Season 8 Radio Mode

Important announcements and updates from Abel to those who find themselves away from home.

Cast

• Amelia Spens
• Peter Lynne
• Maxine Myers
• Phil Cheeseman
• Zoe Crick

Crew

• Writer: Mary Gusgrave & Zombies, Run! Writing Team
• Director: Matt Wieteska
• Sound Designer: Mark Pittam
• Series Created By: Naomi Alderman

Transcript

Prime Minister Spens

AMELIA SPENS: Hello, Britain. Amelia Spens here, speaking live from my office in New Canton. I’m interrupting your scheduled broadcast for an important announcement. Following the recent V-type attack on Seaside Base, the settlements of the UK Alliance have voted to appoint me as their prime minister. An utterly correct choice, it goes without saying. Now I know a lot of you must be nervous at the prospect of a united UK government. After all, the Ministry was a wash, Colonel Sage fell through, and even the famous leader of Abel Township has had her detractors. No wonder some people expect to be let down.

And we face many challenges. Zombies, civic unrest, a generally appalling lack of haute couture. But unlike those other leaders, I know how to give the people what they want. It’s the apocalypse, citizens, but we’re tired of living under gray tyrants and sage attitudes. This country needs a leader who can pluck up its spirit with style, and nobody has style like Amelia Spens. This is your prime minister saying stay tuned for further announcements, UK, because exciting things are happening. Ta for now. Amelia out.

Morale Building

AMELIA SPENS: This is the prime minister with another message for the people of Britain. Dear UK, it’s time to put the Last Riders behind us. I know their specter still looms over the country. That idiotic cannibal gang spread chaos far and wide, and then had the temerity to rise as living dead. Naturally, that sort of thing can leave an impression. On some people, I mean. Not on me. I’ve always been rather quick to get over terrible things which have, by and large, happened to other people.

And that’s the key for us all to remember, citizens. The Last Riders came, they went, and they happened to other people. They have taken all they can and they’ve been wiped out. Well, there are a few unreformed stragglers here and there, but don’t you worry. I’m having my best runners track them down.

We’re the survivors, folks, doing the only thing survivors can - moving valiantly into the future. Take heart in outliving the less fortunate. I always find it tremendously cheering. Honestly, I don’t know why people are always saying morale boosting is hard. Seems perfectly easy to me. All right, UK, until the next time. Toodles, etc. Prime Minister out.

Scale Replica

AMELIA SPENS: Good morning, Britain. Prime Minister here. There’s been a lot of ROFFLEnet speculation over when my government will be moving down to London, so to settle the issue now, it won’t. We’re having a scale replica of the House of Commons built nearby so the UK leaders can meet here. Frankly, citizens, it took forever to get this office set up and I’m not moving the chandeliers or the mahogany desk or the fresco of half-naked athletes. Besides, think about it. It’s the zombie apocalypse! Is Number 10 really a safer place for me than a big damn castle covered in sniper emplacements?

I’m sure we’ll make it down to London for the odd bit of pageantry, but this is a government for modern times. Wherever it sits, it’s got to be somewhere with great big walls. Admit it! In my position, you’d all be thinking the same thing. Anyway, that’s all for now, but do keep an ear out for more announcements from the top. I quite like knowing the whole country is listening on tenterhooks. Good day for now, citizens. Amelia out.

Pays for Itself

AMELIA SPENS: People of the UK, this is your PM. Members of the press - by which I mean forums on ROFFLEnet - have been very curious about my government’s tax policy. My chancellor, Bernard Prior, has been allowed to form a committee to design a new country-wide currency, provided he stops suggesting rubber ducks.

But for now, UK, I’m honestly quite happy with the barter system. For taxes, my government will sit down with each settlement, discuss your economy, and work out a fair resource contribution in exchange for a seat in the UK Alliance. Don’t you worry about a thing, settlement leaders. When it comes to negotiating with Prime Minister Spens, you’ll soon find that dazzle pays for itself. See you very soon. This is your splendiferous leader, waving over and out.

Mistake

AMELIA SPENS: People of Britain, PM here. Clearly, the leopard was a mistake. In fairness, the UK government has a long tradition of employing cats, hence the office of Chief Mouser. And anyway, it’s not a real leopard. It’s a sophisticated animatronic obtained at auction. And if you’re listening, Brent, that’s one more novelty item you’ll never get your hands on.

Obviously, having my photo taken with the leopard has led to a number of citizens trying to copy my style, and while I can’t fault the impulse, I would remind you all that the various big cats, hyenas, elephants, and zebras roaming the country are all post-apocalyptic zoo escapees. You should not - and I can’t believe I’m having to say this - attempt to take a selfie with them.

[paper rustles]

And for those of you wondering, yes, the leopard is still in my office, ready to pounce on the next civil servant who thinks putting 20 prepositions in a sentence is going to throw me off. It won’t actually eat you, but it will pin you down while you’re forced to read all 160 pages of Gladstone’s Civil Service Bathroom Ordinances. My government in action, listeners. It doesn’t want you hurt, but if you try my patience, you’ll find out it has teeth.

Won't Rebuild Itself

AMELIA SPENS: Dear United Kingdom, your prime minister here, popping up to congratulate you all on doing a sterling job so far. Over the last few weeks, the number of zombie cure facilities across the country has tripled, a dozen old Ministry hospitals have been refitted into public service, and I’ve had the absolute best manicure of my life during a state visit to Nendale Settlement. Congratulations, team, we’re making it work.

And Janine De Luca, if you’re out there listening, yes, this announcement is to gloat! The people love me! And they’re right to do so. [slow claps] That’s all, citizens. Carry on about your business. The country won’t rebuild itself. This is the prime minister, smiling down on all of you. Toodles.

Admired Their Palaces

AMELIA SPENS: People of the UK, look. Your prime minister has always admired the monarchy. At least, I’ve always admired their palaces. So I want to quash the rumors of hostility between the king and I. Yes, he looks rather sullen during our weekly state conferences, but honestly, he glowers like that with everyone. It’s probably how he flirts. And yes, he was upset when I borrowed the Crown Jewels, but honestly, I gave most of them back. [sighs] King Jamie is a grand symbol of the country, citizens. That’s what the monarchy is for, symbolic. Now you just leave the actual governing to me. This is your prime minister saying over and out.

Preventative Measure

AMELIA SPENS: People of Britain, this is the PM. Now look, the country was recently brought near destruction by a V-type outbreak. I’m sure you all recall my heroics at Seaside Base which narrowly averted catastrophe. Since then, I’ve created an elite military task force specifically to contain the V-type threat. The Anti-Gray Berets have proved exceptional at locating stray V-types and encasing them in concrete.

But the threat remains severe which makes the increasing prevalence of V-type cults frankly absurd. No, you will not become immortal if you drink their blood. You will in fact die and then become part of the problem. If my forces come upon one more group trying to capture a V-type to feed off, I swear I’ll start having you encased in concrete as a preventative measure! Honestly, some people. It’s a wonder they ever survived the apocalypse. Prime Minister out.

Postal Service

AMELIA SPENS: Good morning, United Kingdom. Today, I’m proud to announce a new joint venture between the UK government and the Long Way Home caravan. Some of you may be familiar with the caravan, which has been traveling the country, reuniting loved ones separated by the apocalypse. Laudable work to those of you who put a premium on loved ones.

But I think we can do better. In exchange for government support, the LWHC has agreed to expand its services to include postal delivery. The caravan will continue traveling across the country, delivering loved ones onto each other, and also the mail. Settlement runners may also be conscripted by the convoy to help with local drop-offs. Stamps will be sold at all government-run supply depots at very reasonable barter prices, payable directly to government employees. In exchange, delivery is guaranteed.

This is not just an institution being reborn, good citizens, this is a symbol. Anarchy does not have a postal service. The country is coming out of the dark and your prime minister is going to put her stamp on it. This is Amelia Spens, promising with us, the check will be in the mail.

Full Turtleneck

AMELIA SPENS: People of the UK, this is your prime minister. I’m banning mock turtlenecks. Honestly, I’ve never seen the point of them. Either wear a full turtleneck or don’t bother at all. That is all. Prime Minister out.

Ration Support

AMELIA SPENS: United Kingdom, this is your prime minister speaking live from my office. Oh, for heaven’s sake, Javier, you’re my personal masseuse. You don’t have to pause every time I make a formal announcement. [paper rustles] Dear Britain, as you know, the Seaside oil rig recently returned to its position off the UK coast. Those evacuated from the rig during the V-type assault are home again, and this has apparently prompted several settlements to suggest we ought to exile the rig and its people back out to sea at gunpoint.

Listen, we were all mildly surprised to discover Colonel Sage’s role in starting the Last Riders, but he’s gone and his former colony is part of the UK Alliance. Furthermore, it’s got a bunch of science labs and a great big drill my government can use, so let’s keep the kingdom united, eh, folks? No bearing grudges against the people of Seaside, or my government may have to reconsider which settlements are eligible for ration support. Ta for now. Amelia out.

Wig and Robes

AMELIA SPENS: All right, UK, your prime minister loves cocktails as much as anyone, but not the Molotov kind. [paper rustles] Last night, rioting erupted in Banktown, a settlement on the shore near Seaside Rig. Allegedly, a group of drunken traders from Minnowsdale attacked several Seaside residents, yelling, “Justice for Exmoor!” Do you know how I like to sleep, citizens? By not having Bernard Prior burst into my room at 3 AM shouting, “Chaos in the streets, ma'am!” over and over again.

So here’s what’s going to happen. Those responsible will present full apologies to the people of Seaside Rig. Their settlement will punish them severely. The people of Seaside Rig will accept my generous offer of military protection, and Mr. Prior will be allowed out from under the leopard of government. And if this ever happens again, United Kingdom, please be aware, when it comes to dishing out justice, I look outstanding in a wig and robes. This is your prime minister, not warning you again. Over and out.

Wisdom

AMELIA SPENS: People of Britain, of course your prime minister is flattered. [paper rustles] Apparently, the settlements of Alswood, Loden, and Surrow have erected statues of me. Admittedly, they look suspiciously like statues of Sigrid with the faces changed, but I can’t fault anyone for idolizing yours truly.

You know UK, in a perfect world, I might enjoy a statue or two, but right now, the country’s rather strapped for resources and the truth is, there are just more useful tributes you could make to me. So while I appreciate the thought, let’s find a better use for all that marble, shall we? A new tannery or two would be nice. Really soft leather jackets are so hard to come by in this day and age. This has been your prime minister, proving that my wisdom outweighs my vanity. Ta for now.

No Comment

AMELIA SPENS: Dear old United Kingdom, this is the prime minister. I’m happy to announce that Abel Township has volunteered to donate all of its confectionary, including a recently discovered stockpile of Curly Wurlys, to the children of New Canton, in particular, the orphans. What generous spirits! What monsters they would have to be to take such an offer back.

In other news, I certainly have seen the leaked note from Sam Yao of Abel suggesting that Janine De Luca would be a better prime minister, and I have no comment to make on it. This has been Amelia Spens, bringing happiness to the nation’s children. Until the next time, bye.

Running Water

AMELIA SPENS: This is the prime minister. A lot of people have been asking on ROFFLEnet when’s the next election going to be? The answer is when the government says so. Look, UK, we’ll get around to it eventually I’m sure, but for the moment, what would you rather have? More fuss over leadership, or running water without the cholera? Answers on a postcard, please, addressed to someone else. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve a solid day of trade negotiations to get through. Ta for now. Spens out.

Enjoy the Show

AMELIA SPENS: Dear UK, I know there’s been a lot of public concern about the recent tea and biscuit shortage. The truth is yes, national stocks are running perilously low. We are some years into the apocalypse, after all. But don’t be concerned. My government is working to address the issue.

Listen Britain, I know you’ve been sending lots of worried letters about this, but honestly, you should all relax. Life expectancy is up, zombie sightings are down. All right, there’s some red fungus appearing on the coasts, but we’re dealing with it, and it’s been months since all life in the UK was last nearly wiped out. Since the end of the world, you’ve never had it so good. You put me in charge, UK. My administration has everything under control. So just sit back, relax, and enjoy the show. This is your glamorous prime minister saying ta ta for now.

