"The Madman's Crown" is the nineteenth mission of The Home Front.
Welcome back to the Lair of the Abhorroghast! Roll for initiative as you take on the depths of the dungeon.
ACTIVITIES: Clean windows, Clean oven, Clean the Shower, Scrub the toilet
Cast[]
Plot[]
Rubber Gloves of Cleanliness![]
Welcome back to the Lair of the Abhorroghast! The tidal wave has swept you further into the dungeon, and Sam predicts that you'll need oven-cleaning elixirs, scrubbing brushes, and bin bags for the next session. Don your rubber gloves of cleanliness and return to your noble quest!
Get Polishing![]
The floodwaters ebb away, and you find yourself in a long, narrow cave with glittering walls. The walls begin to close in as Kit and Ameline bicker. You'll need to find a way out before you're crushed. Ameline is frozen in fear, but Kit creeps along, running his hands over the walls. You'd better help if you want to survive!
Infernus Cavern[]
You spot a lever on the ground. When you pull it, the walls stop moving, and you stumble out of the cave - and onto the edge of a huge chasm! Across the chasm is a gate of red stone, with lava pouring down on each side. You look up and see winged demons swooping towards you. Prepare to face the fiends. Better get scrubbing if you want that treasure!
Into the Labyrinth[]
The bodies of vanquished demons lie around you! You pass through the door in the rock, and immediately feel a deathly chill and hear something slithering through the tunnels. Something big. A giant tentacle reaches towards you from the ceiling. Kit distracts the tentacles, while Ameline drives them off with the glowing light of her staff. You need to reach its heart to destroy it!
Betrayed![]
Ameline leads you to a chamber of black stone filled with treasure, with an inky pool in the centre. You search the treasure until finally you find it: The Madman's Crown. Ameline and Kit begin to argue over who should take the crown, but you're distracted when the chamber starts shaking. Ameline demands the crown and prepares to attack you. You hurl the crown away, only for it to be caught by Kit. Ameline reveals that she and Kit have been in cahoots the whole time. They flee with the crown, leaving you to face the Abhorroghast alone!
A Little Bit at a Time[]
You've defeated the Abhorroghast! It slinks back into the water and you're left alone. You root through the treasure and find Ameline's spellbook. She must have dropped it when they fled. Inside is a drawing of wizardly figures, bowing down to someone wearing the Madman's Crown. Whatever they have planned doesn't look good! But that's a story for another session. Well done! You've done a lot of cleaning done. It may not seem like much compared to zombies, but a good tidy can help you feel like you have some control over the world. And when it's all over, you've made the world a little bit better.
Transcript[]
[radio cycles past a snippet of music and some static before landing on the Abel frequency]
SAM YAO: [dramatic narrator voice] Welcome back, travellers, to the thrilling tale of adventure and cleaning that is The Lair of the Abhorroghast. [own voice] Now I don’t know about you, but my old shack is looking better already. I can actually see the floor again! Um, now actually, if any of you runners happen to find a Carpet World next time you’re out there, I could really use a rug or something.
Anyway, uh, where were we? Ah, yes. Yes. When I left you, you and your companions, halfling rogue Kit and elven wizard Ameline had just mopped up the contents of the Pit of Woe. Ameline conjured a tidal wave that swept the three of you through the tunnels beneath the pit and further into the dungeon.
And as the guy who cooked up this whole adventure, I can predict you’ll need some oven cleaning elixirs, scrubbing brushes, and bin bags for the next chapter. Oh, also, make sure your floors and surfaces are clear of clutter. So don your rubber gloves of cleanliness, gird what your mother gave you, and let’s return to our quest to cleanse the Lair of the Abhorroghast. But first, here’s a song that always puts me in the Pit of Woe.
[SAM alternates between a dramatic game master voice for narration, different voices for characters, and his own voice for asides and cleaning instruction]
SAM YAO: When the floodwaters ebb away, you find yourself bedraggled but alive on the floor of a long narrow cave, but instead of the darkness you have come to expect, the ceiling glitters and the walls gleam. Every surface of the cave is studded with shimmering white crystals that here and there seem to grow in crude faces and other all-too-human shapes.
“Don’t move,” hisses Kit. “Don’t speak too loud. There’s something fishy about this place.” Ameline scoffs. “We’ve lost enough time to your antics already. Come, adventurer, this way!” But Ameline is cut off by a sudden crunching noise. Out of the corner of your eye, you catch one of the crystal faces grin and then the walls begin to close in! “The water’s running that way,” whispers Kit, pointing to the cave’s far end. “There must be a door, a switch, a secret passage. Search quick, friend, and search careful, or this crystal cave’ll crush us yet.”
