Season 9 Radio Mode

Cast

• Phil Cheeseman
• Zoe Crick
• Amelia Spens
• Kytan
• Maxine Myers
• Paula Cohen

Transcript

Take a Deep Breath

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Citizens, I have some news for you, very disturbing news.

ZOE CRICK: Oh, you can’t start off like that, you’ll terrify people.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Unkillable V-type zombies have gone mysteriously missing, Zoe. Terror is the correct response.

ZOE CRICK: Mm, that’s not any better. Listen everyone, before you run screaming into the night, you should know that the missing V-types have been completely encased in blocks of hardened concrete as part of the prime minister’s new Operation Die Hard.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [chuckles] Sam Yao came up with that name, didn’t he?

ZOE CRICK: Sam isn’t the only one who loves classic cinema.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You?

ZOE CRICK: Whoever it was, the project worked. Unless you chisel into slightly misshapen concrete blocks for fun – which I would not recommend - you are perfectly safe.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Maybe.

ZOE CRICK: Definitely! I’m not saying it’s not important to find them, but for now, everyone take a deep breath, relax, and listen to this soothing song.

Or Else

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Update, citizens. No word on the location of the missing concrete-encased V-types.

ZOE CRICK: I would mock you for the frequent updates, but I’m honestly surprised they haven’t turned up yet. At first I figured it was a prank, but -

[door opens]

AMELIA SPENS: Unacceptable.

ZOE CRICK: What? Did I forget to wipe down the -

AMELIA SPENS: No. Though yes, and please take care of that. Hygiene is important, especially in these fragrant times. I’m here to discuss the blatant theft of dangerous government property in a week when I was planning to spend two well-deserved days at the spa in my ongoing effort to get the Far Hebrides out of my pores.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You mean the concrete zoms?

AMELIA SPENS: Yes, and I want it to be known that we will find the perpetrators who removed them, that anyone who helps us will be well-rewarded, and that you will all regret it if they don’t turn up soon. Listeners, if you have any information, please reach out to Zoe and Phil on ROFFLEnet. We will get to the bottom of this, or else.

[door shuts]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [sighs] You heard the prime minister. Send us any tips you have. I don’t think any of us want to find out what “or else” looks like.

You Want the Story

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I hope Amelia finds whoever took the concrete zoms soon.

ZOE CRICK: Well, so do I. For one thing, if you keep pacing around the studio like you’ve been doing today, I’m going to go mad.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Sorry. It’s just… I never liked those concrete-blocked V-types, even when they weren’t missing.

ZOE CRICK: You prefer unkillable zombies wandering around?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: No, but…

ZOE CRICK: But?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: But zombies dipped in concrete is basically two of my biggest fears rolled into one.

ZOE CRICK: Two of your biggest fears? As in, you’re afraid of concrete?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Not quite. It’s… Well, it’s a bit of a story. ...You want the story now, don’t you?

ZOE CRICK: What do you think?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Fine, fine. I’ll tell you all about it after this number.

Set the Scene

ZOE CRICK: All right, Phil, it’s story time. Tell us about the concrete monster that hurt you in your youth.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: First off, I’m not actually afraid of concrete.

ZOE CRICK: But you said -

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I’m afraid of being dropped into concrete the way the V-types are.

ZOE CRICK: Oh! Is it because I told you exactly what it’s like when a zom falls into a concrete pit? The gooey splash turning into a muffled glug glug glug, the slow attempts to swim, the poetry of one hand reaching up for a last desperate grasp at the sun?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh, that didn’t help, and sometimes I wonder what you consider poetry. But no, this goes further back. It happened when I was a boy. I was eight or -

ZOE CRICK: Wait. Stop there.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Why, what’s wrong?

ZOE CRICK: Before you tell the story, we need to set the scene. I’ve got just the song.

Philz Dogz

ZOE CRICK: Okay, now we’re ready to hear about wee Phil and the concrete, which sounds like a very odd children’s book.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: All right. It was the year I wanted a puppy for christmas. And before you ask, do not worry. No puppies will be harmed during this story.

ZOE CRICK: Good. Continue.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I wasn’t quite sure what kind of puppy I wanted. Big one, little one, that kind with the droopy face.

ZOE CRICK: A tough choice.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: So I decided, very responsibly, to start a dog walking business so I could give different kinds of dogs a test run.

ZOE CRICK: A dog walking business. Did it have name?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Philz Dogz. With Z’s. Seemed quite hip at the time. See, the key to my idea was that I could walk dogs faster than anyone else because I could walk them while riding my bike. With stabilizers, of course.

ZOE CRICK: Oh no.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh yes. I’m still not sure why anyone agreed. I think my neighbors may have just wanted a laugh. I’d just picked up my first dog and it seemed to be going well, when -

ZOE CRICK: Wait. Pause for suspense. Listeners, we’ll be right back with more talez – yes, I went there - of Philz Dogz. Stay tuned.

Disappointed

ZOE CRICK: So there you are, walking a dog while riding a bicycle, as one does, and it’s all going well when -

PHIL CHEESEMAN: When the mutt got a mind of his own and went chasing after a car or a cat or something and started pulling me down the street. Which you know, if I hadn’t been in primary school, I’d probably have predicted.

ZOE CRICK: Did the dog pull you into a puddle of concrete or something?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Nope. Eventually, the bike tipped over. I rolled a little bit - while keeping hold of the lead, which I’m still proud of - and scraped my knee and broke the bike. My parents were not happy.

ZOE CRICK: Right. So...then they poured cement on you to get you to behave?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: No. Without a bike, I stayed home more, sulked, and watched a lot more telly. A few days later, I saw a movie where the mob dropped a man into a vat of cement. Took forever to kill him, and there’s all this screaming, and the whole thing always stuck with me.

ZOE CRICK: Oh.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You sound disappointed.

ZOE CRICK: Hm, the dog was a bit more tangential to the whole thing than I was hoping, to be honest.

Gives Me the Willies

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Do you have anything odd that you’re afraid of?

ZOE CRICK: Hm, what do you mean, odd?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Odd like being submerged in concrete. I know that’s not in most people’s top 10 phobias.

ZOE CRICK: I don’t know. When I was younger, sometimes I’d worry about the ceiling falling in on me when I was sleeping. I might have even been afraid of zombies once.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: And now everyone is.

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] Goes to show, who’s to say what’s odd and what isn’t? If it scares you, it scares you. That’s what matters.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Even if it’s concrete?

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] Especially if it’s concrete. In fact, listeners, why don’t you send us some interesting things that scare you? Show us we’re not alone. I’ll start with this next song, which has always given me the willies.

Zombie Escort Service

ZOE CRICK: You know, Philz Dogz has got me thinking.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: About starting your own business? Let me tell you, it’s a lot less fun than it sounds.

ZOE CRICK: No, but I wonder if we should be supporting today’s businesses. There have to be people out here with their own much better thought-out adult business ideas, and I’d bet they could use some exposure.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You really think people are creating new businesses? Now?

ZOE CRICK: Evil megalomaniacs can’t be the only ones getting organized and putting products on the market.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Fair point. I just wonder what kind of business someone would start right now. Zombie escort service?

ZOE CRICK: Excuse me?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: To escort people past zombies. Not… whatever you were thinking. And now it’s definitely time for our next song.

Back in a Jiffy

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I did a little looking around on ROFFLEnet and you were right about new businesses. There are people doing genius things all over. One person even makes barricades out of old lumber and golf clubs.

ZOE CRICK: Exactly what I was talking about, and we can help them with a little advertising on our program.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You want us to do adverts?

ZOE CRICK: Oh, nothing too over the top, just us reading copy sent in by people who want to share what they’re doing with a bigger audience than a ROFFLEnet subforum.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I feel like there’s a problem with that, but I can’t put my finger on it.

ZOE CRICK: Then say yes.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh no. The last time you tried to railroad me into something I knew was a bad idea, I ended up covered in strawberry jam, being pecked by a raven.

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] Wow, you’ve got a good memory.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: It’s not the kind of thing you forget, Zoe! I’m gonna have a think. Back in a jiffy, listeners.

No Sardines Necessary

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Okay, I worked out what bothers me about advertising on the show.

ZOE CRICK: I’m all ears.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, there used to be a lot of rules about advertising before Z-Day. Who could do it, uh, what they could say, how you knew they weren’t lying. There’s no way we’d have the time to check everyone out.

ZOE CRICK: It’s the zombie apocalypse, everything is buyer beware. If you can get past, “Is my neighbor secretly a zombie, or are those just seasonal allergies?” you can get past, “Are his homegrown tomatoes really as ripe as he says they are?”

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You know, I would love some homegrown tomatoes. Though that brings me to my next question. What would I even use to buy them? Sure, I have a nice collection of odd-shaped rocks that could work as currency, but who doesn’t?

ZOE CRICK: So, so many people.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I suppose the Abel canteen queue jump pass that I found in a pocket the other day is worth something, but how much?

ZOE CRICK: Whatever you and whoever is selling the thing agree to. Could be barter, could be a skills trade. Maybe Amelia’s creamed corn and sardine standard will finally take off. It doesn’t matter. We can avoid that part of the issue by offering ads on our show free of charge and letting the buyer and seller decide the cost, no sardines necessary.

Zombies, Nudity, Other

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Wow, when Zoe asked you all to send in things that scared you, I figured we’d get one or two answers, but you’ve gone above and beyond.

ZOE CRICK: Before we share our favorites, a few statistics for you. Though to be clear, neither of us is particularly good at maths, so take all of these with a large grain of salt. Phil, take it away.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: First, about 20% of you are afraid of some level of nudity.

ZOE CRICK: [giggles] Looks like I’m not the only one who dreams about zombies turning up at my house and chasing me before I’ve had time to get dressed.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: A solid 50% put zombies, which is not as many as I expected, to be honest.

ZOE CRICK: All different types, though. Fast ones, slow ones, ones that climb, ones that fly.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Ones that fly, can you imagine?

ZOE CRICK: Mm, I’d rather not.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: And the last 30% is split between speaking in public, turning into a zombie, speaking in public while turning into a zombie, and what we’re going to call “other.” We’ll share a few of those after this next song.

Mirrors

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Thank you again to everyone who sent us their fears, especially the ones that were fit for public consumption. I’m pointing no fingers, but someone in New Canton has some very odd ideas about blancmange.

ZOE CRICK: A person calling themselves Sandy says, “Rocks. I’m scared to death of rocks, the way they look at you with their little rocky stares. It’s terrifying.”

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well Sandy, hopefully that name means you’ve found a beach to ride out the apocalypse that’s completely rock free. We wish you the best. Uh, this one is from Unseen and it says, “I was always worried that if I looked in the mirror, one of those scary little girls from a horror movie would look back, so I haven’t seen my reflection in years.”

ZOE CRICK: Things must be even easier these days, Unseen. Mirrors are hard to come by. Still, here’s a song to soothe your troubled spirit.

Philzoephobia

ZOE CRICK: And now a few more things our lovely listeners are afraid of.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: These next three were sent anonymously, and I’m not sure you’re gonna like any of them.

ZOE CRICK: Ooh, mysterious.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: The first one says, “I am afraid of the prime minister.”

ZOE CRICK: Mm, makes sense. A little fear of Amelia is healthy. To be fair, I think she quite likes it.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: The next one confesses to a fear of cats.

ZOE CRICK: That’s fine. I’m perfectly aware that some people refuse to accept that they are tiny furry balls of love.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: And claws.

ZOE CRICK: Loving claws.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: And this last one is from the Society for the Study of Philzoephobia, the fear of the two of us.

ZOE CRICK: There’s a name for being afraid of you and me? Oh, Amelia’s going to be so jealous.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: “Philzoephobia is unexplained and comes on suddenly, with symptoms including avoidance of radios, fear of light-hearted banter, and physical trembling at the word ‘citizens.’ Sufferers are urged to avoid listening to the radio and continue about their daily lives.”

ZOE CRICK: Wow. Well, I assume none of the folks who are afraid of us are listening, but if you are, we mean you no harm. Honestly, we’re as harmless as cats. Meow.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Absolutely, citiz- uh, sorry. [sighs] Let’s just go to a song.

Something Rousing

PHIL CHEESEMAN: And that wraps up our look at – [door opens] Prime Minister!

