Radio Abel rebuilds for the new world, with new friends, new jokes, and new difficulties.
Certain Season 2 Radio Mode Clips will only play once certain conditions have been met.
Listening to all of these clips should get you the "Stay safe out there" achievement.
Cast[]
- Eugene Woods
- Jack Holden
- Phil Cheeseman
- Esteban Sosa
- Zoe Crick
- Garrett
- Samantha
- Jenny
- Iestyn Williams
- Sam Yao
- Maxine Myers
Crew[]
- Writer: Matt Wieteska and Rebecca Levene
- Director: Matt Wieteska
- Sound Designer: Richard Bell
- Series Created By: Naomi Alderman
Transcript[]
ERROR---CRITICAL DAMAGE---ERROR[]
[sequence of three low beeps followed by one high beep plays twice]
AUTOMATED VOICE: Iteration four zero three two.
[sequence of three low beeps]
EUGENE WOODS: You’ll be able to grab it from our Rofflenet servers within the next two days.
JACK HOLDEN: So there you have it, listeners! At long last, our survivor’s cookbook is ready for release. How do you feel about it, Eugene?
EUGENE WOODS: Well, it was hard work, it took me a while, but you know, I think in the end, it - [indistinct shouting] Do you think… ?
JACK HOLDEN: I’m sure it’s fine.
EUGENE WOODS: This… this doesn’t sound normal.
JACK HOLDEN: I mean, I’m sure it’s fine!
EUGENE WOODS: I don’t know! It’s – it’s -
JACK HOLDEN: Let me just… one second. I’ll be right back. Is that smoke? Gene, you’d better come look -
[explosion]
[one high beep, followed by sequence of three low beeps and one high beep]
ERROR---CRITICAL DAMAGE---ERROR[]
[sequence of three low beeps followed by one high beep plays twice]
AUTOMATED VOICE: Iteration four zero three three.
[sequence of three low beeps]
EUGENE WOODS: You’ll be able to grab it from our Rofflenet servers within the next two days.
JACK HOLDEN: So there you have it, listeners! At long last, our survivor’s cookbook is ready for release. How do you feel about it, Eugene?
[PHIL CHEESEMAN grunts, mutters under his breath. Static begins to obscure dialogue]
EUGENE WOODS: Well, it was hard work, it took me a while, but you know, I think in the end, it - [indistinct shouting] Do you think… ?
JACK HOLDEN: I’m sure it’s fine.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Nearly there… come on, come on!
EUGENE WOODS: This… this doesn’t sound normal.
JACK HOLDEN: I mean, I’m sure it’s fine!
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, come on!
EUGENE WOODS: I don’t know! It’s – it’s -
PHIL CHEESEMAN: All right…
JACK HOLDEN: Let me just… one second. I’ll be right back.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Let’s try… mother-!
JACK HOLDEN: Is that smoke? Gene, you’d better come look -
[explosion]
[one high beep, followed by sequence of three low beeps and one high beep]
ERROR---CRITICAL DAMAGE---ERROR[]
[static; sequence of three low beeps followed by one high beep plays twice]
AUTOMATED VOICE: Iteration four zero three four.
PHIL CHEESEMAN. Come on, come on, come on!
[sequence of three low beeps]
EUGENE WOODS: You’ll be able to grab it from our Rofflenet servers within the next few days.
JACK HOLDEN: So there you have it, listeners! At long last, our survivor’s cookbook – [drowned out by static]
PHIL CHEESEMAN: These damn ghosts have been the bane of my life, I swear. All right! [clears throat] Listeners at Abel, listeners at New Canton: we are deeply sorry for the loss of your radio hosts. Their service will be remembered fondly. But we here at New Canton believe that the best way to honor their memory is… is to ensure their legacy carries on. And so, after a short break for me to finish setting up, we will return with a new era of post-civilization radio programming.
Brown Sauce[]
(Plays if Season 2 Mission 7: Mummy's Hand has not been completed.)
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hello, ci-ti-zens! You’re listening to Radio New Tomorrow! After the unfortunate incident over at Abel, we’re filling the empty airwaves with all the news, views, and, um… mus-ic! you could ask for.
So, I… um, right… uh, this is Radio New Tomorrow, New Canton’s own radio station! [mutters] I said that already, didn’t I? Yes. [out loud] Uh, but some of you listening aren’t from New Canton. We’ve got all those Abel refugees, and the other settlements that have come into the fold since the attack. So, what would you like to know?
The news! Yes. Okay. Uh, well, uh, the west field’s been planted now, so that’s good. We all wanted a bit more spinach in our food, [laughs] don’t we? Runner One Four Six found a new recipe book in that burned-out WHSmith’s in town, and for once, it isn’t a Jamie Oliver!
Oh, and the hens have been laying great, apparently. All the new cockerel must have got their juices flowing. So, it’s Eggs Florentine for everyone! Well, everyone who eats out of Kitchens Seven, Twelve, and Twenty. We haven’t got that many eggs.
Okay, um, that’s all the food news, apart from the incident with the brown sauce, but that’s best forgotten. So, I’ll be back with other news after this musical interlude!
Random People[]
(Plays if Season 2 Mission 7: Mummy's Hand has not been completed.)
PHIL CHEESEMAN: What a tune. Political news now, ci-ti-zens! You all know about the council selections. Five new citizens have been chosen at random to help run New Canton. It’s exactly the way they did things in Ancient Athens, only they probably didn’t use an old Camelot lotto machine to pick people. [laughs] Anyway, well done to Fiona Singh, Russell Reed, Louise Bushet – Bou… Bouch… Bouchet? B - Louise, Gavin Porter, and Alison Whiting.
It’s a proud moment when you’re picked to help lead us all into a bright new future, but… we’re all glad the Permanent Advisory Council is still here to, you know, advise. There’s nothing like the benefit of experience, is there? And these guys have been running – I mean, advising – the show since Day Zero.
The thing is, when you pick people at random, you can end up with really random people, which is – obviously, that’s the point, only… there was that whole Peter Griffiths thing. Do you remember that? He was picked to be Head Kitchen Administrator, but he had mental health issues.
No, let’s call a spade a spade. He was as nutty as a fruitcake. Don’t really know why he decided to put caustic soda on the roast potatoes, but he did. Five hundred potatoes. It’s amazing no one died. So, now Mister Griffiths is being looked after in Building Nine, and the Permanent Advisory Council are keeping a closer eye on things.
So, yeah. That’s the news on the recent council selections. I’ll be back with more after this!
Zoe[]
(Plays if Season 2 Mission 7: Mummy's Hand has not been completed.)
PHIL CHEESEMAN: What a lovely song. And next, I’ve got a surprise for you! You and me both, in fact. I was talking about the Permanent Advisory Council, and now Esteban Sosa’s here! Right here in the studio with me.
ESTEBAN SOSA: Hola. Thank you, Philip. I’m sorry to interrupt your workflow in this way, but there is a press release to share with our citizens. Philip has been doing so well on the radio. Excellent efficiency report. And now, he’ll be even better because we are bringing in a new coworker for him!
PHIL CHEESEMAN: A… coworker?
ESTEBAN SOSA: Yes. A cohost for your radio show. And she has in-job experience. She was a DJ on the radio before Day Zero, but we’re most fortunate that everyone turned into zombies since she fled to New Canton.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Right. That’s a real piece of luck. Uh, what’s her name then, this new DJ?
ESTEBAN SOSA: Zoe Crick. She will be joining you soon and greatly improving efficiency.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: [whispers] But I thought I was efficient. Am I not efficient enough? I can try harder.
ESTEBAN SOSA: You are perfectly efficient, Philip, but there is always room for improvement, yes? We must aim high, even when we fall short. This is our motto, is it not?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, I suppose.
ESTEBAN SOSA: And now it is time for another song.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Is it? Oh yeah, okay. Here you go, ci-ti-zens. I – I mean, me and Zoe Crick, I suppose – will be back soon.
Brown Sauce[]
(Plays if Season 2 Mission 7: Mummy's Hand has been completed.)
[static]
EUGENE WOODS: Almost there… almost there…
JACK HOLDEN: Just one more…
EUGENE WOODS: No, no, worse! Much worse!
