Season 3 Radio Mode

Home is where the heart is, and Radio Cabel is at home wherever there's a soundproof booth. Or a sound-dampening booth. Or, honestly, just some cushions against a wall.

Certain Season 3 Radio Mode Clips will only play once certain conditions have been met.

Cast

• Janine De Luca
• Zoe Crick
• Phil Cheeseman
• Jack Holden
• Eugene Woods
• Chloe
• Carlos Contreras
• Holly
• Lizzie
• Kirsty
• Melissa
• Avery
• Katie
• Scott
• Nick Trapezius
• Father Neil
• Eric Luke
• Allison Brodick
• Rachael Dennis

Crew

• Writer: Matt Wieteska and Rebecca Levene
• Director: Matt Wieteska
• Sound Designer: Mark Pittam
• Series Created By: Naomi Alderman

Transcript

Immediate Forfeiture of Citizenship

JANINE DE LUCA: Today’s announcements again. Residents of Abel and New Canton are to be advised that the curfew remains in place. Any movements after dark will be strictly punished unless accompanied by the relevant authorization.

For New Canton, all odd-numbered housing units are to provide their mandated three personnel for guard duty each night this week. This is excepting Units 13 and 19, which must only provide two guards, in recognition of their recent sacrifices to our common safety.

Abel residents, your assignments have been posted on the noticeboard in the quad. I would recommend that you refresh your memories in the near future, as there will be no lenience for truance.

As always, any travel outside the perimeter of either settlement is forbidden without specific clearance from both your duty commander and your on-shift radio operator. Contravening this rule will result in the immediate forfeiture of citizenship.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.

Closing the blinds

ZOE CRICK: Thank you, Janine.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, thanks for that update, Janet.

ZOE CRICK: Uh…

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Now, Zoe, you were telling us all about some house cleaning tips.

ZOE CRICK: Head cleaving tips, yes.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Right. So, houses…

ZOE CRICK: Heads, yes. As I’m sure you remember, Phil, I’m a complete novice with this kind of thing. Runner Twenty-Nine, however, has furnished me with some great tips for those of you out on the fences. Her career as a lumberjack means she’s got real insight on how to -

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh yeah, he’s a sight.

ZOE CRICK: Uh… right. Phil, I feel like you’re not listening to me.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Right, listening. I know…

ZOE CRICK: Is there something distracting you, Phil?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, yeah, tell me about it.

ZOE CRICK: Why are you staring out of the window?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I just… because they should have been here by now.

ZOE CRICK: Oh God. I know what this is about. Listeners, we’ll be right back. I’m going to shut the blinds.

Welcome to New Canton

PHIL CHEESEMAN: So, Zoe, you were telling us all about Runner Twenty-Nine’s top tips for smashing skulls.

ZOE CRICK: I was! Thank you, Phil. At the moment, everyone has to spend a lot of time at the fences, beating back the ravening hordes who seem to raven more and more every day.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [laughs] Yeah.

ZOE CRICK: So we think it’s useful for all of you out there to know how to beat them back without breaking your backs.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah. Oh, very nice!

ZOE CRICK: [nervous laugh] Yeah, thank you. So, our resident expert chopper has provided the following tips.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hmm.

ZOE CRICK: Firstly, make sure to choose a weapon that’s sharp and as heavy as you can lift comfortably.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh, sharp, yeah.

ZOE CRICK: Mm. The last thing you want when you’re out there for four hours is having to constantly unstick your weapon from a zom’s skull.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Ooh, no.

ZOE CRICK: Uh, secondly, it’s really important to warm up properly.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Mmm.

ZOE CRICK: If you’re not loose and limber before you head out there, you could pull a muscle or something worse, and put yourself out of action for a good long time.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Awful, awful.

ZOE CRICK: ...Thirdly, clothing.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, clothing.

ZOE CRICK: Oh dear God, Phil, can you stop agreeing with me for a bloody second? I can’t hear myself read, here.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, well, what do you want, Zoe? What is it? First I’m not paying enough attention and distracting you, now I’m paying too much attention and distracting you, so what is it? What do you want?

ZOE CRICK: I’d like you, Mister Cheeseman, to show some judgment about an appropriate level of agreement, you know? Like a professional would?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, don’t hang that sword over my head again. We get it. You used to do this for a living, and I was just a student.

ZOE CRICK: [whispers] That is not what this is about, Phil. All I’m asking for is a little bit of -

JACK HOLDEN: [in the distance] Hello! Hello, anyone home?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: They’re here!

[door opens]

EUGENE WOODS: Uh, hey, guys.

JACK HOLDEN: All right, you lot?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Jack, Eugene! Bloody hell, it’s good to see you! [laughs]

ZOE CRICK: Hello, boys! Welcome to New Canton!

EUGENE WOODS: Uh… time for some music?

[everyone laughs]

ZOE CRICK: I’ll put the kettle on.

Cider

PHIL CHEESEMAN: All righty, citizens! We are back back back, and we are finally all together at last!

ZOE CRICK: Indeed we are, Phil. It’s our pleasure to welcome Jack and Eugene to New Canton!

PHIL CHEESEMAN and JACK HOLDEN: Hey!

EUGENE WOODS: It’s great to be here, Zoe.

JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, there’s nowhere we’d rather be exiled to than here.

EUGENE WOODS: Jack, we haven’t been exiled, we’ve just been reassigned.

JACK WOODS: Don’t tell me you buy all their baloney reasons for sending us out here. They got sick of us!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, Abel has been sending more runners out recently.

ZOE CRICK: And God knows, the zoms are more aggressive than ever.

EUGENE WOODS: Which is why Abel needs the extra comms capacity, and why we very selflessly relinquished our shack and equipment.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: And now we’re all here, broadcasting together in the same space, which is better anyway.

JACK HOLDEN: Well, better if you like sharing mics and having Eugene’s crutch in your side, and whatever that smell is.

ZOE CRICK: Phil’s making cider.

JACK HOLDEN: Wait, wait, you have cider here? Okay, I am in. After all, a change is as good as a rest, eh, Gene?

EUGENE WOODS: Yeah, uh, what apples do you have, Phil? Bramley?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, no, thank God. They go straight to the kitchens. It’s Tom Putts, which is lucky, because no one will eat them.

EUGENE WOODS: Ooh. I look forward to trying that.

ZOE CRICK: I wouldn’t get too excited. The last batch was so dry, I wanted to jump into the well.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oi!

EUGENE WOODS: Oh, you could probably solve that, Phil, by separating the yeast before it’s finished fermenting, and then -

PHIL CHEESEMAN: - and leaving some of the sugar in, sure, but it’s hard to filter properly with what I have on hand. I tried to get the runners to look for a centrifuge or something when they went out to the hospital, but no.

EUGENE WOODS: Well, you could probably try, um, adding some -

ZOE CRICK: All right, all right. Listeners, here’s a bit of music while these two bore us senseless. Jack?

JACK HOLDEN: Oh, my pleasure. Uh, we’ll be back right after… [whispers] this is… this channel, right?

ZOE CRICK: No, that’s MiniDisc. This one.

JACK HOLDEN: Oh, oh, that.

Professional Segue

JACK HOLDEN: So Zoe, uh, what were you guys talking about before we so rudely interrupted you?

ZOE CRICK: We were giving our listeners here at New Canton head smashing tips.

EUGENE WOODS: Oh, an old classic!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Indeed. But even more important nowadays, with all the extra zom activity.

JACK HOLDEN: Yes. It’s really getting tough out there, isn’t it? Our crossing from Abel was interesting. [laughs]

EUGENE WOODS: You can say that again! When those zoms burst through those trees – [laughs] I thought we were done.

JACK HOLDEN: Nah, no, no, they did not know who they were messing with. Between Sir Geoffrey and your little, uh, swordy thing -

EUGENE WOODS: It’s called a sword.

[PHIL CHEESEMAN laughs]

JACK HOLDEN: Right, but yeah, they never stood a chance. We were totally fine, just like the old times. Jack and Gene against the zombie hordes, kicking butts and taking names!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Sounds like quite the adventure indeed! The kind of adventure that our listeners have to face everyday while they’re defending New Canton from the aforementioned shambling hordes, which is why Zoe’s going to give us all of Runner Twenty-Nine’s head splitting tips after this musical break.

ZOE CRICK: ...Wow.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: What?

ZOE CRICK: That was definitely the most professional segue you’ve ever made. I’m impressed.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Aw, shush. Stick on a track, would you? [whispers] And thanks.

Philharmonic

EUGENE WOODS: I hope you guys all enjoyed that. Now here’s Zoe Crick to give you all some tips on dealing with those pesky zoms.

ZOE CRICK: Thanks, Eugene. Hey, Phil, why don’t you take over?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Is this a test?

ZOE CRICK: What?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: A test? To see if I was listening before?

ZOE CRICK: No, Phil, this is not a test.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh. Well, I would have aced it. Check this out:

For all the citizens who are just joining, here’s a quick recap of Runner Twenty-Nine’s tips for zombie disposal so far. For your weapon: sharp and heavy! Always make sure to warm up before you start!

For clothing, there are two schools of thought: either loose and comfortable to provide freedom of movement, or well-fitting to prevent you getting snagged or grabbed. The choice, citizens, is yours.

Next, we need to talk about gloves. Some will prepare to use them to minimize – [JACK HOLDEN laughs] Hey!

EUGENE WOODS: Jack!

JACK HOLDEN: I’m sorry - his hands!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: What?

JACK HOLDEN: His hands! They’re so flappy!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh - !

EUGENE WOODS: What are you talking about?

JACK HOLDEN: Look at his hands. When he’s talking, they’re all flappy, and -

EUGENE WOODS: Oh yeah! [laughs]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, it’s for emphasis! All the best radio hosts do it. It helps you direct the flow of your delivery.

ZOE CRICK: It looks like you’re trying to conduct an orchestra. [JACK HOLDEN laughs]

EUGENE WOODS: No no, it’s like he’s waving away a swarm of flies. [ZOE CRICK laughs]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: It’s just my style, and I don’t think it’s particularly polite to start laughing at it and throw me off my game!

EUGENE WOODS: I don’t know, it’s pretty funny.

JACK HOLDEN: No no no, you’re right, Phil. I’m sorry.

EUGENE WOODS: Me too.

ZOE CRICK: Philharmonic.

JACK HOLDEN: Hey -

EUGENE WOODS: What?

ZOE CRICK: That’s what he looks like. Like he’s conducting the Philharmonic. [laughs] “Phil.” [laughs] “Phil”-harmonic, get it?

[JACK HOLDEN clears throat]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh, Jack, do you want to - ?

Live Long and Prosper

ZOE CRICK: Oh, I haven’t heard that one in ages!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, I thought you’d like that.

JACK HOLDEN: It’s weird though, isn’t it?

ZOE CRICK: What? How you “Phil”-istines didn’t like my joke?

EUGENE WOODS: [groans] Oh God, that’s even worse than the first one.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: How long have you been preparing that?

ZOE CRICK: Mm, not long.

JACK HOLDEN: But no, I mean, like… it’s weird how we’ve been broadcasting together all this time, but we’ve never actually seen each other before.

ZOE CRICK: I see what you mean. I certainly didn’t expect you to have such… powerful hair.

JACK HOLDEN: [laughs] And what exactly do you mean by that?

ZOE CRICK: Just that it’s very… well, you know…

EUGENE WOODS: I think Zoe’s trying to say you have a very uh… unique style.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Ginger! They mean you’re a bloody ginger.

JACK HOLDEN: Am I? Bloody hell, what? I’ve never noticed before. Thanks, Phil.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, you’re welcome. I do know what you mean, though. It’s weird, seeing Eugene’s, um…

EUGENE WOODS: My what?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh, tattoos. Your tattoos.

EUGENE WOODS: Uh, yeah. I notice you sporting some yourself, Zoe. What is that, a rose?

ZOE CRICK: Yeah, for my mom. [laughs] She didn’t want me getting tattoos, but I thought if my first one were for her, she’d have less of an issue with it.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Did it work?

ZOE CRICK: No. She went mad. [PHIL CHEESEMAN laughs] Ran me out of the house. Don’t think she forgave me until I went off to uni. [laughs] Still, I’m glad I’ve got it now. Not that I’d ever forget her, but uh, it’s nice to see her whenever I check the time.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: And your peace sign, don’t forget about that.

ZOE CRICK: Oh God, Phil, really?

JACK HOLDEN: What? Is it like one of those Chinese characters that doesn’t really mean what you think it means?

ZOE CRICK: Not exactly.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Just show them, Zo. They’ll see it eventually.

ZOE CRICK: [sighs] Fine, fine. [clothing rustles]

[EUGENE WOODS laughs]

JACK HOLDEN: What? I don’t get it.

EUGENE WOODS: Amazing!

JACK HOLDEN: I don’t get it!

EUGENE WOODS: That, my dear Jack, is the Starfleet symbol from the hit television and movie franchise Star Trek. [laughs]

JACK HOLDEN: Oh!

ZOE CRICK: I’d never… I wasn’t really into that stuff, so yeah, I thought I’d made it up. Obviously I’d just seen it on TV or something.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: And you called me a nerd for not having any tattoos.

ZOE CRICK: All right, all right. Very good, I’m a big nerd. Play a song, would you?

Shippo

ZOE CRICK: All right, well, I’ve shared mine. Eugene, tell us about some of your tattoos.

EUGENE WOODS: Oh God, I don’t know where to start.

JACK HOLDEN: Hey, I know my favorite.

EUGENE WOODS: This is a family show, Jack!

JACK HOLDEN: Oh, spoilsport! [mutters] You know I like the way you -

EUGENE WOODS: Shh!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: All right, um… what about that one, Eugene, on your shoulder?

EUGENE WOODS: This guy? Yeah, that’s a line from a Velvet Underground song.

ZOE CRICK: Oh, let me see!

EUGENE WOODS: Hang on, let me -

JACK HOLDEN: Ow! Watch it!

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] Cool! “All Tomorrow’s Parties”, right?

EUGENE WOODS: Bingo. This is actually a good one, though. I got this when I went away for the weekend to Vancouver with my first serious girlfriend.

JACK HOLDEN: Hannah.

EUGENE WOODS: Yeah. We were drinking at this bar, uh, The Six Acres, talking about how we wanted to remember the trip, and I’d been thinking about a tattoo for a while, and then this song comes on, and -

PHIL CHEESEMAN: “All Tomorrow’s Parties”.

EUGENE WOODS: Exactly. And we both loved the song, so we just decide, there and then, “Let’s get tattoos.” I got this line, Hannah got the next line.

ZOE CRICK: Aww, that’s cute.

EUGENE WOODS: It’s actually one of only two tattoos I got while drunk.

JACK HOLDEN: [laughs] Oh God, not the shippo.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: What’s a shippo?

JACK HOLDEN: Don’t ask. [laughs]

ZOE CRICK: No, I’m curious now. What’s a shippo, Eugene?

EUGENE WOODS It’s a – remember, I was really, really drunk when I got this one -

JACK HOLDEN: Blind drunk. You must have been blind drunk.

EUGENE WOODS: I was blind drunk when I got this. But a shippo’s… well, it’s a ship crossed with a hippo. A shippo.

JACK HOLDEN: A pink shippo.

ZOE CRICK: Oh, now I have to see this.

EUGENE WOODS: Here, I’ll draw you a picture.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Why? Why can’t you just show it to us? [laughs] Oh, is it somewhere private?

JACK HOLDEN: No, it’s uh… never mind, let’s just -

EUGENE WOODS: It’s on my left calf.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh! Uh… uh, right. Okay, uh, sorry. I didn’t -

ZOE CRICK: What Phil is trying to stammer is that this is probably too visual for radio. Uh, so, we’ll take a break while Eugene does us a drawing. We’ll be right back.

Buried It

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, I see.

ZOE CRICK: So that’s the - ?

EUGENE WOODS: Yeah, the prow.

[JACK HOLDEN laughs]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: But also the head. Right.

ZOE CRICK: Well, there’s got to be a good story behind that, right?

EUGENE WOODS: Actually, it’s pretty run of the mill. I got drunk with a friend of mine who owned a tattoo gun, decided the idea of a shippo was the funniest thing in the world. A couple of hours later, boom! Shippo tattoo.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, it’s not exactly “making memories with the first serious girlfriend” territory.

EUGENE WOODS: No. Well, you know. That guy’s long gone now, and uh, to tell you the truth, I do kind of miss that stupid shippo tattoo.

JACK HOLDEN: Eugene, don’t. Don’t -

EUGENE WOODS: No, it’s okay. It’s… it’s been a while, Jack. It wasn’t my fault, we weren’t to know, but look… if I hadn’t insisted on lighting that fire -

JACK HOLDEN: We were freezing, Gene. We needed to stay warm.

EUGENE WOODS: I know, I know. It’s fine. I just… just let me tell it, okay?

JACK HOLDEN: Okay. Fine, okay.

EUGENE WOODS: So, [sighs] I insisted we light this fire, because we were freezing. We were on the road. The guys we were travelling with – Shawn and his friends – they had thermal blankets and sleeping bags and so on, but not enough. We didn’t know -

JACK HOLDEN: We couldn’t have known, Gene.

EUGENE WOODS: No. But the fire, it caught the attention of someone nearby, and well, it doesn’t take long after a disaster for people to start turning on each other to survive. One minute, we’re thawing out, heating up some beans or something for dinner, and then -

JACK HOLDEN: We did everything we could.

EUGENE WOODS: Not enough! Shawn and… they were on the wrong side of the fire, and it… it happened so quickly. We managed to… Jack was on his feet right away, and we knocked out a couple of them, and…

JACK HOLDEN: It’s okay, Gene. You don’t have to tell it, it’s okay.

EUGENE WOODS: It… I was stupid. I wanted to tie them up. I couldn’t face the other option. But one of them still had a knife on him. He… it went straight through my boot, straight through, and uh…

JACK HOLDEN: It’s okay.

EUGENE WOODS: And that was that. I don’t know, I… I don’t remember a lot after that.

ZOE CRICK: God, Eugene.

EUGENE WOODS: Jack helped me walk for a while until the infection spread, and then he carried me for a while. [clears throat] So somewhere out there in some rickety little barn, there’s still a leg with a shippo on it.

JACK HOLDEN: Gene.

[subdued laughter]

EUGENE WOODS: What, uh, too soon?

JACK HOLDEN: Too soon. Way too soon. Anyway, you know I buried it.

Comfort Break

[everyone laughs]

EUGENE WOODS: And then! Then he says, “I ain’t not been around here for no time, douche!” [laughs] And I just -

JACK HOLDEN: We can’t figure out what the hell – what he’s trying to say, and he’s pointing this um, shotgun at us.

EUGENE WOODS: [laughs] This little kid! Maybe eight years old, and this huge gun, no bullets -

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh, boom! We’re back!

EUGENE WOODS: We’re back. [laughs]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh, welcome back, citizens! Eugene and Jack have just been regaling us with some stories from their time on the road, and well, as you can hear, they’re really rather amusing.

ZOE CRICK: “Ain’t not been around here.” [laughs]

JACK HOLDEN: He was so small!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Um, Jack, maybe there’s a story you can share with our listeners while we’re on the topic?

ZOE CRICK: Oh yeah! Tell the one about the cow.

EUGENE WOODS: Oh no no no, what about the mystery van?

JACK HOLDEN: Ooh yeah, that’s a good one. Uh, so, so there’s this um -

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh wait, wait. Hang on, hang on.

JACK HOLDEN: What?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I uh, I need a comfort break.

JACK HOLDEN: All right. Music break then?

ZOE CRICK: Yeah. Right back after this.

Pesky Kids

ZOE CRICK: Hello, listeners. Now we’re just waiting for Phil to return from getting more comfortable [laughs] so I’ll just tell you a little bit more about the song we just heard. I bet you didn’t know that it was actually written in response to -

[door opens]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Sorry, sorry, sorry.

ZOE CRICK: The prodigal son returns. All better?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah. Thank you. Uh, there was a bit of a queue, but all sorted now.

ZOE CRICK: Good! So, Jack?

JACK HOLDEN: Oh, right. Yeah, um, story. Uh…

EUGENE WOODS: Mystery van?

JACK HOLDEN: Uh, yeah, yeah. Right, right. [clears throat] So, we’re on the road up north -

EUGENE WOODS: Still on our own, at this point.

JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, this is when we’re still on our own, and we’ve stopped for the night in this old house up on a hill. Pretty safe place, wasn’t too badly damaged. Cushiony. And I’m settling down to sleep -

EUGENE WOODS: I was on first watch.

JACK HOLDEN: Right, anyway. Um, now I’ve been asleep a little while when Gene wakes me up and he points out the window, and we see this van driving up the hill towards the house.

EUGENE WOODS: And you have to remember, this was pretty soon after the outbreak, but you still didn’t know who you could or couldn’t trust, so we’re instantly like, on high alert.

JACK HOLDEN: Right, right. So we’re crouching there by the window. I’ve got W.G., Gene has his pipe, and we’re watching and waiting to see what happens next. After a minute, the van stops outside the house and four people get out.

EUGENE WOODS: Two guys and two girls.

JACK HOLDEN: Right. A guy with short blonde hair, kind of posh-looking, a long-haired brunette girl, a scruffy-looking guy, and a shorter girl with a bob.

EUGENE WOODS: And then – like, we are seriously not making this up -

JACK HOLDEN: A bloody Great Dane gets out of the back of the van with the scruffy guy!

EUGENE WOODS: [laughs] Unbelievable!

JACK HOLDEN: Totally impossible to process, but we’re still, you know – we don’t know these people, they could be trouble.

EUGENE WOODS: So we’re looking around the room, wondering if we can defend it if it comes to that, and the odds really aren’t looking good -

JACK HOLDEN: But then I get this idea, and I pull my T-shirt up over my face so only my eyes are visible, and I press my face right up against the window, and I point my torch under my chin.

EUGENE WOODS: He looked terrifying!

JACK HOLDEN: And the scruffy guy catches sight of me, and points at the rest of them, like, they would all just instantly kak themselves, like -

EUGENE WOODS: Like they’d seen a ghost!

JACK HOLDEN: Exactly! Now, I swear their hair actually stood on end, like in a cartoon.

EUGENE WOODS: Honestly, eyes popping out on stalks, and everything. Right back in the van, off they go, and we have a trouble-free night’s sleep.

JACK HOLDEN: I would have felt bad about it, but I’m pretty sure they were going to murder us in our sleep and steal all our stuff.

ZOE CRICK: They would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for you pesky kids!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, very good.

[JACK imitates Scooby Doo’s laugh, everyone laughs]

Gone Grey

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You know, Jack, your mystery van encounter’s reminded me of something that happened to me in my wilderness days.

JACK HOLDEN: Oh, really?

ZOE CRICK: Let me guess – you figured out a way to make tea without needing a fire.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: No, I uh -

EUGENE WOODS: Ooh ooh ooh, you found a stash of old crosswords and spent two weeks solving them.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: No, no -

JACK HOLDEN: Oh, oh, you took a jumper out of a tree and it fit perfectly! ...What? That happened to me once.

EUGENE WOODS: Yeah, but that was your jumper.

JACK HOLDEN: Still.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You’re all wrong, I’m afraid. I was actually thinking about the time I helped this nice old couple secure their house.

ZOE CRICK: What?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, I was passing through this small village – it was mostly deserted – and I was looking for supplies. You remember how it was back in the early days? You didn’t have to look too far to stock up, so you could travel much lighter.

Anyway, as I was walking through town, I heard hammering, and it turned out to be this nice older gentleman trying to board up his windows, and build a fence around his house.

He was pretty suspicious of me at first, but after I offered him some of the Earl Grey I found, he soon relaxed, we had a cuppa, and then it was all lovely. And I stayed with them a few days, helped them build some fences, fight off a horde or two, lay in some supplies, and generally get set up.

ZOE CRICK: Sounds nice. Why didn’t you stay?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Ah, well, here’s the thing: the house was haunted.

JACK HOLDEN: Wait, what?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: The house. It was haunted by the couple’s daughter who’d turned a week or two earlier.

EUGENE WOODS: You’re… you’re joking, right?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: No, no! I never believed in this stuff either, but every night I stayed there, I heard her! This moaning, wailing sound from down in the cellar. There was scratching at the door. I asked about it, and they told me it was her ghost.

ZOE CRICK: Phil, you don’t think it might just have been...her? [laughs] You know, gone gray?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: ...Oh. Oh. That’s… that’s not such a nice story anymore.

EUGENE WOODS: No. No, it isn’t. Maybe… maybe we should take a break.

JACK HOLDEN: I think that’s a good idea.

This Song's For You

EUGENE WOODS: All right, if we’re doing this big catch up, here’s something I’ve always wondered about, Zoe.

ZOE CRICK: Oh yeah?

EUGENE WOODS: Yeah. I remember you saying that you’ve never killed a zom?

ZOE CRICK: Yup. That’s true. Not really my style.

EUGENE WOODS: Right, but – so here’s my question: how? You had to travel like the rest of us. We could barely make it five miles without having to whip out the old bat-pipe combo.

ZOE CRICK: Aha, well [laughs] therein lies a tale. I was looking after my sister’s kids on day one. She was working out of town for a week. We waited as long as we could, but well, I had to try to keep the kids safe, you know. So the four of us set off to the old air base just out of town.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Ah yes, the old "military base safe zone" move. Popular one, that, at the start at least. Seems like that was everyone’s first thought.

ZOE CRICK: Well, Phil [laughs] I’m sorry my apocalypse survival plan wasn’t original enough for you, but I had three kids to worry about, and I decided to take my usual approach of hiding behind the biggest kid in the playground until the bullies go away.

JACK HOLDEN: Sensible. Eugene’s certainly been my human shield on several occasions.

EUGENE WOODS: I don’t think it counts when you’re hiding from spiders.

JACK HOLDEN: Uh, it definitely freaking counts. Spiders are terrifying.

ZOE CRICK: Anyway, I could imagine what the scene would be like on the roads with all those people trying to get out of town, what people might end up doing to each other, and I didn’t want the kids to see that. So we mostly stuck to backroads, crossing fields, you know. Staying out of sight, avoiding everyone we saw.

And if there were ever zoms in our path, well, I didn’t trust that I could keep the kids safe if we had a direct confrontation, so we just stuck to our plan: stay hidden, throw things to distract them. It’s amazing how much noise you can make with a well-aimed rock thrown at a car window.

JACK HOLDEN: And you made it to the base?

ZOE CRICK: Yeah. I was surprised, actually. There were so many close calls, so many moments of terror. Those 15 miles seemed like 200. But yeah, we made it without major incident, except for Sean spraining his wrist.

EUGENE WOODS: So what happened?

ZOE CRICK: We uh, well, we were lucky. We got there ahead of the major rush. The base wasn’t locked down yet, thank God.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, I heard a lot of stories about folk arriving, only to be turned back out into the night. Then people getting angry, soldiers having no choice but to…

EUGENE WOODS: Like at Powerton Heath. Sorry, Zoe, go on.

ZOE CRICK: No problem. They’d set up a field hospital outside the fences. One of the medics saw to Sean’s wrist, and I begged him to take us in. He refused. They were already preparing to lock down the base, he said. I begged, offered him everything I had. Then his commander came over - some woman I’ll never be able to repay – said take the kids. I… it was hard to say goodbye. But I just wanted them to be safe.