AMELIA SPENS: This is ridiculous!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You know, if you warn us when you come in, we can introduce you.

AMELIA SPENS: Fine, introduce me.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: We interrupt this program for a message from your prime minister.

AMELIA SPENS: Thank you, Phil. This message goes out to all the generous souls who have been sending me gifts since I became prime minister. If you are attempting to curry favor with me with trinkets and gewgaws, be aware that I have refined taste and I doubt you have the resources to truly tempt me. Also, bribery is wrong, so I couldn’t accept your gifts anyway, or so everyone keeps insisting. Actually, I do find bribery rather distasteful. It assumes that I require your interference to know what’s best for the country.

All I want from you is gratitude. Now if that gratitude comes in the form of one of my favorite foods or comfort items - lists of which can be found on ROFFLEnet and distributed throughout major settlements – well, so be it, but you will receive nothing in return other than my best. And possibly a settlement named after you, if you manage to track down honey cashew nuts, but that is all. Country first. Phil, Zoe, play something rousing.

Feels Like Home

ZOE CRICK: It’s here, our first ad! Oh, and Amelia wanted us to put in some sort of disclaimer so that if this actually turns you into a zombie or dyes your hair green, that’s on you. All right, ready?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Very.

ZOE CRICK: “Do you need a cure… for your home? Living in bare barracks? Turn your decor from 'almost got bitten’ to 'God bless Great Britain’ with an interior makeover from Home on the Run Designs. We’ll make sure that whatever place you’re currently living in feels like home and exudes post-apoc style. You’ll be the talk of the township with Home on the Run Designs.” And cut. How was that?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Great! What a good service. It can be hard to feel really settled in this day and age, when you’re always afraid there’ll be another attack or crisis or something and you’ll have to leave everything behind again.

ZOE CRICK: And then one day, you look up and realize here you are, playing silly songs with your best friend on the radio, and it really does feel like home.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Best friends, best friends, best friends! Aw!

[ZOE and PHIL laugh]

A Spens of Sharks

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Have any tips come in about the whereabouts of those concrete zoms?

ZOE CRICK: Not yet. I know you’re worried, but these things take time, Phil. Maybe we can figure out who took them in the meantime. My money’s on an evil supervillain, the type who strokes cats and says mwahahaha!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [snorts] You stroke cats all the time.

ZOE CRICK: Yes, but I don’t mwahahaha. The mwahahaha is the crucial thing.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [laughs] But why do you think a villain would have taken them? So he can chisel the zoms out and weaponize them?

ZOE CRICK: Maybe, or maybe she wants them for decoration. Something to go along with her fleet of laser sharks.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I’m pretty sure a group of laser sharks is a pod.

ZOE CRICK: Nope, that’s dolphins. A herd?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Isn’t that for cows and sheep? Maybe a Spens? I’d be afraid of a Spens of sharks. Though I’d also be afraid of Spens of sheep, if I’m honest.

ZOE CRICK: A Spens of sharks. [laughs] I like it. It makes me think about having to share the ministerial compound with a very large aquarium. I can live with that.

Mwuahaha

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I was just thinking, why do you suppose supervillains have laser sharks, anyway?

ZOE CRICK: Why not? I’d have a laser shark if I could. A whole Spens of them, even.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Just doesn’t seem very useful, unless you’re planning on taking over Atlantis or fighting mermaid mercenaries or something.

ZOE CRICK: Mm, you know how villains are. Why use one simple method to protect your lair when 20 complicated ones will do?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Which they always explain to the hero in detail.

ZOE CRICK: Exactly. Do they know how they sound?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: “I could kill you right here on the spot, but first I will explain a few things. I know I put my powerpoint somewhere. There’s a line graph showing the relationship between your pain and the volume of my evil laugh, as well as a wipe transition that parallels the way I plan to wipe you out.”

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] Oh, come on. You can supervillain better than that.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: What do you mean?

ZOE CRICK: Charts and graphs are all well and good, but you didn’t say mwahahahaha!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Maybe I’m not the mwahahahaha type.

ZOE CRICK: You are so the mwahahaha type. But if it helps, here’s a dastardly number that will get you in the perfect frame of mind.

Barnabas Betrayal

ZOE CRICK: Ready?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I guess.

ZOE CRICK: [hero voice] Here I am, a bold hero breaking into the Lair of… of… Despair! I hope that Ferocious Phil doesn’t catch me.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [supervillain voice] I’ve got you now! Let me tie you to a pole in my fortress of evil and dance around you counterclockwise while my team of elite minions lower you into the acid vat filled with laser sharks! Mwahahahaha!

ZOE CRICK: [hero voice] But why are you doing this?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [supervillain voice] I’ll reveal all while I activate the poison gas destructo-beam! Oh wait, maybe it should be the evil eggs Benedict.

ZOE CRICK: [regular voice] Evil eggs Benedict?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [whispers in regular voice] Best I could come up with on short notice. [supervillain voice] Now just wait here while I activate my foolproof 15-step death trap guarded by my loyal sidekick Barnabus, who is not at all angry that I tested the laser sharks on his mum and haven’t given him a raise in two and a half years. He will definitely keep you under lock and key.

ZOE CRICK: [hero voice] Oh no, I’m quaking in my hero boots! Which were provided by the hero’s union which has great benefits, Barnabas, just saying.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [supervillain voice] Barnabas, what are you doing? I thought you loved me! [supervillain drowning in acid vat voice] I thought we were in it together! No!

ZOE CRICK: [regular voice] And scene. Wonderful! I knew you had it in you.

Unsung Heroes

ZOE CRICK: Who do you think decorates a death lair, anyway? Do the evil supervillains do it themselves? Do they contract out to a company? Lairs 'R’ Us, Dungeons Etc, Doom Gloom and a Brand New Room?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: And you said I had bad business naming skills. Though now that I think about it, wouldn’t the heroes just take over that company and get all the information they need to defeat the villains? That’s what I’d do.

ZOE CRICK: Maybe they do. Think about it. What if most villains really want a simple death lair? You know, tasteful, good feng shui, not too many red buttons, and it’s the designer working for the heroes who talks them into all the gadgets?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, I see what you mean. They wanted one laser gate -

ZOE CRICK: But the designer says no, everyone’s doing laser sharks this year. They’re not as effective, but so stylish.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [supervillain voice] Well, I guess I’d hate to be outdone by my evil counterparts.

ZOE CRICK: And that’s what gives the hero the time they need to escape! It’s brilliant!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [regular voice] It is. A toast to our unsung designer heroes. Thanks for keeping the world safe.

Run with Amelia

PHIL CHEESEMAN: We interrupt this program for another important announcement from the prime minister.

AMELIA SPENS: Hello again. It has been brought to my attention that this concrete V situation has lowered public confidence in me by 0.1%, a serious decline that cannot go unaddressed. I won’t be having rebellions and coups when there’s work to do.

So to show that I am listening to all of your very important concerns, I will be meeting with many of you during my new Run With Amelia program. Sign up on ROFFLEnet for a run with me, and I will arrive at your door when you least expect it for a quick jaunt around your local area. I’ll show you all the good I’m doing for the country, and you can tell me about your grandmother’s kidney pie recipe or that time you escaped the zombies by hiding in a sheep pen or what have you. Sign-ups are starting now, and I expect them to be filled posthaste, so don’t make me find you. I will see you in the field. Prime Minister out.

Herd of Songs

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hello, ci-ti-zens. We may not have any leads on the mysteriously missing concrete V’s, but no fewer than four of you loyal listeners have informed us via ROFFLEnet that a group of sharks - with or without lasers - is called a herd, a frenzy, or a shiver.

ZOE CRICK: Oh, I like those last two. A frenzy of fish, a shiver of sharks.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Gives 'shiver me timbers’ a whole new meaning.

ZOE CRICK: But here’s the real question - what is a group of zombies called? A mob? A pack? Don’t say a Spens.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I would never. A torrent, maybe. Or a glut.

ZOE CRICK: A horde.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: An infestation. I wonder if there’s anything official.

ZOE CRICK: By who, the naming board?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I don’t know, whoever comes up with a shiver of sharks. There are people for that, or there should be.

ZOE CRICK: Well, at least we know what a group of songs is. Here’s the next one from our playlist.

Something Adventurous

PHIL CHEESEMAN: And now a message from your prime minister. Another one.

AMELIA SPENS: Thank you. I have exciting news to announce that will change the way many of you see our country, though you may have already heard the news on ROFFLEnet. We have made contact with the leadership of another country, specifically the Maghreb Protectorate, which operates in what pre-Z-Day would have been portions of Tunisia, Libya, and Algeria. This is welcome news! We are not alone. Think of how we can learn from what the Protectorate have achieved. Imagine the potential vacation destinations in the desert! There are so many ways a person with nearly limitless connections and funds could benefit.

This is an opportunity for any of you who might fancy yourselves as ambassadors. Rather than send a hand-picked successor to the Protectorate before we know the dangers, I’m calling on one of you to test things out. Be the next ambassador for the UK. Travel with King Jamie to greet leaders of other lands. Bring back real sand for my beach house. The opportunities are endless. Zoe, Phil, play something adventurous.

Half Full, Half Empty

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Can you believe it? A whole other place out there with people who came through Z-Day okay. Or as close to okay as we get these days, anyway.

ZOE CRICK: I don’t know. I’d heard rumors about the Maghreb Protectorate and Amelia more or less confirmed it during a weak moment involving a peeled potato, but part of me was hoping it wasn’t true.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Huh? I thought you’d be thrilled to see the world get a little bigger.

ZOE CRICK: It’s not that. It’s that from what Amelia says, the Maghreb Protectorate has zoms just like we do, and we’re probably the reason. I hate thinking that we ruined the rest of the world.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I’m just glad there’s anyone out there at all. I worried that we were the only place left in the world with living people.

ZOE CRICK: And I thought maybe everywhere else was okay and they were just letting things here run their course while they went about their lives. [sighs] One of those is glass half full and one’s glass half empty, but I’m not sure I know which is which.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, whichever it is, at least now we know there is a glass. I’ll raise mine to the Maghreb Protectorate.

ZOE CRICK: Hear, hear.

Stereotypes

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Now that we know there’s someone else out there like us with zombies and survivors and all that, makes me wonder what happened to the rest of the world. Is France okay? Are there zombies in Spain?

ZOE CRICK: Much as I hate the idea that the whole world has zombies, it would be nice to see how they’re dealing with them. Think of how much we learned just going around the UK, or hearing about that trip Janine and the rest took to the Far Hebrides.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Exactly.

ZOE CRICK: So which country are you most interested in hearing from, other than the Protectorate? Japan? Australia?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: The US, probably. I can’t decide if they would have immediately gunned down the zombies and wiped out the threat or if there are now a very large number of zoms wearing cowboy boots.

ZOE CRICK: I don’t think cowboy boots are as popular as you’re imagining. That’s like everyone there thinking we’ve spent the last few years drinking tea and chatting with the queen.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I did chat with King Jamie the other day over a nice cuppa, but I know what you mean.

ZOE CRICK: [chuckles] For now, I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

Specialised Operatives

ZOE CRICK: I wonder if we can’t figure out who took the concrete V’s, maybe we can figure out how they did it. Concrete is heavy. You can’t just tuck it into the pocket of your school blazer and walk out of the shop while carefully avoiding the security camera because Victoria Pickard dared you to.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Who’s Victoria Pickard?

ZOE CRICK: Not the point.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You’re right, though. In order to move a concrete block with a zombie inside it, you would need some sort of specialized equipment.

ZOE CRICK: And the whole area with the concrete zoms was monitored. Cams must have been cut off in the area somehow, or Amelia would have already tracked the thieves down. You know what this sounds like?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: A lot of work for no particular reason?

ZOE CRICK: No, a heist. With a specialized team of skilled operatives ready to carry out their nefarious plans.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You’re going to play heist music now, aren’t you?

ZOE CRICK: Oh yeah.

Musical Distraction

ZOE CRICK: If you had to be on a heist team, what would you want your role to be? Hacker, hitter, getaway driver?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I don’t know. Radio host?

ZOE CRICK: Why would a heist need a radio host? Usually they’re trying to keep things quiet, not broadcast them to the whole country.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I don’t know. Elaborate distraction, maybe? A way to send codes? Or maybe they’d need a few good tunes. Nothing gets you in the mood for a heist like the proper song.