Livestock

AMELIA SPENS: People of the UK, naturally yesterday’s decision to carpet bomb part of the Lake District was taken with utmost reluctance. My government treasures the country’s natural resources. Unfortunately, those resources turned out to include a number of V-types wandering a cave system near Wisedale Settlement. The settlement was evacuated, but the entire area was riddled with cave exits. Leveling the vicinity was the only way to block them all. Thanks to a swift helicopter strike, the V-types have been entombed away from the light of day. Obviously, some people are very upset about the loss of livestock, housing, and trees in the area, but please do try to look at the big picture. What’s a little carpet bombing in exchange for all of us not dying? This is Amelia Spens saying over and out.

Biscuits Again

AMELIA SPENS: People of the UK, consumable catastrophe has been averted. Using equipment loaned from Seaside Rig, my government has retrieved a number of shipping containers from a sunken cargo vessel off the coast of Wales, first detected by the Undaunted months ago. Several of these containers were watertight and have graced our country with renewed supplies of biscuits, tea, jam, and sugar. The economy is booming once again.

Now some people have been saying that I knew about this cargo all along and becoming prime minister was an elaborate gambit to get hold of it, which is absurd! Becoming prime minister was an elaborate gambit to get all sorts of things, and if I know one thing about you, UK survivors of the zombie apocalypse, it’s that you appreciate a straight talker.

And for those of you claiming this has all been a stunt to bolster my approval ratings after the Wisedale incident, I say, oh yes? So you won’t be wanting any biscuits, then? This is Amelia Spens, knowing how to keep the people smiling. Britain shall have biscuits again. Prime Minister, over and out.

Wattleford

AMELIA SPENS: Right, UK, your prime minister here. I very much enjoyed the tributes you’ve sent to me regarding your tea and biscuits. I’ve got an illustration here of Newport Settlement all sitting down to a communal brew that could bring tears to one’s eyes. I can’t help feeling satisfied at the thought of the country enjoying its traditional teatime once more.

One quick thing, though. I’ve heard some rumblings that some people feel dissatisfied with the continued growth of the red fungus on the UK’s western coast. Believe me, UK, I am as concerned as you are. We have a crack team of oceanographers, marine biologists, and mycologists looking into it. But for now, remember, using ROFFLEnet to call me useless will not get the fungus cleared up any more quickly and may result in your settlement losing out on tea rations. Have you understood that, Wattleford? I think you have. Goodbye for now, UK. Spens, over and out.

Golden Letters

AMELIA SPENS: Hello, UK. Prime Minister here. You know, this country hasn’t had a proper bank holiday since the Ministry fell. Admittedly, I’ve got the government ticking over pretty well on committees, so I can pop out whenever I fancy, but I do feel we all deserve a proper day off, don’t you? So I’m declaring today the official national holiday for… for… Oh, to hell with it! I’m just calling it Amelia Day.

Happy Amelia Day, everybody! I’ll expect you back at work first thing tomorrow afternoon. In the meantime, I’ve got a jacuzzi waiting with my name on it, literally, in golden letters. Bye for now! Prime Minister out.

Change

PETER LYNNE: Hello, ci-ti – ! Ugh. No. No, I mean, there’s no way I’m doing that. Sorry Phil, but when you go off field reporting in the prime minister’s palace or whatever excuse Amelia is using to keep Zoe within snogging radius, you have to expect a few changes from the lucky bastard you’ve left behind. Once again, that’s me.

[clears throat] I’m sure you’ve guessed from the sultry baritone, listeners, but there’s a new Radio Abel voice in town. Yes, it’s me, Peter Lynne, one of Abel’s two current people in charge whilst Janine and friends are off on an important mission. I’ll be bringing you the news from Abel and proving to a certain cynical and power mad prime minister that Maxine and I are not, in fact, “running that place into the ground.” Yes, I know. It’s a change, but a little change can be a good thing! If you don’t believe me, believe this song.

Eat Mushrooms

PETER LYNNE: So you might be asking, what is the all-new Radio Peter going to sound like? Well first, I’d like to answer a few of the questions that you’ve all been asking me in the mess hall, in the streets, and even once, to my complete surprise, in the loo. For the record, if you have any pressing inquiries, please send them in via ROFFLEnet instead. There’s much less embarrassment that way. For you.

First, where on God’s green earth is Janine? Well, the answer is I’m not completely sure, and even if I were, that’s classified information. Is she okay? Of course she is. Nothing can stop that woman. I wouldn’t believe otherwise and neither should you. Uh, but also, it’s classified.

As are actually, uh, most of the questions you’ve been asking, uh, about V-type movements, and what in the blazes Prime Minister Amelia is up to with her fleet of commandeered fishing boats, and will eating mushrooms turn you into a V-type? Oh, uh, wait. No. Actually, the answer that last one is a definite no. Mushrooms are a healthy part of a post-apocalyptic diet. Uh, point is, I can’t get back to you on most of the big questions, but I will answer the small ones, so send them along.

Emergency Manual

PETER LYNNE: So when I said you all could send me questions, I probably should have been a bit more specific about what I wanted. Oh, I’m glad you’re enjoying yourselves, but I do not know how many roads a man must walk before you call him a man, how much wood a woodchuck chucks, or indeed how to solve a problem like Maria. I know it’s frustrating to feel left in the dark. Listen, I’m flying a bit blind here, too. But there are non-classified things I can tell you about.

Oh, like - like Taco Tuesday! I’m happy to report that we should be able to bring that back soon. Although you-you really don’t want to know what the secret ingredient is. Trust me on that one. Heavy is the head that wears the crown indeed. And actually, may I say, you would not believe how much work it takes to put those tacos together. There’s all the-the trade negotiations for the… Well, let’s call it “beef.” Then there’s supply chain issues, refrigeration management, about 20 other things before it ever reaches the plate. I mean, no wonder Janine’s emergency manual is thick enough to beat someone to death with. [sighs] Janine darling, wherever you are, this one’s for you.

Big Picture Man

PETER LYNNE: So some of you have been asking about the Janine emergency manual I mentioned. [laughs] Well, what can I say? It’s a very good manual. Extremely heavy, very good type setting, all things considered. Oh, and-and obviously great content, which I’ve definitely read. You know, maybe not-not thoroughly, uh, but did I mention how many pages there are? You know, even some of the footnotes have footnotes. Which makes them feetnotes, I suppose, or toenail-toenail notes?

So am I doing things by the book? I mean yes, absolutely. If when you say by the book, you mean in close proximity to it, which I am, and using as a reference when needed, more or less, when I can. Really, I like to think of myself as a big picture man, you know? Get the essence of the manual, the feel of it, the je ne sais quoi. I think that’s all that anyone can realistically expect of me.

Unstructured Approach

PETER LYNNE: A warm welcome to the new arrivals at Abel. We hope to make you feel at home as much as we can. We also ask for your patience as we sort out permanent bunks and move you out of the temporary housing area, which I understand some of you are now calling The Pit. Very catchy.

You know, the thing is, the one area where I do keep to the Janine manual is new admissions. Just seems safest to do what she said. [clears throat] The first stage is triage, where Maxine and her team double check for zombie bites and distribute the cure as needed, and where we inquire about any special housing needs you might have. No, that doesn’t include a killer view of the front gates or closest to the bunker in case it all goes sideways.

Once triage is completed, we use a… what does it say here? “Distributed resource approach, and that is to determine the relative positioning and status of various individuals and their family groups. And our first priority is to build a security profile based on…” You know what? We’re going to put this manual away for a bit and just go for a bit more of an unstructured approach. That’ll all work out fine.

Peak Efficiency

PETER LYNNE: Well, I’ve had some time to think about it and I stand by my decision. I’m putting the manual away. Though not so far that I can’t get to it if I need to. I’m not a madman. Janine, if you’re hearing this, I-I know what you’d say, and I’m sorry, but I need to put my own stamp on things, rise to the challenge, carve out a new destiny across the stars! Okay, that last one might have been a movie tagline, but you get my drift. And if that makes you cross, well, I suggest you come back here and tell me off properly.

No, really, I do. Come back soon. In the meantime, I’m going to create my own leadership style. I will be consulting a few business books that our fearless librarian has been able to scrounge up. You know, actually, it’s fascinating the things people choose to carry with them as they’re running from a horde of zombies, but I suppose we all have our priorities. No, I am confident that one of these tomes will be brilliant and Abel will be humming along at peak efficiency in no time. Here’s to the future.

Complete Rubbish

PETER LYNNE: So today we’ll be looking at the first of our leadership books, guaranteed to turn anyone into a strong decisive leader, if you believe the jacket copy. It’s called MANifesto - and that’s with a capital M-A-N, naturally - The Gentleman’s Guide to Evolutionary Leadership. Uh… I have a bad feeling about this one, but you never know. As they say, don’t judge a book by the cave painting of men in suits on the cover.

Here we go. “In the beginning, there was only man, and man knew how to lead.” I-I assume they mean that in a broad sense, unless man was reproducing by dividing in half at the time. [clears throat] Sorry. “Ogg led Zogg to the watering hole. Zogg led Ogg to the best hunting grounds.” I mean, obviously neither Ogg nor Zogg led each other to a decent baby naming book. I mean, it could have been Agg or Tiberius or Caveman Five or something. [clears throat] Sorry. “Today though, our inner Ogg and Zogg are held back from our ability to lead, caged by a world that no longer values our natural male - “

Okay, I’m just going to stop right there. I get the drift, and it’s complete rubbish. [sighs] I think Ogg and Zogg should probably lead each other right into the den of a saber-toothed tiger. Happy ending for everyone, if you ask me. Okay, on to the next book, but first… Oh, perfect. This is a song that makes me think of cave people.

Palate Cleanser

PETER LYNNE: Leadership manual numero 2 can’t possibly be worse than the last one, and to be fair, the title has some promise. The 50% Solution - All the Work, Half the Time. I do like the sound of this. Okay, so let’s uh, flip through here a bit and uh… Ah, well yes, this looks perfect. “The 50% solution to a crisis. [clears throat] When trouble strikes, remember, maximize the work you get out of the people you have and minimize the number of people you have at work. Terminating a few people, when done well, can save you money whilst increasing productivity. Nothing motivates like fear.” Well, isn’t that just lovely? It’s heartwarming really, isn’t it? “Don’t be afraid to use personal knowledge to your advantage. Did John just buy a new house? Is Maureen taking care of an aging parent? They don’t have time to look for new jobs, so work them to the bone.”

All right, okay, so this sounds like it was written by some kind of psychopath the likes of which brought on the zombie apocalypse. Wouldn’t be surprised to find a foreword by Sigrid. They’d probably suggest I threw a few people to the zoms just to make everyone else pick up the pace. Absolutely not. Back in the pile with you. Ugh. Need a pallet cleanser after that one. How about a nice musical pick-me-up?

All Me

PETER LYNNE: So I think I’ve finally found a leadership book that is not by a psychopath, a misogynist, or a dog. No offense, but I have a firm policy never to take advice from canines. And it is fittingly called The Last Leadership Book You’ll Ever Need. Let’s hope so. Here we go. “To be a good leader, there’s only one thing you need to know.” Well, this is very promising. “And that’s the way to the nearest exit. That’s right, you need to step down. Depose yourself, resign, leave the premises. The people you claim to be leading, they’ll do just fine on their own.”

Well, that took a bit of a turn. I hope it wasn’t written by one of you, listeners, because you are out of luck. Janine asked me to keep this seat warm for her, not burn this building down and dance around the flames, arms akimbo, chanting wildly. You know, it just doesn’t seem like any of these books are worth the paper they’re printed on. At least Sage’s teachings made sense, you know, if you weren’t a mad killer or an anarchist. What he used to say was that everyone has a place, and you have to find your way to succeed, nobody else’s. You know, maybe that’s what I need now, actually. Something that’s all me. You know, like this next song, one of my all-time favorites.

Who Believed

PETER LYNNE: So I know there are people out there who think Colonel Sage was a horrid person, and-and I’m certainly not going to quarrel about it on the air, but the things he believed in worked for a lot of people. And I know that some of them, some of you might be listening, so this is for you.

