"To Abel With Love" is the twenty-sixth mission of The Home Front.
Relive Janine's MI5 days with a message from the mysterious Agent Reynard!
EXERCISES: Mountain Climber, Air Punch, Wall Sit, Superman
Cast[]
Plot[]
Dr No[]
Janine will be leading the exercises today. Some weeks ago, she released a drone to send medical supplies to other settlements. The drone has returned with a note from 'Agent Reynard', claiming to be working for MI5, and supplying a themed workout based on his most daring mission. Janine is sceptical about the authenticity, especially since espionage is spelled incorrectly, but Sam has informed her that an element of narrative can be enjoyed during a workout. She reads Agent Reynard's story. He has reached the lair of Dr. Nautilus and needed to infiltrate it. Re-enact his adventure by Jogging on the spot and imagine yourself running along the beach to the volcano hideaway!
You Only Live Twice[]
Janine doesn't know why that song was on an espionage-themed playlist. And she has yet to see a film that accurately portrays the amount of paperwork that espionage entails. Agent Reynard has reached the volcano, so to re-enact scaling it, try doing Mountain Climbers. Lie on your front and push yourself into a high plank position, supported by your hands and toes. Move your right knee up to your chest then back, then repeat with your left knee. Janine reminds you that if you have back problems, perform these slowly to avoid injury. One minute of these! Good job.
Spectre[]
Janine wonders why Agent Reynard is pretending to be a spy rather than just sending her his spy-themed fiction. In the story, Reynard reaches the summit and has to fight off Dr Nautilus' henchmen. Take up a fighting stance and do some Air Punches to take them out! Reynard beats the henchmen and takes a jumpsuit with a nautilus pattern to sneak into the base. This concerns Janine - she once did have to take a jumpsuit with a squid symbol during a mission. It was declassified before the apocalypse, but she has told no-one outside of Abel. Coincidence?
Octopussy[]
Reynard abseils into the secret base where the mind-controlled octopuses are being held. Their tank is about to be vented so Reynard has to brace for it. Try doing a Wall Sit to imitate this act of fortitude! Good job! The octopuses are contained, but Reynard has to reverse the hypnotism device before he can be attacked by the octopuses. Janine feels like she is being mocked and is going to examine the drone for clues about Reynard's identity.
The Man With the Golden Gun[]
Janine has found a message drawn onto the drone which might be a warning... or a threat. Agent Reynard reverses the hypnotism and releases the octopuses back out to sea. He sets the base to self-destruct and parachutes from the top of the volcano. Re-enact that by doing a Superman exercise! Lie on your front with your arms and legs fully outstretched then lift your arms and legs slightly off the floor. This is good for strengthening your core. Hold that for one minute. Agent Reynard lands on the beach and escapes via seaplane. Which makes Janine remember that a fellow agent on a mission was a seaplane pilot. Have they been compromised?
Goldeneye[]
Janine has managed to open up the drone and has found strange pellets that turn out to be popcorn kernels. Janine thinks she knows who Agent Reynard is and, if she's correct, there's nothing to worry about. Perform some gentle cool-down exercises while she performs a final sweep of the drone.
For Your Eyes Only[]
Janine is relieved to inform you that there is no threat and no mole. She reads a message that reveals that the messages came from Peter. A storm knocked out his broadcast equipment, and when he went to fix it, he found the drone. He marathoned all of the Bond movies while fixing the drone and thought the workout would be a fun mystery. Janine hopes you've enjoyed it. She thinks Abel may be overdue a film night!
Transcript[]
JANINE DE LUCA: Hello, runners. This is Janine De Luca. I will be leading today’s exercises. Please warm up with some gentle stretches or any other movement that raises your heart rate.
We’ll be doing something different today, runners. You may remember that some weeks ago I released a drone to distribute medical supplies to local settlements. I lost contact with it after a storm, but have since picked up its signal and piloted it back to Abel. When I was cleaning the cargo compartment, I found this note.
[paper rustles] “00 De Luca, this is Agent Reynard. As a fellow MI5 agent and exercise enthusiast, I thought you might enjoy this workout inspired by my most daring mission. I have enclosed some exercises and a cassette of espionage-themed songs.”
Now I’m not convinced this Agent Reynard is a true intelligence professional. He spelled espionage wrong, for one thing. However, Mr. Yao has explained that many of you enjoy an element of narrative in these exercise broadcasts, and while I lack his or Mr. Cheeseman’s talents for make believe, Agent Reynard certainly does not. Listen.
“I was MI5’s last hope. Dr. Nautilus had a swarm of mind-controlled octopuses trained on the houses of Parliament. My mission was to infiltrate his hideout in the crater of a volcano and sabotage his plan. I’d just swum 30 miles to his private island. 00 De Luca, this is the point where you reenact my mission. Jog on the spot and imagine yourself racing along the beach to the volcano.”