Yeah, so what I thought was we’d start with cleaning windows. Spooky crystals, glass, basically the same thing. If you have window cleaner, that works great, but if you don’t have Janine’s slightly scary doomsday stockpile of cleaning products, you can use vinegar and scrunched up newspaper! Apparently it works great, if you don’t mind your house smelling like a fish and chip shop.
Anyway, Ameline is frozen with fear, but Kit creeps along the edge of the room, following the flow of the knee-deep water and running his hands over the walls. As the walls close in, you have little choice but to follow his lead. Hmm. So uh, yeah, get polishing.
[SAM alternates between a dramatic game master voice for narration, different voices for characters, and his own voice for asides and cleaning instruction]
SAM YAO: As the crystal cave folds in on itself, you have to stoop to avoid being crushed. And then, beneath the flowing water, you spot what looks like a crystal lever growing out of the floor. It takes some effort to pull. When you do, the cave shakes, the walls stop moving, and suddenly the crystal wall ahead parts like a pair of curtains and the water gushes through. You, Kit, and Ameline stumble after it into the searing heat and brilliant light.
Emerging from the crystal cave, you find yourself at the edge of a great chasm in the earth. On the opposite side is an open gate of red stone carved into the rock like a wound. Magma spills from either side of the gate in rivers, sending up tufts of steam where the lava and running water meet.
Before you can take in the sight, the sound of leathery wings echoes above. A host of winged demons claw their way out of the very rock and swoop towards you. Yeah. Yeah, it’s the chore that all mortals dread, cleaning the oven. Ministry guidelines suggest not letting grime and greasy black bits build up even in the apocalypse. So prepare to face the fiends of the Infernus Cavern!
Of course, if you don’t have an oven, fiends are notoriously fond of gutters, that bit underneath heavy furniture where dry peas and misplaced figurines turn up, the back of the fridge, that… Well, you know. Basically this is the time to do that one horrible household task you hate.
Back in the Lair of the Abhorroghast, Kit snarls as he ducks the demons’ razor claws. “These fiends, doomed to serve as jailers of the Abhorroghast for all eternity,” Ameline explains. “Defeat them, pass the red gate, and the treasure is as good as ours.” [scrubbing sound] You want that treasure, don’t you? So keep scrubbing.
[SAM alternates between a dramatic game master voice for narration, different voices for characters, and his own voice for asides and cleaning instruction]
SAM YAO: Oh, that wasn’t so bad, was it? And the oven looks amazing! Now then, where were we? [paper rustles] Ah. Ah yes. Right. Fiends. All around you lie the bodies of vanquished demons, their leathery wings strewn on the bloodred stone. Together, you, Kit, and Ameline pass through the door in the rock and enter the pitch black passages beyond.
As soon as you cross the threshold, you feel a deathly chill. Yeah, this is a very hot and cold dungeon, isn’t it? You are not alone. Something is slithering through the tunnels behind you, something big, seeking you out. Holding your torches aloft, you see a vast tentacle advancing along the ceiling above and reaching down towards you.
Yes, it’s time to clean out the shower drain! I always thought that little hole resembled something from an elder dimension, but you know, the grossness is the challenge. All you really need are rubber gloves and a bin bag. And once the Abhorroghast’s tentacles are driven back to the dark dimension from whence they oozed, cleanse the pit around with scouring potions or whatever bathroom cleaner you’ve got to hand.
Tentacles pulse above and around you as you advance through the corridors of jet black stone. As Ameline drives back a thrashing tentacle with the light from the end of her staff, she cries, “Adventurer, with me! Our only chance is to find its heart!”
As Kit distracts the tendrils, ducking and weaving to avoid the blows of the Abhorroghast’s alien limbs. Ameline leads the way deeper into the labyrinth, her glowing staff your only guide. And remember to keep cleaning the drain with those scouring potions as you go. Scrubbety scrub.
[SAM alternates between a dramatic game master voice for narration, different voices for characters, and his own voice for asides and cleaning instruction]
SAM YAO: Your blade sweeps through a thrashing tentacle, one two, one two. It recoils back through the twisting corridors of the labyrinth. Ameline leads you and Kit through to a chamber of black stone in the center around a pool as dark as ink. As her staff casts a wan light around the chamber, you see something glittering in the gloom. “Arr, treasure!” Kit cries, unable to conceal his delight. Ameline holds him back. “We’ve no time to be greedy,” she says. “Find the crown quickly, before the monster returns.”