JACK HOLDEN: Damn! Damn it! [obscured by static; static fades]
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hello, ci-ti-zens! You’re listening to Radio New Tomorrow! After the unfortunate incident over at Abel, we’re filling the empty airwaves with all the news, views, and, um… mus-ic! you could ask for.
So, I… um, right… uh, this is Radio New Tomorrow, New Canton’s own radio station! [mutters] I said that already, didn’t I? Yes. [out loud] Uh, but some of you listening aren’t from New Canton. We’ve got all those Abel refugees, and the other settlements that have come into the fold since the attack. So, what would you like to know?
The news! Yes. Okay. Uh, well, uh, the west field’s been planted now, so that’s good. We all wanted a bit more spinach in our food, [laughs] don’t we? Runner One Four Six found a new recipe book in that burned-out WHSmith’s in town, and for once, it isn’t a Jamie Oliver!
Oh, and the hens have been laying great, apparently. All the new cockerel must have got their juices flowing. So, it’s Eggs Florentine for everyone! Well, everyone who eats out of Kitchens Seven, Twelve, and Twenty. We haven’t got that many eggs.
Okay, um, that’s all the food news, apart from the incident with the brown sauce, but that’s best forgotten. So, I’ll be back with other news after this musical interlude!
Random People[]
(Plays if Season 2 Mission 7: Mummy's Hand has been completed.)
PHIL CHEESEMAN: What a tune. Political news now, ci-ti-zens! You all know about the council selections. Five new citizens have been chosen at random to help run New Canton. It’s exactly the way they did things in Ancient Athens, only they probably didn’t use an old Camelot lotto machine to pick people. [laughs] Anyway, well done to Fiona Singh, Russell Reed, Louise Bushet – Bou… Bouch… Bouchet? B - Louise, Gavin Porter, and Alison Whiting.
It’s a proud moment when you’re picked to help lead us all into a bright new future, but… we’re all glad the Permanent Advisory Council is still here to, you know, advise. There’s nothing like the benefit of experience, is there? And these guys have been running – I mean, advising – the show since Day Zero.
The thing is, when you pick people at random, you can end up with really random people, which is – obviously, that’s the point, only… there was that whole Peter Griffiths thing. Do you remember that? He was picked to be Head Kitchen Administrator, but he had mental health issues.
No, let’s call a spade a spade. He was as nutty as a fruitcake. Don’t really know why he decided to put caustic soda on the roast potatoes, but he did. Five hundred potatoes. It’s amazing no one died. So, now Mister Griffiths is being looked after in Building Nine, and the Permanent Advisory Council are keeping a closer eye on things.
So, yeah. That’s the news on the recent council selections. I’ll be back with more after this!
Zoe[]
(Plays if Season 2 Mission 7: Mummy's Hand has been completed.)
PHIL CHEESEMAN: What a lovely song. And next, I’ve got a surprise for you! You and me both, in fact. I was talking about the Permanent Advisory Council, and now Esteban Sosa’s here! Right here in the studio with me.
ESTEBAN SOSA: Hola. Thank you, Philip. I’m sorry to interrupt your workflow in this way, but there is a press release to share with our citizens. Philip has been doing so well on the radio. Excellent efficiency report. And now, he’ll be even better because we are bringing in a new coworker for him!
PHIL CHEESEMAN: A… coworker?
ESTEBAN SOSA: Yes. A cohost for your radio show. And she has in-job experience. She was a DJ on the radio before Day Zero, but we’re most fortunate that everyone turned into zombies since she fled to New Canton.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Right. That’s a real piece of luck. Uh, what’s her name then, this new DJ?
ESTEBAN SOSA: Zoe Crick. She will be joining you soon and greatly improving efficiency.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: [whispers] But I thought I was efficient. Am I not efficient enough? I can try harder.
ESTEBAN SOSA: You are perfectly efficient, Philip, but there is always room for improvement, yes? We must aim high, even when we fall short. This is our motto, is it not?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, I suppose.
ESTEBAN SOSA: And now it is time for another song.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Is it? Oh yeah, okay. Here you go, ci-ti-zens. I – I mean, me and Zoe Crick, I suppose – will be back soon.
Shoot For The Stars[]
(Plays if Season 2 Mission 7: Mummy's Hand has not been completed.)
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Welcome back, ci-ti-zens! We promised it was going to happen, and now it has. I’d like to introduce my new cohost on Radio New Tomorrow: the one, the only, Zoe Crick!
ZOE CRICK: Hi.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: … Right! Do you want to, I don’t know, tell us a bit about yourself?
ZOE CRICK: Sure. I’m 5'4", blonde hair, hazel eyes. Good sense of humor, not a great cook. Once had a cat called Pickles. Got eaten by the undead, you know how it goes. How about you, Phil? Any zombie-related pet disasters in your past?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh, no?
ZOE CRICK: Okay then. Maybe we need to work a bit on the banter? Get snappy, liven things up a little? Cheer up an audience that, let’s be honest, probably needs all the cheering up it can get.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh, I was cheerful before. Uh, I made people happy before you came along.
ZOE CRICK: I’m sure you did. Do you have any evidence for that?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: People wrote me letters to say how much they liked the show. I’ve got...four right here.
ZOE CRICK: Four. Wow. You know what, let’s shoot for the stars and try to get that up to a round half dozen. Maybe this little ditty will help.
Radio Norwich[]
(Plays if Season 2 Mission 7: Mummy's Hand has not been completed.)
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Welcome back, ci-ti-zens. You’re listening to Radio New Tomorrow, bringing you all the hits, all of the time.
ZOE CRICK: Or the hits we pilfer from HMV on the occasions we have enough power to transmit them. On the plus side, we guarantee absolutely no adverts, because there’s nothing left to buy.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: And that’s the irrepressible wit of my brand new cohost, Zoe Crick! Coming up next: feng shui. Now it can bring your home back to life.
ZOE CRICK: No, you’re not hallucinating. We really are going to be talking about feng shui.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Don’t go away. [whispers] You could at least make an effort! That’s why Esteban picked you to do this. You used to be a professional DJ!
ZOE CRICK: Yes, I was. With Radio Norwich.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Would you rather be out there with the runners, dodging zoms?
ZOE CRICK: [laughs] Good point. Back to the song now, listeners. Yes, Phil. The mic was still on.
Restore Your Harmony[]
(Plays if Season 2 Mission 7: Mummy's Hand has not been completed.)
ZOE CRICK: So. Phil. I believe you were going to tell us about feng shui.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yes! Feng shui, the auspicious art of the ancients, is of great benefit to modern man, who -
ZOE CRICK: He’s reading this from a book, by the way.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: - modern man, whose home is unbalanced by monolithic forces of order and disharmony.
ZOE CRICK: And I think it might have been self-published. [PHIL CHEESEMAN sighs] Maybe you’d like to sum it up in your own words, Phil. Ones that actually make sense.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Right. Uh, well uh, feng shui is… it’s a way of organizing your home so it, you know, uh, helps your life aspirations.
ZOE CRICK: That’s great! My aspiration’s not to be eaten by zombies. What would you suggest for that?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, uh… for example, if you’ve got a neighbor you don’t like, you can put a mirror facing them. It reflects back all their negative energy. Oh, and you should always look after your door. It’s where the chi enters your home.
ZOE CRICK: Mm. Also, the undead.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Are you going to take this seriously or not?
ZOE CRICK: I’m going to have to go with… not.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, that’s great! It’s going to be so much fun working with you.
ZOE CRICK: It’s going to be a delight for both of us. And most of all, for our listeners. We’ll be back with more, but in the meantime, here’s a little tune that always restores my harmony.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: [mockingly imitates ZOE CRICK] Restores my harmony.
Shoot For The Stars[]
(Plays if Season 2 Mission 7: Mummy's Hand has been completed.)
[static]
EUGENE WOODS: What about now?
JACK HOLDEN: No, it was much better when you had your hand there -
EUGENE HOLDEN: Here?