After that, I kept moving north, and the habit just sort of stuck. Stay out of sight, stay away from big roads or buildings or anything. The journey wasn’t easy, but if you’re careful, you don’t need to fight.

JACK HOLDEN: And the kids, are they - ?

ZOE CRICK: They’re fine. [laughs] Lucy’s nearly 12, now. We get to Rofflenet every now and then. I hope… I hope I’ll get to see them again when this is all over, and I hope they’re listening now. I love you, kids. This song’s for you.

Live Cautiously

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Welcome back, citizens. To follow on from her earlier story, Zoe’s now going to furnish us with some tips on how to avoid those pesky zoms while you’re out there in the wilds. Zoe?

ZOE CRICK: Thanks, Phil. Now, I’m not claiming to be an expert or anything, but here are some things that helped me.

Firstly, you want to be as quiet as you can while you’re moving around. That means you want soft, flexible shoes. That means you want to make sure you’re not carrying things that can clank or rustle or jangle. If there’s stuff you need that’s metal, you’ll need to wrap it in an old shirt or a rag. That also means cord or leather trousers are an absolute no-no.

JACK HOLDEN: Oh, well, that’s most of Eugene’s wardrobe out.

EUGENE WOODS: Hey! You know you love me in my leathers.

JACK HOLDEN: Easy, tiger!

ZOE CRICK: All right, boys, simmer down. [laughs]

The second thing you want is a pocket full of stones. Just collect them as you’re walking, as you’ll find them when you need them. They’re invaluable when there are zoms in your path that you just can’t avoid. Most places, there’s going to be something you could throw the stones at to make some noise. I’m talking metal, I’m talking glass, I’m talking trees if nothing else presents itself. A couple of decent throws, and you can lead these guys anywhere you want them to go.

And finally, the best thing you can learn is patience. If there’s a group you don’t want to face and can’t distract, wait. Everything moves on eventually. And if you can’t find somewhere safe to wait, look for a different route. The country is huge, and there are many paths to take. If you can find a less dangerous way to get where you’re going, why wouldn’t you take it? Better live cautiously than die heroically, in my book.

And that’s how you get from A to B without needing to get your hands dirty.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Great. Thanks, Zoe. We’ll be back right after this.

Hollow-Me

EUGENE WOODS: Hey Jack?

JACK HOLDEN: Yeah?

EUGENE WOODS: What kind of cheese would I eat if I was a zombie?

JACK HOLDEN: I don’t know, Eugene. What kind of cheese would you eat if you were a zombie?

EUGENE WOODS: Hollow-me.

[PHIL CHEESEMAN groans]

ZOE CRICK: That’s awful!

EUGENE WOODS: Get it? Because “hollow” like dead, and -

JACK HOLDEN: Stop. Just stop.

Dedder

EUGENE WOODS: Hey, Phil?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [sighs] Yes, Eugene?

JACK HOLDEN: Just ignore him, he’ll stop.

EUGENE WOODS: No, no. Phil? Phil? … Phil!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: What, what? Okay, fine, fine. What?

EUGENE WOODS: What kind of cheese does a zombie like best?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [groans] I don’t know, Eugene. What kind of cheese does a zombie like best?

EUGENE WOODS: Dedder.

[PHIL CHEESEMAN sighs]

ZOE CRICK: I’m done. That’s it. I quit. I’m out.

Muenster

EUGENE WOODS: Okay, now listen, guys. I want to apologize for my acorny jokes. I know there’s been an Abondance of them lately, and they haven’t been very Gouda. But from now on, I’ll proceed Caerphilly and guarantee they’ll be all feta. Feta, better? No, no. Okay, I suppose there’s no Brie-sing some people. [laughs] Anyway, ricotta get on with it. Yeah?

ZOE CRICK: Please stop. Make it stop!

EUGENE WOODS: What does a dairy policeman use to subdue you?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Don’t care.

EUGENE WOODS: His Tronchon. How many cheeses does it take to screw in a light bulb? Tommes many. [laughs] Did you hear about the new fast food joint? They only serve cheese. It’s called Jarlsberg-er King.

JACK HOLDEN: All right, all right, all right, that’s enough. I’m out. [door opens] Look, just come and get me when you’re finished.

EUGENE WOODS: No, wait! Wait, wait, I’m sorry! I’m sorry, I’m done! Wow, I didn’t think you guys gave so much of Edam about this stuff! [laughs] Okay? Okay, sorry, Comte back! I’’m done. No, seriously, I promise. No Murol.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: No, no, enough. [door opens and closes]

EUGENE WOODS: Oh. They’ve schloss-ed it. Mozzarella got under their skin? [laughs] I think my career here is finn-ished, to be honest. I’ve exposed myself for the Muenster that I am! [laughs] Okay. That’s it. Really! No, honestly. [opens door] Guys? Guys, I’m done! Oops. I think I've Fontainebleau-ed it.

Cable Connections

EUGENE WOODS: Okay, Phil, you want to do the honors?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, do you mind?

EUGENE WOODS: Be my guest.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Sweet! I’ve always loved this kind of thing.

ZOE CRICK: Surprise, surprise. You going to give us your sermon on community involvement again?

JACK HOLDEN: Hey, I liked that speech. What was it? “We’re the voice of the community, and what is a community without a voice?”

ZOE CRICK: “Without the involvement of its members?”

JACK HOLDEN: Right, right. Oh man, sent shivers up my spine, that did.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, I’m glad you enjoyed it, Jack, but you’re sort of spoiling my intro, here.

JACK HOLDEN: Oh, sorry.

EUGENE WOODS: As you were saying, Phil?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: As I was saying – Cablers! We’ve been delighted to receive an ever-increasing number of recordings, transmissions, and – oh, do we still get phone calls?

EUGENE WOODS: We do, if you count that piece of string with the cans on it that Jody ran from her house to ours while we were still at Abel.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Right. So, an ever-increasing number of recordings, transmissions, and tin can calls have been coming in, so we’re getting back into our old habits, and we’re going to start broadcasting our favorites in a reborn feature we’re now calling, “Cable Connections.”

ZOE CRICK: That’s Phil’s name, as if you couldn’t guess.

JACK HOLDEN: And we’ll be right back with our first set of messages. Don’t go anywhere, guys!

Squished

EUGENE WOODS: Now, we wanted to start off on a lighter note, so our first couple of messages here are from some of our younger listeners.

ZOE CRICK: That’s right, Eugene. We don’t get too many of these, but we always love to hear from the kids out there, and we really hope they enjoy hearing themselves on the radio!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I always wanted to be on the radio when I was little.

JACK HOLDEN: Aww. So, we’re fulfilling a childhood fantasy right now?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, I’m not sure my dream studio was quite so… stuffy.

EUGENE WOODS: Anyway, here we go! First up, we have a message from Chloe.

CHLOE: Hi, I’m Chloe from Abel Township. I just wanted to say thank you for keeping us supplied and safe. You keep safe, too! Bye.

JACK HOLDEN: Aww, thanks so much for your message, Chloe. I’m glad we’re keeping you safe and entertained.

ZOE CRICK: And make sure you give Jack and Eugene a big high five if you ever see them back at Abel again, okay?

EUGENE WOODS: We do give pretty good high fives. And hopefully, we’ll be back there soon.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Our next message is from an anonymous young man who has a story to tell us about zombies on escalators.

CALLER: We were going to the mall, and we were buying some clothes, and then we saw some zombies going up the escalator, um, and looking for us, and I don’t know, but I did see some tripping on the escalators, and they were falling down the whole thing, on the down one, especially. I saw one, they just got into the, well, the bottom of the escalator where the pieces work, and I saw that zombie getting squished! Yeesh, I’m glad I’m not him in these days.

JACK HOLDEN: Oh, I think I’m going to be ill.

EUGENE WOODS: I have to say, listener, you’re much braver than we are. If we were in a mall, and came across a horde of zoms on an escalator, we’d be three states away before you could say “squished.”

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Amen to that, Eugene. You’re obviously one tough cookie. Whoever you’re with now is lucky to have you. You’re sure to keep them safe.

ZOE CRICK: And with that, we’re going to have to take a short break. We’ll be back with more messages from our lovely listeners shortly.

Carlos's Virtues

JACK HOLDEN: All right, listeners. Now, I’m afraid I have some sad news today.

ZOE CRICK: Aww. Don’t tell me – you lost your favorite pair of socks.

EUGENE WOODS: Oh Zoe, that’s sweet.

ZOE CRICK: What?

EUGENE WOODS: That you think he even owns a single pair of matching socks.

JACK HOLDEN: Hey! That, Eugene, is a case in point for what I am about to say.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, Jack, we’re all on tender hooks.

ZOE CRICK: It’s tenterhooks, Phil.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Whatever!

JACK HOLDEN: Anyway, look, I have an announcement. Eugene, I’m replacing you.

EUGENE WOODS: What?

JACK HOLDEN: Well, you’re too mean to me! And all our listeners have noticed, so I’m replacing you.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You’re kidding!

JACK HOLDEN: I’ve already found someone else!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: But you can’t - ! You’re… you’re Jack and Eugene.

JACK HOLDEN: Sorry, Gene. I’ve made my decision.

EUGENE WOODS: I… I understand. I’ll get my things.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: ...Oh.

ZOE CRICK: And there it is.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You’re joking.

ZOE CRICK: The penny drops. 10 points to Hufflepuff.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hufflepuff?! I’m Ravenclaw at least!

ZOE CRICK: In your dreams, Cheeseman. So, Jack, what was your clearly too subtle joke all about, then?

JACK HOLDEN: Well, Zoe, thanks for asking. We’ve had some more messages from our listeners.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, fun!

ZOE CRICK: Oh. Fun.

EUGENE WOODS: And our first listener is gunning for my job, to which I say, do your worst. I won’t go down without a fight, my friend.

JACK HOLDEN: He’s pretty keen, Gene. And he won’t be so terribly mean to me.

EUGENE WOODS: I am a monster.

JACK HOLDEN: Oh, I live in constant fear of the full moon.

EUGENE WOODS: [laughs] All right, all right, let’s just have a listen, shall we?

JACK HOLDEN: Here we go. This is Carlos Contreras, auditioning for Radio Abel.

[epic news music]

CARLOS: Hello, Radio Abel! Carlos Contreras here with my 60 second radio audition reel. Here’s hoping that I get the gig! [fanfare sound effect] As you can probably tell, I’m not from these parts. I was vacationing from across the pond when I got caught in the zombie apocalypse, and I’ve got to tell you, not a single person so far has called me gov'na, or guv, or said “pip pip."

Still, some of the stereotypes have proven to be accurate. I mean, some of the dental work on the people in Abel are pretty nasty. I’ve seen better grills on some of the zombies, if you know what I’m saying. [cartoony biting sound effect] Ouch!

Sorry, sorry. Anyway, as you can see, I bring my own sound effects from America, and everyone knows that the best kind of sound effects and comedy comes from America. [applause sound effect] Yeah, thank you. Thank you!

I don’t just play the classics like uh, "Zombie” from The Cranberries, “The End of the World As We Know It” by R.E.M., or “Canada’s Really Big”. I also do the news and the weather. [Morse code beeps sound effect] Our five day forecast: Monday’s going to be grim, Tuesday is going to be grim, leading into the weekend where there’s a 60% chance of sunshine and a 100% chance of grim.

That’s me in a nutshell! Let me give you a little outro so you can get a taste of what I can do. This is Carlos Contreras on Radio Abel, signing out. Coming up next is Jamie Skeet who will be taking your calls about love and interpersonal relationships. Ciao! [kiss sound effect]

ZOE CRICK: Oh Lord! I used to work with a guy like that. He had the breakfast show before mine. Every morning with the sound effects and the quote unquote “witty banter.” I don’t think I’ve ever wanted to break someone’s mic quite that much. Well, except Phil’s.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hey!

JACK HOLDEN: I love it!

EUGENE WOODS: Of course you do.

JACK HOLDEN: Oh, he’s hilarious!

ZOE CRICK: Are you serious?

JACK HOLDEN: He’s great! That’s what we’re missing in today’s world: proper honest-to-God drive time radio. Fast-talking, quick-witted, no punches pulled hosting. I love it.

EUGENE WOODS: And while Jack continues to extol Carlos’ virtues, here’s a song for everyone out there.

Apologies

EUGENE WOODS: All right, Zoe, you said you had a favorite call you wanted to play for us.

ZOE CRICK: Oh, I do. And it’s a question from a listener that requires Phil’s expertise in particular.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Really? Interesting. I didn’t know you thought I had any expertise at all, Zo. Other than annoying you, that is.

JACK HOLDEN: Oh, don’t forget the stand-up.

ZOE CRICK: Oh yeah, better not forget the stand-up.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Is it anything in particular? Do I need to prepare anything? Is it about gardening?

EUGENE WOODS: Oh, just play the clip, would you? Before he has a heart attack!

ZOE CRICK: All right, here we go.

CALLER: Hi, Radio New Tomorrow! Long time listener, first time caller, and I’ve got a message for Phil. You don’t know me, Phil, but I know you. I feel we’ve really made a connection over the last few months of you being on air, you know? [sighs] I think we belong together.

I live a few hours away, but if we got married, I could move to New Canton, right? I think that’s how immigration works these days. I know you want a traditional wedding, so I could bring my mother’s wedding dress. It’s in the attic. She’s still in the wedding dress, but I’m sure that’s not a problem for you.

I would be a really good wife to you, Phil. I mean, I already know how much you dislike change and how well you play chess. Now, I brew my tea for exactly two minutes and fifteen seconds, but I don’t think that’s a death knell for our relationship! As long as we don’t share a pot, we’ll be able to get through this. Please, Phil, let me be the love of your life! Let me be the cracker to your Cheeseman.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I… um…

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] Oh my God, you should see his face!

JACK HOLDEN: “Cracker to his Cheeseman.” [laughs] That’s nice! I thought she was sweet.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I…

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] He looks like he’s been shot!

EUGENE WOODS: Oh, because you’re such a famously good judge of character, aren’t you, Jack?

JACK HOLDEN: Hey, I picked you, didn’t I?

EUGENE WOODS: My point exactly.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Um…

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] He’s gone bright red! Oh, listeners, I wish you could see this.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [clears throat] Listener, I want to apologize to you. I’m sorry that Zoe used your very...thoughtful message as a way to play a trick on me. That wasn’t fair, and it wasn’t very nice.

I’m also sorry because I’m afraid I don’t have any interest in marrying you. You sound like a very nice person, but I can’t reciprocate your romantic feelings. I hope you understand.

Uh, I also hope that you will give your mother a proper burial, and allow yourself to grieve. This is a difficult time for us all, and we must give ourselves the time and space to heal as much as we can.

ZOE CRICK: Phil, I…  

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I think it’s time for a song, now. Eugene?

EUGENE WOODS: Uh, yeah, of course. Listener, this one’s for you. Have a cup of tea on us.

Z-Bay

JACK HOLDEN: And now it’s time for one of my favorite segments.

EUGENE WOODS: Mainly because you love the name.

JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, true. It’s mostly because I love the name. It’s time for – drum roll, please.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, uh… buddabuddabuddabudda… [imitates cymbal crash]

JACK HOLDEN: … yeah, thanks, Phil. Uh, it’s time for Z-Bay!

ZOE CRICK: In case you’ve forgotten, that’s our not-quite-regular feature where we play your adverts, exposing your unrealistic expectations and desires to the world at large.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: That’s a pretty cynical point of view, Zo.

ZOE CRICK: I’m sorry, have we met?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, hardy har har.

EUGENE WOODS: Zoe’s pessimism aside, we love this feature because it’s all about making our lives a little bit better – a home comfort here, a vital service there – it all helps. So pay attention to the following messages, and be sure to get in touch if you think you can help anyone out.

JACK HOLDEN: First up, here’s Holly, who’s looking for some new glasses.

HOLLY: Hi. Would anyone happen to have an extra pair of glasses? -1.75 for the right, and -2.5 for the left. I know this is a long shot, but I’ll even take half a pair if half the prescription matches. I have a few kid’s books and an extra radio to trade. Ask for Holly at the Phoenix Comics settlement.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Now, before we take a short break, here’s another message from Holly, on behalf of Main Stewart’s Mending and Sewing House.

HOLLY: Did you rip your shirt on a branch during your last jog? Does your outfit make you look like a zombie? Need a plush zom for your kid, or a flag to wave to show your pride of surviving the apocalypse? Come to Main Stewart’s Mending and Sewing House, located just a few short miles north of New Canton. Trades for food, water, and clean, unbloodstained fabric accepted.

Vegemite

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Next up, we’ve got Lizzie, who’s looking for some vegemite, for some reason.

ZOE CRICK: Not a fan, Phil?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Absolutely not, it’s horrid stuff.

ZOE CRICK: Well, Lizzie would disagree, I’m sure. Let’s take a listen.

LIZZIE: Hi, it’s Lizzie. Can you please broadcast this? If anyone – anyone! - comes across vegemite on their travels, I will be eternally grateful. I might never make it back to Australia, but maybe I can still have the taste that reminds me of home. So please get in touch. And before you mention it, marmite is not the same thing.

EUGENE WOODS: Thank you, Lizzie! I really hope someone can hook you up.

JACK HOLDEN: Now, here’s a job tip for any of you runners out there who aren’t already being worked to death by our benevolent overlords.

CALLER: Hey, Jack and Eugene. I just wanted to leave a job tip for your listeners. There’s another team of runners about 20 miles away that is looking for new runners for a job. They want to look into every house and pick up photo albums, yearbooks, or any photographic evidence of the time before the outbreak. They plan on creating a memorial filled with all of the pictures. I think it’s brilliant, and I do hope there are runners available to make the 20 mile trek to help out. They will really appreciate it. Take care, and stay safe!

EUGENE WOODS: This is a great one, so if you want to help preserve our history and you’ve still got some soles on your shoes, you’ve got your orders. We’ll be back after this.

Safe Homes

JACK HOLDEN: All right, guys, our next Z-Bay message is from Kirsty, who’s looking for people with big hearts and safe homes.

KIRSTY: Hello, Radio Cabel. My name’s Kirsty. I’m calling on behalf of some feline friends of mine: Oscar, Mabel, Peony, and Nibbles. They’re all littermates who I rescued after their mother was tragically eaten. We had some teething troubles at first – with Nibbles in particular finding eating difficult until he got used to his new home – but we’re all healthy and happy now, and looking for forever homes!

So, Radio Cabel, I hope you can help us all find a new place to live and be happy with some loving and caring people. We’re good play friends, loyal and loving, and really really fuzzy! Thank you in advance for your help.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Wow. That lady sounds -

ZOE CRICK: Do we have her address?

EUGENE WOODS: Uh, she sent in some contact information as well, yeah.

ZOE CRICK: Listeners, ignore Kirsty’s message. Those kittens are already going to a loving home.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh God. No, you can’t -

ZOE CRICK: Those kittens are already going to a loving home, Phil.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: But -

ZOE CRICK: Thanks for your message, Kirsty. We’ll be in touch.

Crutches

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Okay, everyone, we’re back with our last couple of Zed-Bay adverts. First up, here’s Melissa, who wants to put pedal to the metal to help you out.

MELISSA: I want to let your listeners know that if they need anything delivered or picked up in a 30 kilometer area – or even further if there’s still a decent road there – to contact Melissa at Abel Township.

We rely on our runners so much, but there are some times when they are busy with important runs, or we need something that’s too far away, or maybe you just don’t want to take them away from their important duties for something that’s personal.

And that’s when I can help. In trade, I’m looking for bike parts and tools. Chains and tires in particular, but anything at all would help. Thank you.

EUGENE WOODS: You know what, I might send Melissa out myself.

JACK HOLDEN: Oh yeah? What for?

EUGENE WOODS: Oh, I don’t know… knick knacks? Peanut butter? Shreddies? Maybe a new pair of crutches!

JACK HOLDEN: What’s wrong with the crutches you have?

EUGENE WOODS: They’re broken!

JACK HOLDEN: Hey, I prefer the term “unique fixer-upper opportunity.”

EUGENE WOODS: Uh, it’s more like "unique falling-on-your-ass" opportunity.

JACK HOLDEN: All right, then. Uh, Melissa, expect a call soon. Uh, what’s next, Phil?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, here’s Avery and Kate looking for help on an ongoing project of theirs.

AVERY: Hi, guys. My name is Avery, and my girlfriend and I are huge fans of the show. We think you guys are doing really valuable work – you know, getting information out there to people – and it’s been a big reason why we’re doing what we’re doing. So we were kind of hoping that you would be able to help us out here.

Basically, we’ve been working on a documentary. We’ve been travelling around for the past year or so, collecting peoples’ stories about what their lives have been like post-outbreak. You know, it’s really important that we document this stuff. Unfortunately, we’re just about out of space for footage. We are down to our last USB stick, so if anybody out there has uh, access to SD cards or hard drives they’d be willing to trade for uh, basic medical supplies, we would be really grateful.

Um, we used to have a good thing going with the Skoobs settlement, but you know, for obvious reasons that’s not really viable for us anymore, so yeah. Please get in touch. Uh, Katie, you want to say anything?

KATIE: [whispers] Uh, no. [laughs]

AVERY: No? [laughs] Okay. All right, thanks, guys.

KATIE: Thanks!

JACK HOLDEN: Thanks for all your messages, listeners. Zee-Bay, Phil, would not survive without your contributions, so don’t forget to get in touch if you think you can help any of these guys out.

EUGENE WOODS: That last message is also relevant to a little project Zoe and I have been working on recently. Zoe, you want to explain?

ZOE CRICK: Sure thing, Eugene, but how about a song beforehand?

EUGENE WOODS: Sounds good to me.

ZOE CRICK: Okay, here we go. This one goes out to all our Zee-Bay contributors.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [muttering] "Zee"-Bay...

Survival Stories

ZOE CRICK: And we’re back. So, as we were saying before the break, Eugene and I have been working on a little project recently. Lots of the messages we get from our listeners include their own stories of surviving the outbreak, and what they did in the days since.

A lot of these are very personal and often very touching, so we didn’t want to belittle these experiences by prattling on about them. Instead, we wanted to play you all a collection of these stories, to give them the respect they deserve.

EUGENE WOODS: Exactly. We know how hard it is to talk about experiences like these, but we also know how important it is to do so. So here we go: your stories of the outbreak.

CALLER: How did I survive? Well, I’m a family practice physician, and my patient, Mister Smith, started to change while I was getting ready to go into the room to see him. It’s like nothing I’d ever seen before. I yelled for my nurse. That was a bad idea. I was able to get myself out of the way, but he attacked her. The next thing I know – something different – he started to change faster, and so did she. We later found out he was patient zero here in the Portland/Vancouver area.

Well, I cornered them into the exam room as best I could. The only thing I had available was one of the electronic automatic defibrillators. It wasn’t the best idea, because when it went off, I ended up with two zombies that were partially on fire. The only thing I had left was the ax that was near the fire extinguisher. I was able to finish them off, and that’s the only way I survived.

SCOTT: Hey, guy! My name’s Scott. Long time listener, first time caller. [laughs] I’ve always wanted to say that. Before the zoms, I was actually a radio DJ myself! Strange to be on this side of things. You’re doing great, by the way. Keep up the great work.

Um, but… memories. One of the things I always enjoyed doing before the outbreak was to sit out under the fall evening sky with my wife, and I’d play her songs on my guitar. And those were always such peaceful moments. That’s actually what my wife and I were doing when we got the word of the outbreak. A neighbor screamed the details from his yard as he was packing his family into the car, and they ended up speeding away.

I can’t remember his name, and we’d been neighbors for three years. I take time to learn names now, though. Might sound funny, but somehow it seems more important. Anyhow, uh, even with the heads up from my neighbor – man, I wish I could remember his name – we just didn’t move fast enough. It’s amazing how quickly things can shift from calm and peaceful to just utter chaos! I still play guitar from time to time, it’s just a little harder to do without her.

CALLER: During my second year of college, uh, there was this one storm in April that knocked down a bunch of trees on campus, and we lost power for two whole days. So my friends and I spent the next two days making blanket forts and raiding my supply of glow sticks, and joking about what we would do if the apocalypse had actually happened.

Then it did, and I’m halfway across the world studying abroad while they’re back in America. But mostly I just… I really want to know if they carried out our zombie escape plan, and if they actually are on some remote island in the Bahamas, making blanket forts again.

JACK HOLDEN: We’ll be back with more of your stories after this.

Hot Chocolate

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Now it’s time for more of your stories.

FIRST CALLER: I am – well, I was – an astronaut in training for NASA. My four crewmates and I were doing a six week mission in NEEMO, an underwater laboratory off the coast of Florida. We had been at 60 feet deep for about three weeks, simulating a trip to Mars. We were allowed to check in with our teammates on the surface – whom we referred to as Mission Control – for just a few minutes once each day.

On day 22, we made our daily check-in and were told several people had just come down with some sort of virus. We assumed it was a particularly nasty flu, maybe even food poisoning. On day 23 we got a very brief transmission that mentioned… well, zombies. But we thought Mission Control was just playing a joke on us, although honestly, we didn’t find it very funny. That was the last time we ever heard from Mission Control.

We waited three more days and then decided to abort the mission. It took us six hours to go through the decompression protocols, make it to the surface, and take our emergency boat back to shore. We never found a single living human.

SECOND CALLER: Hey. Thanks so much for all you do. It keeps my spirits up, even though some days, when I miss my dad and my dog, I feel bad just being here. Anyways, I thought that if I pass on something that lifts my heart, it might make me feel like I’m giving back.

On those dark days – or nights, really – I got outside and look up at the stars. The fact that we can not only see the brightest constellations like Orion or Ursa Minor, but without the light pollution, we can also see the glorious sweep of the Milky Way again. Teeny tiny stars that must be millions of light years away, shining down on us from so long ago.

I don’t know… I guess feeling small makes me feel better. Weird, huh? Anyway, I better get back to digging for worms. We’re going on a fishing trip today, and I can’t wait to taste some fresh fish. Thanks!

THIRD CALLER: I missed hot chocolate. A lot. It kept running through my head as I ran from zombies, shot zombies, hid from zombies. I just couldn’t stop thinking about it! So I snuck into town and raided a high-end chocolatier. Pulled a sack of vacuum-sealed powder out of the back.

Then I needed milk. Whole milk, the thick and creamy stuff. Did you know that milk cows go feral if you leave them alone long enough? Yeah. Did you know that feral milk cows make enough noise to attract zoms if you try to milk them? That was a fun surprise.

So, [coughs] now I’m sitting here in the rundown remains of a hastily-barricaded dairy farmhouse, heating this [coughs] milk very carefully so it doesn’t scald, while the bite in my leg festers. I’m going to drink the best hot chocolate in the entire world, and then I’m going to use my last bullet. And it was totally worth it.

ZOE CRICK: I really hope that was one incredible hot chocolate.

JACK HOLDEN: I’m sure it was.

EUGENE WOODS: I just wanted to take a moment on behalf of all of us to thank everyone out there for sharing their stories. Our hearts go out to you all. Stay safe, everyone.

Transatlantic Transmissions

JACK HOLDEN: Now, our next set of messages are… pretty interesting.

EUGENE WOODS: I love them.

JACK HOLDEN: Well, you do have a well-documented love of crackpots and weirdos.

EUGENE WOODS: Still with you, aren’t I?

JACK HOLDEN: … walked right into that one, didn’t I?

EUGENE WOODS: Could not have made it any easier.