All right, you’re not very likely to find treasure in the bathroom. Unless, well, unless you’re really into the digestive system. But that sink still needs cleaning, so let’s get it glittering again. [piled coins clink] You search the piles of gold until your hands close around a golden circlet studded all around with black opals. The Madman’s Crown.
The discovery does not go unnoticed. Ameline smiles, reaches out her hand, and says, “I knew you were special from the moment we first met above. Come, I’ll take the crown.” “Arr, and who’d be fool enough to trust ye with it?” Kit snaps. “This isn’t something you can melt down for beer money, halfling,” Ameline retorts. “It grants the power of the mad wizards who built this place to the head that wears it.”
As they argue, you begin to wonder, is the chamber shaking? Is that rumbling growing louder? Something is slithering from the depths of the pool, a mass of long questing tendrils. Ameline strides towards you, holding out her hand imperiously as she demands, “Enough of this charade! Give me the crown now!”
Behind her, Kit cries out, “Adventurer, to me! Don’t let her have it!” The chamber shakes violently. Ameline’s staff glows with power. Before the spell pins you to the wall, you hurl the crown away and Kit the halfling catches it. “Much obliged,” he grins.
“Arr, but really, ye shouldn’t trust either of us.” He gives a little bow as Ameline joins him. “I can’t believe that worked,” she gloats. “I’m afraid Kit and I have been, as they say, in cahoots. Now there’s an eldritch horror on the way and Kit and I have a reward to collect for this old relic, so ta ta!”
With the Madman’s Crown in their possession, the treacherous pair flee, leaving you to face the Abhorroghast alone. Its vast, slimy bulk rises from the pool, a thousand bloodshot eyes fix upon you.
Right, yeah, that’s those rubber gloves on. This is it, the last household task, and the nastiest. Can you clean your loo, or will the eldritch horror that lurks within it snack on your sanity? See you on the other side, adventurer.
SAM YAO: [dramatic narrator voice] Mortally wounded, the Abhorroghast shrinks back into the water, its tentacles recede as it drags its glistening bulk back to the hellish dimension from whence it came. The chamber is silent. All that’s left is the treasure of the Abhorroghast’s lair and the long trek back to the surface world. You shudder as you remember that somewhere out there, the traitors Kit and Ameline are making off with an artifact of terrible power.
But as you dig through the piled gold and silver of the lair, something catches your attention. Ameline’s spell book. In her haste to get away, the elf must have dropped it among the coins and precious stones. It lies open on a pile of necklaces. Sketched within, surrounded by mystic runes and diagrams, is a circle of wizardly figures. As fire falls upon the world, they are bowing down to one in their midst, one who wears the Madman’s Crown. Whatever plans those two have for the artifact, they don’t look good.
[own voice] But that’s an adventure for another day. You’ve slain the monster made of hair that lurked in the shower drain, dusted for traps on your sideboard, vanquished the slaughterworms of filth and whatever else was making your home less, well, homely. Now it may not seem important compared to hordes of zombies or world-ending catastrophes, but just like playing Demons and Darkness, having a good tidy once in a while can help you feel like you have some control over the world around you. I reckon that’s something a lot of us could do with right now.
Like… like pulling an eldritch monster from the shower drain, if we protect ourselves, pitch in, put up with some discomfort for the greater good, we can get through this. And when it’s all over, we’ll have somewhere worth living in, which is how every adventure ends, isn’t it? You go home having made things just a little better than before, a little bit at a time.
Codex[]
Letter[]
Invoking thus ye Eighth House & ye Sign of ye Whale-Fish, draw a thrice-fold Circle ’round ye Wizarde in Dust of deep-ocean Pearl, casting ye Arms thusly up to ye Skye & gathering therein Grete Power; provide ye Cuppe or half-chop’d Cocoa-Nute, in which ye potions of ye Day be duly prepared with Umbral Shade, & herein by ye Incantations & Gesticulations bring forth ye Cubes of Ice, ye number of these being equal to ye Liquid so contain’d...
Supplies[]
The following supplies can be found in this mission.
(List may be incomplete.)
Baseball Bat
Cricket bat
First Aid Kit
Flashlight
Football
Laptop
Makeup
Mobile Phone
Overcoat
Shirt
Shorts
Sports Bra
Trainers
Umbrella
Underwear
Whisky
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