During the first annual Abel/New Canton boat race, the zombies decide they want in on the race. Row for your life!



One-Two, One-Two Edit

You're celebrating the nice weather by holding an Abel vs New Canton boat race!

Always Prepared Edit

Phil spots zombies shambling in from the left. The crowd scarpers in panic, but you're equipped with noise makers to draw the undead away from the civilians.

Pick Her Up! Edit

Nadia's boat hits a rock and shatters, throwing everyone on board over the side. The rowers manage to swim to the bank, but Nadia has been knocked out.

They Don't Need To Breathe Edit

Jamie saves Nadia, but a crowd of undead anglers are heading your way.

Raring To Go... Edit

Nadia regains consciousness and recognises your location; she remembers that there's an army base on the island in the lake that may contain weapons.

Zombie Soup Edit

Nadia and Jamie have found guns, ammo and grenades in the army base. Nadia chucks a frag into the water, turning it into zombie soup.

Transcript Edit

[water running]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hello, ci-ti-zens! [sighs] With the recent weather, it’s great to be out again, isn’t it? For those of you listening in at home, we’re about to start the first annual Abel/New Canton boat race!

ZOE CRICK: And for those of you watching from the shore, how about a big cheer for our competitors! Representing Abel, we’ve got Runner Five and Jamie Skeet, with Sam as their cox. Rowing in a neat little boat called Bloody Mary. And for New Canton, we’ve got Runners Sixty-three and Seventy with Nadia riding. They’ve called their… what is that? They’ve called it Eat Shit and Die, but I think we can skip that.

JAMIE SKEET: Why am I here, again?

NADIA AL HANAKI: Because Abel are dirty rotten cheats who brought in a ringer!

SAM YAO: Hey! Hey, that’s not fair, Jamie’s totally one of us!

JAMIE SKEET: No, I ain’t!

SAM YAO: Shh, think of all the Curly Wurly’s that we’re going to give your kids in return for doing this.

NADIA AL HANAKI: Bribing kids with chocolate? That’s a new low even for you, Sam!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Okay, guys, row up to the start line.

SAM YAO: Come on, team! A-one, a-two, a-one, a-two!

JAMIE SKEET: Don’t need you to tell me how to row!

SAM YAO: I’m keeping you and Runner Five in time! Come on, a-one, a-two, a-one - oh, come on, put your backs into it!

ZOE CRICK: Now remember, it’s the taking part that matters.

NADIA AL HANAKI: But we’re totally going to crush you!

ZOE CRICK: On your marks!


ZOE CRICK: And go! [crowd cheers]

[water running]

ZOE CRICK: The finish line’s in sight, now, and it’s a nail-biter!

NADIA AL HANAKI: Come on, girls! Wind one, wind two, wind three -

PHIL CHEESEMAN: New Canton ahead by a hair.

NADIA AL HANAKI: Pull, girls! Up one on the drive, down one on the slide!

SAM YAO: What she said.

JAMIE SKEET: Don’t even know what that means!

SAM YAO: It means – aw, who cares. Are you going to let them beat you?

JAMIE SKEET: Yeah, looks like.

SAM YAO: Come on! Where’s your fighting spirit?

JAMIE SKEET: I’m saving it for the zoms! You can take my oar if you don’t like the way I’m doing it. What do you think, Five? It’s Sam’s turn to do the hard work, isn’t it? [scuffles with SAM YAO] Come on, get out of the way!

SAM YAO: Ugh, you – you -

JAMIE SKEET: Move! Come on!

SAM YAO: [sighs] Runner Five, keep going while we, um, sort this out.

ZOE CRICK: And with less than fifty yards to go, there appears to be some kind of mutiny in the Abel boat.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh, Zoe? I hate to alarm anyone, but are those zombies shambling in from the left?

ZOE CRICK: Bloody hell. There’s like fifty of them. Everyone head back to Abel in an orderly fashion. [crowd screams]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Or, you know, run and don’t panic.