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] You’re having me on, aren’t you?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Of course not. Not everyone can crack a safe, you know. It takes a lot of people to run a successful heist.

ZOE CRICK: How many?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh, a lot.

ZOE CRICK: What’s a lot, specifically?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: More than 2, less than 20? Fine, it’s um… 16, give or take.

ZOE CRICK: 16, hmm? [giggles] Name the roles.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: All of them?

ZOE CRICK: All of them.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I will, of course. Easy as pie. Right after this very long number.

Z Head Survival Tips

PHIL CHEESEMAN: And now for a brief advertising break. Disclaimer: this advert may or may not be total codswallop. We’re not making any promises.

ZOE CRICK: You’re stalling for time while you think of heist roles. Also, do you think we have to give that disclaimer every time? It sort of takes away from the adverts themselves.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Just at first probably, until everyone gets used to it. Then maybe we can use a chime or something.

ZOE CRICK: Ooh, I like that. One moment.

[chime sound]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: “We’ve all been there. Home, at the office, on a jog, when a zombie appears out of nowhere. It’s terrifying. You feel defenseless, but you don’t have to be. What if your everyday household objects were also weapons for use in case of zombie attack? Your toothbrush handle could make a great knife, if sharpened properly. That water bottle, an improvised club in the right circumstances. And don’t get us started on what you can do with a well-located beehive. Be ready for whatever’s next with Z-Head Survival Tips. Find them on ROFFLEnet now!”

ZOE CRICK: And now back to our regularly scheduled song.

Nice Round Number

ZOE CRICK: Okay, no more stalling. I want the list of the 16 people you need to pull off a heist.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Of course, no problem. You have your hitter, your hacker, your thief.

ZOE CRICK: Mhmmm.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Mastermind, chef, trainer, DJ…

ZOE CRICK: And the chef is out pulling heists because…?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: It depends on the heist. And it is important for everyone to eat a well-balanced diet, even if they are engaged in nefarious activities. A healthy team is a stealthy team, as they say.

ZOE CRICK: As you say. Go on.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: There’s also the, um, fence. The safe cracker. The door opener.

ZOE CRICK: Mm, you’d think the safe cracker could do both.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You would, but you would be wrong, because safe crackers are all about precision and cracking with their delicate fingers, and door openers have strength, brute force. You mix those up and next thing you know, it’s the Glasgow glove fiasco all over again.

ZOE CRICK: Oh yeah [laughs] the glove fiasco that you absolutely did not just make up. Still, that’s only 10 people.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: A nice round number, and a perfect time for another song break.

Xylophonist

ZOE CRICK: We’re up to 10 members of your legendary 16 member heist team. Who are the last 6?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: The trainee.

ZOE CRICK: Ah yes, the heist intern.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: It’s important to have a succession plan. Then there’s the getaway driver. The getaway shotgun driver, who prevents a lot of getaway seating arrangements arguments. The wingman. The lighting designer, to set the heist mood. How many is that?

ZOE CRICK: Just one left.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: And the xylophonist, and that’s 16.

ZOE CRICK: Oh, come on. [laughs]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: The xylophonist is a backup in case of comms failure. A properly struck xylophone note can carry for miles.

ZOE CRICK: Well, all in all, I’m sorry I asked.

Subcontracting

PHIL CHEESEMAN: We interrupt this program for a further announcement from the prime minister.

AMELIA SPENS: I have been hearing disturbing rumors about my new Run With Amelia program. First of all, you are not running with an Amelia lookalike in a bad wig. I’m not even sure where to find a bad wig, and if I were, I certainly would not have it associated with me. I understand some of you may have found me taller or shorter or burlier or scarier than expected, but you can’t blame me for your lack of imagination. I also have not made clones of myself. I realize I have been spotted in places very far away from each other at the same time. Uh, what can I say? I’ve become such a fashion icon that people up and down the country are imitating my style, as well as someone who isn’t me possibly could.

All of that being stated, I do have one slight disclaimer. Small print, if you will. It is possible that some of the Run With Amelia outings, due to unprecedented demand, have been subcontracted to people named Amelia who may or may not be me. But since you’re still running with an Amelia, I don’t see any reason to complain. Consider the matter closed, and I or some Amelia will see you out there on the run.

Night of the Living Art

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Good news, citizens. We finally have a lead on the whereabouts of the concrete zoms.

ZOE CRICK: And all it took was a few mild threats from Amelia.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, I’m not sure I’d call them mild, but yes. Our anonymous tipster going by the name The Artiste says, “The concrete zombies were not stolen, they were reborn and reimagined, given new life. Come see the danger in beauty and the beauty in danger at the next Night of the Living Art.” That sounds very creepy. How do they mean new life? Has this Artiste let the zoms out?

ZOE CRICK: Mm, I’m sure it’s just an expression. At least we know the zoms aren’t in the hands of some deranged maniac.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Do we? Night of the Living Art sounds like something dreamed up by someone who’s constructing an installation piece on the dangers of late capitalism that consists of blowing up Aunt Petunia.

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] No, I’ve heard of the Night of the Living Art. It’s a series of pop-up shows at places that have been cleared of zoms, but are still damaged. Burned-out homes, abandoned flats, that kind of thing. One of the villages we stopped at when we were wandering the country had just had one, remember? The one where you said the barn was watching you.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: It had eyes painted all over it! I-I didn’t think it was art. I figured someone in the town just got bored or pissed.

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] No wonder you were looking at them sideways.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: They were shifty, and so is whoever decided it’d be a great idea to steal an unkillable zom, no matter what kind of art they’re gonna make out of it.

Dragon's Den

[ad chime]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: “Zombie apocalypse got you down? Looking for a fun, wholesome time that’s 98% worry-free? Come to Ed’s petting zoo and cure dispensary, where we take a bite out of - ” [door opens] Amelia! Another unscheduled visit! Our lucky day.

AMELIA SPENS: You’re welcome, although I suppose I should be thanking you. Good ideas always come from the most unexpected places.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You’re welcome. I think.

AMELIA SPENS: Well, I heard the story about your ill-fated business idea from your childhood. Incidentally, at that age I already single-handedly reshaped the economy of the five-mile radius around my house, but who’s counting? Anyway, it occurred to me that there might be other great business minds that I don’t know about right here in the UK. I had to break up a Curly Wurly barter system the other day that made me see Sam Yao in a whole new light, and he’s not even in the country. Which is why I am sponsoring the Amelia Spens startup competition. People will send in their business ideas and I will judge who is worthy.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: How is that different from the ads we’ve been running?

AMELIA SPENS: Those are finished products. I’m looking for new ideas, big dreams, possible competitors. Who knows? I might provide resources to the winner if I’m so inclined.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh! Oh, I like that.

AMELIA SPENS: Oh, of course you do, and I’m glad, because I need you to assess any ideas that come in. I’ll be happy to judge from your favorites once you’ve whittled them down. And thank you.

[door slams shut]

ZOE CRICK: Hard to argue with a woman in those trousers. Everyone, send in your ideas on ROFFLEnet and we’ll… figure out some way to judge them, I suppose?

Art Critic

ZOE CRICK: Do you ever feel like we’re cramped in here, not getting enough vitamin D? In danger of fusing with the furniture around us?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh no. No no no. First of all, you sound like one of those adverts, and second, I know what you’re doing.

ZOE CRICK: What?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You want us to go check out Night of the Living Art.

ZOE CRICK: Maybe. Okay, definitely. We can see if they really did take those concrete zoms.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: And if they did, and there’s some sort of deranged art commune that wants to cover unkillable zoms in paint and have them attack people?

ZOE CRICK: Then we run very fast and warn people. We’re journalists, Phil! Journalish, anyway. We go where the story is.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: The story is that there is someone out there insane enough to steal from Amelia and you want us to be heading towards them? And we don’t even know where to go. All The Artiste sent us is this ASCII picture of the Mona Lisa melting. Very reassuring.

ZOE CRICK: That’s probably a map. See there where her eyes are drooping? Looks a bit like the area by the Culligan Dam, right?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Would that make the floating eyelashes those farms near Tunze Township?

ZOE CRICK: Exactly. And see? There’s an X in the bottom right corner of what used to be her lip. X marks the spot. So what do you say, Phil? Once more unto the breach? We always have fun when we go running. At least by the end.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, I suppose we should see the story through for the listeners. But if they start putting eyes on the concrete, I am leaving immediately.

Technical Difficulties

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Greetings, citizens, from our foray into the art world, which we hope is not some sort of sinister death trap. We’re speaking into tape recorders, so this isn’t live, but we’re pretending you’re out there listening to us right now so that we can ignore the fact that we are 100% lost.

ZOE CRICK: We are not lost.

[tape player clicks]

ZOE CRICK: We were in fact a little bit lost.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Zoe, I thought we were playing these without commentary. Don’t want to be like those mean muppets to the back of the theater during our own show.

ZOE CRICK: I take your point, but can we skip to the part where we find the place? Nobody needs to hear me walking into branches and stepping in muddy holes.

[tape player whirs as it fast forwards, recording of ZOE shouting and splashing into a muddy hole]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Sorry about that, finger slipped. Here we go.

[tape player whirs, recording of ZOE shouting and falling into another hole]

ZOE CRICK: Seriously?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You stepped in a lot of muddy holes.

[tape player whirs as it fast forwards]

ZOE CRICK: While we figure out these technical difficulties, why don’t you listen to this -

[recording of ZOE shouting and splashing into a muddy hole]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: - next song.

Camping Trip

ZOE CRICK: Finally, we made it to Night of the Living Art. My feet are drenched and the air smells like whatever mold becomes after it dies. There are quite a lot of people here, and things that I believe could be described as art, including The Runners Walk, a series of concrete blocks of unknown but highly suspect origin with the names and images of current and fallen runners on them.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: It’s quite moving, actually. The way the colors are arranged almost reminds me of a rainbow. I don’t know why they had to steal the concrete zombies, though. I’m sure Amelia would have let them decorate them where they originally were.

[helicopter arrives]

ZOE CRICK: And speaking of Amelia, here comes the cavalry. I told you we weren’t in any real danger, though my shoes have definitely seen better days.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Do you think she’ll shut the show down? I heard two people talking about something called the Zom-topus which sounded really… intriguing.

ZOE CRICK: Mm, she might let it continue once she’s confirmed the concrete zombies are secure, if she’s in a good mood.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Wonderful! We could do a whole series here. Uh, stay overnight in one of those tents over there, make it a whole camping trip.

ZOE CRICK: A camping trip? How lovely and damp-sounding! I mean, who would want to get a helicopter ride back to their warm bed with Amelia when camping is an option?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [in the recording and in the live studio] Exactly!

Art Correspondent

ZOE CRICK: So we’re really going to camp out, huh? Here on the flat ground with no equipment and the smell of impending rain?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: We’re here, we might as well embrace it, become one with nature. It is a little cold out, but I’m sure everyone wants to hear about the show.

ZOE CRICK: But are we really the ones to share that? How much do you understand art, anyway? Do you know your Rococo from your Oh God, No?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Not much, to be honest. When we went on school trips to the art gallery, I’d stare at the paintings and read the signs, but still not sure I understood any of it. At the time, I was thinking about how my feet hurt. You?

ZOE CRICK: Mm, I like art, but my judgment is limited to whether I think it looks good. That works for paintings, but performance art, a Zom-topus? Not so much.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: We should find someone else to report on this art, and stick to the art we’re good at, finding great songs.

[tape player clicks]

ZOE CRICK: And that, listeners, is why we’re back here in the warm and comfy studio and our new art correspondent will be reporting live from Night of the Living Art. I love it when everyone wins.

Play Something Artsy

PHIL CHEESEMAN: And now a word from our prime minister.

AMELIA SPENS: Greetings. I want you all to know that the concrete zombies have been located at the Night of the Living Art event and properly secured. They may be more colorful than before, but you are no less safe. Also, contrary to what you may hear in the coming days, I did not find the thief and chain them to said concrete. For one thing, that would damage the structural integrity of the concrete. For another, I like the installation’s color scheme. That said, I do not condone theft, especially of things that belong to me, and the culprit will be punished accordingly. That’s all you need to know.

