Season 7 Radio Mode

Broadcast Radio makes strange bedfellows with more programming from Phil, Zoe and the rest of the Abel crew.

Cast

• Phil Cheeseman
• Zoe Crick
• Amelia Spens
• Bernard Prior
• Jody Marsh
• Janine De Luca
• Nadia Al Hanaki
• Paula Cohen
• Sam Yao
• Maxine Myers

Transcript

Disposing Of These Sweets

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Later today, Tom De Luca will be in the studio to say a few words on gun safety after the unfortunate incident with Runner Fourteen’s [?]. [wrapper crackles] But first – hold on. What’s that?

ZOE CRICK: Hmm?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: That’s a Mars bar, isn’t it?

ZOE CRICK: Mm, mm.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: It is! It is a Mars bar! I can see you trying to hide the wrapping. And it’s a full size one, too. Not one of those rubbish little family pack ones.

ZOE CRICK: [swallows] It may have been.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Where are you even getting all that chocolate? I haven’t seen a Mars bar in ages.

ZOE CRICK: I’ve told you. Amelia can be very generous.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Firstly, stop waggling your eyebrows when you say that, and secondly, we both know that’s not true!

ZOE CRICK: Well, she may have let slip the location of one of her secret stashes. Sometimes she talks in her sleep. And if she happens to talk about a confectionery that I’m really craving, what’s a girl to do?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: And what about your poor chocolate-deprived cohost?

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] Here. We can split these.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh my God! [wrappers crackle] Quality Streets, actual Quality Streets! And there’s even a purple one.

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] And while we’re disposing of these sweets, listeners, here’s a song that’s almost as good as chocolate.

Not Good Noises

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh. I feel… I feel a little weird.

ZOE CRICK: Weird how?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh, like my fingers and toes are trying to drop off and go on little expeditions by themselves.

ZOE CRICK: Yeah. I’m feeling that, too. And do the walls look like they’re turning all swirly and melty to you?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: A bit. I’m getting nausea. You getting nausea?

ZOE CRICK: Lots of nausea. And if you’re just joining us, listeners, Phil and I are suddenly feeling a bit under the weather. But we’re still here to read your latest letters to the studio. Phil?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Um… oh, this one’s from Amelia. It says, “I know you’ve been trying to find my luxury stashes, Zoe, but guess what? I don’t – I don’t talk in my sleep. PS, I hope you and your cohost enjoy the extra chemical flavoring I put in those chocolates.” Well, isn’t that just lovely.

ZOE CRICK: I’m going to kill her. If this doesn’t kill me. Phil, pass that bin. I think I’m going to be sick. Play some music quick. These aren’t going to be good noises.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh God, I think I need to use it, too.

Revenge Schemes

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Zoe.

ZOE CRICK: Yes?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You were away for your lunch break for a really long time.

ZOE CRICK: Was I?

[door opens and closes]

AMELIA SPENS: I bet you think that was funny.

ZOE CRICK: I don’t know what you mean.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Amelia, you look soaked.

AMELIA SPENS: Luring me out in my second best dress, which you think is my best dress, and then throwing a bucket of water over my head. You’re lucky my bodyguards didn’t shoot you.

ZOE CRICK: You’d never let them do that. You enjoy our romps too much.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh God, please don’t say “romps.”

AMELIA SPENS: Do you have any idea how hard it is to find charmeuse silk in this day and age?

ZOE CRICK: That’ll teach you to poison my cohost, then. You knew I’d share those chocolates. And I’ve told you, Phil is off limits.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Aw, Zo.

AMELIA SPENS: I’m the one of us who believes in revenge schemes!

ZOE CRICK: I bet it turns you on when I remind you of yourself, though, doesn’t it?

AMELIA SPENS: What time do you finish?

ZOE CRICK: Five o'clock.

AMELIA SPENS: Fine. But I’m not wearing anything you like.

[door opens and closes]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I do not understand your relationship at all.

Night Of Passion

ZOE CRICK: Phil!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Zoe! You’re here early. You’re never here early.

ZOE CRICK: I may have heard that you and Layla went on a date last night. And Jody may have mentioned seeing the two of you stumble into the studio around midnight for presumed canoodling. Where is Layla? I wanted gossip about the canoodling. You never tell me anything.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: She’s gone home. I was just, um… cleaning up and starting the show.

ZOE CRICK: Cleaning up the extensive model train network that’s cropped up in our studio overnight?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I like model trains, and she likes puzzles, which are a bit like model trains, and Runner Eighteen found this train set on her last scavenging run, so we traded one of my pillow cases for it, and… there was more space in the studio than in either of our rooms.

ZOE CRICK: So the two of you stayed up all night building model trains?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh… yes.

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] Oh Phil, that’s adorable. You are easily the least sordid person I’ve ever met. And while I help Phil clean up the last remnants of his night of passion, listeners, here’s some music to start the day.

A Constant Delight

BERNARD PRIOR: Ahoy-hoy, fair listeners. Yes, you can believe your shell-like ears. That’s right, that last rocking track has faded away to reveal – oh happy day! – Bernie P’s back in town! Can one dare to believe? Yes, one can! Tempus fugit and all that. Buckle up, my buttercups, and do draw nearer. I have much to impart.

Truly it is time to rejoice, Bernard fans. Yes, both of you. [laughs] For despite Miss Amelia Spens’ many, many, many threats to cancel this show for being “tedious, dreary, dry as dishwater” – which I take to be some delightful malapropism – and lastly, “the worst radio show in the history of radio shows. Good God, you want to make me chew my own ears off!” [laughs] A sight that barely bears imagining, does it, listeners?

But no matter. We are back – for now, at least – with many aural delights. Bernie’s radio extravaganza, New Canton Today, continues apace with all the political news and views and the occasional lecture, if I can get away with it.

AMELIA SPENS: You will not be getting away with it. Let’s make this clear: you are back with conditions.

BERNARD PRIOR: Beg pardon, Millie dear. Also, are you copresenting today?

AMELIA SPENS: Well, perhaps not copresenting as such. I’m very busy forging alliances and whatnot. Wheeling, dealing, keeping the lights on, et cetera. Nothing that would concern you, I’m sure. So perhaps consider this more the occasional drive-by. Would you like that, B?

BERNARD PRIOR: But of course. Your fragrant presence is a constant delight!

Consider Playing Tunes

AMELIA SPENS: Yes, so just passing through like a thief in the night. You’ll hardly know I’m here. However, I did feel it worth mentioning that your stay of execution is very much dependant on you adhering to your new editorial policy guidelines, which means none of your boring claptrap.

Dreary educational dirge about politics might seem even less relevant now there’s no government to speak of. Capisce? What is the point of teaching people about things that don’t exist? So make a note – this isn’t the Open University. From now on, I’m clamping down. I have full editorial control.

BERNARD PRIOR: Full editorial control. That doesn’t offer any conflict with your earlier edict vis-à-vis “You’ll hardly know I’m here,” now does it, dear heart?

AMELIA SPENS: Exactly. So you should stick to entertainment, like what you’re meant to be doing. Consider playing tunes. Here’s a nice one.

Especially Banging Tunes

BERNARD PRIOR: Jolly good news, listeners. Amelia may have issued some of her trademark diktats, but actually was just passing through. Yes, the lady vanishes. Wonders will never cease. Jubilate Deo, as they say. Hallelujah. Frangelico. As for her new ideas about program content, [clears throat] we will be getting to those in due course. However, firstly and without further waffling from your most humble servant here, let’s hear some more especially banging tunes!

Let's Have Another

BERNARD PRIOR: Ah, sweet music. The food of love. Radical beats, pounding bass. Do you know, treasured listeners, I can’t imagine what my old choir master would say to discover that tone-deaf little Bernard is now forging a career in the musical arts. What a rum old turn-up. What a hoot. Let’s – do we dare? - let’s have another! I think I’ll push my chair back for this one.

Someone To Man The Studio

[birds twitter]

ZOE CRICK: Welcome back to Radio New Hope, listeners. Today’s show’s going to be a little different from the usual.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: We’re outside!

ZOE CRICK: Yes! [laughs] Sam’s given us some old runner headsets to use, so Phil and I are broadcasting this one direct from the countryside.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, technically we’re relaying our voices to Rajit in the studio who’s broadcasting them out from there because we can’t play music from our microphones. And we’re not so much in the proper countryside as we are in a field next to Abel with Jody and a lot of runners nearby to protect us.

ZOE CRICK: But still, there’s sunshine and trees and no zombies in sight.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hold on. Is Rajit still angry at you for refusing to read his last book on the air?

ZOE CRICK: Well, I was willing to read it. I just told him I’d laugh when I got to the love scenes. A lot. [laughs] Probably too much to be understood. Why?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: He was really eager to help when we were looking for someone to man the studio. You don’t think he’d try to get his own back, do you? By messing with our signal or playing music we hate or something?

ZOE CRICK: Rajit? [laughs] No. At least… he’d better not.

Another Classic Song

[birds twitter]

ZOE CRICK: Welcome back to Radio New Hope in the great outdoors. Today, my trusty cohost and I are coming at you from… hold on. Phil? Does this field have a name?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh… the large green field directly behind Abel with a lot of trees nearby?

ZOE CRICK: Right. We’re coming at you live from the large green field directly behind Abel with a lot of trees nearby.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah.

ZOE CRICK: We’re here with Jody Marsh, who’s training a handful of Abel runners in the fine art of archery. Hello, Jody.

JODY MARSH: Hi. Oh, for God’s sake, Runner Twenty-Two, you hold a longbow vertically! You said you knew how to shoot!

ZOE CRICK: What brought on all this amateur Robin Hoodery, Jody?

JODY MARSH: Basically, Abel’s running low on bullets, so Janine wants runners to start practicing with other weapons. It’s easy for us to make arrows, and a good shot with a bow will scare bandits as much as anything.

ZOE CRICK: That makes sense. And how’s the training going?

[arrow thuds into a tree]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [shouts] That almost hit my leg! That arrow was inches from my leg, Runner Twenty-Two! The targetry is in the other direction! How could you? I played your favorite song twice yesterday.

JODY MARSH: It’s still sort of a work in progress.

ZOE CRICK: Well folks, practice does make perfect. And as Phil and I get some distance from Jody and her archers, we’ll be handing back to Rajit in the studio - who’s going to behave himself, or else! - for another classic song.

Staying Indoors

[birds twitter]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You know, I love our studio, but I’m genuinely properly starting to enjoy working outside.

ZOE CRICK: It’s nice, isn’t it?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Fresh air is so relaxing. It’s like when we were traveling around the country in that van, only we aren’t fleeing the government in a perpetual state of absolute terror.

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] And we’re not arguing about who forgot to bring a spare tire.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah. Maybe we should do this sort of thing more often.

JANINE DE LUCA: [over intercom] Attention all outdoor personnel. Zombies approaching your position. Repeat: zombies approaching your position. Miss Marsh, begin your live target archery exercises. All other personnel, return to Abel at once. Repeat: return to Abel at once.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Or not. Actually, let’s never ever do this kind of thing again.

ZOE CRICK: Come on. Back to Abel. Better run for it. You know how Janine feels about stragglers.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah. I definitely think there’s something to be said for staying indoors.

Apparently Very Entertaining

BERNARD PRIOR: So, fair and patient listeners, some things cannot be put off forever. So here we are. It is time to discuss the future of New Canton Today in these latest interesting times. Can I begin with a sincere apology to all of you who recall the thing of wonder that this show once was a mere 12 months ago? Truly, as Ozymandias became naught but a forgotten statue in the desert, nothing lasts. All that is fair shall fade. Sic transit gloria munde. Everything changes but you.

And there really is no other way of putting this. Amelia has suggested in lieu of any now defunct political segments, we fill our airtime with [clears throat] memes. Now I have looked up the word memes in the dictionary, and I’ve drawn a bit of a blank as to what precisely it actually means, although apparently it’s what everyone is into these days.

So I am forced to throw myself prostrate upon your tender mercies, dear listeners. Dictum factum and over to you. Do please send me some of these, uh… memes. Apparently, they are very entertaining!

Contractually Obliged

BERNARD PRIOR: And I am not quite done with the earthshattering revelations. In further thrilling developments, I hear from our exalted and glorious leader Amelia Spens that she has acquired a new consignment of DVDs, which can only mean one thing. Yes, that’s right. The return of our film review entertainment strand. So I apologize for that in advance, but am contractually obliged to suggest that perhaps you might care to stay tuned in.

Fantastical Mood

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [sighs] Hello, listeners. You’ll be happy to hear that Zoe and I are back indoors in our nice warm studio, far away from zombies and wayward arrows. It’s good to be back, isn’t it, Zo?

ZOE CRICK: It is indeed.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Although I can’t help noticing there are paper mache dragons all over our desk. And there’s a really bad painting of a castle hung up on the wall. And you’re wearing a paper pointy hat.

ZOE CRICK: Rajit said he was leaving a few things behind to help us get into character.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Into character.

ZOE CRICK: I may have told him that we’d read his latest book out on the air. Together. Without laughing. And that we’d do all the character voices.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: What? Why?

ZOE CRICK: He kept playing music I absolutely couldn’t stand while we were outside. I had to get him to behave somehow.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: No. No, I am not reading 3,000 pages of Rajit’s poorly-spelled high fantasy. You told me there were love scenes in it. This is a family friendly show!

ZOE CRICK: Well, Rajit said we can skip over those bits. Apparently they’re not essential to the plot.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Then they shouldn’t be in the book!

ZOE CRICK: Come on, Phil, I promised! There’s a wizard in it. I’ll let you wear the pointy hat if you do the wizard’s voice.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: All right. Fine. Let’s just get this over with. Coming up, listeners, we’re apparently reading from Rajit’s latest fantasty novel, uh… The Hoop of Moments. But first, here’s a song to get you into a fantastical mood!

Middling Earth

ZOE CRICK: “Once upon a time, there was a brave farm boy whose village was burned by evil bandits.” You know what, Rajit? We’ve had enough brave farm boys in your fantasy books. “Once upon a time, there was a brave farm girl who escaped the bandits burning down her village. Traveling on a mountain road with only her wits to guide her, she found herself faced with a mysterious bearded wizard.”

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [wizard voice] “Greetings, young traveler. What brings you along this desolate mountain road in such harsh noonday sun?”

ZOE CRICK: Phil? Phil, what are you doing?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: That’s my wizard voice. I use it when I’m playing Demons and Darkness. Layla says I sound just like Gandalf.

ZOE CRICK: Oh, then she must love you very much, because you actually sound like a goose with a lozenge stuck in its throat.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I’m supposed to sound old. Wizards are old.

ZOE CRICK: Not this one. According to the book, he’s 22 and handsome and not wearing a shirt. I’m starting to regret some of the editorial advice I’ve given Rajit over the years.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: How many pages have we got left, anyway?

ZOE CRICK: 2,997. And a half.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I don’t know if I’m going to make it.

ZOE CRICK: Maybe we should play some music for a bit.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, I think that’s a good idea. Folks, we’ll be right back with another chapter from the enchanted land of Middling Earth after the next song.

Self-Respecting Villains

ZOE CRICK: “Oh no!” cried Elra, the plucky farm girl. “This is a trap!” Elra was surrounded by ogres, an army of them. She had stolen the Crystal of Time from their secret cave, but now there was no escape. She was face to face with Zal'rae, the hideous ruler of the nightmare creatures.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [villain voice] “Foolish girl, you shall not abscond with our greatest treasure on my watch. My ogre servants will destroy you before you take another step.” Hold on. Zoe, how come you get to read the narration and I have to do all the character voices?

ZOE CRICK: I’m doing some of the voices. I’m doing Elra.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Who’s the hero.

ZOE CRICK: Yeah.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: So you’re doing the voice of the hero and the voice of the story itself, which basically amounts to the voice of God.

ZOE CRICK: Yeah.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: And I’m stuck doing all the supporting characters and the evil villains.

ZOE CRICK: Pretty much.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: This is how you see our whole relationship, isn’t it?