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, just put your hand back on that bit of wire, and -
EUGENE HOLDEN: Ow! Mother-[drowned out by static; static fades]
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Welcome back, ci-ti-zens! We promised it was going to happen, and now it has. I’d like to introduce my new cohost on Radio New Tomorrow: the one, the only, Zoe Crick!
ZOE CRICK: Hi.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: … Right! Do you want to, I don’t know, tell us a bit about yourself?
ZOE CRICK: Sure. I’m 5'4", blonde hair, hazel eyes. Good sense of humor, not a great cook. Once had a cat called Pickles. Got eaten by the undead, you know how it goes. How about you, Phil? Any zombie-related pet disasters in your past?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh, no.
ZOE CRICK: Okay then. Maybe we need to work a bit on the banter? Get snappy, liven things up a little? Cheer up an audience that, let’s be honest, probably needs all the cheering up it can get.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh, I was cheerful before. Uh, I made people happy before you came along.
ZOE CRICK: I’m sure you did. Do you have any evidence for that?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: People wrote me letters to say how much they liked the show. I’ve got...four right here.
ZOE CRICK: Four. Wow. You know what, let’s shoot for the stars and try to get that up to a round half dozen. Maybe this little ditty will help.
Radio Norwich[]
(Plays if Season 2 Mission 7: Mummy's Hand has been completed.)
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Welcome back, ci-ti-zens. You’re listening to Radio New Tomorrow, bringing you all the hits, all of the time.
ZOE CRICK: Or the hits we pilfer from HMV on the occasions we have enough power to transmit them. On the plus side, we guarantee absolutely no adverts, because there’s nothing left to buy.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: And that’s the irrepressible wit of my brand new cohost, Zoe Crick! Coming up next: feng shui. Now it can bring your home back to life.
ZOE CRICK: No, you’re not hallucinating. We really are going to be talking about feng shui.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Don’t go away. [whispers] You could at least make an effort! That’s why Esteban picked you to do this. You used to be a professional DJ!
ZOE CRICK: Yes, I was. With Radio Norwich.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Would you rather be out there with the runners, dodging zoms?
ZOE CRICK: [laughs] Good point. Back to the song now, listeners. Yes, Phil. The mic was still on.
Restore Your Harmony[]
(Plays if Season 2 Mission 7: Mummy's Hand has been completed.)
ZOE CRICK: So. Phil. I believe you were going to tell us about feng shui.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yes! Feng shui, the auspicious art of the ancients, is of great benefit to modern man -
ZOE CRICK: He’s reading this from a book, by the way.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: - modern man, whose home is unbalanced by monolithic forces of order and disharmony.
ZOE CRICK: And I think it might have been self-published. [PHIL CHEESEMAN sighs] Maybe you’d like to sum it up in your own words, Phil. Ones that actually make sense.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Right. Uh, well uh, feng shui is… it’s a way of organizing your home so it, you know, uh, helps your life aspirations.
ZOE CRICK: That’s great! My aspiration’s not to be eaten by zombies. What would you suggest for that?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, uh… for example, if you’ve got a neighbor you don’t like, you can put a mirror facing them. It reflects back all their negative energy. Oh, and you should always look after your door. It’s where the chi enters your home.
ZOE CRICK: Mm. Also, the undead.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Are you going to take this seriously or not?
ZOE CRICK: I’m going to have to go with… not.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, that’s great! It’s going to be so much fun working with you.
ZOE CRICK: It’s going to be a delight for both of us. And most of all, for our listeners. We’ll be back with more, but in the meantime, here’s a little tune that always restores my harmony.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: [mockingly imitates ZOE CRICK] Restores my harmony.
Triumph From Tragedy[]
(Plays if Season 2 Mission 7: Mummy's Hand has not been completed.)
PHIL CHEESEMAN: We’d like to say a big hello to all those Abel refugees who’ve joined us over the last few weeks. We know you’ve been having a tough time of it, but don’t worry. You’ll soon find your feet.
ZOE CRICK: Yes! Give it a month, and you’ll be fully absorbed into the collective.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: [sighs] She’s joking! No, I mean, she really is joking. I know what you used to say about us at Abel, but it was a massive misunderstanding! There’s a reason we called our radio station New Tomorrow. It’s because we’re all about hope in New Canton. We’re hoping we can build a better world in the ashes of the old one.
[sound effect of someone vomiting violently]
ZOE CRICK: Sorry! Pressed the wrong button.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: I didn’t know we had sound effects.
ZOE CRICK: Yes. I’ve started creating a library. If there’s one thing civilization needs to restart itself, it’s comedy drum rolls on tap.
[sound effect of a percussion sting]
[PHIL CHEESEMAN laughs]
ZOE CRICK: So let me try to summarize the New Canton philosophy, Phil. I’m a newcomer here, too, so I want to make sure I’m getting it right. You all basically thought, “Life has given us lemons” - and by lemons, I mean zombies [humorless laugh] – “so let’s make lemonade” – and by lemonade, I mean invent an entirely new social order from scratch.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, you can take the mickey all you want, but we’re trying to make a triumph out of a tragedy. What’s wrong with that?
[sound effect of someone vomiting violently]
ZOE CRICK: Sorry! Slipped again. I don’t know about you, listeners, but I could do with a song.
Taken My Chances[]
(Plays if Season 2 Mission 7: Mummy's Hand has not been completed.)
PHIL CHEESEMAN: [whispers] - acting above it all, but we’ve got a job to do. If you didn’t want it, you shouldn’t have taken it. I was quite happy on my own.
ZOE CRICK: Mm. Unlike most of your audience.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: That’s rich, coming from you. You know what? You’re the most miserable, stuck-up -
ZOE CRICK: And talking of our audience, welcome back, listeners.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh! Oh. Right.
ZOE CRICK: As you can see, you’ve caught us in the middle of a lively debate. Phil’s offered the opinion that I’m an infuriating pain in the ass, and my counterpoint is that he just hasn’t taken the time to get to know me properly.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: All right, then. Tell me something about yourself. Something proper.
ZOE CRICK: Really?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, really.
ZOE CRICK: [sighs] Fine. What do you want to know?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Okay… how did you end up in New Canton?
ZOE CRICK: By accident. I was actually heading back home. My old family home in Peterborough, not my flat in Norwich. It’s funny, isn’t it? You grow up, you start to think your parents are idiots. Then something awful happens, and suddenly you just want your mom to tell you it’s all going to be okay.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Did she?
ZOE CRICK: She didn’t get the chance. Whole horde of zoms started chasing me - probably disgruntled listeners - and I hightailed it out of there. Kept moving from settlement to settlement. The zombies kept taking them out. I started to think they had it in for me. And eventually I reached New Canton. In retrospect, maybe I should have taken my chances with the zoms.
Ewar Woowar[]
(Plays if Season 2 Mission 7: Mummy's Hand has not been completed.)
PHIL CHEESEMAN: You know your trouble, Zoe? You try to make a joke out of everything. But sometimes, you have to be serious. You can’t laugh at everything.
ZOE CRICK: Yes I can.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: But you shouldn’t. I don’t.
ZOE CRICK: Right. So you never laugh at inappropriate times? I think we should put that to the test.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, what? You going to try and give me the giggles? It won’t work. You’re just not that funny.
ZOE CRICK: Ah, but what about the funniest joke of all time? If that doesn’t make you laugh, then nothing will, right? QED.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, but this is a family show.
ZOE CRICK: Good jokes don’t have to be filthy.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, they kind of do.
ZOE CRICK: Nope. I’ll tell you the funniest joke of all time.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh…
ZOE CRICK: Why does Edward Woodward have so many Ds in his name?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: You’ve got to be kidding me.
ZOE CRICK: Why does Edward Woodward have so many Ds in his name?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: I don’t know! Why does Edward Woodward have so many Ds in his name?
ZOE CRICK: Because if he didn’t, he’d be called Ewar Woowar. [PHIL CHEESEMAN snorts] See? He laughed.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: I did not.
ZOE CRICK: And there’s your proof, listeners. If bad jokes can make even Phil smile, they really are the answer to everything.
Triumph From Tragedy[]
(Plays if Season 2 Mission 7: Mummy's Hand has been completed.)
