Zombies, Run! Wiki

Season 11 has begun! Travel further than ever before in search of a mysterious item left behind by old foes.

READ MORE

Zombies, Run! Wiki
Advertisement

They call it Radio Abel for a reason! The people of Abel come together to create a new slate of programming.

Cast[]

Transcript[]

New Beginnings...[]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [clears throat] Hello, ci-ti-zens. Welcome to the brand new broadcasts of Radio Abel. Yes, we’re back, bigger and better than ever before.

ZOE CRICK: Hmm, to be fair, we were never really gone. I mean, we were galavanting around the country for nine months -

PHIL CHEESEMAN: It was only galavanting!

ZOE CRICK: Well, you definitely galavanted on a few occasions. But we were on the air the whole time.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, but we weren’t broadcasting from Abel.

ZOE CRICK: It’s radio. [laughs] No one can see where we’re broadcasting from. For all they know, we could be broadcasting from inside an overgrown privet while nursing a nest of baby hedgehogs.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [sighs] You’re not going to let me have the moment, are you?

ZOE CRICK: Sorry. Sorry. [whispers] I’ll shut up. [out loud] Go on.

[both begin speaking simultaneously]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: This is the thing -

ZOE CRICK: The thing is, though -

[each taking a turn speaking]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [sighs] I’ll just play some music, shall I?

ZOE CRICK: Might be best.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, since Zoe isn’t going to let me celebrate what, let’s be honest, is a pretty historic moment – uh, not us being here, obviously. Not that full of myself. Just, um, Abel being back in the right hands – here’s a song that always makes me think about new beginnings.

Very Wise[]

ZOE CRICK: Funny, [laughs] that song always makes me think of bacon sandwiches, but maybe that’s just me.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: It is just you.

ZOE CRICK: Might not be.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: It is.

ZOE CRICK: They did make amazing bacon butties in St. Mary Settlement, though. Remember? With their own homemade tomato ketchup. Oh no, wait. [laughs] You always refused to eat them, for some reason.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh, because I got up early one day and I saw what they put into the ketchup.

ZOE CRICK: What? Why the hell didn’t you tell me?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, you’d already eaten about 70,000 by then. [sighs] Thought you’d be happier not knowing.

ZOE CRICK: So what was it?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You’d definitely rather not know.

ZOE CRICK: Phil…

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Are you really, really sure?

ZOE CRICK: Yes.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: All right, your lookout. It was ground-up – [ZOE CRICK interrupts]

ZOE CRICK: No, I changed my mind! [groans]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Very wise.

The Ancient Athenians[]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: It was quite fun touring around, though. I mean, after Abel drove Sigrid out and we weren’t in constant fear of our lives.

ZOE CRICK: Yeah, constant fear of our lives from other humans.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah. The zombies kind of go without saying. But I liked visiting all those settlements on the way here.

ZOE CRICK: Ellie would have had a field day. All those different ways people organized themselves. [laughs] It’s an anthropologist’s dream! Do you remember that one place - what was it called?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Templeton.

ZOE CRICK: That’s right! How could you possibly have known that was the place I was thinking of? We must have stayed in at least two dozen different settlements.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Because you’re weirdly obsessed with the way those guys picked their leader.

ZOE CRICK: Yes! They did it by lot.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Seemed pretty sensible to me.

ZOE CRICK: But don’t you get it? They’d recreated Athenian democracy, and they didn’t even know they had! They just spontaneously came up with the idea. Aw, it was so cool!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [laughs] Yeah. But on the other hand, they decided to settle all internal disputes with dance offs. One woman got away with nicking her neighbor’s pig because she was better at the American smooth.

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] Yeah. To be fair, that wasn’t something the ancient Athenians did, as far as we know.

New Canton[]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I’m sorry we didn’t get a chance to pop into New Canton on the way here, though.

ZOE CRICK: Fort Canton, you mean.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Ah. It’ll always be New Canton to me.

ZOE CRICK: Except for the fact it’s now a hive of scum and villainy.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Eh, always was a bit of a hive of that sort of thing.

ZOE CRICK: Not full-blown villainy, though. More a hive of somewhat questionable characters and not entirely moral behavior. Now we can’t go back there in case someone sells us out to Sigrid for a tin of beans.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah. But it’s not like Abel isn’t great. It is! And it’s got a much better board game collection.

ZOE CRICK: Which is obviously the important thing.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You’re the one who made a squeal of joy so high-pitched, bats could hear it when they saw they had a copy of Arkham Horror.

ZOE CRICK: True.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: One day, though.

ZOE CRICK: Yeah. One day.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: New Canton… yeah. New Canton, if you’re listening, this one’s for you.

Absent Friends[]

ZOE CRICK: It’s weird being back, though, isn’t it?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah. Good weird.

ZOE CRICK: Good and bad. I just… I keep finding their stuff everywhere! I opened a drawer yesterday and there were three old socks jammed in the back of it. None of them matched, and one of them had unicorns on it. Purple unicorns!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Wait, whose stuff?

ZOE CRICK: You know, our best friends who we don’t mention for safety reasons.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, yeah. Jody put you in their old room, didn’t she?

ZOE CRICK: Yeah. I asked her to.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Did you?

ZOE CRICK: I thought… oh, I don’t know.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You miss them!

ZOE CRICK: Well, I wouldn’t go that far.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You’re getting sentimental in your old age! Is that a little tear I can see in the corner of your eye?

ZOE CRICK: Right. Time for another song, and this one always makes me think about some friends.

Unmentionable 1 and 2[]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: We could just say their names.

ZOE CRICK: It isn’t safe.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: But, I mean, we’re back in Abel now. It’s not like when we were wanted fugitives.

ZOE CRICK: I’m not sure we were ever wanted, per se. I mean, the Ministry never put a price on our heads.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: But they talked about us in their propaganda broadcasts. They said you’re unnaturally fond of cats. Which, to be fair, you definitely are. But Ian’s dead now. We’re not having to move every five seconds. Abel’s Abel again.

ZOE CRICK: Yeah, but the Ministry’s still there. It’s not so much that they’re not after us anymore. It’s more that they’re after us and everyone we’re – we’re living with.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hmm. There’s safety in numbers.

ZOE CRICK: Or you know, [laughs] a bigger, juicier target. I just think we need to be careful.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [sighs] So what are we going to be calling them, then? Because you know we’re going to be talking about them. Unmentionable One and Unmentionable Two?

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] Oh, I like that! Mr. and Mr. Unmentionable and the young Unmentionables.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [laughs] Aw. What do you think they’re doing right now?

ZOE CRICK: Isn’t it pancake and, ugh, red cabbage day?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, you’re right! I definitely don’t miss Unmentionable Two’s cooking.

ZOE CRICK: Guys, [laughs] this one’s for you.

Medical Advice[]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: We’ve got something exciting for you today, listeners.

ZOE CRICK: We certainly have.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh, yes. Uh, something exciting.

ZOE CRICK: Something very exciting!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Will you stop it?

ZOE CRICK: Stop what? [laughs] Agreeing with you?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yes! It’s weird. Normally you’d say something like, “If that’s your idea of excitement, you need to get out more.”

ZOE CRICK: But Dr. Myers is going to be doing her own show about how to deal with the medical dangers of the post-apocalyptic world! That’s important stuff!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yes. It is. Only you wouldn’t normally… no, wait. Isn’t Maxine DMing that game of Demons and Darkness you’re in?

ZOE CRICK: Maybe.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Sam was going on about it last night. He said you all got in a big fight with some were-bees, and your character was fatally poisoned, and your life depends on a saving throw you’ll have to do next session.

ZOE CRICK: That could have happened, yes.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: And that had absolutely nothing to do with why you’re being so uncharacteristically nice about Maxine’s new radio segment?

ZOE CRICK: Nothing at all. So, listeners, for the best medical advice from the best doctor in town, keep listening.

Play A Song Now[]

MAXINE MYERS: Hi! I’m Dr. Maxine Myers from Abel Township, and I’m here to answer your medical questions live, on air. Because as we all know, six years into the current zombie apocalypse, the National Health Service and access to medical care isn’t what it used to be.

Sam has patched me into the Radio Cabel feed, so please email me at my Rofflenet address with all your questions on how to stay healthy, and I’ll give you the best advice I can under the circumstances.

[sighs] I’m going to confess to you, listeners, I do feel kind of weird about doing this. But I don’t care if a lot of people think I’m a mad scientist. It’s not true. And you still need doctors. I promise I will only ever give good, solid advice, and I hope that’s enough.

Okay. I’m going to play a song now.

Oh Twinkies[]

MAXINE MYERS: Hi! Welcome back to Ask Dr. Maxine, and here’s our very first question! I’m actually sort of excited!

Too Skinny in Scarborough writes, “Dear Dr. Maxine, I’ve always tried to eat healthily, even after Z-Day, and I run many miles every day along the rocky coast where I fish and collect seaweed and bird’s eggs. But I’ve realized, after suffering through the past few winters, that I need to gain some weight and insulation before the cold weather gets here. What’s the fastest way to put on a couple of stone?”

Well, Skinny, that is an excellent question. And I can’t believe I’m recommending this, but of all the foods available to us in the post-apocalypse pantry, packaged cakes and sugary alcohol will pack on the pounds like nothing else. I am talking Tia Maria, cheap Schnapps, the sort of stuff teenagers drink. I mean, not, of course, that teenagers should drink. It’s terrible for them.

Those packaged sweets are all extremely durable! They might not be the freshest, but if there’s no visible mold or bad smell, they should be safe to eat, if not very nice. And you might still be able to find some in local shops if you’re in a low survivor population area and a lot of them haven’t yet been looted. So be on the lookout for Jaffa Cakes, if you can find any lately. I’m hearing there’s a shortage. Also, all those kind of things. Bakewell tartlets, Twinkies… oh, I miss Twinkies!

Be Right Back[]

MAXINE MYERS: Breaking Up is Hard To Do writes, “Dear Dr. Maxine, I’m afraid my housemate has broken his leg. He was kicked in the shin by our cow and has been in pain ever since. The bone doesn’t seem to be out of alignment and he can wiggle his toes, but the lower leg is swollen and he can’t put any weight on it at all. What do I do?”

Okay, Breaking, wiggling your toes is not actually diagnostic for a broken bone, despite what your mom might have said. So you have a problem, but things could be a lot worse. If your housemate had a complicated fracture, you’d need to manually realign the bone, which takes a good deal of strength and is very painful.

You can make an informed guess as to whether it’s actually a simple fracture by noticing whether the legs appear to be the same length. If they are, you’re in luck, after a fashion. If not, write back as soon as you can, and we’ll talk about traction and how to reduce a fracture, which is a fancy medical way of saying how to set a bone.

[comms shack door opens]

PAULA COHEN: Maxie, I hate to interrupt, but I need you at the changing table, stat.

MAXINE MYERS: Yeah, honey, I’m on air – no. No, of course, I will be right there. Be right back, listeners, and in the meantime, enjoy this song.

Little Problem[]

MAXINE MYERS: And we’re back! Sorry about that unexpected break, listeners, but diaper rash comes first.

So today on Ask Dr. Maxine, we’re answering a question on how to splint a simple fracture. Modern splinting techniques are almost identical to those used by Galen in Rome in the 2nd century AD, so that’s more good news. You don’t need any fancy tech for this.

What you do need to do first is find the pulse in the patient’s foot. Now, this will be either in the little vein you can generally see on top of the foot, or it’ll be behind the ankle bone. Once you’ve found it, remember where. You’re going to need it later.

Now, you want to get two boards or other strong, straight pieces of wood, or metal, or plastic, as long as the patient’s whole leg or a little longer. Remove the clothing on the injured leg and lay the boards on either side, inside and out. You can pad them with old socks or strips of cloth so they’re more comfortable.

[comms shack door opens]

PAULA COHEN: Maxie, I’m really sorry to interrupt you again - hello, listeners – but we need you for a little problem out behind the chemical sheds.

MAXINE MYERS: [sighs] Yeah, of course, dear. Listeners, we’ll be right back.

A Story For Another Day[]

MAXINE MYERS: Listeners, a word of advice! If you’re working with caustic chemicals, make sure your eyewash stand is properly operational. It could save your sight.

So, when we left our broadcast, you had just found some straight sticks to make a splint with. Now, you’re going to tie a long strip of strong cloth such as a necktie around the leg and the boards at the top of the thigh, snugly but not too tight.

After you’ve done this, check to make sure you can still feel the pulse where you found it before. If you can’t, it’s too tight, and you have to retie. But if you can get more than two fingers between the leg and the cloth by pushing gently, it’s too loose.

Repeat this process down the leg. When you get to the foot, you’re going to need to create a sling to hold the foot immobile as well, which you do by winding cloth around the foot and tying it around the sticks as well.

[comms shack door opens]

PAULA COHEN: Hey, Maxie.

MAXINE MYERS: I’ll be back with you after this song. You know, this is the one that reminds me of the first time I ever had to set a broken limb. [laughs] Now, there’s a story for another day.

Eventually Be Able To Dance[]

MAXINE MYERS: Okay! Aftercare for a broken leg, before we’re interrupted again. The patient needs to stay entirely off the leg for several weeks, and remain on crutches for at least six weeks, and preferably eight, depending on how the leg seems to be healing.

A splint does not provide nearly the same protection as a proper cast, and must be inspected and possibly retied daily. It should also be removed every couple of days, the padding replaced, and the leg inspected for pressure injuries.

This might be a good time for your housemate to learn knitting, spinning, and other useful and entertaining skills that can be done while lying down. Good luck! With proper care, the prognosis for a simple break of this apparent kind is excellent. So with a little luck, he’ll eventually be able to dance to this next song.

But First, Some Music[]

STEVE SISSAY: Hello, listeners, and welcome to A Guide to Effective Problem-Solving and Conflict Resolution, an audio series with me, your host, Steve Sissay. You can call me the Builder. I’ll be covering the simplest, fastest, and most efficient ways to achieve what you need to achieve to survive and thrive in the modern world, [clears throat] occasionally, with [?].

Coming up on the show, we’ll be covering plastic explosives and answering the question: Semtex vs. C-4? If you have the option, which should you grab? But first, some music. And this first one is for you. You know who you are.

Use Initiative[]

STEVE SISSAY: We’ve all been in situations only explosives can solve. Perhaps there’s a building full of zoms over the entrance to an underground bunker that’ll keep you and your people safe. Perhaps you need to blast your way through a partially occluded mountain tunnel. Maybe there’s a tree stump right in the middle of a field you’re planning to use to plant dwarf wheat.

All of these can be life and death situations. All of these are serious, and you have to ask yourself: what are the pros and cons of the various explosives you might be able to get your hands on via the black market? And if you’re in a pinch, can you use a piece of C-4 the size of the top joint of your thumb in place of a heat tab to cook your rations? Have a think about those questions, listeners. Use your initiative, and work out what you think the answers are. I’ll be back before you know it.

Stick To Homebrew Beer[]

MAXINE MYERS: Today we have a question about poisonous mushrooms. Fungophile from Felixstowe writes, “Dear Dr. Maxine, I found these mushrooms with a white cap and black speckled gills underneath. After I ate them, I experienced accelerated heart rate, my legs didn’t work, and I had trembling and delirium.”

Ouch. Well, Fungophile, it sounds like you found a poisonous mushroom, and you are very lucky to be alive to talk about it. Mushrooms are delicious, but it is best to leave the collecting wild specimens to the experts.

Oh. Oh, wait. There’s, uh, more below the fold. Oh. Well, Fungophile from Felixstowe goes on to ask, “Where do I find more?” Fungophile, maybe stick to home brew beer. It is a lot less likely to kill somebody.

Come On In[]

MAXINE MYERS: Hi there! This is Dr. Maxine, answering your post-apocalyptic medical questions live, on air. Infected in Essex writes, um, “How much pus is too much pus?” Well, Infected, pus in general is not a great sign. It means your body is fighting an infection - as you obviously know from the moniker you’ve given yourself - because it’s made up of dead white blood cells, casualties of combat, and some other organic materials. It does mean that you’re not a zombie, however, so that’s the great news. Zombies no longer have active white blood cells or active circulatory systems at all.

[comms shack door opens]

PAULA COHEN: Hey, Maxine, I was wondering – oh, you’re still broadcasting, aren’t you?

MAXINE MYERS: Paula, do you just want to come in and do the show with me?

PAULA COHEN: Well, it’s just that your rec time is the only time we have to spend together -

MAXINE MYERS: Paula.

PAULA COHEN: Yes?

MAXINE MYERS: Come on in!

Eat Cold Rations[]

STEVE SISSAY: So, are you sitting comfortably? I do hope so. I really want you to be comfortable, and safe. I’d really like you to be safe. But I know what you’re like. [laughs]

Back to the matter at hand. C-4. Can you cook with it in a pinch? Honestly, I wouldn’t recommend it. We’ve all heard the stories about people thinking it’d be hilarious to stamp on a piece of C-4, and ending up with one less foot than they started with. C-4 is stable, and it’s not likely to go boom if you set it on fire. But in the zombie apocalypse, how do you know what you’ve got your hands on is genuine C-4? If in doubt, eat cold rations.

A Tad Better-Informed[]

STEVE SISSAY: Let’s suppose you’ve hit the motherlode. You’ve come upon a survivalist’s stash of explosives, and let’s say you’re planning to take down a wall to gain swift and thorough entry to an enemy compound.

So, Semtex or C-4? I’ll level with you: there’s not much to choose between them. Semtex has that, well, distinctive smell. C-4 is a little more powerful, and more likely to come from military supply chains. So you’ve got the chance to be a tad better informed about what you’re really holding. Either one will get you where you want to be. And here’s a song that reminds me of where I really want to be right now.

Never Asks For Papers[]

STEVE SISSAY: Other considerations to bear in mind if you’re choosing between Semtex and C-4 – the Ministry is still manufacturing C-4 in small quantities, whereas Semtex probably hasn’t been made since the apocalypse, and it can degrade. So I’m thinking, if you’ve really got the choice of taking down a wall with either one, go C-4. You’re likely to have a more reliable experience.

On the other hand, if you’re trying to gain access to a building, always remember to consider non-explosive methods of entry. Perhaps there’s an unguarded bay window at the back of the property, or perhaps a person might be able to sneak through at 6:30 PM at Gate North 63, where I hear the guard is someone who owes me a favor. And there’s a tapas bar on the city side that never asks to see papers.