ZOE CRICK: Oh Phil, you could never be a villain.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I just knew you were gonna say that. [sighs] Okay listeners, uh, it looks like the next eight pages or so are just the demons singing about how they’re gonna eat the hero, and the lyrics aren’t very good. I tell you what, I know the perfect song for any self-respecting band of villains. Let’s just go with that, shall we?

Gripping Memes

BERNARD PRIOR: And what a thoroughly pleasing choon that was. C-H-OO-N, apparently, is the spelling. Now please. Also, just to remind you, I’m sorry to further request. I don’t mean to be all up in your case or anything. I’m sure you have more than enough to do, what with surviving the apocalypse as best you can and all that that involves, racing across all terrain to escape the terrifying hordes of animated cadavers. Nevertheless, if I could impose? Send me your favored and most gripping memes?

Sssong Of Our People

ZOE CRICK: “Balmoran raised his axe, but as he started to swing, the dwarf king was struck through the chest by a blade. The human bandits laughed mockingly as Balmoran fell to the ground.”

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, you can’t do that!

ZOE CRICK: Do what?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You can’t kill the dwarf king, he’s my favorite character.

ZOE CRICK: Well, I think he comes back to life pretty quickly, if that’s any consolation.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: But does he get reunited with his elf lover and do the two of them manage to save Elra from the demon prison?

ZOE CRICK: You’re really getting into this, aren’t you?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I think it’s basically Stockholm Syndrome at this point.

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] You’ve got another big monologue. There’s the snake king coming up on the next page. Don’t forget to exaggerate the Sss sounds.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, I love the snake king. “Greetingssss, ghosssst of Balmoran. I can help you ssssave your friend Elra in exchange for your immortal ssssoul. But firssst, my reptile bardssss will play the ssssong of our people.”

Undo The Apocalypse

ZOE CRICK: “And so Elra buried the Crystal of Time where it would never be found. She could have used its evil magic to resurrect her old village to see her family again, but the price would have been her soul, and Elra had learned all too well that some worlds, once lost, are best left in the past.”

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Is that… the end?

ZOE CRICK: I think so.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: But we’re only 998 pages in and that’s counting all the love scenes you skipped over.

ZOE CRICK: Oh, the rest just looks like appendices and maps. Lots of maps, all of them hand drawn.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [sighs] You know, I actually think I really enjoyed reading that, even if it was a terrible book.

ZOE CRICK: Yeah, me too. There’s been so much scary talk about biker gangs and V-types lately, it was nice to leave reality behind for a bit. Do you think you’d have made the same choice as Elra if you had a magic crystal?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You mean would I give up my soul to see my friends and family again, to undo the apocalypse?

ZOE CRICK: Yeah.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I think I probably would.

ZOE CRICK: Hmm. Me, too. I guess that’s the difference between a fantasy hero and a real person, isn’t it? Heroes resist temptation and real people mostly don’t.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, that sounds about right. We’ll be right back after the next song, listeners, but in the meantime, why don’t you write in to let us know what would you give up to undo the apocalypse?

Baffled

BERNARD PRIOR: Listeners, fellow travelers, trusted friends, it seems my last plea was the one. It has happened. This current postbag contains a meme, the holy grail! I am cock - and indeed - ahoop. It’s from Bernie Fanatic. Well done, valiant fanatic! And that’s a very flattering non de plume. Now allow me to investigate further.

[paper rustles] So now here I have a photograph that depicts a young man standing in the street and he’s looking at an attractive young lady passing him by, to the annoyance of another attractive young lady who I suspect is his current paramour and who is looking at him with an expression of utter vexation! It looks as if it’s some kind of stock photograph, by the way. I’m not sure if that’s wholly relevant.

However, this image is not the meme. This is marked “for reference.” The meme is the second picture, wherein the image is doctored so the young man’s paramour has been electronically labeled “old-school shambling zombie,” and the second young lady he is gazing at longingly is labeled “new unkillable zombie.” The young man, meanwhile, is labeled “doomed humankind.”

Well listeners, I don’t mind telling you this has me baffled. What am I meant to make of it? Perhaps now you could write in and explain why this is so entertaining.

Less Unnerving Letters

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Welcome back, listeners. If you’re just joining us, we’ve asked you to tell us what you’d give up in exchange for undoing the end of the world.

ZOE CRICK: We have a letter from Vanessa Basingstoke at the Abel bakery here who says she’d give up every Christmas she’s ever had just to see her husband and son again.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh. That one’s really sad.

ZOE CRICK: And we’ve got another one here from Abel resident Anupam Vlast who says he’d give up exactly one of his precious vintage Rolling Stones albums to undo the apocalypse.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: That’s less sad.

ZOE CRICK: And a write-in from Lizzie Vladistok, aka Runner Ninety-Seven, who says she wouldn’t give anything up to put the world back the way it was, because at least now nobody’s trying to take away her guns.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh, that’s just uh, really disturbing, actually.

ZOE CRICK: A lot of these are either sad or disturbing, to be honest.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hmm, this might not have been our best write-in idea. Um, let’s go to some music, shall we? And hopefully we’ll have some less unnerving letters when we get back.

Worth Holding Onto

ZOE CRICK: Here’s a nice one.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Is it another person willing to give up a relative who survived the apocalypse to get their old dog back?

ZOE CRICK: No, nothing like that. This one’s from Yu Yan Turnstoat who works in Abel’s biotech labs. She says she wouldn’t give anything up to put the world back in order because the lives we’ve built since the apocalypse are just as valid as the lives that came before, and nobody deserves to have a life they’ve built forcibly undone, no matter what reason.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hmm. That is really nice.

ZOE CRICK: And on that note, listeners, let’s go to some more music to help you celebrate the lives you’ve built. Remember, no matter what used to be, what we’ve got now is still worth holding on to.

Taking The Flipping Bernard?

BERNARD PRIOR: Goodness gracious me, and there’s another listener’s letter here that has went its merry way to me! Always a thrill, dear hearts, always a thrill. Now this young whippersnapper by the name of Music Lover writes, “Dear Bernard, I miss your raps. Would you ever consider blessing us with more?” Oh deary me. I have been told from on high, if I may use such a transparent euphemism, that my raps are no longer editorial policy and to perform one would elicit instant cancellation of this show. But also, if you’ll pardon the colloquial if i say Music Lover, are you taking the flipping Bernard?

Be More Sam Yao

AMELIA SPENS: Pass those biscuits, Bernie. [chews] Now just a quick note. You’ve barely mentioned our movie reviews. You need to talk them up more, B! Get the audience really pumped.

BERNARD PRIOR: I’m sure I’m really not in the business of getting anyone in any way pumped, literally or figuratively.

AMELIA SPENS: Literally and figuratively mean the same thing now, Berno. Do keep up, and don’t be such a wet blanket. Cheer up or I’ll find someone who can give this whole caboodle more zip, give some more pep to the airwaves. What I’m picturing is I want you to be more Sam Yao.

BERNARD PRIOR: We all want that, Millie, old bean.

AMELIA SPENS: [sighs] Indeed, we do.

Maybe Just Skip Those

ZOE CRICK: … And Tom De Luca will be back for another episode of jazz history a little later on, listeners.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: And yes, folks, we were as surprised as you when he started playing that trombone.

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] But first, Phil and I are discussing the burning question of the day – what to do with the enormous stack of old zombie movies that Runner Twelve recently found in an abandoned shopping center.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [sighs] I can’t believe Sam wants to have a zombie movie night. In this day and age!

ZOE CRICK: I think it could be fun! We can see what the movies get right about zombies, laugh at what they get wrong.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: We can fantasize about having our innards eaten just like the people on screen.

ZOE CRICK: Oh, come on, Phil. I’ve seen you watch Die Hard 2. You love nitpicking movies. And there’s nothing wrong with a bit of escapism.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: It’s not escapism anymore. There are zombies outside.

ZOE CRICK: So? It’s not like everyone stopped watching sci-fi movies just because people went to the moon. Anyway, with those V-types around, I wouldn’t mind seeing some movies where the zombies lose.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: What about all the zombie movies with unhappy endings?

ZOE CRICK: Yeah. Yeah. Maybe we can just skip those for now. And here’s another classic tune, folks, to keep those real-life zombies off your minds.

Very, Very Different Folks

ZOE CRICK: You know, all those old zombie movies could be educational.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: What do you mean?

ZOE CRICK: Well, think about it. It’s been a few years since Z-Day. Some of our younger listeners might not understand there was a time when zombies were just monsters in stories.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: God, that makes me feel old.

ZOE CRICK: And they won’t remember smartphones or iPads or the final season of The X-Files.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hey! Hey, you deliberately put that last one in there to wind me up.

ZOE CRICK: It’s weird, isn’t it? So much of what we thought of as normal is going to be completely incomprehensible to anyone born after Z-Day. I guess that’s why we have to keep as much of our culture alive as we can, so we can show people how the world used to be, the good bits and the bad.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You know, I think the revival was really successful and should have gone on longer.

ZOE CRICK: Of course you do, Phil.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: And this next song goes out to anyone who thinks zombies are more normal than working mobile phones. Life used to be very, very different, folks.

Actually Rather Amusing

BERNARD PRIOR: Listeners, I am sorry to have to tell you that I have been sent a further meme. Will it shed any light on the baffling art form? I doubt it, but let me investigate once more. [paper rustles]. Right. Now listeners, also I am starting to wonder if audio is really the best medium for such a thing. They do seem, from my limited exposure, to tend towards the visual, but I shall attempt to pursue it. Lady Fortune smiles upon the brave!

And so I’ll describe this one, which in an interesting spin, builds on the last one. It is the same photograph, but here the young man is being chomped on by a lady zombie. An attractive female zombie face has been pasted over the young lady in the photograph, while he glances suggestively at another lady zombie, perhaps wishing that he was being chomped on by her. Interesting. Ah, I see! It is a play on the inherent fickleness of the hearts of men! It’s actually rather amusing!

Put The Movie On

BERNARD PRIOR: So do you see, Amelia? Human beings have such an urge for the novel that even when being chomped on by a zombie, one might idly wonder if it would be more thrilling to be chomped on by a different zombie! And then if we look at the last one, it even suggests that the new zombie in some sense -

AMELIA SPENS: And this is what you’re peddling as entertainment, is it? You describing memes in punishing detail?

BERNARD PRIOR: Yes, as requested in your editorial policy.

AMELIA SPENS: Put the movie on, Bern.

The Clue Is In The Name

BERNARD PRIOR: So what is this film? Just so I can get my listeners pumped, as per your numerous memos.

AMELIA SPENS: It’s called Wonder Woman, B. Trust me, you will love it.

BERNARD PRIOR: Not a superhero movie, Millie. They’re all so tiresome. I really don’t want to look at another man called Chris saving the world with his glistening hair.

AMELIA SPENS: Just wait. Wonder Woman is a little different. The clue is in the name.

Enthusiastic Feminist

BERNARD PRIOR: Oh my God! That was quite, I mean… I really just… I mean, oh my… I just - [coughs, collapses to the floor]

AMELIA SPENS: Bernie? Bern? B, are you okay down there?

BERNARD PRIOR: I’m fine, but I might have to do the review from down here.

AMELIA SPENS: I am not putting my nice broadcasting equipment down on the floor just because you can’t control your emotions. Pull yourself together! I never knew you was such an enthusiastic feminist.

Ancient Greek Mythos

BERNARD PRIOR: Amazons. Amazons.

AMELIA SPENS: I’ll come back later.

BERNARD PRIOR: No, wait. I thought it would be interesting to compare and contrast them with the mythological origins.

AMELIA SPENS: Are you capable of that?

BERNARD PRIOR: I…

AMELIA SPENS: Go on, then.

BERNARD PRIOR: Yes. Yes, I must. It is my solemn duty to evaluate this new take on a breed of warrior women. Of course, as every schoolboy knows, the Amazons of ancient Greek mythos removed their breasts in order to draw back their bowstrings. Here, however, I… I noticed… [sighs] No, I can’t.

Do Hurry

BERNARD PRIOR: Listeners, I must apologize for my recent flurry of unprofessionalism. Let me now furnish you with a full review of Wonder Woman. And what a woman! Now this dashing ouvre begins with the Amazons. Oh, the Amazons! In the Greek tradition, which is a delight, but reimagined for our modern age as a tribe of powerful, diverse, thrilling, heroic, powerful… Have I said powerful?

AMELIA SPENS: Give me strength. Listeners, let me take over in the interests of not being here forever and dying of boredom. This is a good film! Very entertaining. Thrills, spills, etc. etc. Available to rent from New Canton General Stores for a reasonable fee. Do hurry.

A Tricky Business

ZOE CRICK: Coming up later this afternoon, we’ll have more heartwarming stories from the long way home caravan, a convoy of people traveling the country to reunite scattered families in the wake of the apocalypse.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: It’s just so genuinely wonderful.

ZOE CRICK: And we’ll also have Janine De Luca in the studio to brief us all on the current state of the UK government, which right now seems to be firmly filed under question mark.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Reconstruction is a tricky business, isn’t it, folks?

ZOE CRICK: All that and more after this next song.

Something Appropriate

JANINE DE LUCA: Good morning, listeners. Janine De Luca here. My apologies for the delay in starting this broadcast. It was necessary to have a discussion with Mr. Cheeseman and Ms. Crick on the disorganized state of their studio.

I am aware that many people have questions on the state of the United Kingdom’s government following the fall of the Ministry. I recently attended a conference on the subject with several of the country’s most prominent leaders, but sadly, there was no consensus on forming a new government. As a result of this, I’m afraid all I can say at present is the nation is in a state of transition. King Jamie continues to serve as head of state, but there is no universally recognized central administration.

Despite the climate of uncertainty, Abel must persist in moving forward as before, living, working, and building. With bandit gangs and zombies roving wild, the country remains as dangerous as ever. If we remain true to each other, I am confident we will see the United Kingdom unified under a single government, a better government, once again. Thank you for your time.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [whispers] Maybe play a song. It’ll cheer people up.

JANINE DE LUCA: I am told by Mr. Cheeseman that it would be beneficial for morale to play a song at this juncture. Very well. But please, something appropriate to the tone of my statement.

Over-Excited Punning

BERNARD PRIOR: Listeners, a determinedly thoughtful one of your number has written in to say that if I loved Wonder Woman so much - and oh, I really did - I might enjoy the sci-fi cult classic Barbarella. How kind of you! I must say, I have seen it. Spectacular! And it made quite an impression on the young Prior major. The delightful Fonda wriggling out of her space suit. Let me tell you, I saw it at a tender age and I was quite shocked such things were allowed.

But that is a thought. If you have any suggestions for movies you think I would enjoy, do let me know, particularly if you know of any films as inspiring as Wonder Woman. I really can’t think of any other films quite like it, which is rather shocking. I wonder – excuse my over-excited punning – but I do wonder why that might be.

Great Heavens

BERNARD PRIOR: Ahoy-hoy, dearest listeners. I know you all mean well and would only ever act with the most generous of spirits. However, just to head you off at the pass as it were, I don’t want anything too racy in your film suggestions. Do you get what I’m driving at? No leather corsets or anything like that. No Miss Whiplash. No, you know, how’s your father. It’s just not my thing. I like a good story! Some plucky derring-do! Although I do also quite like the boots, and the ability to pick up a tank and throw it! Great heavens.

Worry About Meatloaf

PHIL CHEESEMAN: The Last Riders?

ZOE CRICK: That’s what they’re calling themselves.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: That’s a bit dramatic, isn’t it? It sounds like they should be riding dragons or something.

ZOE CRICK: Well, they drive around on motorbikes, burning settlements and eating their captives. I think they’re trying to be dramatic.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Eating? As in… eating people?

ZOE CRICK: That’s what the survivors from their raids say. Admittedly, there aren’t very many of them.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: That’s… that’s really horrible, isn’t it?

ZOE CRICK: Just when you think the end of the world can’t get any scarier.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah… But don’t worry, listeners, because Radio New Hope is always here to make the apocalypse a little less frightening. Coming next, a classic song from a time when the scariest biker most of us had to worry about was Meatloaf. It’s not Meatloaf.