JACK HOLDEN: Well, you know what they say -

ZOE CRICK: Do you think you could leave the flirting for the music break, boys? It’s lovely and all, but -

EUGENE WOODS: Oh! Sorry. Guess we get a little -

JACK HOLDEN: - carried away. [laughs]

EUGENE WOODS: [laughs] - carried away sometimes. Anyway, the sounds you’re about to hear are transmissions we picked up from across the pond. Ever since Janine upgraded the receivers around here, we’ve been catching bits and pieces of other stations out in the States, and we thought we’d bring you some of our favorites.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: They’re your favorites. You left out the best one.

ZOE CRICK: Someone reading old phone books on the air hardly counts as entertainment, Phil.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Aw, it was soothing! She had such a calming voice. It was like listening to the shipping forecast.

ZOE CRICK: You really are a man of singular taste, aren’t you?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, you know what they say -

JACK HOLDEN: Oi!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: What?

JACK HOLDEN: Pot, kettle. Flirting.

PHIL CHEESEMAN and ZOE CRICK: We are not flirting!!

JACK HOLDEN: [snorts] We know, we know. Just colleagues. But the point stands. Now, let’s get on with it, shall we?

EUGENE WOODS: Yeah, we’re running on now. Let’s do a song first.

JACK HOLDEN: You’re the boss. And we’ll be right back with our transatlantic transmissions.

Brawn of the Dead

JACK HOLDEN: Okay, here we go. Now this first transmission is certainly something special.

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] That’s one way of putting it.

EUGENE WOODS: Here he is – Nick Trapezius, with Brawn of the Dead!

[epic rock music]

NICK: What up, swole-diers? This is Nick Trapezius, back with another Brawn of the Dead. Somebody asked me the other day, “Nick, why are you still hitting the gym and getting so huge? Doesn’t the zombie plague mean we’ve got to be lean and mean?” No, ma, it does not. Running all day is fine if all you want to do is run away. But if you want the bad guys running from you, then size matters!

I know. “But Nick, zombies don’t fear muscles.” Doesn’t matter, ma, 'cause muscles don’t fear zombies. You don’t need a shotgun when you’ve got these guns. Sweet bicep flex. [rock music] 'Til next time, bros, this is Nick Trapezius saying keep picking things up and putting things down.

EUGENE WOODS: [imitates NICK] Ooh yeah! [ZOE CRICK laughs] You don’t need a shotgun if you’ve got these guns.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Sound, sound advice.

JACK HOLDEN: [imitates NICK] Sweet bicep flex.

[ZOE CRICK and EUGENE WOODS laugh]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: We all heard the clip, guys.

EUGENE WOODS: [imitates NICK] Keep picking things up and putting things down.

[JACK HOLDEN and ZOE CRICK laugh]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: All right! Enough! Could you please play a song, Zoe?

ZOE CRICK: [imitates NICK] What’s the matter, Phil? Did you never dream of being a swole-dier?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Not really, no. Music!

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] All right, all right, party pooper.

Jesus

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Okay, we’re back! And even though it’s not my favorite, here is a transmission that I did enjoy. We’ve got Father Neil here with some lovely biblical discussion.

[soothing music]

FATHER NEIL: Welcome to another episode of “Revelations.” I’m Father Neil.

Thomas writes, “Father Neil, wasn’t Jesus a zombie, since he rose from the dead?” Well, Thomas, I can’t find a single instance in the Gospels of Jesus biting anyone, before or after the Resurrection. And while Christ did bear the marks of his crucifixion (John, chapter 20,) there is no mention that his flesh was rotting off his bones, which is, I think, something the apostles would have noticed.

So to answer your question, Thomas: no. Not everyone who rises from the dead is a zombie, just like not everyone who swims is a fish. [soothing music] Until next time, this is Father Neil, reminding you to praise the Lord, and pass the ammunition.

ZOE CRICK: Not exactly the most holy of discussions, is it?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: What do you mean?

ZOE CRICK: “Was Jesus a zombie?” It’s hardly the stuff of great scripture.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, in case you hadn’t noticed, Zoe, we’re a bit short on bishops and pastors right now, and I’d rather have this sort of discussion than some meathead talking about his “guns.”

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] Am I detecting some jealousy here?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: What? Why do you think I’d be jealous?

ZOE CRICK: Well, it’s not like you have an arsenal of your own, is it?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: How - ? I don’t know - ! Oh, stick it up your arsenal. Play a song, would you?

ZOE CRICK: Ooh, touchy!

Oh, Woe.

EUGENE WOODS: All right, we’ve had Phil’s favorite -

PHIL CHEESEMAN: My second favorite.

EUGENE WOODS: - Phil’s second favorite, so now it’s time for mine.

JACK HOLDEN: Oh. Oh, it’s so creepy.

EUGENE WOODS: Well, you know what I like.

JACK HOLDEN: … I do. I do.

EUGENE WOODS: So here’s Eric Luke, all the way from Hollywood.

[static]

ERIC: Hello? Hello? Is this transmission being received? Will I ever know? My name is Eric Luke. I am camped in the hills above what used to be Hollywood. I look out over the endless necropolis of the film industry, now crowded with zoms that careen through the streets with the same howling hunger for human flesh that propelled them through their careers.

I found a high-powered rifle scope the other day and was finally able to peer into the top floors of all the studio towers that I used to haunt, making pitch after pitch. I’ll be damned if in every palatial penthouse office, there wasn’t a rotting corpse sitting at every massive desk, staring into space. Some things never change.

Hard to believe, but with the city shut down, the desert is reclaiming its own. And it gets cold up here at night. To keep warm, I’m burning the Hollywood sign one bit at a time. First, it became Holywood. Then, Holywod. Then, Holywo. Then Howo, then Owo, then just O. Or zero. You tell me.

This is Eric Luke, signing off. Oh, and if you’ve got a second, I’ve written an audiobook called Interference. See, it’s about an audiobook that starts killing people when they listen to it. And you’re listening to it, see? And there’s this guy, and he’s – [drowned out by static]

JACK HOLDEN: Well, at least he’s not as bad as Father Michael.

EUGENE WOODS: I still don’t know why you hate that guy so much.

JACK HOLDEN: Uh, because he’s about a 10,000 on the creepy scale? He’s an evangelical preacher, and a conspiracy theorist. That’s like sharks with lasers.

EUGENE WOODS: Yeah! Perfect! I wonder what happened to him.

JACK HOLDEN: Probably wandering around the wilderness somewhere, trapping people in pits or something.

ZOE CRICK: You know we have no idea what you’re talking about, right?

JACK HOLDEN: Oh, it’s um, it’s just this old thing that Eugene thought was great, but actually it was really disturbing.

ZOE CRICK: Fair enough. Do we have any more recordings to play?

EUGENE WOODS: We do, actually. One more, and it’s just for you two.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: This isn’t another trick, is it?

EUGENE WOODS: No, no! Wouldn’t dream of it! Don’t worry! Let’s have a song, and then we’ll get back to our last transmission.

ZOE CRICK: Sounds good. Here’s one for you, Eric.

Apologies

PHIL CHEESEMAN: All right, Eugene, what do you have for us? I’m all nerves over here.

EUGENE WOODS: This is something that came in the other night. Jack, ready?

JACK HOLDEN: Yup! Here we go.

CALLER: So the camp I’m at is letting us send out messages, try to find family if we can. I don’t have anyone left, and I promised myself I’d do this if I ever could, so… before all this, I had a crazy overactive conscience. Like, “couldn’t even be mean in video games” level of guilt. Not really surprised it never went away, even given the circumstances.

Jack, Eugene, you guys were a bit of bright in this darkness. And Phil and Zoe, when you took over, I judged you guys unfairly, and since then, it’s been eating me up that I did that. Solo shows, all together – you guys are helping people feel safe and happy, and that’s huge. So I’m sorry, even if it doesn’t mean anything to you guys. Guilty conscience, promised myself, all that. So there it is. Thanks for everything. All of you.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh…

ZOE CRICK: What a nice message.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You didn’t… like us?

ZOE CRICK: Not the point, Phil.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: But-but we were trying so hard!

ZOE CRICK: They like us now! That was the whole point of the message.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, but… I thought we were doing a good job.

ZOE CRICK: We are doing a good job.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, but - !

ZOE CRICK: Listener, thank you for your message. It was very sweet of you to let us know, and we’re glad we brought you around.

JACK HOLDEN: Amen. Listeners, uh, well, it’s been great to hear all your messages, and we want to thank you all for sending them in.

EUGENE WOODS: We really couldn’t do what we do without you guys, and we hope we’ve brought a little light into your lives, wherever you are.

ZOE CRICK: But that’s all we have time for right now, so until next time: stay safe out there, everyone.

ALL: Stay safe out there!

Rest In Peace

[paper rustles]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [clears throat] The names for tonight: Olivia Bore, Joseph Cates, Hailey Corlitt, Fay Corney, John Crips, Christina Decker, Peter Grier, Odelle Kennan, Duncan Knox, Alexander Lassiter, Sonja Liggens, Jared Little, Anita Little, Bertram Lund, Finn McDonald, Danielle Onstadt, Dale Platt, Marguerite Robicheau, Gillian Scoville, Lucien Siba, Omar Sip, Louise Stockhard, Marty Stockhard, Katherine Williamson, Sigrid Witter. May they all find peace. We return shortly.

Can't Sleep

PHIL CHEESEMAN: And now, a moment of silence in which to remember all of those we’ve lost. Let us give special thought to those out there who knew today’s interred.

[silence]

[door opens]

EUGENE WOODS: Oh, hi, Phil! I, uh… sorry, uh…

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Shh.

[silence]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [whispers] In nomine Patris et Filii et Spiritus Sancti, amen. [out loud] Sorry, Eugene. Can’t sleep? Want to sit down.

EUGENE WOODS: Y-Yeah. Thanks.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: No problem. We’re about to go for a break anyway. Listeners, we’ll return shortly.

Grandma

EUGENE WOODS: So you do this every night?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Unless I’m ill or there’s an emergency or something, yeah.

EUGENE WOODS: And the names?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh, the cleanup crew make sure to check for I.D.s or anything before the burial. I asked them to start keeping a list.

EUGENE WOODS: That’s… that’s very kind, Phil. Why do you do it on your own?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I don’t know. It felt right, I suppose, and I wasn’t really sure Zoe would understand.

EUGENE WOODS: I don’t know. She puts up a tough front, but -

PHIL CHEESEMAN: - she’s a softie, really. Yeah, yeah, I know. Still, felt like something I should do on my own. [laughs] Uh, my granny used to tell me how she waited for my granddad to come home. All those weeks waiting, not knowing if it would be him knocking at the door or if it would be a letter from the Army. She said not knowing was the worst thing.

When I started doing the radio, I thought, you know, if only there’d been a man on the radio for my gran. We can’t send letters anymore, but I thought for the people we know are gone, we can do this. Because knowing is better than not.

EUGENE WOODS: I… yeah. Yeah, I suppose it is.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Would you like a cup of tea?

EUGENE WOODS: That’d be nice, thanks.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: No problem. Here’s a song while they brew up.

Tea

[PHIL CHEESEMAN snores]

EUGENE WOODS: [slurps tea, sighs] Hm. Oh. Oops. [laughs]

Alarmingly Heavy Breathing

[PHIL CHEESEMAN snores]

EUGENE WOODS: [sighs] Good morning, guys. Afraid it’s just me right now. Phil’s asleep, and uh, well, I’m not sure where everyone else is. [clears throat] It’s nice to have some peace, to be honest.

One of the things about the apocalypse – one of the things you don’t think about before it happens – is how hard it is to get your own space. You’re living in each other’s pockets, sharing a bathroom with dozens of other people. You can’t go off anywhere in case you get, you know, eaten. [laughs]

But I guess you have to take pleasure in the small things, sometimes. So I’m going to sit here with the sun coming up, trying to ignore Phil’s alarmingly heavy breathing, and enjoy this cup of tea.

Consummate Professional

[PHIL CHEESEMAN snores]

ZOE CRICK: [indistinct conversation from outside of the room] It took me a while to get used to it, as well, but you’ll soon learn the layout. I once got lost trying to find a bathroom, somehow ended up on the other side of the castle, [laughs] locked in a pantry! [JACK HOLDEN laughs] Oh, here we are.

[door opens]

JACK HOLDEN: Ah, home away from home sweet home. Aw, hey, Gene! I was wondering where you’d got to.

EUGENE WOODS: Shh! [whispers] Phil’s sleeping!

JACK HOLDEN: Oh! Oh. [laughs]

ZOE CRICK: Oh God. Again? The amount of times I find him sleeping up here, you’d swear he didn’t have a bed to go to.

JACK HOLDEN: Shove up a bit.

EUGENE WOODS: All right, all right.

ZOE CRICK: [quietly] Phil. Phil! Wakey-wakey! [out loud] Oh, for God’s sake. Phil!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [jolts awake] Good - good rise, ci-ti-zens! It’s time for morning and shine here on Radio Cabel!

[others laugh]

ZOE CRICK: You’re a true pro, Phil. Come on. Let’s give you some time to wake up, eh? Listeners, your normal programming will resume shortly.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [mutters] Tea.

Bushy Tailed

ZOE CRICK: All right, and we’re back! How are you feeling, Phil?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [yawns] Oh, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. Thanks, Zoe. You’re not normally up this early.

ZOE CRICK: No. I promised to show Jack the ropes in the breakfast line.

EUGENE WOODS: Ah, getting the grand tour without me, eh, Jacky boy?

JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, well, we couldn’t find you. Sorry.

EUGENE WOODS: Hey, no problem. I was enjoying a nice cup of tea with Sleeping Beauty here. Any insider tips for the New Canton resident?

JACK HOLDEN: Ah, well, you know how in Abel, you have to get lottery tickets for laundry and showers and stuff?

EUGENE WOODS: I remember the smell in the shower.

JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, well here, it’s all divided by where you live, and you get to do laundry and showering and stuff according to that.

EUGENE WOODS: Okay, I see how that could work. When’s our next day?

JACK HOLDEN: Uh, well, we’re in Unit 15, so um… Zoe?

ZOE CRICK: A week on Thursday.

JACK HOLDEN: Oh.

EUGENE WOODS: Great.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, don’t worry, Eugene. I’ve been keeping something to one side for this very occasion.

ZOE CRICK: Clean socks?

EUGENE WOODS: Deodorant.

JACK HOLDEN: Febreze? … what? It’s an effective solution to certain hygiene issues.

EUGENE WOODS: No comment.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: But no, it’s none of those. What I do have is this tub of Vick's VapoRub.

JACK HOLDEN: Phil! I did not take you for a raver, you sneaky beast.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: ...What?

JACK HOLDEN: Oh. Uh, nothing.

EUGENE WOODS: I’m not sure I see how this is going to be useful.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, Eugene, I’m glad you asked. You see, all you need to do is take a little bit of the stuff and rub it just under your nose.

EUGENE WOODS: … okay…

PHIL CHEESEMAN: See? Now you can’t smell anything. [sniffs]

EUGENE WOODS: Oh God. My eyes are watering. Oh God, this is strong stuff, Phil. Ow, ow, wow, wow. This is powerful.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, um… sorry. You might want to wipe that off, then. But trust me, once it gets muggy in those bedrooms, you’ll be glad of a bit of menthol.

EUGENE WOODS: I’ll take your word for it. Okay, listeners, we’re going to send you off for a song while I get this stuff off my lip.

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] Back soon, guys.

One Truth

EUGENE WOOD: So, I tell a story -

JACK HOLDEN: No no no, you tell two stories, one true, and one false.

ZOE CRICK: And then we all guess which is which.

JACK HOLDEN: Right, right. And if you get it wrong -

PHIL CHEESEMAN: We drink some cider.

EUGENE WOODS: And why can’t we just drink cider anyways?

JACK HOLDEN: Because this is more fun, Eugene. Come on!

EUGENE WOODS: Fine, fine. Okay, who goes first, then?

JACK HOLDEN: Phil.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: No. Uh, I mean, uh, why don’t you go first and show us how it’s done?

JACK HOLDEN: [sighs] Fine! Okay. So, um… [whispers] sorry, I need to think of a story. Uh, story… Uh, okay, story. Here we go. [clears throat] So, I have been arrested -

ZOE CRICK: Truth.

JACK HOLDEN: Ha ha ha. No, no, I’ve been arrested. Was it either for a) being naked in the town hall, or b) stealing a bottle of wine from an off-license?

ZOE CRICK: Hmm. Okay, let’s figure it out. You probably would have got off with a caution for public indecency, but not for stealing.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You seem to know a lot about this, Zoe.

ZOE CRICK: You haven’t heard my stories yet, Phil.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: All right, all right. So it’s probably A, right? Jack’s never been to prison, have you, Jack?

EUGENE WOODS: It’s B.

ZOE CRICK: You sure?

JACK HOLDEN: No no no, don’t listen to him!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Ah, you’ve let it slip. Eugene’s sure to know all this stuff. It’s B. I choose B!

ZOE CRICK: Okay, B.

JACK HOLDEN: Nope! It was A.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: What?

JACK HOLDEN: Everyone drink!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: That’s a gyp. Eugene was so certain.

EUGENE WOODS: Oh no, I knew it was A. I just wanted to drink some cider.

JACK HOLDEN: Speaking of which, drink up, everyone. Forfeits for stalling in my game.

X-Rays

JACK HOLDEN: Okay, Zoe’s turn.

ZOE CRICK: Oh God. Okay, okay, um… okay, so. Story one: I have broken so many bones that my local hospital has enough X-rays to make up a complete X-ray version of me. Story two: I have never been admitted to hospital.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh, definitely one. Zoe is super super clumsy.

EUGENE WOODS: I don’t know, that’s a lot of broken bones. But then, it’s also hard to believe that you’ve never been to hospital.

JACK HOLDEN: Well, my uncle was like 70 and he’s always said he’d never been admitted to hospital.

EUGENE WOODS: Your uncle is also an inveterate liar, Jack.

JACK HOLDEN: Oh… oh yeah, yeah. Um… whatever. Story one is true. That’s my guess.

EUGENE WOODS: You’re so wrong. Story two.

ZOE CRICK: Phil? What’s your poison?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh God, I don’t know. [sighs] On one hand, my first thought was story one, but then maybe it’s two, and… okay, yup. Two, two, two. It’s two.

ZOE CRICK: Wrong! I was a very clumsy child.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Damn! This game is going to kill my liver.

[ZOE CRICK laughs]

JACK HOLDEN: Hey, you’re the one that made the cider, buddy.

ZOE CRICK: Exactly. It’s your own fault, Phil, for giving us such encouragement. Now get drinking.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Worst Game

PHIL CHEESEMAN: All right. Seems I can’t seem to pick the right thing, and I don’t want to die from booze, I think it’s my turn to tell some, um… uh, to… stories.

EUGENE WOODS: Yep, yep.

JACK HOLDEN: The floor is yours, Philip.

ZOE CRICK: Oh, I like that!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Right, right, right. Okay, okay. Uh, story one: I am the reigning world champion at the game Donkey Kong… Junior. Story two: when I was a baby, I was the face of a popular brand of toilet tissue.

ZOE CRICK: Two.

JACK HOLDEN: Yup.

EUGENE WOODS: Has to be.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Wait, don’t you want to have a chat, or…

ZOE CRICK: Nope. Definitely two.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Bugger. Fine, yeah.

EUGENE WOODS: What can we say, Phil? It’s just clear you were a very, very cute baby.

JACK HOLDEN: Hey, hey, wait, wait, now you have to drink, because we all got it right, and we’re the best, and you suck!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Seriously?

ZOE CRICK: Yeah. It’s the rules.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: This game is the worst.

Live Out There

ZOE CRICK: I’m really not sure.

JACK HOLDEN: Oh, come on, Zoe! It’ll be fun!

ZOE CRICK: It’s not exactly my idea of a relaxing getaway.

JACK HOLDEN: Well sure, we’ll be working, sort of, but still -

EUGENE WOODS: It’ll be nice to get out, have an adventure, meet some new people, see some new places -

ZOE CRICK: Like the inside of a zom’s stomach?

EUGENE WOODS: We’ll have protection.

ZOE CRICK: Forgive me if I don’t have much faith in the Ministry’s goons. They can’t even land a bloody helicopter properly.

EUGENE WOODS: Hey, to be fair, I think that was a mechanical failure.

JACK HOLDEN: Smoke monster.

EUGENE WOODS: Mechanical smoke monster failure, right.

ZOE CRICK: Still. How do we know they’ll keep us safe?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: We don’t.

ZOE CRICK: Exactly.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: No, I mean, we don’t know it for sure, but listen. We can stay here for the rest of our lives, staring out at the world, straining to hear whatever scraps of news come our way until we starve, or die of old age, or zoms break through the walls, or whatever.

Or we can take the Ministry up on their kind offer, roll out the gates in that van, tour the country raising morale, find out how people are living out there, and spread the good word. We can survive stuck in here, or we can go out and live out there.

JACK HOLDEN: I think I’m going to cry.

EUGENE WOODS: That was a very rousing speech, Phil.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Thanks, Gene.

ZOE CRICK: Oh, bloody hell.

JACK HOLDEN: Are you in? You’re in, aren’t you? Yes! She’s in! [laughs] [sings] “We’re all going on a zombie holiday. No more sitting in this stupid room.”

ZOE CRICK: I already regret this decision. [laughs]

Cool Cool Cool

EUGENE WOODS: So, it’s decided, then.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yup.

EUGENE WOODS: We’re going for it.

JACK HOLDEN: We are actually bloody going for it!

ZOE CRICK: I guess we are. Yeah. Yeah, let’s do it.

EUGENE WOODS: It’s decided, then!

ZOE CRICK: It’s decided.

EUGENE WOODS: Cool!

JACK HOLDEN: Cool, cool, cool!

Viva La Revolucion

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Torch.

ZOE CRICK: Check.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Spare batteries for torch.

ZOE CRICK: Uh, you’re kidding, right? Spares?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [laughs] I know. Nice one, Mister “CDC Emergency Preparedness Plan.” What are we, made of batteries?

ZOE CRICK: “Pleased to meet you, dear chap. Mister Pennyfeather Cornelius Rockefeller at your service. Here, have some batteries. No, no, I insist. They’re spares.” [sighs] That was a bit of a long walk, wasn’t it?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah. Just a bit. Anyway, the torch is one of those windup doofers.

ZOE CRICK: All right, what’s next?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Thermal blankets.

ZOE CRICK: Pair of old rugs, check.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Tinned food?

ZOE CRICK: Hunting knife and trapping cord, check.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Bottled water.

ZOE CRICK: Having lived like this for bloody ages and knowing how to clean your own water, check.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Okay. Last one: “Though we do not condone violence in any situation, it would be wise to have something with which to defend yourself.”

[weapons clatter]

ZOE CRICK: Check.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: My God, Zoe, that’s… that’s a lot of weapons. Is that a machete?

ZOE CRICK: Runner Sixty-Two owed me some favors.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I thought you were the non-violent type.

ZOE CRICK: Well, you know what they say: better to have it and not need it than need it and not have it.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, yes, but this looks like you’re planning an armed coup in a Central American state.

ZOE CRICK: Viva la revolución!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Quite. Ooh, can I take the ax?

ZOE CRICK: But that’s my favorite!

A Hug

EUGENE WOODS: [clears throat] All righty, what’s on the list?

[paper rustles]

JACK HOLDEN: Spare jumpers.

EUGENE WOODS: Check.

JACK HOLDEN: Bobblehead dog from that insurance advert.

EUGENE WOODS: Check.

JACK HOLDEN: Flappy hat.

EUGENE WOODS: Check.

JACK HOLDEN: Sword.

EUGENE WOODS: Check.

JACK HOLDEN: Sir Geoffrey the cricket bat.

EUGENE WOODS: Check.

JACK HOLDEN: Swanny the cricket ball.

EUGENE WOODS: Check.

JACK HOLDEN: No Pun Intended.

EUGENE WOODS: Oh God, not that, please.

JACK HOLDEN: Oh, come on! Look, you know it’s dear to my heart. I had to trade my flick knife for this. You remember, with that girl in that hotel.

EUGENE WOODS: I remember Ashley, Jack, but that doesn’t mean I like the jokes.

JACK HOLDEN: Look, I’m still packing it.

EUGENE WOODS: Fine, whatever. What’s next?

JACK HOLDEN: ...A hug?

EUGENE WOODS: You are such a softy! Aw, come here.

[JACK HOLDEN and EUGENE WOODS hug]

Music

EUGENE WOODS: So it’s north to start with?

ZOE CRICK: Yup. Until we hit this settlement here.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: They’re going to take us in?

ZOE CRICK: Mm, the Ministry says they’ve agreed to resupply us and let us shelter there for a couple of nights.

JACK HOLDEN: Well, that’s nice of them.

ZOE CRICK: I imagine they’re getting something in return. Increased patrols, medicine. Hell, even just food.

EUGENE WOODS: I had no idea we were so important.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, we are post-apocalypse Britain’s flagship light entertainment and informational broadcast.

JACK HOLDEN: Fancy. ...You just made that up, didn’t you?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, not just.

ZOE CRICK: Moving on. After that, we’ll head east-northeast for a while. The Ministry’s keen that we include some coastal settlements on the tour.

EUGENE WOODS: Must want to make sure they hold up until trade routes can be restored.

JACK HOLDEN: Either that, or they want to make sure we get nice tans.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: On a British beach?

JACK HOLDEN: All right. Either that, or they want to make sure we get bitten to death by midges.

ZOE CRICK: Sounds about right. And after that, well, they’ve told us we’ll receive further instruction en route.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Sounds like a plan to me.

EUGENE WOODS: So what do we do now?

ZOE CRICK: Now we wait for the green light.

JACK HOLDEN: All right. So, music it is.

Roadio Cabel

(Plays if Season 3 Mission 25: The Road Goes Ever On And On has been completed.)

PHIL CHEESEMAN, JACK HOLDEN, and EUGENE WOODS: [singing] “63 brain-eating zoms on the wall! 63 brain-eating zoms on the wall, 63 brain-eating zoms! You shoot one down, a cheer goes around, 62 brain-eating zoms on the wall!”

JACK HOLDEN: Oh, come on, everyone!

EUGENE WOODS: Why don’t we give the listeners a break from the singing, and give them a bit of an update?

ZOE CRICK: Please, anything but this.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, come on, Zoe! It’s a traditional car song.

ZOE CRICK: And it’s going to drive me to a bit of a traditional car murder if it doesn’t stop soon.

JACK HOLDEN: All right, all right, we get the hint. So, update. We’re in a van. Driving, obviously. Well, Phil’s driving. I’m just sitting. I can see trees, and shrubs… other plants? Whatever. The weather’s pretty nice, and -

PHIL CHEESEMAN: No, no. Jack, come on. Got to give it a bit of pizzazz.

JACK HOLDEN: What?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You know, like Michael Palin. [imitates Michael Palin] You join us as we travel north through the verdant countryside, taking in all the sights and sounds of the thriving British woodland. Embarking on our epic journey, the road ahead, home behind, and possibility our travelling companion.

EUGENE WOODS: [whispers] That is the worst Palin impression I’ve ever heard.

JACK HOLDEN: [laughs] And then what happened?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, uh, uh…

EUGENE WOODS: Thanks, Phil. Zoe, why don’t you let everyone know what we’re doing out here.