[static]
JACK HOLDEN: I honestly don’t know what else to try.
EUGENE WOODS: You’ll think of something.
JACK HOLDEN: They must have some kind of monster transmitter over there that’s just totally shutting us out. I can’t compete with that!
EUGENE WOODS: Hey! Of course you can. You’re Jack freaking Holden. You can compete with anything!
JACK HOLDEN: All right. Hand me that cathode ray - [drowned out by static; static fades]
PHIL CHEESEMAN: We’d like to say a big hello to all those Abel refugees who’ve joined us over the last few weeks. We know you’ve been having a tough time of it, but don’t worry. You’ll soon find your feet.
ZOE CRICK: Yes! Give it a month, and you’ll be fully absorbed into the collective.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: [sighs] She’s joking! No, I mean, she really is joking. I know what you used to say about us at Abel, but it was a massive misunderstanding! There’s a reason we called our radio station New Tomorrow. It’s because we’re all about hope in New Canton. We’re hoping we can build a better world in the ashes of the old one.
[sound effect of someone vomiting violently]
ZOE CRICK: Sorry! Pressed the wrong button.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: I didn’t know we had sound effects.
ZOE CRICK: Yes. I’ve started creating a library. If there’s one thing civilization needs to restart itself, it’s comedy drum rolls on tap.
[sound effect of a percussion sting]
[PHIL CHEESEMAN laughs]
ZOE CRICK: So let me try to summarize the New Canton philosophy, Phil. I’m a newcomer here, too, so I want to make sure I’m getting it right. You all basically thought, “Life has given us lemons” - and by lemons, I mean zombies [humorless laugh] – “so let’s make lemonade” – and by lemonade, I mean invent an entirely new social order from scratch.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, you can take the mickey all you want, but we’re trying to make a triumph out of a tragedy. What’s wrong with that?
[sound effect of someone vomiting violently]
ZOE CRICK: Sorry! Slipped again. I don’t know about you, listeners, but I could do with a song.
Taken My Chances[]
(Plays if Season 2 Mission 7: Mummy's Hand has been completed.)
PHIL CHEESEMAN: [whispers] - acting above it all, but we’ve got a job to do. If you didn’t want it, you shouldn’t have taken it. I was quite happy on my own.
ZOE CRICK: Mm. Unlike most of your audience.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: That’s rich, coming from you. You know what? You’re the most mierable, stuck-up -
ZOE CRICK: And talking of our audience, welcome back, listeners.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh! Oh. Right.
ZOE CRICK: As you can see, you’ve caught us in the middle of a lively debate. Phil’s offered the opinion that I’m an infuriating pain in the ass, and my counterpoint is that he just hasn’t taken the time to get to know me properly.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: All right, then. Tell me something about yourself. Something proper.
ZOE CRICK: Really?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, really.
ZOE CRICK: [sighs] Fine. What do you want to know?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Okay… how did you end up in New Canton?
ZOE CRICK: By accident. I was actually heading back home. My old family home in Peterborough, not my flat in Norwich. It’s funny, isn’t it? You grow up, you start to think your parents are idiots. Then something awful happens, and suddenly you just want your mom to tell you it’s all going to be okay.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Did she?
ZOE CRICK: She didn’t get the chance. Whole horde of zoms started chasing me - probably disgruntled listeners - and I hightailed it out of there. Kept moving from settlement to settlement. The zombies kept taking them out. I started to think they had it in for me. And eventually I reached New Canton. In retrospect, maybe I should have taken my chances with the zoms.
Ewar Woowar[]
(Plays if Season 2 Mission 7: Mummy's Hand has been completed.)
PHIL CHEESEMAN: You know your trouble, Zoe? You try to make a joke out of everything. But sometimes, you have to be serious. You can’t laugh at everything.
ZOE CRICK: Yes I can.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: But you shouldn’t. I don’t.
ZOE CRICK: Right. So you never laugh at inappropriate times? I think we should put that to the test.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, what? You going to try and give me the giggles? It won’t work. You’re just not that funny.
ZOE CRICK: Ah, but what about the funniest joke of all time? If that doesn’t make you laugh, then nothing will, right? QED.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, but this is a family show.
ZOE CRICK: Good jokes don’t have to be filthy.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, they kind of do.
ZOE CRICK: Nope. I’ll tell you the funniest joke of all time.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh…
ZOE CRICK: Why does Edward Woodward have so many Ds in his name?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: You’ve got to be kidding me.
ZOE CRICK: Why does Edward Woodward have so many Ds in his name?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: I don’t know! Why does Edward Woodward have so many Ds in his name?
ZOE CRICK: Because if he didn’t, he’d be called Ewar Woowar. [PHIL CHEESEMAN snorts] See? He laughed.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: I did not.
ZOE CRICK: And there’s your proof, listeners. If bad jokes can make even Phil smile, they really are the answer to everything.
Nonsense or Zom Sense?[]
(Plays if Season 2 Mission 7: Mummy's Hand has not been completed.)
PHIL CHEESEMAN: That one always brings a tear to my eye. Now, ci-ti-zens, today’s game is Myth or Mistake.
ZOE CRICK: I still think it’s a stupid name.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: No, it’s not. We’re debunking dangerous urban legends. It’s a public service.
ZOE CRICK: But it’s not myth or mistake. The myths are the mistakes. It’s true or false.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, that’s boring.
ZOE CRICK: Myth or Gospel?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: That doesn’t alliterate.
ZOE CRICK: Yeah, bloody hell, how could I have forgotten to do that?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: It needs to be memorable, that’s all I’m saying.
ZOE CRICK: Urban Myth or Suburban Miss?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, now you’re just spouting any old nonsense.
ZOE CRICK: Nonsense or Zom Sense?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, that’s… actually quite good.
ZOE CRICK: [sighs] We’ll be back with more Nonsense or Zom Sense right after this.
Thanks to The Runners[]
(Plays if Season 2 Mission 7: Mummy's Hand has not been completed.)
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Now, we need to talk about – I think some people are calling it “short pig.”
ZOE CRICK: I...don’t like the sound of that.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah. I wish I could tell you it isn’t, but it is. Some citizens have been eating zombie flesh.
ZOE CRICK: Are they insane? I mean, before they eat the meat.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, the thing is, there’s this story going around that if you roast it for five hours, it’s perfectly healthy.
ZOE CRICK: Hmm. Put in a clove of garlic and a sprinkle of oregano, you’d have zombie kleftiko. [PHIL CHEESEMAN laughs] Delicious if you ignore the whole going gray immediately afterwards thing.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, no, it doesn’t turn you into a zombie. That’s actually true.
ZOE CRICK: Oh.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: It just kills you.
ZOE CRICK: [laughs] But surely… surely nobody’s actually doing this.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Four deaths so far. If you’re starving, I suppose. Or if your kids are starving?
ZOE CRICK: Can I just say a big thank you to all our runners who keep us supplied with something other than the undead to eat?
Smell Like A Hobo[]
(Plays if Season 2 Mission 7: Mummy's Hand has not been completed.)
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Now, it’s time to talk about weeing on zombie bites.
ZOE CRICK: I’m not sure it’s ever time to talk about that.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: If you’re bitten, urine will help to stop the spread of infection. Nonsense or Zom Sense?
ZOE CRICK: Obviously nonsense.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Apparently not! Abel Township’s Doctor Myers has found out urea slows the spread of the virus.
ZOE CRICK: Slows it, but it’s not actually going to stop you going gray.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: No.
ZOE CRICK: So the question is whether you want to spend some of your last moments being peed on. If the answer is yes, congratulations! You’ll have a few more hours to smell like a hobo.
Citizens![]
(Plays if Season 2 Mission 7: Mummy's Hand has not been completed.)
ZOE CRICK: What I want to know is, how do these stories get spread?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, Rofflenet, I suppose.
ZOE CRICK: But not everyone has Rofflenet. So how do four different people simultaneously get the idea that charbroiling zombie legs is a good plan?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: It’s a sort of meme, isn’t it?
ZOE CRICK: Yeah. A zombie meme. A zeme! Wow, I’m on fire today.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, lucky me.