Won't Show Mercy

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Welcome back, listeners. We’re here with Jody Marsh, who has some tactical advice for any Abel resident who encounters the Last Riders.

JODY MARSH: Basically, if you spot them, run like hell.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Ah, is that it, Jody?

JODY MARSH: Yeah, pretty much. It’s dead tricky to come up with plans for the Last Riders because they’re completely unpredictable. They don’t have any coherent goals or strategies, they’re just pure anarchists. It’s driving Janine mental trying to analyze their attack patterns. One day they’re raiding an orphanage, the next, they’re suicide bombing a military base. But sometimes, they attack with proper plans, mind. They took out three Abel runners last week by luring them into an abandoned building with a distress call. But most the time, they just get by on sheer brute force and malice.

ZOE CRICK: So they’re unpredictable, is what you’re saying.

JODY MARSH: What I’m saying is if you see them, run for it. That goes for anybody listening, especially Abel runners. You can’t reason with them. They won’t show mercy. All they want to do is watch things burn, and that includes you. So if you see them coming, please, just run.

Keep The Music Going

ZOE CRICK: I heard the Last Riders have been raiding medical convoys all over the country.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, Maxine is totally furious about it. Apparently, they aren’t even using the medical supplies, except sometimes to get high. Just taking them and destroying them.

ZOE CRICK: That’s awful!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Settlements were just getting comfortable trading medicine again. Without the Ministry around to monopolize all the best drugs, now everyone’s too scared to admit if they’ve got supplies to spare… Zoe, what about -

ZOE CRICK: It’s okay. I have enough antidepressants to last me for a long while. I stocked up after the Ministry fell. But there’s a lot of people out there who aren’t so lucky.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I wish there was more we could do.

ZOE CRICK: We can keep the music going, Phil, and we can let the people know they’re not alone. Abel Township has medicine and doctors and we’re not going to let anyone scare us into withholding help from people who need it. Not now, and not ever.

Nothing Else To Do

ZOE CRICK: [whispers] Did you hear? About what the Last Riders did to Runner Sixty-Four?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [whispers] I still can’t believe it. How could anyone do that?

ZOE CRICK: Apparently, they decided that Abel runners are a special kind of sport, especially Runner Five. They all want to get Runner Five.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [sighs] It’s awful. It’s just awful.

ZOE CRICK: But Janine’s going to come up with a plan to turn things around. She has to. That’s what she does. That’s what she always does.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, Janine’ll come up with something. We just have to hang in there until then.

ZOE CRICK: Should I play some music, help us take our mind off things?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah. Yeah, um… I guess there’s really nothing else we can do.

Good Grief

AMELIA SPENS: I have a little surprise for you, Bernie.

BERNARD PRIOR: Is it a Wonder Woman costume?

AMELIA SPENS: That’s very forward.

BERNARD PRIOR: Apologies. I should try and focus on something else. It’s so difficult! … Is it a Wonder Woman costume? You didn’t actually say it wasn’t.

AMELIA SPENS: It isn’t.

BERNARD PRIOR: What, then? What else could I possibly want?

AMELIA SPENS: I got something on the comms last night. I think it’s a sighting of your friend Margot.

BERNARD PRIOR: Margot? Good… good grief. Let me put some music on while I take a look.

Remains A Mystery

BERNARD PRIOR: Listeners, I am not sure how to begin. After the fall of the government and the removal of most of our barricades and borders, I tried to locate my erstwhile paramour Margot, but could find no trace of her. I assumed that in all the upheaval she had moved on, unsure of the depth of my feelings for her. Listeners, I had not moved on.

As I’m sure many of you know, boats leave our fair shores from time to time in search of fortune, fame, a life less zombified, and in these trying times, this has increased. Amelia has discovered a copy of a recent ship’s manifest, The Radiant, with a passenger, one Margot Beresford. But most of the information on the document was redacted, and where that ship was headed or if it ever reached land remains a mystery. So I guess that’s that. She’s gone.

Perhaps Another Meme

BERNARD PRIOR: Spinning the hits and sizzling up your airwaves with news, views, and film reviews. Or movie review, if you prefer. I’m not precious. Careful listeners, bless you all. Um… perhaps another meme would cheer me up. It’s worth a try.

Golden Oldie

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Good morning, listeners, and welcome to a very, very special show. It’s our first ever edition of Radio New Hope Springwatch.

ZOE CRICK: Oh, I can’t believe Janine let us do this!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [laughs] Oh, she didn’t exactly let us. She installed those new cameras in the forest to look after runners and Sam only set up monitors in our studio because you promised I’d babysit -

ZOE CRICK: Look, a badger!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I think that’s actually a zombie torso in a black and white jumper.

ZOE CRICK: Oh. Yeah, so it is.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: It’s crawling along a brisk clip though, I’ll give you that.

ZOE CRICK: But stick with us, listeners. We have access to half a dozen cameras all across the leafy forest and we’ll be sitting right here until we spot something cute and fluffy to report to you!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Or until we spot anything that’s not a zombie, really.

ZOE CRICK: And while we’re waiting, here’s a golden oldie to help us pass the time.

Empathise So Strongly

ZOE CRICK: Another squirrel on camera 3! Oh, look at it go with that big fluffy tail!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Still not a red one, though. I want to see a proper British squirrel.

ZOE CRICK: Eurasian squirrel.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: What?

ZOE CRICK: Red squirrels were common all across Eurasia until the gray ones started taking their territory in Europe.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: But you still think the gray ones are cute, right? You get all excited every time we’ve seen one.

ZOE CRICK: It’s not the squirrels’ fault that people introduced them to a new habitat. Blame humans for that. That’s like being mad at cats because the dodo went extinct.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Or mad at zombies because humans unleashed them on the world. Do you… do you think the red squirrels saw gray squirrels as a kind of zombie apocalypse?

ZOE CRICK: Because their world got taken over by gray uncanny versions of themselves? Actually, now that I think about it, gray squirrels carry a deadly virus that can infect red squirrels through bodily fluids.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Huh. I never thought I’d empathize so strongly with squirrels.

Another Meme

BERNARD PRIOR: Ahoy-hoy, listeners. Come very close to the wireless. I am going to be forced to whisper. You never know who’s listening in New Canton. Well, strictly speaking, you do know who is listening. Just, it’s hard to be sure whether she is or not.

Now Amelia, bless and keep her, is away on business, so I have decided to give the content of my show a delicate tweak. Yes, to hell with the consequences! I am bringing back my political philosophy. She’ll never know, will she, listeners? So stay, as we say in the wireless biz, tuned. However, before we get into that, I also have, as per my plaintive request, another meme! Right after this.

A Little Political Philosophy

BERNARD PRIOR: So it’s a picture again. And if you do have any memes that are not mainly pictorial, please do send them my way, as this can get a little laborious. However, here we have… Oh, how jolly. It’s a picture of Kermit the Frog. Delightful! And there is a second frog in the picture, this one wearing a hooded black cloak, that appears to also be Kermit himself again, whispering into the first, or the ur-Kermit’s, ear.

Okay, jolly good! Now as before, there is a second picture where the image has been amusingly captioned. Ur-Kermit is labeled “me” and is thinking, “This cache of food and weapons is an incredible find!” The second cloaked and perhaps evil Kermit is labeled “also me” and is thinking, as a further thought, “Don’t tell anyone about it!” Is this a meme about Amelia?

And coming up, while the meme frog is away, the Bernard can play and perhaps pluck up the bally nerve to impart a little political philosophy. Do I dare?

Dying Of Boredom

AMELIA SPENS: Bernard, it makes no difference if you whisper because one, my listening devices, which I do not have and are not planted everywhere, are highly sensitive. And two, because you are broadcasting everything.

BERNARD PRIOR: Ah, that is quite a good point. Is that why you’re back early?

AMELIA SPENS: Early, and it would seem, in the nick of time. People will be literally tossing their radios off buildings to make it stop.

BERNARD PRIOR: That’s an exaggeration. Uh, listeners, if you have thrown your radio off a building, please write in -

AMELIA SPENS: I keep telling you, Bernard, literally and figuratively mean the same thing now. So please, would you get along and play some tunes? I am literally dying of boredom.

BERNARD PRIOR: Now look here -

AMELIA SPENS: Ah ah ah! Ah ah! “Choon”, spelled C H -

BERNARD PRIOR: I know how it’s spelled.

AMELIA SPENS: And that meme is not about me! Yes, I heard that, too.

Flying Free

ZOE CRICK: Welcome back to Radio New Hope Springwatch, listeners. With us in the studio we have Nadia Al Hanaki, who’s our resident bird of prey expert.

NADIA AL HANAKI: [laughs] Oh, I’m not really an expert. I took a few falconry lessons as a teenager, until a bird tried to bite me.

ZOE CRICK: But you’re the closest thing we could find on short notice. What can you tell us about the birds we’re seeing on our nature watch cams now, Nadia?

NADIA AL HANAKI: Uh, I think that one’s a magpie? I don’t really know.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Was it a big bird?

NADIA AL HANAKI: What?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: The one who tried to bite you.

NADIA AL HANAKI: Oh, she was big enough for me. I was a skinny wee teenager and she was this big, beautiful red-tailed hawk. Wingspan must have been at least three feet. Crimson, she was called. I wish I’d stuck with her, sometimes. I probably would have ended up a pilot rather than working in air traffic control.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Maybe she’s still out there somewhere. I bet a lot of birds have flown their cages, what with the end of the world and all.

NADIA AL HANAKI: That’s a nice thought. Her keeper always said she’d try to unlock her cage if he didn’t feed her on time.

ZOE CRICK: In that case, this next song goes out to Crimson. Wherever you are, girl, we hope you’re flying free.

Mulan's Really Good

ZOE CRICK: What got you interested in falconry in the first place, Nadia?

NADIA AL HANAKI: Kes was always my favorite film as a kid.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Kes? The devastatingly sad Ken Loach drama?

NADIA AL HANAKI: Yeah.

ZOE CRICK: I could never make it to the end of that one. Not after people told me what was going to happen.

NADIA AL HANAKI: It just seemed real to me. I had all these friends at school trying to get me into Disney movies, but they were just bright colors and happy endings. I knew the world wasn’t like that, even as a kid.

ZOE CRICK: Mulan’s really good, though.

NADIA AL HANAKI: Yeah, Mulan is really good.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Because no matter how real sadness may seem, folks, we all need happy endings now and then. And we’ll be back with more Radio New Hope Springwatch right after the next song.

New Furry Friends

ZOE CRICK: It’s a fox! On camera 2!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Zoe, if this is another Sainsbury’s bag caught on a tree - Oh my God, that actually is a fox!

ZOE CRICK: Two foxes! Oh look! There’s a cub next to the big one.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Listeners, this is a cornerstone moment for New Hope Springwatch. Zoe and I can see one large fox and one smaller fox.

ZOE CRICK: Two smaller foxes! Three smaller foxes! Oh look, there’s a den by that tree, where you can see more heads poking out of it!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: That’s right, listeners, you heard it here first. Zoe and I have officially laid eyes on Abel’s very own fox family.

ZOE CRICK: Did you know that foxes are technically dogs, but they have vertical pupils and retractable claws like cats? And a group of foxes is called a skulk, which is perfect, because that’s exactly how they move?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I’m sensing great excitement from my cohost here, listeners.

ZOE CRICK: Look at the littlest cub! He’s got a scar over one eye, bless him. [overcome with emotion] Oh, they’re so cute. Oh, this is the best day!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [laughs] You know, I think it might be! And we’ll have more on our new furry friends after the next song.

Enough Nature For Now

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Welcome back to Radio New Hope Springwatch, listeners. Zoe and I are still keeping an eye on our little fox family.

ZOE CRICK: It looks like a mother and three cubs in a den together. I wonder where the father is. Foxes are supposed to raise their cubs together.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hmm. Maybe something happened to him.

ZOE CRICK: Must be hard for them. There are all these zombies in the forest, shuffling and groaning. I bet they scare the animals.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Ah, ah, that must be the dad fox approaching the den. Oh, he’s got food for the family. Wait, is that a human arm in his mouth?

ZOE CRICK: [shudders] A rotten human arm.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You don’t think… maybe…

ZOE CRICK: Well, there are lots of zombies in the forest, plus all the dead zombies that runners have killed. Foxes do eat carrion.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: And now the foxes have all gathered around the severed arm and they’re eating it together as a family. That’s, um… sort of heartwarming, I guess? I think the arm used to belong to a postal worker. Looks like the sleeve of a Royal Mail jacket.

ZOE CRICK: Maybe we should just play another song?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah. Yeah, that’s probably enough nature for now, listeners. Let’s play another song.

About... Everyone?

BERNARD PRIOR: Thrilling news, gentle listeners! Another Kermit-based meme has graced my postbag, and this one is highly relevant to my interests. Here, the standard Kermit - “me” as before - is thinking, “Abide by Amelia’s editorial policy.” And the cloaked evil Kermit – again, “also me” - is thinking, “Broadcast political philosophy. What can she really do about it?” Is this meme about everyone?

Contain A Message

BERNARD PRIOR: But what, dear listeners, what would serve and enlighten you the most? Perhaps Kermit represents the duality of the self, the ego and the id. Perhaps these memes themselves contain a message for moi, yours truly. Should I be examining what my deepest self truly wants? Do I dare?

Simpler Time

ZOE CRICK: Zoe Crick here, bringing you the late night news update. The gang known as the Last Riders has attacked three more settlements today. Haddebrook, Battlesfield, and Lilson. Out of a combined population of 612 people, only 23 survivors have been reported. As with previous attacks, the Riders struck at nightfall and used flaming catapults to disrupt their targets. In the case of Lilson, they are also thought to have poisoned the local water supply.

As ever, we will keep you updated on Rider behavior as we learn more. As many people know, Abel is setting up crisis centers to deal with refugees displaced by the Riders or V-type attacks. If you’d like to assist with the preparations, please report to Jody Marsh as soon as possible. Abel has always been here for people in need. We will all get through this and we will do it together.

Later tonight, Cooking With Steve Sissay, and Steve is going to show us how to boil an egg with homemade explosives. But first, some music from a simpler time.

A What, Now?

AMELIA SPENS: Bernie, I do feel for you. You’ve had a difficult time lately and I am so sorry about Margot. I did hope it would be better news.

BERNARD PRIOR: Are you okay?

AMELIA SPENS: Of course! Can’t I simply express empathy for a friend?

BERNARD PRIOR: Not usually, no.

AMELIA SPENS: Well, things are different. I have more empathy now I’m a mother.

BERNARD PRIOR: You’re a what now?

A Saxophone Player

AMELIA SPENS: A mother. But surely this is not an alien concept, even to you. You know, like a nanny but unpaid.

BERNARD PRIOR: I know what a mother is. I just wasn’t aware that you had entered the sanctified state of motherhood. Where did you get a baby?

AMELIA SPENS: You know those babies we rescued?

BERNARD PRIOR: You adopted one of them? That’s uncharacteristically selfless.

AMELIA SPENS: Thanks. Yes, kind of. I actually adopted five, except not. Okay, here’s the thing. I have five potential children in a small crèche facility. I’m waiting to see which one of them I prefer. I’m going to pick the best one out when they’re 16.

BERNARD PRIOR: But you can’t do that!

AMELIA SPENS: Why not? A lot more sensible than picking a random baby. What a terrible idea! Who knows what you’ll get? Jug ears. A saxophone player.

Celebrity Run

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Clint Eastwood.

ZOE CRICK: Oh, that’s such a boring choice.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Come on. The Man with No Name, good with a six-shooter, always knows where to find a poncho. He’d keep you alive, at least.

ZOE CRICK: [sighs] If you’re just joining us, ladies and gentlemen, Phil and I are discussing which pre-apocalypse actor we’d most like to have by our side on a scavenging run.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Based on all the characters they’ve played.

ZOE CRICK: And there’s no choosing Tilda Swinton because we’ve all heard the rumor that she survived Z-Day and is currently ruling a small kingdom up in the Scottish Highlands.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: So go on then, Zoe. What about you?

ZOE CRICK: Meryl Streep.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, come on. Everyone always says Meryl Streep in games like this.