ZOE CRICK: Sure thing. A little while ago, we were approached by Amelia Spens -

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Bloody traitor.

ZOE CRICK: - Amelia Spens, who is now on the run, and is being sought for questioning on some pretty serious allegations, yes.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: All right, BBC.

ZOE CRICK: I’ll take that as a compliment. We were approached by Amelia with a proposition on behalf of the Ministry: perform a tour of the country as a morale-raising and information-gathering exercise.

EUGENE WOODS: Which is why we’re here now, in this van, heading north, potentially coming to a town near you soon! We’ll be broadcasting as we go, thanks to all the equipment we’ve been given by the Ministry, so stay tuned to the usual frequency. And if you see a white van on the road with “Roadio Cabel” painted on the side -

JACK HOLDEN: “Roadio” [laughs]

EUGENE WOODS: - be sure to give us a wave, or stop and say hello.

ZOE CRICK: Yes! We’re really looking forward to meeting some of you, so until that happens – [whispers] Come on, guys.

ALL: Stay safe out there!

Make A Deal

EUGENE WOODS: Okay, listeners, this is just a quick update to those of you in the Pendrington area. As you’re probably aware, you have the dubious honor of hosting our very first live show. We’re currently about… two days? Two days travel from you, and we hate to do this, but -

JACK HOLDEN: Special Z-Bay segment.

EUGENE WOODS: We have a few requests.

JACK HOLDEN: Hello, listeners in Pendrington, and welcome to Z-Bay! Today we bring you special requests from our very own radio hosts, live from the road. Up first, we have Philip Cheeseman.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Thanks, Jack! Uh, listeners, I’m afraid I’ve been quite a silly man and forgotten to bring any cutlery with me. And while I do sincerely enjoy eating my dinner with my hunting knife, I’m also getting a little bit tired of cutting my tongue and lips.

So if anyone out there has a spare fork, knife, or a set of chopsticks, I would be greatly obliged. In return I’m offering this: the last remaining sealed bottle of my own Truth or Dare cider.

JACK HOLDEN: What? You can’t give that away! We need that. Give it here!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hey, hey! Keep off, Holden. Hands on the wheel!

EUGENE WOODS: [whispers] Yeah. Calm down. [out loud] It’s a generous offer, Phil. Hopefully we’ll be able to get you some eating implements. Up next, Zoe has a request.

ZOE CRICK: Earplugs. Oh God, please, listeners. Please let someone have some earplugs.

EUGENE WOODS: To the point.

ZOE CRICK: How is it possible for every single one of you to snore so loudly?

JACK HOLDEN: What? I don’t snore.

EUGENE WOODS: Yes, you do. I love you, but yes, you do. Zoe, what are you offering our listeners in return?

ZOE CRICK: Well, you’ve pointed out that I’ve probably overpacked on the weaponry front, so I’m prepared to offer my machete.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Wow! But… but you love that thing!

ZOE CRICK: And I also love sleeping through the night. So listeners, your earplugs, my machete. I hope we can make a deal.

EUGENE WOODS: Thanks, Zoe. And thanks, listeners. Pendrington, we’ll be seeing you very soon.

Radio Cabel Radio Mic Roadshow

ZOE CRICK: [rummages] Ooh, look!

JACK HOLDEN: Oh my God, yeah! That is so useful! Oh, and check it out, a couple of radio mics.

ZOE CRICK: Nice! That means we’re not stuck in the van.

JACK HOLDEN: Just have to remember to keep the batteries charged.

ZOE CRICK: Yeah, of course. We’ve got the solar flat, so -

EUGENE WOODS: What are you guys so excited about back there?

ZOE CRICK: We’re checking through the equipment the Ministry gave us. Some really nice kit back here.

JACK HOLDEN: Oh my God, Gene. Gene, really nice kit. I don’t even know where they got this stuff from.

ZOE CRICK: We’ve got radio mics, a compressor that actually looks like it works, a digital recorder for calls and pre-taped stuff. Hell, we’ve even got a dump box.

JACK HOLDEN: [laughs] I mean, what would we even use that for? It’s not like Ofcom are going to come after us if we let a few F-bombs through.

EUGENE WOODS: Well, I really don’t know what most of that stuff is, but I’m glad you guys are so excited.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Did you say we got radio mics?

JACK HOLDEN: Yeah! We got four.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Cool! Let me see.

ZOE CRICK: Oi! Eyes on the road, Cheeseman.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Sorry!

JACK HOLDEN: Give me a sec, Phil. I’ll come hook you up and we’ll test this bad boy out -

EUGENE WOODS: Ouch! Watch it! Ow, my ear!

JACK HOLDEN: I’m sorry, all right? Now I just clip it on there…

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [laughs] That tickles.

EUGENE WOODS: Watch it, Phil. I might get jealous.

JACK HOLDEN: Oh, ha bloody ha. All right, Zoe, give it a try. Mic check, Phil.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh, testing. [audio feeback squeals] Testing. Toast. Toast. Uh, fifty fine fillies for fifty friendly Frenchman. Fifty fine fillies -

ZOE CRICK: Sounds good.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Sweet. Radio Cabel radio mic road show! Oh yeah!

ZOE CRICK: Oh no.

He's Gone

ZOE CRICK: And that’s when I told him he had to move out, or I’d tell his boss about the whole thing.

EUGENE WOODS: Jesus, Zo. That’s just -

JACK HOLDEN: - totally badass!

EUGENE WOODS: What?

JACK WOODS: Screw that guy! He was cheating on you with his boss’s wife. I’m glad you kicked him out, Zoe. Total badass!

ZOE CRICK: Thanks, Jack. But it didn’t feel badass at the time. I felt pretty stupid that I didn’t see it coming.

EUGENE WOODS: That’s understandable. But you have to know that -

JACK HOLDEN: - that you’re a total badass.

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] Thanks, boys. What about you, Jack? Ever been cheated on?

JACK HOLDEN: Nah. Too good in -

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Wait.

ZOE CRICK: What is it?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Pull over, Jack.

[JACK HOLDEN pulls over and parks van, PHIL CHEESEMAN unbuckles his seat belt and opens the van door]

EUGENE WOODS: Phil, wait - ! Don’t - ! [van door shuts] He’s gone.

JACK HOLDEN: [sighs] Sod it. Chuck me Sir Geoffrey, Gene. I’m going after him.

To Such Belongs The Kingdom

JACK HOLDEN: Phil! Phil, Jesus! Phil, come back! Hey, stop. Look, what’s… what the hell, man? You don’t just – oh.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I saw the tent from the road.

JACK HOLDEN: Oh man. I’ll, uh… let me get a spade.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: No, no, just… [sighs] Give me a minute. “But Jesus said, ‘Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kindom of heaven.” In nomine Patris et Filii et Spiritus Sancti, amen.

JACK HOLDEN: Amen.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Come on, Jack. They’ll be worried.

I'll Drive

[van door opens]

ZOE CRICK: Oh, thank God.

JACK HOLDEN: We’re okay, we’re okay. Sorry.

[van door closes]

EUGENE WOODS: What the hell happened?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Nothing. We’re fine. Sorry.

JACK HOLDEN: Phil saw a -

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I thought I saw a deer.

JACK HOLDEN: … yeah.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I thought I could get us some better meat than pigeon and squirrel, but it had already been savaged. Not clean…

JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, it was – it was really gross.

ZOE CRICK: Jesus. Phil, you scared us half to death! Just… [sighs] Jesus! Just don’t – don’t do that again, okay?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I know. I’m sorry.

EUGENE WOODS: No one goes anywhere alone, Phil. You know that. This is basic stuff, man.

JACK HOLDEN: It’s cool, Gene. He gets it.

EUGENE WOODS: I’m just saying - !

JACK HOLDEN: Look, he gets it, okay? Just – just lay off.

EUGENE WOODS: Right, fine. Whatever. It’s just basic safety.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: It won’t happen again, Eugene. I’m sorry.

ZOE CRICK: Okay, then! Come on, everyone. Let’s get moving. I’ll drive, then. [starts van] Here we go! [sings] “99 brain-eating zoms on the wall, 99 brain-eating zoms!” [nervous laugh] “You shoot one down, a cheer goes round, 98 brain-eating zoms on the wall…”

Never Explained

JACK HOLDEN: So it was right here, then? This village?

ZOE CRICK: 17 years ago, or so the story goes.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hang on a minute. If it was that long ago, how do you know about it? I thought you grew up miles from here.

EUGENE WOODS: Your aunt told you, didn’t she, Zoe?

ZOE CRICK: That’s right. My aunt told me the story. Do you want to hear it or not, Phil?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I do, I do. Sorry, go ahead.

ZOE CRICK: Okay. So, 17 years ago, in this very village, a series of events unfolded which have, in all the intervening years, never been explained.

JACK HOLDEN: Ooh…

EUGENE WOODS: Shh shh shh!

ZOE CRICK: It all started on a rainy night just like this one, right around this time of night. The local pub, the King’s Head, was crowded with people drinking away the cold and the damp. The windows were opaque with condensation, the air thick with pipe smoke and the gossip of the day. At 10 minutes past 11 – [imitates a lightning strike, others laugh]

Lighting hits the pub. All the lights go dark. For a brief moment, the room is illuminated only by the glow of two dozen pipes and the fire in the grate. Long shadows dance over the walls. But the darkness has barely fallen before it is broken again. The great oaken doors burst open, gusts of wind and rain soaking those nearest to it. And there, silhouetted against the lightning arching through the sky outside, is a man.

JACK HOLDEN: Who was he?

ZOE CRICK: No one knows for sure. Some say he was just a traveller with a few old trinkets to sell. Some say he was the devil himself. Whoever he was, he marched on into the King’s Head and sat himself down at the head of the bar. Then he reaches into the pocket of his coat -

[thunder rolls, everyone startles and then laughs]

Sleep Tight

EUGENE WOODS: So what did he pull out, Zoe?

JACK HOLDEN: Is it a hook?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Or a severed head?

ZOE CRICK: Neither. He pulled out a wristwatch.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Boo! That’s not scary.

EUGENE WOODS: Wait, Phil. Let’s see where this is going.

JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, yeah, I bet it’s like a haunted watch, or something. Ooh, or it’s - ! Sorry. Sorry, Zoe. Go on.

ZOE CRICK: The man offers the watch to the landlord without a word. The landlord, transfixed by the watch, reaches out to grab it, his hands shaking as if moved by a supernatural force. Accounts differ on what happened next. Some people say the landlord begged and pleaded with some unseen person not to make him take the watch. Others say he took it willingly, offering the man free drinks all night in exchange.

Whatever happened, the landlord ended up with that watch, and several other patrons of the pub found themselves taking home mysterious items they hadn’t known they’d desired. John McCreary, a local farmer, took home an old, battered trowel. Alister Logan, the chemist, woke up with a new copper frying pan in his kitchen. And Michael Stewart’s new pair of boots fit more perfectly than any he had ever worn.

The years passed, and the visit from the mysterious man passed from the memories of most. At least, until John McCreary, digging in his garden, hit an unexploded bomb from the war and was vaporized. They say his arm was found three streets away, his hand still tightly clutching the trowel he’d received all that time ago.

JACK HOLDEN: Oh my God, that is so creepy!

EUGENE WOODS: See, Phil? Told you it was going to get good.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, go on, Zo. What happened next?

ZOE CRICK: One by one, all the people who’d received gifts from the man in the pub met their end, and every one of them died using the gift they’d received. Alister Logan burned alive in a fire started by the oil in his copper frying pan. Michael Stewart slipped while hiking in his new boots and fell to his demise. And finally, Jerry, the old landlord of the King’s Head, overslept because his watch had stopped, and was crushed by a falling tree branch long after he’d have ordinarily left his bedroom!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: No way…

ZOE CRICK: Yes way! And then, not one month after Jerry’s death, the driver of the bus that serves the village called in to his depot to report the entire place deserted. No bodies, no notes, no sign of the village ever having been inhabited. Just empty houses, empty shops, and empty beds. And that is the story of Little Hayfield.

EUGENE WOODS: Damn, Zoe. That is an awesome ghost story.

ZOE CRICK: Thanks, Gene. Now everyone – sleep tight! Mwahahaha!

Curse You!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Building on my side! One point to me.

EUGENE WOODS: My side! That’s 17-15. My side! 18-15! My side! 19-15.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Damn it! Come on, what’s with all these fields on my side?

EUGENE WOODS: My side! 20-15!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Urgh! Ha, my side, 20-16.

EUGENE WOODS: 21-16.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Ugh! Curse you, Eugene Woods, you damned witch. Curse you straight to hell! Let’s get some bloody buildings on this side!

Tick Tock

ZOE CRICK: Newcastle.

EUGENE WOODS: Oswestry.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Penzance.

JACK HOLDEN: Damn it. Q. Why do I always get Q?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You’ve got 30 seconds… [sings a countdown tune]

JACK HOLDEN: Ugh, damn it! Wait, wait… yes, uh, Queensborough.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Nice!

ZOE CRICK: Rotherham.

EUGENE WOODS: Salisbury.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Tottenham.

JACK HOLDEN: Oh come on, that can’t count. That’s a borough, not a town.

ZOE CRICK: Come on, Phil, stick to the rules.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: All right, all right. Who made you the boss of this game, anyway?

ZOE CRICK: You did, when you complained you were bored of playing Spot the Building with Eugene.

EUGENE WOODS: Which was only because I was winning.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Not true! It’s just… I wanted to play a game that involved a bit more skill, is all.

EUGENE WOODS: Spot the Building involves a great deal of skill, Mister Cheeseman. I’m just sorry you don’t possess enough to compete on a professional level.

ZOE CRICK: Anyway, now we’re playing a new game with more skill, like you asked. And if that’s the case, then you’ve got to play by the rules. So, town beginning with T, go.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Fine. Tadcaster.

JACK HOLDEN: Upminster.

ZOE CRICK: V, oh my God. Wait!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: 30 seconds. Rules! [sings a countdown tune]

ZOE CRICK: I know, but - !

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Tick tock! [sings a countdown tune]

ZOE CRICK: Just give me a minute to think!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [sings a countdown tune] Aw, that’s it. Too late. You lose. Zoe loses.

ZOE CRICK: You’re the worst.

Bingo

EUGENE WOODS: Okay, all right, one more game. We’re nearly there anyway.

JACK HOLDEN: I Spy.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Not a chance.

EUGENE WOODS: No. 20 Questions. I’m thinking of something. Ask your questions.

ZOE CRICK: Okay. Is it alive?

EUGENE WOODS: Yes. 19 questions left.

JACK HOLDEN: Right. Uh, is it a person?

EUGENE WOODS: Yup. 18.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Is this person a man?

EUGENE WOODS: No. 17.

JACK HOLDEN: Ooh ooh, is she a singer.

EUGENE WOODS: [laughs] Definitely not.

JACK HOLDEN: Oh, damn it. I was hoping it would be Dolly Parton.

EUGENE WOODS: Why would you hope that?

JACK HOLDEN: I don’t know, I just… I wanted to get it when we had nine questions left, and then I could start singing “Nine to Five,” and it’d be really, really funny.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Is she famous?

EUGENE WOODS: I’ll think you’ll have heard of her.

ZOE CRICK: Um, do we know her personally?

EUGENE WOODS: Oh, I’d say so.

ZOE CRICK: It’s me, isn’t it?

EUGENE WOODS: Ding ding ding ding ding! Bingo!

ZOE CRICK: Nice.

JACK HOLDEN: That’s such a gyp! You can’t choose someone we know!

EUGENE WOODS: Says who?

JACK HOLDEN: Says… says… just because - !

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Right. What now?

Say That Again

ZOE CRICK: Still nothing?

EUGENE WOODS: [sighs] No.

ZOE CRICK: How long’s it been?

EUGENE WOODS: An hour, maybe more. [sighs] This doesn’t feel right! I’m going to go find them.

ZOE CRICK: Eugene, no. No one goes anywhere alone, you know that. And we can’t leave the van.

EUGENE WOODS: [sighs] You’re right.

ZOE CRICK: Look, they’ve probably just lost track of time. You know how Phil can get with hunting.

EUGENE WOODS: Yeah.

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] And Jack just gets distracted easily, right?

EUGENE WOODS: [laughs] You can say that again.

ZOE CRICK: And Jack just – [EUGENE WOODS smacks ZOE CRICK] Ow!

[both laugh]

EUGENE WOODS: [sighs] Thank you.

First Kill

ZOE CRICK: Gene.

EUGENE WOODS: What?

ZOE CRICK: They’re here, look.

[van door opens, zombies growl]

EUGENE WOODS: No.

JACK HOLDEN: Start the van! Phil, come on!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Go! I’ve got them!

ZOE CRICK: No!

JACK HOLDEN: Start the damn van! Phil, move!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I’ll buy you time! Just go!

EUGENE WOODS: Zoe. Van, now!

ZOE CRICK: No, no, no! Idiot! Oh, stupid idiot! [unbuckles seatbelt]

EUGENE WOODS: Zoe, no. [van door opens] Zoe, come back here! Damn it!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Stay back, I’ve got this! Just go!

EUGENE WOODS: Keys, ignition! [starts van] Zoe, Phil, let’s go! Let’s go!

ZOE CRICK: Move, Phil. Come on.

EUGENE WOODS: Drag him back here! We have got to go!

JACK HOLDEN: Come on, come on, come on!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Open the door - ! [screams]

JACK HOLDEN: Phil! [zombie snarls]

EUGENE WOODS: Oh God.

JACK HOLDEN: Oh God!

EUGENE WOODS: Come on, come on!

[PHIL CHEESEMAN shouts, ZOE CRICK beheads zombie]

ZOE CRICK: Get up! [beheads another zombie] We’re here. We’re here. Go, go, go!

[van peels out]

[characters take deep breaths]

JACK HOLDEN: Hey, Zo… first kill.

[everyone laughs]

Kill The Feed

JACK HOLDEN: Uh, is this - ?

ZOE CRICK: No, I think it’s the next turn. Yeah, right here, I think.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Should we announce ourselves or something?

EUGENE WOODS: I think they’ll know who it is, Phil. The name of the show is painted down the side of the van.

JACK HOLDEN: Hey, this place looks pretty decent.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh yeah. Is that -? Hey, yeah, they’ve got working lights.

EUGENE WOODS: Maybe we’ll even get a shower.

ZOE CRICK: God willing.

JACK HOLDEN: Hey, what does that sign say?

EUGENE WOODS: “Welcome to Pendrington Village. We are a private community. Please declare all weapons as you enter, and disable any transmitters, walkie-talkies, headsets, or other recording devices. We thank you for your compliance.”

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Better kill the feed, Zo.

JACK HOLDEN: Just let it play some pre-taped for a bit.

ZOE CRICK: On it.

Want Your ILU

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Day four in the Radio Road Show van. Zoe is in the Diary Room.

ZOE CRICK: Hi, Big Brother!

EUGENE WOODS: Hello, Zoe. What do you want to talk about?

ZOE CRICK: It’s just… it’s Jack. He’s really pecking my nut. All he keeps talking about is his singing career, and he’s always showing off in the kitchen so I can’t tell everyone about the kid’s book I’m writing.

EUGENE WOODS: That must be frustrating, Zoe. Are you homesick?

ZOE CRICK: Yeah, I’m really homesick. I just… I just… I just want to go home!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Elsewhere in the Radio Road Show van, Jack is entertaining Janine with a song from his upcoming album.

JACK HOLDEN: And then it goes like this – [sings] “Come on and text me up! Whoa-oo-oo-oo-oo-oh” [others groan] “Come on and text me up!” [laughs]

EUGENE WOODS: Low blow, Jack.

ZOE CRICK: Oh, I’m going to have that stuck in my head all bloody day now.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [mutters] “You got my number, I want your ILU”

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] Eyes on the road.

We Love You, Pendrington!

[audience applauds; Radio Cabel sing theme tune]

EUGENE WOODS: It’s that time, Pendrington! We’re here, and we’re live! Welcome to the Radio Cabel Road Show! [audience applauds] I’m your host, Eugene Woods, and with me tonight are the dazzling Jack Holden! [audience cheers] The charming Phil Cheeseman. [audience applauds] And the one, the only, the legend that is Zoe Crick! [audience cheers]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: We love you, Pendrington!

ZOE CRICK: Thank you, thank you, you beautiful people! Thanks for having us here tonight! Can I get a big round of applause for the gratuitously talented Mister Eugene Woods here!

[audience applauds]

EUGENE WOODS: Yay!

ZOE CRICK: Pendrington, Pendrington, Pendrington. What a place. What a great settlement you guys have here. You know, I did some research on Rofflenet last night, asking around about Pendrington.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: As you do.

ZOE CRICK: As you do. And someone told me that you’ve lasted this entire time without losing a single person.

JACK HOLDEN: Oh, now, that can’t be right, surely!

ZOE CRICK: Is that right, or is that just - ?

[audience cheers]

EUGENE WOODS: Sounds like it’s right. That’s pretty impressive, you guys.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, I mean, just look at all these fences! We must have passed through – what, five sets of fences to get in here?

JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, this place must be more secure than Eugene’s self-image.

[audience laughs]

EUGENE WOODS: Ha ha, very funny. Very funny.

ZOE CRICK: Calm down, boys, calm down. All right, everyone. We’re glad to be here, really excited, and we can’t wait to get the show started properly, after this song.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hit it! We love you, Pendrington!

[audience cheers and applauds]

Pandering

ZOE CRICK: All right, welcome back. This is the Radio Cabel Road Show, broadcasting live from the village of Pendrington.

[audience applauds]

EUGENE WOODS: How are you feeling tonight, Pendrington? [audience cheers] Awesome, awesome! Well, uh, we’ve got a great show for you tonight. We’ve got some stories from the road, some tips from the Ministry, and we want to hear from all of you, as well. You know, on our way here, we were all talking about how excited we were to meet you.

JACK HOLDEN: Excited, terrified is what it really was.

[audience laughs]

EUGENE WOODS: Potayto, potahto. [laughs] Because uh, because you know we do these broadcasts from our little shack back in Abel or New Canton, and there are people there who listen to us, but we’ve never really actually met any other listeners face to face, really.

PHIL CHEESEMANl We hadn’t even met each other face to face until recently.

EUGENE WOODS: Exactly! So we’re having this big discussion about, you know, who are these people that listen to the show? Are they just like us? Do we have a specific crowd? Or, you know - ?

ZOE CRICK: Who the hell are all of you people?

EUGENE WOODS: Right! [laughs] Who the hell are you? So we made sure to spend as much time walking around before the show, chatting to a bunch of you, uh, so that we could find out.

JACK HOLDEN: And basically, you’re all just people.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: And some dogs.

JACK HOLDEN: Right, right, yeah. People, and dogs, but the dogs don’t really listen properly, do they?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Dogs have pretty acute hearing, Jack.

JACK HOLDEN: [sighs] I’m not talking about hearing, Phil. I’m talking about listening.

ZOE CRICK: They’ve got cows as well, and some sheep.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Dogs definitely hear better than sheep.

JACK HOLDEN: It’s not about hearing!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I’m just saying -

EUGENE WOODS: [laughs] All right, wow! [laughs] I think what Jack was trying to say, Phil, is that the most exciting thing about meeting everyone here is that our listeners aren’t just people who like tea or cats or conspiracy theories, or Jack. They’re – as Jack says – they’re just people.

JACK HOLDEN: Yeah.

EUGENE WOODS: People united by the idea that we can still have some of the old comforts, that we can still have music and jokes -

ZOE CRICK: Even if they’re cheese puns.

[audience groans]

EUGENE WOODS: Especially if they’re cheese puns. Anyway, [sighs] what we’re trying to say is the best thing about arriving here on our first stop of our national tour is you, the audience.

[audience applauds]

JACK HOLDEN: Now Eugene’s done pandering to you, here’s a song we picked out especially for the occasion.

MC Cheeseman

[JACK HOLDEN sings, audience cheers and applauds]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh my God.

ZOE CRICK: Jack! Jack, that is the best dancing I have ever seen.

JACK HOLDEN: I am the dance master! Dancing baby! Dancing boy Jack! Oh yeah.

EUGENE WOODS: [laughs] Mister Jack Holden, ladies and gentleman!

[audience applauds]

ZOE CRICK: Well, I hope that’s answered your question. Jack is the funkiest member of the radio crew.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well now, now, now, hold on just a minute, Zoe. Jack might be a pretty funky cat, but I think you’re forgetting about old MC Cheeseman over here.

EUGENE WOODS: MC Cheeseman?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: That’s me.

EUGENE WOODS: You have to be kidding me. [laughs] You’re kidding, right?

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] He’s kidding.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Jack, if you would be so kind as to drop me a beat.

[EUGENE WOODS and ZOE CRICK laugh]

ZOE CRICK: This is not how I expected this evening to go.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Jack?

JACK HOLDEN: You’re serious?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Damn straight.

[JACK HOLDEN beatboxes]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [clears throat, raps] Yo. Yo. Yo. Hey people, better listen up! Grab yourself a seat and pour yourself a little cup - of wine, because now it’s time, to hear Mister Cheeseman rhyme. Oh yeah. [audience cheers] Jack says he’s funkiest. I doubt it. So take a break while I sing a little song about it. When you look at me, you see a plain guy. Kinda nerdy, drinking tea, and yeah, I guess I’m kind of shy. But that don’t mean I’m boring. When I’m talking, no one in the house is snoring. When I’m singing, every person’s ears are ringing - with my music. Yeah, I’m the funkiest, and everyone just heard me prove it!

[audience applauds]

ZOE CRICK: Mic drop, mic drop! MC Cheeseman in the house

EUGENE WOODS: Give it up! Oh, give it up, everybody! MC Cheeseman!

JACK HOLDEN: Cheeseman! Cheeseman! Cheeseman!

Pay The Piper

EUGENE WOODS: - I underestimated you, Phil. I’ve got to say, you’ve got some skills on the mic.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Aw, heck. It’s just a trick I picked up at uni.

EUGENE WOODS: Still, it’s not something I’d have thought -

JACK HOLDEN: Guys, guys. Look.

ZOE CRICK: Who the hell is that?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Is that a gun?

JACK HOLDEN: Where’s Sir Geoffrey?

ZOE CRICK: Here.

EUGENE WOODS: What do we think, guys? Is he dangerous?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Dangerous people don’t normally wave, do they?

EUGENE WOODS: I guess we’re going to find out. He’s coming over.

JACK HOLDEN: Stand ready, everyone.

[van door opens]

MINISTRY GOON: Are you Jack? Or Phil?

JACK HOLDEN: Who’s asking?

MINISTRY GOON: The person who’s been keeping you safe these past weeks.

JACK HOLDEN: Uh, what?

ZOE CRICK: Oh.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: What?

ZOE CRICK: Well, the Ministry said we’d have an escort, but no one showed up at Abel before we left. I just guessed they’d scrapped that bit of the plan, but…

PHIL CHEESEMAN: So he’s, what? Our bodyguard?

MINISTRY GOON: Head of the class, Cheeseman.

EUGENE WOODS: So you’ve been watching us this whole time?

MINISTRY GOON: Sure as hell haven’t been sitting around with my thumb up my ass. It ain’t easy work, either, keeping you all safe. Time to pay the piper.

JACK HOLDEN: Hang on, we didn’t hire you. We’re not paying. Go talk to the Ministry.