ZOE CRICK: Aw, I think you’re growing to appreciate me.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Whatever helps you sleep at night.
ZOE CRICK: Was that a joke?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: No.
ZOE CRICK: It was! You made a joke! I’m wearing him down, citizens.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Ha! You just said citizens.
ZOE CRICK: Oh God. We’re wearing each other down.
Strange Mind[]
(Plays if Season 2 Mission 7: Mummy's Hand has not been completed.)
ZOE CRICK: I’ve been thinking. It’s a bit like Japanese blowfish, isn’t it?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: I’ve got no idea what you’re talking about.
ZOE CRICK: Blowfish. They’re poisonous. If you want to eat them, you have to prepare them really, really carefully. You need to cut out all the right bits, or it’s hello neurotoxin and good night Sally.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, that’s what I’ve heard.
ZOE CRICK: Right. So how did they ever figure out which bit was poisonous? The first time someone ate a blowfish and carked it, did his friends go, “Before Fred died, it looked like he was really enjoying that meal. I reckon we should keep experimenting. I bet there’s some part of that fish I can eat without dying. It’s got to be worth the risk!”
Well, how many more people kicked the bucket before they figured out which bit they needed to cut out? But let me tell you, I like my food, but even I wouldn’t risk death for a nice piece of sushi.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: [laughs] You have a very strange mind. Has anyone ever told you that?
Nonsense or Zom Sense?[]
(Plays if Season 2 Mission 7: Mummy's Hand has been completed.)
[static]
JACK HOLDEN: Damn it! How is this signal so strong?
EUGENE WOODS: Can’t you just, I don’t know, boost the relay or something?
JACK HOLDEN: This isn’t Star Trek.
EUGENE WOODS: Reverse the polarity.
JACK HOLDEN: I’m a DJ, Jim, not a miracle-worker!
[static fades]
PHIL CHEESEMAN: That one always brings a tear to my eye. Now, ci-ti-zens, today’s game is Myth or Mistake.
ZOE CRICK: I still think it’s a stupid name.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: No, it’s not. We’re debunking dangerous urban legends. It’s a public service.
ZOE CRICK: But it’s not myth or mistake. The myths are the mistakes. It’s true or false.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, that’s boring.
ZOE CRICK: Myth or Gospel?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: That doesn’t alliterate.
ZOE CRICK: Yeah, bloody hell, how could I have forgotten to do that?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: It needs to be memorable, that’s all I’m saying.
ZOE CRICK: Urban Myth or Suburban Miss?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, now you’re just spouting any old nonsense.
ZOE CRICK: Nonsense or Zom Sense?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, that’s… actually quite good.
ZOE CRICK: [sighs] We’ll be back with more Nonsense or Zom Sense right after this.
Thanks To The Runners[]
(Plays if Season 2 Mission 7: Mummy's Hand has been completed.)
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Now, we need to talk about – I think some people are calling it “short pig.”
ZOE CRICK: I...don’t like the sound of that.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah. I wish I could tell you it isn’t, but it is. Some citizens have been eating zombie flesh.
ZOE CRICK: Are they insane? I mean, before they eat the meat.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, the thing is, there’s this story going around that if you roast it for five hours, it’s perfectly healthy.
ZOE CRICK: Hmm. Put in a clove of garlic and a sprinkle of oregano, you’d have zombie kleftiko. [PHIL CHEESEMAN laughs] Delicious if you ignore the whole going gray immediately afterwards thing.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, no, it doesn’t turn you into a zombie. That’s actually true.
ZOE CRICK: Oh.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: It just kills you.
ZOE CRICK: [laughs] But surely… surely nobody’s actually doing this.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Four deaths so far. If you’re starving, I suppose. Or if your kids are starving?
ZOE CRICK: Can I just say a big thank you to all our runners who keep us supplied with something other than the undead to eat?
Smell Like A Hobo[]
(Plays if Season 2 Mission 7: Mummy's Hand has been completed.)
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Now, it’s time to talk about weeing on zombie bites.
ZOE CRICK: I’m not sure it’s ever time to talk about that.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: If you’re bitten, urine will help to stop the spread of infection. Nonsense or Zom Sense?
ZOE CRICK: Obviously nonsense.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Apparently not! Abel Township’s Doctor Myers has found out urea slows the spread of the virus.
ZOE CRICK: Slows it, but it’s not actually going to stop you going gray.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: No.
ZOE CRICK: So the question is whether you want to spend some of your last moments being peed on. If the answer is yes, congratulations! You’ll have a few more hours to smell like a hobo.
Citizens![]
(Plays if Season 2 Mission 7: Mummy's Hand has been completed.)
ZOE CRICK: What I want to know is, how do these stories get spread?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, Rofflenet, I suppose.
ZOE CRICK: But not everyone has Rofflenet. So how do four different people simultaneously get the idea that charbroiling zombie legs is a good plan?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: It’s a sort of meme, isn’t it?
ZOE CRICK: Yeah. A zombie meme. A zeme! Wow, I’m on fire today.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, lucky me.
ZOE CRICK: Aw, I think you’re growing to appreciate me.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Whatever helps you sleep at night.
ZOE CRICK: Was that a joke?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: No.
ZOE CRICK: It was! You made a joke! I’m wearing him down, citizens.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Ha! You just said citizens.
ZOE CRICK: Oh God. We’re wearing each other down.
Strange Mind[]
(Plays if Season 2 Mission 7: Mummy's Hand has been completed.)
ZOE CRICK: I’ve been thinking. It’s a bit like Japanese blowfish, isn’t it?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: I’ve got no idea what you’re talking about.
ZOE CRICK: Blowfish. They’re poisonous. If you want to eat them, you have to prepare them really, really carefully. You need to cut out all the right bits, or it’s hello neurotoxin and good night Sally.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, that’s what I’ve heard.
ZOE CRICK: Right. So how did they ever figure out which bit was poisonous? The first time someone ate a blowfish and carked it, did his friends go, “Before Fred died, it looked like he was really enjoying that meal. I reckon we should keep experimenting. I bet there’s some part of that fish I can eat without dying. It’s got to be worth the risk!”
Well, how many more people kicked the bucket before they figured out which bit they needed to cut out? But let me tell you, I like my food, but even I wouldn’t risk death for a nice piece of sushi.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: [laughs] You have a very strange mind. Has anyone ever told you that?
First Sunset[]
(Plays if Season 2 Mission 7: Mummy's Hand has not been completed.)
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Since it’s the first day of the month today, ci-ti-zens, we’re going -
ZOE CRICK: No, it isn’t.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Isn’t it?
ZOE CRICK: I don’t know. I don’t think so.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, it’s the first day of the week.
ZOE CRICK: It’s Wednesday.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: I thought it was Monday. Never mind. For whatever reason, we’re talking about firsts. For whatever reason. It’s a day of firsts.
ZOE CRICK: Why?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Are we really going to start this all over again?
ZOE CRICK: Oh please, God, no.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: So, ci-ti-zens, have a think about your own favorite firsts - your first kiss, your first love, your first sunset over the sea - and we’ll be back after this.
First Kiss[]
(Plays if Season 2 Mission 7: Mummy's Hand has not been completed.)
ZOE CRICK: Apparently, we’re talking about firsts today, so let’s start with the obvious: your first ever shag.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Really?
ZOE CRICK: Yes.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: All right. What was yours?
ZOE CRICK: Why do I have to start?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Because it was your stupid idea.
ZOE CRICK: Fine. It was Joe McSweeney, at the back of the rec, Easter holiday of year eight.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Blimey, you started young.
ZOE CRICK: Are you judging me?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Of course not… year eight?!
ZOE CRICK: I was an early developer. Also, Joe McSweeney was fit. What about you? No, don’t tell me. You’re waiting for the perfect woman to come along, so you can have 2.4 kids and a fairy tale wedding. A white wedding.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, yeah, of course I am. No one does old-fashioned weddings anymore. It’s all gone no-frills.
ZOE CRICK: But we’ve got a rabbi, a vicar, and a registrar in New Canton. Runner Thirty-three’s quite handy with a needle, and Runner Ninety-eight can bake. People could do it properly if they wanted.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: No one has, though.