ZOE CRICK: Yeah, but think about it. She’s played a witch, a rock star, and a prime minister. Not my favorite prime minister, but still, that’s a pretty broad skill set. Plus, you know she’d be able to carry a decent conversation, unlike Mr. Silent But Deadly in a Poncho. I mean, what’s the point of surviving the apocalypse if you’re just going to stand there glaring at each other?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah. Actually, that’s a fair argument. All right, ladies and gents. Later on, we’ll have Maxine Myers and her home medical remedy hour, but for now, stick with us. Why don’t you listeners let us know – when it comes to the end of the world, which celebrity would you like to share a run with?

Saltmarsh Woods

BERNARD PRIOR: Listeners, excuse me broadcasting at this late hour. I’ve had a very intriguing letter from an outpost on Flintrock Island. It seems they had a visitor recently who overheard an old broadcast of my humble show that they happened to have playing to calm their goats. I’ll gloss over that. And this visitor said Margot’s ship the Radiant was wrecked further up the coast. All the survivors are in a temporary settlement in Saltmarsh Woods.

10 Worst MGM Musicals

ZOE CRICK: Wow, people seem to really like Arnold Schwarzenegger.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I guess the Terminator would do pretty well against zombies.

ZOE CRICK: Yeah, but he might just turn around and terminate you afterwards.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Especially if he heard your imitation of his accent.

ZOE CRICK: [poor imitation of Arnold Schwarzenegger] I’ll be back.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, you’ve never actually been to Austria, have you?

ZOE CRICK: Actually, I have when I was younger.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, really?

ZOE CRICK: Yeah. I went interrailing around Europe on my own when I was 18. Cheapest possible gap year. Thought it might help me find myself.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: And did it?

ZOE CRICK: Mm, it helped me find really cheap wine in Austria.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Huh.

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] And if you’re still listening folks, we’re picking celebrity companions for the zombie apocalypse based on the characters they played. Later today, Peter Lynne will be joining us for his countdown of the 10 worst MGM musicals. But first, a song that’s always popular with our audience.

There Are Limits

BERNARD PRIOR: So if we could just amplify the signal, as Saltmarsh Woods is beyond my broadcast area -

AMELIA SPENS: How much will this cost?

BERNARD PRIOR: I’ve got a list here from Jody. New amplifier, resistor circuit, cathodes… I’m not sure what any of these words mean, but surely we can get these things for a matter this crucial.

AMELIA SPENS: But it’s not crucial! It’s just your old girlfriend. Your old girlfriend who may or may not be in Saltmarsh woods.

BERNARD PRIOR: I thought you said you cared more, had more empathy because of your child. Your five potential children.

AMELIA SPENS: There are limits, Bernard. I have some empathy. I’m not Deanna Troi.

BERNARD PRIOR: Can I appeal to your better nature?

AMELIA SPENS: No.

The Game Is On

BERNARD PRIOR: I’ve had another letter from my listener in Flintrock Island. Apparently, they have a transmitter. They broadcast a very popular show about goat rearing. Doing great numbers, apparently. How nice for them. And they suggest if I broadcast a message and they rebroadcast it, their signal might reach as far as Saltmarsh Woods. The game is on, listeners.

Post-Apocalypse Leadership

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Are we sure this is a good idea? I mean, the two of you don’t exactly get on.

JANINE DE LUCA: Needs must, Mr. Cheeseman. The country has no government. Settlements have already begun turning on each other. Showing unity with our neighbors has never been more important.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, but having you and Amelia host a show together -

JANINE DE LUCA: - will demonstrate to the public that Abel and Fort Canton remain allies at the highest level. As the Ministry taught us, public perception is vital.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: How did you persuade Amelia to go along with this, anyway?

ZOE CRICK: I may have promised her… things. You probably don’t want to know.

[door opens]

AMELIA SPENS: Right, here I am in this dank little studio when I could be at home having a scented oil bath with a handsome masseuse. I hope you all appreciate my devotion to diplomacy. Hello, Janine. You look dour as ever.

JANINE DE LUCA: Miss Spens.

AMELIA SPENS: Zoe dear, I see your co-host is doing his rabbit in headlights impression again.

ZOE CRICK: Come on, Phil. It’s getting a little crowded in here. Let’s give these two some space. Listeners, Phil and I will be leaving you for a while, but after the next song, Janine De Luca and Amelia Spens will be on the air to answer all your questions about leadership in the post-apocalyptic age.

Musical Interlude

JANINE DE LUCA: We have our first question from Lucille Bador in Abel. Lucille asks, “Janine and Amelia, what does leadership mean to you?” It’s a potent question, Ms. Bador. I believe that being a leader means embracing onerous tasks wherever necessary, if it’s for the greater good.

AMELIA SPENS: No, it doesn’t.

JANINE DE LUCA: Excuse me?

AMELIA SPENS: Honestly Janine, it’s like you’ve never learned anything from me. Being a leader means finding other people to handle the onerous tasks while you focus on the more important things.

JANINE DE LUCA: The philosophy that led you to frame Jody Marsh for treason so you could concentrate on your criminal enterprises, I assume.

AMELIA SPENS: See, you do understand. You’re really quite good-looking when you frown like that.

JANINE DE LUCA: Irreverence, flirtation, deflection, distraction. These, listeners, are the hallmarks of a leadership style that values sparkle infinitely more than substance.

AMELIA SPENS: I’ll have you know that I value sparkle and substance equally.

JANINE DE LUCA: Noted, I’m sure. And we will be back with more questions and answers after the following musical interlude.

Retain Some Dignity

AMELIA SPENS: Aha, this question looks promising.

JANINE DE LUCA: I dread to think what kind of promise.

AMELIA SPENS: Bob Smith from Fort Canton asks, “Janine, how is it you manage to make absolutely any hairstyle look severe no matter how little effort you put in?” That’s a good question, Bob, and in no way one I encouraged you to ask while you were polishing my mantelpiece this morning.

JANINE DE LUCA: Is there any topic you cannot reduce to frivolity, Miss Spens?

AMELIA SPENS: If there is, I want it found and shot at once.

JANINE DE LUCA: I think that answers my question. Another song, shall we? While this exercise still retains some dignity.

Happy To Move On

JANINE DE LUCA: We have a question here from Susan Khan in Abel. She says, “Hello, Amelia. Everyone wants to know, what’s the deal between you and Mr. Valmont? What’s the history there?” An intriguing, if colloquial, question, Ms. Khan.

AMELIA SPENS: The deal is he’s the worst person in the world, nobody should trust him, and we’re moving on to the next question.

JANINE DE LUCA: We appear to have struck a nerve, listeners. It’s not like you to be taciturn, Miss Spens. You’re normally so determinedly loquacious.

AMELIA SPENS: Has anybody told you you have a real face for radio, Janine? Particularly when you’re looking smug.

JANINE DE LUCA: Now Miss Spens, given your attitude towards Mr. Valmont, it seems rather churlish of you to withhold information about him. The details of your relationship could be tactically vital to both our settlements.

AMELIA SPENS: Oh, I can think of much better gossip about old lovers, Janine. Tell me, did our dear Simon slash Peter ever tell you about his Spice Girls fetish?

JANINE DE LUCA: Excuse me?

AMELIA SPENS: Or his involuntary interest in Catholic churches? The particular thing he likes to do with tea cozies? He’s always so eager to impress you. I bet he hasn’t confessed half of the things he got up to with me.

JANINE DE LUCA: That’s not – I don’t – I don’t think – My relationship with Mr. Lynne is hardly relevant!

AMELIA SPENS: Oh dear, it seems Janine may need a moment to collect herself, listeners. I’ll play some more music, shall I? And when we come back, I think we’ll both be very happy to move on to the next question.

Wrap This Up

AMELIA SPENS: Admit it, you’re impressed. I can see it on your face.

JANINE DE LUCA: I shall admit no such thing.

AMELIA SPENS: You’ll have to forgive Janine, listeners. She’s just realized that almost all of the questions from Fort Canton are describing me in the same adoring tone.

JANINE DE LUCA: But no provocation from you, I’m sure.

AMELIA SPENS: Face it, Janine. I’m doing a good job as their leader. Crime rates are down, access to clean water and electricity is up, and I’ve made Moonchild therapists available to anyone in need. I may be unscrupulous, but I know how to run a show.

JANINE DE LUCA: I’d never deny that.

AMELIA SPENS: You wouldn’t?

JANINE DE LUCA: You have always had a talent for making wheels turn. I noticed that Fort Canton is enjoying a sudden glut of luxury goods. Alcohol, sugars, clothing that was of notable worth prior to the apocalypse.

AMELIA SPENS: Well, it does have a rather thriving marketplace.

JANINE DE LUCA: You know exactly how to make people happy, Miss Spens. Your problem is that you do it for yourself and not for them.

AMELIA SPENS: I know that was a criticism, but I just can’t work it out.

JANINE DE LUCA: And that, listeners, is the most telling thing of all. Another song, I think, and then it will be time to wrap this up.

Interest Of Co-operation

JANINE DE LUCA: And our last question of the day is from Stuart Copefield in Abel’s corps of engineers. Stuart asks, “When the days seem darkest, when the end of the world seems inescapable, what keeps you going?”

AMELIA SPENS: Château d'Yquem, chocolate truffles, and sex. You’ll have a much duller answer, I assume, Janine.

JANINE DE LUCA: Duty. In times of hardship, Stuart, there is only one question to ask yourself: what is my duty? Once you have that, trust in it and it will guide you through all else.

AMELIA SPENS: I think we all know whose answer was better. [yawns] Well, I’d love to stay to flaunt my successes over Janine some more, listeners, but I have a meeting with the New Canton footwear guild and I simply must pick up the new shoes they owe me.

JANINE DE LUCA: Yes, Abel’s electrical systems are in need of urgent repair work and I have committed to assisting with it.

AMELIA SPENS: How do we decide which one of us gets the last word?

JANINE DE LUCA: I think we should leave our outro to the musicians, Miss Spens.

AMELIA SPENS: Yes. In the interests of cooperation, why not? And never say I don’t do anything nice.

Never Gets Old

ZOE CRICK: I think that went well, didn’t it?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: About as well as could be expected, I guess.

ZOE CRICK: I mean, they didn’t kill each other. Abel and Fort Canton aren’t at war.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah. Let’s chalk that one up as a success, shall we, listeners?

ZOE CRICK: And to celebrate, here’s a track that never seems to get old.

Bernard Is Reaching Out

BERNARD PRIOR: Another letter. This one is from Graygull Bay. They heard the radio station on Flintrock Island talking about my sorry plight in a segment on their bafflingly popular goat show about calming goats with the sound of my voice. And as they are halfway between the island and Saltmarsh Woods, they have agreed to rebroadcast what they hear from Flintrock Island! They are definitely close enough to get the signal as far as Saltmarsh. Goodness gracious, Bernard is reaching out, listeners!

Delicate Patience

BERNARD PRIOR: Ahoy. Ahoy-hoy. As you may remember, dear listeners, Margot was the paramour of one of my best friends, and as such, off limits back in the wild days of my youth when we were last in touch. And I told you nothing had ever happened between us, and that is true, my dear hearts. Very true. However, there was always a frisson, a delicious unspoken frisson. There was a night I’ll always remember. It was at university, one of those balmy summer nocturnes. The air was sweet and heavy. Insects buzzed. The moon shone soft and fat in the sky.

We’d been reveling, I forget where, but I walked Margot home, both of us rather merry. She wore a sundress. I remember walking behind her and watching her luscious round shoulders. I picked a flower from a bed as we passed, a great pink peony. Oh Margot, I think maybe I would have been bolder that night, but I had never known the touch of a woman and I was bashful that you would find me gauche and inexperienced.

Oh, enough of this mush, listeners. Thank you humbly for your delicate patience.

Raps Are The Way Forward

AMELIA SPENS: I don’t think listeners need to hear any more of your romantic misfires, Bernard. Look, if you must enlighten us about your past, could you tell us about relationships that actually went somewhere? I’ve had more than enough tragedy.

BERNARD PRIOR: It’s relatable. So many people have lost loved ones.

AMELIA SPENS: Exactly! And they don’t want to hear about it on the radio. They want some fun! Lightweight stuff. [teary voice] If I have to listen one more time to how much you loved Margot and how you should have been together… It’s too much!

BERNARD PRIOR: Amelia, are you by any chance feeling an emotional connection to my story of lost love and woe?

AMELIA SPENS: Of course not. Don’t be so ridiculous. I’m just telling you to keep it light and snappy. What about another rap? I hear you’ve had letters about them.

BERNARD PRIOR: I thought you specifically said they would result in instant cancellation of my show.

AMELIA SPENS: Did I? I’ve changed my mind. I think raps are the way forward.

Charming

BERNARD PRIOR: Ahoy-hoy to all of you, gentle listeners, fellow travelers. Goodness me, I’ve had another message from Flintrock Island and goatery. They are ready to relay a message on to Graygull Bay. All I have to do is prepare it. This is going to take some serious thought. And of course, there is one small obstacle to overcome.

AMELIA SPENS: Charming.

No Fear Of Cancellation

AMELIA SPENS: No, no, absolutely not. I cannot allow further broadcasts of your romantic misery. One more breath of it and your show is off the air.

BERNARD PRIOR: But the listeners are very invested! I’ve had over five letters.

AMELIA SPENS: Six letters?

BERNARD PRIOR: Yes, but that’s a bumper postbag for old Bernie P. I don’t have the audience-pleasing mass numbers of Flintrock’s Goat Hour, 60 pure goaty minutes.

AMELIA SPENS: Oh, I love that show! They have a strand called Goats in Coats where people send in pictures of their goats wearing coats and they describe them.

BERNARD PRIOR: Really?

AMELIA SPENS: Yes, it’s charming. Now if you could find a way to make your lovelorn hopelessness as thrilling as that, you could broadcast it happily with no fear of cancellation.

BERNARD PRIOR: I see.

Say What!

BERNARD PRIOR: Okay, Margot, I hope you’re listening. [raps] Hey Margot, you gotta see, way back at university, when I gave you that peony, I wish you’d taken my [makes a record scratch sound with his voice] word as a gentleman that I found you more beautiful than any flower that blooms on this earth. Say what??

Ahoy...hoy?

BERNARD PRIOR: Listeners, Flintrock have informed me that they broadcast my rap as part of their highly popular goat-based extravaganza and it was successfully relayed to Graygull Bay who rebroadcast it with a signal that would have reached Saltmarsh Woods and the supposed site of the wrecked Radiant. It’s silly, isn’t it? To expect anything. After all, I didn’t even have any firm information that it was the Radiant that was shipwrecked there. But I’ve done all I can.

[door opens]

AMELIA SPENS: Bernard, I just heard.

BERNARD PRIOR: I’m not really in the mood for another film right now, Amelia. Perhaps later in the week.

AMELIA SPENS: I’m not here for that, Bern. I just got a list of new applicants to join New Canton residency scheme.

BERNARD PRIOR: I really don’t want to be involved in promoting your immigration points schemes.

AMELIA SPENS: No Bern, it’s not about that, although they make a great deal of sense. It’s about one of the names. It’s Margot Beresford.

BERNARD PRIOR: Oh… Ahoy-hoy?

Cyanide or Whatever

ZOE CRICK: It has been brought to my attention by a certain party that our studio, while lovely, could use a few more home touches.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: A certain party? Hhmm, would this happen to be someone’s special friend?

ZOE CRICK: You mean Amelia?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: A certain fiendish confectionery poisoner?

ZOE CRICK: Yes, Amelia.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: A desecrator of chocolates for whom nothing is sacred?

ZOE CRICK: Are you finished?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, that was the last one.

ZOE CRICK: For the record, I was no happier than you were about the chocolate incident. If you’ll recall, I strongly objected to said poisoning and took action accordingly.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, as long as you objected. Wouldn’t want anyone to accuse you of being pro-poison.

ZOE CRICK: Thank you. Though I’m sure it has its place. If poison worked on these V-types, I’d be the first one lined up with arsenic or cyanide or whatever.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I think we all would. And now for a song that speaks to the killer in all of us.