Never let it be said, though, that I don’t support the arts when materials are obtained through proper channels. I will be sponsoring Night of the Living Art exhibitions throughout the UK as places of culture to show that under my leadership, the UK is a place for creativity as well as survival. Uh, likenesses of me are not required, but in case you feel moved, pencil sketches of me in a variety of poses are being distributed throughout the townships. If nothing else, I am a giver. Phil, Zoe, play something artsy.

Glamping

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Before we play our first roving artist report, what’s up with you and tents? You told me you and your cousins used to go camping in the lakes when you were kids, but you could barely last 10 minutes under canvas.

ZOE CRICK: It was a bit damp, that’s all, and I didn’t want to come down with a cold. What would that do to my radio voice?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, I thought you were interested in topping up your vitamin D.

ZOE CRICK: I am, but it occurred to me as we were walking that Amelia’s sun lounge would work much better than tromping through the woods at night, fun though that is.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Sun lounge? [laughs] That proves it. You’ve been spoiled.

ZOE CRICK: I have not! I’m the same down-to-earth Zoe Crick I’ve always been.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Really? I hear there’s a feather bed in the ministerial suites. How is that not spoiled?

ZOE CRICK: Feathers can be itchy.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Can they now? And silk is just so slippery, right?

ZOE CRICK: Well, now that you mention it… [sighs] You know what? Fine. Maybe I have acquired a taste for the finer things. I don’t think you wanted to sleep on that cold ground, either.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Of course I did.

ZOE CRICK: Fine, let’s go back. I’ll let Amelia set me up with some high quality glamping gear and you can lie on the hard ground in a leaking tent.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I would, of course, but we’re back now and I do have plans with Layla later, so maybe next time.

ZOE CRICK: Sure, next time.

Zomlert

[ad chime]

ZOE CRICK: “Zombies. With a cure available throughout the UK and zombie attacks down over 50% nationwide, you might be thinking that you can sit back, relax, and enjoy the apocalypse, but don’t be fooled. Zombies are still everywhere and one wrong move could have you stranded far away from a cure center and coughing like only a soon-to-be zom can. So why not get some peace of mind with Zom-lert?

Zom-lert is the UK’s first early alert system for zombies. It can be used in your home, township, or barricaded commercial building. Does it look like a stick? Yes. How does it work? We can’t tell you. Will you sleep better at night? Absolutely. Contact Zom-lert today.”

Warm but Sad

PHIL CHEESEMAN: And now, citizens, I am proud to present our new roving art reporter, Kytan. We’ve set him up with a radio so that we can speak to him at the click of a button and get his live perspective on the arts.

ZOE CRICK: [whispers] And? Go on.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [whispers] All right. Yes. Um… this one! [presses button]

KYTAN: Thanks so much for making me a part of the team. I was chuffed to see you at the Night of the Living Art, even if it was for only a few minutes, and I can’t wait to tell the listeners all about it. It’s called Night of the Living Art, but it’s actually on all week, so listeners should pay a visit. Art really is a great way of bringing people together.

ZOE CRICK: It is. So what’s been happening since we left? Tell us everything.

KYTAN: It’s rad! You saw The Tunnel of Runners already, right? Knowing there’s a zombie inside the art, like how deep is that?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Very deep.

KYTAN: The deepest. Think about it. It doesn’t matter what we could become on the inside, it matters what we do with what we’ve got, how we make the world more beautiful, right?

ZOE CRICK: The rightest.

KYTAN: And then the Zom-topus…

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yes, please, what is a Zom-topus?

KYTAN: Okay, so picture a mosh pit full of zombies, and then freeze it. Literally, the whole thing is a sculpture made out of ice, and the water for the ice mixed from 15 different townships. It shows how the zombies separate us, but they bring us together.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: That’s really uplifting. Now I’m a little sad I didn’t stay to see it. Much warmer than I would have been, but sad. Good work, Kytan. We’ll be back to you right after this next number.

Mind-Opening

ZOE CRICK: Kytan? Kytan, are you there? Is your earpiece in?

KYTAN: Zoe? Yeah, sorry. Easy to get caught up in all this creative energy. There’s a group of dancers here creating a body sculpture that almost looks like an ocean wave or a group of zombies. Depends on whether the last man on the left is supposed to be upside down.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Because a wave and a group of zombies are very similar, obviously.

KYTAN: [laughs] I know, right? I never thought about it until just now, but zombies come and go like a force of nature, and if we accept that, we can move past our fear. That’s why art is so amazing! Opens the mind.

ZOE CRICK: Beautifully said. Anything else opening your mind at the moment?

KYTAN: Well, there’s a man in a hood standing on one leg and panting.

ZOE CRICK: Panting? Is there a reason?

KYTAN: I’m not sure. I need a minute to observe. Can I come back to you in a bit?

ZOE CRICK: No problem. I’ll put on something appropriately mind-opening.

Not That Deep

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I wonder, if you had unlimited time and materials, what kind of art would you make? I think I’d be into papier mache. You can make furniture out of that, you know.

ZOE CRICK: But why would you?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Good question. And I’m sure Kytan has an appropriately pithy answer. Kytan, can you hear us?

KYTAN: Hello?

ZOE CRICK: We’re here. How’s the panting man?

KYTAN: Well, at first he didn’t move at all other than panting, and I thought it was a reminder to all of us of the difficulty finding stillness in times of great chaos. I’m not sure if you’ve read any of the notes I’ve been sharing on ROFFLEnet about wellness, but it’s so important to take a moment to breathe these days.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Haven’t gotten to those yet, but they’re definitely on my reading list.

KYTAN: Thanks, man. This time though, turns out I was wrong, since he started moving a minute ago, did a sort of breakdown spin, and now he’s standing again, but on the other leg.

ZOE CRICK: Let me guess, that’s about the way that running tires us out, but we must find joy in it anyway?

KYTAN: No, I think he might just be on some kind of drug. Anyway, I’m heading deeper into the art. Talk soon! Kytan out.

Definitely Not Art

[ad chime]

ZOE CRICK: “Are you looking for love in all the wrong places? Was your last love a Last Rider? Try ROFFLEdate, and let ROFFLEnet point you to - ”

KYTAN: Zoe, Phil, come in!

ZOE CRICK: Kytan? Hello? How did you even do that? I thought we were the ones contacting you.

KYTAN: Just a little reverse engineering of this radio doohickey. Didn’t want you to miss any of the fun. That’s all right, right?

ZOE CRICK: Well, I was in the middle of an ad, but it can wait. Do you have more art to tell us about?

KYTAN: Oh, absolutely. I’ve just moved inside.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Inside where?

KYTAN: Inside the first house. There are three in this exhibit. They all look terrible from the outside. Bullet holes, scorch marks, the usual. But inside, they’re art galleries. Here’s a list of the pieces: The Pink Explosion, Meditations on an Empty Room, Primal Scream, The Bone Man.

ZOE CRICK: The Bone Man? And I thought panting man was odd. Obviously you need to go see it yourself, Kytan, and describe it for us in detail. And to give you time, here’s a song that has absolutely nothing to do with bones and definitely isn’t art.

Overenthusiastic

ZOE CRICK: Have you found The Bone Man yet, Kytan? Now there’s a sentence I never thought I’d say.

KYTAN: I’m in front of it now, and I really like it. It’s a man made of bones.

ZOE CRICK: Like a skeleton?

KYTAN: Well, not quite. Imagine taking a skeleton and then adding even more bones in all the spaces in between.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I’d rather not.

KYTAN: It’s awesome! Kind of like a human sand castle.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Except the sand is bones.

ZOE CRICK: I guess that makes a certain sense. Isn’t normal sand itself just made of bones?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: No, who told you that? Oh, forget it, I don’t want to know. But I’m staying far away from Amelia’s sun lounge and beach retreat now, I’ll tell you that.

KYTAN: Well, if it’s anything like this, it’ll be beautiful. Find the beauty in death, right? That’s what Night of the Living Art is all about. I think this is the key to really helping people cope with everything that’s going on. If we connect people to their creativity in their bones, in their souls, they can be well, you know?

ZOE CRICK: Not really, but good for you, Kytan.

KYTAN: I’m feeling the urge to connect with my creativity right now! I hate to leave you without an art reporter, but I need to go before the inspiration leaves me.

ZOE CRICK: Have fun! Hope that turns out okay! [sighs] An over-enthusiastic Kytan can be a dangerous thing. We’ll be right back with our regularly scheduled programming after this.

Buyer Beware

ZOE CRICK: Ow! My nose really, really hurts.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I’m so sorry, Zoe! When I put that’s Zom-lert stick thing in front of my house, I didn’t expect it to actually go off.

ZOE CRICK: I know, and I don’t blame you. How are you to know that it would work so well, or that it was so sensitive?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Still, I should have examined it more closely before installing it. It just wasn’t designed for New Canton’s close quarters. The makers assumed anyone coming to visit you is a zombie, and not -

ZOE CRICK: Your very dear friend, come to invite you to game night on a whim? Oh, I suppose I could have let you know I was coming.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: No, I like it when you drop in. I didn’t expect the sound to be so loud. I should have checked who was there before I grabbed my toothbrush.

ZOE CRICK: Good thing you hadn’t finished sharpening it.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Can you imagine?

ZOE CRICK: Yes, extremely vividly. We’re lucky I only tripped over your legs and nobody was hurt. I have a cat’s reflexes, you know.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Honestly, I had underestimated your ability to tuck and roll. And again, I am so sorry.

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] No harm done, but please listeners, take caution while using these new products. I know we gave our disclaimer, but trust me, some of these are buyer beware… of killing your friends.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I’m so -

ZOE CRICK: Sorry. [laughs] I forgive you. Now let’s find me some good old-fashioned healing music.

Free Gifts

ZOE CRICK: So did you get everything we’ve been advertising? The home design, the decaying brownies, the zom-ba workout classes? You must have traded every snack you’ve stowed away.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I’m not the only one. I see you have your hair up in one of those very fashionable scrunchies made of sports bra elastic. And is that a new zombie detecting compass?

ZOE CRICK: Yes, though I’m not convinced it works. If zombies had different magnetic properties to non-zombies, Amelia would have told me about it, and built the UK’s largest magnet. Plus, who wants to get close enough to a zombie to test a compass?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: But you got one anyway.

ZOE CRICK: What can I say? You never know. And full disclosure, the manufacturers sent me one for free so I’d be able to use the products we’re advertising.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Wait, you got your things for free, too? I thought it was just me.

ZOE CRICK: No. [laughs] Seems like every runner who stops by to see Amelia is dropping off something for me. I’m starting to feel like a hoarder. Maybe this advertising thing has more to recommend it than a near fatal stabbing with a sharpened toothbrush.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Something to think about while we listen to this next song.

Product Placement

ZOE CRICK: So I’ve thought about it, and maybe we should stop the advertising.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You think?

ZOE CRICK: I do. We’ve had some feedback from listeners that it’s taking over the show. Amelia’s entire sitting room is covered in boxes. And your breath smells like custard.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, from that custard-flavored trail mix I got the other day?

ZOE CRICK: I certainly hope so.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: What can I say? I just can’t stop eating this stuff. You wouldn’t think that custard and crunchy things and chewy stuff would go well together, but they do. They really do.

ZOE CRICK: Wait, are you product placement-ing right now? I’d cut you off with a song, but I’m too busy lacing up my new trainers, made from recycled rubber and well, old trainers. Don’t they look stylish?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yes, but you could have just repaired your old ones if you had a trainer repair kit. They’ve given my old shoes new life.

ZOE CRICK: Well, my voice has never been smoother since I started drinking Dale Township honey cordial.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I use that on my face, and my pores have never been… larger.

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] All right, you win. But I definitely think we need to give the ads a break and get back to our core business.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Music with a side of wit?

ZOE CRICK: Exactly, starting with this next song.

Am-a-zom

[ad chime]

ZOE CRICK: Well, this is the last one. After this, no more advertising, overt or otherwise. Phil, take it away.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: “Do you ever wish that you could get more than your standard township weekly allowance? Some sweets you’ve been craving, a jumper in a new size, some hot sauce to spice up your next meal? Turn to Am-a-zom.”