Back After This...[]

ZOE CRICK: I still think we should stick with Radio Free Abel, though. It’s got a real ring to it.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: But Abel is free. That’d be like Radio Eat Breakfast just after we’ve had a big fry-up.

ZOE CRICK: Radio Eat Breakfast?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You know what I mean.

ZOE CRICK: How about Radio Phil One Day Making Sense? There’s not much chance of events overtaking that.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [sighs] The point is, Abel is free, so now it’s just Radio Abel.

ZOE CRICK: I just… I know New Canton – I mean, Fort Canton’s not on our side anymore. They’re not really on anyone’s side. But that’s still where we’re from, and lots of our friends are still there. I think we should go back to being Radio Cabel.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Ooh, ooh. Uh, I’ve had an idea.

ZOE CRICK: Oh God.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: No, it’s a great idea.

ZOE CRICK: Is it, though?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah. We’ll be right back with it after this.

Knowledge Of Human Nature[]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Right. So what we should do is, we should have a Rofflenet poll to decide what to call the station.

ZOE CRICK: That might be the worst idea you’ve ever had. And you once decided to make a peanut butter and Cheez Whiz sandwich because Unmentionable One swore it was a Canadian delicacy.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Actually, it tasted all right.

ZOE CRICK: You were throwing up for three hours.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Anyway, what’s wrong with a poll? Don’t you trust our listeners?

ZOE CRICK: I do trust them. I trust them to decide we should rename the station Radio McRadioFace.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, ye of little faith.

ZOE CRICK: Oh, me of actual knowledge of human nature.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, I think it’s a good idea. [ZOE CRICK sighs] So, citizens, why don’t you contact us on Rofflenet to let us know what you think. We’ll be right back after this.

McRadiostationface[]

ZOE CRICK: So… you want to have a Rofflenet poll to decide whether we should have a Rofflenet poll to decide what our new name is? [PHIL CHEESEMAN makes an affirmative sound] But why stop there? [laughs] We should get people to vote on Rofflenet about whether having a Rofflenet poll about whether to have a Rofflenet poll to decide our new name is a good idea.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [sighs] Now you’re just being silly.

ZOE CRICK: Oh, now I’m being silly.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Come on, Zo. It’ll be fun!

ZOE CRICK: Mm.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Go on. Please.

ZOE CRICK: [sighs] Fine. But if we end up being called Radio Station McRadioStationFace, you’re the one who’s going to be saying it at the start of each broadcast.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Deal.

ZOE CRICK: All right then, listeners. [laughs] We’re putting ourselves in your hands. We’ll be setting up a poll on Rofflenet so you can let us know what you want all-new Radio Abel to be called. And to get you thinking along the right lines, have a listen to this.

For The Operation[]

ZOE CRICK: Now there’s a song that’ll sooth what ails you. And remember, listeners, if you’ve got any ailments of your own, Maxine and Paula are waiting to take your calls.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh, actually, I thought I might pop over and see them myself.

ZOE CRICK: Come down with a mild dose of malaria again, have you?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: That could have been malaria.

ZOE CRICK: You had one mosquito bite and a slight cough.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Anyway, it’s not malaria. I think I’ve got blood poisoning.

ZOE CRICK: Really? That’s pretty serious.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah. I got this splinter in my thumb, and it’s gone all infected. Look.

ZOE CRICK: I can’t see anything.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: There!

ZOE CRICK: Well, that little tiny thing?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, it’s not like I can just pop down to the casualty department if it gets worse, is it? In the Middle Ages, people used to die of ingrown toenails!

ZOE CRICK: I really don’t think they did.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, anyway, it hurts.

ZOE CRICK: Right. Where’s that sewing kit Jody brought over the other day when my button fell off?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: No, you don’t.

ZOE CRICK: You want that splinter out or not?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I want a professional to do it!

ZOE CRICK: I am a professional! Do you know how many splinters I’ve removed from various children in my time? Of course, none of them were as much of a baby about it.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Fine.

ZOE CRICK: Good. Right. Here’s the needle. Now I just need a lighter.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Lighter? What are you going to do, burn it out?

ZOE CRICK: [sighs] We’ll be back shortly, listeners. I’m just going to strap Phil down to this chair for the operation.

Helped To Motivate[]

ZOE CRICK: Oh, I meant to ask. Did you hear about that wall of heroes they put up in Burton’s End?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, that’s the statelet that used to be a nudist colony, isn’t it?

ZOE CRICK: Still is, apparently. Unsurprisingly, their zombie-inflicted mortality rate is really quite high. Also, half of them have come down with hypothermia last winter.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: So they’ve got a wall of heroes?

ZOE CRICK: Yep. Heroes of the resistance. And guess who’s on it?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, uh, Janine, Sam, Jody -

ZOE CRICK: Us, you dork! I mean, also Janine, and Sam, and Jody, but I don’t care about them.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: That’s nice. But – but we’re hardly heroes of the resistance, are we?

ZOE CRICK: Mm, we did do something quite heroic, in a hearts and minds sort of way. Our lives were at actual risk.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Does it count as heroic if you complain about it as much as you did? Near constantly, in fact?

ZOE CRICK: Well, there was a lot to complain about.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: It was your idea in the first place. Uh, oddly. Usually, you’re not very keen on the idea of imminent danger and bodily discomfort.

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] I think you’ll find I’m a very giving person. My people called, and I listened.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Really. That’s really why you decided to come back.

ZOE CRICK: Of course. Why else? And here’s a song that helped motivate me.

Still Got No Idea[]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh my God.

ZOE CRICK: What?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, my God.

ZOE CRICK: What?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: “I’m a very giving person” my ass! I’ve found you out, Miss Crick. I know your dirty little secret.

ZOE CRICK: I have literally no idea what you’re talking about.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Should have recognized that look in your eye back on the island.

ZOE CRICK: What look?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: The same look Pushkin gets when he’s hungry and there’s still an hour to go until his dinnertime. It’s not food you were hungry for, if you get my drift.

ZOE CRICK: I really, really don’t.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Then there was that time you made us walk all the way to the other side of the island to raid the dentist’s office for magazines.

ZOE CRICK: I wanted to give Eu – I mean, He Who Should Not Be Named For Security Reasons - some ideas for his knitting. There are only so many hot water bottle covers any one household needs.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: But it wasn’t the knitting patterns you were looking at, was it? It was the peole wearing the knitting patterns, if you know what I mean.

ZOE CRICK: Nope. Still got no idea. We’ll be back right after this, when Phil will hopefully regain use of his senses!

Unbelievable[]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: “Needing to get your leg over.” That’s what you said.

ZOE CRICK: I might have mentioned that urge last night, yes. After two glasses of moonshine and a very intense game of D&D. Why are you suddenly bringing that up now?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: That’s what it’s all been about. There you were, with The Inhabitants of the Island Who Can’t Be Named, and half of them related to you, and half of them… just not that into you, and stroking cats can only get you so far. At least, I don’t ever want to know if you got further than so far. So that’s why we left.

ZOE CRICK: If you recall, we left because Abel and the country needed us, which frankly, shows what a mess both Abel and the country were in. We took our show on the road for the greater good.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: And also because you were desperate for a shag.

ZOE CRICK: How dare you suggest - ! No, you’re right. I mean, it wasn’t just about getting a bit of how’s your father. It was definitely also about helping Abel and the country. But the how’s your father may have been the deciding factor when I was weighing up the pros and cons of putting my life in near constant danger for no hope of payment or reward.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Unbelievable. We’ll be back, citizens, right after this.

Nope![]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: So did you get any?

ZOE CRICK: Any what?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You know. [?].

ZOE CRICK: A lady never tells.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yes, she does. A lady always tells, usually in a lot more detail than a gentleman wants to hear it, even after he begs her to stop.

ZOE CRICK: Fine! No, I didn’t. As it turns out, being on the run in a country run by a hostile sociopath and crawling with zombies isn’t the ideal setup for dating. Who’d have thought?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: But we’re back in Abel now.

ZOE CRICK: Oh, what does that look on your face mean? I know that look.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Nothing…

ZOE CRICK: Oh, nothing, my ass. Well, whatever it is, you can forget about it. I can take care of my own love life, thank you very much. [sighs] I think it might be time for a song.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Aw, but I - !

ZOE CRICK: Oh, nope!

Find A Date[]

ZOE CRICK: You know what we could do, though?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh, something I’m not going to like, would be my bet.

ZOE CRICK: To be fair, you’d win that bet.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: All right. Out with it, then.

ZOE CRICK: The thing is, I don’t need any help getting what I want now I’m back in Abel. You, on the other hand -

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Are you saying I’m undatable?

ZOE CRICK: No! You’re lovely! In an incredibly annoying way, obviously. [laughs] Anyone would have a lovely date with you. But you’re totally rubbish at getting people to actually go on dates with you.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: No, I’m not.

ZOE CRICK: When was the last time you went on a date?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: We’ve been running for our lives.

ZOE CRICK: And we’ve been back in Abel nearly a week. I’ve been on four dates since then, using the term “date” very loosely. How many have you been on?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Four? Who on earth did you go on four -

ZOE CRICK: Not the point! The point is, I’m going to find you a date, and our listeners are going to help. More after this.

Team Radio Name Pending[]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: So do I get any say in this?

ZOE CRICK: Well, I’m not going to make you go out with people.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Good.

ZOE CRICK: No, actually, I am going to make you go out with them. But only once, and if you don’t like them, you can stop. Because I know what you’re like. You’re so picky! You won’t give people a chance.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: There’s nothing wrong with having standards.

ZOE CRICK: Yeah! Standards like, “Must have excellent food scavenging and zombie killing skills.” It’s when your standard is, “Must be able to name every Alan Parsons Project album in order” that you start to run into difficulties.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I like the Alan Parsons Project.

ZOE CRICK: Which may be another reason you have a problem finding dates. But don’t worry. Zoe and the Radio Name Pending team are on the case. Just leave it to us, and listen to this. Might help to broaden your tastes.

A Natural[]

MAXINE MYERS: Today, we’re talking infections. A pus-y wound needs to be treated immediately. If it’s small and there’s no sign of infection is spreading, or that the wound has abscessed and isn’t draining, a topical antibiotic cream applied directly to the wound will help. If you don’t have antibiotic cream, even a liquid antibiotic soap can help.

However, if there are radiating red lines from the wound, a deep or non-draining abscess, or a fever, your patient needs systemic antibiotics, which might be tricky to find. Pharmacies and hospitals are your best bet. You might need to visit a library to find out what the appropriate dose by weight is. Or you can try refining your own penicillin, if you know how, but that is dicey in a home situation and requires some specialized equipment.

PAULA COHEN: Ooh, I know how to do that! You - ! But uh, yes, listeners. If you’re not medically qualified, don’t try to do it without clear instructions. How was that?

MAXINE MYERS: You are a natural, babe.

Start By Shaking Hands[]

MAXINE MYERS: Today, Just A Little Concerned writes, “Can just a part of me become a zombie? I think I might have an evil hand.” Well, Concerned, there have been no reported cases of partial zombification of which I am aware. There is, however, a neurological condition called alien hand syndrome, in which a part of the brain that controls one hand is not communicating with the conscious mind. So you can breathe a sigh of relief, Concerned. Your hand is probably not evil or undead.

PAULA COHEN: Not evil or undead, just alien. Alienated? [laughs] Because that’s not a problem at all.

MAXINE MYERS: [laughs] It’s, uh, it’s less of a problem. I don’t know. Concerned, try making friends with your hand!

PAULA COHEN: [laughs] You can start by shaking hands with it.

And On That Note[]

MAXINE MYERS: Our old friend Infected in Essex is back again. Infected writes, “Dear Dr. Maxine, could you please tell me how to grow the homebrew penicillin you mentioned?”

PAULA COHEN: Ooh, Maxie, I can still answer this one.

MAXINE MYERS: Yeah, I’m not – I’m not sure this is such a great idea, but yeah, go for it.

PAULA COHEN: Okay, right. Growing penicillin mold and refining the penicillin to a pure enough state to use without contamination is going to be almost impossible without lab equipment. First, you need some moldy cantaloupe, citrus peel, or wheat bread. You want the bright bluish green mold.

MAXINE MYERS: Some people, of course, are allergic to penicillin and it will kill them.

PAULA COHEN: Well, that’s true! And remember that guy you knew in med school who wound up needing his hand amputated?

MAXINE MYERS: And on that note, listeners, we’ll be right back after this song.

With A Wrecking Bar[]

MAXINE MYERS: Hello! And welcome back to Ask Dr. Maxine, where my wife, Paula, is explaining how to kill yourself by trying to grow your own antibiotics on the counter at home.

PAULA COHEN: Right. So, we’re assuming that the penicillin won’t kill you faster than the infection, and that you have found your specimen. Now, incubate that bluish green mold on more citrus, melon, or bread in a sterilized container. A canning jar will do if you don’t have a Erlen flask. Now, don’t put the lid on too tight. The mold needs oxygen to grow. It must be incubated at about 20 degrees Celsius for about a week, at which point, you have a flask – or jar! - crawling with blue fuzz.

And a problem. Because there’s no telling what on earth is in there with that good mold other than rotten food, which you don’t want to smear on a wound or serve to a sick person, and the purification process is complex and requires esoteric ingredients.

You know, you’re better off just breaking into a chemist’s shop and rummaging around behind the counter. You’re less likely to kill your patient with a horrible infection or by exposure to some other toxic mold product.

MAXINE MYERS: There you have it! Advice from our own resident mad scientist: don’t grow your own! It is a terrible idea!

PAULA COHEN: Well, it is the end of the world. I mean, I suppose you could slap a rotten lemon on your lesion and see, if you’re dying anyway.

MAXINE MYERS: Now here’s some music to enjoy while you’re running on down to that chemist’s shop with your wrecking bar.

Hope This Helps[]

MAXINE MYERS: Welcome to Ask Dr. Maxine. Our next question is from our old friend Infected in Essex, who I’m starting to think might be pulling my leg. And it involves a topic dear to the heart of every first year medical student – maggot debridement. Infected in Essex wants to know, “Dear Dr. Maxine, how do you use maggots to clean gangrenous flesh from a wound?” Well, Infected, if you’re desperate enough to try this, absolutely do not use maggots retrieved from zombie flesh, as they are likely to carry the disease.

PAULA COHEN: Ooh, there might be a paper in that.

MAXINE MYERS: The best means of procurement is to raise your own in a clean environment. First, take a piece of rotten meat and put it in a glass receptacle. Cover the mouth with a triple layer of cheese cloth, stretched out. You probably can’t find a rubber band that hasn’t gotten fragile, but a piece of string will work.

Place it near an open window and wait for carrion flies to lay their eggs on the muslin cover. The eggs will hatch out very quickly, and then you can use a clean camel-hair brush to transfer the maggots to the wound. The larvae will then eat the necrotic flesh, while ideally leaving the healthy behind. You will want to observe this process carefully, checking the wound on an hourly basis because the last thing you want is maggots tunneling into healthy flesh. If they start causing the patient pain, they need to be removed. Good luck. I, uh… I hope this helps.

A Serious Song[]

MAXINE MYERS: Today we have a question submitted without even a pseudonym. Always a good sign. “Dear Dr. Maxine, can zombie-ism be sexually transmitted? Asking out of concern for a friend.” Well, anonymous, the short answer is that I don’t have any experimental evidence on this topic, but it seems like a risky… no. No. You know what? I can’t answer that. Seriously, what is wrong with you? Do you think a zombie can meaningfully consent?

PAULA COHEN: Oh, sure, that’s the problem here.

MAXINE MYERS: Let’s just, um, play a song. Not a romance song. A serious, non-sexual song! Okay, honey?

Gory Details[]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: We should just ignore them.

ZOE CRICK: If we ignore them, they’ll think they’ve won.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: But if we ignore them, they won’t even know we got it.

ZOE CRICK: Well, they’re probably going to guess now, aren’t they?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: No. We could be talking about anything.

ZOE CRICK: But we’re not. We’re talking about some of the frankly less than flattering mails we’ve been getting on Rofflenet.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, they’re definitely going to guess now, aren’t they?

ZOE CRICK: Yes! Apparently, not everyone out there loves us. Who knew? We’ll fill you in on the gory details right after this.

So Get Voting[]

ZOE CRICK: That one’s for you, Disgruntled Listener #1.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Disgruntled Listener? Is that really what they signed themselves?

ZOE CRICK: No. But what they did sign themselves isn’t fit for family viewing.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Nor was most of what they said.

ZOE CRICK: I know. That’s why I’m only reading out edited highlights. Okay, here we go. “Dear REDACTED - ”

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Did they really say “dear”?

ZOE CRICK: No. Right, okay. “REDACTED REDACTED, so you want a name for your REDACTED radio show? How about this: the - ”

PHIL CHEESEMAN: REDACTED. That’s definitely REDACTED.

ZOE CRICK: “And if you really want to REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED egregious lack of loyalty to the legitimate British government in this time of crisis - ”

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Egregious?

ZOE CRICK: That’s what they wrote. Never let it be said our critics are badly educated.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Just very, very sweary.

ZOE CRICK: Well, anyway, we’ll be posting that name suggestion, unredacted, on Rofflenet, along with all the others you’ve sent in.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: We’ll what?

ZOE CRICK: So get voting. We’ll be back right after this.

A Wall Between Hearts[]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [sighs] Why the hell would you give people the chance to name us that?

ZOE CRICK: May I remind you that you’re the one who wanted to hold this naming poll in the first place?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: But I was only going to post the sensible suggestions on Rofflenet, not the incredibly insulting ones.

ZOE CRICK: Well, that’s hardly a fair poll, is it?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: What if they end up picking… oh, I can’t even say it. We’ll end up named something we can’t even say on air.

ZOE CRICK: No, we won’t. People won’t pick any of those names.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yes, they will! You’ve met people, right? You’ve interacted with other actual human beings, not just cats? [sighs] Of course they’re going to pick the stupidest name or most sweary name possible. It’s just human nature.

ZOE CRICK: No. You’re wrong. I mean, not about human nature. But this isn’t about us, it’s about Abel. It’s giving people all over the country a chance to let us know what they really think about Abel.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Half the country hates us, Zo.

ZOE CRICK: I don’t think they do. I don’t think people are that easily fooled, whatever Sigrid believes.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I see. Yeah, okay. Maybe you’re right.