MINISTRY GOON: I don’t need money, Mister Holden. Really, you should have been briefed on this. [sighs] In exchange for the Ministry’s protection while you’re out on your little tour, and for safe lodging at each community you visit, you are required to furnish the Ministry with such information as they request on each of the communities in question. Not ringing any bells?

ZOE CRICK: Hang on. You want us to spy on people.

MINISTRY GOON: Just a little census information, Miss Crick.

EUGENE WOODS: No way.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: We’re not doing it.

MINISTRY GOON: Then I won’t be on hand to keep you safe the next time you’re face down in the dirt with a horde of zoms on top of you.

JACK HOLDEN: Zoe took care of them!

MINISTRY GOON: Aye, a couple of them, maybe. So I don’t dare think what would have happened if my aim hadn’t been so good.

ZOE CRICK: [sighs] What do you want to know?

Dogs

MINISTRY GOON: So, three sets of fences -

EUGENE WOODS: Two wooden, one metal.

MINISTRY GOON: And about how many people in the settlement?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh, more than 50, fewer than 100.

JACK HOLDEN: Plus some dogs.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Dogs, too.

MINISTRY GOON: Right. Well, thanks for your cooperation. I think my aim’s going to stay pretty true for a little while. Go on, off you trot.

ZOE CRICK: Come on, boys.

MINISTRY GOON: See you soon.

Time For Some Music

JACK HOLDEN: I don’t like it!

ZOE CRICK: I know.

JACK HOLDEN: Janine told us we’d be meeting her contacts, but not that we’d be bloody spies for the Ministry or whatever it is!

ZOE CRICK: I know!

JACK HOLDEN: Look, I’m just saying I don’t like it.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: None of us like it, Jack! But what the hell -  

JACK HOLDEN: What? But what?

ZOE CRICK: Well, what can we do?

JACK HOLDEN: What do you mean, “what can we do”? We can -

EUGENE WOODS: It’s time for some music, isn’t it?

JACK HOLDEN: What?

EUGENE WOODS: Don’t you think we should play some music for the listeners, Jack? I think it’s time for us to take a break.

JACK HOLDEN: Oh, uh, yeah. Okay.

Driving Tune

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Ugh. Zoe, that is the last time I’m letting you pick the music.

ZOE CRICK: What? What was wrong with that? And what the hell do you mean, “letting me pick the music”? Last I looked, Cheeseman, you weren’t magical king of the music choices.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Listen, I’m driving! So you’ve got to choose music I can drive to. Otherwise I might get distracted by your God-awful taste in music and run into a bush or something.

EUGENE WOODS: Co-pilot chooses the music, Phil. Them’s the rules.

JACK HOLDEN: The rules of the road!

EUGENE WOODS: And if you don’t like the rules, you better get off the road!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Okay, I’ll throw up pretty violently if you two don’t stop chipping in from the peanut gallery back there.

ZOE CRICK: All right, all right, Phil, fine. Do you have any requests?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh, you know what I want you to play. I’ve asked for it a dozen times today already.

EUGENE WOODS: No, no, not that. Please not that.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: It’s my driving tune.

ZOE CRICK: Fine, fine. Fine! But I’m picking the next one.

Comfort Break

ALL: [singing] “Eugene and Zoe, Phil and Jack. Out on the road, not in the radio shack. When we come to your town, don’t turn your back. We’ll do our show and make you laugh. Eugene and Zoe, Phil and Jack. Out on the road, not in the radio shack. When we come to your town, don’t turn your back! We’ll do our show and make you laugh.” [laugh]

EUGENE WOODS: Oh, Zo! Zo, comfort break.

ZOE CRICK: Oh, already, Gene? We’ve stopped twice today. At this rate, we’re never going to make it Fulbridge in time.

EUGENE WOODS: I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t urgent.

ZOE CRICK: [sighs] You’ll be quick?

EUGENE WOODS: As lightning, promise.

[ZOE CRICK parks van]

ZOE CRICK: Right. Shake a leg.

JACK HOLDEN: Ew.

ZOE CRICK: Oh, not like that!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Go on, Gene. I’ll watch your back.

My Fears Relieved

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I thought you said you needed to go.

EUGENE WOODS: I know, I do. Sorry, it’s just…

PHIL CHEESEMAN: No, no skin off my nose. Quiet as anything out here.

EUGENE WOODS: That is the problem.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh. Right. Well, uh, if ever I need to, um, get over my stage fright, I just sing this little song: [sings] “Tinkle tinkle tinkle, I go wee - ”

EUGENE WOODS: No. Uh, no. Ugh. Thanks, Phil, but no. Uh, a kid’s potty song, I don’t think… I don’t think that’ll work.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [sings loudly] “Amazi-i-ing Grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me!” [EUGENE WOODS laughs] “I once was lost, but now am found. Was blind bu-u-ut now I see-ee-ee-ee.” [quieter] “And grace, my fears relieved.”

EUGENE WOODS: [laughs] Come on, let’s get back.

Wolves And Wool

ZOE CRICK: Eyes up, everyone.

JACK HOLDEN: Guess we must be here. Don’t look very friendly, do they?

EUGENE WOODS: Oh, you know what they say about books and covers, Jack.

JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, you know what they say about wolves and wool.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Wool?

JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, like when something’s dangerous -

EUGENE WOODS: It’s sheep’s clothing.

JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, wool.

EUGENE WOODS: No, the saying is “a wolf in sheep’s clothing.”

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh.

JACK HOLDEN: Sheep don’t wear clothes -

EUGENE WOODS: That’s not the - ! [sighs] Forget it. They’re here.

ZOE CRICK: [rolls window down] Hello! We’re here from – we’re the radio show.

GUARD: Aye. Long road, was it?

ZOE CRICK: Quite a long drive, yeah.

GUARD: I’d say. You’re late.

EUGENE WOODS: Sorry, that’s my fault. Small bladder.

GUARD: Well, that’s as may be, but we’ve got kiddies inside waiting for the show.

ZOE CRICK: Sorry for keeping you waiting. Which way is the - ?

GUARD: Anything in that van I need to look at?

ZOE CRICK: Just our supplies and equipment.

GUARD: Aye. Right then. In you go. Second left.

Science

JACK HOLDEN: And that, everybody, is the story of how the leopard got her spots. [audience laughs]

EUGENE WOODS: Thanks, Jack. Let’s thank Jack for the storytime, everyone. [audience applauds and cheers] And now, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it’s time for Science Corner with Phil and Zoe! [audience applauds and cheers]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Thank you, thank you! Hello, everybody!

ZOE CRICK: Hello! This is Professor Phil, and I’m Doctor Zoe, and we’re here today to show you some amazing things you can do with science.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Science! [laughs] Uh, science, boys and girls, is all around us. Science is… uh, science is what makes the sky blue, and what makes your lights come on, and what makes your mommy and daddy uh, go -

ZOE CRICK: Science is what we use to understand the world around us, boys and girls. And once we understand the world, we can do some really special things, just like our first trick, the potato stab.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: For this trick, we’ll need a volunteer from the crowd. Eugene, why don’t you play the home audience a song while we set this up?

EUGENE WOODS: You got it. We’ll be right back, everyone.

Air Pressure

PHIL CHEESEMAN: All right, Chloe, thank you very much. You did a great job. Everyone, let’s give Chloe a big round of applause. [audience cheers and applauds]

ZOE CRICK: So you see, everyone, when Chloe tried to stab the potato with the straw the first time, all the air could come out of the top of the straw. This meant that the straw collapsed when it hit the potato, so Chloe couldn’t stab it in very far.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Exactly. But then, when Chloe put her finger over the top of the straw, all the air was held inside, which meant that the straw stayed stiff when it hit the potato, and it could go all the way in.

ZOE CRICK: And that’s what we call air pressure. Because we understand how that works, we can use it to let us stab a flimsy straw all the way into a very tough potato. And that’s science! [audience applauds]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Remember, everyone, science is important because that’s what will let us get back all the things we don’t have anymore. Lighting and hot water whenever we want them. Medicine we don’t have to scavenge for. Food we can store for longer than a few days. New buildings, roads, even cars. All these things that we miss, that would make our lives happier and easier, that’s what science can give us. [audience applauds]

JACK HOLDEN: Thanks, Zoe. Thanks, Phil. That was Science Corner. Give them a big hand, everyone! [audience cheers] All right. Now uh, I never thought I’d say this, but kids, it’s time to go back to school. Fulbridge, you’ve been fantastic. We love you! And we’ve had a brilliant time with all of you today. Give everyone up here a really big hand. Eugene Woods - [audience cheers] Professor Phil Cheeseman - [audience cheers] Doctor Zoe Crick - [audience cheers] Chloe, our junior scientist - [audience cheers] and I’ve been Jack Holden. Thank you, Fulbridge. [audience cheers]

Friend From London

[audience cheers]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Nice show! Fun show.

EUGENE WOODS: Good work, guys. Nicely done.

JACK HOLDEN: Do you think they liked us?

EUGENE WOODS: Of course they did! Listen to that!

JACK HOLDEN: I don’t know. It felt a bit less fun, you know, than Pendrington.

ZOE CRICK: Well, we are sober.

JACK HOLDEN: Good point.

ZOE CRICK: And the audience was full of kids.

JACK HOLDEN: Yeah…

ZOE CRICK: So it’s not like you could really have done your drunken baby dance again.

[EUGENE WOODS laughs]

JACK HOLDEN: No, no. Good point.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: They liked us just fine, Jack. It was a good show.

EUGENE WOODS: They certainly did. And they loved Science Corner!

ZOE CRICK: It was fun, yeah. Although Phil, maybe next time let me explain what science is.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I did my best!

[EUGENE WOODS laughs]

JACK HOLDEN: [imitates PHIL CHEESEMAN] “Science is uh… science is how bananas work.” [laughs] “Science is how zebras don’t cry. Science…”

CONTACT: Excuse me?

JACK HOLDEN: Sorry? Hi.

CONTACT: You’re the radio crew?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, that’s us. We’ll be back out in a second to chat, sorry. Just doing a bit of a debrief.

CONTACT: No, no. I uh, I have a present for you, from our mutual friend in London.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, right! Uh…

ZOE CRICK: I’ll take that. Thank you.

CONTACT: No, thank you. Send my regards to Janine.

ZOE CRICK: We will, thanks.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [whispers] That was cool.

Broken Arm

[JACK HOLDEN imitates cricket bat swing, mutters sports commentary]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Jack! Jack.

EUGENE WOODS: He’s fine.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I know. Jack, Jack!

JACK HOLDEN: Oh, sorry, Phil. What’s up?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Could you sit down and stop waving that bat around, please?

EUGENE WOODS: He’s not hurting anyone back there.

JACK HOLDEN: Uh, I’m practicing. I have to get my drive right.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I know, but you’re also making me nervous.

EUGENE WOODS: Come on, Phil! You know he’s got to get his drive right. Big game coming up.

JACK HOLDEN: I’m fine, don’t worry about it. We’re only going slow.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Still, all it takes is one bump on the road -

JACK HOLDEN: [sighs] I’ll be fine, I promise!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Jack, please, just… I know it’ll be fine, but you’re still making me nervous.

[JACK HOLDEN imitates cricket bat swing]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Jack! Jack!

ZOE CRICK: Jack!

JACK HOLDEN: What?

ZOE CRICK: Listen, I know you need to get back on form before the match, but you’re never going to score a century with a broken arm, are you? And if you keep titting around back there, that’s exactly what you’ll have. If not from falling over, then from me, because you’re blocking my bloody mirrors. So sit down.

JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, fair enough. Pretty much got it perfect anyway.

Puerorum

JACK HOLDEN: What, just up here?

ZOE CRICK: Yeah. Yeah, it was right up here.

EUGENE WOODS: I’m amazed you remember the way, Zo.

ZOE CRICK: Me, too, to be honest. I mean, I came here every summer when I was a kid, but I don’t know. It’s funny how memory works, isn’t it?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I’ll say. I still remember all my Latin declensions. Uh, res res rem, rei rei re, res res res, rerem rebus rebus.

ZOE CRICK: Left here, Jack.

EUGENE WOODS: Phil. Puer, genitive plural.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh… puerorum.

ZOE CRICK: Was that right?

EUGENE WOODS: I don’t know.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: It’s right.

JACK HOLDEN: Oh, wow!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I know. Pretty cool, right?

JACK HOLDEN: No no no, look!

EUGENE WOODS: Oh, wow.

JACK HOLDEN: Yeah!

EUGENE WOODS: Zo, this place is amazing.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Wow.

JACK HOLDEN: Like, seriously!

ZOE CRICK: It wasn’t always this overgrown. I wasn’t raised by tigers.

JACK HOLDEN: Oh.

ZOE CRICK: I think that’s the clubhouse just up ahead. If you turn right past that, there should be a safe place to park back there.

Tour

JACK HOLDEN: This looks like a decent spot. [parks van]

EUGENE WOODS: You guys want to take a look around?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, wouldn’t miss it.

ZOE CRICK: Everyone got their radio mics?

EUGENE WOODS: Yep.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Aye, aye.

JACK HOLDEN: All good.

ZOE CRICK: Great. Then, listeners, Radio Cabel is now proud to present an audio walking tour of the campground where Zoe spent most of her summers. Let’s go.

[van doors open and close]

ZOE CRICK: We’re standing now in the walled-in yard behind the clubhouse, so chosen for its excellent defensive options, should things go a bit pear-shaped while we’re exploring.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: They won’t, though, will they?

EUGENE WOODS: Shouldn’t do. Place looked really empty on the way in. Weird, really.

JACK HOLDEN: Don’t imagine many people were around here during the outbreak.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah. Yeah, you’re probably right.

ZOE CRICK: It’ll all be fine, don’t worry. Anyway, we’ve got our friend out there keeping us safe, haven’t we? Hello, if you can hear us!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: It’s uh, it’s probably best not to antagonize the man with the high-powered rifle watching our every move, Zo.

ZOE CRICK: Yep, good point. Let’s crack on, shall we?

EUGENE WOODS: Lead on, MacDuff.

Narration

ZOE CRICK: We’re now walking up the hill towards the main campground, the site of many water fights, hide and seek games, and midsummer barbeques. The grass has been broken by weeds and the seasons, though we can still make out the old pitch boundaries, the plug-in points for camper vans, and the remains of the football field.

Though tall trees now throw shade over much of the campground, it’s easy for me to recall the morning sunlight spilling across the grass, lighting up the inside of our tents, and telling us that it’s time to start our day.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Jeez, Zo. Nice narration. You’re full of surprises.

ZOE CRICK: Thanks. I guess I’m just getting a bit nostalgic now that we’re here. What do you think, guys?

EUGENE WOODS: It’s nice. Peaceful.

JACK HOLDEN: Yeah. Feels like we’re in a different world.

EUGENE WOODS: Yeah. You know, I could really… no. Never mind.

ZOE CRICK: What is it, Gene?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You know I hate it when you get all cryptic and brooding.

JACK HOLDEN: As attractive as it is.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, shut up.

EUGENE WOODS: It’s stupid. I was just thinking – [sighs] I could really see us living here. [laughs] It’s stupid, I know. You know, we’ve got a home. It’s just… it’s so calm.

JACK HOLDEN: Yeah.

Badger

[all breathe heavily as they climb the hill]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: So, Zoe. Where are we now?

ZOE CRICK: Top of the hill.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: What happened to that poetry?

ZOE CRICK: Knackered.

JACK HOLDEN: You all right, Gene?

EUGENE WOODS: Fine.

JACK HOLDEN: Nice view!

EUGENE WOODS: Wow, yeah. Is that Abel way over there?

JACK HOLDEN: What? No, it can’t be. We’re ages away.

EUGENE WOODS: No, look! That’s the watch tower, and -

ZOE CRICK: Abel’s in the other direction, Gene.

EUGENE WOOD: Oh, yeah. Right.

ZOE CRICK: And there’s no way we could see it from here. There -

[bushes rustle]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: What was that?

JACK HOLDEN: In the bushes. Get ready.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I thought this place was safe.

ZOE CRICK: Apparently not.

JACK HOLDEN: Easy, easy… come on then, you!

ZOE CRICK: Here it comes!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: And it’s a badger.

[everyone laughs]

Hairpin

ZOE CRICK: And now we return to where we started: the clubhouse. Home of the weekly Saturday night disco, Thursday night bingo, and the first place I ever tasted alcohol. Also the first place I ever kissed a boy.

JACK HOLDEN: Ooh, saucy! [laughs]

EUGENE WOODS: Shall we have a look inside? Door’s right here.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah. There might be a plaque on the wall to commemorate the first time Zoe had a sneaky sip of shandy. [laughs]

ZOE CRICK: Oh ha ha. But yeah. Might be something worth taking inside.

EUGENE WOODS: [jiggles door handle] No. Locked.

JACK HOLDEN: Oh, hang on. Let me have a look. [tries handle] Hmm. Yeah, all right. This won’t be a problem. Uh, Zoe, do you have a hairpin?

ZOE CRICK: Oh, um, yeah. All right. Here.

JACK HOLDEN: Ta. Right. Let’s have a look. [breaks down door] Ha ha! Ta-da!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: What the hell was the hairpin for?

JACK HOLDEN: Oh! Oh, uh, my fringe was in my eyes.

Dance

ZOE CRICK: Oh, look. This is the bar.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: All cleaned out, sadly. Oh, I could really have gone for a pint about now.

ZOE CRICK: It didn’t have much to begin with. Just some warm bitter, [laughs] the odd bottle of white wine for the ladies, and a lone bottle of whiskey.

EUGENE WOODS: White wine for the ladies?

ZOE CRICK: Mm, it was a different time.

JACK HOLDEN: Oh, Gene! Gene, there’s a jukebox!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, sweet! Let’s have a look!

ZOE CRICK: There’s no way that’ll still be working.

EUGENE WOODS: I don’t know. Don’t these places usually have generators to supply power for the campers?

ZOE CRICK: Yeah, but it’s been a long time, Gene.

EUGENE WOODS: Still, we should give it a try. Come on, Jack.

JACK HOLDEN: Hang on. Hang on… [turns on jukebox] Oh man! Yes!

[everyone laughs]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Wow, this is awesome! Is there anything good? Here, let me see.

JACK HOLDEN: Hey, hey.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hey!

JACK HOLDEN: Oi!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: No, that one! That one.

[music plays]

EUGENE WOODS: Oh, I love this song.

ZOE CRICK: Mister Woods, are you dancing?

EUGENE WOODS: Only if you are asking.

ZOE CRICK: I’m asking. [laughs]

JACK HOLDEN: Come on, Phil. Let’s show these suckers how it’s done.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, right.

[everyone dances]

ZOE CRICK: Oh my God!

JACK HOLDEN: Amateur.

[everyone laughs as they dance]

Silly Mid-On

ZOE CRICK: So I basically just hit it and then run?

JACK HOLDEN: Well, yeah, but there are subtleties. You’ve got to -

ZOE CRICK: Stay in my crease, pay attention to where the fielders are, don’t be afraid to leave the ball. I know, Jack. We’ve been going over this for an hour.

JACK HOLDEN: Sorry. I’m just excited! I’ve not had the chance to play properly for… God, I don’t even know how long. To be honest, I never thought we’d have a proper game again.

ZOE CRICK: Don’t worry about it. I know you’ve been looking forward to this for a while.

JACK HOLDEN: How are you two doing back there?

EUGENE WOODS: Fine, thanks.

JACK HOLDEN: You’ve learned your field and positions?

EUGENE WOODS: Yes, Jack.

JACK HOLDEN: How to count the score?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yes, Jack.

JACK HOLDEN: You’re not going to - ?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Say the score after every ball? No.

JACK HOLDEN: Right.

EUGENE WOODS: Jack?

JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, yes, Eugene?

EUGENE WOODS: Remind me – is silly mid-on the guy with the bat or the guy with the balls?

JACK HOLDEN: Oh, for God’s sake, Eugene. The silly mid-on’s the - [EUGENE WOODS laughs] Oh, very funny. Very flipping funny.

EUGENE WOODS: Stop fussing and keep driving, Jackie. We’ve got a game to get to.

History

PHIL CHEESEMAN: So Jack, what with us about to make post-apocalypse broadcasting history, do you want to give the listeners at home a bit of context?

JACK HOLDEN: I do, Phil. I do. Listeners, we’re on our way to the walled village of Langbrook, which uh, well, it’s been zom-free for a little while. Just long enough, in fact, for them to restore the local cricket ground, which means, much to my interest -

EUGENE WOODS: Interest? You’ve been talking about nothing else for weeks.

JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, Langbrook now has what is quite possibly the only regulation cricket ground in existence. And given that we just so happen to be in the area – [EUGENE WOODS coughs] Given that we’ve driven five hours out of our way to be in the area, fine, we’re heading over to Langbrook for a little spot of cricket.

But that’s not all. Zoe and I will be taking part in the game ourselves, and Eugene and Phil will be broadcasting live ball by ball commentary on the entire game. Yes, listeners, you heard me right. Radio Cabel will shortly be presenting the first live cricket commentary since the apocalypse. [laughs] It truly is a historic day.

EUGENE WOODS: Well, it’s hardly the rediscovery of nuclear power, Jack, but we’re glad you’re so excited.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I’m excited, too, Jack. It’s nice to make history, even if it’s just a bit of cricket history.

JACK HOLDEN: "Just a bit of cricket history"?! Phil! Phil, there’s no “just” in that sentence. Cricket is a game with an illustrious history, stretching right the way back to -

EUGENE WOODS: All right, all right, enough. Listeners, we’ll be back after this.

Right Out Of My Mouth

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hello, listeners, and welcome to Cricket Match Special. We’re here in the wonderful village of Langbrook, where you join us moments before we’re going to bring you the first live broadcast of a sporting event since the apocalypse. Joining me here in the commentary box – uh, van – is Eugene Woods. Eugene! Good morning, my dear old thing.

EUGENE WOODS: Good morning, Cheesers. It’s looking gorgeous out there, isn’t it?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I’ll say, I’ll say. We’ve got the two teams lining up the shake hands now. On our right hand side, we have the Langbrook Runners, led by Peter Matthews.

EUGENE WOODS: He’ll be keeping wicket, unusually.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Mm, don’t often see the captain keeping wicket, no. In fact, I believe the last time we saw that was Michael Denton in the 1984 Ashes, where he captained Bangladesh.

EUGENE WOODS: Of course, of course. What a great match that was. And on our left, we’ve got the Langbrook Shamblers, featuring our own Jack Holden and Zoe Crick as the first batsmen.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Holden and Crick both debutants. Interesting to see them at the top of the order.

EUGENE WOODS: Yep. You’ve got to imagine there was some back room dealing to lead to this situation.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [laughs] Well, we don’t like to speculate, but it certainly is unusual.

EUGENE WOODS: Right. Well, we’re ready for the toss, now. Umpire throwing the coin, and… yes, the Shamblers have won the toss, and they’ve elected to bat first.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I think that has to be the sensible decision. Looking at a pitch like this – lots of zip, lots of bounce – you really want to bat early on on a track like that.

EUGENE WOODS: You took the words right out of my mouth, Phil.

Four

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Welcome back, everyone! And what a great day of cricket this has turned out to be. Young Holden making a great show out there in the middle, currently sitting on a very impressive 46 runs from 50 deliveries. We have Alister Jordan at the other end, currently on six runs after Zoe Crick was dismissed, caught, and hit wicket for 19. We have five overs to go in this bit, and the Shamblers are at 71 for naught. Talk us through the fielders, Eugene.

EUGENE WOODS: Right, Phil, okay. So have a mid point, a square silly mid on saving the one short extra cover, three in the slip cordon, four around the bat on the leg side and two up behind the umpire sweeping on the boundary.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [whispers] That’s too many. [?]. [out loud] Thanks, Eugene! And Allison Brodick, the Runners’ star bowler is ready to send the first ball of the over down the old carpet track. Holden’s the batman on strike, takes his guard, and Brodick runs in… that’s a wide ball. Well outside. Holden lets it go by.

EUGENE WOODS: That’s a lovely shot by Holden, there. Very positive. Very elegant stroke. Tasty.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [whispers] Keep it PG, Gene.

EUGENE WOODS: And Brodick’s ready, running in again and – oh! Holden swung his bat at that beautifully and it’s rolling all the way. Will it get there? Yes! Yes! That’s… [whispers] four?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [whispers] Four.

EUGENE WOODS: Four runs! Oh, Holden brings up his 50! He looks very pleased out there. The crowd are applauding. He walks down the strip to touch gloves with Jordan at the other end. Oh, very good show from Holden. Very good indeed.

In Private

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, what a thrilling day of cricket that was. I have with me here star batsman of the day, Jack Holden, who made an impressive 65 naught out on his debut. Jack, how do you feel about the results?

JACK HOLDEN: Well, I feel really pleased, Phil. Really, really pleased with how we did out there. Uh, we really wanted the win, really tried hard for it, but uh, at the end of the day we just couldn’t make it happen with the ball.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Pleased with your debut 50?

JACK HOLDEN: Ah, really pleased. Really good, yeah. You know, it’s always – always nice to uh, make a big score, and to do it on my debut here is a really big honor, really. Really good. Really pleased with how we did out there, really, really tried hard for it, really… really good! [laughs]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [laughs] And I see we have here Allison Brodick walking up to us. Allison, here to talk about your bowling today?

ALLISON: Actually, Phil, I was hoping to talk to you all in private.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: In private?

ALLISON: Yes. I’ve come on behalf of our friend in London.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh. Oh. Oh, okay. One second. Guys!

Holiday

JACK HOLDEN: So, where next?

ZOE CRICK: Um, well… [paper rustles] we’re supposed to be at Northolt in about a week, but we’re not actually that far from there.

EUGENE WOODS: Cool! Well, we can take our time. Maybe a little sightseeing, take some time off.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, bit of time off does sound good.

JACK HOLDEN: So where should we go?

ZOE CRICK: What about - [paper rustles] here? Nearby. Looks like it should be pretty safe.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Looks nice. River nearby. Should have a pretty good view. Let’s do it.

EUGENE WOODS: Time for a holiday.

JACK HOLDEN: Nice.

Fire

JACK HOLDEN: Okay, so Phil and Zoe are going to catch some food -

ZOE CRICK: Yup.

JACK HOLDEN: - and me and Gene will get to work on a fire.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Properly hidden from prying eyes.

EUGENE WOODS: This isn’t our first time in the wilds, Philly boy.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I know, I know. I’m just being careful.

ZOE CRICK: Come on, you. I’ll need your help carrying back all the rabbits I’m going to catch.

EUGENE WOODS: Ooh, I’ll get the stew pot ready.

ZOE CRICK: Deal!

Do We?

JACK HOLDEN: [sighs] This is the life, isn’t it? Clear sky above us. Good fire to keep us warm. Sharing good food and good company with the people we love.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hear, hear.

ZOE CRICK: It’s not bad. Not bad at all. [sighs] Shame we have to go back, really.

EUGENE WOODS: ...Do we?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: ...Hmm. Do we?

ZOE CRICK: ...Hmm.

Goodbye, Fare Thee Well

(Plays if Season 3 Mission 52: Shiver Me Timbers has been completed.)

ZOE CRICK: [sings] “Oh, we’re homeward bound for Alderney town.”

OTHERS: [singing] “Goodbye, fare thee well, goodbye, fare thee well!”

ZOE CRICK: [sings] “Them Alderney people, they all will come down.”

OTHERS: [singing] “Hurrah, my boys, we’re homeward bound!”