ZOE CRICK: Am-a-zom? That does not sound like a safe place to shop.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: “Am-a-zom repurposes the goods left behind by your friends and neighbors. Think of us as a warehouse full of things that you wish you could get your hands on, but don’t want to risk your neck for. We give you the goods you’ve been looking for, and you give us something you won’t miss.”

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] That’s actually better than I thought, although “something you won’t miss” sounds a bit sinister, like you’re about to accidentally make a deal with the devil for your immortal soul.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I think it’s less your immortal soul and more those extra socks you found in the wrong size. “Am-a-zom, when you’re on the turn and it’s too much effort to get to a cure center, come to us instead. We’ll find lovely new homes for all your most prized possessions.”

ZOE CRICK: For the record, if you get bitten, you should definitely go to the cure center, not Am-a-zom.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: “Am-a-zom. You may be gone, but your things can live on.” And now enjoy this next song.

Sweet Little Lies

ZOE CRICK: I keep thinking about that Am-a-zom company.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Because you gave away all of the free samples from our other advertisers and are now craving custard trail mix? Or maybe that’s just me.

ZOE CRICK: Definitely just you. No, I was thinking how sad it is to have someone rifling through people’s empty houses to trade their stuff.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I don’t know. Isn’t that what we all did after Z-Day? Nothing like having your life on the line to make you worry less about what’s yours and what’s mine and more about how do we all get through the night?

ZOE CRICK: Maybe that’s why the adverts felt a bit off, like people trying to get things from each other instead of working together. Plus, I think we both had pretty rubbish announcer voices.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Speak for yourself. Layla said I could sell flesh to a zombie.

ZOE CRICK: That’s sweet. A lie, but sweet. Much like this next number.

Love is in the Air

ZOE CRICK: You know, our ads might have done some good after all.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: How? Someone successfully used a toothbrush knife to hold off a horde of zombies?

ZOE CRICK: No. But that service, ROFFLEdate, that we mentioned on air?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: The one filled with fake profiles, had a track record of suggesting people meet up with known zombies to connect?

ZOE CRICK: That’s the one. It looks like some of the people who were discussing it on ROFFLEnet have made their own alternative, with personal ads and missed connections and everything.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Missed connections?

ZOE CRICK: You know, the ads that are like, “Me: on the tube reading the art section. You: crying over your smartphone. We locked eyes, and you sniffled. I think we could have had something. Call me.”

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yes, I always used to read those. You know, just in case I’d caught someone’s eye. Well, it’s nice to think zombies haven’t gotten rid of the drive to find love. Now that’s the kind of ad we should run on the air.

ZOE CRICK: I like it, but it wouldn’t have to be an ad at all. Something like Missed Connection Mondays.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Perfect. [sings] Love is in the air, everywhere you look around. Love in the air, every sight and every sound.

Misspent Youth

ZOE CRICK: I’m excited for our first Missed Connection Monday. We’re bringing people together and helping them find love, or at least an interesting story. I feel like the fairy godmother.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: The “I’ll get you a carriage” kind or the “I’ll curse you to sleep until you get kissed” kind.

ZOE CRICK: The good kind, and that was a surprising amount of knowledge about fairy tales.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I did have a childhood, you know! And I may have briefly been part of a small theatrical company that did a Christmas panto every year.

ZOE CRICK: Oh, you teen rebel, you.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Other people rebelled. I preferred making 20 quid an hour to be a big bad wolf.

ZOE CRICK: The big bad wolf, really? I’d pay to see you huff and puff and blow a house down.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Not the big bad wolf, a big bad wolf.

ZOE CRICK: There’s more than one? Listeners, I hate to put our missed connections on hold, but you want to know about this episode in Phil’s misspent youth as much as I do, right? We’ll get to the bottom of it after this.

Bit Less Gore

ZOE CRICK: So were you the understudy or something?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh no, I was on stage. They filled out the story a bit to give it a wholesome message.

ZOE CRICK: What’s the point of a wholesome panto? Oh wait, I just realized there are two big bad wolves. The Three Little Pigs one and the Red Riding Hood one. Do you think they were the same wolf?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: No, not in my production. There’s a whole family of wolves called the Bads. I was one of the younger brothers, Cecil Bad.

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] You’d think they might have found a slightly better surname. Hard to be angry about your kids going astray with that foreshadowing.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah. I don’t quite remember the backstory, but I think my wolf started to go down the wrong path and reconsidered when his brothers kept dying.

ZOE CRICK: That doesn’t sound like much fun.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: No. To be honest, kids usually left the theater crying. In retrospect, we could have done with a few more, “He’s behind you!"s and a bit less gore.

ZOE CRICK: Oh, well um… Here’s a song for the pantomime dame in us all.

Cecil Bad

PHIL CHEESEMAN: And now, missed connections -

ZOE CRICK: Oh, you thought I’d finished asking questions, did you? [giggles] That’s sweet.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Go on, then.

ZOE CRICK: So I have to know - first, how long were you in the teen panto troupe?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Two months, maybe? Turns out I wasn’t cut out for life on stage. And fur itches.

ZOE CRICK: Always good things to learn at a young age. Second, can you give me one robust Cecil Bad wolf howl for old times?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Is “no” an acceptable answer to that question?

ZOE CRICK: Nope.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: All right, then. [howls]

ZOE CRICK: Oh, come on. I know you were badder than that.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [howls]

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] Oh my word, Cecil Bad, indeed. And now I think we all need a moment to recover.

Philosobaking

ZOE CRICK: That number put me in exactly the right mood to read missed connections. Wistful, romantic, just the right amount of piccolo.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I don’t think I heard any piccolo.

ZOE CRICK: Exactly. And now our first missed connection. Phil, do the honors.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Jo-hanna? Joanna? Johanna? Johanna from Abel says, “This message goes out to Abel’s Runner Seventy-Four. I loved our talks about philosophy and baking. You made every small supply run feel like a chance to chat up an old friend.”

ZOE CRICK: Oh, that’s a perfect start. I can hear the debates now. Would Descartes prefer fondant or buttercream icing? [PHIL clears his throat] Oh, sorry. Continue.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: “When we got separated by zoms a few months ago, I assumed you’d make it back to Abel. You were always faster than I was, after all.”

ZOE CRICK: Now I’m not sure I like where this is headed.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: “When you never came back, I assumed the worst, but on a run the other day, I swear I saw you. Same trainers and everything. I’m not sure what happened, but I’ve been thinking about you and I miss our talks. If you’re out there, contact me.”

ZOE CRICK: Oh, that’s not so bad. Maybe Runner Seventy-Four ended up having to relocate to another settlement. Hopefully. Runner Seventy-Four, if you’re out there, contact us and we’ll put you in touch with your old philosobaking friend. Here’s a song about long-lost friends to encourage you.

Warm Suspenders

ZOE CRICK: Let’s do another missed connection.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: This is from Barry from accounting. Barry says, “It’s a long shot, but this is for Jacqueline. I worked for Barnacle Pharmaceutical - ”

ZOE CRICK: That is not a real place. It cannot be.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: " - in accounting when you were the finance director. You’ll remember me as that bloke who always wore braces every day and always made jokes about blue tits.”

ZOE CRICK: Oh Barry, no.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: “At the time, I didn’t think someone like you could possibly be interested in me, but if we both survived the apocalypse, maybe it was meant to be. I even still have some braces.”

ZOE CRICK: This one’s for you, Barry. Keep those braces warm.

Friendship

ZOE CRICK: You know, when we came up with this missed connections idea, I thought most of them would be from people who were chased by zombies together and lost touch, but a lot of them are from before the zombies.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I was surprised too, but it makes sense. I’m sure we all have lists of people we wish we knew what happened to or wish we could have said some last thing to, romantic or otherwise.

ZOE CRICK: Sometimes I feel like I don’t have enough of those. I’m not sure I remember all my Barry’s from accounting anymore. It’s like when you take a new job and you say you’ll stay in touch.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Then you never, ever do.

ZOE CRICK: Exactly, except now the job is zombies, and even if you wanted to stay in touch, you couldn’t.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: So wait, if we went off to do new jobs and the apocalypse was now, do you think I’d be your Barry from accounting?

ZOE CRICK: Of course not. You’re not getting away from me that easily, Cheeseman.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Aw, I don’t know what to say. [ZOE laughs] But you know, here’s a song to commemorate our friendship.

Something Provincial

PHIL CHEESEMAN: And now another word from your prime minister.

AMELIA SPENS: I need to have a word with all of you about what it means to be an ambassador. When I made the generous offer to consider appointing ambassadors from the somewhat suspect group of people who regularly listen to this program, I expected a few opportunists, cons, crooks, thieves, flimflammers, and prevaricators.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I’m sorry to interrupt, Amelia, but aren’t those all basically the same thing?

AMELIA SPENS: You would think so. Unfortunately, it seems that I slightly underestimated the number of you who apparently just want something to do. And while I appreciate the enthusiasm of the many of you who believe that being an ambassador amounts to going on holiday while spending the country’s money - as if I couldn’t manage that on my own - I am going to need you to do a little work as part of your applications.

Being an ambassador is all about relationships, so I challenge you, if you truly want to be my ambassador, to use whatever connections you have gathered over the last few years, to send me information about another part of the world. If I can verify it, you’ll be accelerated to the final round. As for everyone else, I suggest you wait for the next sunny day to tan, and remember all it is that makes whatever small place you live in feel like home. Phil, Zoe, play something provincial.

Sufficiently Clever

ZOE CRICK: If Amelia’s getting anywhere near as many applications for ambassadors as we’re getting for her business plan competition, I can see why she needs to whittle them down.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: There has been a robust response. Everything from children’s games to runner training programs to a scary number of alcoholic beverages brewed in old portaloos, citing rust as a flavoring. Um, to make things a bit easier for ourselves, we’ve decided to disqualify several categories of business.

ZOE CRICK: It’s not that your ideas weren’t lovely, but Amelia’s looking for something large scale, which means no home crafts.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Apologies to the quilters, knitters, painters, and model building constructors.

ZOE CRICK: You lot really made me consider the multitude of applications for tongue depressors.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: It also means no weaponry, and no toys, and absolutely no weapon toys. Yeah, we’re glad you want the next generation to be able to defend themselves, um, but I am not ready to face down a five-year-old armed with something called the Kid’s Club Corkscrew Annihilator.

ZOE CRICK: Still, we appreciate your participation and have passed all your ideas to Amelia just in case. She - and this is a direct quote - “reserves the right to contact you if you came up with something sufficiently clever.”

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Of the rest, we’ve narrowed it down to three. We’ll be announcing them right after this next song.

Runstaurant

PHIL CHEESEMAN: And now, without further ado, the first of three finalists for Amelia’s startup contest.

ZOE CRICK: Finalist number one is - drum roll, please. [PHIL patters his hands on his legs and snaps] The Runstaurant.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: In their own words, the Runstaurant is envisaged as a restaurant that puts the fast into fast food. Fast as in speed, that is. Not uh, a period of time when you’re avoiding food.

ZOE CRICK: I think everyone got that.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: The Runstaurant would be created as a cooperative between different settlements who each contribute a portion of their food stocks. Trained runsters then prepare tasty on-the-go meals and deliver them to runners who are out at work. All they ask in return is to keep 10% of the food for their own use.

ZOE CRICK: I love the idea of being on the run and having someone bring me a sandwich, or a piece of fruit, or anything, really.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Sounds like a great way to keep runners healthy and happy. Congratulations, Runstaurant, on making the finals. Meet our next finalist after this song.

Pet Friendly

ZOE CRICK: On to the second of our Amelia’s startup competition finalists. This one, unsurprisingly, is my favorite. Moggie and doggy cafes, AKA MADcafs.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: According to the creators, one of the hardest things for people during these zombie-infested times is relaxing. Enter local dogs and cats in need of love.

ZOE CRICK: MADcafs is like Night of the Living Art but for pet lovers. They take over an empty house for a week, fill it with friendly strays, and invite everyone in town.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Each one lasts for a few days, and works to bring people together to decompress, trade goods, and enjoy the animals.

ZOE CRICK: I didn’t know how much I needed this to exist.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You promised to be fair to the other two finalists, Zoe. No trying to convince Amelia to give MADcafs a win.

ZOE CRICK: Hey! I may have my favorite, but I also have my integrity. Anyway, it’s not like Amelia listens to a word I say, except when… You know what? Never mind. But whoever came up with MADcaf, I tip my hat to you.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: That’s why you wore a hat today?