ZOE CRICK: Or maybe I’m not, and we’re going to end up getting called something alarmingly genital.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [laughs] So prove Zoe right, and get voting.

ZOE CRICK: Because they might have built a wall across our land, but they can’t build a wall between our hearts.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: … did you really just say that?

Disinterested In Biting Animals[]

MAXINE MYERS: Hello, listeners! Welcome to Ask Dr. Maxine. This time, we have a question from Socially Awkward. Socially Awkward writes, “My neighbor thinks I’m a zombie. Are they paranoid? Should I be worried the next time I’m at one of their parties, they’ll tell all our friends that I ate their cat?”

Well, Awkward, the good news is that if you’re writing to me, you’re probably not a zombie, so your neighbor is not being realistic on that front. As for the other half of your question, if they claim that you ate their cat, and that is evidence of your zombie nature, you can point out that zombies generally don’t eat animals. Wait. Did you eat their cat?

Definition Of Cool[]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You know, I don’t think I’ve ever asked what your favorite tree is.

ZOE CRICK: Hmm, that’s because it’s a really stupid question. What sort of person has a favorite tree? Apart from you, obviously.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Come on, you must have thought about it.

ZOE CRICK: But I really haven’t.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Not even when you were a kid?

ZOE CRICK: I was even less interested in trees as a kid than I am now, and I currently have zero interest in trees.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Right. It’s just, I used to make lists.

ZOE CRICK: Of course you did.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You know, all that year’s new car models ranked by how fast they were. Top ten sweets and worst five sweets -

ZOE CRICK: Now you’re talking my language.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Anyway, I picked the sycamore. Top of the tree list.

ZOE CRICK: Well, [laughs] that’s random. I’d have pegged you for an oak man. Sturdy British values and all that. Plus, I guarantee you used to feed acorns to pigs when you were a boy.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: How’d you know that?

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] I know you, Philip Cheeseman.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well uh, anyway, it was because of the leaves, you know? The way they twirled down to the ground like little helicopters. Coolest thing ever.

ZOE CRICK: We need to have a conversation about your definition of cool.

23 Chippenham Avenue[]

ZOE CRICK: So what happened to the lists?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: What?

ZOE CRICK: You know, all those lists you made. Top ten dorkiest things Phil did when he was a kid, that sort of thing.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh. Uh, my mom kept them.

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] That’s sort of adorable.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: They’re all probably still there, in that little semi in Leeds, with all my school books and my Eagle Eye Action Man.

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] Let me guess: your parents kept your childhood bedroom exactly the same after you left home, didn’t they? Like a little shrine.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah. [sighs] Sometimes I think about someone else finding it. You know, now. Taking shelter in the house from the zombie horde and digging up all my rubbish English homework and those maps of imaginary places I used to draw. I just… [sighs] I don’t know. I imagine them looking at it and trying to figure out where I am or if I’m still alive. And here I am, wondering who they are, and hoping they’re okay.

ZOE CRICK: It’s a connection. I get that. I think.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah. So, if you are staying in Number 23 Chippenham Avenue, this one’s for you.

Right, Right.[]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: What happened to your childhood bedroom, then?

ZOE CRICK: Converted into an artist’s studio by my mom the day after I left for uni.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Not really.

ZOE CRICK: It wasn’t like I was using it.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: But - !

ZOE CRICK: Waste of space, otherwise.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: But what about all your stuff, though?

ZOE CRICK: Put in the attic, then left in the attic when Mom moved. She moved around a lot.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Wow.

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] If that’s a look of “Poor Zoe and her troubled childhood” on your face, you can remove it right now, Philip Cheeseman.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: It’s not.

ZOE CRICK: It is. Listen, my mom loved me. She was just practical. That’s probably why I turned out so well.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Right. Right, um, don’t go away, citizens. We’ll be right back after this.

Post-Apocalypse Values[]

MAXINE MYERS: Hello, and welcome back to Ask Dr. Maxine. Today’s question is from Missing My Brita, and reads, “What’s the best way to purify my water? Is boiling enough? Can zombie-ism be caused through drinking water?” Well, Brita, the zombie disease-causing agent seems to be extremely durable. There’s evidence of another outbreak centuries ago, and we’ve recovered viable strains. Some prion diseases can survive autoclaving, which is carried out at well over boiling temperature.

So your very best bet is to obtain your water from groundwater sources such as wells, which are less likely to be contaminated than surface sources. However, as far as all the evidence I’ve heard goes, a hard boil for at least 20 minutes will make water safe. Or you could try rigging a home still and making distilled water, which is actually pretty easy.

PAULA COHEN: For post-apocalyptic values of “pretty easy,” you mean.

MAXINE MYERS: Well, easier than it was to find a copy of this next song.

Signing Off - For Now[]

(Plays if Season 6 Mission 6: Bridge Over Troubled Water has been completed.)

PHIL CHEESEMAN: And that’s it for us, citizens.

ZOE CRICK: Not “it” it, but it for a while.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yes. In a show of comradeship with our close allies, Fort Canton, we’ll be -

ZOE CRICK: Comradeship? Don’t tell me Amelia didn’t bribe someone to get this to happen.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh, there was an offer to second some of Canton’s best runners to Abel long-term, yes. But that’s just the sort of mutually beneficial -

ZOE CRICK: Like I said, bribery.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Anyway, we’re going to be off the air for a little while to free up this frequency for Fort Canton’s very own Bernard, the voice from the township that’s going to be tearing up the airwaves in our absence.

ZOE CRICK: That was terrible! I mean, even graded on a curve of your terrible wordplays, that was bad.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, sometimes I’m just not feeling it. But we’ll be back before you know it. This is Radio Name Pending, signing off. For now.

A Special Favourite[]

BERNARD PRIOR: Ahoy-hoy to you, fair listeners! Bernard Prior here. Welcome to my very first broadcast out on jolly old airwaves with the thrilling premiere edition of New Canton Today! I’ll be keeping you up to date with all the movers and shakers in the shark-infested waters of our local political scene! [laughs] As it were.

But before that, I’m going to play you some sounds! Spinning the vinyl. [laughs] Good gracious, old Bernard is a disc jockey! So here we go. Kicking off with a special favorite of mine.

New Canton Today[]

BERNARD PRIOR: Welcome back to you, dear listeners. So, I’m sure you’re asking yourselves, if you have even an ounce of [?], what is that old fool doing on my wireless? What is this New Canton Today malarkey? Well, let me tell you, listeners, this is rather momentous for me, because I’m going to be talking politics.

Funnily enough, I considered going into the old politics, or perhaps the Foreign Office. You know, back in the day, when I was a young sapling. But it was not to be for your erstwhile Bernard Jr. However, our bountiful Lady Fortune has smiled upon me now, because the world is in a state of political turmoil. And the hub of that turmoil? Why, our very own New Canton.

So I welcome you now to a radio show about our modern world politic. I welcome you, friends, to New Canton Today!

Stay Tuned, Friends[]

BERNARD PRIOR: That was an appropriately dramatic track for our purposes. But now, tally-ho. Onwards, friends! Lickety-split, for there is more. New Canton Today is not merely an in-depth guide for you, faithful listeners, to the current state of our brave new world. It is going to be filtered through the enlightening lens of fair Lady History!

I studied a smidgen of history as a whippersnapper, and of course the old politics, philosophy, economics, and such like, and I am here to tell you all about how the ancient ideas of our forefathers are still at work in the fiefdoms and city states we see emerging today. Gripping stuff, what? Stay tuned, my friends! Stay tuned.

Liven Things Up[]

BERNARD PRIOR: Ahoy-hoy once more, and welcome back to New Canton Today, with me, your humble host, Bernard Prior. Now, let me present my thesis. I have heard our current times described as uprecedented, and while I don’t dispute that we don’t have a great deal of precedent for zombies running around all over the bally place, that aside, I have a humble theory, which is to say that these times are very much precedented.

If you will allow me to demonstrate, let me cover first the rudiments of Plato’s Republic, a work of genius that outline principles we still use even today.

AMELIA SPENS: Plato? Oh, give me strength. This is meant to be a fast-paced topical show, not ancient bloody history.

BERNARD PRIOR: Why ever not? I’m explaining the origins of democracy, Amelia. What could be more topical?

AMELIA SPENS: Good grief, your listeners must be tuning out in droves. The ones who are still awake. Stop droning on and play a tune to liven things up.

Oh, Too Late[]

BERNARD PRIOR: I don’t quite know why you’re here, Miss Spens. This is meant to be my show. You said division of labor. You said you run New Canton, and I, as your deputy, get to have a radio show.

AMELIA SPENS: You do! This is that radio show. Look at all this… radio… stuff.

BERNARD PRIOR: I know. But I thought it would be all mine.

AMELIA SPENS: It is! Sort of.

BERNARD PRIOR: Stop moving that fader, you’ll bring up the next – oh! Too late.

Riveting Stuff[]

BERNARD PRIOR: I just didn’t expect you to be copresenting with me, Miss Spens. It’s always a pleasure to be in your fragrant company, of course, but New Canton Today is very much my pièce de résistance. My magnum opus. I see myself as the auteur, the driving force, the big cheese -

AMELIA SPENS: Big ego, more like. Now stop being so silly. I can bring a lot to your show. Who knows more about local politics than me?

BERNARD PRIOR: True. But don’t you have more work to do, in doing… whatever it is you do?

AMELIA SPENS: Maybe I like spending time with you, Bernie! Now, here’s the stuff for your next bulletin. Make sure you read it all out on air. It’s riveting stuff.

Extreme Containment Measures[]

MAXINE MYERS: Welcome back to Ask Dr. Maxine. Today’s question is from someone writing under the name It Pays To Be Prepared. Prepared asks, “Can I self-amputate to remove a limb with a zombie bite and prevent the infection from spreading?”

Well, Prepared, it’s remotely possible that if a tourniquet is applied immediately after a bite to an extremity, and the surgery performed without delay, an emergency amputation or cauterization might prevent the infection from spreading. I don’t know of any experimental data to suggest success, however.

PAULA COHEN: You know, given the alternative, it might be worth a try, with the subject’s consent. However, I’d recommend keeping them restrained and under observation for at least 72 hours afterword. And to be prepared to carry out more extreme containment measures if they do, then, go gray. Sorry. Take care of yourselves.

It Is Possible[]

BERNARD PRIOR: Welcome back to New Canton Today! The latest news is that a new security allegiance has been formed between the First New Nation of New Freedom, and the Wombles. Oh, how jolly! Do you think they’re the actual Wombles?

AMELIA SPENS: No, Bernard, I think they’re a group of unwashed hippies who happen to live on Wimbledon Common and think they’re being adorable. If they picked up litter, it would be a bleeding miracle. Personally, I think they actually count as litter themselves.

BERNARD PRIOR: Oh. That is disappointing. I was hoping for a bit of childish wonder, there.

AMELIA SPENS: You were hoping for the real Wombles?

BERNARD PRIOR: It is possible, with mutations and such like, perhaps?

AMELIA SPENS: You’re ridiculous.

BERNARD PRIOR: Thank you, Miss Spens.

Boom, As They Say[]

BERNARD PRIOR: Oh, listeners, that was what I call a banging tune! When that beat dropped, well, I tapped my feet, let me tell ya! This is New Canton Today with Bernard Prior, comin’ atcha like Cleopatra! [laughs] Quick aside, listeners, Cleo was actually my first crush. What ho? Heavens, Bernie, I didn’t know you were that old! [laughs] You cheeky blighters! I merely had a much-loved copy of A Boy’s Illustrated Shakespeare. I have a thing for kohl to this day. Now, shall we have another? Oh, I jolly well think so. Boom! As they say.

Normality Plus Zombies[]

BERNARD PRIOR: Now, Amelia has gone to conduct some nefarious machinations, allowing your humble anchor man to finally get back to the point.

[clears throat] The first thing to recognize about our current political climate and the constantly changing political geography, our endless redrawn maps, is that this is not a new situation. Not at all! In fact, this ramshackle collection of townships and dukedoms, city states and smallholdings, is how mankind has often chosen to live. In ancient times, in the stem duchies of medieval Germany, the clans of bonnie Scotland, the homesteads of the American frontier. Oh, all over the blinking shop. This is not, dear friends, a calamitous sea change. Rather, on the grand stage of world history, this is a return to normality! I will concede, normality plus zombies.

First Line Of Treatment[]

MAXINE MYERS: Paula stepped out for a moment, but our current question is from Pulling Your Leg, and it, uh… oh, it’s a greeting card with a puppy on the front. This didn’t come by email. “Dear Dr. Maxine, I’m sorry about the Infected in Essex question. I wanted to give you a headstart before other letters started rolling in, but it seems like you’re going fine on your own. All love, HRH Jamie I, by the grace of God, King of England.”

Oh! Thanks, Your Majesty! It was a kind thought. It’s good to know that my instincts aren’t all bad. Just so you know, though, if anybody involved in this gets a necrotic wound, maggot debridement is the first line of treatment from now on.

Put The Kettle On[]

AMELIA SPENS: You know, Bernie, your last broadcast was actually quite fascinating.

BERNARD PRIOR: Thanks for sounding so surprised, dear heart.

AMELIA SPENS: Oh, you are quite impossible to compliment. I don’t know why I bother, sometimes.

BERNARD PRIOR: I was not aware that you ever bothered. Now if I could just go on to explain the Balkanization of the Ottoman Empire -

AMELIA SPENS: Oh, do. But first, what is a stem duchy?

BERNARD PRIOR: It’s a kind of biscuit.

AMELIA SPENS: If you’re going to be like – wait. Is it?

BERNARD PRIOR: No. But if you do have a biscuit, I am rather peckish.

AMELIA SPENS: I do, actually. Shall I play a track while you put the kettle on?

Jaffa Cakes?[]

BERNARD PRIOR: You know, Millie, pleasant as this is, tucked away in a warm studio, imparting wisdom to the unwashed masses, the afternoon sun dappling the grass through the window, there is one thing missing.

AMELIA SPENS: I know. It’s a finalization of Radial Territory’s import-export pact. Perhaps I shouldn’t vent like this on the airwaves with my status, but ugh! Those people! You’d think they’d never had a basic trade deal explained to them. Sad.

BERNARD PRIOR: No, that is actually not what I’m referring to. I can live without you being able to offload a surplus of cable knit pullovers. It’s these biscuits. These biscuits, as I’m sure you are aware, are deeply inferior to the great prince of biscuits. The king, duke, nay, the God of the cookie kind! I’m talking about Jaffa Cakes, my dear lady. Have you noticed it’s been a while since we last saw one?

AMELIA SPENS: Jaffa Cakes? Are you being serious?

BERNARD PRIOR: I am, as the young people say, as serious as cancer. Where are my goddamn Jaffa Cakes?

Nothing, Nothing[]

BERNARD PRIOR: I’ve considered asking that nice Sam Yao from Abel about the critical Jaffa Cakes situation. You know the chap.

AMELIA SPENS: Of course I do.

BERNARD PRIOR: Lovely man. So polite. And energetic! Excellent qualities in a young person. You know, if I was 20 years younger -

AMELIA SPENS: 20? More like 40 years younger. Wait. What? If you were 20 years younger, you’d what, exactly?

BERNARD PRIOR: Why, I’d challenge the lad to a game of one-on-one cricket. No point these days, though, sadly. He’d trounce me, with my knee.

AMELIA SPENS: I see.

BERNARD PRIOR: What did you think I meant?

AMELIA SPENS: Nothing! Nothing.

More Disappointment[]

BERNARD PRIOR: I never really knew you were so interested in politics.

AMELIA SPENS: I’m interested in power, Bernie. All forms of power. Knowing who’s allied with who, what could be more fascinating? I am surprised not everyone keeps up with it.

BERNARD PRIOR: Perhaps because it’s so complicated. Even an aficionado such as I has trouble. Who are the First New Nation of New Freedom?

AMELIA SPENS: They’re a group of ex-security guards. Basically, three vans full of bad tempers and cricket bats.

BERNARD PRIOR: Cricket bats? How jolly. Do they play?

AMELIA SPENS: They play at threatening to hit people with cricket bats.

BERNARD PRIOR: Oh. More disappointment.

Rummer And Rummer[]

BERNARD PRIOR: Still no Jaffa Cakes, I notice.

AMELIA SPENS: Hmm?

BERNARD PRIOR: I’ve been investigating the bickie drought. It’s quite mysterious. No one has seen hide nor hair of a smashing orangey bit for months now!

AMELIA SPENS: They’ve probably run out.

BERNARD PRIOR: Unless there’s more to it than that.

AMELIA SPENS: Oh, really? Like what?

BERNARD PRIOR: Like a conspiracy!

AMELIA SPENS: I doubt it. Look, we have Hobnobs.

BERNARD PRIOR: Hobnobs, pah! Hobnobs, Miss Spens, are not fit to kiss the booted toe of Lady Jaffa Cake! But I ask you this – why should we have a glut of Hobnobs and yet not a whisper of the Jaffa Cake? Hobnobs have their fans, misguided as they might be, and yet one biscuit vanishes while the other persists. It grows rummer and rummer, if you ask me. Listeners, fear not. I will get to the bottom of this travesty.

Biscuit Bangers[]

BERNARD PRIOR: This is Bernard Prior, and you’re listening to New Canton Today! Keep it locked! Oh yes, [laughs] I’m really getting the hang of this. This is Bernie P. on the airwaves, bringing you education, chat, and tunes every afternoon on New Canton Today! This is Bernard Prior, bringing you teatime tunes and biscuit bangers! [laughs] Nice.

The Game Is Afoot[]

BERNARD PRIOR: I’ve been tracking the movements of the last known shipments of Jaffa Cakes. Guess where they were last tracked?

AMELIA SPENS: Your tea tray?

BERNARD PRIOR: Radial Territory.

AMELIA SPENS: No!

BERNARD PRIOR: Ah, now she’s interested, listeners! Now she’s interested. The game is afoot, if I might make so bold.

Something More Definite[]

MAXINE MYERS: Today’s question is from On Everyone’s Mind, who asks, “Dear Dr. Maxine, who’s working on the cure? Is there a cure? I am not sure how much longer I can keep doing this without some kind of hope.”