ZOE CRICK: Imagine the wedding list. Two tins of SPAM, a sports bra, a USB stick, some barbed wire…
PHIL CHEESEMAN: I wonder what the readings would be. Probably something from the Book of Revelations.
ZOE CRICK: [laughs] An extract from Where the Wind Blows and poetry by Sylvia Plath!
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Maybe some Smiths lyrics. “Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now.” [laughs]
ZOE CRICK: The first dance would be “Zombie Nation”, obviously.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: You’d have little gray bride and groom on top of the wedding cake. [laughs]
ZOE CRICK: [laughs] And – hang on. I see what you’ve done. You’re not getting out of it that easy. Weren’t we talking about the time you popped your cherry?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: And now we’re talking about this next song, which funnily enough, was the first one I ever kissed a girl to.
Mrs O'Grady[]
(Plays if Season 2 Mission 7: Mummy's Hand has not been completed.)
PHIL CHEESEMAN: I reckon the most memorable first of all is your first zom.
ZOE CRICK: The first one you saw, or the first one you killed?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Both, or either.
ZOE CRICK: Well, I’ve never killed one.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: You’re kidding.
ZOE CRICK: What can I say? I’m a lover, not a fighter. Don’t tell me you’ve slaughtered a load of zombies yourself.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: 10.
ZOE CRICK: 10?!
PHIL CHEESEMAN: No, hang on. 11. There was that crawler.
ZOE CRICK: Okay, let’s say I believe you. Which was your first?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Actually, it was an old lady I used to know before. Uh, Mrs. O'Grady. She always used to be in the corner shop when I was buying milk. She got a tin of cat food and a packet of Marlboro every day. And she had this great big evil-looking one-eyed tabby, and - I don’t know why – I used to imagine her and the cat sitting on the sofa, both sharing the tin of cat food and sparking up. It made me laugh.
And then there she was, lumbering towards me with half her arm falling off and her face kind of sagging, you know, the way they get after a while. She was still wearing that knitted yellow cardigan she always did, only there was blood all over it. I felt really bad, but still took her head off with a shovel.
ZOE CRICK: That must have been horrible.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Mm.
ZOE CRICK: Although at least with the old people you think, you know -
PHIL CHEESEMAN: They’ve had a good inning.
ZOE CRICK: - you can probably outrun them.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Ah, that isn’t funny. Poor Mrs. O'Grady.
ZOE CRICK: It’s a little bit funny. But Mrs. O'Grady, this one’s for you.
First Sunset[]
(Plays if Season 2 Mission 7: Mummy's Hand has been completed.)
[static]
EUGENE WOODS: Should it be doing that?
JACK HOLDEN: Should what be doing what?
EUGENE WOODS: This pinging green light.
JACK HOLDEN: What’s it doing?
EUGENE WOODS: Pinging. Greenly.
JACK HOLDEN: The pinging green light is pinging greenly?
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah.
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, it’s fine.
[static fades]
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Since it’s the first day of the month today, ci-ti-zens, we’re going -
ZOE CRICK: No, it isn’t.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Isn’t it?
ZOE CRICK: I don’t know. I don’t think so.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, it’s the first day of the week.
ZOE CRICK: It’s Wednesday.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: I thought it was Monday. Never mind. For whatever reason, we’re talking about firsts. For whatever reason. It’s a day of firsts.
ZOE CRICK: Why?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Are we really going to start this all over again?
ZOE CRICK: Oh please, God, no.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: So, ci-ti-zens, have a think about your own favorite firsts - your first kiss, your first love, your first sunset over the sea - and we’ll be back after this.
First Kiss[]
(Plays if Season 2 Mission 7: Mummy's Hand has been completed.)
ZOE CRICK: Apparently, we’re talking about firsts today, so let’s start with the obvious: your first ever shag.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Really?
ZOE CRICK: Yes.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: All right. What was yours?
ZOE CRICK: Why do I have to start?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Because it was your stupid idea.
ZOE CRICK: Fine. It was Joe McSweeney, at the back of the rec, Easter holiday of year eight.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Blimey, you started young.
ZOE CRICK: Are you judging me?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Of course not… year eight?!
ZOE CRICK: I was an early developer. Also, Joe McSweeney was fit. What about you? No, don’t tell me. You’re waiting for the perfect woman to come along, so you can have 2.4 kids and a fairy tale wedding. A white wedding.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, yeah, of course I am. No one does old-fashioned weddings anymore. It’s all gone no-frills.
ZOE CRICK: But we’ve got a rabbi, a vicar, and a registrar in New Canton. Runner Thirty-three’s quite handy with a needle, and Runner Ninety-eight can bake. People could do it properly if they wanted.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: No one has, though.
ZOE CRICK: Imagine the wedding list. Two tins of SPAM, a sports bra, a USB stick, some barbed wire…
PHIL CHEESEMAN: I wonder what the readings would be. Probably something from the Book of Revelations.
ZOE CRICK: [laughs] An extract from Where the Wind Blows and poetry by Sylvia Plath!
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Maybe some Smiths lyrics. “Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now.” [laughs]
ZOE CRICK: The first dance would be “Zombie Nation”, obviously.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: You’d have little gray bride and groom on top of the wedding cake. [laughs]
ZOE CRICK: [laughs] And – hang on. I see what you’ve done. You’re not getting out of it that easy. Weren’t we talking about the time you popped your cherry?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: And now we’re talking about this next song, which funnily enough, was the first one I ever kissed a girl to.
Mrs O'Grady[]
(Plays if Season 2 Mission 7: Mummy's Hand has been completed.)
PHIL CHEESEMAN: I reckon the most memorable first of all is your first zom.
ZOE CRICK: The first one you saw, or the first one you killed?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Both, or either.
ZOE CRICK: Well, I’ve never killed one.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: You’re kidding.
ZOE CRICK: What can I say? I’m a lover, not a fighter. Don’t tell me you’ve slaughtered a load of zombies yourself.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: 10.
ZOE CRICK: 10?!
PHIL CHEESEMAN: No, hang on. 11. There was that crawler.
ZOE CRICK: Okay, let’s say I believe you. Which was your first?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Actually, it was an old lady I used to know before. Uh, Mrs. O'Grady. She always used to be in the corner shop when I was buying milk. She got a tin of cat food and a packet of Marlboro every day. And she had this great big evil-looking one-eyed tabby, and - I don’t know why – I used to imagine her and the cat sitting on the sofa, both sharing the tin of cat food and sparking up. It made me laugh.
And then there she was, lumbering towards me with half her arm falling off and her face kind of sagging, you know, the way they get after a while. She was still wearing that knitted yellow cardigan she always did, only there was blood all over it. I felt really bad, but still took her head off with a shovel.
ZOE CRICK: That must have been horrible.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Mm.
ZOE CRICK: Although at least with the old people you think, you know -
PHIL CHEESEMAN: They’ve had a good inning.
ZOE CRICK: - you can probably outrun them.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Ah, that isn’t funny. Poor Mrs. O'Grady.
ZOE CRICK: It’s a little bit funny. But Mrs. O'Grady, this one’s for you.
The Stand[]
(Plays if Season 2 Mission 7: Mummy's Hand has not been completed.)
PHIL CHEESEMAN: If you’ve just tuned in, today is Book Club day! We’ve had Mumtaz Hussein, head of the Permanent Advisory Council, telling us why Jonathan Livingston Seagull is so inspirational. And later, Abel’s own Janine De Luca will be talking about, um… apparently, she’ll be talking about American Psycho. Good choice, Janine.
ZOE CRICK: If a little worrying for someone with hundreds of lives in her hands.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: It’s satirical.
ZOE CRICK: Does Janine know that?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Anyway, right now we’re discussing a book chosen by you, ci-ti-zens! Unfortunately the selection was a bit limited, because you had to pick from the stuff we’ve got in the library. That’s 173 books. But on the plus side, only six of them are copies of 50 Shades of Gray.
ZOE CRICK: Yesterday, you voted it down to a shortlist: The Stand, The Pelican Brief - don’t ask me, you chose them - The Da Vinci code - yes, really, The Da Vinci Code - Pride and Prejudice, and We Need To Talk About Kevin.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Zoe wanted to talk about Pride and Prejudice because she’s a girl.