ZOE CRICK: Shhh. Just play an appropriately pet-friendly song.

Big Thinkers

PHIL CHEESEMAN: And now the final finalist - that sounds weird - for Amelia’s startup competition.

ZOE CRICK: This one is called ROFlet, and if you think it sounds a lot like ROFFLEnet, that is 100% on purpose. ROFlet uses old printers to print informational posts from ROFFLEnet and distribute them to settlements that don’t have much access to computers.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I forget sometimes not everyone has ROFFLEnet on hand.

ZOE CRICK: Same here, but with ROFlet, it seems like that problem might be solved. Makes me think back to the days when people got the Sunday paper delivered to the doorstep.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: When did you ever read a physical paper?

ZOE CRICK: I didn’t say I did. I said people did. [PHIL snorts] And that’s all our finalists for the startup competition. Congrats to all three

PHIL CHEESEMAN: And thank you to everyone who sent in an entry. We’ve got a lot of big thinkers in this country. Makes you feel good about the future.

ZOE CRICK: Just like this next song.

Constructive Feedback

PHIL CHEESEMAN: So what happens now we’ve sent the startup competition finalists to Amelia. Does she just pick one, or -

[door opens]

AMELIA SPENS: Runstaurant, MADcaf, and ROFlet? Those are the best companies on offer? [sighs] They sound interesting enough, though not quite as compelling as whatever a Kid’s Corkscrew Annihilator might be, but they each have serious problems.

ZOE CRICK: How do you mean?

AMELIA SPENS: Runstaurant wants to bring food to runners at work, but how will they know where they are and intersect with their route at the right time? Without, I might add, running into any zombies on the way? Unless Abel Runner Five is the one delivering the meals, I don’t see how the logistics could possibly work.

And MADcaf, do you have a plan in place for how to keep zombies away from a location that’s full of dogs barking at cats? The racket will attract every zom in the area. Nothing ruins that happy feeling like having to run for your life.

Finally, ROFlet. It’s good to get information out, but how do you deal with questions, and responses, or changes, even? Giving people outdated information is a great way to get them killed. And another thing, it makes no sense that -

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Amelia, let’s give our entrants a minute to take in this feedback before you give them more. While they do that, you can tell Zoe and me how you feel the contest went. Don’t go away, listeners. We’ll be right back.

No Reward

ZOE CRICK: We’re back in the studio with Amelia, who just delivered an exacting critique of the finalists in her startup competition. Now we’re going to ask her a few questions about her approach to the competition.

AMELIA SPENS: If you think I don’t know you’re trying to scold me for being upfront with the finalists, you are sorely mistaken, but go ahead.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Thank you. Amelia, what were you hoping to gain from the startup competition?

AMELIA SPENS: Good business ideas that I can make better.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Lovely. And what do you think are the characteristics of someone who would be successful in this competition?

AMELIA SPENS: Thick skin. Look, I appreciate you standing up for the little guy, but I’m sure that whoever’s behind each of these endeavors would prefer actionable feedback to empty platitudes that feel good, but fix nothing. In fact, if you hadn’t interrupted me earlier, I would have told each of these businesses how to fix their problems with the type of sage wisdom that in any other era, would have seen me amply rewarded by an adoring public.

ZOE CRICK: Amelia, you’re already prime minister.

AMELIA SPENS: That is no sane person’s idea of a reward.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh, anyway, Amelia, I’d love to hear your ideas for fixing the winning proposals, so let’s have a quick song before some business advice from our wise prime minister.

Business Success

ZOE CRICK: If you’re just tuning in, you’re in for a treat. Prime Minister Amelia Spens is about to bestow advice upon the finalists in our startup competition.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: As a reminder, Zoe and I narrowed down the entries to three. Runstaurant, which delivers food to runners on the go. MADcaf, a travelling pop-up dog and cat cafe. And ROFlet, a printed version of the latest from ROFFLEnet.

AMELIA SPENS: Yes, and as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted: Runstaurant, you need lookouts and shortcuts that will enable runsters to make it to runners in time and intact. MADcaf, you should be investing in noise cancellation measures and locating soundproof basements for your animals. Finally, ROFlet, you should focus on evergreen content. More recipes and fewer discussions of short-term zombie movements. Once you have done those things, reach out to Zoe and Phil. No winner today, but if you keep working at it, you each have a chance of making your business a success.

Spens School

ZOE CRICK: Amelia, before you go, I have a question for you.

AMELIA SPENS: That you can’t ask me later?

ZOE CRICK: Not that sort of question. One for our listeners. There are rumors that you’re taking on students.

AMELIA SPENS: And?

ZOE CRICK: I’m just not sure people look at you and think, “There walks a natural teacher.”

AMELIA SPENS: First of all, I make a great teacher. I think of being prime minister as teaching the country, leading us into a new era of peace and prosperity, and you all have a lot to learn.

ZOE CRICK: Yes, but that doesn’t answer the question. Who are these students of yours?

AMELIA SPENS: Well, as you’ll remember, I led the charge in rescuing several mothers and children during Sigrid’s regime, and I believe that children are the future, or something equally trite. That’s why I’ve created the Spens School for Precocious Youth. Happy now? I really do need to get back to running the country.

ZOE CRICK: Almost. One more question on the topic after the break. I’ll make it up to you.

AMELIA SPENS: Oh, I know you will.

Challenge Accepted

AMELIA SPENS: Zoe, you had a question about my educational plans for the next generation?

PHIL CHEESMAN: Actually, it’s my question. Prime Minister, the acronym for your school is S-P-Y. Spy. Is that a reflection of what you’re teaching there?

AMELIA SPENS: So you noticed that? I don’t give you enough credit, Phil. You’re not actually as dopey as you look. For the record, the School for Professional Youth teaches a variety of skills. Stealth and observation, advanced questioning techniques, what rhymes with dog, the works.

ZOE CRICK: I knew it. You’re teaching those kids how to interrogate people.

AMELIA SPENS: Oh, please. Yelling questions at someone under a harsh white light is ineffective at best and gauche at worst. My techniques are far more subtle. Play a song and think of something you don’t want me to know. I’ll pretend to be a small child and get you to blab.

ZOE CRICK: Challenge accepted.

State Secrets

AMELIA SPENS: Now have both of you thought of your secrets?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: This is feeling uncomfortably like that time I went to see a magician and ended up having a card to pick, and never mind.

ZOE CRICK: We’re ready.

AMELIA SPENS: All right. Now picture me as a small child. Before you say anything you’ll regret, I was adorable. My pigtails were the envy of the village. Now I’m going to whisper some questions to each of you and extract your secrets.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Whisper?

AMELIA SPENS: I can hardly broadcast state secrets, can I?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: State secrets? What exactly are you gonna ask us?

AMELIA SPENS: Sometimes it’s good to leave something to the imagination, Phil. That’s why garters were invented. Now play the next song and I’ll ask my questions.

Something Victorious

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I can’t believe that worked.

ZOE CRICK: Trickery, nothing but trickery.

AMELIA SPENS: That, my friends, is how the game is played. Thank you for telling me your secrets, and Zoe, well done for making it all the way to the bonus question before caving.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I’m still not sure how you managed to get my secret out of me, but my instinct to never play an innocent game with Amelia Spens has been proven 100% correct.

AMELIA SPENS: I thought it was fun, like yoga for the mind, and a technique that all children should learn, don’t you think? You never know when the ability to get information from someone could mean the difference between a first class flight and a week in solitary.

ZOE CRICK: A week in what?

AMELIA SPENS: And now I really do have to run. If you have any other questions about the school, feel free to ask the kids themselves next time you’re in the area. Oh, and play something… victorious.

They Grow Up So Fast

ZOE CRICK: You know, much as I hate to admit it - and after that mind magic she just pulled, I very much do - I’m glad Amelia’s looking after the rescued children.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, I suppose it’s good they’re not out causing trouble.

ZOE CRICK: At their age? Are you picturing little tots in leather jackets, getting tattoos and hanging out with the wrong five-year-olds?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Better than rows of those same five-year-olds walking silently through the streets and whispering in people’s ears like a miniature secret police.

ZOE CRICK: They’re children. I’m sure you could take them.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: They’ll grow up eventually.

ZOE CRICK: And when they do, they’ll think fondly of Auntie Zoe and Uncle Phil and make sure they get everything they need. Right, kids? This one’s for you.

Wildly Inappropriate

MAXINE MYERS: Hey there! I am Doctor Maxine Myers.

PAULA COHEN: And I'm Doctor Paula Cohen.

MAXINE MYERS and PAULA COHEN: And this is Ask Doctor Mauline!

MAXINE MYERS: Welcome back to Radio Cabel's favourite medical advice show.

PAULA COHEN: Only medical advice show.

MAXINE MYERS: Picky, fussy!

PAULA COHEN: This time we'll be taking your requests for advice on dealing with the psychological toll of the apocalypse. Ambiguous loss, endless lockdowns, zombie hordes -

MAXINE MYERS: Zombie horses!

PAULA COHEN: Uh, not so far this apocalypse. But give it time. Hey, how come you got to have the first initial in the show name?

MAXINE MYERS: Because it was my show to begin with!

PAULA COHEN: Hmm.

MAXINE MYERS: Because "Ask Doctor Pax" is wildly inappropriate under the circumstances.

PAULA COHEN: Mm, granted. And we'll be right back after this song with your questions.

Chicago Red-Hot

MAXINE MYERS: And we're back! What's our first question, love of my life?

PAULA COHEN: Our first question is from Annika in Andover who asks, "At this point in the apocalypse, we all know what to do when somebody gets a zed bite: contain, isolate, give the antigen, and hope for the best. But what if you do everything right and you're just not fast enough? Or if you don't have the antidote available? How do you cope?"

MAXINE MYERS: I presume Annika means once you've done the necessary?

PAULA COHEN: Maxie, you're going native!

MAXINE MYERS: Well, it's not like I'm getting back to Chicago any time soon. Oh, though I would kill somebody for a Chicago-style Red-Hot.

PAULA COHEN: Do I even want to know?

MAXINE MYERS: All-beef hotdog, bun, dragged through the garden. [groans]

PAULA COHEN: Dragged?

MAXINE MYERS: Dill pickle spear, sweet pickle relish, yellow mustard, white onion, sliced tomatoes, sport peppers, celery salt.

PAULA COHEN: That's like Cockney rhyming slang! No ketchup?

MAXINE MYERS: No ketchup.

PAULA COHEN: [clears throat] Back to our actual job. I believe the reader is asking for coping strategies after...well.

MAXINE MYERS: Well. And we'll be right back with those after these wildly inappropriate musical interludes.

Grieving Process

PAULA COHEN: And welcome back. This is Ask Doctor Mauline, where we're taking your questions on strategies for safeguarding and perhaps even improving your mental health during the zombie apocalypse.

MAXINE MYERS: Improving?

PAULA COHEN: Eh, could happen.

MAXINE MYERS: Do you suppose that Janine knows that neither one of us is a licensed therapist of any kind?

PAULA COHEN: I did a psych rotation once, before I realized that I should never be involved in any kind of medicine that involved direct patient. Anyway, our current question is from Annika, who is looking for advice on coping strategies after being forced to...

MAXINE MYERS: Euthanize?

PAULA COHEN: Euthanize an infected loved one. A scenario which, sadly, many of us have encountered.

MAXINE MYERS: Before we go any further, I think we ought to remind listeners that it's absolutely one hundred percent okay to acknowledge that everything is awful and there are no solutions. And even if you did know what to do, nothing would help.

PAULA COHEN: That would be...well, an accurate and emotionally honest assessment of the situation.

MAXINE MYERS: In some ways, yeah. I think it's harder now than earlier in the apocalypse. Then, it was a very clear decision. You knew if you were bitten, you were gonna die. Now we have treatments and prophylaxis and evidence of immune individuals. The old clear-cut metrics are fuzzy. It's normal to second-guess yourself after making such a terrible decision.

PAULA COHEN: Natural to experience grief, as well. We think we should be able to keep a stiff upper lip about everything.

MAXINE MYERS: Keep calm and zombie on.

PAULA COHEN: But grief is a process.

MAXINE MYERS: And one we don't always have time for when we're scrambling to survive.