I know it’s a bit of a scary time right now, not knowing what to do or who to trust or what happens next. There was something nice about the way Sage just sort of put everything in its proper place. It felt like you didn’t have to do all the work yourself, and now you do. I actually always think that maybe it was always me, always you doing the work, it was just that Sage helped us figure out what the work was and why we should be doing it. We can use that now. You build on it.

I mean, look at me, heading things up at the Abel Township, trying to - trying to fill one tenth of the shoes of Janine and everyone else. Is it scary? Well, yes, it’s absolutely petrifying. Why else do you think I’m looking for answers in just really, frankly the world’s worst management books? But I’m figuring it out. If I can do it, so can you. Sage believed in all of us, you know, and whatever you think of him, that part was spot-on. So this song goes out to all the people like me who believed. We are going to be okay.

Peterarchy

PETER LYNNE: If I’m going to come up with my own management style, I need a catchy name for it. Those books might have been rubbish, but they all sounded decent at the top. Mm… Peter’s Principles? No, I think that already exists somewhere. Laws of the Peter-archy. Welcome to Pete-topia. [knock on door] Oh, thank God.

[door opens]

MAXINE MYERS: Peter, hi! Sorry to interrupt, but uh, you wanted me to stop by? I know I was supposed to come earlier, but between Sara and dealing with the new arrivals, I’ve barely had time to listen to the show.

PETER LYNNE: Oh no, it’s okay. You’re here now, and I’ve been fine in the meantime.

MAXINE MYERS: Good. Um, is there a reason you wanted me on the air? Updated medical advice, or something like that? Because uh, running the township is a pretty full-time job for me.

PETER LYNNE: Yes! I-I want to get some feedback on a few ideas I’ve been kicking around. For instance, how does the word Peter-archy sound to you?

MAXINE MYERS: Honestly? Yeah, like something you’ve just made up and should never, ever, ever say again.

PETER LYNNE: Well, I tried.

Power Mad

PETER LYNNE: So how are things going for you in the new old Abel Maxine?

MAXINE MYERS: I have my hands full, but I can’t complain. And actually, looks like I got a few spare minutes now, so uh, I might as well bite. [laughs] What is the, um, Peter-ocracy?

PETER LYNNE: Oh! Oh, Peter-ocracy. I hadn’t thought of that. Catchy. I like it.

MAXINE MYERS: But what is it, exactly? Wait, are you planning to overthrow Amelia and declare yourself Lord of Albion? [laughs]

PETER LYNE: [laughs] Uh, I would be great at that.

MAXINE MYERS: You’ve always been power-hungry. [laughs]

PETER LYNNE: Power mad. Can’t stop taking on responsibility. It’s like a disease with me, asking for more work and more heavy loads to be piled on my shoulders… [sighs] I miss Janine.

MAXINE MYERS: Oh, me too.

Stir Fry Off

MAXINE MYERS: You still haven’t explained this, uh, Peterism to me.

PETER LYNNE: Oh, Peterism! Oh yes, that’s the best one yet. You-you are very good at this. If I was going to overthrow the government – which, of course, I’m not - I would make you my chief propaganda officer.

MAXINE MYERS: Thanks.

PETER LYNNE: Oh, and uh, to answer your question, Peterism - as I am now definitely calling it - is my leadership philosophy for running Abel whilst Janine’s away.

MAXINE MYERS: And that means…?

PETER LYNNE: Oh. Uh, right. Yes, I should make that bit up, too. So if it’s about me, then it’s fun!. You know, injecting a little bit of levity into these gloomy times, new activities that get the whole of Abel involved.

MAXINE MYERS: That sounds like a good idea.

PETER LYNNE: Oh, uh… Oh, really? Okay. Um, well then, how about a… cooking competition? Our very own Bake Off, except instead of baking, it will be… stir fry. And you can help me judge it!

MAXINE MYERS: [laughs] I am not sure I -

PETER LYNNE: Next song!

Talent Competition

MAXINE MYERS: Look, I am not exactly a gourmet.

PETER LYYNE: Nor are our residents.

MAXINE MYERS: You’re not selling this to me.

PETER LYNNE: Think of it as a way to see people when you’re not coming at them with a magnifying glass or a vial full of cure. But uh, okay, if cooking isn’t your cup of tea, I have another idea. The first ever Abel talent competition!

MAXINE MYERS: I’m pretty sure it’s not the first.

PETER LYNNE: Well, it’s the first I’ve done, anyway.

MAXINE MYERS: You’re serious?

PETER LYNNE: Absolutely! I’ll tell you and the listeners more as soon as we get back from this song.

Squirmy Toddler

PETER LYNNE: Are you ready for a once-in-a-lifetime experience? Introducing the Abel Talent Spectacular! It will be a spectacle for the ages. Singing, dancing, coordinated mime! Listeners, if you have a talent, we want to see it. Maxine, any hidden skills you want to show off? I’ve heard you were quite the rebel in your day. Maybe you picked up a few unexpected skills? Fire juggling, sword swallowing, an on-key rendition of Bohemian Rhapsody?

MAXINE MYERS: Yeah, I think this is my cue to say thanks, but no thanks, and uh, head back to work and uh, corralling the world’s most squirmy toddler.

PETER LYNNE: Oh, well, that could be a talent! No? Yes, she’s gone. Hmm. Well, uh, next song, I think. One that makes me think of squirmy toddlers.

Stabbity Stab Stab

PETER LYNNE: I’ve been very impressed with both the talents and the recipes that you’re all sending in on ROFFLEnet, but they raise a good question. What is my talent? I mean, we all know my talent with the whole can’t be killed thing, but how do we translate that to the public? And then I had a brilliant idea. I could demonstrate my talent by letting you all, well… stab me! Not all at once, but a chosen few, one at a time.

And what better way to get out any frustrations you might be having with my leadership style than with a knife to the chest? [laughs] Better than a knife in the back, I always say. Will it hurt? Oh yes, quite a bit, but am I willing to do it for you? Of course. That’s what Peterism is all about. Apparently. So sharpen your blades - uh, really, please do. It-it’s much worse when they’re dull, trust - and get ready to go… How would Sam put it? Uh, stabbity stab stab in my direction.

Frustration

PETER LYNNE: And of course, I-I was never able to learn the French horn myself. It just isn’t easy to fit in a backpack. [knock on door] Oh uh, hello?

[door opens]

MAXINE MYERS: Peter, it’s Maxine.

PETER LYNNE: Ah! Well, hello! You couldn’t stay away, right? Back to share your talents with the listeners? Bear with me. I always had a sense that you’d be very good at yodeling. No?

MAXINE MYERS: It’s not that. It’s, um… Are you really planning to have people stab you? Have you completely lost your mind?

PETER LYNNE: Well, it’s not like I can’t take it, you know that.

MAXINE MYERS: Number one, I, joint leader of Abel with you, am a doctor, which means I believe in doing no harm. Number two, do you really want to start suggesting that people use stabbing as a way to handle their problems? What if you’re not available when they start walking around with knives, looking to take out their frustration on whoever crosses their path?

PETER LYNNE: You, uh… yes, might have a point.

Method in the Madness

MAXINE MYERS: I’m not trying to rain on your parade, Peter, and this whole focus on fun is great, but you’re here to help get things done. Look, it’s great to take over the radio show, but I do need your help. While you’re planning cooking competitions and talent shows, what’s happening to the day-to-day running of Abel? Weren’t you supposed to be doing inventory?

PETER LYNNE: [laughs] Oh yes. You see, that’s the thing. I realized midway through that I could do both things at the same time. To run the cooking competition well, we had to inventory our food supplies, and look into a few new potential partners, and not to mention refreshing some of the farming and gardening plots. And to run a talent contest, we need to take detailed accounts of everyone’s skills and experience. Can you believe we’ve never done that before?

MAXINE MYERS: Is there method in your madness?

PETER LYNNE: Well, have you noticed intakes running more smoothly now?

MAXINE MYERS: Well, it does seem like people are getting processed faster.

PETER LYNNE: Yes. So did you know Angela Amina and Ray Kwan both used to work in logistics? I mean, you didn’t, did you? Sure, it’s not a talent contest talent, but it is a useful skill. You know, people aren’t even calling it The Pit anymore.

Considerable Talent

MAXINE MYERS: This whole “talent contest turns into HR department” thing seems a bit more luck than judgment to me.

PETER LYNNE: Well, a bit more like luck than judgement is my secret talent. So are you sure you aren’t holding out on me, Maxine? I-I don’t know what your hidden talent is, but I suspect you could blow our socks off.

MAXINE MYERS: That’s just a hypothesis. You have no evidence.

PETER LYNNE: Oh, so there is evidence? Well now, you’re just tormenting me for fun.

MAXINE MYERS: Not at all, but there are a few things I think are better off not going on the public airwaves. If you really want to know though…

PETER LYNNE: Oh, I very much do. [MAXINE whispers in PETER’s ear] Oh. Oh, wait, really? Wait, with the… Oh. I mean, yes. No, I-I wouldn’t have guessed that. But-but then how would you… Oh my. Oh, well, that’s a use for a stethoscope and a beaker I could not have anticipated.

[clears throat] I can understand why the doctor won’t be sharing her considerable talents with us this time around, but let me tell you all, it would have been spectacular. I won’t give it away, but I think I have a song that hints at the kind of thing we might all have experienced. [laughs] Oh yes, there it is. Enjoy!

Until Next Time

PETER LYNNE: So this will come as no surprise to those of you who are able to join us, but the cooking competition/talent extravaganza was a cracking success! And I did not have to be stabbed even once. We saw stir fries that used items from corners of our food stores that we’d forgotten about - and might be added to the menu going forward - including our winner Mindy’s Mutton Chop Chop Chops. Congratulations, Mindy!

Oh, and on the talent side of things, we had singing, we had dancing, we had bone juggling - which I’m not quite sure I wanted to know was an actual talent - and we had a number of comedy routines that answered the question “Can Z-Day stories be funny?” with a resounding yes! You are all winners here, and I believe there was a good time had by all.

And I really must thank everyone for getting the ex-Pit cleaned up afterwards to minimize the disruption to normal schedules. Also - because while I said it at the event, not all of you were there - I want to thank you all, especially Maxine, for your patience over this last little while. As Amelia had to uh, reluctantly admit, I might not be a complete screw-up after all. [laughs] I will take it. And maybe next time, we can talk Maxine into doing her… Oh, I cannot wait. [sighs] Until next time.

Zombie Blues

MAXINE MYERS: Hello, Radio New Hope. I am Dr. Maxine Myers.

PETER LYNNE: And I’m not.

MAXINE MYERS: And this is Peter Lynne, and we are here today filling in for Zoe and Phil who are busy rehoming a pack of wild stoats that was recently delivered to New Canton.

PETER LYNNE: Yes. Apparently, there was a bit of a miscommunication around the prime minister trying to get hold of the country’s last remaining fur coats. She only wanted existing ones, people, for bartering purposes.

MAXINE MYERS: That’s right. Even if she wasn’t away on state business, Amelia wouldn’t have gone all Cruella de Vil on those animals, would she?

PETER LYNNE: I mean, probably not, considering the next day’s ROFFLEnet headlines would be something like Zoe Crick Assassinates Prime Minister, Assures Us All She Had It Coming.

MAXINE MYERS: And when it comes down to it, Amelia’s big on practicality, and we’re doing okay for warm clothes right now. Although she is off somewhere chilly. Actually, you know what? This is probably one of many, many things about the prime minister that doesn’t bear thinking about.

PETER LYNNE: But don’t worry, listeners, because we’ll be here all day to occupy your thoughts instead. Lucky you.

MAXINE MYERS: We’ve actually been looking for an excuse to make some important announcements about the state of Abel Township.

PETER LYNNE: Now that we’re more or less running the place whilst Colonel De Luca is, um, away on a classified assignment.

MAXINE MYERS: So stay tuned for that, listeners. But first things first, you’re all here for the music, so here’s a classic tune to chase those zombie blues away.

Crackpots of the Apocalypse

MAXINE MYERS: And we’re back, listeners.