[sighs] Well, Everyone, there is no cure. Yet! But a lot of people in various locations, including myself and Paula, are working on treatments and preventatives, and I am hopeful that before too long, that we will have something in trials. I – I wish I could tell you something more definite, but I just can’t, right now. Look um, let’s uh… let’s just go to a song now, shall we?

Poor Listeners[]

BERNARD PRIOR: Ahoy-hoy, dear listeners. And that blistering track leads me very nicely into today’s politcal section. Yes, that’s right. Amelia Spens, my occasional cohost and head girl, is off flexing her considerable deal-making muscles, leaving old Bernie free to delve into the murky depths of political history. How about time for some jolly old Marx on this gray afternoon? Das Kapital, what what?

AMELIA SPENS: Give me strength.

BERNARD PRIOR: Amelia? You’ve sneaked in again. I thought I’d locked the door, as we’re on air.

AMELIA SPENS: I know. I’ve had a master key made. Opens every door in New Canton. It’s just a little more convenient. For me. And it means I can get in here in case of urgent news, or if I don’t want you to know I’m coming.

BERNARD PRIOR: I see. How typically resourceful. And is there any urgent news?

AMELIA SPENS: Nah. Actually, things are pretty quiet. But I thought I’d stop by and make sure your program wasn’t veering into the murky jungles of the deadly dull again. This is meant to be a fast-paced, modern, topical show. Have you considered doing some humorous skits?

BERNARD PRIOR: Not really. So no Marx?

AMELIA SPENS: No Marx, Bernie! Play a song, and if you must do this educational thing, find something a little more dynamic for your poor listeners.

Indeed It Will[]

BERNARD PRIOR: Change of plan, listeners. Today, I would love to talk about the very appropriate, upbeat, and dynamic Signor Niccolò Machiavelli and his seminal work, The Prince.

AMELIA SPENS: Oh, much better! This might even be interesting.

BERNARD PRIOR: Indeed, it will. And we’ll be right back with that after this.

Or Profit Margins[]

BERNARD PRIOR: Now, ever patient and radiant listeners, I did say I would love to tell you about Machiavelli’s The Prince, a work which, from memory, contains a wealth of advice and guidance to the stripling ruler of a fiefdom in how to make allies and subvert enemies. The incisive thinker Machiavelli invites the prince to put his own interests at the heart of his policies, for are not his interests those of the nation?

Now, listeners, I would love to read you some favorite passages, if I had a copy of the book. Sadly, I don’t. And as you’re probably aware, Amelia, the British Library is on the other side of the wall.

AMELIA SPENS: Is it?

BERNARD PRIOR: It is. And most of the smaller libraries have been raided for fuel.

AMELIA SPENS: Oh yes! I did a roaring trade in book bundles a while back. “Roaring” trade, get it?

BERNARD PRIOR: You sold books for burning?

AMELIA SPENS: Of course. People were cold, Bernie.

BERNARD PRIOR: But Amelia, books! The knowledge of humankind. Would you set light to the Library of Alexandria because you got a bit chilly?

AMELIA SPENS: People weren’t chilly, B. They had hypothermia. You think a person freezing to death shouldn’t burn a book to stay warm?

BERNARD PRIOR: It’s the principle!

AMELIA SPENS: Really? They ought to freeze?

BERNARD PRIOR: Perhaps not. It’s an interesting quandary. I know to you, it made a tidy profit.

AMELIA SPENS: I had overheads.

BERNARD PRIOR: Listeners, I think that is as good a lesson on the politics of self-interest as I could have taught with a book in my hand. Until next time, try not to burn any books unless it’s a matter of life or death.

AMELIA SPENS: Or profit margins.

Burning Questions[]

BERNARD PRIOR: Welcome to New Canton Today. A new trading bloc was formed yesterday afternoon between Radial, Pop Max and Kix after talks between Kix and our own New Canton broke down late last week under mysterious circumstances.

AMELIA SPENS: Damn them, damn them all! Let me tell you, I will crush them!

BERNARD PRIOR: She doesn’t mean that, listeners.

AMELIA SPENS: I do! I promised Kix wheelie trainers. How could they betray me like this?

BERNARD PRIOR: I think I’ll play a track, let our glorious municipal leader rant in peace. And stay tuned. Remember, we have that exclusive interview with the Minister coming up soon! Send me your burning questions.

Don't Go Anywhere[]

BERNARD PRIOR: And now on New Canton Today, dearest hearts, some jolly thrilling news! Coming up very soon, a series of live interviews with our new world leaders. First up, a real coup! Although one hopes not a literal coup. [laughs] The Minister herself has agreed to participate in a brief interview with the aim of “bringing the loyal people of Fort Canton to their senses.”

So, shall we have sense or nonsense? What say you, listeners? With what questions would you like to probe, provoke, and perhaps preempt the woman who calls herself the ruler of the United Kingdom? Send me your questions for the Minister, Sigrid Hakkinen, as soon as you can. And don’t go anywhere. Stay, as they say, tuned.

Most Delicious Teatime Treat[]

BERNARD PRIOR: Millie, do sit down.

AMELIA SPENS: I can’t believe you’ve asked me to be on your program.

BERNARD PRIOR: Think of yourself as a special guest. Perhaps not that special, given how regularly you appear unscheduled. But this time, I want your input on the most pressing matter covered by New Canton Today.

AMELIA SPENS: If it’s another discussion of Nietzsche, I’m pulling the plug. Literally, I’ll pull this one. [boing sound effect]

BERNARD PRIOR: Please don’t touch that. [laughs] It’s my comic sound effects panel. You wanted more humor.

AMELIA SPENS: Oh, Bernard. I really shouldn’t leave you alone in here.

BERNARD PRIOR: Let’s move on. Our subject for discussion. It is, [imitates fanfare] Jaffa Cakes!

AMELIA SPENS: Oh, really? Any more news about Radial?

BERNARD PRIOR: All the most recently tracked shipments of Jaffa Cakes end up there. I have a few chaps working on it.

AMELIA SPENS: So Radial’s goons like bickies. Interesting!

BERNARD PRIOR: It’s not that. There are too many shipments. Radial’s population couldn’t have eaten that many Jaffa Cakes if they’d had them for supper every night!

AMELIA SPENS: Then what?

BERNARD PRIOR: Stockpiling.

AMELIA SPENS: But why?

BERNARD PRIOR: Millie, what happened to me when I couldn’t get my Jaffa Cakes anymore?

AMELIA SPENS: You did get a bit desperate. To be honest, you weren’t the only person who mentioned it to me. The British love their Jaffa Cake – oh, those devious - !

BERNARD PRIOR: - cads! I’m sure you were about to say cads. Remember, we’re on the air. But yes, I do believe someone is trying to create scarcity value of the world’s most delicious teatime treat.

That Illuminating Interview[]

BERNARD PRIOR: What a jolly tune. And how appropriate for our guest. Live via comms broadcast, I am quite thrilled to welcome to New Canton Today, Sigrid Hakkinen! Welcome.

SIGRID HAKKINEN: [static]

BERNARD PRIOR: Wonderful. Now my technician is in my ear telling me that the listeners can’t hear you due to a technical - ?

SIGRID HAKKINEN: [static]

BERNARD PRIOR: I see. Ah, I see.

SIGRID HAKKINEN: [static]

BERNARD PRIOR: Deliberate, you say?

SIGRID HAKKINEN: [static]

BERNARD PRIOR: Did you really?

SIGRID HAKKINEN: [static]

BERNARD PRIOR: Listeners, it appears the Minister’s actual words won’t be audible due to a new security directive? I’m not sure whose security directive. Possibly one of the several settlements between us and London is refusing to relay transmissions. But apparently I can pass your questions on to the Minister.

SIGRID HAKKINEN: [static]

BERNARD PRIOR: Right. Righty-ho. [laughs] Listeners, I need to also inform you that the Minister will not be answering any of your actual questions due to… danger of infiltration by factions? So perhaps if I may ask a question of my own devising, Minister? Will you be putting in place any measures for free passage of books across the wall?

SIGRID HAKKINEN: [ringing static]

BERNARD PRIOR: I see. Apparently, listeners, the answer is no, and also, that is already all we have time for. So thank you, Minister. [laughs] I hope you all enjoyed that illuminating interview! Here’s a tune that I’m sure will prove appropriate.

First Love[]

BERNARD PRIOR: Ahoy-hoy, listeners! Welcome to my first ever broadcast of late night New Canton Today. The adult New Canton Tonight, if you will. And let’s kick off with a terrific song that always reminds me of my first love, Margot. This is for you, Margot, wherever you are. I still think about you.

The Jaffa Cakes[]

BERNARD PRIOR: Now listeners, the second in our series of interviews with today’s modern leaders. Welcome down the line Radial’s leader, Phantasma Ooley. Hello there, Phantasma! May I call you Phanny?

PHANTASMA OOLEY: Please don’t.

BERNARD PRIOR: I knew a boy at school whose nanny was called Fanny. Oh, how we howled! But enough digression. Phantasma, first, congratulations on your new trade allegiance with Pop Max and Kix. Can I ask – Radial are known for their lack of resources. However did you lure such big players?

PHANTASMA OOLEY: Kix are a great faction, a truly wonderful faction. Everyone knows they came with us because they are smart people.

BERNARD PRIOR: And you didn’t, by any chance, lure them with a scarce commodity that has become more and more desirable in recent months?

PHANTASMA OOLEY: I beg your pardon?

BERNARD PRIOR: The Jaffa Cakes, Phantasma. I’m talking about the Jaffa Cakes.

A Sample Of The Goods[]

PHANTASMA OOLEY: And this is completely off the record?

BERNARD PRIOR: Absolutely. The mic is off, I assure you.

PHANTASMA OOLEY: And you want a crate?

BERNARD PRIOR: I do! I really do.

PHANTASMA OOLEY: And what can you offer us in return?

BERNARD PRIOR: Oh, my dear. I only have access to Amelia Spens.

PHANTASMA OOLEY: I see. [laughs] I think we can do business.

BERNARD PRIOR: Marvelous. Marvelous. However, I will be requiring a sample of the goods up front.

PHANTASMA OOLEY: That’s - ! … We don’t do that.

BERNARD PRIOR: Those are my terms, Phanny.

A Rogue Faction[]

BERNARD PRIOR: See? I’m right about Radial. Do I need to play you the recording again?

AMELIA SPENS: No, I heard. I also heard it when you mistakenly broadcast it.

BERNARD PRIOR: I could have sworn the light was off.

AMELIA SPENS: Never mind. It was on your misguided late night show, so no one was listening. Did they send you a sample of their wares?

BERNARD PRIOR: They did!

AMELIA SPENS: Let’s see it, then.

BERNARD PRIOR: Sadly, I no longer have them.

AMELIA SPENS: Bernard! That was your evidence that they’re stockpiling.

BERNARD PRIOR: I know, but I couldn’t resist! They only sent four. Who can stop at four Jaffa Cakes?

AMELIA SPENS: Someone who’s only been sent four by a rogue faction who are stockpiling them?

BERNARD PRIOR: Quite, my dear. Quite.

Oh Happy Days[]

BERNARD PRIOR: Listeners, this is a very exciting special edition of New Canton Today, for you join us as we relay live information on a raiding party heading into Radial Territory to liberate a quantity of Jaffa Cakes estimated to be 700 packets, or even more! And reports are coming that – yes, we have boots on the ground, and I believe, a haul of – goodness gracious. Over a thousand packets! A cool grand! Oh, happy days, listeners! And, if I may call you friends, old Bernard has it all!

As Suspected[]

BERNARD PRIOR: What do you mean, we’re not distributing them?

AMELIA SPENS: Radial’s idea was quite a good one. We just need to hold them for another month or two.

BERNARD PRIOR: That’s terrible!

AMELIA SPENS: Oh, come on! I’ve got them, and I will distribute them in time. I might make a huge profit, but you know, I have overheads.

BERNARD PRIOR: But I broadcast the liberation of the Jaffa Cakes live! Everyone knows you’ve got them!

AMELIA SPENS: So much the better.

BERNARD PRIOR: You want people to know you’re stockpiling all the Jaffa Cakes in Britain?

AMELIA SPENS: Oh, yes. Now it is known I have the Jaffa Cakes, Kix is very keen to do a trade deal for an early cut. It turns out, as you suspected, that was the incentive Radial offered them.

BERNARD PRIOR: You’re incredible.

AMELIA SPENS: Thanks very much.

Smashing Orangey Bit[]

BERNARD PRIOR: Ahoy-hoy, listeners. I think I’m going to enjoy being a radio star. Now friends, how can we apply the writings of old Karly Marx to our current situation? “From each according to his ability, to each according to his need.” Of course, I’m talking about the smashing orangey bit. Pip pip. Mm.

Goodness Gracious[]

BERNARD PRIOR: Time for a listener’s letter! Let me just put on my spectacles. “Dear Bernie.” Oh. Rather familiar. “I want you to know how much I enjoy your show. Your warm voice fills my ears every afternoon, and my heart. I would love to meet you in person sometime, Bernard. Sincerely, your old friend Margot.” Oh. Goodness gracious.

Baby Seagulls[]

(Plays if Season 6 Mission 20: Peacekeeper has been completed.)

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hello, ci-ti-zens! Have we got a treat for you.

ZOE CRICK: He’s using the word “treat” very loosely.

JODY MARSH: Thanks!

ZOE CRICK: My pleasure.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: With us in the studio is Abel’s very own Jody Marsh! Former interim commander-in-chief, and now… um…

JODY MARSH: Just another Abel runner.

ZOE CRICK: Oh, there’s nothing just about being an Abel runner. And anyway, you’ve got a scheme or two of your own going on, haven’t you? A little birdy tells me about a certain transmitter you’ve been building?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [laughs] Which makes sense. Transmitters make good perches for birds.

ZOE CRICK: It wasn’t a literal bird, Phil.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: No, I know. I’m just saying, actual birds would also be well informed about Jody’s transmitter.

JODY MARSH: Now that you mention it, we did have a seagull nest in it.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: See?

JODY MARSH: Only we had to get rid of it because it was interfering with the signal.

ZOE CRICK: Oh, but nothing happened to the chicks, right? You definitely rehomed them in as untraumatic a way as possible?

JODY MARSH: Yeah, because I knew you’d never speak to me again if I didn’t. And I picked this next song especially for the baby seagulls!

ZOE CRICK: Aw!

Lucky Outer Mongolia[]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I’ve seen the plans for that transmitter of yours, Jody. It’s an impressive bit of kit.

JODY MARSH: Thanks. I mean, it’s a real botch job, but it does the trick. It’s let us set up UK-wide comms with a whole bunch of settlements that were cut off from contact before.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Such a weird thought. You know, there are people out there who’ve got no idea what’s been going on in the rest of the country. I mean, yeah, they’ve probably noticed the zoms. But the Minister and all the rest of it?

ZOE CRICK: Yeah. And as soon as we fill them in, they’ll probably decide she’s the best thing since sliced bread. Everyone else seems to think that.

JODY MARSH: It’s just the cure. You can’t blame people for wanting it.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I do a bit. Wrong’s wrong, whatever it’s got to offer you.

JODY MARSH: But they don’t know it’s wrong. That’s the thing. That’s why my transmitter’s so important. If we could just talk to people. That’s what it’s all about in the end, talking. You can fight your enemies from dawn until dusk, but until you change their minds, they’ll just rise up again in the morning.

ZOE CRICK: Hm. A bit like zombies, in fact.

JODY MARSH: It’s not just the UK, either. I’m hoping to get a booster that will let us speak to other countries. The whole world! If I can manage it.

ZOE CRICK: That would be amazing. We could find out what’s going on in… well, I don’t know. Outer Mongolia!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: We could broadcast the show to them.

JODY MARSH: Lucky Outer Mongolia. Oh! They’d get to listen to something like this!

For Janine De Luca[]

ZOE CRICK: It must be weird, though.

JODY MARSH: What?

ZOE CRICK: Being in charge and then having Janine come back and suddenly you’re [laughs] taking orders again.

JODY MARSH: Not really. I mean, I’d probably do what Janine said even if she wasn’t officially in charge. She’s just got that sort of personality.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: That’s true. She made some comments about my hair getting long the other day and Zoe had to talk me out of getting it buzz cut. Just didn’t want to disappoint her.

ZOE CRICK: I’d hate to have had your job, though, Jody. I mean, all that responsibility! [laughs] I can barely take care of myself, let alone half the country.

JODY MARSH: It’s funny. I thought I’d find it dead stressful, and it was, but I kinda liked it.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Inner control freak coming out?

JODY MARSH: No! Well, yeah. I’m not saying I’m not a big old bossy boots, but it was more than that. It made me feel good knowing I was helping people.

ZOE CRICK: You’ve always helped people, though. You’ve saved more lives than I’ve had hot dinners, and I like my food.

JODY MARSH: I’ve done my bit, but it’s easy doing what you’re told, isn’t it? Making the decisions, the hard decisions, that’s a whole different thing. When you do that so other people don’t have to, it’s like you’re… I don’t know, uh, lifting this huge burden off them, and they don’t even know it. So I’m glad I did it, but I’m glad Janine’s carrying it now, as well.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, this one’s for you, Janine De Luca. We all owe you one.

More Tunes, Vicar?[]

BERNARD PRIOR: Fairest listeners, good morrow to you! And what a zippy tune! Did you bliss out? I believe that’s the lingo. You might think ruddy old Bernard has never been to a right old rave-up. And you’d be right. But I have been to a concert or two where the bass drums were off the hook. [laughs] Just my little joke. I’m actually very fond of The Smiths in my more soft-shoed moments. More tunes, vicar?

More On Those Diktats[]

BERNARD PRIOR: Now, as those delicate notes fade away, let’s get down to business. Careful listeners, as I am confident you are aware, I, your humble host, doth occasionally attempt to bring a tot of political philosophy to the old airwaves, investigating how ancient ideas of governance and legislature apply to our savage realpolitik red in tooth and claw. However, it is with a heavy heart I must tell you that, as a mere radio presenter, I do have to abide by the diktats of my superiors. More on those diktats after this.

Thoughts On Flicks[]

BERNARD PRIOR: So, word from on high is -

AMELIA SPENS: You need to be more accessible to the great unwashed, B.

BERNARD PRIOR: Oh, Amelia. You’re here. And could you please watch your phrasing? Many of my listeners have suffered through soap rationing.