More Murderous Thoughts

ZOE CRICK: Do you think that the zombies have made us all a little more murderous? I mean, you think of what people had to do in the early days. There were some hard choices to make.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: It’s not murder. That’s survival. And it’s not like there have been a lot of serial killers popping up in settlements, leaving notes made out of letters cut from old newspapers.

ZOE CRICK: You’re thinking of kidnappers. Serial killers usually just write weird things on the walls by the bodies in blood.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: And now I’m remembering why I never watched any of those true crime shows.

ZOE CRICK: Really? Oh, I loved them. Confessions of a Killer, The Murder in the Market, A Slasher’s Secrets. [sighs] Nothing makes you appreciate life more than seeing all the people who disregard it.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: That actually may make sense. We’ll be back with more murderous thoughts in a moment, listeners.

Orphan Farm Girl Elra

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Why did people like watching those true crime shows, anyway? Or reading about horrible killers?

ZOE CRICK: Why do people like anything? Why have some people, for example, tried to start a small book club to analyze the use of magic in each of the books of Rajit’s epic fantasy series?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I don’t know what you’re talking about. No people have done that.

ZOE CRICK: I saw the flyer, Phil. “The club of books discusses The Hoop of Moments.” It’s almost poetic. Almost.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Not my club. I was just asked to join. In fact, you could say I’m a celebrity guest. After our dramatic reading of The Hoop of Moments, I’ve picked up some fans. Apparently, my wizard voice is [dramatic wizard voice] both magical and terrifying!

ZOE CRICK: [giggles] Well, I agree with the second one. And…

PHIL CHEESEMAN: And?

ZOE CRICK: And what about my voice? When we did those readings, I put a lot of heart into them. My orphan farm girl Elra was especially plucky.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Let’s uh, focus on some other voices for a moment with this next song.

Favourable Results

ZOE CRICK: I hope you know I’ve done a poll.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Is this the beginning of a story of you, Amelia, and an inanimate object? Because I just got over the one about the -

ZOE CRICK: (speaks over PHIL) Not a pole, a poll.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You know those sound exactly the same, right?

ZOE CRICK: A poll of our listeners.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, a poll! What about?

ZOE CRICK: About our dramatic reading skills. Since apparently you have a fan club, I wanted to get the listeners’ opinion on our relative talents.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hmm.

ZOE CRICK: It’s early, but the results are very much in my favor.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Are they, now? And how is this poll being run, exactly?

ZOE CRICK: Let’s not worry about that. Time to listen to a song.

A Celebrity Appearance

ZOE CRICK: And now it’s time for some fun with numbers.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Somehow that never turns out to actually be true. Not now, not when Mrs. Darren said it in primary school and forced us to learn the times tables -

ZOE CRICK: We can relive your troubled youth another time. Today, we’re celebrating that 100% of listeners polled ranked my fantasy novel reading voice as a five out of five and said that my orphan farm girl had the perfect amount of pluckiness.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: And how many listeners did you poll about this, exactly?

ZOE CRICK: Exact numbers are confidential, but it may have been my Demons and Darkness campaign group. And Amelia.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Ah. A select few.

ZOE CRICK: And I may not have told them exactly what the numbers were for.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Sounds very scientific. You could have just asked to join the fantasy book club, you know. You’re always welcome.

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] Thanks. I might stop by one of these days, make a celebrity appearance of my own, gin things up.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: It’s always good to be in the presence of a star. Stay tuned, listeners. We’ll be right back.

Off the Rails

PAULA COHEN: Hello, everyone. I’m Dr. Paula Cohen, and welcome to Ask Dr. Maxine. Uh, Maxie is off on an important errand today, and maybe we should have put more thought into the name of the segment. Hmm. Anyway, I’m filling in, so I hope you’ll send your post-apocalyptic medical questions to us via ROFFLEnet, SNEAKERnet, or just chucked over the fence. Well, maybe not that last one, come to think of it. We have protocols for things chucked over the fence, and they don’t include reading them. Oh, hmm. That seems to have gone off the rails immediately. Anyway, get your questions in somehow and I’ll start by answering the first one after this song.

Sports-Bra Elbow

PAULA COHEN: Hello again. This is Dr. Paula Cohen, back with Ask Dr. Maxine, your finest and possibly only source of post-apocalyptic medical advice. Our first question comes from Abel Runner, who asks, “Is it possible to suffer from sports bra elbow exacerbated by the repetitive motion of stuffing sports bras and other clothing collected on supply runs into your backpack?” Well, Abel Runner, the short answer is yes. The tendon strain injury commonly known as tennis elbow can be caused by the motion of scooping up clothing, shaking it to make sure it’s free of insects and zombie bits, and reaching over your shoulder to drop it in a backpack. The good news is that the treatment is relatively straightforward and I’ll get into how to apply it right after this song.

Less Pain

PAULA COHEN: Hello, medical malfeasants. Today, we’re talking about tendon strain and tendonitis and how to prevent and treat it in the post-apocalypse. As with the majority of medical problems, it is generally better to prevent tendon strain than to try to cure it once it happens. The best way to prevent tendinitis is to avoid repetitive motions and to observe good ergonomics when you are forced to perform them. Unfortunately, ducking swipes from zoms is not that easy to, uh, dodge.

Another option, as those of you who have been through Maxie’s Couch to 5K runner training program know, is to strengthen the tendons and muscles with resistance exercise. But what to do if you’ve already hurt yourself? Well, the first line of treatment is rest, of course. And equally of course, that’s not always realistic in the apocalypse. Sometimes you just have to run. We’ll be back with some tips on how to do that with less pain after these tuneful stylings.

Rest and Heal

SAM YAO: “Tuneful stylings”? You’ve been listening to Bernard again, haven’t you?

PAULA COHEN: [clears throat] Welcome back to Ask Dr. Maxine. I’m Dr. Paula Cohen and that was our engineer, Sam Yao. Today, we’re talking about the proper treatment for sports bra elbow.

SAM YAO: And even if you are already suffering tendon pain, strengthening exercises can help. A small dumbbell or some tin goods can be used as a weight to start with, along with a rolled up tea towel. You can check ROFFLEnet for detailed information on the physical therapy options. Uh, look for fist clench and towel twist physical therapy exercises and supination with a dumbbell.

PAULA COHEN: Performing those exercises regularly should help solve the pain and also prevent reoccurrence. Additionally, you can try strapping or taping the tendon. This is particularly effective with elbows, as it happens. The idea is to pin the tendon to the bone above the strained insertion point, thereby alleviating the pain and giving the insertion point a chance to rest and heal. I hope that helps. We’ll be back with more questions after this song.

Self-Diagnosis

PAULA COHEN: Hello, and welcome back to Ask Dr. Maxine. I’m Dr. Paula Cohen and uh, I’m not Dr. Maxine. Maxie’s on a special assignment to another settlement for a couple of days, so today I’m answering your post-apocalyptic medical questions. Today, Depressed in Deptford would like to know, “With the turn of the world, it can be pretty tough to find motivation to execute runs, not to mention the environment both inside and outside of safety can be pretty depressing. Any advice to help keep some of those pesky mental demons at bay?”

Well, Depressed in Deptford, the main thing I want to remind you of is that you are not the first. Definitely not the first. And you are not alone. The modern climate of danger and instability, our uncertainty of the motivations and suitability of our political leaders, the sense that there’s nothing you can rely on and no institutions you can trust, are very corrosive to mental health. So if your internal narrator is suggesting that you are especially fragile or worse at keeping a stiff upper lip and carrying on than everybody else, well, it’s lying. Futurelessness and unreasonable self-criticism are, as you probably know, symptoms of depression. So congratulations on your accurate self-diagnosis. So what can you do to alleviate the problem? Well, we’ll be right back after this extremely inappropriate song to talk about just that.

Solution

PAULA COHEN: Hello, and welcome back to Ask Dr. Maxine, where we’re talking about how to treat depression in the post-apocalyptic world, which is overrun with zombies and full of people living in fortified settlements in close quarters with a lot of other people they don’t always get along with, while epidemics, government conspiracies, starvation, and a lack of readily accessible psychiatric meds remain a constant risk. I can’t imagine how anybody would become depressed in a utopia such as this, but there you have it.

As you probably know, situational depression and anxiety are treatable conditions, especially when you have access to psychiatric medications. However, those are getting harder to come by as stocks are used up. Moreover, it’s really not recommended to experiment with mood altering medications that you have not used before without the supervision of a medical professional. Some can have severe side effects, and some are contraindicated for certain conditions. For example, SSRI’s are very bad for the emotional stability of people with bipolar disorder. So what’s the solution? Well, I’ll be back with a few options after the break.

Talking To A Friend

PAULA COHEN: I know, Sam, but maybe we could vet these a little better. Some of them are awfully close to home.

SAM YAO: Yeah. [laughs] Well, Janine thinks the element of surprise is just… Oh, we’re back.

PAULA COHEN: Right, sorry. So here we are at the end of the world, discussing what to do if you’re depressed about the world ending. The first thing to remember is that talk therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy were the gold standards of treatment in their times and they can still be effective here in the future. The shortcoming of both is that they require the assistance of a trained therapist and those are not always easy to locate. I mean, it wasn’t easy to find a good one before the world ended, and now… but sometimes just talking to a friend can help. Or keeping a journal, if you’re currently isolated or under siege by zoms. Another treatment – Oh, I see Sam waving at me. It’s time for a song. We’ll be back with more treatment options in moments.

Anxiety Loop

PAULA COHEN: Welcome back to Ask Dr. Maxine. I’m not Dr. Maxine, and today we’re talking about how to treat your totally justified situational depression. One of the most effective treatment modalities for depression currently available to us, shown in pre-apocalypse clinical trials to be at least as effective as medication, is good old exercise. If you are physically capable, running for example can not only help regulate brain chemistry, but can give a patient a sense of control and even purpose, especially if the exercise is performed in the course of duties as a township runner.

Gardening is also effective exercise and has been shown to increase a sense of well-being and, and decreased depression in several pre-apocalypse studies. And every township needs farmers, after all. Additionally, complex physical tasks requiring focus, coordination, and decision making, such as martial arts, climbing, and horseback riding, these can serve as a useful interrupt for an anxiety loop and can also be quite helpful to communities.

Lest I sound like a propaganda loop for the runner’s job, there are some drawbacks to exercise as a treatment for depression. More on that and some other options when we return.

St John's Wort

PAULA COHEN: Hello, and welcome back to Ask Dr. Maxine. Dr. Maxine is still not in evidence. Maxie, if you can hear me, phone home. Please. I’m getting worried.

Today, we’re talking about treatments for depression in the world of tomorrow, which is to say, the zombie-infested world of today. Physical exercise, as I was saying, can be quite effective, but it has some drawbacks. For example, not everyone is capable of strenuous exercise.

Now if you are up to gardening, you can try your hand at growing St. John’s wort or you could try to talk or bribe your local gardener into planting some. The plant is an effective herbal antidepressant for many patients, and dried into tea or powdered for capsules, it’s useful for barter, too. It is, however, subject to the same cautions as SSRIs, and you should be aware that the dosage and concentration of herbal remedies is extremely hard to know. Also for some people, St. John’s wort can have adverse effects on blood pressure in the heart, especially those of us who are lucky enough to have access to aged cheese, red wine, or cured meat, so if your settlement is known for its local charcuterie, be a bit careful. We’ll be back with more answers to your post-apocalyptic health questions right after this.

Perfect Plant

ZOE CRICK: Do you think the studio needs a little sprucing up? Something to make it feel a little more homely?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I don’t know. I kind of like it the way it is. Gets the job done, gets our voices out on the airwaves. And the walls aren’t… hmm, too sticky. What else could you ask for? Don’t say a cat.

ZOE CRICK: I wasn’t going to say a cat. Though now that you mention it…

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Zoe.

ZOE CRICK: A plant. I think we should get a plant.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: And you’re going to take care of this plant, keep it alive?

ZOE CRICK: I might delegate a few tasks. We are a team after all.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I have a bad feeling about this.

ZOE CRICK: Nonsense. Listeners, while Phil and I pick out the perfect plant, take a listen to this.

Our Friend Potassium

PAULA COHEN: Hello, welcome back to Ask Dr. Maxine. I’m Paula Cohen, answering your post-apocalyptic medical questions in Maxine’s absence. Our question today comes from Barbara. She says, “As we all know, food is important to us runners, but sometimes we run out of stock and don’t have enough proper food for all of us. If I have one or two fast days a week, my heart rate decreases and I’m freezing a bit, but no other problems. In the days after though, I often suffer leg cramps. What do I do to avoid them?”

Well Barbara, it’s hard to tell without doing a physical exam, but it sounds like the problem may be dehydration and electrolyte imbalance. The good news is this is pretty easy to treat. First, try to have a small quantity of carbohydrate when exercising, even if it is a fast day. A spoonful or two of sugar in your hydration water can make an amazing difference, especially in hot weather. And if you are underhydrating due to being nauseated after long runs, even 100 calories of carbohydrate can help. Many sporting goods stores will still have energy gel packs on the shelves and those last basically forever. Ah, I see it’s time for a break. We’ll be right back with more on our friend potassium.

Deep Purple

ZOE CRICK: The butterwort is a carnivorous plant that lures, traps, and digests insects for food. Perfect for that corner right over there.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: That’s the plant you want to get to make the studio feel more homey? One that eats insects?

ZOE CRICK: It’s useful, and the flowers are very pretty.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yes, because they’re trying to attract insects to their death like the evil supervillain of the plant world.

ZOE CRICK: Maybe they’re just misunderstood.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Where are you planning to find a butterwort anyway? Do you have a garden full of killer plants somewhere? … Wait, do you?

ZOE CRICK: I wouldn’t say it’s my garden per se, but sometimes Amelia gets me to feed them.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Now it all starts to make sense.

ZOE CRICK: And there’s one that’s really cute.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Cute? It’s a plant. With leaves.

ZOE CRICK: Cute leaves.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You are the only person in England who would find a plant cute.

ZOE CRICK: You only think that because you haven’t seen it. First off, the flowers are purple. Not a deep purple, more of a pink hue. And they’ve got these leaves that are really sort of rubbery, like thick rubbery – [continues in background]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [whispers over ZOE] Uh, this is going to go on for a few minutes, listeners, but don’t go anywhere.

Barking Mad Lizards

ZOE CRICK: Fine, we won’t get a plant for the studio, not even a pretty insect-eating one.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Actually, I wouldn’t mind one that’s just a regular normal plant. One of those boring leafy ones you can’t kill.

ZOE CRICK: Is that even a real thing?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: It is. I had one back in uni. Friend gave it to me, said it was indestructible. Absolutely true.

ZOE CRICK: And how do you know?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, there may have been some incidents. Uh, the beer in the watering can mix up. The time someone used it as a loo. That other time someone grabbed it instead of a sick bucket. You know, turns out Fred would take nourishment from anywhere.

ZOE CRICK: Who’s Fred?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: My plant. Fred.

ZOE CRICK: You named your plant?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah. Fred was a good'un. Used to play him music so he’d grow fast.

ZOE CRICK: That is… actually quite sweet. Did he have any favorites?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Not that I can think of, though he was really not a fan of Barking Mad Lizards. Too much hissing, or maybe it was all the piccolo.

ZOE CRICK: All right Fred, wherever you are, here’s a song you might like a little better.

Mountains of Melvaria

ZOE CRICK: I can’t believe it. I cannot believe it.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I told you the book club was taking Hoop of Moments very seriously and that you might want to re-read the books before you join the next meeting.

ZOE CRICK: There’s taking things seriously and there’s a 25-minute debate about the proper way to pronounce the spell that turns newts into goats

PHIL CHEESEMAN: It really is surprising how often that spell is used in one series.

ZOE CRICK: They know I read the book. We read it on the air. I was there to provide a few fun anecdotes about our experience, maybe read a page or two aloud. Just because I didn’t go back and put sticky notes on every page with pressing questions doesn’t mean I have “only a passing understanding of the world’s true depth.”