PETER LYNNE: For those of you tuning in for the scheduled broadcast, Phil Cheeseman’s history of progressive rock, I’m afraid that’s been canceled due to Phil and Zoe being otherwise engaged.

MAXINE MYERS: And I am sure they had a good reason for canceling, and if they didn’t, Zoe would have found one.

PETER LYNNE: But fear not, listeners, for Maxine and I are here to keep things ticking over.

MAXINE MYERS: Firstly, we are happy to announce that Abel and New Canton have just agreed on a reforestation plan, which means foragers sent out to chop wood in the local area will be planting saplings as they go. After all, you never know when you’ll need to scramble up a tree to escape some zoms.

[paper rustles]

PETER LYNNE: We’ve, uh, also had a few questions about Abel come into the studio via ROFFLEnet, which Steve’s kindly printed off for us. Firstly, uh… No, actually uh, never mind that one. [paper rustles] Um…

MAXINE MYERS: Wait, Peter, you just can’t throw questions away. Let me see that.

[paper rustles]

PETER LYNNE: Yeah well, well… Ah, give - ! Damn it.

MAXINE MYERS: “Dear Mr. Lynne, yes, we can acquire the requested quantity of swords, and a replica Roman ballista should indeed be possible. Please advise.” From Paul at the Abel Dramatist Society. Peter?

PETER LYNNE: [laughs] I mean, obviously, I’ve got no idea what that’s about. That’s a total mystery! Those crackpots of the apocalypse, eh, listeners? Anyway, let’s keep the subject fresh with another track from today’s playlist. And oh! Oh look, I seem to have accidentally turned up the volume in here so I can’t possibly answer any questions during the interlude, oops!

Housekeeping

MAXINE MYERS: All right. Peter, tell me what you’re up to or I will play that last song again and neither of us wants that.

PETER LYNNE: Ah… Well, you see, it’s um…

MAXINE MYERS: It’s about the surprise, isn’t it?

PETER LYNNE: Well, how did, how did you…?

MAXINE MYERS: Steve overheard you plotting something in Abel, a welcome home surprise for Janine for when she gets back from her mission. He didn’t mention swords being involved.

PETER LYNNE: I mean, they’re not real swords. Just-just wood and tin foil. Janine loves analyzing historical battles. She-she says watching the tactics can be captivating, like um… like hearing a piece of music unfold. So I asked the Abel Drama Society how much work it would take to put on a little reenactment of the Battle of the Sabis. I thought I’d take Janine for a picnic, find a nice hill to watch from, and…

MAXINE MYERS: Peter…

PETER LYNNE: Obviously turned out to be a staggeringly impractical amount of work, but Paul at the drama society is rather keen on the idea. He keeps trying to talk me back around.

MAXINE MYERS: Peter, that is not what I…

PETER LYNNE: I’m trying to think of something else! Really. Just a little stumped for what.

MAXINE MYERS: Peter, this mission. You know, Janine… You-you know… She might not come back.

PETER LYNNE: Not on the air, Maxine.

MAXINE MYERS: Right. All right. I know. Um, yeah, just-just a bit of housekeeping there, listeners. Uh, we’ll be right back to our planned broadcast after the next song.

Back On Topic

PETER LYNNE: I just need to do something for Janine. Obviously, we’ve been up to our eyeballs managing Abel, but uh…

MAXINE MYERS: But they’re a long way away and it feels awful that we can’t help. I know.

PETER LYNNE: It was only supposed to be a little welcome home surprise. A quiet dinner, some wine I bartered from Runner Forty-Four, and then I started overthinking ways to make it special. I know you think the battle reenactment sounds excessive, but at one point I was considering using some of Sigrid’s old thermal technology to recreate the explosion of Mount Vesuvius. So really, the battle thing’s very restrained.

MAXINE MYERS: You know the last thing she’d want is any kind of fuss, Peter.

PETER LYNNE: I-I know. I know.

MAXINE MYERS: And you know, if she um… Oh hey, I think the green light means we’re back on air.

PETER LYNNE: Ah yes, I think it probably does! Welcome back, everyone! We’ll be right back on topic after this next song with more announcements from Abel, but first, here’s a tune that Janine’s inexplicably fond of.

Ethics of Training

MAXINE MYERS: Fun fact about that last golden oldie, listeners. It’s actually one of six songs on a list here in the studio entitled, “Songs Zoe promises not to play as long as Sam lets her pet his chinchilla.”

PETER LYNNE: And we swear it’s not a euphemism, folks. Abel really has a chinchilla, which incidentally has decided that my fingertips are tasty treats.

MAXINE MYERS: And that brings us to our next Abel announcement. We understand the teenagers from New Canton who snuck into Abel trying to steal the chinchilla were acting against parental advice, but we’re running low on antiseptics. So if it happens again, we’ll be treating your bite wounds with nice stingy iodine.

PETER LYNNE: Although incidentally, if there’s anyone out there with an antique wooden Calvert pattern chess set, we may be interested in trading the chinchilla.

MAXINE MYERS: No, Peter!

PETER LYNNE: It’s just, Janine says the craftsmanship is excellent.

MAXINE MYERS: No, Peter!

PETER LYNNE: You wouldn’t be saying that if it took your little finger.

MAXINE MYERS: We’ll be right back, listeners, after Mr. Lynne has a long hard think about the ethics of trading other people’s pets. And while he’s doing that, here’s a little music to keep the rest of us entertained.

Come Home

MAXINE MYERS: Welcome back, listeners. Fun fact about that last song, I picked it out specifically. I listen to it over and over, even though I don’t like it, because it reminds me of my wife who loves it, and she and I have spent a long time away from each other. I imagine all the songs we’ll dance to when we see each other again. I plan out dates for us in my head, picture every detail. It’s easy to fixate on the parts of the reunion I can control.

PETER LYNNE: Maxine…

MAXINE MYERS: There’s a lot of people out there right now worried for someone that they care about, a lot of people waiting to see if a loved one makes it home from a scavenging run. It can help to remember that we’re all in it together.

PETER LYNNE: What are you planning for Paula when she gets back?

MAXINE MYERS: A solid week of play dates with her, Sam, and Sara. A lifetime of nights dancing to all the songs we both enjoy.

PETER LYNNE: If, um, if you want a bottle of wine to share when she gets back, um… to be absolutely honest, uh, Janine tends more towards fine Scotch, so…

MAXINE MYERS: Well, I appreciate it, Peter, but I’ve had one for weeks.

PETER LYNNE: Well, speaking of dancing, here’s something to shift the mood a little, folks. And afterwards, Maxine and I will be right back with all the latest news from Abel. This is Radio New Hope, and if there’s anyone listening who’s waiting for a loved one to come home, this song goes out to you.

Ribbon Cutting

MAXINE MYERS: Welcome back, listeners. This is Radio New Hope with Peter Lynne and Maxine Myers, bringing you all the latest news on the state of Abel Township.

PETER LYNNE: Next up, we are happy to announce that during his recent state visits to Abel and New Canton, King Jamie officially opened brand new housing barracks in both locations, significantly expanding the local accommodation available to refugees displaced by V-type activity.

MAXINE MYERS: V-type numbers may be down these days, but communities across the country are still recovering from the latest onslaught.

PETER LYNNE: Currently, the king is on his way to Seaside Base, which is uh, Colonel Sage’s former enclave. And there, he’ll be paying a goodwill visit to the local residents. Do you think Jamie gets tired of all the pomp and ceremony, slogging up and down the country cutting all those ribbons?

MAXINE MYERS: Well, a zombie attacked him during his school opening in Tinton last month and he used his giant ceremonial ribbon-cutting scissors to chop its head clean off, so he’s finding some excitement. We’ll be right back, listeners, to answer a few more Abel-related questions that have come into the studio. But before that, sing along if you’ve heard this one before.

Trying to Protect

MAXINE MYERS: Hello again, listeners. This is Maxine Myers and Peter Lynne presenting Radio New Hope and we’ve had another Abel-related question via ROFFLEnet. This one is from a user named… Oh. Sage_Was_Right_64.

PETER LYNNE: Ah. Um, probably best if I don’t weigh in on this one.

MAXINE MYERS: The question says, “Dear Peter and Maxine, do you think we’re all stupid? Colonel De Luca has mysteriously vanished along with a squad of high-profile Abel citizens including Runner Five, and at the same time, we never know where the red fungus is going to pop up next. Obviously, they’re off looking for a weapon to fight it with, probably in America or somewhere glamorous like that. Why can’t you just tell us?”

Well, Sage_Was_Right_64, firstly let me say that the red fungus activity is an ongoing emergency, so all questions about it should be referred to the office of the prime minister.

PETER LYNNE: Who is currently unavailable for unrelated reasons.

MAXINE MYERS: Ah, yes, who is currently… You know what? I think we should probably skip this question, shouldn’t we?

PETER LYNNE: Yeah, probably a good idea.

MAXINE MYERS: All right, everyone. Um, all we can tell you is wherever Colonel De Luca is, she’s probably there because she’s trying to protect as many people as she can, and the same goes for the people with her. We’ll be back really soon, listeners.

More Messages

PETER LYNNE: Welcome back, folks, to Radio New Hope with Peter and Maxine.

MAXINE MYERS: We’re still getting messages via ROFFLEnet. We promise we’ll try to get through as many as we can before we need to get back to running Abel.

PETER LYNNE: This one is from a user named Outrun_Funly who says, [clears throat] “You guys have been talking a lot about a surprise gift for Colonel De Luca. I always used to rely on vouchers when I was stumped for a present. Have you considered petitioning the prime minister to reintroduce gift cards into the economy?”

MAXINE MYERS: I’ll be honest, Outrun_Funly, uh, this really isn’t the direction we were expecting today’s questions to go in.

PETER LYNNE: Also, I think that would probably be pointless, since our prime minister already thinks of other people as her own personal stash of walking gift vouchers?

MAXINE MYERS: She definitely sees us all as redeemable offers.

PETER LYNNE: But thanks for the suggestion, Outrun_Funly. I appreciate the help. And we’ll be right back, listeners, with more messages from you right after this.

Gift Ideas

PETER LYNNE: We’ve got another ROFFLEnet message here from a user named Four_Blind_Mice. It says, “SOCKS.”

MAXINE MYERS: Is-is that it?

PETER LYNNE: It says it in capital letters, yes.

MAXINE MYERS: Is this another gift suggestion for Janine?

PETER LYNNE: We can only hope so.

MAXINE MYERS: Okay, listeners. Uh, we’re not really looking for gift ideas here, though we appreciate the input. Soon we’ll be sharing the last of our Abel announcements and a few more listener messages, but first, here’s the next crowd pleaser on today’s playlist.

Dramatic Exits

MAXINE MYERS: Welcome back to Radio New Hope, listeners, where Peter and I have one last announcement from Abel Township, and it’s good news. The New Canton toilet roll bandit was recently caught trying to sell her stolen wares in an Abel market.

PETER LYNNE: After a brief chase, the brigand was apprehended and delivered to New Canton along with her stash of stolen supplies.

MAXINE MYERS: We’ve also got another listener question from ROFFLEnet user Tired_Clerk, who says, “I am a New Canton clerk on an assignment in Abel. I have to ask - who designed Abel’s system for filing runner reports? There are whole cabinets crammed full of them and loads are stained with marmite.” Ah. So Tired_Clerk, that would be Mr. Yao, and we are working to refine the system.

PETER LYNNE: Reports… You know, actually, that’s not a bad idea.

[chair legs scrape across floor]

MAXINE MYERS: Peter? Wait, where are you going?

PETER LYNNE: I just had a bit of a light bulb moment. I’ve got to strike while the inspiration’s hot, make a quick private radio call. Never fear, listeners, I’ll be back in a jiffy!

[door opens]

MAXINE MYERS: Right, okay. Well, um, Peter’s just stepped out for a minute, hopefully to do something that’s not completely hair-brained. But while we’re waiting for confirmation on that, here’s another song. This one does always make me think of dramatic exits.