ZOE CRICK: [sings] “We’re homeward bound for the comforts of town.”

OTHERS: [singing] “Goodbye, fare thee well, goodbye, fare thee well!”

ZOE CRICK: [sings] “So stamp up, my hearties, and heave her around.”

OTHERS: [singing] “Hurrah, my boys, we’re homeward bound!”

ZOE CRICK: [sings] “And one to another you’ll hear them all say - ”

OTHERS: [singing] “Goodbye, fare thee well, goodbye, fare thee well!”

ZOE CRICK: [sings] “Here comes Jack with his fourteen months pay.”

JACK HOLDEN: Hey!

OTHERS: [singing] “Hurrah, my boys, we’re homeward bound!”

ZOE CRICK: [sings] “We’re homeward bound and I’ll have you to know - ”

OTHERS: [singing] “Goodbye, fare thee well, goodbye, fare thee well!”

ZOE CRICK: [sings] “It’s over the water to England we’ll go.”

OTHERS: [singing] “Hurrah, my boys, we’re homeward bound! Hurrah, my boys, we’re homeward bound.”

[everyone laughs]

Onwards To Adventure

EUGENE WOODS: Listeners, we’re speaking to you now from the main deck of the Belafonte, as the sun sets on our first day on board. We’re still getting acquainted with our new home -

JACK HOLDEN: I’m still trying to figure out which one’s the poop deck. [laughs] Poop.

EUGENE WOODS: [laughs, mutters] Oh God. [out loud] And we’re still getting our sea legs. We know this is a big change of scenery for us and for the show, so we thought we’d check in and give you all a bit of context. Zoe?

ZOE CRICK: Thanks, Eugene. The Belafonte is a 92 meter motor yacht, custom built in Hamburg, and named after the ship in some film or other, apparently. She has a 15.8 meter beam, and a draft of -

PHIL CHEESEMAN: No, no. Zoe, come on! You might like all that technical stuff, but the listeners want some romance! Here, like this. Uh… the Belafonte, glimmering white, bounds across the azure ocean. Her curves and elegant prow mirror the waves below. Her um… uh…

JACK HOLDEN: Twin engines humming below us like breakers on sand, the water passes beneath us, t-the wind in our hair as we press onwards towards adventure.

[EUGENE WOODS laughs]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Nice.

JACK HOLDEN: Ta.

ZOE CRICK: And that’s where you find us, listeners. Moving at around 18 knots over an apparently very poetic ocean in a very definitely over-described boat.

EUGENE WOODS: We’ll be back later, everyone. Here’s a song for the sea.

Hurk.

JACK HOLDEN: Uh, try pinching the bridge of your nose.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I’m fine.

ZOE CRICK: No, that’s for a nose bleed.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I’m fine!

JACK HOLDEN: Well, I heard it worked for this as well.

EUGENE WOODS: You need to keep your eyes on the horizon, Phil.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I’m fine.

EUGENE WOODS: Just give it a try! You’ll feel better.

ZOE CRICK: Come on, Phil. We hate seeing you like this.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I’m fine, honestly. Just… just give me a minute.

JACK HOLDEN: You okay, bud? You’re looking a bit -

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Move! [vomits]

ZOE CRICK: [sighs] Well… I guess we need to try something else.

Looks Like Eugene

JACK HOLDEN: And descending the main staircase, we find ourselves in the central lounge area. Here we have two sets of sofas, one on each wall, very handsomely upholstered in what I’ve been assured is faux leather. Uh… ooh, the paneling in this room is cherry, which you can imagine plays very nicely off the brass railings on all of the staircases and around the island bar at the center of this space. This continues the theme of -

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Jack! Stop talking to yourself and get up here!

JACK HOLDEN: I’m not talking to myself, I’m doing our bloody job! I’m giving our listeners an audio tour of the boat!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh-huh. There’s a cloud that looks like Eugene.

JACK HOLDEN: Oh, damn it! Listeners, sorry. I have to see this! I’ll be right back.

So Cool

ZOE CRICK: Hey, Jack.

JACK HOLDEN: Oh, hey, Zo.

ZOE CRICK: What’s going on? You okay? You seem a bit down.

JACK HOLDEN: Not down. Just having a moment.

ZOE CRICK: Oh, okay. Want me to leave you be?

JACK HOLDEN: No, no. Just… can you see the land at all?

ZOE CRICK: Um… no. No. I think it must be over the horizon now.

JACK HOLDEN: Wow. I’ve never been this far from land before. This is amazing.

ZOE CRICK: Yeah. It’s pretty cool, huh?

JACK HOLDEN: So cool.

Ask You A Favour

EUGENE WOODS: Go ahead, give him a knock.

JACK HOLDEN: I’m nervous. You do it.

EUGENE WOODS: This was your idea.

JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, but he scares me.

EUGENE WOODS: Me, too.

JACK HOLDEN: Should we do it together?

EUGENE WOODS: Yeah, okay.

JACK HOLDEN: Okay, uh. Three, two, one. [knocks on door]

CAPTAIN: Come in.

[door opens]

JACK HOLDEN: Captain, sir, um… we’d like to ask you a favor.

Number Nine!

JACK HOLDEN: I do solemnly declare that I know not of any lawful impediment why I, Jack Holden, may not be joined in matrimony to Eugene Woods.

CAPTAIN: Mister Woods?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hey, Zoe. What’s going on? [ceremony continues in background] Oh, not this again. How many times is it now?

ZOE CRICK: Well, let’s see. There was the little chapel near Pendrington, the midnight wedding before we left Abel, the priest we ran into on the road -

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, on the shores of that lake!

ZOE CRICK: With the rabbi, right. I’ve lost track, to be honest. Maybe eight or nine?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Sounds about right. Which version are we doing today?

ZOE CRICK: Not sure yet. Let’s listen.

CAPTAIN: - exchanging of the vows. I believe you have written your own?

JACK HOLDEN: We have. Eugene, you are the wind in my sails.

ZOE CRICK: Oh.

JACK HOLDEN: You’re the spray on my ocean.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Of course.

JACK HOLDEN: You are my captain, my first mate, my even keel.

ZOE CRICK: Terrible sailing metaphors.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Over-stretched nautical metaphors.

JACK HOLDEN: I feel so lucky that we can set sail together on the voyage that is life.

CAPTAIN: [nervous laugh] Uh, Mister Woods?

EUGENE WOODS: Jack, with you, the dark clouds never seem to threaten. The harshest rain feels like a summer’s breeze. You are the life ring thrown to the drowning man. The calm waters after a storm. The… my home port.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Boo!

ZOE CRICK: Must try harder!

EUGENE WOODS: [laughs] What? Jack took all the good ones.

ZOE CRICK: Do the “references to your travels together” vows instead. They’re much better.

PHIIL CHEESEMAN: No, no, do the ones you did in that forest!

JACK HOLDEN: Oh yeah, they were great. [laughs] What was it?

EUGENE WOODS: “Though the rest of the world has ended - ”

JACK HOLDEN: “ - my world will never stop turning.” [laughs] Right. Right, should we start over?

ZOE CRICK: Just bloody kiss!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Come on, Captain. Seal the deal.

CAPTAIN: Um, okay. I now pronounce you… married?

[PHIL CHEESEMAN cheers]

ZOE CRICK: Yeah, number nine, here we go! Kiss, kiss!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss!

[EUGENE WOODS and JACK HOLDEN laugh and kiss]

PHIL CHEESEMAN AND ZOE CRICK cheer]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Married!

ZOE CRICK: Again!

Possibilities

ZOE CRICK: All right, listeners, welcome back. We’ve been on board a little while now, and we feel like we’re just about ready to give you our breakdown of the best and worst things about living on a boat. Let’s start with you, Eugene.

EUGENE WOODS: Okay, uh. Best thing: no fear of being eaten by zombies in your sleep. [laughs]

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] Well, of course. That’s a given. Your worst thing?

EUGENE WOODS: Trying desperately not to fall over all the time. I heard it took a while to get your sea legs, but do you have any idea how long it takes to get your sea crutches?

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] I don’t.

EUGENE WOODS: [laughs] Neither do I. I’ll let you know when it happens. What about you, Phil? Best thing?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, the ocean breeze.

EUGENE WOODS: Yeah? Fan of the wind in your hair?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, for sure. Nothing quite so invigorating. Really peps you up in the morning. Better than a cup of coffee.

EUGENE WOODS: I’m not sure anything’s better than a cup of coffee, but then, it’s been a while since I had one. What’s your worst thing?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh, having spent the first four days of the voyage chucking my guts up will take some beating.

ZOE CRICK: Yeah. Having to hold your hair back for four days is probably my low point, as well.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, it’s either the seasickness, or the chemical toilets.

JACK HOLDEN: Oh no, those are my favorite!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: What? They’re tiny and uncomfortable, and they have this really weird smell.

JACK HOLDEN: And they turn everything blue! Blue. Everything. It’s amazing.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, Jack. Never change.

JACK HOLDEN: Right back at you, Philly.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: All right, so, chemical toilets are your favorite?

JACK HOLDEN: Nah, just playing around. Uh, I think my favorite thing is Eugene’s hair when he’s been standing on deck for too long. [EUGENE WOODS laughs] And my worst is… well, I sort of miss trees, you know? Trees and green spaces, and… yeah. It’s a bit empty out here, really, isn’t it?

ZOE CRICK: It is. But I quite like that, all the open space. After so long cooped up in the same place, I like seeing the horizon and the open water. It makes me feel like there are… possibilities, you know?

EUGENE WOODS: Yeah. I like that. All right then, here’s a song for possibilities.

Catch You Later

[EUGENE WOODS whistles]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: It’s no good, Gene. There’s nothing out here. We’ve got plenty of food, anyway.

EUGENE WOODS: Oh, come on, Phil. You just have to be a little patient, is all. And fishing’s not about the food. It’s a meditative experience.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: It’s a frustrating experience.

EUGENE WOODS: Just try to relax. It’s about the journey, not the destination.

JACK HOLDEN: Hello, lads. Eugene’s not giving you his “just relax” speech again, is he, Phil?

EUGENE WOODS: Only a little. I thought it’d be nice to try our hand at a bit of fishing. Want to join us?

JACK HOLDEN: I’m good, thanks. Rachel’s teaching me and Zoe to play Mahjong. Do you want to come?

EUGENE WOODS: No. No, I’m fine. We’re having a good time, aren’t we, Phil?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: If that’s what you want to call it.

EUGENE WOODS: I do. We’re fine, Jack. We’ll catch up with you later.

JACK HOLDEN: Sure. You know you can’t avoid her forever, right?

EUGENE WOODS: What?

JACK HOLDEN: Rachel. I get that you’re nervous around her and stuff. She’s like your hero or whatever. But there’s only 12 of us on this boat, and God knows how much longer it’s going to take to get to where we’re going. You’re going to have to spend some time with her eventually.

EUGENE WOODS: Yeah. Yeah, okay. Yeah. You’re right. Just… not right now.

JACK HOLDEN: [laughs] Fine. Whenever you’re ready, hot shot. Catch you both later. … Come on. Nothing for “catch you later,” while you’re fishing?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You got the reaction you deserve, Jack.

JACK HOLDEN: Ooh, ouch! All right, guys. Later.

Season

RACHEL DENNIS: So if you draw a flower or a season, you have to announce it and place it to one side.

JACK HOLDEN: Oh, like one of these?

RACHEL DENNIS: Exactly.

ZOE CRICK: But then we just keep on playing as normal?

RACHEL DENNIS: Almost. You have to draw another tile first to make sure you have 14.

ZOE CRICK: Oh, sure.

[a knock on the door]

RACHEL DENNIS: Come in. [visitor murmurs] Oh, excellent.

JACK HOLDEN: Wait, are we there?

RACHEL DENNIS: No, not quite. We’re making a little pit stop.

ZOE CRICK: Is it safe?

RACHEL DENNIS: Oh yes, quite safe. In fact, Zoe, I’d appreciate your company on deck if you’ll join me.

ZOE CRICK: Oh. Um, sure.

Kids

EUGENE WOODS: Hey, Jack. Are we stopping?

RACHEL DENNIS: We are, Eugene.

EUGENE WOODS: Oh, hi.

RACHEL DENNIS: No need to worry. We’re just here to make a collection.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: What sort of collection?

JACK HOLDEN: Your guess is as good as mine, Phil.

RACHEL DENNIS: Zoe, will you join me over here? I’d like you to see this.

ZOE CRICK: Of course. But what’s this all about? I mean… oh God. It can’t be!

RACHEL DENNIS: It is.

ZOE CRICK: Sean? Lucy? Marcus? How? I don’t -

RACHEL DENNIS: I’m a woman of means, Zoe. If I can’t use some of my resources to bring a family back together, then I don’t know what use they are.

ZOE CRICK: I-I can’t… thank you! Oh God, thank you!

RACHEL DENNIS: No need to thank me. I only hope they’ll be comfortable enough in your cabin for the rest of the journey. Well, aren’t you going to say hello?

ZOE CRICK: I, um… yeah. Yeah! [runs to children]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Wow. Don’t think I’ve ever seen her look so happy.

EUGENE WOODS: Can you blame her?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: No, not at all. It’s… it’s nice to see the people you love happy.

JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, it really is.

To Live

PHIL CHEESEMAN: There! See?

EUGENE WOODS: I’m not seeing it.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: It’s right there. Look! Look, use your eyes. Look where I’m pointing.

EUGENE WOODS: I’m not seeing anything, Phil.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: It’s a bloody satellite, I tell you! Right there!

EUGENE WOODS: I don’t think satellites would still be up there, Phil.

JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, Phil.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, well, get stuffed, the both of you. Teach me to try and show you something exciting.

ZOE CRICK: Evening, boys.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hey, Zo. How are the young ones settling in?

ZOE CRICK: Great. Yeah, they’re doing great. It’s just so… great, having them here! I can’t tell you. I’m over the moon.

EUGENE WOODS: It’s really nice seeing you all together, Zoe.

JACK HOLDEN: Happy endings do happen.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I guess they do, even now. … Do you think we did the right thing?

ZOE CRICK: What?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Leaving. Do you think we did the right thing, leaving?

ZOE CRICK: Oh, Phil.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: No, I know, it’s just… all those people we abandoned -

JACK HOLDEN: We had no choice, Phil. We didn’t make them any safer by being there. We couldn’t have stopped what happened, and we can’t help with it now. The Ministry was using us. Amelia was using us. Our homes are under constant attack, caught up in politics, mind control…

We didn’t abandon Abel and New Canton, Phil. We escaped. And I hope we get to go back there one day, to see all the people we miss, to relive old memories. But for now, we’re doing the only thing we can do: we’re making a life for ourselves, a new one. And isn’t that the most important thing? To live.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Okay.

Land Ho!

ZOE CRICK: Land ho!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You don’t have to shout that, Zo. We all see it.

ZOE CRICK: It’s fun, try it. Land ho!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Land ho! [laughs] Yeah, you’re right.

JACK HOLDEN: Hey, you know you don’t have to shout that. We can all see it.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: That’s what I said, but it’s fun! You should try it.

JACK HOLDEN: All right.

ALL THREE: Land ho!

JACK HOLDEN: Land ho!

ZOE CRICK: Land ho!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Land ho!

EUGENE WOODS: You guys, you guys. You don’t have to shout it. We can all see it.

JACK HOLDEN and PHIL CHEESEMAN: That’s what I said!

Home

EUGENE WOODS: This is it, guys.

JACK HOLDEN: Alderney.

ZOE CRICK: Home.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Just when I was getting my sea legs, as well. [laughs]

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] You could spend ten years on that boat and never get those.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, I’d stopped throwing up, at least.

ZOE CRICK: I’ll give you that.

JACK HOLDEN: Time to disembark. Shall we?

EUGENE WOODS: Let’s do it. Everybody got their stuff?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yup.

JACK HOLDEN: Yeah.

ZOE CRICK: I do. Although I don’t know why I’m stuck carrying this bloody transmitter around.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You pulled the short straw.

ZOE CRICK: Yeah, but why can’t we just turn it off and come back for it later?

JACK HOLDEN: Because then we’d miss the radio dynamite that is us exploring our new home.

ZOE CRICK: Oh, fine.

EUGENE WOODS: Right then. Here we go.

Our Palace

ZOE CRICK: Kids! Don’t run too far!

JACK HOLDEN: What? Is this us?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: This is the address Rachel gave us.

EUGENE WOODS: Oh man, it’s massive!

JACK HOLDEN: This can’t be right. You could fit like, 20 people in there.

ZOE CRICK: Maybe if we were still back at Abel. Have you forgotten how people used to live? This is just a normal house, guys.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Normal palace, maybe.

ZOE CRICK: If it’s a palace, it’s our palace. Come on. Let’s get our stuff inside.

Sorry Zoe!

EUGENE WOODS: Dibs! We call dibs on this room!

JACK HOLDEN: Ooh, what do we get? Ooh, nice!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: If you’ve taken the only en-suite, Eugene, I am going to be very cross!

EUGENE WOODS: I need my facilities to be close, Philip! Missing a leg?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, oh, you only bring that bloody thing up when it suits you. The rest of the time, it’s all, “don’t tell me what I can’t do.”

ZOE CRICK: Would you lot mind cutting it out with the shouting? I’m trying to set up this equipment and you’re blowing my bloody eardrums off.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Sorry, Zoe!

EUGENE WOODS: Sorry, Zoe!

Of Course

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Really? This is the spot you chose?

ZOE CRICK: It is. Pass me that cable.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: But it’s a bloody airing cupboard. I can barely breathe in here. Can’t we do it in the kitchen or something?

ZOE CRICK: Kitchen’s too noisy. This is the best place to set the transmitter up. Easy to run cables to the antenna on the roof, picks up radio mic signals from all around the house.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You’ve got an answer for everything, don’t you?

ZOE CRICK: Of course. [laughs] You should know that by now, Cheeseman.

[PHIL CHEESEMAN laughs]

Across The Channel

JACK HOLDEN: Ready?

EUGENE WOODS: I’m ready. Guys?

ZOE CRICK: Yup.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Ready, Gene.

JACK HOLDEN: Okay, here we go. [clears throat, imitates trumpet fanfare]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Welcome, Cablers! Whether you’ve been with us since the early days or are just joining us now, we want to welcome you to our brand new base of operations.

ZOE CRICK: That’s right, everyone. You’re joining us now for our first real broadcast from the island of Alderney, here in our lovely new home.

EUGENE WOODS: Now, it’s been a long road to get here, and a longer road still before that. From the early days at Abel when this was just Jack’s pet project to stop me from feeling useless -

JACK HOLDEN: Oh, hey, no. Janine and the Major asked me to sort this out, to lift spirits and stuff. [imitates the Major] “Morale is very important, Mister Holden,” you know. That’s what she said.

EUGENE WOODS: Jack, I know. It’s okay, you don’t have to pretend. It was… it was exactly what I needed.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: It was what we all needed.

EUGENE WOODS: And now, after all this time, here we are.

ZOE CRICK: Here we are.

JACK HOLDEN: And it’s from here that we’ll be bringing you all the usual radio dynamite. Fear not, listeners. We may be in a different country -

ZOE CRICK: Nope.

JACK HOLDEN: No? Oh, uh, all right. Well, we may be on the other side of the ocean - no? Well, where are we, even? I thought we were in France.

ZOE CRICK: Small island, across the Channel. Near France, still Britain.

JACK HOLDEN: Right. Well, uh, we may be on a small island that’s near France but is still Britain, and things might be uh, you know, a little bit more sporadic while we get moved in, but we’re still dedicated to bring you the same Radio Cabel you’ve always known and loved.

EUGENE WOODS: And with that, it’s time for some music.

Bacon.

JACK HOLDEN: And next up on the tour of the house, listeners, is the kitchen, where we find our old friend Eugene cooking up a storm. [food hits pan and sizzles] Hey there, Mister Chef. Why don’t you tell our listeners what you’re cooking?

EUGENE WOODS: Bacon.

JACK HOLDEN: What?

EUGENE WOODS: Bacon.

JACK HOLDEN: Like, pig? Bacon?

EUGENE WOODS: Like pig bacon.

JACK HOLDEN: What?

EUGENE WOODS: Bernadette down the hill keeps pigs, gave us some bacon as a welcome gift.

JACK HOLDEN: What?

EUGENE WOODS: Bacon, Jack. Smell the bacon. Mm, bacon.

JACK HOLDEN: What?

Chicken Coop

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hand us that hammer, Zo.

ZOE CRICK: This one?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah. Right. So now we nail the crossbeam in place. [hammers nail into board] And voila. That, listeners, is how you make a chicken coop.

ZOE CRICK: Very nice. All right, give me a go.

Sleep Well, Kids

ZOE CRICK: “The moon was riding in a cloudy heaven when Peter rose from his tree, begirt with weapons and wearing little else, to set out upon his perilous quest. It was not such a night as he would have chosen. He had hoped to fly, keeping not far from the ground so that nothing unwonted should escape his eyes; but in that fitful light, to have flown low would have meant trailing his shadow through the trees, thus disturbing birds and acquainting a watchful foe that he was astir.” Sleep well, kids.

Slap

PHIL CHEESEMAN: So basically, what you’re looking for is which part of the clue is the straight clue and which part is the cryptic clue. At least, as a general rule.

JACK HOLDEN: Right, so the uh, the straight clue is just like a normal crossword clue -

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Mmhmm.

JACK HOLDEN: - and the cryptic clue is like, how to make the answer?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Head of the class! Exactly.

JACK HOLDEN: Sweet, cool! So, okay. Okay, I think I’m getting it. So, this one -

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh, “return friends makeup”, four letters.

JACK HOLDEN: Yeah. So, so, this is the bit -

EUGENE WOODS: Hey, guys. Are you forgetting something?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh… is it our turn to do the dishes?

EUGENE WOODS: No, you doofus. Maybe you should explain to the listeners what you’re actually doing.

JACK HOLDEN: Oh! Sorry, Gene. Sorry, listeners. Got a bit absorbed.

EUGENE WOODS: No problem. Uh, dinner’s in 20.

JACK HOLDEN: Nice. So, so listeners, um -

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I was just sharing with Jack one of my favorite pastimes, the cryptic crossword.

JACK HOLDEN: Right. It’s different from normal crosswords because instead of having to know the answers, um… well, you can work them out. And when you get them, you know you’ve got them because the clue confirms its own answer?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Nice. So, as I was saying, you’re looking for a straight clue and a cryptic clue. Our example here -

JACK HOLDEN: “Return friends makeup,” four letters.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Right. In this example, the straight clue is – Jack?

JACK HOLDEN: Oh, um… makeup?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Exactly. So…

JACK HOLDEN: So we’re looking for a word that means makeup, but also is uh… sorry.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: But it’s also a word for friends, backwards.

JACK HOLDEN: Right, right. Uh, because of “return.” Bang on. So… chum? [mutters] No, because “muhc” isn’t a word. [out loud] Uh…

PHIL CHEESEMAN: What about - ?

JACK HOLDEN: No! No, no, give me a second. Uh, yes. Slap! [laughs]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Heck yeah, it’s slap!

JACK HOLDEN: Ooh yeah! Crossword master Jack, booyah!

Lovely Shot

[Sean hits cricket ball]

EUGENE WOODS: Nice job, Sean! We’ve got a future Jack Holden on our hands, here.

JACK HOLDEN: It’s not bad, not bad. Just keep your head forward, over your front leg. You’ll get a much better swing. Right, here it comes. Ready?

[Sean hits cricket ball]

EUGENE WOODS: [laughs] All the way to the boundary, listeners! Lovely shot.

JACK HOLDEN: Yeah! [?] That’s what I’m talking about.

Thanks

ZOE CRICK: Come on, Phil! I need those shingles up here or we’ll never have this roof fixed in time for winter.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: All right, keep your pants on. They’re coming up.

ZOE CRICK: Thanks! [hammers nails]

Perfecto

PHIL CHEESEMAN: What’s that you’re putting in now?

EUGENE WOODS: Basil, from Jack and Zoe’s herb garden.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, nice. You’re going to let that simmer, right?

EUGENE WOODS: You got it.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Okay.

EUGENE WOODS: Here, taste.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Perfecto!

EUGENE WOODS: Mm.

Sheep

JACK HOLDEN: - says he’s expecting a decent rainfall in the next few weeks, so probably ought to get them planted tomorrow, haven’t we?

ZOE CRICK: Good idea. We could do with spending some time cleaning out the coops, as well.

EUGENE WOODS: I can sort that out. You two have got your hands full on the garden.

ZOE CRICK: You sure, Gene?

EUGENE WOODS: Yeah. It’ll do me good to stretch the leg a bit. Can’t spend all day cooped up in the kitchen.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: What’s that noise?

EUGENE WOODS: What noise?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: That beeping noise?

JACK HOLDEN: Smoke detector?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: As if there are still working smoke detectors, Jack.

JACK HOLDEN: All right! Just trying to help.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: There it is again.

JACK HOLDEN: Oh yeah!

ZOE CRICK: Oh God. I know what that is. Mics are running out of battery.

OTHERS: Oh yeah…

EUGENE WOODS: It’s funny. You forget you’re wearing these things, don’t you?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah. Should I stick them on to charge?

ZOE CRICK: No, it’s okay. I’ll hook them up in the cupbord before I go to bed.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Cool.

JACK HOLDEN: Right then, whose turn is it? Papa needs some sheep to build a settlement.

Night!

[mics beep]

JACK HOLDEN: [yawns] All right, guys, I’m off to bed.

ZOE CRICK: Good night, Jack.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Night!

EUGENE WOODS: I’ll be in after I finish this chapter.

JACK HOLDEN: No worries. See you in the morning.

Come Here

[mics beep]

EUGENE WOODS: It’s weird, isn’t it?

JACK HOLDEN: What is? That flippy thing your hair is doing or the way you’re hogging all the covers? [laughs]

EUGENE WOODS: [laughs] No, dummy. Just… this. How far we’ve come.

JACK HOLDEN: Yeah. Yeah. Never would have thought we’d have gone from that cramped old shack to this place.

EUGENE WOODS: No.

JACK HOLDEN: Remember the way you were the first few days?

EUGENE WOODS: [laughs] Hey, now.

JACK HOLDEN: [imitates EUGENE WOODS] “Um, uh, I’m Eugene Woods. Um, uh, this is Radio Abel.”

EUGENE WOODS: Aha, very funny, Mister “Falls Asleep On Mic.”

JACK HOLDEN: That was a fear-based nap! A reaction to how worried I was about you. A compassion snooze.

EUGENE WOODS: Whatever you say, love. … I still can’t believe you did all this for me. This… this saved my life.

JACK HOLDEN: Eugene Benjamin Woods, if you think there’s anything I wouldn’t do for you, you are an even bigger idiot than I thought.

EUGENE WOODS: Oh, come here!

Quiet

[mics beep]

[door opens, footsteps]

The End

EUGENE WOODS: Jack, can you get me the carboys? I need to transfer this batch before I set the next one on to brew.

JACK HOLDEN: Are they in the cupboard?

EUGENE WOODS: Uh, I think so. Have a look.

[footsteps, door creaks open]

JACK HOLDEN: [rummages] Carboys. Carboys… [laughs] Is this old thing still on?

[mic clicks off]

Red Eye

(Plays if Season 3 Mission 2: The Safety Dance has been completed and Season 3 Mission 25: The Road Goes Ever On And On has not been completed.)