AMELIA SPENS: Now Bernard, we have always had soap in Fort Canton. The people who said there was a soap shortage were not to be believed. Who would believe anyone who was so poorly groomed? Anyway, your show going forward. I like to think of it as a sympathetic refurbishment of a well-loved classic. A stylish new jacket on a saggy old body.

BERNARD PRIOR: My show hardly needs refurbishing, or as I suspect, completely demolishing and replacing with a shopping arcade.

AMELIA SPENS: You need to be accessible! Enough of this political philosophy claptrap.

BERNARD PRIOR: One does wonder what could be more accessible, dear hearts, than the machinations of our very systems of governance.

AMELIA SPENS: One word: ratings. Ratings are the powers that be in this game, and Fort Canton Today needs to be more populist, reach a little further than the metropolitan elite. You need to lower your common denominator. Which is why from now on, this show will be mainly movie reviews.

BERNARD PRIOR: Film reviews. I think you’ll find in England, we call them films.

AMELIA SPENS: Oh, whatever. Good grief. And stop sulking! This reboot comes with perks.

BERNARD PRIOR: I’m delighted to let you know, listeners, Amelia is referring to a glittering stack of old VHS cassettes and a top-loading player supplied to old Bernard precisely for such noble pursuits. [sighs] So stay tuned, fragrant listeners, for Bernard’s government-sanctioned thoughts on flicks.

Listening To The Haters[]

AMELIA SPENS: Oh, cheer up, B! You might enjoy it.

BERNARD PRIOR: Could it not at least be the high arts? Opera, ballet, classical music. Something to delight the senses, something I can bring a bit of my special Bernard magic to. A sprinkling of wonder.

AMELIA SPENS: Oh, I think this will be magical enough for anyone.

BERNARD PRIOR: And there’s no, I don’t know, conflict of interest here?

AMELIA SPENS: Whatever do you mean?

BERNARD PRIOR: Are you, Miss Spens, using your political position to influence the media in a way that benefits your personal business interests?

AMELIA SPENS: Bernard, you need to stop listening to the haters.

A Really Nice Person[]

ZOE CRICK: So, a little birdy told me that you went on a date last night.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Is this the same birdy that kept you informed about Jody’s transmitter?

ZOE CRICK: Yeah. [laughs] It’s a birdy with a wide and varied range of interests. A renaissance birdy, if you will. So, how did it go?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, it was lovely!

ZOE CRICK: Really?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah! It was so funny. When she saw me, she flung her arms straight around me.

ZOE CRICK: Wow. Quick worker.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Turned out I looked just like her brother who’s been missing since Day Zero.

ZOE CRICK: Oh.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah! So then she had a bit of a cry, and then she took me back to her room.

ZOE CRICK: Oh. More promising.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: To look at all these family albums she’d managed to save. It was really moving.

ZOE CRICK: Right. Then did you shag?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: What? No! I look like her brother. That would be weird.

ZOE CRICK: So when you said it was lovely, you actually meant it was a complete disaster?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: No, she’s a really nice person! I hope we can be friends.

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] Philip Cheeseman, what am I going to do with you?

Never Be Silenced[]

BERNARD PRIOR: Hail, gentle listeners. Ahoy-hoy and aloha and welcome. Barricade those windows, sit back, crack open your ration packs, and get ready for muster. Point of interest, your intrepid raconteur Bernaldo has received many a missive about our upcoming change of tack. I am of course delighted to report that I’ve had a fair number of angry screeds lamenting the loss of my political insights.

For example, “Are you being silenced?” writes Heartbroken in Radial. Oh, Broken, I can assure you, Bernard will never be silenced by the Man! Or the Woman.

Have A Guess[]

STEVE SISSAY: Hello, loves. Welcome back to A Guide to Effective Problem-Solving and Conflict Resolution, an audio series with me, your explosive host, Steve Sissay. I’m going to be talking to you about one of my two favorite things, explosives. And perhaps you can have a guess at the other one while you listen to this.

Less Fun With A Nuke[]

STEVE SISSAY: So, time for a few basics. There are three ways to make an explosion. There’s a chemical reaction. That’s your old nitroglycerin, your Semtex, your C-4, all based on reactions that release a hell of a lot of energy. That’s why we like to make sure we stand well back. Never return to a bomb once the fuse is lit. [laughs]

Then you have your pressure releases, gas canisters and so on. And of course, finally, we have nukes. Eh, fair enough, when that’s the effect you want. But for my money, they lack intimacy. I don’t like to be reckless. Well, I do like to be a little reckless sometimes. But when I do blow something up, I do like to feel the heat on my face. That’s a lot less fun with a nuke.

Give It A Ponder[]

STEVE SISSAY: I know what you’re thinking. All right, sunshine, nice talk, but how do I get my paws on them? And for that, you’re going to have to consider an age-old question: shop bought or homemade? Give it a ponder.

A Lot More Stock Piled[]

STEVE SISSAY: Okay, so you’ve decided you want the ready-mades first. Sensible choice for the busy saboteur on the run. So where are you going to get them? Everyone’s first thought: Army bases! Only trouble with that? It was everyone’s first thought. If you can find an Army munitions store that isn’t cleared out or occupied, you’re a better forager than me. And trust me, you’re not a better forager than me. Besides, come a little closer. Let uncle Steven tell you a little something. There’s someone out there who had a lot more explosives stock-piled than the Army. See if you can work out who it is during this.

Bring A Metal Box[]

STEVE SISSAY: [laughs] Okay, okay. No more suspense. Where’s the best place to hunt down explosives? Well, loves, it’s mines. Old mines! The mining industry used more explosives than anyone, and a lot of mines are abandoned with fully-stocked storerooms. So grab yourself a hard hat and go mining for your own treasure. Fill your boots with lovely, lovely ammonium nitrate emulsions. Now be careful none of the cartridges are leaking, and maybe don’t actually put them in your boots. Bring a metal box with you.

By Way Of An Apology[]

ZOE CRICK: Are those bags I can see under your eyes?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Mm. [sips coffee] Maybe.

ZOE CRICK: They definitely are. And that’s your third cup of coffee. Was someone out late last night?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yes, fine. I was on a date last night.

ZOE CRICK: Ooh, and it was a late one!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, the weather’s been so nice, I thought we could go for a moonlight picnic.

ZOE CRICK: Nice! You’ve got game.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, but I think the game in question might be Ludo.

ZOE CRICK: Oh God, what happened?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, I thought it would be slightly less romantic if any zombies joined us for the picnic, so we did it inside Abel grounds.

ZOE CRICK: So far, so sensible.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I took Christine around the back of the strawberry fields. Only no one told me Janine had been using it as a training ground for new runners.

ZOE CRICK: Your date’s still alive, right?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, but we stumbled over this, uh, trap Janine had put on the path.

ZOE CRICK: Oh, bloody hell.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: It’s okay. I saw it in time and shouted at her to mind out.

ZOE CRICK: Oh, thank goodness.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Only me shouting gave her such a shock, she tripped and fell in one of Janine’s camouflaged pits. She broke her collarbone and her left leg.

ZOE CRICK: It’s like you’ve got this special talent for disaster.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Mm. Maxine says she’s going to be fine. She’s in quite a lot of pain, though. I swapped all those Ordnance Survey maps I’ve been hoarding for enough morphine to see her through. But understandably, she’s not that keen on seeing me. So, um… [sips coffee] this one’s by way of an apology.

Chalk Valley[]

BERNARD PRIOR: And I have another communiqué here that begins “Mon Cher Bernard.” Oh. Excuse me, listeners. This is perhaps my first frisky fanmail. I was warned this would happen, but it had actually been a longer wait than I understood was usual. Of course, in the interest of chivalry, I can’t share most of it, but I will say thank you to – oh, let me see who it’s from.

Oh. Goodness. Margot. Margot, I… Gosh. Listeners, I must inform you, in the interest of radio transparency, that I am blushing. Oh my. And there’s a P.S. here. “I must tell you, Bernard, that although I suggested we should meet, it will be difficult as I am currently in Chalk Valley.” Oh. Oh no.

Frivolous[]

STEVE SISSAY: You’re listening to Steve Sissay, and this is A Guide to Effective Problem-Solving and Conflict Resolution. That wasn’t my first choice of title, by the way. I wanted to call the show Going Kaboom! With Steve Sissay. But um, yeah. Some people thought that was a little frivolous.

Suitable To Broadcast[]

STEVE SISSAY: Now before I move on to talking about DIY explosions, I’ve had a letter from a listener. I’m broadcasting from a highly secret location, so there are really only a handful of people this could be from, listeners. I know who I hope it’s from. [paper rustles] Ah yes. “Dear Steven, what is your favorite kind of explosion?” Well now, [laughs] I think that’s a rather personal question, but I’ll see if I can think of an answer suitable to broadcast during this song.

Source Of Ignition[]

STEVE SISSAY: There is one kind of explosion I love maybe more than all the others. It’s not one that has a lot of practical applications, but it is glorious. Say it with me: dust explosion. Have you ever seen a great pyrotechnic effect in a movie? The way the air seems to catch fire. That’s not actually what it’d look like if you planted Semtex. But to get that beautiful effect, they often use the technique of suddenly igniting a high concentration of flammable particles in the air.

Ever heard of a grain silo explosion? Same thing. Dust in the air suddenly catching light all at once. Beautiful. And often fatal. Not something you’re often able to use to your advantage, but if there’s a high concentration of organic particles in the air and you’ve got a suitable source of ignition, it could be time for a light show.

Shop That Sells Chainsaws[]

STEVE SISSAY: Back to DIY. Of course, it used to be that if you tried to leave your local DIY store with a trolley full of fertilizer and drain cleaner, you’d get your credit card details passed to GCHQ. Nowadays, it’s easy pickings. Life’s a lot simpler when you don’t have to queue at the checkout. DIY downsize, or of course, fighting zombies in the aisles. Although I always feel if I’m going to fight zombies, a shop that sells chainsaws is the place to do it.

Bit Of A Passion Killer[]

ZOE CRICK: So?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Don’t.

ZOE CRICK: How did the date go?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I know what you’re asking. Don’t.

ZOE CRICK: Oh, you can’t tell me this one went badly. I spent weeks finding Lulu for you. She was your perfect woman. For God’s sake, she even likes The Alan Parsons Project. Do you know rare that is in a person who’s otherwise sane?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I know. That was the problem. She was too perfect. Started worrying I was going to mess it up. So I chickened out and canceled the date.

ZOE CRICK: Okay. Well, that’s pathetic, but not disastrous. You just need to arrange another one.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, but the thing is… when I was radioing her to tell her I couldn’t come, I couldn’t think of an excuse, so um… I told her I had – [whispers] genital warts.

ZOE CRICK: You what?!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I panicked. It’s the first thing I thought of.

ZOE CRICK: You needed an excuse, and that was the first thing that came to mind? No, don’t tell me why. I don’t want to know.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: So obviously I can’t ask her out now.

ZOE CRICK: But you don’t have -

[speaking simultaneously]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Don’t say it!

ZOE CRICK: - genital warts!

[speaking in turn]

ZOE CRICK: Okay, but you don’t have the thing you won’t let me say.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I know.

ZOE CRICK: So tell her. Or I’ll tell her. I mean, that’s not a conversation I ever wanted to have, but for the sake of your love life, I’ll do it.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, thanks, but there’s no point. My name is now indelibly associated in her mind with… that. It’s bound to be a bit of a passion-killer.

ZOE CRICK: [sighs] I despair. All right, listeners, this one’s for anyone out there who really is suffering from… that.

The Simple Things[]

BERNARD PRIOR: You know what I miss about the old days, listeners? Ah, so many things. The Times crossword. Not that old Bern completed more than a clue or two, and that was on a good day. But it was a comfort to know it was there. A stroll though the woods in autumn. A pot of cocoa with nutmeg on top. And call me a nostalgic old fool, but I do miss being able to visit long lost true loves without several sets of travel papers. You know, the simple things.

Full Review, After This[]

BERNARD PRIOR: Dearest friends, I have to confess, Bernard is no movie buff. I can enjoy a night at the flicks as much as anyone, of course. I have a soul. I can be moved. But I would not call myself a connoisseur of the art of the motion picture. However, I watched Jurassic Park last night, and I did find it rather jolly. And surprisingly, full of practical tips. Stay tuned. My full review after this.

For A Modest Fee[]

BERNARD PRIOR: So, fateful friends, Jurassic Park. Quite the survival guide. Are there so many differences between a Tyrannosaurus rex and a large zombie? Maybe not. Should we all take the time to learn how to reboot a Unix system? Perhaps not all of us. That would surely be overkill.

But never underestimate taking a nerd of some description on your raiding party. Who knows when you’ll need to break into a computerized system or reconfigure the power grid? Mr. Spielburg sending a worthwhile lesson to us all, I think. And as for philosophy, there was much to muse on. Life will find a way, eh, Mr. Goldblum? But whose life, ours or theirs?

Jurassic Park was quite the timely reminder that our world has been a home to great change already. The seasons turn, as do the dominant species’. Bernie’s rating: four shining stars. Heavens above. Now Amelia Spens, our glorious benefactor, tells me it’s imperative I inform you that the VHS cassette of Jurassic Park is available to rent from Fort Canton General Stores for a modest fee.

Take This One Off Air[]

STEVE SISSAY: I’ve had another letter. From the handwriting, this is from the same person, and uh – [paper rustles] Ah, yes. [laughs] You want to know about the explosions that aren’t fit for broadcast? [laughs] Excuse me, listeners. I’m going to have to take this one off-air.

Free Movement[]

AMELIA SPENS: How’s it going, Mr. B?

BERNARD PRIOR: Oh! A surprise visit, dear heart. How thoughtful. I reviewed a film. Did you hear?

AMELIA SPENS: I did. Excellent job. There is really no need to reference zombies so much. It’s not like we’re going to forget about them as we run from hordes of them, have to kill our loved ones who’ve turned into them, and scavenge for food in an unimaginable hellscape.

BERNARD PRIOR: I’ve not noticed you doing any of those things.

AMELIA SPENS: Well, of course not. I have no loved ones.

BERNARD PRIOR: Shrewd as ever.

AMELIA SPENS: Thank you. But please try and remember, people tune in to Fort Canton Today for escapism. Bread and circuses, B.

BERNARD PRIOR: That’s all very well, but how about subjects relevant to peoples’ lives?

AMELIA SPENS: Oh, like what? Another lecture on the thoughts of Desmond Hume?

BERNARD PRIOR: David Hume.

AMELIA SPENS: People have enough mortal threats to worry about without you boring them to death.

BERNARD PRIOR: How about some investigative journalism?

AMELIA SPENS: [sighs] What do you have in mind?

BERNARD PRIOR: A deep dive into the free movement of people.

AMELIA SPENS: I can’t do anything about the wall.

BERNARD PRIOR: How about Chalk Valley?

AMELIA SPENS: Chalk Valley voted to take themselves out of our free state coalition. And if they don’t want people from Radial moving there, we can’t really let people from Chalk Valley go wherever they want, can we? They’ve made their position clear, and if they like isolation so much, let’s leave them to it.

Plaintive Query[]

BERNARD PRIOR: Ahoy-hoy to thee, fragrant listeners. It is I, your genial host and humble servant, Bernard Prior, bringing you all you need to know about life in New – Fort Canton. Welcome once more to Fort Canton Today.

And hark, fellow Cantonians. I’ve had another missive from a treasured listener. In this particular case, the rather improbably named Quiffy Boy. Well met, young Quiffy, who writes, “Dear Bernard, are you really a fan of The Smiths, or were you joking? If it was a joke, please do not joke about such things. Morrissey and Marr were a genius combination, the like of which we will never see again. On the other hand, if you are a fan, please tell us your favorite track. Regards, Quiffy Boy.”

Well now, young Quiffy, perhaps this tune will answer your plaintive query.

A Soulful Tear[]

BERNARD PRIOR: I am, of course, just joking. I adore Manchester’s finest export, [?]. My favorite track… well, what difference does it make? [laughs] And you know Quiffy, as a boy, I had a pet rat called Morrissey. And handsome black and brown fellow he was, and so smart, he could have been a city stockbroker. Quite the furry adventurer, always mounting bold escapes from his cage and going to terrify Father or other such derring-do. Quite the devilish rogue, he was.

So named because on several of his bids for freedom, he was caught snacking on Mother’s gladioli. I gave him a Viking burial on the local pond when he finally passed. Such a sight. That flaming shoebox sinking beneath the pondweed brought a soulful tear to the eye of your genial host’s teenage self. [sniffs]

Goodnight Sweet Morrissey[]

BERNARD PRIOR: And you know something, patient listeners? I threw a nubbin of best-aged Stilton into that pond every year until I left home for the big bad world. Good night, sweet Morrissey the rat, wherever you are now. This one’s for you.

Radio Name Pending[]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hello, citizens. Thank you for tuning in to us today when we’ve got the beautiful and talented Jody Marsh back in the studio with us. She can knit a jumper like you wouldn’t believe and has clocked some of the fastest times for the Macks Pharmacy run of any Abel runner.

JODY MARSH: Uh, thanks!

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] Don’t worry. He’s been practicing compliments. [whispers] For his dates.

JODY MARSH: [whispers] Oh, I see.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [clears throat] Jody’s here to talk about the political situation in our country today.

JODY MARSH: Am I?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh… yep. We’re a nation divided along complicated social and political lines, and you’re here to give Abel’s perspective on the current situation?

JODY MARSH: Oh. Um, well, Zoe said she’d just run out of good jokes, and would I mind coming on the show and spouting any old nonsense for a few minutes until she thinks up some more?

ZOE CRICK: To be fair, that is actually a direct quote.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Right. Well, I don’t think that’s really a great use of Radio Name Pending’s airtime, so we’ll be back with some serious discussion right after this.

Got Another Tune?[]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: That song was chosen by Jody Marsh, former commander-in-chief of Abel Township, who’s with us in the studio right now.

ZOE CRICK: Jody’s here to talk about the current socioeconomic situation, apparently.

JODY MARSH: Uh, actually, I was thinking. I can bang on about Abel’s side of things and Abel’s version of the story until the cows come home, but the only people who’ll believe me are the ones who already do.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: That’s not true.

JODY MARSH: No, I think it is. So maybe I could just answer peoples’ questions on Rofflenet? You can do that, right? Get people to send in questions?