Psychological Scarring

MAXINE MYERS: Welcome back to Radio New Hope, folks. My cohost still hasn’t returned to the studio, but I’ve checked and he’s just making a private radio call. She’s promised to shout if he starts talking historical reenactments. [paper rustles] In the meantime, we are through with today’s official Abel announcements, but there is still time to answer a few more ROFFLEnet questions, like this one from Nine_Lives_Catfish, who asks, “Is it true that Abel runners recently saved the new chancellor of the exchequer?”

I think we’re allowed to tell you this. Yes, it is, Nine_Lives. Chancellor Bernard Prior was on a whistle-stop tour of the region last week when he was attacked by zoms. Luckily, Runners Seventy-Three and Seventy-Four went in the area and they McShelled the zoms away with nary a scratch to Mr. Prior. Although he did have to listen to Runner Seventy-Three’s litany of death and taxes jokes, which may have caused some psychological scarring. Just another day at work for our runners, folks. I’ll be right back to answer more of your questions after this.

Romantic Frame

MAXINE MYERS: All right, listeners, this is Dr. Maxine Myers. [door opens] Aha, joined by my co-host Peter Lynne, who has just this second returned to the studio.

PETER LYNNE: Sorry! Sorry, sorry. I just had one of those seize the day moments, as Colonel, uh, as uh, someone might have said.

MAXINE MYERS: Well, we’ll uh, get back to that vague and unhelpful explanation in a minute. But first, I was just about to read another ROFFLEnet question, and this one’s specifically about you, Peter. Runner Ninety-Nine asks, “Has Peter disembowelled himself recently? There’s a bundle of intestines on the barbed wire fence near Abel that look just like his. Does he want them back?” Peter?

PETER LYNNE: Um, no. No no no. Uh, all of my internal organs are currently intact. For once. Although maybe I should worry about being disemboweled often enough for people to recognize my entrails.

MAXINE MYERS: I mean yeah, maybe. And just on a medical note, folks, Peter does regrow his parts, so you runners don’t need to return bits of him you find lying around.

PETER LYNNE: Although I am currently missing my heart and hoping it’ll be returned very soon.

MAXINE MYERS: Peter, if your heart heard you being that soppy on the air…

PETER LYNNE: Yes, but she loves my Byronic side, really. Uh, deep deep deep deep down inside.

MAXINE MYERS: Possibly you’re confusing “love” with “tolerate” there, Peter, but I guess this next song might put some people in a romantic frame of mind.

Just the Same

MAXINE MYERS: Hello again, folks. You’re still listening to Radio New Hope with Peter Lynne and Maxine Myers. So come on, Peter, don’t leave the poor people in suspense. Tell them why you ducked out of the studio.

PETER LYNNE: Uh, well, I um, had to just quickly check with Abel, see if something was possible.

MAXINE MYERS: Something to do with a certain colonel, perhaps?

PETER LYNNE: Yes. I, um, asked Abel to collect all the runner reports that have been logged since Janine went on her mission, to deliver them to her farmhouse. I’ll find a nice bottle of whiskey to put alongside them and they’ll be waiting when she gets back. Janine loves reading reports. Helps her unwind, as much as she ever does unwind.

MAXINE MYERS: That is very sweet, Peter.

PETER LYNNE: Well, it’s just what she’d want. No fuss. I uh, I know she’s on a dangerous mission, but I have to believe that she’ll come back okay, Maxine. I have to.

MAXINE MYERS: I know. I feel just the same. All right, folks. Uh, Peter and I are coming to the end of our time here in the studio, but we’re not quite done, and we’ll be right back with a couple more messages after this next song.

Chocolate Mouse

MAXINE MYERS: Welcome back, listeners. You’re still tuned in to Radio New Hope and we’ve got another ROFFLEnet message from our lovely audience.

PETER LYNNE: This one is from a user named Harpsichord, and it’s more advice on what to do when you’re stuck for gift ideas. Harpsichord says, “If you really can’t think of a gift, a bit of surprise chocolate usually goes down a treat.”

MAXINE MYERS: And on that note, we wanted to remind our listeners that Abel’s runner community is currently soliciting donations of chocolates and other confectionery to give to their operators.

PETER LYNNE: In honor of a certain hard-working Mr. Yao, who we’re sure will be back at his post as soon as humanly possible.

MAXINE MYERS: And as my daughter recently gave up her very first chocolate mouse to the box, I expect everyone listening to donate. All right, folks, Peter and I are expected back at our posts in Abel soon, but before we go, there is one last message we wanted to read out, and we’ll be doing it right after the next song.

Keep on Striving

MAXINE MYERS: Welcome to Radio New Hope, everyone. It’s still Maxine and Peter in the studio, thanking you all for taking the time to listen to the show today.

PETER LYNNE: We’re finished for now, but don’t worry, your next hosts are sure to keep you entertained. Quite possibly a lot more entertained, actually.

MAXINE MYERS: Before we go, we wanted to read out one more message. This one’s a little different from the announcements that came before.

PETER LYNNE: It’s a message from Colonel De Luca, who left instructions that it should be read if she wasn’t back within a certain time frame, and though we’re sure she’s fine, her classified mission has gone on a little longer than anticipated, so we’re just going to read her message on the air in accordance with her instructions.

MAXINE MYERS: All it says is this. “People of Abel Township, people of Great Britain, you have made me proud. You continue to make me proud through every day you strive. I know you will persist, no matter what the future brings.”

PETER LYNNE: So, uh, that’s what we’re doing at Abel. Carrying on no matter what the future brings.

MAXINE MYERS: This is Maxine Myers and Peter Lynne wishing you all safe scavenging on behalf of Abel Township, and we are dedicating this last song to everyone out there who’s made the colonel proud. We promise to keep on striving and we hope you will as well.

Seizing Control

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hello ci-ti-zens! Welcome back to Radio New Hope.

ZOE CRICK: This is a very special edition of our show, listeners.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: That’s right, Zoe! [laughs] It’s our first broadcast since Fort Canton became the seat of the UK government. We’re only a few feet away from the office of the prime minister, Amelia Spens. [sighs] Prime Minister Amelia Spens. [laughs] How did this happen again?

ZOE CRICK: There’s never any one factor that determines who rises to power, Phil.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh, for the benefit of any listeners not up to date with current affairs, uh, can we list the -

ZOE CRICK: An understandable predicament, given the post-apocalyptic demise of the 24-hour news cycle.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: - can we list the factors that led to Amelia’s appointment?

ZOE CRICK: Opportunism…

PHIL CHEESEMAN: … And?

ZOE CRICK: I’m thinking.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I thought you said there was never any one factor.

ZOE CRICK: You know, I think Amelia’s a special case. Most world leaders aspire to the job, for better or worse, but Amelia only ever wants what’s best for Amelia, whether that’s nabbing the last reservation for an exclusive spa treatment -

PHIL CHEESEMAN: - or seizing control of a country.

ZOE CRICK: Exactly.

Optimistic Mood

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [sighs] Listeners, I realize that the phrase “seizing control” had some negative connotations, and I’d just like to explain what I meant when I said that’s what the prime minister did to the UK. There was a power vacuum and no one else was up to the task, so Amelia stepped in.

ZOE CRICK: I’d also like to clarify what I said. Amelia does only want what’s best for Amelia, but right now, that’s what’s best for the country, too.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: We hope.

ZOE CRICK: Amelia wants to live in a UK with hot running water, a plentiful supply of luxury goods, and no V-types. If she’s the best person to make that happen, then her being in power is a good thing for all of us.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: And on that note, here’s a song that always puts me in an optimistic mood.

Nothing to Hide

ZOE CRICK: Radio New Hope is still fully independent and completely unbiased.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I wouldn’t call your veto of progressive art rock unbiased.

ZOE CRICK: Phil, many of our listeners are out scavenging for supplies and running away from zombies. We don’t need to make their lives any harder. My point is that our proximity to the prime minister has no bearing on our editorial stance.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, definitely. The fact that Amelia’s just down the hall and controls the penal system doesn’t affect what we say in the slightest. I hardly ever think about how easy it would be for her to kick me out of Fort Canton and leave me to the V-types.

ZOE CRICK: The only person who’ll do that is me the next time you try to put on some King Crimson when I’m not looking. Amelia said a strong government has nothing to fear from a free press.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Might have been a test.

ZOE CRICK: She knows if we suddenly started spouting propaganda, our listeners would get suspicious. As long as she lets us carry on as normal, she looks confident, like she’s got nothing to hide.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Which she hasn’t. Probably.

Fill the Airwaves

ZOE CRICK: Do you really think that’s necessary, Phil?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: It’s journalistic ethics, Zoe. We’ve got to disclose it.

ZOE CRICK: [sighs] Go on, then.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Listeners, one of Amelia’s first acts as prime minister was to give us a new studio.

ZOE CRICK: It’s hardly new.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: It’s a lot nicer than what we were in before. Less sticky.

ZOE CRICK: To explain, listeners, Amelia is building a scale replica of the House of Commons at Fort Canton. Just like the original, it’s furnished with green leather seats. Although most of the leftover building materials went to settlements more in need of refurbishment than Fort Canton, no one else wanted the green leather, so we’ve got it. All of it. Everything in this room is green.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: It’s… a very relaxing color?

ZOE CRICK: In moderation. [sighs] I feel like I’m broadcasting from the depths of the swamp.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: The important thing is that our new upholstery wasn’t payment.

ZOE CRICK: Are you satisfied?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I think so. We can’t be too careful about this. Transparency’s critical.

ZOE CRICK: Oh, perhaps, but it’s hardly the most exciting way to fill the airwaves. Here’s some music to lighten the mood.

Contact the Leader

PHIL CHEESEMAN: We hope that’s made it clear, listeners. Radio New Hope has no official affiliation with the prime minister, so you can stop filling ROFFLEnet with requests for new laws. We can’t help you with them.

ZOE CRICK: And in many cases, we wouldn’t want to.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah. To whoever wrote to us under the username Undying_Love, no, I don’t think human/zombie marriage is going to be legally recognized anytime soon.

ZOE CRICK: I also think it’s also safe to say that if and when the DVLA is back up and running, zombies probably won’t be eligible for driving licenses.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: To be fair, we have received some reasonable requests, uh, it’s just that we can’t do anything about them. We’re just broadcasters.

ZOE CRICK: That’s right. While it’s wonderful that so many of you are politically engaged, you need to direct your efforts towards the right people. If there’s something you want discussed in parliament, contact the leader of your settlement.

Current Affairs

ZOE CRICK: I’m glad that’s cleared up. I must say, it’s a relief not to be talking about politics for once.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Not that politics isn’t important, listeners, it’s just that Zoe and I haven’t really had a break from it since Amelia became prime minister.

ZOE CRICK: If we’re not bumping into settlement leaders in the canteen, we’re tripping over King Jamie’s retinue when he drops in for his weekly conference with Amelia.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: We can’t even get a cup of tea without getting caught up in an argument about V-type policy.

ZOE CRICK: Oh, it’s exhausting.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: So allow Radio New Hope to be your refuge from current affairs.

ZOE CRICK: Here’s a song with absolutely no political message at all.

Sort of Related

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Since we’re not talking about politics, let’s catch up. Uh, Zoe, what have you been doing recently?

ZOE CRICK: Well, last night I went to see Amelia to -

PHIL CHEESEMAN: No need to go into too much detail.

ZOE CRICK: - borrow a David Attenborough DVD.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh.

ZOE CRICK: She says they keep her children entertained, but I’m not sure they fully appreciate the lion cubs of the Serengeti. Anyway, I never even got to ask her for it because she was too busy arguing with the representative from the Psychoanalysts Enclave. The UK Alliance hasn’t really figured out taxes yet, but Amelia’s interpreting the concept loosely. In exchange for services, she wants control of all the dirt the Enclave acquired prior to the apocalypse.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Purely to keep it confidential?

ZOE CRICK: Of course.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, that’s sort of like… It’s politics, really, isn’t it?

Secretly Wanted

ZOE CRICK: All right then, Phil, what non-political activities have you been engaging in?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I’ve been researching Alan Parsons.

ZOE CRICK: Don’t you know everything about him already?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I’m putting together a biography. It’s important that the history of significant cultural figures isn’t lost. To make sure my information’s correct, I’ve been cross-referencing my sources with the fan community on ROFFLEnet. It’s just that there aren’t that many Alan Parsons fans -

ZOE CRICK: Who’d have thought?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: - because many of them died in the apocalypse.