PHIL CHEESEMAN: Zoe, we’ve got to scarper, too.

SAM YAO: Hey, what about us?

ZOE CRICK: Have you got any noisemakers on you?

SAM YAO: Uh, yes, Five’s got one. Good old Five, always prepared.

ZOE CRICK: Then keep rowing, and try to lure these zoms away from the crowd.

[water running]

SAM YAO: Wow, rowing really is very tiring.

JAMIE SKEET: Put your back into it, man! One, two! One, two! Look at Runner Five!

SAM YAO: Oh yeah, very funny.

NADIA AL HANAKI: Well, I’m enjoying it!

SAM YAO: And the zoms? Looks like they’re falling back.

JAMIE SKEET: Yeah, we’re doing okay. None up ahead. A bit further, and we can – oh my word.

NADIA AL HANAKI: What can you see? Oh…

SAM YAO: Oh! Oh, that’s – rowing’s getting a bit easier. I must be getting the hang of it.

NADIA AL HANAKI: Make for the shore, quick! All of you!

SAM YAO: Why? What is it?

NADIA AL HANAKI and JAMIE SKEET: Don’t turn around!

JAMIE SKEET: Just row. Steering’s my job.

SAM YAO: What’s the problem?

JAMIE SKEET: There’s rapids up ahead. I can see the white water. Storm must have swelled the river. I’m trying to get to the bank, but the current’s too strong! Five, Sam, pull hard on your left oars. No, you idiot, your left!

SAM YAO: Oh God, sorry!


SAM YAO: We’re pulling as hard as we can! Aren’t we, Five?

NADIA AL HANAKI: Oh no, my rudder just snapped!

JAMIE SKEET: Hold on tight, we’re going over!

SAM YAO: Oh no, this isn’t good!

NADIA AL HANAKI: [shouts] There’s a bloody great rock straight ahead! I can’t – I can’t get us round! [screams]

SAM YAO: What happened?

JAMIE SKEET: Boat broke up. They all fell in.

SAM YAO: Are they alright?

JAMIE SKEET: Two rowers are swimming to the bank. Yeah, they’re okay. They’re out.

SAM YAO: And Nadia?

JAMIE SKEET: I can’t – oh man, that ain’t good. Think she knocked herself out on a rock. Sam, Five, row as hard as you can. We’ve got to pick her up before she drowns!

[water running]

JAMIE SKEET: You’re almost there. Almost… just a bit… yes! Got her! [water splashes as JAMIE SKEET pulls NADIA AL HANAKI aboard the boat]

SAM YAO: Is she - ?

JAMIE SKEET: She’s breathing. She’s alright. That is one enormous bump on her head, though. It’s the size of a Cadbury Creme Egg! We need to get her to the doctor, check her out.

SAM YAO: Where are we, anyway?

JAMIE SKEET: Yogenthorpe Lake. I recognize that island in the middle. You know, the one shaped like a four-leafed clover?

SAM YAO: Oh yeah! It’s… it’s actually quite pretty here, isn’t it? I mean, now that whole “chased by a surprise horde of undead, tumbling over rapids, rowing for our lives” bit is over. There are lovely tall rushes blowing in the wind. And water lilies. And look, an actual frog hopping between the water lilies. I thought that only happened in cartoons. Oh, and also some lovely picturesque zombies.

JAMIE SKEET: Oh, tell me it ain’t true! They caught up with us?

SAM YAO: No, no, I think these might be new ones. They’re wearing long green waders and they’ve got pond scum in their hair. I guess they used to be anglers. And… ugh.

JAMIE SKEET: Do you want me to turn around and steer us into the rock?

SAM YAO: No, sorry. We should keep going. They’re walking into the lake. They’re - I think they’re following us underwater! That’s very, very, very creepy.

JAMIE SKEET: I suppose they don’t need to breathe.