ZOE CRICK: Oh, definitely. Although… if they’re anything like the name suggestions we’ve had -

JODY MARSH: Well, I’ll take the chance.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Okay. Yeah. Yeah, I like that. All right, citizens. If you’ve got a question for Jody Marsh -

JODY MARSH: Any question at all, really.

ZOE CRICK: Any question broadcastable on a family show.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh, send it to us on Rofflenet, and Jody’ll answer you. In the meantime, have you got another tune for us, Jody?

JODY MARSH: Yeah. This is one that – actually, this one always makes me think of Runner Five, Abel’s head of runners. Hope you enjoy it.

That's Exactly Right[]

ZOE CRICK: Welcome back, listeners. And some of you have been very quick off the mark because we’ve got our first question for Jody Marsh, Abel Township’s former commander-in-chief.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: And the first question is… oh. Uh, I’m not sure I should read that.

JODY MARSH: I said I’d answer anything.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh it’s, well… Okay. “Where do you get off fighting the Minister when all she wants to do is unite the country and get us back on our feet? You should be ashamed of yourself.”

ZOE CRICK: I’m not sure there’s actually much of a question in there.

JODY MARSH: No, there is. And it’s a good one. Because what we’re doing is creating more chaos than if we weren’t doing it. If we just surrendered, the country would be more peaceful, but the thing is, it wouldn’t be more free and it wouldn’t be more fair. The price the Minister wants for peace is much too high. She won’t settle for anything less than total obedience. And once she’s got it, once she can do whatever she wants, you’ll find out what she’s really like.

Whoever you are that asked that question, you’ve only seen her nice face because right now, you’re not a threat to her. But step out of line and you’ll see the Sigrid we here at Abel have known all along: the monster who can kill and torture without conscience. That’s why we don’t surrender, why we’ll never surrender. We want to save anyone else from having to face that monster.

ZOE CRICK: Yeah. Yeah. That’s exactly right. Jody’ll be back to answer more questions right after this.

Don't Go Anywhere[]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Ah, thank God. This is a much nicer question. “Jody, if you could go back to the world before the zombies for just one day, what would you do?

JODY MARSH: I’d spend it with my family.

ZOE CRICK: Oh, that’s a rubbish answer.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Zoe!

ZOE CRICK: No, but I mean, we’d all spend it with our families. Of course we would. I mean, apart from people who had really awful families, and they’d probably spend it with their friends. But what would you actually do? One day, the old world, no zoms. The world’s your oyster.

JODY MARSH: Okay. I need to have a think about that.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Don’t go anywhere, citizens!

Sounds So Glamorous[]

(Plays if Season 6 Mission 24: Mother's Little Helper has been completed.)

JODY MARSH: All right, I think I’ve got it. Glastonbury. That’s what I’d do.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Glastonbury Festival! Oh, that’s good.

ZOE CRICK: Hm, I suppose. If you like music.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: We run a radio show.

ZOE CRICK: Yeah, but what about the whole washing under a tap, pooing in a box and sleeping in mud thing? Don’t you think we get enough of that sort of thing post-apocalypse?

JODY MARSH: Yeah, but I mean, it’s totally different when you know it’s a choice, isn’t it? It’s like the difference between going on a detox and not having enough to eat. Not that I’d go on a detox obviously, because it’s ridiculous.

ZOE CRICK: Mm, I guess. Personally, I’d spend my day sipping champagne cocktails in the Maldives.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Sipping cocktails in the Maldives with Amelia, you mean.

ZOE CRICK: Phil.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I’m sorry. I know, I promised not to talk about it. But you know that’s not a promise I was ever going to keep.

JODY MARSH: Yeah, come on, Zo. You are basically dating my mortal enemy. You can’t expect us not to mention it.

ZOE CRICK: I’m not dating her.

JODY MARSH: So it’s just sex? I’m not sure if that’s better or worse.

ZOE CRICK: It’s… I don’t know what it is.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: A [?] inexplicable mistake?

ZOE CRICK: Like Jody’s decision to spend her one pre-apocalypse day at Glastonbury.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. You’re changing the subject.

ZOE CRICK: Yes. Yes, I am. To the fact I’d like to spend my day sipping cocktails on a beach and Jody would very weirdly like to spend it at Glastonbury.

JODY MARSH: In a way, we’re talking about the same thing, though.

ZOE CRICK: You’ve got a very strange idea of what Glastonbury was like. I went every year. It was less sipping champagne cocktails on a sun-kissed beach and more necking cider in a rubbish-strewn field.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You make it sound so glamorous! All right, citizens. More of your questions for Jody Marsh right after this.

That Would Be Nice[]

JODY MARSH: No, but see, I never went to Glastonbury.

ZOE CRICK: Clearly.

JODY MARSH: I always meant to, but I just never got around to it. And now I never will.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, you might. Things are getting better, aren’t they? I mean, apart from the whole Sigrid running half the country thing. There might be a Glastonbury Festival again one day.

JODY MARSH: But it wouldn’t be the same.

ZOE CRICK: True. Three quarters of the acts would be zombies. Although to be fair, zombie Coldplay might be an improvement.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: And zombie Morrissey would probably be a lot more cheerful.

JODY MARSH: But it’s not about the bands! It’s about the people. Glastonbury used to be so carefree.

ZOE CRICK: Yeah, as long as you didn’t care about where you’d be weeing.

JODY MARSH: What I’m saying is, if they held Glastonbury now, it would be full of people who’d lived through the apocalypse. I’d like to spend just one day in a crowd full of people who didn’t know the end of the world was coming. I’d like to remember what that felt like.

The Subject Of Cats[]

ZOE CRICK: So, quick-fire questions: favorite color?

JODY MARSH: Bangladesh green.

ZOE CRICK: Weirdly specific, but okay.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Dogs or cats?

JODY MARSH: Dogs.

ZOE CRICK: Oh dear. Well, there goes our friendship.

JODY MARSH: Don’t get me wrong. I like cats, but dogs are just better.

ZOE CRICK: Oh, you’re just digging that hole deeper.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Dogs are better. They’re actually, you know, loyal.

ZOE CRICK: Et tu, Cheeseman?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: This is a good one. If you wrote your autobiography, what would the title be?

JODY MARSH: Oh, that’s hard. Can I have a think about that one?

ZOE CRICK: Yes. And while you’re at it, why don’t you have a long hard think about your wrongness on the subject of cats?

Be Right Back[]

ZOE CRICK: Okay, here’s another tough one for you, Jody.

JODY MARSH: Go for it.

ZOE CRICK: A listener from Walthamstow Commune wants to know, “How can you expect us to side with you when Sigrid can give us the cure and you can’t?”

JODY MARSH: That’s easy. We don’t expect you to. It’s not an easy decision to make, and if you’ve got a loved one who’s been bitten, of course you’ll go to whoever can help them. That’s only human nature, and we won’t judge you for that.

ZOE CRICK: Um… is that it? Don’t we sort of want people not to go over to Sigrid just because she’s got the cure?

JODY MARSH: Of course. And we’re working as hard as we can on a cure of our own. But I’m not going tell people what they should do. I’m not going to judge them for making hard choices. That’s the way Sigrid behaves. Just remember, like I said, Sigrid doesn’t give anything for free, and the price of getting the cure from her may be much, much higher than you realize.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Also, if you go over to Sigrid, she’ll probably make you stop listening to our show. So um, there’s-there’s that to consider.

ZOE CRICK: Yeah. Not sure that’s quite the threat you think it is. Don’t go anywhere. We’ll be right back.

Extra Motivation[]

JODY MARSH: Actually, you do get points for trying.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: For trying what?

JODY MARSH: No, that would be the title of my autobiography.

ZOE CRICK: Hm, I like that. Not sure it’s true, but I like it.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Who’s giving out the points, though?

JODY MARSH: Well… me, I suppose. Or whatever that little voice is inside me that’s always got an opinion on what I’ve been up to.

ZOE CRICK: I hate that voice. It’s so judgey.

JODY MARSH: Yeah. Well, it used to be, but it’s been getting better. I mean, I used to think if I didn’t get what I was after, that was it. I was a failure. But these days, we’ve failed on a pretty global scale. We could just sit back and go well, right? That’s us finished.

Or we could keep trying. And we might not get anywhere, but while I’m breathing, I’m going to keep trying. That’s what Abel’s all about, really. Looking at the way things are and going, okay, that’s a bit rubbish, but maybe I can make it better, even if it’s only a tiny bit.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: That’s really lovely.

ZOE CRICK: And that’s all we’ve got time for from Jody Marsh, former Commander in Chief of Abel Township. Thanks for your time, Jody.

JODY MARSH: My pleasure. And here’s one last song from me. I always used to listen to it when I needed that extra bit of motivation.

Don't Touch That Dial[]

BERNARD PRIOR: So, exciting news, worthy listeners. Coming up, old Bernard will be reviewing another jolly old motion picture. And I have invited none other than our glorious leader, Amelia Spens, to join me and give us her verdict. No doubt she will have her own opinions to impart, and they will be fascinating! Stay tuned, friends. Don’t touch that dial!

Play Another Song[]

BERNARD PRIOR: Greetings, everyone! The time is now! Welcome one and all to edition two of Bernard’s Movie Thingummy Whatsit!

AMELIA SPENS: What? Is that the catchy name you’ve come up with for this? “Bernard’s Movie Thingummy Whatsit”?

BERNARD PRIOR: Yes. Don’t like it?

AMELIA SPENS: [sighs] Give me strength. Play another song. We’re going to do that again.

Casablance[]

AMELIA SPENS: Hello, and welcome to The Guide, your one-stop shop for all the best entertainment in Fort Canton. Today, Bernard and I will be reviewing another of the movies that you can rent for a modest fee from our sponsor, Fort Canton General Stores, where you can also pick up a range of groceries, homewares, and personal products, including soap. Bernard?

BERNARD PRIOR: What?

AMELIA SPENS: Uh, introduce the movie.

BERNARD PRIOR: Oh. I see. Sorry. I think I was in a mild state of shock for a second. [clears throat] Fair listeners, stay tuned please for our review of that great classic, Casablanca!

Oh Shush[]

BERNARD PRIOR: Ah yes, Casablanca. What a story! Sweeping romance, tear-jerking sacrifice for the greater good. I confess, listeners, I did shed a single tear when the perfect soulmates, Rick and Ilsa, bravely put the war effort before their own happiness. They’ll always have Paris! Oh, goodness me. I’m still a little choked up.

AMELIA SPENS: Yeah, I didn’t get that bit.

BERNARD PRIOR: What do you mean?

AMELIA SPENS: I don’t get why, if Ilsa liked Rick so much, why didn’t she stay with him? Or failing that, go back to the bar. A much better option. The bar looked quite fun.

BERNARD PRIOR: Because she’d regret it! Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow -

AMELIA SPENS: Yes, so Rick told her. Probably he just wants her to go so that he can go back to the bar and hang out with his real friends.

BERNARD PRIOR: Oh, you wouldn’t understand romance, Millie. There was a war on!

AMELIA SPENS: Okay, no need to get precious. I expect you saw this when it first came out.

BERNARD PRIOR: The cheek, Millie

AMELIA SPENS: Tell me more about the war, grandad.

BERNARD PRIOR: You are trying my patience, now.

AMELIA SPENS: You love it.

BERNARD PRIOR: Oh, shush.

Borrow The VHS[]

BERNARD PRIOR: So, we almost forgot, there. Casablanca: five stars! Run, don’t walk, to Fort Canton General Stores to put your name down on the list to borrow the VHS tape.

Get Creative[]

ZOE CRICK: Sorry, listeners. Just me, tonight. Phil’s off on a date. Yes, you heard that right. An actual date with an actual living human. [laughs] Well, that’s what he told me, anyway. It’s possible he was lying. Hopefully he’s not going to mess it up.

I gave him a bottle of very nice wine I’ve been saving for a rainy day, and Jamie, I mean King Jamie, offered to cook them fish curry. It’s not every date that gets catered by the King of England. Though don’t tell Jamie I said this, but he really needs to go a bit easier on the coconut cream.

Anyway, conditions are favorable. Obviously, Phil will find a way to mess it up because this is Phil we’re talking about. But he’s going to have to get creative about it. Phil and Raisa, if you’re listening, this one’s for you.

Life Will Find A Way[]

BERNARD PRIOR: Okay. Okay. [beatboxes and raps] And Bernie was a radio host. He was bestest, he was the most. He had the listeners begging for more. He wasn’t actually born until after the Second World War. Oh yeah! [regular speaking voice] See? I’m a man of many surprises. That was for you, Margot. Life will find a way!

Post-Apocalyptic Recipes[]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hello, ci-ti-zens! We’ve got a packed program lined up for you today. It’s the first episode of our new cookery show, Recipes on the Run. There’s the latest news reports coming from around the country. And yes, the moment has finally come – we’ll be announcing the winner of the vote on our new name. Can’t wait!

ZOE CRICK: Is that it?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yes. No! We’ll also be telling you all about Late Night Review with Phil and Zoe.

ZOE CRICK: [sighs] That’s not what I’m talking about. I don’t care about any of that.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: “Any of that” is literally our job.

ZOE CRICK: I’m talking about last night.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: What about last night?

ZOE CRICK: Oh my God, you’re doing it deliberately, aren’t you?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Zoe, I’ve got no idea what you’re talking about. Don’t go away, citizens! We’ll be sharing our best post-apocalyptic recipes right after this.

ZOE CRICK: But I - [sighs]

A Little Cajoling[]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Quite an appropriate song there, because our very first recipe on the run is baked beans à la mode -

ZOE CRICK: No. No, absolutely not.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, that definitely is our first recipe. Look, Sam wrote it out by hand. I wish he did his J’s clearer. I can’t tell if that’s supposed to be jam or ham.

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] If Sam’s been eating ham roly-poly for dessert, we need to have words. But it doesn’t matter, because food’s definitely not what we’re talking about right now.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: It literally is.

ZOE CRICK: Well, we’re stopping and talking about your date instead.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: No, we’re not, unless you want to talk about your date with Amelia. Your date with Amelia Spens, the most awful woman in Britain.

ZOE CRICK: Oh, me and Amelia’s old news. [laughs] Our listeners are much more interested in you.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: No, they’re not.

ZOE CRICK: They definitely are. Anyway, did you or did you not promise to fill me in on all the gory details?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I definitely didn’t.

ZOE CRICK: Okay, but when you said, “Don’t be ridiculous, it’s none of your bloody business,” I took that to mean, “I will spill the beans, I’ll just need a little cajoling.”

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Why am I friends with you, again?

[ZOE CRICK laughs]

Not As Bad As Sigrid[]

ZOE CRICK: But I promised our listeners you’d tell them all about your date.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I know, I heard.

ZOE CRICK: You’re listening to the radio during your romantic dinner?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I’m not answering that.

ZOE CRICK: Okay. Fine. But are you going to be seeing her again?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: No.

ZOE CRICK: Right. It was a disaster. What did you do? Spend all evening telling her about why you think the Brady Bunch and the X-Files are in the same fictional universe?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: No, although they clearly are. It was fine! There’s just no…

ZOE CRICK: Spark?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Actual date.

ZOE CRICK: What? She stood you up?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: No, no. I mean, yes. But no. Her ex decided she wanted to get back together with her. Which I totally understand. So I said of course she could cancel the date, and I gave her that nice bottle of wine to celebrate.

ZOE CRICK: All right. You obviously can’t be trusted to organize your own dates. Next one I’m running for you, in person if necessary.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You’re literally the last one who should be giving anyone else dating advice. Your idea of an appropriate person to date is Amelia bloody Spens, who is, in case I haven’t mentioned it before, the worst human being in the world.

ZOE CRICK: Be fair. Amelia’s not as bad as Sigrid.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Not as bad as Sigrid isn’t the benchmark anyone should be using for dating!

[ZOE CRICK sighs]

Work Here Is Done[]

ZOE CRICK: It’s just… not all of us can have the big romance like you, Phil.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I haven’t got a big romance. In case you haven’t noticed, I’m totally failing to have a big romance.

ZOE CRICK: Yeah, but you will. You’re just that kind of person. I’m not.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, don’t be silly.

ZOE CRICK: No, I’m really not. I’m too cynical. I’m always second-guessing myself. Do I really like them? Am I just flattered that they like me? What horrible secret are they hiding that I’ll only find out about when I’m in too deep? That’s what’s great about Amelia. I’m not always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’m already intimately familiar with the other shoe in all its horrible detail, so it can’t come as a nasty surprise.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: But that’s a terrible reason to date someone!

ZOE CRICK: Also, the sex is amazing. Amelia’s surprisingly giving in bed for a person who’s so entirely selfish.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Stop telling me things like that.

ZOE CRICK: You asked.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I take it back. I don’t want to know.

ZOE CRICK: That’s what I thought. [laughs] So no more questions about Amelia?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Never asking anything about her ever again.

ZOE CRICK: My work here is done.

Not Impossible[]

BERNARD PRIOR: So, those travel papers they had in Casablanca…

AMELIA SPENS: I’ve told you, B, it was a movie.

BERNARD PRIOR: Yes, I do know that. But travel papers do exist.

AMELIA SPENS: Is this Chalk Valley again?

BERNARD PRIOR: And if it was?

AMELIA SPENS: It would be very difficult.

BERNARD PRIOR: But not impossible?

AMELIA SPENS: … not impossible, no.

Announcing The Winner[]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hello, ci-ti-zens. Finally, it’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for.

ZOE CRICK: The end of the zombie plague and the restoration of civilization as we know it?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: The new name for our radio show!

ZOE CRICK: Hm, that would have been my second guess.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: The votes are in, they’ve all been counted, and there’s a very clear winner. So without further ado, here’s a rundown of the top five. Zoe?

ZOE CRICK: A new entry at number five -

PHIL CHEESEMAN: They’re all new entries.

ZOE CRICK: Cute and concise, it’s Radio Dork. I’m going to assume you’re talking about Phil there and not me.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: At number four, an old favorite, we’ve got Radio Cabel!

ZOE CRICK: Number three, it’s Radio Treachery. And Phil and I would both like to thank you for keeping it clean on the insult front. It’s appreciated.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: At number two, turns out Zoe was almost right. It’s Radio Station McRadiostationface!

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] And for the new name of the Station Formerly Known As Free Abel, stay tuned. We’ll be announcing the winner right after this.

Radio New Hope[]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: So… should we tell them?

ZOE CRICK: No. I think we should keep them in suspense a bit longer.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, but that’s really irritating.