ZOE CRICK: Woman.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Zoe wanted to talk about Pride and Prejudice because she’s a woman, but thankfully, you’ve chosen The Stand!
ZOE CRICK: We’ll be sharing our thoughts after this.
The Road[]
(Plays if Season 2 Mission 7: Mummy's Hand has not been completed.)
ZOE CRICK: Now listeners, I don’t want to criticize, but I have to ask: we’re all living through the apocalypse. Why would you want to read a book about the apocalypse?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Maybe it’s comforting.
ZOE CRICK: Comforting?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: You know, in a “things could be even worse” kind of way.
ZOE CRICK: You’ve got a strange idea of what’s comforting.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: No, if you think about it, why did people ever read this stuff?
ZOE CRICK: Because Steven King is – was… is… oh, who knows – one of the greatest writers of the 20th century?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: All the other ones, though. Like those books about someone’s horrible childhood.
ZOE CRICK: Oh, misery memoires?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah. Why does anyone want to read something so depressing? Because it makes their lives seem great by comparison. You may be getting chased by zombies on a regular basis, but at least your mom loved you.
ZOE CRICK: What if you’re getting chased by a zombie that was your mom?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh, then you’ll have to read The Road. No one’s life is worse than that.
ZOE CRICK: And talking of things that depress the hell out of me, have a listen to this.
Happy Ending[]
(Plays if Season 2 Mission 7: Mummy's Hand has not been completed.)
PHIL CHEESEMAN: So, we’ve been talking about Steven King’s classic novel, The Stand.
ZOE CRICK: Actually, we haven’t.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, yeah, but we’re going to start now.
ZOE CRICK: Can I make a confession?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh, okay.
ZOE CRICK: I’ve never read it.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh. That’s not very helpful.
ZOE CRICK: I’ve seen the miniseries. It was a bit rubbish, though.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: You should definitely read the book. I think Abel’s got a copy, if Runner Nine’s still hogging ours.
ZOE CRICK: No, they’ve just got Dolores Claiborne and The Talisman. Doesn’t matter. I don’t want to waste hours of my life on something that makes me feel even worse than I already do.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: But The Stand’s sort of… cheerful?
ZOE CRICK: I bet. The miniseries was a laugh riot.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, maybe cheerful isn’t it. Um… hopeful.
ZOE CRICK: So it all ends happily ever after for everyone?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, no.
ZOE CRICK: For most of the characters?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: It’s post-apocalyptic horror. At least some of them survive, and they rebuild a better society. They learned from their mistakes. I reckon that’s a happy ending.
ZOE CRICK: Does everyone get married and go to live in a massive great stately home in Derbyshire?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Obviously not.
ZOE CRICK: Then I’ll stick to Pride and Prejudice, thanks. And keep sending us your suggested reading, listeners.
The Stand[]
(Plays if Season 2 Mission 7: Mummy's Hand has been completed.)
[static]
EUGENE HOLDEN: Should I… get Janine?
JACK HOLDEN: What? Why?
EUGENE WOODS: Just… she might be able to…
JACK HOLDEN: I do not need Janine.
EUGENE WOODS: Okay, okay, fine.
[static fades]
PHIL CHEESEMAN: If you’ve just tuned in, today is Book Club day! We’ve had Mumtaz Hussein, head of the Permanent Advisory Council, telling us why Jonathan Livingston Seagull is so inspirational. And later, Abel’s own Janine De Luca will be talking about, um… apparently, she’ll be talking about American Psycho. Good choice, Janine.
ZOE CRICK: If a little worrying for someone with hundreds of lives in her hands.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: It’s satirical.
ZOE CRICK: Does Janine know that?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Anyway, right now we’re discussing a book chosen by you, ci-ti-zens! Unfortunately the selection was a bit limited, because you had to pick from the stuff we’ve got in the library. That’s 173 books. But on the plus side, only six of them are copies of 50 Shades of Gray.
ZOE CRICK: Yesterday, you voted it down to a shortlist: The Stand, The Pelican Brief - don’t ask me, you chose them - The Da Vinci code - yes, really, The Da Vinci Code - Pride and Prejudice, and We Need To Talk About Kevin.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Zoe wanted to talk about Pride and Prejudice because she’s a girl.
ZOE CRICK: Woman.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Zoe wanted to talk about Pride and Prejudice because she’s a woman, but thankfully, you’ve chosen The Stand!
ZOE CRICK: We’ll be sharing our thoughts after this.
The Road[]
(Plays if Season 2 Mission 7: Mummy's Hand has been completed.)
ZOE CRICK: Now listeners, I don’t want to criticize, but I have to ask: we’re all living through the apocalypse. Why would you want to read a book about the apocalypse?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Maybe it’s comforting.
ZOE CRICK: Comforting?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: You know, in a “things could be even worse” kind of way.
ZOE CRICK: You’ve got a strange idea of what’s comforting.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: No, if you think about it, why did people ever read this stuff?
ZOE CRICK: Because Steven King is – was… is… oh, who knows – one of the greatest writers of the 20th century?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: All the other ones, though. Like those books about someone’s horrible childhood.
ZOE CRICK: Oh, misery memoires?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah. Why does anyone want to read something so depressing? Because it makes their lives seem great by comparison. You may be getting chased by zombies on a regular basis, but at least your mom loved you.
ZOE CRICK: What if you’re getting chased by a zombie that was your mom?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh, then you’ll have to read The Road. No one’s life is worse than that.
ZOE CRICK: And talking of things that depress the hell out of me, have a listen to this.
Happy Ending[]
(Plays if Season 2 Mission 7: Mummy's Hand has been completed.)
PHIL CHEESEMAN: So, we’ve been talking about Steven King’s classic novel, The Stand.
ZOE CRICK: Actually, we haven’t.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, yeah, but we’re going to start now.
ZOE CRICK: Can I make a confession?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh, okay.
ZOE CRICK: I’ve never read it.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh. That’s not very helpful.
ZOE CRICK: I’ve seen the miniseries. It was a bit rubbish, though.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: You should definitely read the book. I think Abel’s got a copy, if Runner Nine’s still hogging ours.
ZOE CRICK: No, they’ve just got Dolores Claiborne and The Talisman. Doesn’t matter. I don’t want to waste hours of my life on something that makes me feel even worse than I already do.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: But The Stand’s sort of… cheerful?
ZOE CRICK: I bet. The miniseries was a laugh riot.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, maybe cheerful isn’t it. Um… hopeful.
ZOE CRICK: So it all ends happily ever after for everyone?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, no.
ZOE CRICK: For most of the characters?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: It’s post-apocalyptic horror. At least some of them survive, and they rebuild a better society. They learned from their mistakes. I reckon that’s a happy ending.
ZOE CRICK: Does everyone get married and go to live in a massive great stately home in Derbyshire?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Obviously not.
ZOE CRICK: Then I’ll stick to Pride and Prejudice, thanks. And keep sending us your suggested reading, listeners.
Back After This[]
PHIL CHEESEMAN: I don’t get what you think’s so wrong about it.
ZOE CRICK: So you do the same in the same order every single morning.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, and?
ZOE CRICK: Brush your teeth, five minutes. Wash your face, one minute. Boil some water, two minutes. Dunk the tea bag one minute thirty-five seconds precisely.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yup. Thirty-five seconds makes the best cuppa. As long as you put the milk in first.
ZOE CRICK: Of course! You’d be an idiot not to.
ESTEBAN SOSA: Zoe, Philip.
ZOE CRICK: Esteban -
ESTEBAN SOSA: I’m so very sorry to interrupt.
ZOE CRICK: No, it’s fine. I’m sure our listeners would agree that we really, really weren’t talking about anything important.
ESTEBAN SOSA: Yes. We must prioritize. On top of our agenda has been this radio situation. Major de Santa is not happy that you’re pushing Radio Abel from the airwaves.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: It’s not our fault they went off the air! We didn’t blow up Abel.