PAULA COHEN: So it's important to allow yourself to accept that guilt and anger are normal parts of the grief process.

MAXINE MYERS: And more on that when we return.

Ambiguous Loss

MAXINE MYERS: Welcome back to Ask Doctor Mauline, where Paula is giving us some strategies for healing from guilt and grief.

PAULA COHEN: Hello, listeners. When experiencing grief, it's important to be gentle with yourself. Contrafactual ideations - the "woulda, coulda, shoulda"s - are your brains way of figuring out strategies that might be helpful in the next crisis.

MAXINE MYERS: But they can also make you incredibly miserable and become intrusive, disrupting your whole life.

PAULA COHEN: This is especially true of ambiguous loss.

MAXINE MYERS: Maybe you can define ambiguous loss for us, Paula.

PAULA COHEN: Certainly. The classic example is a missing person, or a person who no longer seems like themselves due to illness or brain injury. But a loved one who has gone grey is a sort of ambiguous loss as well. And that's the hardest kind of grief to get a handle on. If your spouse has become a zombie, are you still married?

MAXINE MYERS: I am.

PAULA COHEN: Oh, Maxie!

MAXINE MYERS: [laughs] And we'll be right back after this song.

Marvin Gaye Interlude

MAXINE MYERS: Today on Ask Doctor Mauline we're talking about navigating the emotional challenges of surviving the end of the world. So, Paula, if I'm experiencing guilt and anger as part of my grief, what can I do about it?

PAULA COHEN: Well, the most important thing is to give yourself time. To allow yourself to experience those emotions and to accept that they are normal. Grief often gets represented as a linear process, but no healing is linear. You can pretend you're neatly moving from denial to anger to bargaining to depression to acceptance, but even Elizabeth Kübler-Ross, who codified that idea of grief stages, never claimed it was a linear progression.

MAXINE MYERS: There's no set of tickets you can punch to get a free ride on the emotional healing train.

PAULA COHEN: [snorts] Wasn't that a Marvin Gaye song?

MAXINE MYERS: Hands off my culture, Cohen!

PAULA COHEN: Oh, backing away now! [MAXINE MYERS laughs] Anyway, we often grieve in this way because it gives us a sense of control. Maybe there was something we could have done to change the outcome. Maybe we could've fixed everything. Maybe life is fair.

MAXINE MYERS: Life is not fair.

PAULA COHEN: That's not new in the apocalypse.

MAXINE MYERS: Nope, no it isn't. So, what can you do about grief and guilt to make it more endurable?

PAULA COHEN: You can talk to other people who have had similar experiences. Unfortunately they're not hard to find. They can help you feel less alone and help you decide if the guilt you're feeling is irrational or rational. Think about what you would tell a friend in your situation. Or what your loved one would say to you, and try to apply that to your situation.

MAXINE MYERS: Are there any concrete physical steps you can take as well?

PAULA COHEN: Sure, you can make amends, if you think your guilt is really justified. You can do things in honor of your lost loved one. Often helping others is how we find our own path to healing. It's really important to respect their boundaries, though, so don't force help upon them if they don't want it.

MAXINE MYERS: Acts of service, you mean.

PAULA COHEN: Yeah. And on that note, we'll be back after this song.

MAXINE MYERS: Which is probably not Marvin Gaye.

PAULA COHEN: Probably.

Uncontrollable Craving

PAULA COHEN: And we're back, answering your questions about mental health in the apocalypse.

MAXINE MYERS: Our next question is from Worried Well Maybe in Cardiff - hello Wales! - who wants to know, "How do you handle the fear that any time you have an off day, a little cough or some muscle aches, you're turning grey?" She says, "I have allergies and I spend every spring and fall convinced that I have splashed through a virus-infested puddle or something, and that in minutes I'm not just dying but I am infecting my entire community."

PAULA COHEN: Oof. That's a little close to home.

MAXINE MYERS: It's true, and it's not like you can just nip down to Boots and pick up an over-the-counter zombie test.

PAULA COHEN: True, but if the symptoms have been persisting for more than a few hours and you haven't started to lose voluntary control of your vocal cords or sensation in your extremities, you're probably not turning into the undead.

MAXINE MYERS: And you should definitely self-isolate until then, or whenever.

PAULA COHEN: Yes. And if your symptoms are not caused by the zombie virus, wear a respirator or other face covering and try to avoid being in unventilated places with others. Wash your hands frequently. Influenze, coronavirus, RSV, pneumonia, they're all still with us and they can cause serious illness. And living in close quarters as we do, they can spread quickly.

MAXINE MYERS: And if you do start to feel any numbness or tingling in your extremities, or experience an uncontrollable craving for human flesh, get a dose of the antidote as soon as you possibly can.

Share Your Cake

PAULA COHEN: Our next question is from Lee is Glossop. Lee writes, "How do I manage to feel okay with celebrating positive things, like a wedding or the birth of a child, when the whole world is falling apart around us? It feels so selfish to enjoy anything good."

MAXINE MYERS: Ooh, that is such a relatable question too.

PAULA COHEN: It's as if we're all undergoing a giant collective trauma or something.

MAXINE MYERS: Mm. Lee, I think of it like this: your celebrating won't increase the suffering in the world. It will not make things worse for those who have lost loved ones or suffered in the ways we have all suffered for these past years. There's always enough misery to go around, but your celebrating will decrease the misery in the world. So it's a net good.

PAULA COHEN: Especially if you share your cake.

MAXINE MYERS: Especially if you share your cake with me.

Not Child Labour

PAULA COHEN: Oh, this next one is relatable too.

MAXINE MYERS: Lay it on me.

PAULA COHEN: Broody In Bristol writes, "I have always wanted children and I have a supportive partner I think would make a great co-parent. At first I thought I would just wait until the apocalypse was over, but now we all know that this is just how the world is now. How do I justify bringing children into this blasted hellscape? How do I justify taking the risk of childbirth when there is so much demand on our few surviving healthcare professionals already?"

MAXINE MYERS: A lot of really good questions there. You know, I thought a lot about all of these before we decided to have Sara.

PAULA COHEN: We all did.

MAXINE MYERS: Yeah, yeah. What we realized eventually was that there has never been a good time to have children. And eventually, you know, I'm gonna need geriatric care, so I hope there's some younger humans around when that happens.

PAULA COHEN: [laughs] We should all be so lucky! Needing geriatric care. [MAXINE MYERS laughs] Personally, I've found the end of the world very clarifying. It turns out that even under the current conditions, I want to be alive. I want to be here, with my Maxie. And I want to be one of Sara's mums.

MAXINE MYERS: Also, you know, she is really adorable when she rubs dirt on her face and chases Sam around pretending to be a zombie that wants to eat his brains!

[MAXINE MYERS and PAULA COHEN laugh]

PAULA COHEN: It's the cutest thing I've every seen!

MAXINE MYERS: Anyway, you know, post-collapse agriculture requres a lot of manual labour. So if rude, nosy people try to make you justify your decision, just tell them it's for field hands. Remember, it's not child labour if you're just giving them chores around the compound.

PAULA COHEN: [laughs] Maxie! And, um, [clears throat] we'll be right back after this song!

Marginally Useful Answers

MAXINE MYERS: Welcome back to Ask Doctor Mauline, where we're taking your post-apocalypse mental health questions nearly seriously.

PAULA COHEN: And our next question is from Rhiannon.

MAXINE MYERS: [gasps] Oh, tell me she is a Welsh witch.

PAULA COHEN: [laughs] Actually, it means "a goddess", but hey, you can't expect pop stars to get the mythology right.

MAXINE MYERS: And what does the goddess want to know?

PAULA COHEN: Well, Rhiannon asks, "How do you keep the incredibly annoying people you've been forced to take shelter with during a long-term mass horde type situation from harshing your vibe?"

MAXINE MYERS: Well hey, if you find out, let me know! [laughs]

PAULA COHEN: Ah! Hey! [laughs]

MAXINE MYERS: No no no no, not you, dearest, I mean never, never you.

PAULA COHEN: Well, it's a good question though! And we'll be right back with some marginally useful answers right after this.

Pre-apocalypse Oldie

MAXINE MYERS: Welcome back to Ask Doctor Mauline, where we're discussing how to prevent cabin fever and deal with the desire to hurl the people you're locked in with into the middle of the nearest undead horde, along with all their Coach handbags. [PAULA COHEN laughs] Well, you cannot run from zombies in Louis Vuitton.

PAULA COHEN: You have to find ways to get some space, and give other people space as well.

MAXINE MYERS: Well, you know, and that can be hard if you're locked down with somebody who is bad at boundaries.

PAULA COHEN: It's true. Sometimes the only space you can find is inside your own head.

MAXINE MYERS: Noise cancelling headphones are great for that, and they're still pretty easy to find in high-end electronics stores. I mean, you might even be able to find a small solar charger as well.

PAULA COHEN: Or, trade for some time on your community windmill or waterwheel.

MAXINE MYERS: Sometimes shifting your schedule can help get some alone time too. For example, it seems unlikely that your cohabitants would complain if you got up early, especially if breakfast was ready when they arose. Or if you prefer to stay up late, one can stand guard or do a little quiet cleaning after everybody else is in bed.

PAULA COHEN: It might also help to remember that you can't control other people's behaviour, but you can choose how to react to it.

MAXINE MYERS: That's true! And we'll get into it in a little more depth when we get back from this pre-apocalypse oldie.

Under Stress

PAULA COHEN: Well if that's an oldie, I'm an antediluvian.

MAXINE MYERS: Vintage, my love! With a fine patina that only adds to your value.

PAULA COHEN: [laughs] What an excellent example of the tactics for keeping your cool that I was just about to discuss. Which is being aware of your own reactivity and taking steps to act consciously instead of acting viscerally.

MAXINE MYERS: In my mom's day they used to call it "bad tape."

PAULA COHEN: Right. As a kid, we learn from experience to react in certain ways to certain stimuli because it gets a certain response. But then we get out into the real world and around people that aren't our families and we have to learn different ways of relating.

MAXINE MYERS: Conscious ones.

PAULA COHEN: Right. Possibly, your annoying housemate is unconsciously trying to get you to react in a way that fills some emotional need of theirs. And because they don't have the self-awareness or the skills to communitcate that need, they're, uh -

MAXINE MYERS: Performing the rituals they learned as a kid.

PAULA COHEN: Old, bad coping mechanisms tend to rear up when we're under stress.

MAXINE MYERS: It's true. Let's talk about that some more when we get back.

Low Standards

MAXINE MYERS: Terrible coping mechanisms: how do you know when you're using one? Go.

PAULA COHEN: Um, you feel worse afterwards instead of better.

MAXINE MYERS: It does you physical harm.

PAULA COHEN: It does someone else physical harm.

MAXINE MYERS: These are the standards we live by in the current zombie apocalypse.

PAULA COHEN: And we'll be right back with more.

Valid Recreational Uses

PAULA COHEN: This next question is from Amanda in Much Deeping who asks, "I have a chronic health condition that limits my ability to be useful and do my share. I feel like a burden. How do I cope?"

MAXINE MYERS: I know I shouldn't say "oh, sweetie" to patients but...oh, sweetie. You know, what I'm hearing here is a lot of self-judgment.

PAULA COHEN: And first, I want to say that if you are contributing to the best of your ability, then you're not a burden on your community. Not everybody has to be a runner or heavy labourer to contribute to the common good.

MAXINE MYERS: There's so many tasks that need doing in any settlement, and not all of them require you to be able-bodied. Everything from spinning yarn to minding children.

PAULA COHEN: Distilling.

MAXINE MYERS: For medical purposes. It's not like anybody's manufacturing prescription anxiolytics anymore.

PAULA COHEN: Hold on, so you're [laughs] you're telling our listeners to cope through heavy drinking?

MAXINE MYERS: That might be the worst medical advice I've ever given anyone.

PAULA COHEN: Oh, I don't know about that. There was that time that you told old Peter that the best way to treat a broken leg was to, and I quote, [in an American accent] "rub some dirt on it and walk it off." [laughs]

MAXINE MYERS: Yeah, well, to be fair it was Peter. [laughs]

PAULA COHEN: Anyway, I think in addition to cleaning out wounds, alcohol has some valid recreational uses.