ZOE CRICK: I’m sorry.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: The point is that because there are only a few people left with expertise in classic progressive rock, everyone else on the message board figured out who I am and that I work near Amelia.

ZOE CRICK: So you can’t even escape politics on the Alan Parsons forum?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Exactly. I’ve been bombarded with questions for her, things she hasn’t addressed in her own broadcasts. I printed them out, actually. [paper rustles] Here, you can take a look.

ZOE CRICK: You know, some of these aren’t bad. I wonder if Amelia would come on the show and answer them.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I always secretly wanted to host Question Time.

Find Out

ZOE CRICK: Listeners, I’m very happy to announce that the prime minister Amelia Spens has agreed to appear on Radio New Hope and answer some of your questions.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I won’t ask how you convinced her.

ZOE CRICK: I didn’t have to. She said it would be good for her image.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Really?

ZOE CRICK: Yes. She says the population sees her as intelligent, refined, and sophisticated, but that those qualities make her hard to relate to. According to her, appearing on Radio New Hope will increase her appeal to people who don’t care about personal grooming and who haven’t read a book since the apocalypse.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Is that what she thinks of our listeners?

ZOE CRICK: To be fair, reading materials and cosmetics are in short supply.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yes, and people’s priorities have changed. Some of us are more concerned with staying alive than getting our well-manicured hands on the last remaining issues of the Times Literary Supplement.

ZOE CRICK: A fair point. Listeners, to find out what our prime minister’s priorities are, send your questions to us over ROFFLEnet.

Serious Music

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Zoe, since this is our first prime ministerial interview, do you think we should have picked a more appropriate song than that?

ZOE CRICK: It’s too late now.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: People of the UK, we’d like to introduce a very special guest to Radio New Hope. Please welcome our prime minister, Amelia Spens.

AMELIA SPENS: Hello, Phil and Zoe. I must say, I’m glad this is a radio broadcast. This studio looks frightful.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [sighs] Now hang on. It’s decorated with offcuts you gave us.

AMELIA SPENS: Oh, is this where they ended up? I thought we were going to burn them.

ZOE CRICK: We’re off to a good start, listeners. Let’s have some serious music before we get into the questions.

Very Intelligent

ZOE CRICK: Our first question is from Concerned of Dorchester. “Prime Minister, when democracy is reinstated, will zombies get the vote?”

AMELIA SPENS: “When democracy is reinstated.” [laughs] Phil and Zoe, I hope these aren’t all going to be comedy questions.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I think just focus on the zombie part for now.

AMELIA SPENS: I think we can all agree that one of the few silver linings of the apocalypse is the way outdated prejudices and social orders have been rejected.

ZOE CRICK: Just to be clear, you’re not ruling out zombies having the vote?

AMELIA SPENS: Not until I know who they’d vote for. V-types are very intelligent in large groups.

Screaming Children

ZOE CRICK: This next question is from Sir Augustus Headley Coombs. “Prime Minister, do your duties as a mother hinder your ability to run the country?”

AMELIA SPENS: Quite honestly, if anything, they help -

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I’m sorry, Prime Minister, you don’t have to answer that. I apologize on behalf of Radio New Hope to you and to all other mothers listening for airing a question that implies that motherhood might compromise a woman’s abilities to do her job.

ZOE CRICK: Quite. We all know that if Amelia’s abilities are compromised, it’s by her refusal to do anything that might damage her manicure.

AMELIA SPENS: Are you still annoyed about that, Zoe?

ZOE CRICK: Now isn’t the time.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: There’s really no need to acknowledge this question, Prime Minister. Let’s move on.

AMELIA SPENS: It’s a reasonable question, and the answer is that dealing with a clutch of screaming children with no control over their emotions is the best training a prime minister could have.

Kitten Pens

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I’ve got a question from, uh… this person’s username is just a string of cat emojis. They say, “Prime Minister, doctors and scientists are increasingly aware of the therapeutic benefits of caring for animals. Simply stroking a cat has been proven to lower blood pressure. Why, even when there’s so much evidence that animals make it easier to cope with mental health difficulties, are kitten pens still not compulsory in all settlements?”

AMELIA SPENS: Zoe, did you write this? I told you, if you ever need a way to relieve stress, just come to my quarters and I’ll -

PHIL CHEESEMAN: So that’s a no on the kitten pens for now, listeners. Here’s a nice loud song to block out the sound of your own imagination.

No Competition

PHIL CHEESEMAN: This question comes from BV, but I’m not sure we should ask it. Zoe, take a look.

[paper rustles]

ZOE CRICK: Hmm, I see what you mean. But if this is a true public forum, nothing should be off limits. Besides, I think the time for editorial qualms would have been before you printed out the entire message board.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Perhaps it wasn’t the best use of our paper allowance.

AMELIA SPENS: Oh, just ask it. I’ve scheduled a hot stone massage after this and if I have to cancel, running out of paper will be the least of your problems.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Um… “Prime Minister, how does it feel to be the most attractive world leader of all time?”

AMELIA SPENS: It’s a meaningless accolade.

ZOE CRICK: Of course. We shouldn’t judge politicians on their appearance.

AMELIA SPENS: No, I mean there’s no competition.

Dom Perignon

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, the next question’s also from BV. Uh, this one’s a bit more sensible, though. It’s about health policy. “Prime Minister, I am the CEO of a corporation with an extensive pharmaceutical arm. I’d be happy to discuss supplies for ministry hospitals. Perhaps over a bottle of Cheval Blanc 1947 Saint-Emilion, and some caviar.”

ZOE CRICK: Wait, pharmaceutical corporation? BV? Is this Valmont? Prime Minister, I don’t think this is a genuine request.

AMELIA SPENS: I’m terribly sorry, BV, but a meeting won’t be possible right now. I have to be very careful about the relationship between business and government. You understand. More importantly, red wine and caviar is a dreadful pairing. Let me know when you’ve got some Dom Perignon and then we’ll talk.

Create a Conflict

AMELIA SPENS: Zoe, I know that was a dreadful song, but could you at least -

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hey!

AMELIA SPENS: - but you could at least stay awake for the duration. The rest of us had to.

ZOE CRICK: I was awake. I just like to close my eyes sometimes, or the green gets too much. Anyway, what’s the next question, Phil?

[paper rustles]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Ah, I don’t think we need to ask that one.

AMELIA SPENS: Nothing is off limits. Please go ahead.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Um, Outraged of Essex asks, “Prime Minister, does your involvement with Zoe Crick create a conflict of interest regarding your appearance on this program?”

AMELIA SPENS: I don’t know, Outraged, do your hobbies create a conflict of interest with your job?

We'll Talk

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I’ve got a question from [clears throat] Nice Try, But If You Think I’m Writing My Name In That Box, You’ve Got Another Thing Coming.

ZOE CRICK: I didn’t know ROFFLEnet usernames could be that long.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: “Prime Minister, is it true that you’re demanding the Psychoanalysts Enclave give you all their information? Would the details go public? Asking for a friend.”

AMELIA SPENS: Firstly, the UK Alliance doesn’t demand anything, it’s a negotiation. As for the information, it sounds like its secrecy is valuable to you. Interesting. Write to my office and we’ll talk.

Constantly Reminded

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Happy and Glorious asks, “Will the king attend the State Opening of Parliament?”

AMELIA SPENS: The State Opening of Parliament took place in the House of Lords, not the House of Commons. Since we haven’t built a House of Lords, it just wouldn’t be right to reenact such a historically significant ceremony. A shame, as I’m sure King Jamie’s speech about self-sacrifice and duty would have been a hoot.

ZOE CRICK: Couldn’t you adapt the ceremony for post-apocalyptic times?

AMELIA SPENS: What do you mean?

ZOE CRICK: Before Z-Day, the State Opening of Parliament consisted of several commemorative rituals. For example, the Palace of Westminster cellars would be searched for explosives in remembrance of the Gunpowder Plot.

AMELIA SPENS: And you’re suggesting we open Parliament with zombie-themed rituals, is that it? [laughs] Amused as I am by the thought of King Jamie being chased through Fort Canton by a horde of V-types, there are several recent events that it would be best the population stop associating with the office of minister.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You mean all that stuff with Sigrid?

AMELIA SPENS: It’s easier for people to forget if they’re not being constantly reminded, Phil.

Feel Powerful

ZOE CRICK: Lance Corporal Kapoor asks, “Is there any truth to the rumor that defense resources are being spent retrieving high heels from the last remaining Christian Louboutin shop in Mayfair?”

AMELIA SPENS: Yes. Politics is all about image, and I need to look stylish yet powerful to intimidate our enemies.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: But aren’t zombies our biggest enemies? Do they notice shoes?

AMELIA SPENS: There’s a lot we don’t know yet about zombies.

ZOE CRICK: On that note, here’s a song that’ll make us all feel powerful.

Time for Some Music

AMELIA SPENS: Are we nearly finished? All this green is giving me a headache.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Almost. The Truth Is Out There asks, “Is the UK Alliance withholding information about UFOs?”

AMELIA SPENS: UFOs?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Unidentified flying -

AMELIA SPENS: I know what they are, Phil. Listener, was the zombie apocalypse not enough? Haven’t you had your fill of government conspiracies? Don’t you think if - actually, no, I’m not going to dignify this stupid question with an answer. That’s it, I’m afraid, Phil and Zoe. It’s time for my massage.

[chair legs scrape across floor]

ZOE CRICK: Wait, there’s one more.

AMELIA SPENS: No.

ZOE CRICK: Where is Janine De Luca?

AMELIA SPENS: Oh, Janine. I’m amazed anyone noticed she was gone. Don’t worry, listeners. Colonel De Luca is on a secret mission and it’s all under control. She and her appallingly drab outfits will be back at Abel in no time. And with that, I’m off.

[door opens]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I think it’s probably time for some music.

Frog's Fever Dream

ZOE CRICK: I think that went… about as well as could be expected.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, considering it was our first prime ministerial interview, we didn’t read the questions before going live, and we’re broadcasting from what looks like the inside of a spinach tin.

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] I thought you liked the decor.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [sighs] Just didn’t want to complain. Fort Canton’s been a stressful place to work since Amelia became prime minister, but I try to remember that we’re all on the same team. Everyone wants to get rid of the V-types and we need to work together, focus on the big things, and not sweat the small stuff.

ZOE CRICK: Hmm. Like how our studio looks like Kermit the Frog’s fever dream?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Exactly.

Musical Artiste

[magazine pages rustle]

ZOE CRICK: Phil? Phil, we’re live.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, sorry. Uh… [clears throat] Hello, ci-ti-zens! Welcome back to Radio New Hope, where your entertainment is our priority.

ZOE CRICK: Except when we’re reading… [magazine rustles] Vogue? Phil, don’t take this the wrong way, but I never thought of you as being particularly interested in fashion.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I never was, Zoe, before the apocalypse. But one of our runners picked this up from a dentist’s waiting room during a meds run and I was curious. So fascinating, really, that there used to be this whole industry dedicated to the way we looked.

ZOE CRICK: The people in these pictures had no idea what was coming.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: If they had, maybe they’d have worn more practical shoes.

ZOE CRICK: Yes. [laughs] Good luck running from a zom in those. They’re quite fun, actually.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, they’re pretty good, but I prefer these.

ZOE CRICK: Wow! [laughs] Those are quite something. You couldn’t wear them to work, though.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Not unless you were this next musical artiste!

Older and Wiser

ZOE CRICK: Welcome back, listeners. Today we’re reading Vogue, which is like gazing through a portal into another dimension.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: A dimension where people thought it was sensible to make dresses out of tin foil and feathers.

ZOE CRICK: Mm, I’m not sure sense had anything to do with it. These clothes are about fantasy. They’re works of art.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, those ones are, but look at this other fashion mag I picked up. [magazine page rustles] This article is called “Summer Must-haves.” It’s telling me I must spend 700 pounds on these trousers. And it’s next to an advert for some magic cream to make me look young. Now remember, before the apocalypse, a lot of people worried about not wearing the right clothes or that it was a bad thing to look their age.