ZOE CRICK: And yet people like it. People are odd that way.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: They’ve been waiting a long time for this.

ZOE CRICK: They can wait a bit longer.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: It’s Radio New Hope!

ZOE CRICK: What happened to keeping them in suspense?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Sorry! I was just excited! It’s a really good name.

ZOE CRICK: Yeah, it actually is. [laughs] Both uplifting and geeky, which seems appropriate.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Although I think it might actually have just been Sam voting a million times.

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] It’s true. The person who first suggested that name on Rofflenet was CurlyWurlyLover.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Doesn’t matter. It’s a great name. So hello, citizens. And welcome to Radio New Hope.

Raucous Wordplay[]

BERNARD PRIOR: And ahoy-hoy, sweet listeners! It’s Bernie Prior! Don’t touch that dial, don’t click that mouse. Do not, whatever you jolly well do, do not swipe left, because this is Fort Canton Today, the show with all you need and more! So that includes things you don’t need. Sorry about that. Plus me, your most humble servant and host, Bernard Prior. Oh yes. Jolly what. Are you ready for a Bernie bonanza? A Bernie beanfeast? A Bernie-ucopia? Perhaps that was a bit too far, listeners. Please accept my humblest apologies for any distress caused by my raucous wordplay. Sometimes I simply don’t know my own strength.

Bitter Sweet Love Stories[]

BERNARD PRIOR: Now listeners, what a jolly tune. And as that fades out, I have a rather personal letter about a rather personal topic. How rum. I suppose you want to get up close and personal with me and feel the Bern! What what? [laughs] Oh heavens, what has gotten into old B? But listeners, enough revelry. The letter.

“Dear Bernard, could you tell us more about your first love, Margot? How did you meet? Why did you break up?” What a question. You’re asking about one of the most tragic and bittersweet love stories of our time. Let me try and recall.

Rather Lucky[]

BERNARD PRIOR: Exciting news for those of you who tune into this show for our thrilling entertainment guide! Keeper of the keys, Miss Spens, has informed me that there will be more film reviews coming up, whether I like it or not, to quote her verbatim. So if that’s your thing – and who am I to judge? - you are rather lucky! Your wish is my command.

New Motto[]

BERNARD PRIOR: Ah yes, where was I? The old gray matter does wander from time to time.

I met sweet, fair Margot at university. The same university where young Bernard was to learn much of the gripping political science that has been judged too hot for broadcast by our glorious censor. Margot was, in the vernacular, my best friend’s girl. So I was, naturally, far too chivalrous to make a move. I loved her from afar, like a courtly knight of old, chaste and pure in my affections. Perhaps she guessed, perhaps she did not. It was not for me to make my feelings clear.

After university, my friend and I drifted apart, and though I was invited to their wedding, my heart was shattered to smithereens at the thought and I stayed away. Truly, I never thought we’d cross paths again. But I also didn’t expect a bally load of zombies to start munching on all and sundry either, so… expect the unexpected should perhaps be Bernard’s new motto. And now a tune.

Do Keep Hydrated[]

BERNARD PRIOR: Ah, talking of expecting the unexpected, how are you, my dear Miss Spens?

AMELIA SPENS: Oh, fine, fine. Well, not fine. Not at all fine! I don’t like to complain, but you would not believe what people will complain about.

BERNARD PRIOR: I probably wouldn’t.

AMELIA SPENS: Jigsaw shortage. I ask you, peoples’ ability to waste my time trying to waste their own time. It’s a picture of a sunset, for example. You can spend all afternoon assembling it, or you can spend that same time doing nothing whatsoever, and then see pretty much the same thing, and have achieved the same amount, i.e., nothing!

BERNARD PRIOR: People like a sense of accomplishment.

AMELIA SPENS: I have raiding parties they can join for that. I ask you, if they riot over this… wait, is this thing on? If you riot over this -

[glass shatters, crowd shouts]

BERNARD PRIOR: Perhaps a tune! A calming tune. How about this, honorable listeners? Sit back, relax. Pop the kettle on, or whatever you’re using for a kettle, and try not to think about the rioters outside. And if you are rioting yourself, do keep hydrated!

Prudent Cover[]

BERNARD PRIOR: They’re getting close. I believe I hear the distant sound of folk crying on the wind, “We want jigsaws!” Could they have discovered your whereabouts? You have been broadcasting it, quite literally.

AMELIA SPENS: I don’t care. They are idiots.

BERNARD PRIOR: Perhaps, but they are rather voracious idiots. The demands are quite simple. I read a placard. Could we not consider manufacturing some jigsaws? I mean, we have the capabilities these days, surely.

AMELIA SPENS: No! How could you even suggest such a thing? I need my carpenters for actually making actual things, not cutting actual things into small pieces so other people can reassemble them for a misguided sense of achievement! No, Bernie, I will never give in to this.

BERNARD PRIOR: Sorry, listeners. While your host takes prudent cover under the shelter of this table, do listen to… this.

Legally Blonde[]

BERNARD PRIOR: So hang on a moment, Millie. You’re not just hiding out in here? You actually want to talk about the film we watched?

AMELIA SPENS: Yes. The fact this studio has no windows and is reasonably secure is just a coincidence. To work, Bernie.

BERNARD PRIOR: I see. I suppose we can just gloss over the way your presence here endangers me. [clears throat] Delicate listeners, honest travelers. Coming up, Amelia Spens and I will be, I dearly hope, calm and contained enough to furnish you with our personal musings on the delightful motion picture Legally Blonde right after this.

Wonders Never Cease[]

BERNARD PRIOR: And we’re just going ahead, despite all that? Okay, fine. Fine. Never mind professional standards, never mind them. What ho.

Ahoy-hoy. Oh, dear listeners, the visual treat that was Legally Blonde. What a story! A noble hero against the odds. A fight for love or glory. There’s even a dog. I do love a plucky hound. Listeners, I am beaming as I think of it. Amelia, I don’t suppose you agree.

AMELIA SPENS: I do, actually.

BERNARD PRIOR: You do? You like Legally Blonde? A story where a good-hearted ingénue wins through?

AMELIA SPENS: Yes. She’s a hero of mine, actually. A heroine. I have on occasion modeled myself on her.

BERNARD PRIOR: Elle Woods? Really? But she’s so… nice.

AMELIA SPENS: I’ve got nothing against being nice, Bernie. Sometimes being nice is an excellent plan when it suits one’s needs. You catch more flies with honey, B. Oh! [laughs] Honey bee. Anyway, being nice, when combined of course with being smart, is very effective, as in the compelling case presented in Legally Blonde.

BERNARD PRIOR: Jolly good. Well, I suppose wonders truly do never cease.

AMELIA SPENS: You could say that. So off you pop, listeners, and reserve your copy at Fort Canton General Stores! As soon as it is safe to leave your dwellings.

Don't Need This Waffle[]

AMELIA SPENS: I’ve had a message to say it’s safe for me to leave the studio. Jigsaw riots are over.

BERNARD PRIOR: Really? But you didn’t do anything. Surely a riot like that didn’t just burn out.

AMELIA SPENS: Didn’t have to do anything. It seems the riot destroyed most of Fort Canton General Stores’ ceramics overflow storage next door to the studio. The jigsaw enthusiasts are now happily piecing everything back together!

BERNARD PRIOR: Really? Miss Spens, you sheltered here and encouraged a riot to pursue you so that in their destructive rage, they’d create their own puzzles?

AMELIA SPENS: Well, we did have a surplus of novelty mugs no one was using. Win-win-win. Now, isn’t it time you played a record? Entertain your listeners, Bern! They don’t need this waffle.

Mainstream Opinion[]

ZOE CRICK: I always think of that one as the zombie anthem.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, I know what you mean.

ZOE CRICK: You ever wonder what it would be like as a zom?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Not really.

ZOE CRICK: I do. It’s just… don’t you sometimes think how much easier it would be if you were a zombie?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Of course not.

ZOE CRICK: Really? I think about that a lot.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: But… the whole point of being alive right now is trying not to be a zombie. It’s every single person in the world’s current life goal.

ZOE CRICK: Well, yes. We all try not to be zombies, but that’s just peer pressure, isn’t it?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: No.

ZOE CRICK: You’re weird.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I’m weird? [sighs] I tell you what, let’s ask a few people around Abel what they think, see who’s out of step with mainstream opinion. Back in a moment, citizens.

Something Less Disturbing[]

ZOE CRICK: Okay, so maybe most people don’t want to be zombies.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Literally no one except you wants to be a zombie.

ZOE CRICK: It’s not that I want to, it’s just I think it would be very peaceful.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: What, being brain-dead?

ZOE CRICK: Yes. Not having to worry about anything, not having to answer to anyone. All you need to do is shamble around groaning. It’s a very undemanding job.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: There is the whole killing people thing.

ZOE CRICK: Yes, but on the plus side, you never need to worry about where your next meal’s coming from.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I can’t believe you just said that.

ZOE CRICK: It’s true, isn’t it?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I suppose. Except zombies don’t worry about food. They don’t worry about anything… I don’t think.

ZOE CRICK: Thinking’s overrated. It always gets me into trouble.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I thought it was not thinking that did that. Like that time you picked up a stray cat without thinking because it looked sad, and then it gave you ringworm. And then you gave me ringworm.

ZOE CRICK: And then you didn’t speak to me for a week. See? Ringworm’s another thing zombies don’t have to worry about.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Right. This conversation’s over.

ZOE CRICK: Why?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Because you’re freaking me out. We’ll be talking about something less disturbing than Zoe’s brain right after this.

No One Can Leave[]

BERNARD PRIOR: Ah, listeners, I have to apologize. Your usual fun-loving host is rather lackluster today. But I do have a letter to share with you, the contents of which are in part responsible for my delicate state. [clears throat]

“Dearest Bernard, I do wish you had told me back then that you loved me. I never loved John. I just felt like marriage to someone like him was what was expected of me. I hoped you’d come to the wedding. I even – and I know this is ridiculous, but in some crazy dream – imagined that maybe you would rush in and stop proceedings. But it didn’t happen, and now, sadly, I am stuck behind the Chalk Valley barricades. I’ve tried to reason with the governing council, but apparently, no one can leave without papers. Yours always, Margot.

Instant Baby Formula[]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hello, citizens. If you’ve just tuned in, we’re getting ready for our first -

ZOE CRICK: Slightly delayed.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: - our first slightly delayed edition of Recipes on the Run, the cooking show for the post-apocalyptic world.

ZOE CRICK: We’ve been collecting recipes from our listeners and from our favorite Abel residents. Well, the ones who don’t give everyone food poisoning when it’s their turn to make the goulash. I’m looking at you, Maxine Myers.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: We won’t be telling you to julienne the asparagus or add in a drop or two of truffle oil because we know you’ve got as much chance of finding a bottle of truffle oil these days as you’ve got of bumping into Britney Spears, and she went zom so long ago they think she might have been patient zero for the entire continental United States.

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] No, we’ll be looking at the everyday, mundane ingredients every cook needs.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, not actually those, because you can’t find them on the shelves anymore. All the normal stuff’s been taken. Packets of nuts, Campbell’s cream of mushroom soup. Those are as rare as hen’s teeth these days.

ZOE CRICK: I heard the last tin of baked beans in the entire country got eaten last Wednesday somewhere in Warwickshire. Whoever you were, I hope you enjoyed them.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: So today we’ve got a recipe for you using an ingredient you can still find on the shelves, a lot.

ZOE CRICK: Yes. We’ll be giving your our recipe for tinned swede with bacon-flavored instant baby formula sauce. Stay tuned!

Not Too Much Trouble[]

ZOE CRICK: Okay, the first step is to take the package of bacon-flavored instant baby formula, and then wonder why the hell anyone would want bacon-flavored instant baby formula. Seriously! The apocalypse didn’t happen a day too soon if you ask me.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Next, you need to get the swedes open. It’s a little-known fact that tinned swedes are the national dish of -

[door opens]

AMELIA SPENS: Morning, everyone.

ZOE CRICK: Amelia? We’re right in the middle of a broadcast.

AMELIA SPENS: Yes, yes, I do follow the schedule of Fort Canton broadcasts, thank you. And I could hardly fail to notice that you kicked me out of bed so early this morning.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Um…

AMELIA SPENS: You can lose that tone, Philip, unless you also want to lose your weekly ration of… whatever it is that you like. I’ll find something.

ZOE CRICK: Amelia, what are you doing here?

AMELIA SPENS: Don’t mind me. Just carry on with whatever you were doing.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Okay. Yeah. So tinned swedes and…

ZOE CRICK: Baby formula?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah. I, um… [sighs] It’s no good. I can’t do it while she’s staring at me like that.

AMELIA SPENS: If it helps, I’m staring at you, but I’m thinking about other things.

ZOE CRICK: What might help is if you explain exactly what you’re doing in our radio shack. If it’s not too much trouble.

AMELIA SPENS: Isn’t it about time you played a song? No, no, don’t worry. I’ll just put one on for you. Here we go.

A Moment Of Suspense[]

ZOE CRICK: Right. Listeners, apparently Amelia’s here because she has an announcement to make. Apparently, Amelia doesn’t believe in warning people first.

AMELIA SPENS: You generally seem to like it when I surprise you, darling.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Please stop.

ZOE CRICK: Yes, please do. You’re upsetting Phil, and I like him more than I like you.

AMELIA SPENS: [laughs] Yes, imagine if you started to like me. Doesn’t bear thinking about. Anyway, top tip for listeners: over the years, I’ve found it’s much better not to announce your arrival, if possible. It’s less likely people will try to stop you doing what you want.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: We still could.

AMELIA SPENS: People find it a lot harder to say no to someone’s face. It’s a terribly British thing. They find it embarrassing.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [sighs] Fine. You can make your announcement.

AMELIA SPENS: There you are, you see? You know you shouldn’t let me have my way, but you are because it would be too embarrassing to confront me with quite how brazen I’ve been. It’s very interesting, anthropologically speaking. Perhaps we could have someone start a show on this sort of thing. I tell you what, let’s add a moment of suspense. Play a song.

Most Untrustworthy Woman[]

ZOE CRICK: Right. And now you’re going to tell us why you’re here, or I’m going to take you by the scruff of the neck and physically throw you out.

AMELIA SPENS: I thought you didn’t want us to do this in front of Phil. Have it your way. The truth is, I’m on a bit of a recruitment drive.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: What for? Your crack team of… of… of really irritating… people?

AMELIA SPENS: No. For Fort Canton. I’m trying to sort out some of the problems I’ve inherited. Under the previous mismanagement – honestly, it really was quite egregious - the population rather fell away, so I’m looking to expand.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Right. [sighs] And I suppose coming on our show does actually make sense.

AMELIA SPENS: I’m certainly not doing it for my health.

ZOE CRICK: And who exactly are you hoping to recruit?

AMELIA SPENS: Oh, you know. A few good people from around the country. I say good. That may not be the right word. Ambitious? Hard-working?

ZOE CRICK: Conniving? Back-stabbing?

AMELIA SPENS: I don’t like to pre-judge. I’ve always been a woman who takes people as they come. Luckily for you.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: And maybe after this next song, you can tell us why anyone would want to work with the most untrustworthy woman in the country.

Gone To, Um...[]

ZOE CRICK: Funnily enough, that song always makes me think of you, Amelia.

AMELIA SPENS: I’m not entirely sure you mean that as a compliment.

ZOE CRICK: Good.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Do you two actually even like each other at all?

[speaking simultaneously]

ZOE CRICK: No.

AMELIA SPENS: Don’t be ridiculous.

[speaking in turn]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Right. Uh, so what are the selling points of the New Canton -

AMELIA SPENS: Fort Canton.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: It’ll always be New Canton to me.

AMELIA SPENS: But that’s precisely the problem. Too many people in Fort Canton and elsewhere have been living in the past. The old world is gone for good. People need to wave it goodbye and move on. And that’s what I plan to be doing, and what I’m looking for people to help me achieve. To build a brighter tomorrow on the ruins of yesterday.

ZOE CRICK: You make it sound so noble, which is ironic since you’re the most cynical woman in England.

AMELIA SPENS: Whereas you’re always such an idealist, of course.

ZOE CRICK: I always forget how loathsome you are

AMELIA SPENS: I always forget how judgemental you are. You’re a terrible hypocrite!

ZOE CRICK: And you’re a monster.

AMELIA SPENS: I’ve got half an hour to spare right now.

ZOE CRICK: Me, too. Phil, can you mind the fort?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: What? You’re not going to - you just called her a monster!

ZOE CRICK: Needs must. Back soon. Bye!

[door opens and shuts]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Zo! [sighs] Right. Um. They’ve gone. They’ve gone to… mm. Right. Um, uh, here’s a little number to get them in the mood! Not that they seem to need it. At all!

The Usual Stuff[]

BERNARD PRIOR: This is Bernard Prior on Fort Canton Today, keeping it really, really real! Even more real than – oh, I can’t get away with that. This is Bernard Prior on Fort Canton Today, with news, views, and how do you do’s? Oh, maybe that’s too silly? This is Bernie P. on Fort Canton Today, in your ears despite my years! No, that’s too weird. This is Bernard Prior on Fort Canton Today with… oh, you know, the usual stuff.

Latest From London[]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hello, citizens. This is Radio New Hope, bringing you all the news from all around the country.

ZOE CRICK: First up, there’s been some exciting developments in Kidderminster.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Have there?

ZOE CRICK: No, not really. I just like saying Kidderminster. Although apparently, they have opened a zombie petting zoo there.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: They haven’t.

ZOE CRICK: No, they have. The zombies are declawed and defanged, obviously. And chained up. I think they might also have had their salivary glands and voiceboxes removed.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: But why?

ZOE CRICK: So kids can see them up close and realize they aren’t that frightening.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: But… they are frightening! Kids ought to be frightened of them! Teaching your kids that zombies are harmless is a terrible idea.

ZOE CRICK: Well, that’s Kidderminster for you. We’ll be back with the latest from London right after this.

More Heart-Warming[]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: There’s been an announcement on Rofflenet from the London council of boroughs. Uh, after weeks of bitter conflict, the Democratic Republic of the Isle of Dogs has agreed to become a London borough. However, it continues to refuse to sign up to the Camden Human Rights Accords and will continue using flogging and the stocks as its primary methods of social control. And in other national news, the Lake District has announced it’s opening itself up to tourism again!