SAM YAO: They’re moving really quite quickly. I can see the water swirling above them.

JAMIE SKEET: Then you and Five are going to have to -

SAM YAO: Row! I know.

NADIA AL HANAKI: [groans] Oh, ow, my head! What happened? Why am I soaking wet? Ugh, and freezing?

JAMIE SKEET: You fell in the river, innit?


SAM YAO: Don’t you remember? You were just about to wi- to lose that boat race, and then it all went a bit pear-shaped. We went over some rapids, and uh, you fell in.

NADIA AL HANAKI: What happened to my girls? Are they hurt? Are they dead?

JAMIE SKEET: They’re okay. They didn’t get hurt. You did, though. Your head needs checking out, make sure your brains ain’t scrambled.

NADIA AL HANAKI: Right. So, why are Sam and Runner Five rowing us out into the middle of an enormous lake?

SAM YAO: Because an army of underwater zombies is chasing after us, and my hands have got really really bad blisters!

NADIA AL HANAKI: We’re rowing into the middle of the lake because of your blisters?

SAM YAO: No, I just wanted to moan about them, and Jamie isn’t very sympathetic. The army of underwater zombies are a bit of a problem, though.

NADIA AL HANAKI: Wait. I recognize that island! This is Yogenthorpe Lake.

JAMIE SKEET: Yeah, that’s right.

NADIA AL HANAKI: There used to be a territorial army base on that island. We never sent any runners over there because of all the aquatic zoms, but if we’re lucky, there might be weapons.

SAM YAO: Weapons? Weapons do sound like quite a good idea at the moment.

NADIA AL HANAKI: Runner Five, can you and Sam get in closer to shore? Me and Jamie can jump off and raid the base while you distract the zoms.

SAM YAO: Distract them? With what, my startling good looks?

NADIA AL HANAKI: Oh, just row around! They seem to be attracted by the oars. Probably look like limbs or something. Best not to think about that too hard. Ready, Jamie?

JAMIE SKEET: Yeah, raring to go.

NADIA AL HANAKI: Then let’s do it! [splash]

[water running]

SAM YAO: Oh, do you see that, Five? That ripple over there. The zoms are getting really close. I mean, you know, within grabbing distance close. Can you row any faster? I can’t row any faster. My hands are about ready to drop off. How come Jamie and Nadia get to go for a nice run and we’re stuck pulling the oars in zombie-infested waters? I signed up to be a cox. A cox! Not a rower. I’m supposed to be the brains of this operation.

NADIA AL HANAKI: Over here, guys!

SAM YAO: At last! Did you get the weapons?

JAMIE SKEET: We got them. Guns, ammo, the works.

SAM YAO: Are those - ?

NADIA AL HANAKI: Yeah. Two frag grenades. Move over and keep going.

SAM YAO: Ugh, is it possible to die of rowing?

JAMIE SKEET: Go on, give us the oar then. I’ll take over.

SAM YAO: Oh, thanks. I uh, think I can see the zoms. They’re right underneath us. They look kind of like wavy gray seaweed. With arms and legs and lots of teeth.

NADIA AL HANAKI: Five, can you and Jamie put a few feet between us and them, just for a minute? Yeah, that’s great, guys.

SAM YAO: Uh, Nadia, what are you doing with that grenade?

NADIA AL HANAKI: Well, when my granddad was in ‘Nam, he used to -

SAM YAO: Your granddad was in Vietnam?

NADIA AL HANAKI: Long story. Anyway, they used to fish using grenades, so I thought – [grenade drops in water] Fire in the hole! [explosion, huge splash of water]

SAM YAO: Careful! You nearly capsized us!

JAMIE SKEET: That was brutal! Look at that!

SAM YAO: Bloody hell… it’s like zombie soup.

NADIA AL HANAKI: And that is how you clear out an army of underwater zoms. Alright, guys. Great job on the oars. Now it’s time to row us home. Just watch out for all the floating eyeballs!

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