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I should have warned you not to disagree with Galvin about his placement of the Mountains of Marveria on the map. Still, that was below the belt and I told them so.

ZOE CRICK: You did, which I appreciate, but -

PHIL CHEESEMAN: - but they do get a little carried away sometimes. I’m sure you said worse in the heat of the moment in Demons and Darkness.

ZOE CRICK: Probably. Well, definitely. [sighs] Fine, no hard feelings. In fact, I’ll play one inspired by my favorite newts to goats transformation. Hoop of Moments fans, this is for you.

Getting the Hang

PAULA COHEN: Welcome back to Ask Dr. Maxine. Today, we’re talking about mineral supplements for runners to prevent those excruciating calf cramps. In the previous segment, we talked about hydration. Almost as important as water and possibly more so for preventing cramp are the minerals potassium, calcium, and magnesium. These are usually supplied through diet, but let’s be honest, nobody has seen a banana this far from the tropics in several years, and tomatoes aren’t readily available year round these days.

However, sweet potatoes and beans are good sources of minerals, and there are often still supplements on shelves at the chemist, as most foragers consider them less important than painkillers or antidepressants or vitamin C when loading up their backpacks. If you know where there’s a zom-free chemist’s, bang around and see if you can pick up a few bottles.

You’ll also be able to score an excellent potassium supplement in most supermarkets if you know where to look. Usually in with the dietetic foods or sometimes in the seasoning aisle, you can find little paper bottles of a product called Low Salt, among other brand names. It’s intended as a salt replacement for people on low sodium diet, but for our purposes, this useful product is 66% potassium chloride, so adding a pinch to your water will convert it into an effective sports drink and help prevent cramping. I hope that helps, Barbara, and we’ll be back in a bit with more listener questions.

SAM YAO: Aw, that was really good, Paula.

PAULA COHEN: I think I’m getting the hang of this!

SAM YAO: Well, your mic is still live.

Max Pax

PAULA COHEN: Hello, I’m Dr. Paula Cohen, and this is the only medical advice call-in show for the post-apocalypse. Today’s question is from Unemployed in Greenland, who asks, “Dear Dr. Mauline…” Mauli-, Mauline. Mauline?

SAM YAO: Um, yep.

PAULA COHEN: Who’s calling us that?

SAM YAO: Uh, basically everybody.

PAULA COHEN: When Max Pax was just sitting there?

SAM YAO: Well, you see, Mauline is uh, more appropriate to the apocalypse.

PAULA COHEN: Ugh. I think I’m gonna play a song.

Habituating

PAULA COHEN: Welcome back to our show. Our current question is from Unemployed in Greenland, who asks, “Dear Dr. Mauline, is it possible to suffer physical withdrawal symptoms from marmite? I – uh, my friend thinks he might be addicted to marmite, leading to understandable anxiety from his close personal friends and relatives. Are there any telltale signs he should look out for, or treatment still available? Stock is running low and I’m concerned.” Well, Unemployed, technically speaking, marmite is habituating rather than addictive… wait a minute. Sam, you slipped this into the pile when I wasn’t looking, didn’t you?

Greeny

ZOE CRICK: Go on, do it. We need a bit of a fanfare for this.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hello ci-ti-zens! I am pleased to announce our first official plant, [robotic voice] Name To Be Determined. That’s not his actual name, of course. We’re still, uh, determining that.

ZOE CRICK: We have to get to know him first before we stick a name on him. So far, he’s very green and leafy and does not, as far as I can tell, like eating bugs. The perfect plant for a charming homely radio studio.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: It does give the place a bit of color.

ZOE CRICK: And so far, it’s been flourishing, just like Fred. Whatever happened to Fred, anyway?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Mm, zombies aside, nothing lives forever. I did still have a plant when the apocalypse started, though. Couldn’t take it with me, of course.

ZOE CRICK: Poor plant.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I’m sure Greeny managed to find a way to go on.

ZOE CRICK: Greeny? Really? You went straight downhill on the names there. What was your next one going to be called, Growy Leaf Thing?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Growy Leaf Thing? Come on. Though now I’ve said it, it does have a little bit of a ring to it.

ZOE CRICK: Oh, you are no longer allowed to name our plant. Or pick the next song. Listeners, here’s one for those of us with better judgment.

Hand-Drawn Cat Pictures

ZOE CRICK: You know, I never would have picked you for a plant lover.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I didn’t say I was a plant lover. More like a plant haver. A plant co-habiter. A plant occasional-waterer.

ZOE CRICK: Don’t you miss having one at home, though? Look at how well Plant Yet to be Named is doing here.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: It is nice to have a bit of greenery. Reminds me of the old days.

ZOE CRICK: Exactly! You should get one for your place. I’m sure Layla would like it.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Thank you, but I think one plant in my life is plenty, and my place already feels like a home.

ZOE CRICK: Without a plant though?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: And really, under those dire circumstances, you have to wonder how I manage to go on.

ZOE CRICK: Come on now. I’m not saying plants are the only way to make a place more homely, just the cutest one. I like a bit of art, myself.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: And by bit of art, you mean hand-drawn pictures of cats, don’t you?

ZOE CRICK: Oh, everyone’s a critic. I don’t say anything about your shelf full of empty chocolate boxes, do I?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I do not have - ! This is how rumors get started. So we are going to stop listening to gossip and start listening to this next song.

Feeling Like Home

ZOE CRICK: Curtains.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Curtains?

ZOE CRICK: Yes, number 3 on the list of 10 fabulous things you can do to make your place feel like home is curtains. Of course, that’s going to be a bit harder now than before the zombies, but think outside the box, listeners. Try taping together some pieces of paper, or use a spare sheet. Give your place that personal touch.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Where did you find this list again?

ZOE CRICK: In one of the old women’s magazines from before the zombies. There’s always a pile of them by the north side loo. I thought people might find it helpful. Though if you’d rather discuss the top 10 hottest lip colors of autumn -

PHIL CHEESEMAN: No, no. [?]. For one thing, I’m sure those colors are very out of date.

ZOE CRICK: And they’re not the only thing. A lot of these home touches wouldn’t work now. Buy new furniture, paint a dramatic accent wall. Number one on the list still works, though. Give it time.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: That’s true. I’m not actually sure when here started feeling like home exactly, but now…

ZOE CRICK: Mm, it just does. Same way this next song always reminds me of home.

Future Nightmares

ZOE CRICK: Is there anything you left behind at the start of all this that you wish you’d held onto? Not a person, just a thing you wish you had now but you didn’t bring with you. Other than Greeny the plant, of course.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: A photo album, I think.

ZOE CRICK: I said not people. That’s cheating.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, it’s not for the people. Or at least, not only for that. I wish I had pictures of the way things were before. People shopping at Tesco’s or playing in a park. Snapshots of what life used to be like.

ZOE CRICK: Yeah… wait, that’s what you were taking pictures of before? That’s lovely. I’m pretty sure my entire phone memory card is full of pictures of me making the same ridiculous face in front of blurry scenery. [laughs] Something like…

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh wow. I didn’t think you could make your face do that.

ZOE CRICK: What? I know it looks a little like a duck, but…

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, now your lips are shaking and I can see half your teeth and um… hmm. Why don’t you promise to do that never again and I’ll try to erase that image from my future nightmares? Stay tuned, citizens. We’ll be right back after this.

Secret Cadbury Stash

ZOE CRICK: You know, sometimes I wish I’d brought more with me when I ran. I had my hands full of my sister’s kids, but still.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I’m sure you did the best you can. Anything specific you wish you’d brought along?

ZOE CRICK: Depends on the day. If I’m hungry, I’ll wish I’d brought chocolate. Or someone will mention a book I never read and I’ll wish I had it so I could get the chance. And there was a silver gun stick passed down from my grandma that I wish I still had. But mostly chocolate.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Naturally.

ZOE CRICK: Sometimes I like to picture what happened to everything, actually. Maybe it’s silly, but I like to think that someone now is using things I left behind, that it’s helping.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Your own small legacy. Not silly at all. And who knows, maybe one of our listeners has come across your secret Cadbury stash. If you have, uh, please write in immediately and let us know. If not, tell us what is the most interesting thing you’ve come across while out avoiding the zombies? And while you’re thinking of it, here’s a song I’m glad we still have along with us.

Kosher

PAULA COHEN: Maxie, I expected you back two days ago. I was frantic.

MAXINE MYERS: I am so sorry, honey! I try to send you a message, but you know how unreliable ROFFLEnet can be.

PAULA COHEN: Well, I don’t know how long it takes to geld a bunch of piglets.

MAXINE MYERS: A passel of piglets.

PAULA COHEN: Passel?

MAXINE MYERS: The collective noun for hogs is passel, so they were a passel of piglets. Well, a passel of hogs now that I’m done with them.

PAULA COHEN: How many is a passel?

MAXINE MYERS: Well, enough that my carpal tunnel is acting up. But let’s be honest, we’ve got enough boars around this place.

PAULA COHEN: Maxie!

MAXINE MYERS: What?

PAULA COHEN: Anyway I, I wish you tried harder to get in touch. Anything could have happened.

MAXINE MYERS: I’m sorry. I expected to be done much faster. I’m not used to surgical patients who wriggle quite so much.

PAULA COHEN: For this, you got an MD?

MAXINE MYERS: Now I understand why it’s harder to get into vet school.

PAULA COHEN: Well, at least you didn’t have to handle the artificial inseminations like I did.

MAXINE MYERS: Is that kosher?

PAULA COHEN: I didn’t eat any! Play a song.

Sunscreen

MAXINE MYERS: You’re right, I should have communicated better.

PAULA COHEN: I just think you should realize that it’s weird for me to be hosting your show.

MAXINE MYERS: It’s our show.

PAULA COHEN: It’s got your name on it.

MAXINE MYERS: So we change the name. What was it Sam called it? Ask Dr. Mauline.

PAULA COHEN: Absolutely not!

MAXINE MYERS: Oh, we’re live. Hello, and welcome to Ask Dr. Mauline. We’re Maxine Myers and Paula Cohen, here to solve your post-apocalyptic skin conditions, among other things. And here’s our next question. “Hey docs, nowadays, we’re spending a lot of time outdoors. As a runner, I spend maybe 75% of the daytime outside under various amounts of shade and I’ve had my fair share of sunburns. I’m starting to worry that skin cancer will end me before the zombies do. Can you give some advice on how to protect ourselves, particularly when we’re rationing that last tube of sunscreen?”

PAULA COHEN: Oh, there’s a thank you note at the end of it.

MAXINE MYERS: Oh, that’s so sweet! And we’ll answer this question right after the break.

Sunny Little Song

PAULA COHEN: Welcome back to the show we are absolutely not calling Ask Dr. Mauline. Today, we’re talking about protecting yourself from the sun.

MAXINE MYERS: You can make an effective, if unsightly, sunblock from petroleum jelly and zinc oxide, if you can get petroleum jelly or zinc oxide. Unfortunately, it’s smeary and not very sweat-proof and tends to block your pores.

PAULA COHEN: Also it turns your face gray, and so you might be shot by a well-meaning bystander who assumes you’ve been zombified.

MAXINE MYERS: Also that. So a safer and more effective method is to cover your skin and rely on the sun-protective technologies that were in general use before commercial sunblock became available.

PAULA COHEN: Do you mean hats?

MAXINE MYERS: I do mean hats. Also bonnets, long loose robes or jackets, and light colors, and sun flaps to protect your neck. You can even soak those in water to improve your heat exchange and stay cooler. And on that note, here’s a sunny little song.

Headless Dolls

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Listeners, we’ve been collecting your stories of interesting items collected while running and they are putting Zoe’s chocolate stash to shame.

ZOE CRICK: It’s true. I have to admit it. Gwen Daughtry writes that she once found over 200 unopened toothbrushes organized by color. Maybe it was part of an art exhibit.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Or someone just really, really cared about their dental hygiene.

ZOE CRICK: But they weren’t opened.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Stocking up for the future, of course.

ZOE CRICK: Or maybe they were on sale. Buy 199, get the 200th free.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: And who could resist that kind of deal?

ZOE CRICK: At least someone got some use out of the toothbrushes. Not sure what became of John Morrow’s find of a house full of headless children’s dolls.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [shudders] That’s the stuff of nightmares. What do you think happened to the heads?

ZOE CRICK: Maybe whoever took the heads off still has them, roaming across the countryside trading them for medicine and supplies.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: That sounds like an idea for a very, very mad TV show. Though I do have the perfect piece for the theme song. Listen to this number.

Duck Man

ZOE CRICK: I had no idea the things you were all finding in abandoned houses. Carrie Tesla writes that she once found hundreds of rubber duckies, each in a different get-up. Superheroes, country flags, prime ministers, you name it. And a note that said, “Take care of my flock.”

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, that’s… I was going to say sweet, but I think the right word is terrifying.

ZOE CRICK: Whereas George Darvin has encountered what he can only describe as a collection of petrified beetles in miniature bottles.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: What?

ZOE CRICK: Okay, I’m starting to wonder whether people have really run across all the items they’ve been writing to us about.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I don’t know. There are a lot of weird things in people’s houses.

ZOE CRICK: Well, there’s weird and then there’s nutters. Ship in a bottle, fine. Bugs in bottles on the other hand… You really think people are collecting these things?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Absolutely. And just think, without the zombie apocalypse, all their odd items would still be tucked away in some corner of their house, only to be seen by friends and family.

ZOE CRICK: And let’s be honest, probably a few horrified dates.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [laughs] Yeah, it’s probably hard to work rubber duck enthusiast into a dating profile.

ZOE CRICK: Well, wherever you are, duck man, this next song is for you.

Ceremonial Moonwalking

ZOE CRICK: This stuff is amazing! A record of all major British military battles in a series of true to scale miniatures. A table covered in puddles of multi-coloured wax. A life-sized fake stuffed bear!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Listeners, we had no idea just how many interesting items you’d come across during your travels, but you’ve been writing in with some real humdingers!

ZOE CRICK: The entire collected albums of Michael Jackson and Chumbawamba.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: That’s someone with very specific tastes.

ZOE CRICK: I’m not sure whether to be impressed or appalled.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Impressed, definitely.

ZOE CRICK: I wonder what happened to all these people, what they’re doing now without their hobbies.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Probably coming up with new things to be into, or new ways to express their passions. Remember the settlement we came across when we were traveling that tracked every movement of the zombies with colored rocks and an old wooden table? That could be the person with the miniatures.

ZOE CRICK: Oh, or the one with the ceremonial moonwalking. Michael Jackson fans.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Exactly. Even the apocalypse can’t stop people from being themselves.

ZOE CRICK: Hmm. I like that. This next song is for everyone who refuses to let the zombies get in the way of their passions.

Inner Child

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I have to say, you listeners have an amazing eye for weird and wonderful objects. You found some great things on your runs. Though I’m not sure I needed to know quite so much about the apparently endless and terrifying taxidermist chops in the country. Some things should not be stuffed.

ZOE CRICK: Definitely not. But aw, Agnes Trudeau writes that she hasn’t found anything too out of the ordinary, but she always looks for drawings by children and takes them with her as she runs.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: That’s my type of collector.

ZOE CRICK: She has over 75 drawings in pencil and crayon and hopes to be able to have an exhibition one day, but her number one goal is to meet some of the children who made the artwork and return their work to them.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: That’s really special. I hope it happens one day.

ZOE CRICK: Hmm. Me, too. Agnes, we wish you all the best. And in your honor, here’s a song for the inner child in all of us.

Z-Generation

ZOE CRICK: I wonder what it’s like for kids growing up in the age of zombies. Think of all the babies who will never know what it was like before.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, I see Maxine and Paula and Sam raising Sara and it looks normal, but then they’re off running into the woods or worrying about the V-types. All that and being a parent? Phew.

ZOE CRICK: Does that mean you and Layla wouldn’t ever think about, um, expanding the local population?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Expanding the local population? First of all, please do not say that while making that gesture with your hands.

ZOE CRICK: What? I was just reaching for something.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: And second of all, that’s something we’re not going to talk about on the air, right?