ZOE CRICK: Hmm, that’s a good point. Nowadays, if you see someone older, you know they’ve probably got some wisdom to share. Always handy in the post-apocalypse.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Exactly! Just yesterday, a teenager asked me where the toilets are.

ZOE CRICK: Hmm, impressive! [laughs] Here’s a song by someone even older and wiser than Phil.

Get a Choice

ZOE CRICK: You know, Phil, how we look hasn’t become totally irrelevant since the apocalypse.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well… yeah. Uh, it’s-it’s important to look basically alive so that no one mistakes you for a zombie and tries to knock your head off with a baseball bat.

ZOE CRICK: True, but I was thinking more about the way we express ourselves. For example, isn’t that a Dream Theater T-shirt you’re wearing?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yes. You know, it does cheer me up to wear a T-shirt featuring a band I like, even if they are all dead.

ZOE CRICK: And I’m wearing socks with cats on them. Every now and again, someone will stop me in the corridor and compliment me because they like cats, too. Then we’ll have a conversation about cats and the whole day gets a little brighter.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: They are pretty nice socks.

ZOE CRICK: Thank you, Phil. [giggles] Since we’re on the topic, why don’t you put on a song for our listeners and I tell you about the morning I spent in the kitten pen?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh, do I get a choice?

ZOE CRICK: Nope.

Speaking of Imagination

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I don’t know if it’s just because New Canton’s at the center of the government in the UK -

ZOE CRICK: I’m still getting used to that.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: - but now that I think about it, people do seem to be putting more effort into the way they dress these days.

ZOE CRICK: I’ve noticed that. For a while, I thought it was because people wanted to spruce themselves up for the royal visits, but King Jamie hasn’t been visiting as much since Amelia left for… for whatever it is she’s doing, and people are still looking rather flamboyant.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: One of the cooks makes his own hats out of food wrappers.

ZOE CRICK: Exactly. People are having fun, and they’re less worried about looking cool than they were before the apocalypse.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I think those hats are cool!

ZOE CRICK: That’s the point. Taste is much more subjective now. [laughs] We don’t have TV or newspapers, and it still takes half an hour to send a picture over ROFFLEnet, so it’s harder to follow trends. People are using their imaginations instead.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Speaking of imagination, here’s a track by someone with lots of it.

Bit More Normal

ZOE CRICK: Maybe Z-Day’s made self-expression more important, not less. We can’t control the V-types, and we might be confined to our settlements most of the time, but we can decide how we look, so people go to great lengths to execute their vision. It’s like how women in pre-apocalyptic prisons used to improvise cosmetics out of Smarties and shoe polish.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: How do you know what women used to do in prison?

ZOE CRICK: Oh, I was talking to Maxine about it.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Dr. Maxine has been to prison?!

ZOE CRICK: No, she… [sighs] That’s not the point. I’m saying that for a lot of people, clothes, hair, and makeup are important creative outlets now that we’re restricted in other ways. They also help people feel normal, now that -

PHIL CHEESEMAN: - now that V-types are roaming across the UK.

ZOE CRICK: Exactly.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [sighs] Here’s a song to make us all feel a bit more normal.

Juices Flowing

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Imagine if Vogue was still in print. Do you think they’d employ zombie models?

ZOE CRICK: Yeah, with headlines like, “Gray is the New Black.” [laughs] They might struggle to find advertisers.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Okay, business side might be a bit tricky to sort out. What about the editorial?

ZOE CRICK: They’d have post-apocalyptic fashion tips.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: “The Best Looks to Scavenge this Season.”

ZOE CRICK: “Make Your Own Makeup.”

PHIL CHEESEMAN: “10 Ways to Wear a Sports Bra.”

ZOE CRICK: Not sure about that one, Phil.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Okay, yeah, there’s probably just one way to wear a sports bra.

ZOE CRICK: As far as I know.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: The other ideas were good, though. Well, maybe we should think of other style tips for our listeners.

ZOE CRICK: Why not? [laughs] Here’s a song to get our creative juices flowing.

Sharing Them

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Listeners, Zoe and I tried to come up with fashion tips, but this isn’t our area of expertise.

ZOE CRICK: Speak for yourself.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: All your ideas involve drawing cats on things.

ZOE CRICK: That’s not true. I also suggested embroidering cats on things.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: My point, listeners, is that maybe Zoe and I could use your help. Send us your post-apocalyptic fashion tips.

ZOE CRICK: We’ll be sharing them right after this.

Your New Laces

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Welcome back to Radio New Hope, where we’re sharing tips on how to stay stylish in the zombie apocalypse.

ZOE CRICK: A lot of the suggestions we’ve had so far come from runners who need to be able to move quickly, evade zoms, and stay comfortable on long runs.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You might think, as I did only a few minutes ago, that running is not compatible with expressing yourself through fashion, but you’d be wrong.

ZOE CRICK: Indeed, there are lots of ways to have fun with your running gear that don’t affect speed or safety. Even if you’re out by yourself and no one else can see you, a little bit of flare can lift your mood and make you feel more like yourself.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Running On Sunshine suggests, “Novelty shoe laces are a fun way of adding color to your running outfit. You can often loot them from the children’s section of sports or shoe shops, but they’re also easy to make from a sturdy ribbon. Use a bit of tape or wax for the aglet.”

ZOE CRICK: Just be sure to tuck your new laces into your shoes the next time you visit the kitten pen.

Forgive the Pun

ZOE CRICK: Today on Radio New Hope, we’re taking suggestions on how to jazz up your running gear.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: This next step is one for more creative runners, and it comes from Art Rate.

ZOE CRICK: Art Rate?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, like heart rate, because they’re a runner, but also an artist.

ZOE CRICK: [sighs] I don’t know if we should be reading out people’s usernames. We’re just encouraging bad puns.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: This episode is about self-expression, Zoe, whatever form it takes, even terrible puns.

ZOE CRICK: Hmm. What does Art Rate have to say for themselves?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: “Decorate your running outfit with permanent marker, embroidery, and whatever embellishments you can get your hands on. As long as your number is still clearly visible to your comms operator, there’s no limit to what you can do. Wearing something that truly reflects your personality can give you motivation on the most difficult runs.”

ZOE CRICK: That’s a nice idea. I’ll forgive the pun.

Promise to Play

ZOE CRICK: Progressive Runner writes, “Hi Phil, where did you get a Dream Theater T-shirt? I’m also a fan of prog metal and have been on several runs to find old gig venues to see if there are any T-shirts left. Unfortunately, all I’ve found are hordes of zombified metal heads. I used to love a good mosh pit before the apocalypse, but it’s just not the same when everyone’s trying to bite you.”

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh, first off Progressive Runner, please stop putting your life at risk in pursuit of merch. It’s not worth it, and that’s not what the bands would have wanted.

ZOE CRICK: Especially since they no longer make money from T-shirt sales.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Exactly, which is why I don’t mind letting you know that my T-shirt is a fake. Before the apocalypse, touring musicians relied on the merch stand to support themselves, but now that most of them are dead, it’s no longer unethical to make knock-offs.

ZOE CRICK: Did you make your T-shirt, Phil?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: One of Amelia’s stylists did. She’s very handy with the fabric paints.

ZOE CRICK: Oh? What did you give her in exchange?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I had to promise to play this next song.

While You Do That

ZOE CRICK: What’s our next fashion tip, Phil?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh, it’s more of a PSA. “Hi Phil and Zoe, I run Support Network, a sports bra exchange service. We travel between settlements to provide runners with the best fitting sports bras. Simply visit our message board on ROFFLEnet, tell us which sizes your settlement has and which they need. It might take us a while to get to you, but we have a huge selection of style and color in every size. For some reason, post-apocalyptic Britain has no shortage of sports bras.” That’s a great initiative, don’t you think, Zoe? [keyboard clicks] Zoe?

ZOE CRICK: Sorry. I was just posting a request to their message board. Fellow sports bra wearers of New Canton, I suggest you do the same.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: And while you do that, here’s a song about sharing.

That's... Resourceful

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Our next post-apocalyptic style tip comes from In Stitches, who says, “Here are just a few reasons why knitting is one of the most valuable skills you can learn in the post apocalypse.”

ZOE CRICK: “One, you don’t necessarily need to send runners off in search of equipment. Knitting needles can be whittled from sticks, and if your settlement has sheep, wool is a renewable resource.”

PHIL CHEESEMAN: “Two, the act of knitting has many cognitive, therapeutic, and - if you join a knitting circle - social benefits.”

ZOE CRICK: “Three, designing knitting patterns can be a great creative outlet, and since they can be conveyed using just symbols, they can be quickly shared over ROFFLEnet.”

PHIL CHEESEMAN: “Four, larger needles can double as anti-zom weapons, as long as you aim for the eyes and remember to clean the blood off them before you get back to your knitting. The last thing you want is to make an infectious jumper by mistake.”

ZOE CRICK: That’s, uh, resourceful. We’ll be back with more fashion right after this.

No Plushies

PHIL CHEESEMAN: If knitting’s not your thing, our next correspondent has a great idea for making some stylish winter clothes. “Next time you’re out on a supply run, make a detour to a toy shop and pick up some plushies. A little reverse taxidermy - “

ZOE CRICK: Oh no!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Plushies aren’t real animals, Zoe.

ZOE CRICK: I know, but I couldn’t look one in the eye and take out its stuffing.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh… our less sensitive listeners can use this method to generate bundles of fake fur, a versatile fabric that’ll help you stay warm and, thanks to the pre-apocalyptic trend for cuddly unicorns, colorful.

ZOE CRICK: I think I’ll stick with the knitting.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: If it makes you feel any better, no plushies were harmed in the making of this next song.

Grab a Few Bottles

ZOE CRICK: Polished in the Apocalypse says that a manicure adds a splash of color to your running look without impeding your movement.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I’m surprised we didn’t think of that one ourselves. One of Amelia’s first acts as prime minister was to open a nail bar at New Canton.

ZOE CRICK: She was accused of extravagance at first, but it’s actually become a community hub. People go there to relax and come away feeling a little more, well, polished.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I’ve only just noticed, Zoe, each one of your nails is a different color.

ZOE CRICK: I couldn’t choose. Amelia reserves all the Chanel nail polish for herself, but there are still plenty of other varieties for the rest of us.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, the rest of us in New Canton, maybe. What about everyone else?

ZOE CRICK: Until Amelia makes nail bars mandatory for all settlements, why not grab a few bottles of nail polish the next time you’re on a low stakes meds run to a chemist? Just be sure to apply it in a well-ventilated area.

On Fleek

PHIL CHEESEMAN: A word of caution now from Nine Fingers, who says, “Jewelry adds sparkle to any outfit and can be a great way of expressing your individuality, especially if you make your own. However, think twice before wearing it on a run. Necklaces are easy for zoms to grab, earrings can be torn out, and rings are a risk if you’re using weapons. Trust me.”

ZOE CRICK: Oh dear.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Listeners, if you’re fond of jewelry, maybe keep it for when you’re safe in your settlement.

ZOE CRICK: That’s sound advice. Also - naming no names, Runner Thirty-Seven - don’t scavenge jewelry off dead zombies, no matter how on fleek it is. You’re asking to get infected. And on that note…

Smile on My Face

ZOE CRICK: It’s not just jewelry that you can enjoy when you’re not at risk of zombie attacks.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Loads of our listeners have written in to suggest items you can use if you’d like a more flamboyant settlement look.

ZOE CRICK: Silk flowers.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Craft supplies.

ZOE CRICK: Stickers.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Fridge magnets.

ZOE CRICK: Christmas decorations.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Basically, listeners, as long as you’re not using something that might be better deployed for a more practical purpose, there’s no limit to the fun you can have with your personal style.

ZOE CRICK: Speaking of fun, here’s a song that always puts a smile on my face.

A Date

ZOE CRICK: Our last suggestion comes from Fairy Zom Mother, who writes, “No one has space for a large wardrobe anymore. That doesn’t mean you can’t wear something special if the occasion demands. It’s nice to dress up once in a while, so why not implement a share and swap system at your settlement so people can borrow clothes, shoes, and accessories?”