MAXINE MYERS: Well, my co-host is getting a little dreamy-looking at the idea of alcohol, so, um, I think it's time to go to a song.

Desperate Measures

MAXINE MYERS: Well, we're back. And Phil brought Paula a half-pint of scrumpy so I think we're emotionally ready to move on to the next question.

PAULA COHEN: Mm-hm! And the next question is from Alex who asks, "How do you deal with the exhaustion, loneliness, and sameness of being locked down by a big horde without absolutely losing your ability to cope? It's not just that every day is the same and the walls are closing in, it's that I'm starting to think that maybe I should just go outside and get bitten to get the inevitable over with."

MAXINE MYERS: Well...yeah. I mean if we had a phone, I'd be tempted to take listener calls on that one. It's a struggle, to be sure.

PAULA COHEN: Uh...a pet can help? If you have room and supplies for a pet.

MAXINE MYERS: Or a, you know, sourdough starter is a kind of pet. And you can catch one anywhere if you have some water and flour.

PAULA COHEN: Maxine has killed three so far, so [laughs] if they turn pink don't eat them.

MAXINE MYERS: [laughs] Paula!

PAULA COHEN: Rofflenet and radio.

MAXINE MYERS: I heard some folks east of here who were using mirrors to chat back and forth and sending flashes in Morse code.

PAULA COHEN: That's actually really clever.

MAXINE MYERS: Yeah, desperate times. And hey, you know, as long as the batteries hold out and the zombies won't hear you, you could dance around your shelter to this next song.

PAULA COHEN: Dancing always makes me feel better!

Dialup Tone

MAXINE MYERS: I realized that we missed one of the best coping mechanisms for boredom in lockdown. You could run a Demons and Darkness game!

PAULA COHEN: Oh, good one! Now, our favourite expansion packs are Hunt of the Night Lord, The Ancient Song of the Stone Worms, uh...what's that one with the giant butterflies?

MAXINE MYERS: Yes, yes, Wings of Hell! And obviously anything by Guinevere Wilde.

PAULA COHEN: Hold on, what if you're alone? Rofflenet doesn't exactly support video calling, or even real-time chat.

MAXINE MYERS: Play by email. Like we used to do back when I was in medical school?

PAULA COHEN: That's actually not half bad. Slow, however.

MAXINE MYERS: Any SMTP port in a storm!

[PAULA COHEN imitates the sound of a dial-up modem; PAULA COHEN and MAXINE MYERS laugh]

Breaking Bad

PAULA COHEN: Here's a question from Fade.

MAXINE MYERS: Ooh, like the haircut.

PAULA COHEN: Uh...yes? Anyway, Fade wants to know if there are any good solutions for self-medicating for ADHD when no prescription meds are available.

MAXINE MYERS: So, caffeine is traditional. On the other hand, not being what we used to call neurotypical might be an adaptive trait in the current circumstances. Hypervigiliance is adaptive now.

PAULA COHEN: It's also possible to make your own methamphetamine.

MAXINE MYERS: Possible for whom?

PAULA COHEN: Well...me.

MAXINE MYERS: Would that be wise?

PAULA COHEN: No, Maxie.

MAXINE MYERS: Are there perhaps, you know, safety drawbacks to consider?

PAULA COHEN: Uh, yes, Maxie.

MAXINE MYERS: Play a song, Paula. And uh, not anything off the Breaking Bad soundtrack.

PAULA COHEN: Yes, Maxie.

Hard and Fast Answers

PAULA COHEN: Ooh, here's a juicy one. From Sonja, who writes, "Hey docs, I feel really guilty about kicking my zombie-denialist brother-in-law out of the shelter. My sister is still furious with me but his behaviour was endangering all of us and I gave him endless opportunities to change. Still, he insisted on playing loud music, refusing to stand overnight watches, not maintaining fence discipline, and generally acting as if nothing had changed since Z-Day. And I noticed that my sister didn't go with him when he left. How do I deal with these feelings of guilt and try to reconcile with my sister?"

MAXINE MYERS: Ooh, that's a rough one.

PAULA COHEN: Mm. I don't think there are any hard and fast answers in a situation like that. But, um, let's play the listeners a song while we think about it and come back with some strategies.

Hot Beverage of Choice

MAXINE MYERS: Let's start with the question of Sonja's sister, since I suspect a reconciliation there might help with Sonja's guilt feelings?

PAULA COHEN: Sure. I do want to remind Sonja that she absolutely did what she had to do. We have to make allowances for each other's fragile mental health in these times. But that does not mean that we need to abandon our boundaries and let other people endanger us because they are engaged in denial and avoidance behaviour.

MAXINE MYERS: Wow, I guess some of that psych rotation stuck with you.

PAULA COHEN: Mm, I had a lot of time to read when I was being held prisoner. And there were at lot of psychiatry journals in Van Ark's collection.

MAXINE MYERS: Right. Um...yep.

PAULA COHEN: Yeah...yeah. [laughs]

MAXINE MYERS: Um, well, here's something to consider anyway. Sonja, it's possible that your sister wanted her husband removed since she decided not to go with him. But she may be feeling some guilt and shame herself over what se perceives as her own disloyalty to him - especially if there are kids involved - and externalizing those feelings onto you. Obviously, you know, that's just one possibility, but she might be angry at you for doing her a favor, you know, more or less.

PAULA COHEN: It's true. People can experience paradoxical anger in a situation like that.

MAXINE MYERS: Assuming that you're on speaking terms at all and that you can find time for a private conversation in your current circumstances, it might be worthwhile to sit down with her with a nice cup of...dandelion root coffee and -

PAULA COHEN: Oh, that's not nice.

MAXINE MYERS: [laughs] Well, it's what we've mostly got. Or nettle tea. [PAULA COHEN makes a disgusted sound, MAXINE MYERS laughs] Okay, any hot beverage of your choice. Whatever you can get. And just listen to her. Ask her how she's feeling, ask her what her experience of the conflict was. Just try not to defend yourself or your choice. It's hard, but it might clear the air between you.

PAULA COHEN: And she might wind up telling you things that make her feel better too. Which might help you feel better about the choices you've made.

MAXINE MYERS: It's a first step, anyway. And we'll be back with another question after this song.

Backwards Day

PAULA COHEN: Our next question is from Mohammed in Balbriggan. We're getting a lot of routine Rofflenet traffic from the Republic of Ireland, aren't we? It's amazing. Um, well, Mohammed is curious about strategies for balancing work, home, and community zombie-fighting responsibilities. He also asks, "How do I make my husband feel loved and cared for when my duties as a runner keep me away from home for days at a time?" Mm. "Also, what's the best thing to tell children when pets or loved ones become zombies?" Argh.

MAXINE MYERS: Ohh, saving all the hard ones for after we've warmed up, I see.

PAULA COHEN: Mm. Well, the good news is that it's exceedingly rare for the zombie virus to hop species to an animal host.

MAXINE MYERS: Yeah, and I think we only know of one or two incidents? Well, you know, Veronica would know for sure but uh, that's not really relevant now.

PAULA COHEN: You can be honest with kids while also trying to pitch it to their level. Kids are really curious and they have to be, after all, to learn and survive. And I think it's better to tell them the truth.

MAXINE MYERS: Yeah. You know, the old "Granny went to live on a farm upstate where she can run and play with the other grannies" [PAULA COHEN laughs] just makes them feel like people will leave them on purpose without warning and without ever communicating again.

PAULA COHEN: [laughing] Yeah, not that you have any childhood trauma about that, Maxine.

MAXINE MYERS: Well, my parents were not good at breaking bad news about the family dog. And then! My uncle told me Mom and Dad were lying and Sparky got run over by the UPS truck, which sure didn't un-traumatize me.

PAULA COHEN: You never told me that! That's horrible!

MAXINE MYERS: Yeah, I don't think he ever really got over Vietnam.

PAULA COHEN: Well, I-I think there's a line between lying and being brutal. And I think most people can find it, when they're not acting out of their own trauma.

MAXINE MYERS: Yeah. Yeah, I think that's right. You know, be truthful and be kind. And we'll be right back after this song, with an answer to your first question.

PAULA COHEN: It's backwards day! [PAULA COHEN and MAXINE MYERS laugh]

Quality Time

MAXINE MYERS: And we're back to answer Mohammed's question about how to balance family life with the demands of the pandemic.

PAULA COHEN: And that's an adventure, all right.

MAXINE MYERS: Well, especially when you come home at the end of a long day of fighting the undead and all you want to do is collapse into a comfortable chair and nap for a few hours. But your spouse who's been doing childcare all day needs adult conversation and some respite from the toddler.

PAULA COHEN: Oh yeah, that.

MAXINE MYERS: And all I can tell you is that, you know, if your work takes you away a lot, when you're home do your best to be present. Never underestimate the power of asking somebody how their day went.

PAULA COHEN: One of the biggest predictors of a successful relationship outcome is -

MAXINE MYERS: We also call that the "Happy Lasting Marriage."

PAULA COHEN: - is whether the couple can be kind to each other and make space for each other's needs even when they're angry or unhappy or exhausted.

MAXINE MYERS: And of course your husband needs to be present for you as well. Maybe you can set aside just a few minutes on a regular basis to do something you both enjoy, so you feel a sense of connection and shared time.

PAULA COHEN: Not all of it should be time spent with the kids. Once there are children in the picture it's so easy to let the relationship revolve around their. But half an hour of quality time with your partner after the kids are in bed can make a real difference.

MAXINE MYERS: Which doesn't mean you can't all sit down on the floor and play with LEGO blocks or something.

PAULA COHEN: With the kids or without them.

MAXINE MYERS: And here's a great song to build to before we come back with our next question.

Pax Abel

(Plays if Season 9 Mission 30: Crossing the Line has been completed.)

PAULA COHEN: Our next question is from an anonymous runner via a secure channel. Hmm, very unusual! This runner asks a question that I think is on all of our minds lately. "How do I maintain my sense of objective reality while being gaslit by narcissistic billionaires?"

MAXINE MYERS: Well, if you find out, let us know.

PAULA COHEN: Now one way to deal with gaslighting, no matter who's doing it, is to find a reliable reality check.

MAXINE MYERS: Hard in lockdown, of course.

PAULA COHEN: Mm, true. Now you can also keep a journal in which you write down what actually happened while it's fresh in your mind. Write down direct quotes of what the person said when you can, so you can check back later and see if they contradicted themselves.

MAXINE MYERS: Yes, yes! Mobiles aren't much use as phone anymore, but they do still make handy pocket cameras and audio recorders. And there are plenty of them lying around. You can take photographs of what's going on or record conversations.

PAULA COHEN: Now, pushing back against the situation is a different set of problems. The more calmly and politely you can do that, the more effective it will be. Just remember that the gaslighter's goal is to confuse and upset you so they have control of the situation. If you can get things in writing, say an email or a chat, that will help too because you can see how the gaslighter shifts the narratives over time.

MAXINE MYERS: And that doesn't just apply to billionaires.

PAULA COHEN: No, it works with politicians and cohabitants and coworkers too. The more effective you are at setting boundaries, however, the more aggressive they may become. So please be careful, and always know where the exits are.

MAXINE MYERS: And our exit is through this next song.

PAULA COHEN: Was...was that the last one?

MAXINE MYERS: Yeah, for now.

PAULA COHEN: Well! Stay safe out there, everybody, and as sane as possible under the circumstances. Just remember: it's not you. The world really has gone crazy.

MAXINE MYERS: [laughs] And this is another edition of Ask Doctor Mauline.

PAULA COHEN: Pax.

MAXINE MYERS: Paula! [MAXINE MYERS and PAULA COHEN laugh]

Codex

Supplies

The following supplies can be found in Season 9 Radio Mode.

9mm Ammo
Anti-depressants
Axe
Bandages
Baseball Bat
Batteries
Board game
Book
Bottled Water
Box of Lightbulbs
Candles
Car Battery
Cutlery
Dress
Flashlight
Fuel Can
Hairbrush
Hammer
Lock pick
Mobile Phone
Notebook
Pain Meds
Paintbrush
Pencil
Power Cable
Prescription Pain Meds
Radio
Seeds
Shirt
Shorts
Sports Bra
Tent
Thermal underwear
Tinned Food
Tool Box
Trousers
Underwear
USB Key
Wild food