ZOE CRICK: Right. Okay listeners, it’s up to you to get Phil off the hook. Is there anything from your childhood that you wish the new Z Generation could experience? And while you’re thinking about it, here’s a song I always loved when I was young.

Non-Steroidal

MAXINE MYERS: Hello, and welcome back to the show. Our current question is about managing chronic skin conditions. The listener writes, “My psoriasis is flaring up and we’re running out of cream to keep my skin hydrated. What natural remedies could I pick up on my next supply mission to help control the symptoms?”

PAULA COHEN: Now that’s an excellent question. Psoriasis, if you have been diagnosed with that and not eczema or an allergic skin rash, is an autoimmune condition that results from inflammation, so steroid-based skin creams can help, but be careful with those as they may have side effects.

MAXINE MYERS: You can also try natural anti-inflammatories such as ginger, which fortunately is still being farmed, or turmeric and black pepper. If you can’t find the supplement pills anymore, try a supermarket spice aisle. The stuff will be stale, but it might help. You could also try green tea for as long as that’s available.

PAULA COHEN: A healthy diet as rich in colorful fruits and veg as you can manage under current circumstances is also helpful. None of this is a replacement for immunosuppressants or oral steroids, of course, if you have more severe psoriasis, but it can help. And so can over-the-counter non-steroidal anti-inflammatories, especially if you find your condition is progressing to joint pain and inflammation.

MAXINE MYERS: Wow, I think we might have helped that person. That was usable advice for a change.

PAULA COHEN: A little bit.

MAXINE MYERS: I’ll take what I can get. It is the end of the world.

Wishy-Washy Answers

PAULA COHEN: Welcome back to Ask Dr…. welcome back to our medical advice show. I’m Dr. Paula Cohen and we’re here to solve your post-apocalyptic problems. Maxine had to run off again for some reason. Here’s our next question, which is actually a series of several related questions.

The first one is from Jude, who writes, “I’m a minimalist runner and before the apocalypse, I loved my barefoot shoes, but I’ve worn through my last pair and they’re getting harder to find now that running shops are either infested or looted. I’m thinking of running properly barefoot rather than going back to a padded foot coffin. Broken glass and jaggy rocks I can deal with, but I’m worried about treading on infectious zombie bits. If I get old blood or smeared zombie matter into a cut on my foot, will I still turn even if it isn’t fresh?”

Meanwhile, Adam asks, “Before the apocalypse, running experts tended to recommend wearing running shoes for only around 500 to 800 kilometers before replacing them. Something about the support breaking down and increasing the chance of injury. For a township runner, that sort of distance can fly by before you know it. Any suggestions for what to do about this, as good running shoes are becoming more scarce?

MAXINE MYERS: I’m back, I’m back.

PAULA COHEN: Where did you go?

MAXINE MYERS: Oh, I just had to um… run an errand? [laughs nervously]

PAULA COHEN: Right, and speaking of running, here’s the third question on the same topic from Vincent. "As you know, we runners do a lot of running. I picked up a pair of trainers and have been using them for my runs, but I’ve noticed my feet ache the next day. Would some cushioning in the shoes help, or should I be on the lookout for another pair?” Well, this is a complicated topic actually, as the diversity in the questions suggests.

MAXINE MYERS: And we’ll be right back with some super wishy-washy answers right after this.

Illuminate It

PAULA COHEN: Welcome back to Ask Dr. Mauline, where we’re talking today about appropriate running shoes for the eschaton.

MAXINE MYERS: Eschaton?

PAULA COHEN: I get tired of saying apocalypse all the time.

MAXINE MYERS: Cataclysm? Catastrophe?

PAULA COHEN: Armageddon.

MAXINE MYERS: They all have religious connotations, don’t they? Final battle of good versus evil.

PAULA COHEN: And barefoot/minimalist runners versus runners who prefer shoes.

MAXINE MYERS: Oh, well there’s a religious conflict that will never be resolved.

PAULA COHEN: But we can at least try to illuminate it.

MAXINE MYERS: Right after this song.

Gangrene

PAULA COHEN: Welcome back to our show. Today, Maxine and I are taking on the contentious topic of what shoes, if any, are best for runners during the current zombie apocalypse.

MAXINE MYERS: Cataclysm?

PAULA COHEN: Just so. As you’re no doubt aware, there’s something of a religious divide between runners as to what’s more ergonomic, minimalist running or a padded shoe.

MAXINE MYERS: Souls or soles, as it were.

PAULA COHEN: I’m going to pretend that didn’t happen. Medical opinion is divided on the benefits of barefoot running. Certainly the human foot is evolved to run long distances barefoot, but it’s not particularly well-evolved to run long distances barefoot on hard pavement littered with rusty nails that can cause tetanus or fatal gangrene, not to mention broken glass smeared with zombie fluids.

MAXINE MYERS: The important thing is if you are not having foot pain, or calf or hip pain, whatever you’re doing is probably working. If you are having pain, you need to fix something and we’ll get right into some things that you can fix after this break.

Stop Immediately

PAULA COHEN: Welcome back. Today, we’re talking about barefoot versus shod running and how to prevent pain, heal injuries, and protect your feet.

MAXINE MYERS: And not contract the zombie virus by stepping on an infected bone splinter.

PAULA COHEN: And the most important thing to remember is if whatever you are doing hurts your feet, stop immediately.

MAXINE MYERS: Unless there’s a zom in hot pursuit, of course.

PAULA COHEN: Stop immediately as soon as it is safe to do so.

MAXINE MYERS: Right. So if you’re running barefoot and it feels good, then you’re probably all right continuing to do so. However, it is true that tetanus and stray zombie teeth are a hazard to your tender toe parts and can cause a fatal infection. We’ll be right back with some ways to prevent that after this break.

Stop-gap Solutions

MAXINE MYERS: Welcome back to Ask Dr. Mauline. We’re talking about how to protect your feet, which after all, keep you and your settlement mates alive during these difficult times. If you are a barefoot runner and want to avoid wounds and infections, you’ll want to look for a pair of minimalist running shoes to protect your soles when you’re running in dangerous surroundings. These come in the famous five toes design and also a more traditional looking shoe that doesn’t have padded soles, but simply a tough covering to protect the bottom of your foot.

PAULA COHEN: If you can’t find those though, you can make them. You need some tough flexible rubber. Old auto tire sidewalls are great. And a pair of well fitting anatomical running socks and some duct tape and a sturdy pair of shears.

MAXINE MYERS: Life hack.

PAULA COHEN: Put the sock on your foot, trace the outline on the rubber, cut it out, and then tape the new rubber sole around your foot using the sock to keep the duct tape from adhering to your skin.

MAXINE MYERS: Ideally you want to build a kind of sandal with the tape so that most of the rubber sole is exposed. It will be less slippery this way.

PAULA COHEN: This isn’t going to be ergonomically perfect, mind you, and it might adversely impact your speed and maneuverability.

MAXINE MYERS: Or you might slip and break an ankle.

PAULA COHEN: You might do that anyway though, and if you run barefoot, you might cut yourself and die of the resulting infection.

MAXINE MYERS: These are all stopgap solutions only, is what we’re trying to say.

PAULA COHEN: And we’ll be back with more stopgap solutions right after this.

Sheets of Exercises

MAXINE MYERS: Welcome back. Paula and I are talking advice for runners with foot pain today.

PAULA COHEN: Foot pain is a tricky condition to diagnose over ROFFLEnet, of course.

MAXINE MYERS: Heck, it’s a tricky condition to diagnose in person. Ask me about the time I thought somebody had tendonitis and it turned out to be Morton’s neuroma.

PAULA COHEN: Well, this is why podiatrists were specialists.

MAXINE MYERS: Oh, I miss specialists. They were cozy. Anyway, if your feet hurt, the first thing to consider is that your shoes might not be right for you. More or less padded trainers might help. Also for some runners, a shoe with more so-called drop, which lifts the heel a few millimeters, might alleviate tendon strain.

PAULA COHEN: Another thing to consider is whether you might be under-conditioned. Tendons take longer to acclimate to a running schedule than your cardiovascular system does, so make sure that your training program includes appropriate strength training. Heel lifts or calf raises, especially slow ones while holding weights, can help.

MAXINE MYERS: You can also try increasing your stretching regime and think about your form when you run. Try to push off with a springy stride and land lightly, engaging your joints, rather than pounding away.

PAULA COHEN: No one solution is likely to help everyone. If you’re lucky enough to have a surviving physical therapist in your neighborhood, you can check with them of course, and there are sheets of exercises available on ROFFLEnet when you have a little computer time coming.

MAXINE MYERS: Just remember it’s important to protect your soundness. Take rest days when scheduled and if you are sore and it’s not muscle soreness, do something different rather than trying to work through it. You can wind up laying yourself up for over a year while tendons heal and then we run low on canned goods.

PAULA COHEN: And we do like our canned goods, such as this hit from a long time ago.

It Takes a Village

PHIL CHEESEMAN: We’re going back to our childhoods, listeners, and I have to say, a lot of us were video games fans. It is one of the top things that people wish their children could experience now.

ZOE CRICK: Aside from a world without zombies, that is.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Other top listener picks include live concerts, backpacking, and weekends in the country. Though I suppose in some ways, we’re all on an extended backpacking weekend to the country now.

ZOE CRICK: Yes, just think of the past few years as an adventure in glamping.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I’m just saying it all has to do with your perspective. It’s like this message from Christine Murphy. She writes that instead of thinking about what kids today are giving up, she tries to think about what they’re gaining.

ZOE CRICK: Other than a healthy fear of the undead? [laughs] I suppose there is that sense of everyone chipping in together to do the best they can, keep each other safe, all that it takes a village to keep a child away from zombies stuff.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Couldn’t have said it better myself.

Zomlympics

ZOE CRICK: Do you think there’ll ever be an Olympics again one day?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I hope so. I’d love to see flags of all the different countries, people using their athletic skills for fun instead of killing zombies.

ZOE CRICK: Oh, that would be nice. Though I wonder if they’d change all the sports so people could use some of the new skills we’ve developed.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Like best McShell maneuver.

ZOE CRICK: Exactly.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: How would you even judge that? I’m not sure what makes one McShell better than another.

ZOE CRICK: Maybe it’d be like dog shows. Two partners with noisemakers work together to make the zombies go in a perfectly straight line. Picture it – the Zom-lympics. And cue theme song.

Read The Rulebook

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hello ci-ti-zens! Welcome back to the first ever completely inspiring, completely imaginary Zom-lympics.

ZOE CRICK: We’re here at the McShell maneuvers, a crucial event for any athlete that wants to take home all-round Zom-lympic gold. Let’s join them in progress.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: It’s been another disastrous day for the team from the Dunminster Settlement, seen here in their traditional blue jumpers. We knew it would be a tough road for them after they qualified on a technicality, and now the crowd here in the stadium is watching them attempt a McShell in complete disarray.

ZOE CRICK: A shame. They were heavy favorites at the beginning of the season before the uh, non-regulation noisemaker scandal.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: But wait! What’s that noise there in the back? The zombie behind the rear McShell maneuverer has wandered off towards the stands. People are screaming and fleeing from the stadium, and with that kind of performance from Dunminster, I can’t blame them. Stay safe out there, guys.

ZOE CRICK: Bang! And wow, just when you think you’ve seen it all, an ex-Ministry sharpshooter playing with the team in green has picked off the zombie. They may have the thanks of the stadium, but they’re going to be disqualified for that one.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Wait, really?

ZOE CRICK: Yeah, didn’t you read the rule book?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: There’s a rule book?

ZOE CRICK: All right, listeners, while we hash out some of the finer Zom-lympic details, have a listen to this next song that always puts me in the mood to run.

Blood Pumping

ZOE CRICK: Oh, I’ve got the perfect sport for the new Zom-lympics. Zombie run and gun. An obstacle course with zombies at all sides and a six-shot revolver. Run from station to station, take out a zombie, move on.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Like a zombie biathlon.

ZOE CRICK: Exactly. Or zombie luge chase. You slide down an icy track with a zombie speeding down behind you.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Really?

ZOE CRICK: Do you think there’s a way to get zombies on horseback for dressage?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: These all sound like they would be incredibly dangerous and more than a little foolhardy.

ZOE CRICK: These are dangerous times. Shouldn’t our new sports reflect that?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You’re not serious.

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] You don’t think I’d want to watch people run for their lives all for my amusement.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, considering the company you keep… Still no. But for those of you who are in the mood for a bit of danger, this song always gets my blood pumping.

Cherry Flavouring

PAULA COHEN: Hey, wait a minute. You said Sam called us Dr. Mauline. But if you were listening to the show, then you knew you were late and I was worried. Maxine, you can’t con a grifter. What aren’t you telling me?

MAXINE MYERS: I heard that segment while I was running over after I realized I’d forgotten we were on.

PAULA COHEN: How many hogs did you castrate without getting your hands or clothes bloody?

MAXINE MYERS: I wore gloves and a smock, Paula, and I changed before I traveled back to Abel. It might be the end of the world, but I am not a barbarian, and wandering around soaked in pig blood is a great way to attract zombies. Oh look, here’s our next question.

“Dearest doctors, as there are no antibiotics anymore, I’ve been rubbing moldy toast on my cuts and scrapes. My friend thinks rubbing it with neat vodka would be more effective, but I’m only willing to waste the cherry flavor kind. Will the cherry flavoring cause any issues, or should I go back to the toast?”

PAULA COHEN: And we’ll answer that one right after this music break.

Antibiotics

MAXINE MYERS: Welcome back to Ask Dr. Mauline with your hosts, Paula and Maxine. That’s me! Today, we’re answering a question on disinfecting wounds in the post-apocalypse.

PAULA COHEN: First of all, stop rubbing moldy toast on your wounds.

MAXINE MYERS: Seriously. I think we’ve covered that already. Moldy citrus is also right out.

PAULA COHEN: The best way to disinfect your wounds is to visit a chemist’s, if you can find an uninfested one, or your local infirmary or drug swap and get a tube of topical antiseptic cream.

MAXINE MYERS: The little tubes of petroleum jelly with antibiotics in them. I know they have all expired now, but trust me, they are much less likely to kill you than spoiled toast.

PAULA COHEN: And with the population drop off since the end of the world, supplies are likely to remain for a while yet. Also, we’re working on manufacturing more! Ah, I see it’s time to take a break. We’ll be right back with more advice on wound care.

Wood Alcohol

PAULA COHEN: Welcome back. We’re talking about improvised wound disinfectants!

MAXINE MYERS: Right. So your first line of defense is going to be your over-the-counter creams. If you absolutely cannot obtain those, you can also use simple salt water as an antiseptic. Bathe the wound in clean boiled or distilled water with a tablespoon of salt dissolved in each cup a few times a day. It’s not a perfect solution, but these are imperfect times. Do not use seawater for this. It’s not clean enough.

PAULA COHEN: Pouring alcohol on a wound is generally a bad idea, as it can impede healing by killing tissues. However, getting sepsis, gangrene, or cellulitis is far more dangerous, so if alcohol is what you have, it’s acceptable to swab the area around the wound with it using a clean, preferably boiled, cloth to do so.

MAXINE MYERS: Unfortunately, the sugary flavored vodkas are more likely to promote bacterial overgrowth as bacteria eats sugar, but you should still be able to find some bottles of rubbing alcohol around, or ask a friend with a still to save the heads for you. Just don’t drink that part. It’s methyl alcohol or so-called wood alcohol. I used to live in Chicago, and I can assure you, you do not want to drink that part. It killed a lot of bootleggers during the Prohibition.

PAULA COHEN: I don’t believe your entire country gave up booze for 10 years.

MAXINE MYERS: They didn’t. That’s why so many people died from drinking wood alcohol.

PAULA COHEN: And on that note… some notes?

MAXINE MYERS: Let’s go to a song.

Basic Precautions

PAULA COHEN: Our next question is from Anti-Anti-Vaxxer, who writes, “I am a senior citizen who looks after kids who are too young to go to school yet. When a few of them started coughing out of nowhere, I naturally feared the worst. Infected playground soil, zombie bits in our well, that sort of thing. Turns out it wasn’t the zombie virus, it was plain old flu, but our youngest and I almost died from the fever anyway. Nowadays, those of us who aren’t physically active tend to look after each other. What shall we do if some new infectious disease goes pandemic?”