ZOE CRICK: Good luck with that one, guys. I hear you’ve got a thousand zombies per square mile up there.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, but there’s a cure now. People actually could go. Tourism could be a thing again.

ZOE CRICK: Yeah. I suppose they could go without dying. On the other hand, is Scafell Pike quite as scenic when it’s covered peak to foot in shambling decayed corpses?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Good point. In other news, Cornwall’s barred all visitors whose names begin with W, and experts predict that Liverpool should stop burning sometime in the middle of next year.

ZOE CRICK: We’ll be back with something a little more heartwarming right after this.

Maybe It'll Come Back[]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: This is a story about kittens, isn’t it?

ZOE CRICK: It’s not a story about kittens.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Is it a story about cats?

ZOE CRICK: Nope, definitely not.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: And by cats, I mean all cats. Lions. Tigers. Cheetahs. The works. Oh, and meerkats, as well.

ZOE CRICK: Meerkats aren’t even cats.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: So this is a story about meerkats.

ZOE CRICK: It’s not about meerkats, either.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: But it’s definitely about animals, and not human beings, isn’t it? Because you never describe a story about human beings as heartwarming.

ZOE CRICK: It may be a story about baby bats.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Baby bats?

ZOE CRICK: Yes.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Do bats even have babies?

ZOE CRICK: Yes, obviously. What do you think they do, reproduce by cloning themselves in little bat labs?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I thought they laid eggs.

ZOE CRICK: They’re mammals.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Really? I thought they were lizards.

ZOE CRICK: Lizards? At least if you’d said birds, it would make some sort of sense. I’ve… [sighs] Forgotten what I was going to say now.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You can’t remember the heartwarming story about bats?

ZOE CRICK: You distracted me. Play a song, and maybe it’ll come back to me.

Sound Like A Pleb[]

ZOE CRICK: What’s your least favorite word?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I thought you were going to tell us a story about bats.

ZOE CRICK: I’ve forgotten it. It was something to do with people feeding tiny bats from tiny bottles and then wrapping them up in tiny blankets.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I think that might just have been a dream you had.

ZOE CRICK: Anyway, what’s your least favorite word?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Embourgeoisement.

ZOE CRICK: I’ve literally no idea what you just said.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Embourgeoisement. It’s the process by which working class people join the middle class and assume its values. My sociology professor used to say it all the time.

ZOE CRICK: Of course she did. And of course you had a sociology professor.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I don’t know why, but it used to really irritate me. She always used to say it in this incredibly smug way, like she personally invented it. And she used to do it in this stupid fake French accent. Got on my nerves so much, I had to stop going to the lectures eventually.

ZOE CRICK: Please tell me you failed the end of year exam because of how much the word embourgeoisement irritated you.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I did, actually. Had to retake it the next year when I had a different lecturer. He used to talk about the Thatcherite hegemonic project a lot, which was only about 29% as irritating. Anyway, what’s your least favorite word?

ZOE CRICK: Oh, I was going to say gusset, but I can’t say it now. It’ll make me sound like a pleb.

What Would Elle Woods Do?[]

BERNARD PRIOR: Welcome to Fort Canton Today! And now on the program, my occasional cohost and full-time glorious leader, Amelia Spens, is here to discuss issues of the day.

AMELIA SPENS: Hello Bernard, listeners. Lovely to be here. Thanks for having me on the airwaves.

BERNARD PRIOR: Oh, don’t mention it. You did invite yourself, after all.

AMELIA SPENS: True. Now, I am delighted to let you know that we have a new trade pact with the Hugger-Muggers, The Wombles, and Archway 12, which means a new supply of tinned food, including spam, kidney beans, and dolphin-friendly tuna. All reasonably priced, but we do expect to sell out today, so run along, chop chop.

BERNARD PRIOR: Oh, that is jolly. It’s nice to have some good news for once. And I do love a tuna sandwich. Fresh wholemeal, slice of cucumber, sprinkle of salt. The perfect teatime treat.

AMELIA SPENS: I’ll have one sent over. Now -

BERNARD PRIOR: I was just wondering, though. Any news on a trade deal with Chalk Valley?

AMELIA SPENS: Oh, good grief. Every time. I promised you a tuna sandwich!

BERNARD PRIOR: It’s hardly the same. One set of papers. One person. After all I’ve done? You promised you’d look into it.

AMELIA SPENS: And I have, but it’s complicated! They don’t issue travel papers without coercion. Word is they are just as worried about people leaving as they are about people getting in. [sighs] I can do it, but I’d need intel on Chalk Valley’s leader, Big Nigel.

BERNARD PRIOR: Surely you have some. It’s you.

AMELIA SPENS: Bernard -

BERNARD PRIOR: I know that face. You do!

AMELIA SPENS: Maybe I do, but I need to use it for the correct -

BERNARD PRIOR: Millie, I sheltered you from the jigsaw mob.

AMELIA SPENS: I don’t think that was as serious as people made out.

BERNARD PRIOR: Oh, come on. What would Elle Woods do?

AMELIA SPENS: Play a tune. I need to think.

Wait, What?[]

BERNARD PRIOR: Well? Don’t keep old Bernard on tenterhooks. Have a heart, Miss Spens.

AMELIA SPENS: Okay, fine. I have a little information that Big Nigel was part of the Psychoanalysts Enclave’s LARPing group.

BERNARD PRIOR: [sighs] Um… wait. What?

Quite[]

BERNARD PRIOR: LARPing, eh? Is that compromising?

AMELIA SPENS: Not on its own, but as you know, Chalk Valley has a strict isolationist policy.

BERNARD PRIOR: Oh, I do know.

AMELIA SPENS: The Psychoanalysts LARP takes place outside the Chalk Valley boundaries. If he’s still playing -

BERNARD PRIOR: He’s sneaking out! Just like all the citizens of Chalk Valley are banned from doing.

AMELIA SPENS: Quite.

Naught But Ash[]

BERNARD PRIOR: Ahoy-hoy to thee, fair listeners. How utterly magnificent it is to have you here. The weather is quite pleasing, isn’t it? And I have a tuna sandwich, which is delicious. You would think, sweet listeners, would you not, that old Bernie would be in heaven. What with my sandwich, the perfect amount of fine sea salt, delicious Jaffa Cakes for afters, and of course, all the tea I could drink. But the fact is, as many a man before me has discovered, such riches are not but ash without someone delightful to share them with.

An Entertainment Show[]

BERNARD PRIOR: One question, Millie. What on earth is LARPing?

AMELIA SPENS: It’s essentially running around in a wood pretending to be an elf.

BERNARD PRIOR: Gosh, how rum. Do people do that on purpose?

AMELIA SPENS: Of course. It’s not the kind of thing that happens accidentally. Full elf costumes, usually, too.

BERNARD PRIOR: Well really, I’m quite taken aback. Truly there are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in my political philosophy radio show.

AMELIA SPENS: It’s an entertainment show, but yes. Quite.

Capable Of Anything[]

AMELIA SPENS: So here we have it, B. A draft agreement that states that in return for not dropping leaflets all over Chalk Valley telling residents about Big Nigel’s breaking of state lines, Chalk Valley will begin the process of allowing some free movement between itself and the Common Alliance of Independent Territories. That’s what we’re calling it now.

BERNARD PRIOR: Not the Free State Coalition? I liked that. Rather punchy.

AMELIA SPENS: No, no. Too punchy. Sigrid didn’t like us calling ourselves free states. Implies things about the other side of the wall she didn’t appreciate.

BERNARD PRIOR: Like them not being free at all?

AMELIA SPENS: Quite.

BERNARD PRIOR: So what? What can she do about it?

AMELIA SPENS: Oh, Bernie. Sigrid has a lot of weapons. Do you want a drone whizzing in here and flying up your trouser leg?

BERNARD PRIOR: She’s capable of that?

AMELIA SPENS: She’s capable of anything, B. Anything.

Hopefully After This Song[]

ZOE CRICK: So it’s a lovely bright sunny morning. The birds are singing, the clouds are as fluffy as cotton wool, and Phil bloody Cheeseman is nowhere to be seen. Yes, before you ask, I’ve tried his room. Either he’s not there or he’s not answering the door. You know what I think? I think he went on an unauthorized date last night. I had a special schedule all lined up for him, hand-picked by me.

I’d even warned them about his excessive love of prog rock. I put a lot of work into it, and admittedly, the first four didn’t go brilliantly, but I was refining my parameters. Anyway, we’ll see how well the date he picked himself went, won’t we? Hopefully after this song when he drags his ass in here.

Not Even Joking[]

ZOE CRICK: Nope. Still no sign of him. [sighs] I’m beginning to think the date actually went well, which is good. I mean, it’s definitely good. But also, who is this person? And where did he find her? I’ve literally made a list of every single eligible person of any relevant sexual or romantic orientation in Abel and the seven surrounding statelets. Okay, that’s not true. But it’s not not true.

How could Phil possibly have found someone to date without my input? He’s barely capable of deciding which socks to wear in the morning without asking me. I’m not even joking! He comes in here barefoot with three or four pairs and asks me to choose. Anyway, Cheeseman, this one’s for you! Wherever the hell you are.

Try Branching Out[]

ZOE CRICK: Well, this is getting ridiculous. I suppose I’ll just have to do Recipes on the Run on my own. At least we’ve had a really good one sent in by a reader involving quail’s eggs and - [door opens] Phil. And what kind of time do you call this?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Sorry, Zoe. Sorry, citizens. Sorry, world!

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] Date went well, then?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh my God! Zo! It’s amazing!

ZOE CRICK: Oh, amazing, was it? This mystery date with this mystery woman?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah. Um… I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about it, only uh, I wasn’t sure how it was going to go and I didn’t want to jinx it.

ZOE CRICK: You thought telling me about it might jinx it? Hm, charming.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: No, not all that. Only you’ve got to admit, every date you’ve arranged for me so far has been a total disaster.

ZOE CRICK: Just because they didn’t turn into long-term relationships doesn’t mean they were a disaster.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: One of them walked out after five minutes because I told her I didn’t think Pierce Brosnan was that bad as James Bond.

ZOE CRICK: Hmm. To be fair, that is one of your silliest opinions.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Anyway, I just thought I’d try branching out on my own for a bit. And Layla, this one’s just for you.

Take The Mickey[]

ZOE CRICK: So I suppose you’re going to refuse to tell me about it, and I’ll have to go around asking everyone in Abel Township until I finally find someone who happened to see you while you were out to tell me all the gory details. Not that that’s what I’ve done for your previous dates, obviously.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Sorry, Zo. Not this one.

ZOE CRICK: I suppose if this one went well, you want to avoid upsetting her by blabbing on air.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: No, that’s not it. I asked Layla, and she said she didn’t mind me telling you. She said she’d listened to the show, and she knows what you’re like, and she knows you’ll get it out of me anyway.

ZOE CRICK: Hm. She said that, did she?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah. She also said she knows you’re my best friend, so of course you’re going to want to know.

ZOE CRICK: Oh.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I’m still not going to tell you, though. Sorry, but I’m not.

ZOE CRICK: Why?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Because it’s… it was our first date and it was really special and I like that it was just us.

ZOE CRICK: First date. Implying there’d be more?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: We’re seeing each other again on Thursday.

ZOE CRICK: That’s… that’s really good. I’m glad you met someone nice.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah. Me, too.

ZOE CRICK: Although I’m going to take the mickey out of you about it relentlessly for the next month. Possibly three.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah. I know.

Slower Than Imagined[]

BERNARD PRIOR: Listeners, this is quite an exciting moment for the show! I am patched live to the negotiations between Chalk Valley’s Big Nigel and Ms. Amelia Spens of Fort Canton and the CAIT. Let’s listen live.

AMELIA SPENS: Yes, but if you could just stop just for a moment. I mean, come down from the tree. And if I could speak to you, the real you, not Cowslip Blossom the elf. [foliage rustles] Well. That costume doesn’t leave much to the imagination.

BERNARD PRIOR: It seems things are going slower than I imagined. Let’s have some music.

Solemn Occasion[]

BERNARD PRIOR: Really? No success?

AMELIA SPENS: Sadly, none. Of course, this program only reaches Chalk Valley through covert channels, but he’d intercepted the broadcasts that mentioned his LARPING. However, instead of suppressing them as I’d imagined, he told the people of Chalk Valley that LARPing was essential training and that his participation in such endeavors with the dastardly forces and powers outside the valley was, in fact, an act of extreme bravery. I will say, there is something brave about impersonating Cowslip Blossom the elf. Seriously, that costume was eye-watering.

BERNARD PRIOR: Whose eyes? [laughs] Yours or his?

AMELIA SPENS: Both.

BERNARD PRIOR: Oh. Listeners, some appropriate music for this solemn occasion.

Unattainable Margot[]

BERNARD PRIOR: Margot, oh Margot. If only we could find a way to be together, rather than so cruelly adrift in the post-apocalypse. Zombie hordes have a lot to answer for. Dear sweet unattainable Margot.

Sod The Water[]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hello, citizens. We’ve got our regular guest back today, Jody Marsh, former Commander in Chief of Abel Township. Hello, Jody.

JODY MARSH: Hi.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Jody’s back with us to discuss the current nationwide water crisis, and what you as individuals can do about it.

ZOE CRICK: Boring.

JODY MARSH: I know water’s not exactly thrilling, but we do sorta need it to live.

ZOE CRICK: Yeah, blah blah. Basis of all life on earth, overconsumption, and draught, blah blah. But wouldn’t you rather talk about Phil’s new girlfriend?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: No, because she’s an actual grown-up with grown-up responsibilities. So Jody, about this water shortage -

JODY MARSH: Hang on, you’ve got a girlfriend?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Do you have to sound that surprised about it? Anyway, water shortages -

JODY MARSH: Forget about the water! Tell me about this woman. Who is she? What’s she like? What’s her job? Where does she live? If you know her shoe size, you can tell me that, too.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Give me strength.

It Never Came Up[]

ZOE CRICK: I think that might be their song.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: No, it isn’t.

ZOE CRICK: Really? You were humming it all day yesterday with a silly grin on your face.

JODY MARSH: Don’t tell me you’re in love! Oh, Phil!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: We’ve only been on five dates.

ZOE CRICK: That wasn’t actually an answer. Also, the fact you’re still calling them dates is adorable. Oh, and talking of… didn’t I see you out on a date yesterday, Jody?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, thank God.

JODY MARSH: Maybe. But I think it’s time we got back to the important water shortages currently affecting the country.

ZOE CRICK: Nope. What’s sauce for the goose, etc. So you and Tom De Luca, eh?

JODY MARSH: Honestly, there’s nothing to tell.

ZOE CRICK: No, of course. Nothing except all the gory details. That’s a very handsome man you’ve got yourself. I want dates, frequency, and durations. Marks for artistic merit would also be appreciated.

JODY MARSH: There’s none of that, Zo. I’m asexual.

ZOE CRICK: Really? How did I never know that?

JODY MARSH: It never came up. It’s not like Abel has a regular Pride march where you’d see me up there waving the ace flag.

So Over The Top[]

ZOE CRICK: I can see why someone might not be into sex.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Really? You wouldn’t think so, from the amount you talk about it.

ZOE CRICK: Oi. To be fair, it is one of my favorite hobbies. But it’s also faintly ridiculous and frequently squelchy. I can see why someone might not like it.

JODY MARSH: It’s not that I don’t like it. I used to do it and it was totally fine!

ZOE CRICK: If it’s only fine, you’re not doing it right.

JODY MARSH: Believe me, I tried all the variations. One-night stands, people I loved. Men, a couple of women. It was always perfectly okay. Kind of like eating lettuce. Nothing wrong with it, but no one sits there going, God, I’m really craving some lettuce right now. It’s just the bit of the salad you eat because it always gets served along with the actual nice bits. That’s how I felt about sex in a relationship. If they wanted sex and it made them happy, then it was no skin off my nose.

ZOE CRICK: That’s… that’s not how you should be feeling about it. You should never feel like you’ve got to do it because the other person wants it but you don’t. Never. Ever.

JODY MARSH: Don’t worry. No one put any pressure on me. I just thought that’s what you did. But I worked it out eventually. Took me ages, because I used to assume everyone felt about sex the way I did.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Really? But people are always going on about how amazing it is.

JODY MARSH: Exactly. It was so over the top, I thought they must be lying. But now I’ve found someone who… likes me the way I am! And it’s great. Tom, he’s a… he’s a great guy.

ZOE CRICK: This one’s for you, Tom. For treating our Jody the way she deserves.

Abel Pride[]

ZOE CRICK: Oh my God, that’s given me an idea.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, there we go.

ZOE CRICK: No, listen. It’s sensible, for once. Abel Pride.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Blimey! That actually is a good idea!

ZOE CRICK: Right?

JODY MARSH: It’s bloody brilliant! When we win, when we beat Sigrid, that’s what we’re going to do. We’re going to hold a massive great Pride right here in Abel.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You can march with Amelia, Zo.

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] Can you just imagine? Amelia waving a rainbow flag and chanting, “We’re here, we’re queer, get used to it.”

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I’d pay good money to see that.

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] She’ll probably pay someone else to march for her. Anyway, you and Layla can come to support us.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, that’d be good. It’s definitely time you met. I think you two would get on like a house on fire.

JODY MARSH: Maxine and Paula and Sam can bring Sara. They can dress her up in a little rainbow dress!

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] And we’ll raise a glass to Jack and Eugene.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: There you have it, citizens. Abel Pride, and everyone’s invited. Keep listening to find out more.

Codex[]

Supplies[]

The following supplies can be found in Season 6 Radio Mode.

9mm Ammo 9mm Ammo
Axe Axe
Bandages Bandages
Baseball Bat Baseball Bat
Batteries Batteries
Book Book
Bottled Water Bottled Water
Box of Lightbulbs Box of Lightbulbs
Candles Candles
Dress Dress
Hairbrush Hairbrush
Mobile Phone Mobile Phone
Pain Meds Pain Meds
Paintbrush Paintbrush
Power Cable Power Cable
Prescription Pain Meds Prescription Pain Meds
Radio Radio
Seeds Seeds
Shirt Shirt
Shorts Shorts
Sports Bra Sports Bra
Thermal underwear Thermal underwear
Tinned Food Tinned Food
Tool Box Tool Box
Trousers Trousers
Underwear Underwear
USB Key USB Key

Advertisement