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hello, ci-ti-zens, and welcome to Newsfright, our new segment in which we discuss the news and rumors from here in Fraternal Alliance land.

ZOE CRICK: We’ll be bringing you all the latest news as it happens, because what you don’t know can kill you. Here’s Jack with our top story for today.

JACK HOLDEN: Well, listeners, today’s news is a real blast from the past. Now, it seems our old friend Red Eye is back! And, more importantly, he’s real.

ZOE CRICK: Who the heck is Red Eye?

EUGENE WOODS: Oh, it’s some stupid rumor Jack heard about ages ago.

JACK HOLDEN: What?

EUGENE WOODS: A person who got bitten, but instead of turning, gained superhuman powers and can control zombies now.

ZOE CRICK: Ooh… spooky.

JACK HOLDEN: Listen, it’s not a stupid rumor, because… because right, Adrien – you know, the guy in the bunk next to us, Runner Thirty-one? - now look, he was out yesterday and he said he saw this guy running around holding his hand out to the zoms, and they were just doing his bidding! Look, look, at one point, right, apparently he got them all to just jump off a cliff. Like lemmings! Boom! Proof. Red Eye.

ZOE CRICK: I don’t know. Magical powers? Surely there’s a scientific explanation for that. Weren’t the folk at Abel working on some kind of zombie repellent spray?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: No no no, that was a spray that put the zoms to sleep! They aren’t cats, Zoe. You can’t just spritz them until they stop clawing the furniture.

EUGENE WOODS: You’re both wrong. And it doesn’t matter, though. Whatever the real explanation is, there’s no way that that was Red Eye! He’s just a campfire story.

JACK HOLDEN: Oh yeah, yeah yeah, and I suppose the story Adrien told me about how they found Red Eye cryogenically frozen inside a top secret government facility hidden under a dam is just a campfire story as well.

EUGENE WOODS: Yes! 100%!

JACK HOLDEN: No!

ZOE CRICK: It does sound like that guy’s a bit crazy, Jack.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: And that’s your headline news for today. In politics now, rumors abound that Abel’s expecting the arrival of a new head honcho following the tragic death of previous commander, Major De Santa. Speculation is rife about who this might be, from where they are being sent, and whether or not this marks a sea change in the fight to retake Britain.

ZOE CRICK: Thanks, Phil. That’s all for today, folks. We’ll be back after this.

Smoke Monster

(Plays if Season 3 Mission 3: Rescue Me has been completed and Season 3 Mission 25: The Road Goes Ever On And On has not been completed.)

EUGENE WOODS: It’s that time, everyone: your regular update with all the latest news from, well, our area. It’s time for Newsfright. Zoe?

ZOE CRICK: Our hot story today, listeners: a mysterious crash, sounds in the forest, and a daring rescue. According to top sources in New Canton’s dining hall, witnesses reported seeing a helicopter come down over the forest near Abel Township. A short while later, our sources tell us a series of loud noises were heard, followed by a group of runners, seemingly from Abel, retreating from the scene. Here with some rampant speculation, it’s Jack Holden and Phil Cheeseman.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: What’s your take on this story, Jack?

JACK HOLDEN: Well, I think all signs point towards a smoke monster infestation in that forest, Phil.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hey, easy there. That kind of reckless speculation could cause panic amongst our listeners. Do you have any evidence?

JACK HOLDEN: Well, as everybody knows, smoke monsters are highly territorial, and often target light aircraft. Now, a native forest creature, the smoke monster can be recognized by its distinctive mating call – the sound of trees falling over near dramatic events.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: And what is your response to claims that this was an aviation disaster which caused structural damage to several trees in the forest area, causing them to topple due to the weight of the helicopter, which had become lodged in their branches?

JACK HOLDEN: Well, Phil, I don’t think science can prove it one way or another.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Thanks, Jack.

JACK HOLDEN: Thanks, Phil.

EUGENE WOODS: Sports news now. New Canton’s Archie Jensen’s memorial hide and seek championship played out yesterday. Hot favorite Sophie Baker was eliminated early in the game after being discovered hiding inside one of the greenhouses, leaving the field wide open. A spate of eliminations quickly followed, with popular hiding spots including the trees near the duck pond and underneath the bunks in housing units nine through eleven.

The contest continued, as per Miss Jensen’s last wishes, until only one hider remained: young Thomas Rice, who stayed hidden for five hours and forty-two minutes to claim the victory. Our congratulations to him. That’s all from us today. Your regular programming will resume after this.

Fusion Power

(Plays if Season 3 Mission 6: Career Day has been completed and Season 3 Mission 25: The Road Goes Ever On And On has not been completed.)

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Welcome back, citizens. It’s time for another Newsfright segment. Here’s Eugene Woods your headlines.

EUGENE WOODS: Thanks, Phil. We have an extraordinary story for you today, guys. Our sources tell us that a team of runners was recently dispatched from Abel Township to investigate sightings of a giant robot in the vicinity. It has also been reported that the runners came under threat from hostiles in the local area, but were rescued in the nick of time by said giant robot. For more on this story, we go to our technology correspondent, Zoe Crick.

ZOE CRICK: Thanks, Eugene. Details are scant at the moment, but as far as we can tell, this machine is quite simply unlike anything we’ve ever encountered before. Reports are that the robot stands 15 feet tall, and has been seen using some kind of green laser-like beam to, and I quote, “Totally, like, evaporate zombies.”

JACK HOLDEN: Zoe, is there any word on whether this robot is using a fusion power source, or some other conventional fuel?

ZOE CRICK: Not yet, Jack, but I’d suggest that fusion is the likeliest option here, given the power potentially required to run a laser of the size and intensity we might be talking about here, if our sources our correct.

JACK HOLDEN: Mmhmm. Yeah, that makes complete sense. Thanks, Zoe.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Entertainment news now. And local toddler Nancy Carlyle has been thrilling residents of New Canton with her animal impressions. The two year old resident of Unit Seven is said to have an extensive repertoire, including ducks, sheep, dogs, and cows. [stifles laughter] Performances daily from lunch until naptime. That’s it from us, today. Thanks to Eugene Woods, Zoe Crick, and Jack Holden. I’ve been Phil Cheeseman, and this has been Newsfright.

Odd Socks

(Plays if Season 3 Mission 10: The Man Who Sold the World has been completed and Season 3 Mission 25: The Road Goes Ever On And On has not been completed.)

JACK HOLDEN: And now, we bring you another installment of Newsfright. Here’s Phil Cheeseman with your top story.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Thanks, Jack. Today we bring you a tale of intrigue, kidnap, and terror, as the Phantom of Abel strikes again. Friends of eyewitnesses in Abel have told our sources that strange noises have been heard late at night around the township recently, with residents waking the next day to find various valuables missing. These incidents have been popularly ascribed to the so-called Phantom of Abel, we’re told.

Our sources have reported hearing from runners in the field that later, an odd figure matching the Phantom’s rumored description was seen shortly before Abel’s Runner Five disappeared while out on a run. Here to discuss the Phantom’s motives are Eugene Woods and Zoe Crick.

EUGENE WOODS: Thanks, Phil. It seems clear to me that the Phantom aims to take Runner Five hostage until certain demands are met by those at Abel Township. Until those demands are communicated to us, however, we can but speculate on what they might be. Zoe?

ZOE CRICK: Thanks, Eugene. I think we can all agree that these demands are highly likely to be connected to the Phantom’s well-discussed love of personal trinkets, broken electronics, and odd socks. There’s an expectation that the Phantom is going to be asking for one item of emotional significance from every resident of Abel, along with at least 12 locks of hair.

EUGENE WOODS: [shudders] Chilling stuff. And what of the baseless accusations that the Phantom could be nothing more than a popular myth used to explain the disappearance of many unrelated objects?

ZOE CRICK: I see no reason to give those further creedence by commenting on them.

EUGENE WOODS: Of course. Thanks for your time, Zoe. We’ll be back shortly.

Cupid

(Plays if Season 3 Mission 11: Stray Cat Strut has been completed and Season 3 Mission 25: The Road Goes Ever On And On has not been completed.)

EUGENE WOODS: And now, we bring you another installment of Newsfright, our regular news feature in which we -

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Zoe’s got a boyfriend.

ZOE CRICK: Phil.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [sing-song voice] Boyfriend, boyfriend, Zoe’s got a boyfriend.

ZOE CRICK: He’s just some kid who’s -

EUGENE WOODS: - update you on the latest news from Abel and the New Canton area. Here with today’s headline is Jack - oh, what’s the point.

ZOE CRICK: - he’s not my boyfriend.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well you may say that, but we all know the truth, Zoe. You found love where you least expected it: after the apocalypse.

ZOE CRICK: You’re an idiot.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, sorry. Eugene, were you - ?

EUGENE WOODS: Trying to do Newsfright? Yes.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Sorry. Go ahead.

EUGENE WOODS: [sighs] Here’s Jack Holden with your headline story.

JACK HOLDEN: Thanks, Eugene. And our top story today is that our own Zoe Crick has totally found a lovey dovey boyfriend woyfriend, with whom she’s absolutely going to be locking lips later in an abandoned sewage treatment plant. Now, our sources indicate that Cupid has indeed been sighted in the air, and I quote, “His aim has never been better.” [laughs] We pass over to our top correspondent de l'amour, Philip “Cassanova” Cheeseman, for more insight.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Thanks, Jack. Judging by the alignment of Jupiter with -

ZOE CRICK: Enough. Enough, okay? Okay? You’ve had your jokes. I get it. Very funny. [humorless laugh] But can we please stop titting around and get back to our jobs? Please?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, sure.

JACK HOLDEN: Sorry. Sorry.

ZOE CRICK: Thank you. Eugene, music.

EUGENE WOODS: Is he cute?

[JACK HOLDEN and PHIL CHEESEMAN laugh]

Airports

(Plays if Season 3 Mission 12: Ready to Start has been completed and Season 3 Mission 25: The Road Goes Ever On And On has not been completed.)

JACK HOLDEN: Welcome back to Newsfright, listeners. Today’s top story is something a little special, in that our top reporters, Phil and Zoe, are also our firsthand sources. Phil, do you want to tell us what happened?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh, thanks, Jack. Well, Zoe and I were on our way to the Invasive Species Council meeting – her first time at one of New Canton’s many important and exciting democratic committees -

ZOE CRICK: It’s a meeting about bloody weeds, Phil. Don’t get too excited.

JACK HOLDEN: Look, I’m sure the uh, Invading Special Countries meeting is very important, Phil. Please, continue.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: So I was very kindly taking Zoe to her first meeting when we came across none other than our old friend, Runner Five.

ZOE CRICK: Who was kind enough not to make fun of me for the entire trip back from the warehouse the other day, which is more than I can say for you, Phil.

JACK HOLDEN: Runner Five is certainly very discreet, yes. What happened next?

ZOE CRICK: Well, Five needs some piece of paper signed or other.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: A motion to second vital resources.

ZOE CRICK: Whatever. So Phil leads us to this random room with some grumpy old geezer in it, and gets him to sign the paper. To be honest, I’m really not sure why it’s news. Just some bureaucratic nonsense.

JACK HOLDEN: Ah, well, here’s the interesting part: as Phil explained, such a requisition would only be necessary were the relevant resources to be needed for work far away from New Canton, which means that Runner Five and – and who was it?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh uh, Nadia.

JACK HOLDEN: Nadia, right. Which means Runner Five and Nadia are going on a real road trip! So, where are they going, and why? Why would Abel Township send one of its most prized runners so far away? Here with an analysis, it’s Eugene Woods.

EUGENE WOODS: Thanks, Jack. Well, here’s what we know: Runner Five is, of course, one of the most skilled and reliable runners at either township, and has been involved in many actions involving large machinery and aircraft. Aircraft like those which Nadia supervised prior to the outbreak in her role as an air traffic controller. It’s plain as the nose on your face, Jack, Runner Five and Nadia are on a mission to reopen one of the nearby commercial airfields to allow supplies to arrive from America and Europe.

JACK HOLDEN: So we can all expect plenty of hot dogs and baseball caps in our future.

[everyone laughs]

EUGENE WOODS: I can’t think of any earthly reason why not.

JACK HOLDEN: Thanks, Eugene. That’s all for now, folks. We’ll be back shortly.

Sunshine

(Plays if Season 3 Mission 13: Autopilot has been completed and Season 3 Mission 25: The Road Goes Ever On And On has not been completed.)

EUGENE WOODS: It’s time for Newsfright now, bringing you the latest news as it happens. Here’s Phil with our top story.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Thanks, Eugene. The big news today is rumors of a new technology being trialed over at Abel Township. Our sources tell us that Abel has been testing a new automated operator system, which sees runners in the field being guided by pre-recorded messages from their operators, potentially allowing many more simultaneous missions. Here with analysis is our resident tech expert, Zoe Crick.

ZOE CRICK: Thanks, Phil. Reports from Abel indicate it’s likely initial trials have been an overwhelming success. The new automated system, which uses a recently rediscovered artificial intelligence system nicknamed “Sunshine”, has outperformed human operators by up to 75% in most key categories.

Commentators have noted that with the current pace of improvement, all operational duties could be delegated to this system in as little as five weeks.

JACK HOLDEN: And what of the speculation that this system will lead to increased unemployment? Are we worried about sentient robot computers overtaking the human worker when it comes to the traditional backbones of the economy, such as running, killing zombies, and presenting radio shows?

ZOE CRICK: The thing our listeners need to understand, Jack, is that this is a specialized system created for only one task. While it is certainly theoretically possible that Sunshine could be taught to take over many of the jobs you listed, this isn’t likely in the near future.

JACK HOLDEN: Thanks, Zoe. You’ve reassured me that my job is safe, and now I can wholeheartedly support our new robot overlords.

EUGENE WOODS: In other local news, New Canton residents are perplexed today by the recent spate of graffiti appearing around the settlement. Analysis suggests that the widespread appearance of the phrase, “El Barto” spray painted onto walls around New Canton is indeed a reference to hit pre-outbreak television comedy, The Simpsons. The question remains, however, who is this vandalous bandit, what are their motives, and where are they getting the paint from? We’ll be back with more after this.

Laughter

(Plays if Season 3 Mission 13: Autopilot has been completed and Season 3 Mission 25: The Road Goes Ever On And On has not been completed.)

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Greeting, ci-ti-zens. And welcome to the test broadcast of the automated radio host operation. Beginning introduction.

ZOE CRICK: Interruption in order to elaborate on introduction.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Spiky but friendly counter-interruption. Continuation of main theme.

EUGENE WOODS: Elaboration on main theme, including amusing personal reminiscence.

ALL: Laughter.

JACK HOLDEN: Very slightly sexual reference.

EUGENE WOODS: Mildly embarrassed agreement.

JACK HOLDEN and EUGENE WOODS: Flirty laughter.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Interruption in order to prevent further embarrassment. Attempt to get discussion back on topic.

ZOE CRICK: Comment on fellow host’s repression.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Refusal of comment on repression. Slight annoyance.

JACK HOLDEN: Attempt to break the tension with a relevant joke.

EUGENE WOODS: Comment on quality of the joke.

ALL: Laughter.

JACK HOLDEN: This is rubbish, isn’t it?

EUGENE WOODS: I really don’t see the appeal.

ZOE CRICK: It’ll never catch on.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You just can’t beat the human touch, can you?

JACK HOLDEN: Mm, I’ll say.

EUGENE WOODS: Easy, there!

ZOE CRICK: All right, all right. [laughs] So, a failed experiment?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Most definitely.

EUGENE WOODS: Time for some music, then.

JACK HOLDEN: Do it!

Zoo

(Plays if Season 3 Mission 14: Keeper of Secrets has been completed and Season 3 Mission 25: The Road Goes Ever On And On has not been completed.)

JACK HOLDEN: Hello, everyone, and welcome to Newsfright. The big news today: mysterious research, cross-township cooperation, and a new obsession for Abel comms man, Sam Yao. Here with more information is Zoe Crick.

ZOE CRICK: Thanks, Jack. Sources in New Canton report that Sam Yao, famed comms operator at Abel Township, has been in touch requesting information on various species of big cats. Local zoologist, Brandon Drakes, was apparently asked to consult via radio on the hunting habits of lions, tigers, and other large predators. Speculation suggests that Mister Yao is preparing for the intake of a number of animals who have been abandoned in a nearby zoo, and is planning to create his own circus-style touring animal show.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Zoe, would it be right in saying that this proposed circus poses a significant threat to those quiet, law-abiding citizens who find themselves living nearby?

ZOE CRICK: Phil, I think that’s a legitimate concern. But given the depth of Mister Yao’s research, we can only assume that all relevant precautions will be taken to ensure that there are no unnecessary fatalities related to the circus -

EUGENE WOODS: Sorry, I’m going to have to butt in here.

ZOE CRICK: No, no, go ahead.

EUGENE WOODS: I think we need to take a moment to consider the welfare of these animals! Mister Yao has no history as a zookeeper, and given the conditions at Abel Township, I can’t see these animals being well-cared for. I’m going to have to voice my opinion here and say that this circus is not a good idea!

JACK HOLDEN: Wow. Lively debate, there, thanks to Zoe, Phil, and Eugene. Weather news, now. And the cloud that looks like a dinosaur can still be seen to the southwest of New Canton. All residents are advised to go catch a glimpse of this sky-bound wonder before it disappears for good. I’ve been Jack Holden and this has been Newsfright. We’ll be back after this.

Rest Easy

(Plays if Season 3 Mission 19: Descent has been completed and Season 3 Mission 25: The Road Goes Ever On And On has not been completed.)

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Here we are again, citizens. It’s time for your regular dose of current affairs. It’s Newsfright. And here’s Eugene Woods with your top story.

EUGENE WOODS: Thanks, Phil. According to rumors here at New Canton, a motorcycle was recently seen departing Abel at high speed, heading off to an unknown mission. Our sources lead us to believe that said motorcycle is being ridden by none other than Janine De Luca herself.

De Luca is said to be riding out to rescue a runner who has been waylaid with some high value electronics recently recovered from an old research facility. For the bigwigs at Abel to authorize the use of precious fuel, we can be certain that those are some valuable pieces of tech. Our technology correspondent, Zoe Crick, joins us with more information. Zoe?

ZOE CRICK: Thanks, Eugene. Given the fact that Janine has left Abel herself in order to recover these pieces, we can be sure that they are not only incredibly valuable, but also potentially very unstable. This leads us to assume that the object in question is, in fact, nothing less than a fully-fledged fusion bomb.

EUGENE WOODS: Whoa. So Abel’s planning to go nuclear?

ZOE CRICK: Could be, Eugene. Could be. Of course, it could simply be the case that Abel is going to such lengths to recover this bomb because they’re afraid of it falling into the wrong hands, but it’s simply too soon to tell.

EUGENE WOODS: Goodness, should we be worried?

ZOE CRICK: Oh, no, Eugene. Quite apart from the current peace between the two townships, a device of that size couldn’t be used to attack New Canton without also destroying Abel.

EUGENE WOODS: Ah, glad to hear it. We can all rest easier in our beds tonight, knowing that that is the case. Thanks, Zoe.

ZOE CRICK: Thanks, Eugene.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: That’s all for Newsfright today. Your regular schedule returns after this.

Summons

(Plays if Season 3 Mission 20: Only Love Can Break Your Heart has been completed and Season 3 Mission 25: The Road Goes Ever On And On has not been completed.)

ZOE CRICK: Welcome back, everyone. It’s time for another update from the mean streets. That’s right, it’s Newsfright. Here with your top story today is Jack Holden.

JACK HOLDEN: Thanks, Zoe. Today’s news may shock younger listeners, so we advise you to cover their ears and make “la la la!” noises for the next few minutes. We’ll wait. Okay. According to our sources, disaster has befallen -

[knock on the door]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Who’s that?

EUGENE WOODS: I’m not expecting anyone. Jack?

[knock on the door]

JACK HOLDEN: No. Phil, do you think it could be someone from one of your committees?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I don’t know…

[knock on door]

ZOE CRICK: Oh, for God’s sake. There’s a pretty simple way to solve this question. [opens door] Yes?

VISITOR: There’s a call for you in the comms center.

ZOE CRICK: Is it urgent?

VISITOR: I was told to bring you right away.

ZOE CRICK: Oh, all right. Boys, I’ll be back soon. I hope.

VISITOR: Uh, no, ma'am. I was instructed to bring all of you.

ZOE CRICK: Oh. Okay. Well, you heard the man. Off we trot.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Bloody hell. Wonder what this is about.

JACK HOLDEN: Maybe we’re in trouble.

EUGENE WOODS: Maybe we’re being given a medal.

JACK HOLDEN: Ooh, I love medals!

ZOE CRICK: Boys, don’t make me carry you.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Sorry. Coming! Uh, citizens, we’ll be back with you soon.

Footsie Pyjama Index

(Plays if Season 3 Mission 21: Sin In My Heart has been completed and Season 3 Mission 25: The Road Goes Ever On And On has not been completed.)

JACK HOLDEN: All right, hold tight, and sit upright. It’s time for more Newsfright.

EUGENE WOODS: I knew I should not have given you that rhyming dictionary.

JACK HOLDEN: Eugene, don’t be mean. I know you’re not keen, but my rhymes are pristine. When times are this lean, poems make folks serene! The queen’s machine runs on green beans.

EUGENE WOODS: You done?

JACK HOLDEN: Fifteen. Teen. Spleen. Okay, I’m done.

EUGENE WOODS: Cool. Welcome to Newsfright, everyone. Here’s Philip Cheeseman with our top story.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Thanks, Eugene, and thank you, Jack, for the poetry.

JACK HOLDEN: Uh, you’re quite welcome.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Our top story today, ci-ti-zens: runners out in force, a daring theft, and the hunt for a treasonous criminal. Earlier today, we here at New Canton were witness to the largest single deployment of runners since the attack on Abel several months ago. Our sources have indicated to us that they believe the runners to have been summoned by Ministry of Recovery officials to assist in the hunt for a wanted criminal. Here with more is Zoe Crick.

ZOE CRICK: Thanks, Phil. We’ve had word from people here at New Canton who’ve seen the runners out in the field. The current consensus is that they’re searching the surrounding areas for notorious cat burglar Luis “El Tejón” Ibanez.

A warrent for the arrest of Ibanez was reportedly issued by the Ministry of Recovery after he stole the remaining Crown Jewels. Reports suggest that Ibanez barely escaped from the Tower of London with his life after being cornered by several undead beefeaters, but used a handily-placed ladder to escape over a fence to a boat waiting on the nearby Thames.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Thrilling stuff. While we wait for more on this breaking story, here’s Eugene Woods with today’s financial news.

EUGENE WOODS: Thanks, Phil. Movements on the market today suggest that confidence is rising in the pen as a reserve currency, while the footsie pajama index continues to fall after a spate of warm weather. And finally, the churro market is continuing to rise against the ground beef index as the price of cooking oil climbs for the third consecutive quarter. Back to you, Phil.

JACK HOLDEN: Jesus. How long did that take you?

EUGENE WOODS: Couple hours.

JACK HOLDEN: And you make fun of my rhymes?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Thanks, Eugene. That’s all from us today. Your regular programming will resume shortly.

One Weird Trick

(Plays if Season 3 Mission 22: Your Cheatin' Heart has been completed and Season 3 Mission 25: The Road Goes Ever On And On has not been completed.)

ZOE CRICK: We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming to bring you breaking news. A startling development in the manhunt for Luis “El Tejón” Ibanez, as witnesses report seeing the famed cat burglar escaping pursuit in an aircraft. Here’s Jack Holden with more details.

JACK HOLDEN: Thanks, Zoe. Uh, we’ve just received reports that a light aircraft was seen taking off from a field in the vicinity of New Canton. All signs point to the pilot being none other than “El Tejón” himself, and rumors suggest that the bandit is indeed still carrying the remains of the Crown Jewels. New Canton runners and ministry officials remain in hot pursuit. Here with some speculation about his chances of a successful escape – Phil Cheeseman and Eugene Woods.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Thanks, Jack. As much as I hate to say it, I’m confident that “El Tejón” will escape the authorities. Uh, he’s known to be an expert pilot, and is especially skilled at flying the Cessna 172, which I’m blindly assuming this plane is. Given the lack of air support available to the authorities, I think we have to believe that “El Tejón” can count this as yet another daring escape.

EUGENE WOODS: I’m sorry, Phil, but I’m going to have to disagree here. Not only is the 172 far from “El Tejón”’s favorite aircraft, but there’s also a severe storm closing in on the area. With the likelihood of a thunderstorm, the Cessna’s famed lack of reliability in turbulent conditions, and “El Tejón” famous fear of thunder, I expect to see him grounded and apprehended before too long.

JACK HOLDEN: Well, let’s hope that’s the case. I, for one, would like nothing more than to see the Crown Jewels restored to their rightful home.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: India.

JACK HOLDEN: No, the… never mind. Here’s Zoe Crick with today’s health news.

ZOE CRICK: Thanks, Jack. Experts at Abel Township have announced their latest discovery today. Apparently, this one weird trick using commonly available post-apocalypse items will allow the general public to keep their hair completely lice-free without resorting to time-consuming screening and extermination procedures. I don’t know about you, boys, but I’m looking forward to a day when I no longer have to make my monthly trip to the nurses for an encounter with their weirdly sharp metal combs.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, it’s not so bad.

ZOE CRICK: Mm. You still harping after that nurse? Leave it alone, Phil. She’s not interested. Listeners, we’ll be back with you shortly.

Valueless Treasure

(Plays if Season 3 Mission 23: I'm With Stupid has been completed and Season 3 Mission 25: The Road Goes Ever On And On has not been completed.)

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Up next, both lightning and justice strike as the manhunt for “El Tejón” comes to a dramatic conclusion. This is Newsfright, and here’s Eugene Woods with your top story.

EUGENE WOODS: Thanks, Phil. Following his daring airborne escape from the authorities, the story of “El Tejón” has come to a striking end.

JACK HOLDEN: Ooh, very nice.

EUGENE WOODS: Thank you. Luis “El Tejón” Ibanez was last seen commandeering an old Cessna 172 in order to make his escape from a joint force of Ministry officials and New Canton runners. His escape, however, would prove to be thwarted by an oncoming storm, which brought him down in the hills nearby.

Sources who are acquainted with witnesses on the ground report that the light aircraft was struck by a bolt of lightning around 15 minutes after takeoff. The lightning strike reportedly caused the Cessna’s engine to fail, forcing “El Tejón” to make an emergency landing. Here with more on the crash and its aftermath – Zoe Crick.

ZOE CRICK: Thanks, Eugene. Rumors are telling us that those on the ground report seeing Ibanez corpse being taken away from the crash site. According to reports, Ibanez sustained fatal injuries during the crash of his aircraft, and his body was taken away by ministry officials for correct burial. What is uncertain, however, is the fate of “El Tejón”’s loot: none other than the Crown Jewels themselves. Here with analysis on their potential location is Jack Holden.

JACK HOLDEN: Thanks, Zoe. Now, I think it’s a simple enough assumption that ministry officials have recovered the jewels from the crash site, and will return them to the secure location posthaste. But I think simple assumptions are boring, and often wrong, so I’m going to speculate that, before attempting to land, “El Tejón” threw the Crown Jewels out of the plane to a waiting accomplice who has hidden them nearby in a cleverly-marked secret cave.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: That’s a strong assertion, Jack. Do you have any evidence to back that up?