MAXINE MYERS: That’s a really excellent and challenging question. Even diseases for which we have vaccines can be a big problem currently because of distribution and manufacture issues and also hoarding, but epidemics are a real danger, especially as so many of us currently live in dense enclaves and among livestock, both of which are risk factors for influenza mutation. However, as travel and contact between far-flung groups of people has dropped off, epidemics are less likely.

PAULA COHEN: When we come back, however, we’ll discuss some basic precautions that everybody should take.

Take a Nap

MAXINE MYERS: Welcome back to Ask Dr. Mauline. Today, we’re discussing how to keep yourself safe from the flu.

PAULA COHEN: During flu season, while living in close quarters, it’s a good idea to wear a face mask if you feel the least bit sick. These can be stitched out of fabric and a couple of bits of tape and washed in boiling water to sterilize them after use.

MAXINE MYERS: Also, frequent hand washing is very important, and disposing of soiled handkerchiefs and so on in a sanitary fashion.

PAULA COHEN: If you have a doctor or a microbiologist at your settlement or township, it should be possible for that person to isolate a vaccine from local infections, though they will need appropriate equipment, supplies, and a lot of chicken eggs, and it will take some time.

MAXINE MYERS: That’s likely to be more effective than a centrally-sourced vaccine under these conditions anyway. The single most effective thing you can do, however, if you feel yourself getting sick – isolate yourself at once. Except for caregivers trained in sanitary precautions, don’t try to tough it out through a contagion. The most effective way of not spreading the flu is by not exposing people to it.

PAULA COHEN: You might literally save a life by taking a nap! And you’ll recover faster if you rest, as well.

That Other Thing

PAULA COHEN: Sam, do you have any idea where Maxine has gotten off to this time?

SAM YAO: Um, haven’t seen her since breakfast, but she can’t have gotten far. No one’s opened the gates all day.

PAULA COHEN: I swear, if that woman doesn’t start showing up for work, I’m going to change the name of this show to Ask Dr. Cohen! It’s certainly preferable to, ugh, that other thing.

Photographic Evidence

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Listeners, we have read your many, many letters and we will be giving you an update on our resident plant, [robotic voice] Plant That Has Not Been Named.

ZOE CRICK: Some listeners have noted that we stopped trying to name our leafy friend a while back, and with the help of an unnamed Abel insider, have made some pretty nasty accusations as to why.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I believe the word “planticide” was used by one very angry listener. [?], I don’t think what you’ve proposed I do with myself is anatomically possible, but thank you for your very detailed suggestion.

ZOE CRICK: To set the record straight, ROFFLEnet rumors to the contrary, we did not kill our plant by overwatering, neglect, or playing too much acid punk. We merely resettled the plant to a space that has more access to the sun.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [robotic voice] The Nameless Plant [normal voice] is now resting comfortably in a new outdoors location.

ZOE CRICK: Mm, that does sound a bit like what they say to kids when their goldfish dies.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Except our plant is alive. There will be photographic evidence posted on ROFFLEnet. In ASCII form, but still. Please stop sending letters.

ZOE CRICK: Yes, please. Instead, enjoy this song which goes out to our favorite green-leafed friend.

Work and Play

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Listeners, we want to thank all of you who wrote in to defend us against the vicious planticide rumors going about and let us know that we’re already doing all we can to be your number one zombie era radio station.

ZOE CRICK: It’s always good to know you’re doing something right.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: We’ve got a lot of great suggestions for segments on our show from all of you. Cooking with Rations, Growing Up Zombie, and an oddly specific request for a show about chinchilla care. We will take them all under advisement.

ZOE CRICK: All except one.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: We received a surprising number of identical ROFFLEnet postings that mentioned Amelia being added to this show as a co-host.

ZOE CRICK: The answer is no.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I know we promised to consider all suggestions, but for one thing, Amelia is already on the air with Bernard. And for another, more important thing, I can think of 12 ways for that to go wrong.

ZOE CRICK: 12? I can think of at least 17. More if I can make a few diagrams.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: No need. Really. And for less lurid and more practical reasons, the same goes for adding Layla to the show.

ZOE CRICK: Oh, I don’t know, Phil. That might be fun. [laughs] Ow! Though of course, it’s important to keep work and play separate.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: And with that, let’s get to some more of your suggestions after this next song.

Hat Custody

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hello, ci-ti-zens! Today we are doing something a little different, thanks to your ROFFLEnet suggestions.

ZOE CRICK: This suggestion comes from one of the newly arrived Fiston Settlement survivors, Kavela Kingston. He says that it can be hard making friends in a new place, especially when you’ve been focused on just trying to survive for so long.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: And to help him and all the new arrivals out, Zoe and I will be demonstrating ways to make new friends at a new settlement. In this scenario, I will be called Bob, and -

ZOE CRICK: Did you just put on a hat?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah. Bob wears hats. He is a hat enthusiast.

ZOE CRICK: Wait, I don’t have anything to wear. Though now that I think about it, my character in this scenario, Elsa, may be an unrepentant hat thief.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Zoe! Give that back.

ZOE CRICK: That’s Elsa to you. [giggles] You can tell by my stolen hat.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Back in a moment, citizens. Just a bit of hat custody to sort out first.

Iconic Characters

ZOE CRICK: Now that Phil and I both have hats for our roleplay of someone trying to make friends in a new settlement, we’re ready to go. I’ll be Sharon, and Phil will be Bob. Sharon is a settlement newcomer with a mysterious past and nothing ahead of her but fancy hats and the open road.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Wait. What?

ZOE CRICK: Well, I decided to do a little backstory, give the character some life. [roleplaying voice] Hello there! I’m new to this settlement. All I want is to find a place to call home so I can stop running and start living.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [laughs] You can’t be serious.

ZOE CRICK: Phil.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I mean, you can’t be serious, mysterious hat-thieving stranger. I am Bob, an upstanding member of this community who has nothing to sustain me other than my love of fancy hats and moldy cheese.

ZOE CRICK: Moldy cheese?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Trying to create a character. And remember listeners, these are just our takes on these iconic characters. Find what works for you. We’ll be back in just a moment.

Backstory

ZOE CRICK: And now a short radio play on how to get to know your new neighbors. [roleplaying voice] Hello stranger! I am Sharon. I am smiling brightly so that you do not guess at my mysterious past or ask where I may have gotten my oh so fine hat.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hello! I am Bob, a local hat connoisseur. Please excuse the way I smell. It is the moldy cheese I carry under my hat. Also, thank you for introducing yourself to me when we met. I will remember that friendly attitude and think kindly of you.

ZOE CRICK: [roleplaying voice] A hat and cheese connoisseur, how fascinating! I’m new here. Is there anything I should know as I get adjusted? [normal voice] A compliment helps to break the ice and a question is always a great way to get someone talking.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Great point! How do you know that? Did you uh, see what I did there?

ZOE CRICK: [roleplaying voice] Absolutely. Your sense of humor is wonderful, [giggles] as is your hat and its moldy aroma. It’s all I need to complete my collection.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh, stay away from my hat, Sharon.

ZOE CRICK: Never.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Zoe! Is this actually helping anyone? Maybe we should reconsider all that backstory.

ZOE CRICK: Who is this Zoe you speak of? I am Sharon.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Of course you are. And Sharon will be right back after this.

Say Hello

ZOE CRICK: After some… discussion, we’ve decided to cut short our dramatic interpretation of coming to a new colony so as not to distract from the advice with my brilliant acting.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Thank you.

ZOE CRICK: All I was getting at is that these days, some people find it harder to trust. If you’re new, be friendly, ask what you can do to help, and give it time.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: And remember, things haven’t quite always run smoothly, but people want to like you. They want to trust you. They want you to succeed. Just like we do.

ZOE CRICK: Aw, Phil, that was really sweet. And without even wearing your hat.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: It’s the truth. And if you need courage to go put yourself out there, listen to this next song and then go say hello to your new neighbors.

Fred 2.0

ZOE CRICK: I miss our plant.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: It hasn’t gone far, and it’s doing better outside. I know you can see how nicely it’s growing. You don’t really want to bring it under this dim light, do you?

ZOE CRICK: No, but…

PHIL CHEESEMAN: But what?

ZOE CRICK: It still doesn’t have a name. Poor little guy. No identity, no sense of self.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Plants have a sense of self?

ZOE CRICK: You know what I mean. The plant may only have been in our studio for a short time, possibly because in Amelia’s words, “anything left too long in that stale air is never going to really grow,” but it’s still ours. We’re not plant-iciders, we’re plant-ichampions.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [laughs] All right, all right, I’m convinced. What do you want to name it?

ZOE CRICK: I’ve been thinking about it for a while and I’m going with Fred 2.0.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You want to name our plant the same thing as my plant from uni?

ZOE CRICK: It’s an homage and a reminder that while none of us may be where we used to be, there’s always something we can bring along with us.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: The name Fred.

ZOE CRICK: Like this radio show, Phil, it’s better than nothing.

Just Don't

MAXINE MYERS: Today’s question bears on a problem on all our minds. “Dear doctors, I recently heard a rumor that because urine is sterile and still has mostly water in it, it is safe and useful for rehydration and could continue being recycled through your body until it turns purple on exit. I never thought I would get to such a low point in my life, but now I’m starting to question if I may be getting just that desperate. Before I commit to this method though, I was hoping you could weigh in on the validity of this rumor. Thanks sincerely, a very thirsty but maybe not that thirsty citizen.”

Okay, first, do not drink urine, not even your own. Seriously, just don’t. Second, you would think that since we were living through the literal zombie apocalypse, ROFFLEnet would have been rid of the advice of shopping mall survivalists by now, especially since that guy who used to drink his own pee on tv got turned live on camera on Day Z.

PAULA COHEN: It does have a lot of potassium and magnesium in it though, so maybe if you were having a hard time finding other supplements…

MAXINE MYERS: Paula, no.

PAULA COHEN: Right. I’ll just play a song then, shall I? Listeners, we’ll be right back.

Micturation

MAXINE MYERS: Welcome back to Ask Dr. Mauline, where we’re discussing why you should absolutely positively never drink your own pee.

PAULA COHEN: Would you like to tell us all the reasons, Maxie?

MAXINE MYERS: Feel free to chime in anytime. One, urine is not sterile. This is an old wives tale and as an old wife, I feel free to refute it. Even in the bladder, urine contains bacteria. In healthy urine, these are not harmful bacteria, but only when they’re in the elimination end of your urinary tract.

PAULA COHEN: So how can we be sure the urine we’re about to drink is healthy urine?

MAXINE MYERS: Under field conditions, we can’t. Two, urine contains ammonia from the breakdown of urea. It can be aged and used to tan leather and bleach furs. Do you drink mop water from the bucket? I sure hope not. And if you do, stop.

PAULA COHEN: We’ll be right back with more micturation after this.

Number One

PAULA COHEN: Welcome back. We’re talking about pee!

MAXINE MYERS: Stand back, I’m on a tear. The third reason you should never drink urine is because there is no biological reason for your body to sacrifice water in urination, except that water is an excellent solvent and your body uses it to get rid of waste products, including but not limited to uric acid, nitrogen, potassium, and salt. Urine is a bit less salty than seawater, but it is salty, and we don’t drink seawater even when we’re dehydrated because the salt content would lead to further dehydration. Here in Abel, we use urine to fertilize our vegetables. Also, don’t drink fertilizers.

PAULA COHEN: And remember, wash your vegetables.

MAXINE MYERS: If you need a safe water source and you have a lot of urine around, you can try building a solar still, which is very simple. You have to supplement the urine with other sources of moisture to get enough to keep you alive, however, because peeing is not the only way your body loses water. So when it comes to drinking urine, I’d say give it a pass.

PAULA COHEN: Maxie.

MAXINE MYERS: Are you just mad you didn’t think of it, and now we have to go?

PAULA COHEN: You’ll always be my number one.

Doctor Google

MAXINE MYERS: Really Paula, I don’t think you need to be quite so suspicious. It really was just hogs. A lot of hogs.

PAULA COHEN: A lot of hogwash, you mean. What about all those other times you vanished recently?

MAXINE MYERS: We’re all super busy. Janine has had me hopping.

PAULA COHEN: Sam’s a terrible liar. I know he’s covering for you. But fine, if you don’t want to tell me, I can’t make you. So on to our next question. “Do I have chronic hand foot and mouth disease or slow-moving zombie virus starting at my limbs? No cough, but pretty vile-looking toes and fingers. Signed, Peeling.”

MAXINE MYERS: The good news is peripheral zombie virus is not currently a known variant of the disease.

PAULA COHEN: No, but athlete’s foot fungus sure is, especially if you live in a wet climate or do a lot of running in wet shoes.

MAXINE MYERS: The communal showers don’t help, either.

PAULA COHEN: That’s a fact.

MAXINE MYERS: So start by keeping your feet and hands as dry as possible between runs. Wool running socks can help. They’re less likely to harbor the fungus than cotton. Launder them well in hot water between wearings.

PAULA COHEN: And try anti-fungal cream or powder if you can find one. Most drugstores and markets had stocks, and the drug swaps have piles of it.

MAXINE MYERS: If that doesn’t work, you may need to consult your settlement’s medical practitioner or go to an area clinic if you have one. It could be a more serious disease, especially if you find you’re losing sensation in your extremities.

PAULA COHEN: It’s, uh, probably not leprosy, though.

MAXINE MYERS: Oh, right. Yeah, it’s really not likely to be leprosy.

PAULA COHEN: We’re the modern equivalent of Dr. Google, you realize, Maxie? We’re going to convince people that a headache is cancer and their bits are about to fall off.

MAXINE MYERS: Let’s play a song. I know just the one.

Chocolate Cake

PAULA COHEN: Mm, that song takes me back.

MAXINE MYERS: I know. Our first date, right?

PAULA COHEN: Maxine, you sly fox.

MAXINE MYERS: I’m sure I don’t know what you’re getting at.

PAULA COHEN: That’s what you’ve been getting up to.

MAXINE MYERS: In the hog pen?

PAULA COHEN: You deliberately ducked out of the show so I would be stuck here on air, didn’t you, and wouldn’t notice the fuss?

MAXINE MYERS: What fuss?

PAULA COHEN: [teary voice] Because it’s our 10th anniversary and you were setting up a surprise party, weren’t you?

MAXINE MYERS: Well, not much of a surprise now, I suppose. Here, you should unwrap this now.

[paper rustles]

PAULA COHEN: It’s an embossed tin box.

MAXINE MYERS: Ten is tin. Open it.

PAULA COHEN: Oh my God, Maxie. It’s - it’s a 19th century treponation kit! Hand crank!

MAXINE MYERS: You never know when a subdural hematoma might come along.

PAULA COHEN: This is the nicest thing anybody’s ever given me! Sam! Sam, were you in on this?

SAM YAO: Sorry, I had my-my headset off. What?

MAXINE MYERS: It’s okay, Sam, the jig is up.

PAULA COHEN: I can’t believe my whole family is conspiring against me.

MAXINE MYERS: But Sara was not involved!

SAM YAO: Oh look, your time’s up. Clear the studio, ladies.

PAULA COHEN: And go eat cake.

MAXINE MYERS: Chocolate cake.

PAULA COHEN: How did you even…? Oh, no no, you know what? I-I don’t want to know. I am just going to enjoy the magic.

SAM YAO: [deep radio DJ voice] And here’s a feel-good hit to play you home.

Codex

Supplies

The following supplies can be found in Season 7 Radio Mode.

9mm Ammo
Axe
Bandages
Baseball Bat
Batteries
Book
Bottled Water
Box of Lightbulbs
Cooking knife
Disposable camera
Garden tools
Makeup
Mobile Phone
Pain Meds
Penknife
Power Cable
Radio
Shirt
Shorts
Sleeping bag
Solar Charger
Sports Bra
Tinned Food
Tool Box
Toothbrush
Trainers
Trousers
Underwear
USB Key
Whisky