Runners, jogging on the spot is a Ministry-approved warm-up. Please do that or whatever exercise feels comfortable during this first song.
JANINE DE LUCA: I’m not sure what was "espionage-themed" about that song. The lyrics were about a fleeting love affair. Presumably it was from a film. I’m sure Mr. Yao can enlighten me. Speaking of films, they do rather give the impression that espionage is all glamour and cocktails. I have yet to see one that accurately represents the volume of paperwork that an intelligence career entails. Speaking of inaccuracies, Agent Reynard’s account continues as follows.
[paper rustles] “I stood at the base of the volcano wearing only my government-issue Union Jack-printed swimming trunks.” Runners, to my knowledge, the British government has never issued such a garment. “Nevertheless, there was nothing for it but to scale the volcano. 00 De Luca, it’s time to recreate my perilous ascent with these mountain climbers.“
"Lie on your front, then push yourself into a high plank position supported by your hands and feet. Put your hands beneath your shoulders. Don’t lock your elbows. Now keeping your core straight, move your right knee up to your chest and back. Move your left knee up and back. Keep doing that while you imagine climbing a volcano.” Runners, if you have back problems, perform these mountain climbers slowly. Doing them quickly is an effective cardiovascular workout, but your safety is paramount.
Perform the exercise at whatever speed feels comfortable, starting now. Excellent. 15 seconds. Runners, keep your hips low and your core engaged. Excellent work, runner. Agent Reynard says, “As I scaled the volcano, I reminded myself not to look down.” Runners, it’s fine for you to look down, you’ll just see the floor. Very good. Only 15 seconds left. There we are. At ease, runners. While I play the next song on Agent Reynard’s spy-themed cassette, keep your heart rate up with some gentle exercise or more mountain climbers.
JANINE DE LUCA: Well, at least that last "espionage-themed song" mentioned deception. Speaking of which, I wonder why Agent Reynard is claiming to be a secret agent rather than simply sending me his spy-themed fiction. Perhaps the rest of his account will enlighten me.
[paper rustles] “I had reached the summit of the volcano and was about to descend when 30 of Dr. Nautilus’s henchmen appeared. Fortunately, my lightning reflexes and distracting good looks meant I was able to fight them off single-handed.” Are we to surmise Agent Reynard is still clad only in swimming trunks?
Anyway, "For a taste of my heroics, adopt a boxing stance. Feet shoulder-width apart, knees slightly bent. Step your right foot back a little. Now hold your fists up with your right closer to your body and your left protecting your face. Now get ready to take out those goons with some punches. Extend your right arm forward, stopping just before you lock your elbow. For more power, rotate your right shoulder forward as you punch.”
Runners, follow Agent Reynard’s directions and punch for 30 seconds with your right hand. Go. Excellent. Agent Reynard claims his punches were "sending goons toppling into the volcano.” Runners, please be aware that henchpeople tend to be armed.
Switch sides, runners. Left foot behind, punch with your left hand, start now. Very good. 15 seconds left, runners. Almost done. And rest. Following the fight, Agent Reynard claims to have relieved a henchman of his silver jumpsuit which bore a nautilus insignia on the breast pocket. The jumpsuit had an inbuilt parachute, which would come in handy later.
Hmm. I once carried out a mission that required me to liberate a silver jumpsuit from an enemy. Its insignia was a squid rather than a nautilus, but it did have an inbuilt parachute. The mission was declassified before the apocalypse, but I told no one outside Abel. The similarity could be a coincidence, but this note was addressed to me. It could be a coded message, or a threat. Runners, I’m going to play another song. Keep punching or just moving while it plays. I need to think.
JANINE DE LUCA: Runners, I’m going to continue reading Reynard’s account. If there’s a mole at Abel, this is the only way I’ll deduce their identity.
[paper rustles] “After abseiling into the volcano’s vent, I infiltrated the lab where Dr. Nautilus was mind controlling the octopuses. Suddenly, an alarm went off. Their tank was about to be emptied into an underground river. I had to brace it. For a sense of the incredible fortitude I displayed, perform a wall sit for one minute. Stand a little over a foot away from a wall. Carefully lean backwards until your back is flat against it and your thighs parallel to the ground.”
Runners, hold that position for a minute, or as long as you can, starting now. Move your feet closer to the wall if you need to. Very good. I’m not sure if underground rivers can run through volcano vents. According to Reynard, “Not only were my thighs burning, but the octopuses kept reaching out of the tank and slapping me with their tentacles.” Just 15 seconds left. At ease, runners. Reynard continues, “The octopuses were contained for now, but I had to reverse Dr. Nautilus’s hypnotism device. After all, the last thing I needed was to be attacked by crazed cephalopods.”