JACK HOLDEN: None at all, Phil.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Okay, thanks. In which case, I’d like to remind all of our listeners that it is extremely unlikely that the Crown Jewels are currently hidden in a cave near New Canton. They should under no circumstance leave the safety of the township in order to search for a bunch of treasure which is practically valueless in today’s society. With that said, I’d like to thank Jack, Zoe, and Eugene for their input today. From me, Phil Cheeseman, and from everyone here at Newsfright, goodbye.

We broke Eugene

(Plays if Season 3 Mission 25: The Road Goes Ever On And On has been completed and Season 3 Mission 52: Shiver Me Timbers has not been completed.)

JACK HOLDEN: Well now, listeners, we’ve got a bit of a surprise today.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Is it cake? Did we find a cake?

ZOE CRICK: Seriously, Phil, where do you think we’d find a bloody cake around here?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: A man can dream, Zoe. A man can dream!

JACK HOLDEN: No, it isn’t cake. It’s actually a bit more exciting than that. Eugene, you’re going to be especially interested in this.

EUGENE WOODS: That’ll make a change.

JACK HOLDEN: All right, mister! Hold the snark until you hear the call. Here we go.

RACHEL DENNIS: Hello, Radio Cabel. I am long time listener, an avid fan, and a first time caller. My name is Rachel P. Dennis, [EUGENE WOODS gasps] and I’m calling in with a bit of an odd request. As some of your listeners may be aware, I was in the process of writing the final book in my Laments of the World saga at the time of the outbreak. In fact, I was in the process of approving final copy edits to the book prior to its publication. Due to certain complications around that time, the book never saw publication. Now I find myself preparing to leave my home and settle somewhere more peaceful -

EUGENE WOODS: [whispers] Oh God.

RACHEL P. DENNIS: - but I don’t want to do so without securing my legacy. As such, I would be greatly obliged if the four of you could find time on your tour to come and meet me, in order for you to take the manuscript and broadcast it to your listeners. [EUGENE WOODS gasps] Being able to release the ending of my saga to the public would make me extremely happy. I hope you can help me. Yours, Rachel P. Dennis.

EUGENE WOODS: Oh my God.

JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, thought you’d like that.

EUGENE WOODS: Oh my God!

ZOE CRICK: Is he okay?

EUGENE WOODS: I…

ZOE CRICK: Hello? Eugene?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Try slapping him.

EUGENE WOODS: I can’t…

JACK HOLDEN: That only works in the movies.

EUGENE WOODS: Oh my God!

ZOE CRICK: Well, it finally happened. We finally broke Eugene!

Turn It Off

(Plays if Season 3 Mission 51: Bad Moon Rising has been completed and Season 3 Mission 52: Shiver Me Timbers has not been completed)

[indistinct sound from a radio]

JACK HOLDEN: I can’t hear, it’s not clear enough.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Is there anything you can do? Zoe? It’s on the emergency frequency; it must be important!

ZOE CRICK: Let me see if I can reposition the antenna.

JACK HOLDEN: That’s better! I, uh…

PHIL CHEESEMAN: What are they saying?

JACK HOLDEN: Give me a minute, Phil. … oh God.

EUGENE WOODS: What is it?

JACK HOLDEN: I, uh… war. They’re talking about war. New Canton, they’ve… no one knows for sure, but it looks like they’re under her control.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: No!

ZOE CRICK: Oh God.

JACK HOLDEN: It’s uh… it’s not clear exactly what’s happening. This is all secondhand, but they’re… they’re saying… they’re saying New Canton have attacked Abel! Reports of explosions in Dunder Woods. Many dead.

EUGENE WOODS: Jesus.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Is anyone safe? Is there any news – is New Canton still standing? What’s – what’s going on?

ZOE CRICK: What do they know, Jack?

JACK HOLDEN: That’s it, that’s all they’re saying. It’s just, it’s chaos! Wait, wait, wait. They’re talking about us.

ZOE CRICK: What?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: What are they saying?

JACK HOLDEN: It’s Amelia. It’s not clear, I’m barely picking it up. Something about a transmitter in the van. Useful intel, contact… it’s gone. I… what does it mean, Gene?

EUGENE WOODS: Doesn’t matter now. Turn it off.

JACK HOLDEN: I…

EUGENE WOODS: Turn it off! Let’s just keep moving.

Drunken Sailor

(Plays if Season 3 Mission 52: Shiver Me Timbers has been completed.)

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [singing] “What shall we do with a drunken sailor?”

EVERYONE: [singing] “What shall we do with a drunken sailor? What shall we do with a drunken sailor early in the morning?”

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [singing] “Put him in the longboat ‘til he’s sober.”

EVERYONE: [singing] “Put him in the longboat 'til he’s sober. Put him in the longboat 'til he’s sober early in the morning. Hooray, and up she rises. Hooray, and up she rises. Hooray, and up she rises early in the morning.”

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [singing] “What shall we do with a drunken sailor? What shall we do with a drunken sailor?”

EVERYONE: [singing] “What shall we do with a drunken sailor early in the morning?”

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [singing] “Put him in the scuppers with the hosepipe on him.”

EVERYONE: [singing] “Put him in the scuppers with the hosepipe on him. Put him in the scuppers with the hosepipe on him early in the morning. Hooray, and up she rises. Hooray, and up she rises. Hooray, and up she rises early in the morning.”

[everyone laughs]

Running Down To Cuba

JACK HOLDEN: [singing] “To Cuba’s coast we’re bound, me boys.”

EVERYONE: [singing] “'Way, the boys, to Cuba.”

JACK HOLDEN: [singing] “To Cuba’s coast, now, don’t make a noise.”

EVERYONE: [singing] “We’re running down to Cuba. 'Way, the boys, to Cuba. We’re running down to Cuba.”

JACK HOLDEN: [singing] “The captain, he will trim the sails.”

EVERYONE: [singing] “'Way, the boys, to Cuba.”

JACK HOLDEN: [singing] “Winging the water over the rails.”

EVERYONE: [singing] “We’re running down to Cuba. 'Way, the boys, to Cuba. We’re running down to Cuba.”

JACK HOLDEN: [singing] “Oh my God! How the wind do blow.”

EVERYONE: [singing] “'Way, the boys, to Cuba.”

JACK HOLDEN: [singing] “Running south from the ice and the snow.”

EVERYONE: [singing] “We’re running down to Cuba. 'Way, the boys, to Cuba. We’re running down to Cuba.”

Truesong's Triumph

EUGENE WOODS: Is it time, is it time?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yes, Gene, it’s time.

EUGENE WOODS: Yes! Let’s do it.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Zoe?

ZOE CRICK: [clears throat] Radio Cabel now has the great privilege to present Truesong’s Triumph, the final volume in Rachel P. Dennis’ epic Laments of the World saga, serialized in many parts. How long is this thing?

EUGENE WOODS: 1500 pages.

ZOE CRICK: 15 – [sighs] Okay. Many, many parts, then. Bloody hell, I hope this is good.

EUGENE WOODS: It’s amazing!

JACK HOLDEN: Did you finish it already?

EUGENE WOODS: [laughs] Of course!

JACK HOLDEN: Maniac.

ZOE CRICK: Phil, are you ready?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: If you’re sitting comfortably, then I will begin. [turns page, clears throat] In the long winter that followed Lord Ravenwood’s capture of Minesburg, the dark cloud of his rule spread across the land, poisoning the minds of all the folk of the nine kingdoms, turning what once was good into evil, what once was fertile into barren, and what once was magic into the mundane.

With the power of the thrice-forked staff, the dark magus had eliminated all remnants of resistance to his power. All remnants but one. For in the darkest of those nights, hushed conversations in taverns and stables and drawing rooms spoke of one who still remembered the old ways. One who still carried the emblems of her ancestors. One in whom the old magics still were strong, and who would return to purge the darkness from the land: Lea Truesong.

EUGENE WOODS: [laughs, whispers] So good!

JACK HOLDEN: [whispers] Shh! Don’t interrupt.

EUGENE WOODS: [whispers] Sorry.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Lea Truesong. A name that many had forgotten. A name some thought only a myth. A name that would come to live in legend forever.

EUGENE WOODS: [laughs] This book is amazing!

JACK HOLDEN and ZOE CRICK: Shh!

Run

EUGENE WOODS: Lea’s eyes grew wide as she regarded the face of her old teacher.

ZOE CRICK: “Master Nellin, I thought you were - ”

JACK HOLDEN: “Dead, my child? No, my dear, not dead. Not dead, but still living. And a fine thing, too, for I can see you are in a pretty pickle, and much in need of help from your old teacher.”

ZOE CRICK: “Master Nellin, it has been a long time since I sat in your study to learn the chants and charms. I’m not the young girl you once taught to raise an oak or bring the summer rain. I am Lea Truesong, salvation of the seven tribes, bringer of summer, the voice that will sing the lament of this world and every world to come, and every world that has ever been! I need the help of no one.”

EUGENE WOODS: Master Nellin chuckled, his chest wheezing and his eyes glimmering like diamonds in darkness.

JACK HOLDEN: [chuckles, wheezes] “You always were a proud one, Lea Truesong. Always so proud and always so stubborn. Be not so quick to refuse the help of an old friend. And on the road ahead, you will need many friends, and you will need much help, especially without your magic. Come, now. Let me free you from those chains before the guards return.”

EUGENE WOODS: But before the old master could reach through the bars, Lea heard the bone-chilling creak and moan of the dungeon door, old oak scratching on bloodstained stone.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: “Oh? Who’s leaning through them bars? Alarm! Alarm! The prisoner’s escaping!”

EUGENE WOODS: Startled by the guard, afraid for her life, Lea felt the old magics coursing through her veins once more.

ZOE CRICK: “Not now - ”

EUGENE WOODS: - she thought, as she felt the air around her begin to heat, a conflagration begin to form, her power begin to loose itself uncontrollably.

ZOE CRICK: “Master Nellin, run!”

Curse You!

ZOE CRICK: Bran Firebane tightened his grip, the ornate carvings on the handle of his sword, Light Bringer, burning in his hand.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: “The time has come, Kien. There are no more rat holes left for you to hide in.”

ZOE CRICK: Kien Vallick curled his lip back in a sneer, his hand lazily drawing a poisoned knife from his belt, the very knife with which he had carried out his murderous deeds.

EUGENE WOODS: “Firebane, you’re like the sore that just won’t heal. But what you say is right: the time has come. The time for you to die!”

ZOE CRICK: Drawing his hand back and leaping across the table in a single movement, Vallick struck at Firebane’s throat. It was only his lightning reflexes, honed through his training with the priests of Devellion which saved Bran’s life.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: “Not today, Kien. Not today.”

ZOE CRICK: - uttered Bran Firebane as he slid Light Bringer’s burning blade deep into Vallick’s chest. Blood sizzled and popped around the wound as the old betrayor’s life left his body.

EUGENE WOODS: [groans] “Curse you, Firebane. Curse you to the ends of this world and the next. Curse you to see all that you love burn as the final song is sung. Curse you!”

Lea Truesong

JACK HOLDEN: And so it was that Lea Truesong climbed the mountain of Sennalish, the mountain at the end of the world. And so it was that she reached the summit, her hair thick with snow, her fingers frozen, bloody, to the thrice-forked staff, her body shaking with hunger and exhaustion. And so it was that there, on that day, high above the ken of mortals, Lea opened her mouth to sing the world’s lament. The end.

ZOE CRICK: Wow.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah.

ZOE CRICK: That was really good.

JACK HOLDEN: I enjoyed that.

[EUGENE WOODS cries]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Gene, are you crying?

EUGENE WOODS: Yeah, I just… I can’t believe that it’s over.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Aw, buddy. Come here.

Pretty Quiet

(Plays if Season 3 Mission 25: The Road Goes Ever On And On has been completed and Season 3 Mission 52: Shiver Me Timbers has not been completed, and the time is between 8:00 PM and 7:00 AM.)

ZOE CRICK: [sighs] Long day.

EUGENE WOODS: Tell me about it. It’s funny. You forget how tiring it can be spending all day driving.

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] Yeah. I was never much of a long distance driver at the best of times.

EUGENE WOODS: You never take a road trip?

ZOE CRICK: Well, here and there. With friends at uni, you know. But never like this. Long days, long distances, spending nights on watch. It’s different.

EUGENE WOODS: Speaking of which, how are they doing back there?

ZOE CRICK: Aww, that’s sweet! They’re doing top and tail like kids.

EUGENE WOODS: Wow. Phil’s a braver man than me, putting his head near those feet.

ZOE CRICK: Say what you like about Phil, he’s certainly not squeamish.

EUGENE WOODS: No, definitely not.

ZOE CRICK: Pretty quiet out there.

EUGENE WOODS: Yeah. Let’s hope it stays that way.

ZOE CRICK: Hear, hear.

Jerk

(Plays if Season 3 Mission 25: The Road Goes Ever On And On has been completed and Season 3 Mission 52: Shiver Me Timbers has not been completed, and the time is between 8:00 PM and 7:00 AM.)

JACK HOLDEN: Just like old times, eh?

EUGENE WOODS: Yeah, although thankfully a little less dangerous.

JACK HOLDEN: [laughs, flirty tone] So we get to be on watch together, which is…

EUGENE WOODS: - nice. Not that I don’t love the suggestion, but we do actually have to watch while we’re on watch.

JACK HOLDEN: Well, you could keep an eye out, and I could…

EUGENE WOODS: [laughs] Don’t be such a pest!

JACK HOLDEN: You’re no fun. There.

EUGENE WOODS: Where?

JACK HOLDEN: By those trees. Three shamblers.

EUGENE WOODS: Got them. If we keep quiet, they should pass.

JACK HOLDEN: Come on. Nothing to see here. Just jog on.

EUGENE WOODS: [sighs] All right. [clears throat]

JACK HOLDEN: Close call. Lucky we were keeping such diligent watch, eh?

EUGENE WOODS: [laughs] Very rich, very rich.

Johnny Cash

(Plays if Season 3 Mission 25: The Road Goes Ever On And On has been completed and Season 3 Mission 52: Shiver Me Timbers has not been completed, and the time is between 8:00 PM and 7:00 AM.)

JACK HOLDEN: I spy with my little eye something beginning with… T.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: T… T… hmm… t-, t-… trees?

JACK HOLDEN: Nope.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Tires?

JACK HOLDEN: No.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Trench?

JACK HOLDEN: No. Where is there a bloody trench?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Never mind. Go on, then. I give up.

JACK HOLDEN: Tarmac.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Ugh, fine.

JACK HOLDEN: Your turn. Or do you want to do something else? There’s nothing going on out there.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Like what?

JACK HOLDEN: I don’t know. Tell each other our deepest, darkest secrets?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: All right, then. I once killed a man.

JACK HOLDEN: … what?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I was travelling at the time, in America. Nevada. There was a man at a truck stop. He was asleep with a gun in his belt. I don’t know what came over me. I just reached into his belt, cocked the gun, pulled the trigger. I guess I shot him just to watch him die. The man in Reno.

[JACK HOLDEN groans, PHIL CHEESEMAN laughs]

JACK HOLDEN: You little - ! You really had me going, there. Bloody Johnny Cash. [PHIL CHEESEMAN smacks JACK HOLDEN] Ow! Jerk.

Still Wrong

(Plays if Season 3 Mission 25: The Road Goes Ever On And On has been completed and Season 3 Mission 52: Shiver Me Timbers has not been completed, and the time is between 8:00 PM and 7:00 AM.)

PHIL CHEESEMAN: No no no, in that case, you’d have to prosecute the person that programmed them to steal the diamonds.

ZOE CRICK: Right, but then we get into the whole question of free will and culpability, don’t we? Like, if we count the robot’s being programmed as negating its ability to have free will, surely we don’t have free will either. We’re just programmed by past experience to do the things we do anyway. So if the robot can’t be guilty of the crime, then we can’t be guilty of the crimes, either.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: That’s a false equivalence. Human beings aren’t purposefully programmed, robots are. It’s like saying that uh, if a gun can’t be prosecuted for murder, then a person can’t be prosecuted either!

ZOE CRICK: Ah, but you said considering a world with sentient robots, so by the terms of your own question -

EUGENE WOODS: [clears throat] Guys. Not that we aren’t enjoying this debate, but seriously, could you please shut up? We’re trying to sleep here. [JACK HOLDEN snores] Well, I’m trying to sleep. Jack is succeeding. Still. Keep it down, yeah?

ZOE CRICK: Sorry, Gene.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Sorry. You’re still wrong.

Oh No. A Pillow.

(Plays if Season 3 Mission 25: The Road Goes Ever On And On has been completed and Season 3 Mission 52: Shiver Me Timbers has not been completed, and the time is between 6:00 AM and 10:00 AM.)

[ZOE CRICK snores]

JACK HOLDEN: She’s still asleep!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Out like a light.

JACK HOLDEN: I’m eating her breakfast.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: No, no, don’t! She’ll murder you!

JACK HOLDEN: Look, she’s a pacifist.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: With words! She will murder you to death with her words!

EUGENE WOODS: Just wake her up, you idiots. Zoe! Zoe, if you don’t get up now, Jack’s eating your oatmeal.

ZOE CRICK: [startles awake] Jack Holden, if you so much as look at my breakfast sideways, I will make you wish you’d never been born.

JACK HOLDEN: Fine. Here you go.

ZOE CRICK: Hey, this is all soggy!

JACK HOLDEN: You snooze, you lose. [ZOE CRICK throws a pillow at JACK HOLDEN] Ow! That hit me right in the face! Eugene, she threw a pillow at me.

EUGENE WOODS: Oh dear God no, a pillow in the face.

Damp.

(Plays if Season 3 Mission 25: The Road Goes Ever On And On has been completed and Season 3 Mission 52: Shiver Me Timbers has not been completed, and the time is between 6:00 AM and 10:00 AM.)

PHIL CHEESEMAN: What about this one?

ZOE CRICK: [sniffs] Mm… cold. [sniffs] No, wait. Damp. Yeah, damp.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [sighs] I really wanted to wear that today. Okay, how about, uh… [rummages] this?

ZOE CRICK: Nope, that’s definitely damp. Where did you put your bag last night?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Over there by the back door.

ZOE CRICK: Cheeseman, there’s a leak in the roof back there.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, you’re kidding!

ZOE CRICK: Nope.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Bollocks.

JACK HOLDEN: There’s a uh, shirt under this seat, if it helps.

ZOE CRICK: Give us a feel. Mm, yeah, this is just cold. You can wear this.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Sweet!

ZOE CRICK: Not sure why you would want to, though. It makes you look like a carrot!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hey!

[ZOE CRICK laughs]

Spider!

(Plays if Season 3 Mission 25: The Road Goes Ever On And On has been completed and Season 3 Mission 52: Shiver Me Timbers has not been completed, and the time is between 6:00 AM and 10:00 AM.)

ZOE CRICK: Jack. Jack, time to wake up! Jack, come on! We’ve got to get moving. Jack!

JACK HOLDEN: [startles awake] I’m up, I’m up, I’m… oh God. Oh God, oh God! Zoe! Zoe, help, help!

ZOE CRICK: What? What is it?

JACK HOLDEN: Spider, it’s a spider!

ZOE CRICK: Well, just hold still. Just - Jack, wait!

JACK HOLDEN: It’s right by my ear. There’s a spider in my ear!

ZOE CRICK: Stop! Stop moving around. Hold still!

JACK HOLDEN: There’s a spider in my ear! Oh God oh God oh God, oh God…

ZOE CRICK: There! It’s off. It’s off!

JACK HOLDEN: Okay, thanks. Thank you. Oh God. Thanks…

ZOE CRICK: It’s all right. It’s all right. It’s gone now. It’s all all right.

JACK HOLDEN: [shudders] God! Why? I hate camping. Oh God. Ew!

Story Of My Flipping Life

(Plays if Season 3 Mission 25: The Road Goes Ever On And On has been completed and Season 3 Mission 52: Shiver Me Timbers has not been completed, and the time is between 6:00 AM and 10:00 AM.)

EUGENE WOODS: Oh, my back. Jesus. [groans] Oh, you’ve got to be… Jack? Jack, where the hell’s my crutch? Actually, where the hell’s Jack?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: He’s gone off with Zoe to look for water. Said he heard a river in the night.

EUGENE WOODS: Great. [clears throat] Why are you lying in the front seat?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Mm, I was looking up at some birds, and then I just couldn’t be bothered to get back up.

EUGENE WOODS: Right. You okay, buddy?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, I’m fine.

EUGENE WOODS: You don’t sound fine.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I’m just tired. This is… [sighs] I forgot how hard this is. It’s um… I’ve been in New Canton for a long time.

EUGENE WOODS: Yeah. It’s a long time since any of us have done this. It’s… it’ll be okay. You know, we’re all in this together, Phil. And we’ll get used to it. It’s just going to be tough at first.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah. “It’s tough at first.” Story of my flipping life.

A sign

(Plays if Season 3 Mission 25: The Road Goes Ever On And On has been completed and Season 3 Mission 52: Shiver Me Timbers has not been completed, and the time is between 9:00 PM and 5:00 AM.)

JACK HOLDEN: Gene! Gene, wake up! Gene! Gene! Zoe. Wake up, both of you!

ZOE CRICK: Jack, if this is another question about why the moon is bright, I’m not going to be happy.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Seriously, Zo, you want to see this.

ZOE CRICK: [sighs] Fine. Come on, Gene.

EUGENE WOODS: [startles awake] Oh God. This better be good.

JACK HOLDEN: Oh, just shut up, dummy. Look!

ZOE CRICK: Oh, wow! Wow!

EUGENE WOODS: Wow, that’s…

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah.

EUGENE WOODS: It’s just…

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah.

ZOE CRICK: Where do you think it’s going to fall?

EUGENE WOODS: A long way from here. Maybe in the sea.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Is it dangerous?

EUGENE WOODS: I don’t think so. It’s moving slow for a meteorite, so it must be quite small.

ZOE CRICK: It’s so bright.

EUGENE WOODS: Yeah. It’s beautiful.

JACK HOLDEN: Maybe it’s a sign.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Like what?

JACK HOLDEN: Like, a sign that everything’s going to be all right. There’s a light in the darkness, and it’s not dangerous, so there’s a sign that everything’s going to be okay.

EUGENE WOODS: I like that.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Me, too.

ZOE CRICK: Yeah.

Squirrel

(Plays if Season 3 Mission 25: The Road Goes Ever On And On has been completed and Season 3 Mission 52: Shiver Me Timbers has not been completed, and the time is between 5:00 PM and 9:00 PM.)

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Right right right, then it’s, [sings] “Out on the road, not in the radio shack.”

JACK HOLDEN: Yeah yeah yeah. No no, that’s great, that’s great. Now put it with the – so it goes, [sing] “Eugene and Zoe - ”

PHIL CHEESEMAN and JACK HOLDEN: [singing] “- Phil and Jack. We’re out on the road, not in the radio shack.”

JACK HOLDEN: No, it has to go -

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, then we go back into the verse -

ZOE CRICK: [bangs on the van] Dinner, y'all.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Aw, nice. Thanks, Zo!

JACK HOLDEN: What is it today, Eugene?

EUGENE WOODS: Squirrel.

JACK HOLDEN: [sighs] Roast, or stew.

EUGENE WOODS: Stew. Just come and eat it.

JACK HOLDEN: Mm, stew. Come on, Phil.

Making Squirrel Mushrooms

(Plays if Season 3 Mission 25: The Road Goes Ever On And On has been completed and Season 3 Mission 52: Shiver Me Timbers has not been completed, and the time is between 5:00 PM and 9:00 PM.)

ZOE CRICK: [sings] “Making mushrooms, frying up some mushrooms. Add some squirrel and we’re frying squirrel mushrooms. Frying mushrooms, oh! Making mushrooms, frying up some mushrooms. Add some squirrel and we’re frying squirrel mushrooms. Squirrel mushrooms!”

EUGENE WOODS: What are you singing, Zo?

ZOE CRICK: [clears throat] Uh, nothing.

EVERYONE: [singing] “Making mushrooms, frying up some mushrooms. Add some squirrel and we’re frying squirrel mushrooms. Frying mushrooms, oh! Making mushrooms, frying up some mushrooms. Add some squirrel and we’re frying squirrel mushrooms. Squirrel mushrooms!”

Grubs

(Plays if Season 3 Mission 25: The Road Goes Ever On And On has been completed and Season 3 Mission 52: Shiver Me Timbers has not been completed, and the time is between 5:00 PM and 9:00 PM.)

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I thought we still had squirrel left over.

EUGENE WOODS: No, we used the last of it yesterday.

ZOE CRICK: And the pigeon?

JACK HOLDEN: Spoiled.

ZOE CRICK: Bollocks.

EUGENE WOODS: It’d be easier if we had salt, or some way of smoking the meat. But -

ZOE CRICK: Apocalypse.

EUGENE WOODS: - apocalypse.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: So it’s rice for dinner again?

EUGENE WOODS: Unless you’re ready to try eating grubs.

ZOE CRICK: Nope.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, no.

JACK HOLDEN: Rice is okay. … What kind of grubs?

Rabbit

(Plays if Season 3 Mission 25: The Road Goes Ever On And On has been completed and Season 3 Mission 52: Shiver Me Timbers has not been completed, and the time is between 4:00 AM and 10:00 AM.)

ZOE CRICK: I don’t see anything.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Shh.

ZOE CRICK: But -

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Shh.

ZOE CRICK: A rabbit! [foliage rustles, PHIL CHEESEMAN sighs] Sorry.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh, it’s fine. We’ll just uh, we’ll just wait a bit longer.

Master Hunter

(Plays if Season 3 Mission 25: The Road Goes Ever On And On has been completed and Season 3 Mission 52: Shiver Me Timbers has not been completed, and the time is between 6:00 AM and 11:00 AM.)

[PHIL CHEESEMAN and EUGENE WOODS snore, van door opens]

ZOE CRICK: Ding dong! Home are the hunters.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [startles awake] Jennifer?

EUGENE WOODS: Hang on.

ZOE CRICK: Come on, lazybones. We’ve got to get moving soon.

EUGENE WOODS: How’d you do?

JACK HOLDEN: Ask Zoe. She’s the master hunter.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: If you say so.

ZOE CRICK: I do bloody say so, Mister Cheeseman. Look: two rabbits, and a flipping pigeon!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You are amazing.

EUGENE WOODS: Nice work, guys!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Seriously, I’m impressed. Nice!

JACK HOLDEN: So, Gene, going to make us a nice stew later?

EUGENE WOODS: Hell, with that much meat, I’ll make you four!

JACK HOLDEN: Ha! Hunting high five. Hey, stew high five. Cheeseman, high five!

Codex

Supplies

The following supplies can be found in Season 3 Radio Mode.

9mm Ammo
Axe
Bandages
Baseball Bat
Batteries
Book
Bottled Water
Box of Lightbulbs
Candles
Car Battery
Cooking knife
Cutlery
Disposable camera
Dress
Fuel Can
Garden tools
Glasses
Hairbrush
Makeup
Mobile Phone
Money
Pain Meds
Paintbrush
Penknife
Pot plant
Power Cable
Prescription Pain Meds
Radio
Seeds
Shirt
Shorts
Sleeping bag
Solar Charger
Sports Bra
Thermal underwear
Thermos flask
Tinned Food
Tool Box
Toothbrush
Trainers
Trousers
Underwear
USB Key
Whisky
Wild food