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Wonder how long it would take to get that set up in New Canton. I’ve actually got a special evening planned soon.

ZOE CRICK: Ooh, is it a date?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Maybe? I’ll tell you all about it during this next song.

Until Next Time

ZOE CRICK: Um, I think the orange ones might be a bit much.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, and we’re live.

ZOE CRICK: Sorry about that, listeners. Recently we’ve learned that there’s a way for everyone to express themselves through fashion, even in the post-apocalypse, but we’d like to add that not everyone has to.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: That’s right. Some people don’t even bother to brush the cat hair off their jumper before they come to work, and that’s just fine.

ZOE CRICK: The cat hair is a deliberate part of my aesthetic, Phil. Our point is that everyone’s priorities have changed. Most dress codes died with the apocalypse and few of us mourn them. You’re no longer likely to be turned down for a job because you couldn’t get your hands on an expensive suit for the interview. Nowadays, people are valued for doing what they do best.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: And on that note, let Zoe and I do what we do best and play you a song.

ZOE CRICK: Until next time, listeners.

Got an Idea

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hello again, citizens.

ZOE CRICK: Phil, before you say anything else, there’s something important we need to discuss.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Is this about getting a pet for the show again? Because I thought we settled that.

ZOE CRICK: We haven’t, but no, this is about something very upsetting I found on ROFFLEnet today.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, the Radio New Hope fanfic? Hmm. There’s one of you and me being turned into zoms on air that is both deeply disturbing and shockingly well-written.

ZOE CRICK: Again, no. What I found is a thread on ROFFLEnet called “Radio New Hope Has Changed” full of people - well, full of two people - who think we’ve lost our touch. Look, Just_Saying_108 says, “It breaks my heart. Zoe and Phil aren’t what they used to be.” And then Radio_No_Hope says, “It all started when they got into bed with Amelia.”

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I’m assuming in my case they mean metaphorically.

ZOE CRICK: Phil, we need to take this seriously. If our listeners aren’t happy, we’re not happy.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: It’s only two people, Zoe.

ZOE CRICK: That’s two too many.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Actually, I’ve got an idea.

ZOE CRICK: Wonderful, I knew you’d think of something. Tell me right after this.

Thinking Caps On

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Listeners, some of you think we’ve changed, and while change can be good, we want to make sure we’re still giving you the content you deserve.

ZOE CRICK: That sounds vaguely threatening.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: That’s why we’re going to crowdsource our content again. I have reopened our inbox for suggestions on what Radio New Hope should do next. We’re open to anything. Except turning zom on air.

ZOE CRICK: Phil, nobody’s going to ask for that.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You haven’t seen the comments on that Radio New Hope fanfic. Anyway, listeners, please send in your thoughts. Who knows? Your idea might become our next segment.

ZOE CRICK: We did get some great suggestions last time. It’ll be good to round up some new ones.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Exactly! Now everyone put your thinking caps on, and here’s a song to get you in a creative mood.

Less Reckless

PHIL CHEESEMAN: All right, listeners, it’s time to open the suggestion box and find out what you’d like to hear on Radio New Hope… Huh.

ZOE CRICK: Is that it? I thought we’d get a few more suggestions.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, maybe it’s a sign we’re not so bad after all.

ZOE CRICK: No, we can’t get complacent. Some listeners aren’t happy with us.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Two listeners.

ZOE CRICK: It’s just that with all that ROFFLEnet talk of us having changed, I thought we’d get a bit more feedback. Still, we’ll go with what we’ve got.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: We need to drumroll first.

ZOE CRICK: Seriously?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: There are few things in life that can’t be improved with a drumroll. Scientific fact.

ZOE CRICK: Fine. Drumroll, please.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [mutters rapidly] Drumroll drumroll drumroll drum drum drum drum drum cymbal!

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] Zom_Truther writes, “What if you ate some of that red fungus live on air? We know the prime minister is lying about the danger and hoarding it for herself.”

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, that’s a bad idea. What did I say about us not turning zom on air?

ZOE CRICK: Yeah, Truther, we’re not going to eat red fungus. Amelia isn’t lying… about that, at least.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: That’s right. And uh, please don’t test your theory out for yourself.

ZOE CRICK: We’ll be back with more of your hopefully less reckless suggestions after this song.

About As Close

ZOE CRICK: Time for another look at our surprisingly meager suggestion box. Come on now, we know you have great ideas, so send them in. This one from Zombologist. “I love that doctor advice show - ”

PHIL CHEESEMAN: The Drs. Maxine and Paula one? Us, too. Listeners, if you’re not tuning in to that show as well as ours, you’re missing out.

ZOE CRICK: Definitely. Anyway, the letter says, “I love that doctor advice show, but they only focus on the bodies and minds of the living. What about the study of zombies? I think you should bring a zombie into the studio and do some tests. I have a few experiments in mind. See attached for details.”

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh… Oh, that’s… Was that diagram the right way up? How would that even work?

ZOE CRICK: I’m not sure, but I think those are electrodes, or possibly poisonous snakes? Either way, Zombologist, we have a pretty strict no zoms in the studio policy.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: What can we do? Hands tied.

ZOE CRICK: Much like the zom in that illustration, I think.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, that’s about as close as I want to come to that scenario. Let’s clear it from our minds with this song.

Your Ingenuity

ZOE CRICK: Well listeners, a few more suggestions trickled in during that last song.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: We are seriously considering some of the less extreme ones, such as an interview with King Jamie or a Z-Day retrospective.

ZOE CRICK: This one is from Inquiring_Mindz - with a Z, naturally. “What about a show that gives a look at the human side of politics?”

PHIL CHEESEMAN: So far, so good. At least there are no zombies involved.

ZOE CRICK: “I’d love for us to get a closer look at Prime Minister Spens’ flat. It must be lovely. She has marvelous taste, after all.”

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Let me see that. [paper rustles] “You could describe the art, the architecture, any documents that are lying around, the paint, the paint colors, any plans you might find in the drawers…”

ZOE CRICK: Come on now, Inquiring, you’re asking us to spy on Amelia. Even if I did do that - which, of course, I wouldn’t - there’s no way I’d out myself by sharing it on air.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: How restrained of you.

ZOE CRICK: What can I say? I prefer not to incur the wrath of the most powerful woman in the country. Nice try, Inquiring, but we’re broadcasters, not espionage agents. And that’s all of them, right?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Right. Right, thanks to everyone for your suggestions. Uh, even the more… creative ones. Let’s celebrate your ingenuity with this next number.

Or Do You?

ZOE CRICK: You’ll never guess what.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I’m sure I won’t.

ZOE CRICK: You weren’t a very funny child, were you? I went back on ROFFLEnet to see if that thread had more positive things to say about us now that we’ve been through the suggestion box. However, turns out I misinterpreted the whole thing.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: So people don’t think Radio New Hope has changed for the worse?

ZOE CRICK: They do, but it’s not the broadcasts they think have changed, it’s us. They think we’re doppelgängers.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Like Zoe and Phil’s evil twins?

ZOE CRICK: Exactly. It’s not clear if they think we’ve been brainwashed into thinking we’re real Zoe and Phil or if we’re in on it, but Radio_No_Hope says, “There’s no way Amelia would allow a free press unless she could control it, and that means controlling Phil and Zoe.”

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, they do have a point, but ci-ti-zens, do not fear, we have not been replaced by ourselves.

ZOE CRICK: How do you know?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: What do you mean, how do I know? I know who I am.

ZOE CRICK: Or do you? What if you just think you do? Listeners, we’ll get to the bottom of it right after this next song.

Control the Press

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Let me get this straight. You think I could have been replaced by a double without you noticing? You noticed when I changed my hair parting last month.

ZOE CRICK: Now that I think about it, that could have been a sign you were Phil 2.0.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hmm. If that’s the case, anything could be a sign. How do I know you’re not Evil Zoe?

ZOE CRICK: My name’s still spelled with a Z. Evil Zoe would definitely swap out the Z for an X… I think.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You’re not sure?

ZOE CRICK: Radio No Hope said it. There could be brainwashing involved.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: So let me get this straight. You think Amelia found doppelgängers of us?

ZOE CRICK: Or cloned us. Always a possibility.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Of course, and then she brainwashed said doppel-clones because - ?

ZOE CRICK: Because she wants to control the press. Although there might be an even more devious reason. We are talking about Amelia, after all. I’ll think it over during this next song.

Definitely Green

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Have you figured out why Amelia might possibly want to replace us with brainwashed clones?

ZOE CRICK: No. I mean, yes, but one of the reasons only works if we meet the clones, and the other one requires mint and a trampoline. I wonder if the fact that I can’t figure it out is a symptom of the brainwashing.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: That’s convenient.

ZOE CRICK: And I wonder when it began. Do you think it all started when Amelia gave us this hideous red furniture?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Green.

ZOE CRICK: What?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hideous green furniture.

ZOE CRICK: I don’t know what you’re talking about. The furniture is red. Maybe new Phil is colorblind?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You’re kidding, right? It’s green.

ZOE CRICK: Am I kidding, or are you different now?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You know what? There’s an easy way to settle this. I’m going to ask someone who has been in here what color the furniture is. Don’t you move. Just, uh, play a song and I’ll be right back.

[door opens]

ZOE CRICK: [giggles] Now that he’s gone, listeners, between you and me, the couches are definitely green. I know that was a tiny bit rotten of me, but I couldn’t resist. While we wait for Phil’s triumphant return, here’s a song that any version of me would love.

Best Cohost Ever

[door opens]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh my God, you’re right.

ZOE CRICK: Right about what?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: About the doppelgängers. Everyone confirmed it. The furniture in here’s red, but I see green, so I must be colorblind now. Maybe all clones are.

ZOE CRICK: Wait, who did you ask?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh, Nadia, Runner Thirty-Seven. They said it’s red. Now that I’m a clone, I wonder if I still like the same foods. Remind me, how do I feel about jam?

ZOE CRICK: You’re… you’re joking, right? Because the couches are green. I was just pulling your leg.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Wait, so you see them as green, too? Maybe we’re both clones.

ZOE CRICK: I guess. I -

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Or maybe we’re from an alternate reality, one where people don’t play pranks on their lovely radio cohosts because they might get paid back in spades!

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] You - you almost had me going there! [sighs] Well, I guess I might have deserved it. A little.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: A little?

ZOE CRICK: Oh, no comment. All I can say is that I’m happy in this universe with the best cohost ever. This next song is for you, Phil, because you’re one of a kind.

The Real Phil and Zoe

ZOE CRICK: That whole business with the doppelgängers has got me thinking, Phil.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Not again.

ZOE CRICK: No, not that we’re clones or anything like that. I’ve been thinking about conspiracy theories. Do you think there are more of them now after Z-Day?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Probably. Look at all the things we’ve gone through. Uh, Sigrid, Moonchild, the Curly Wurly shortage. That’s enough to make anyone a little paranoid.

ZOE CRICK: I don’t know. I think maybe it’s the opposite. All of the conspiracies since Z-Day were eventually exposed. Even if we were replaced by clones, someone would find out and tell people about it.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You have a point. Kind of reassuring in a way.

ZOE CRICK: I hope so. For the concerned ROFFLEnet folks, don’t worry. If Phil and I are ever replaced by clones, you’ll find out about it soon enough, probably from someone at Abel.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Very true. We’re counting on you, Runner Five.

ZOE CRICK: And if the worst should occur, avenge us!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: But in the meantime, we hope all of you carry on enjoying Radio New Hope with the real Phil and Zoe. This one’s for everyone who’s dedicated to staying true to themselves.

Codex

Supplies

The following supplies can be found in Season 8 Radio Mode.

9mm Ammo
Axe
Bandages
Baseball Bat
Batteries
Bedroll
Book
Bottled Water
Box of Lightbulbs
Cricket bat
Football
Laptop
Mobile Phone
Network Cable
Pain Meds
Pistol
Playing cards
Power Cable
Radio
Rope
Shirt
Shorts
Sports Bra
Tampons
Teddy bear
Tinned Food
Tool Box
Trousers
Underwear
USB Key
Vitamins