My mission, the one with the silver jumpsuit, required me to escape through an oligarch’s private aquarium. I then had to endure three embarrassing weeks of trying to explain the sucker bruises. Runners, I believe Agent Reynard is taunting me. I will not stand for it. I’m going to the Abel workshop to examine the drone for clues to Agent Reynard’s identity. While the next "spy-themed song" plays, keep moving or perform another wall sit.
JANINE DE LUCA: Runners, there is graffiti on the underside of the drone. It reads, “I remember, 00 De Luca.” Is that a warning or a threat? I sincerely hope the conclusion to Agent Reynard’s account will reveal which.
According to him, “I had reversed Dr. Nautilus’s hypnotism device and released the now totally sane octopuses safely into the sea. Having triggered the hideout’s self-destruct protocol, I took the elevator to the summit of the volcano and parachuted off the top as it exploded behind me. 00 De Luca, it’s time to reenact my death-defying leap with a superman pose. Lie on your front with your arms and legs fully outstretched. Your body should form a straight line. Now lift your arms and legs slightly off the floor as if buffeted by the wind.”
This is a good exercise for strengthening your core, runners, so you may as well perform it. Hold your superman pose for one minute. Do not bend your neck backwards. You’ve done 15 seconds, runners. Keep holding that pose. That’s it. Halfway there, runners. Keep at it. Just 15 seconds left. Almost there. And rest.
Agent Reynard continues. “After a minute of free fall, I pulled the zip cord on my parachute and drifted down to the beach, whereupon I escaped in a waiting seaplane.” Seaplane… Runners, one of my fellow agents on my mission was a seaplane pilot. She runs a settlement near Liverpool now. Could she have been compromised? This mission may have been declassified, but there are other things she knows about which could present a threat to Abel. I must search the drone for more evidence. Meanwhile, runners, you hold another superman pose or just keep moving. Even in times of danger, one must never neglect one’s physical well-being.
JANINE DE LUCA: That song makes me nervous, runners. The lyrics described a supervillain intent on world domination. If one of my former colleagues has been compromised, I cannot disregard such a threat. Thankfully, I’ve just removed the panel covering the drone’s motor. If it has been sabotaged, I will find out at once. Hmm, there are small pellets lodged in the motor housing. Are these… popcorn kernels?
Wait. Popcorn kernels, film themes, mission details I only disclosed to a few trusted friends. Runners, I think I know who Agent Reynard is. I apologize if this broadcast alarmed you. One must always be alert to danger, especially at a time like this. I would like to confirm my suspicions before I give the all-clear. While I carry out a final sweep of the drone, please perform some gentle cool down exercises to the final song on the cassette.
JANINE DE LUCA: Runners, I am relieved to inform you that Agent Reynard never presented a threat. There is no mole at Abel. During that last song, I discovered another note wedged behind the drone’s motor. I’ll read it to you now.
[paper rustles] “Janine, or should I say, 00 De Luca? Congratulations on unmasking me. I am, of course, your faithful chum Peter. As Sam may have told you, my broadcasting equipment was knocked out during the recent storm and I’ve been unable to broadcast any workouts.”
“A few days ago, I ventured up to the roof of the Princess Louise Cinema to assess the damage and discovered that your drone had crashed into my aerial. I took the machine inside and managed to fix the motor. See? I was paying attention when you taught me those basic electronic principles.“
"Anyway, I marathoned all 28 James Bond films while I fixed the drone, and they made me think of you and your adventures. I thought I’d put together a workout inspired by them and give you a little mystery to solve at the same time, in case you are missing intelligence work. Oh, and the cassette was in the cinema gift shop. We can debate the ranking of all 28 Bond films once we’re reunited. We can also - ”
Oh. [paper rustles] Well, I-I don’t think I need to finish reading the note. I think we all know Mr. Lynne can go on a bit. Runners, I hope you’ve all learned something about intelligence work, and enjoyed an effective workout. Now I must speak with Mr. Yao. I think Abel is long overdue for a film night.
Codex[]
Letter[]
Hi Runner Five,
I hope you're hanging in there alright! Janine's just let me know about the possibility of holding a movie night once we're all together again, which honestly sounds like the perfect way to celebrate (even if she does always insist on sitting through the anti-piracy ads). She seemed quite keen to watch some of the Bond movies, which I wouldn't have necessarily expected from her - but who can resist Golden-age Sean Connery, really?
I hope you're staying safe and looking after yourself, Five! Have a think about what you might like to watch for our next film night and I'll see if we can find a copy on one of the media hard-drives here.
Love,
Sam
Supplies[]
The following supplies can be found in this mission.
(List may be incomplete.)
Anti-depressants
Board game
Candles
Dress
First Aid Kit
Flashlight
Football
Laptop
Makeup
Mobile Phone
Overcoat
Pain Meds
Shirt
Shorts
Sports Bra
Trainers
Umbrella
Underwear
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