ESTEBAN SOSA: True, Philip. However, Radio New Tomorrow is now blocking the Abel frequency. I think maybe we can agree that this is your fault.
ZOE CRICK: Fault’s a bit harsh -
ESTEBAN SOSA: You’re right, of course. We should be looking for synergies, not conflicts. Brand mergers rather than brand wars. This is why the Permanent Advisory Council has decided upon a joint broadcast.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: The Permanent Advisory Council wants us to - ?
ESTEBAN SOSA: - has decided, yes.
ZOE CRICK: Right. Well, um… stay tuned, listeners. We’ll be back after this. I think.
Stay Flexible[]
ZOE CRICK: Great song! One of my top ten guilty pleasures.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Welcome back, ci-ti-zens. So, yeah. If you’ve just tuned in, there’s been some big changes around here. Joining us all the way from Abel, we’ve got Jack and -
JACK HOLDEN: Hey guys! We’re back! Woohoo!
EUGENE WOODS: Hello everyone! Boy, it’s good to be back, wouldn’t you say, Jack?
JACK HOLDEN: Absolutely -
PHIL CHEESEMAN: - Jack and Eugene. Back on the airwaves for the new improved Radio New Tomorrow, now with added Abel. Lucky us.
ZOE CRICK: Anyway, before you joined us on the air, we were talking about routine. Right, Phil?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Right.
ZOE CRICK: Phil’s a big fan of routine. Not a big fan of change, are you, Phil?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: No, I’m not.
EUGENE WOODS: Oh, routine’s very important, isn’t it, Jack?
JACK HOLDEN: Oh, without a doubt, Gene.
EUGENE WOODS: Without routine, we’d be no better than animals.
JACK HOLDEN: Oh, I don’t know. Animals have routines, don’t they?
EUGENE WOODS: Like what?
JACK HOLDEN: Like -
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Don’t get off on a tangent. We don’t do tangents on Radio New Tomorrow.
JACK HOLDEN: Oh.
EUGENE WOODS: It wasn’t really a tangent, it was more -
ZOE CRICK: We totally do tangents on Radio New Tomorrow! We might as well call it Radio Tangent.
JACK HOLDEN: Tangents are good, anyway. Routines… yeah, routine’s fine and all, but when the world’s going crazy…
EUGENE WOODS: Like if you’re a survivor of the zombie apocalypse -
JACK HOLDEN: - surrounded by the living dead -
EUGENE WOODS: - never knowing when you might have to run for your life or kill one of your closest friends -
ZOE CRICK: Then it might be important to stay flexible. All right, let’s play some music.
Dead Air[]
PHIL CHEESEMAN: I don’t care how many listeners you think you have. That doesn’t change the principle -
EUGENE WOODS: Oh, get down from your high horse, Phil, for God’s sakes! You know you’re squatting this frequency at best. You swooped in here while you thought we were gone, and -
JACK HOLDEN: While you thought I was dead!
EUGENE WOODS: While you thought Jack was dead! And then you started -
PHIL CHEESEMAN: And then what? We were supposed to just leave that incredibly annoying recording running until, uh, the end of time?
ZOE CRICK: He has got a point.
JACK HOLDEN: Why didn’t you just start fresh on a new channel?
EUGENE WOODS: Exactly! You just wanted to poach our listeners.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: It is not about the listeners!
ZOE CRICK: Guys -
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Not now!
EUGENE WOODS: Oh, it’s not about the listeners, he says!
JACK HOLDEN: That’s rich!
ZOE CRICK: Guys!
PHIL CHEESEMAN: What?
EUGENE WOODS: What?
ZOE CRICK: Um, the song ended about a minute ago.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Damn it! This is your fault.
EUGENE WOODS: Me? The music’s playing from your end!
JACK HOLDEN: For God’s sake.
Stay Safe Out There[]
EUGENE WOODS: [sighs] Okay, listeners. Sorry about that.
JACK HOLDEN: Yes. Please accept our sincere apologies for the conduct of our substitutes.
EUGENE WOODS: Don’t worry, though. We’ve come to an agreement to avoid any further… difficulties.
JACK HOLDEN: Yep. Uh, the new plan is that we’ll be on a rota from now on.
EUGENE WOODS: So sometimes you’ll get us -
JACK HOLDEN: And then, unfortunately, sometimes you’ll be stuck with those guys.
EUGENE WOODS: It can’t be changed.
JACK HOLDEN: If it could, we would.
EUGENE WOODS: Indeed. But hey, at least we’re back, even if it’s only for part of the time.
JACK HOLDEN: Absolutely. And to celebrate the fact, here’s some music from your very favorite radio DJs.
EUGENE WOODS: [laughs] Stay safe out there, guys.
Useful Information[]
JACK HOLDEN: Okie dokie! Uh, we’re back with you, and it’s time for something we haven’t done in a little while.
EUGENE WOODS: [laughs] Well, we haven’t really done any of this in a little while.
JACK HOLDEN: I mean… yeah, okay, but well, this is something we haven’t done in an even littler while.
EUGENE WOODS: What?
JACK HOLDEN: It’s been longer since we did this.
EUGENE WOODS: Well, why didn’t you just say that?
JACK HOLDEN: Trying to keep the patter going?
EUGENE WOODS: Failing miserably?
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, yeah. Man.
EUGENE WOODS: Anyway, we’re just going to give you a bit of an update on what’s going on in and around Abel, where you can find shelter, where you can trade, and where you should avoid at all costs.
JACK HOLDEN: It’s useful information, guys, so stay with us.
EUGENE WOODS: We’ll be right back.
Moving On[]
EUGENE WOODS: All right then, Jack, how’s it looking out there?
JACK HOLDEN: Well first off, I want to say thanks to all our contributors on Rofflenet who’ve been feeding us this info since we came back on the air.
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah, thanks a bunch, everyone. We really couldn’t do this without you.
JACK HOLDEN: Not at all. You guys rock! Especially everyone at The New Times, which is bringing journalism back from the dead.
EUGENE WOODS: You really just won’t quit with the zombie puns, will you?
JACK HOLDEN: [laugh] Nope.
EUGENE WOODS: Just when you thought they were dead -
JACK HOLDEN: Oh, hey, don’t step to me!
EUGENE WOODS: - they keep coming back.
JACK HOLDEN: [laughs] You’re the worst!
EUGENE WOODS: Oh, don’t sell yourself short. Anyway guys, here’s the news. You ready?
JACK HOLDEN: Take it away!
EUGENE WOODS: Okay, so long time listeners to our show will remember our friends over at Phoenix Comics. Well, they’ve been back in touch to let us know that they’ve expanded, and now control the whole of Hemmins Town Square.
JACK HOLDEN: Nice work, guys.
EUGENE WOODS: Keep on fighting the good fight. They also wanted to let all of you know that they’re accepting any able-bodied folks looking for a safe place to stay. You’ll have to be prepared to work on their farm and help with their reconstruction efforts, but they’re offering hot water, clean housing, and fresh meat twice a month.
JACK HOLDEN: Sounds like a pretty sweet deal to me.
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah. Do you think they’ll want a radio host?
JACK HOLDEN: Don’t you mean two?
EUGENE WOODS: Oh. Oh jeez, this is awkward… uh, yeah, you’re not invited. Sorry, Jack.
JACK HOLDEN: [gasps] … listeners, I’m going to have a word with Eugene in private about other peoples’ feelings and how they should be respected and not hurt like a big mean-head.
EUGENE WOODS: [laughs] Don’t be so soft!
JACK HOLDEN: Mean-head!
Avoid The Dundrennan[]
JACK HOLDEN: Groovy.
EUGENE WOODS: Groovy?
JACK HOLDEN: Yup! That was a groovy song.
EUGENE WOODS: Well, I’m hip to that, brother.
JACK HOLDEN: [snorts] Dork.
EUGENE WOODS: Says you. What’s next on our list?
JACK HOLDEN: Oh… oh! Well, to follow our hot tip about the nicest place south of Gretna, we’ve got a big old warning for you all now.
EUGENE WOODS: Oh wow, this sounds nasty.
JACK HOLDEN: Yep. Um, everyone pay attention. We’ve received reports that there’s been an explosion at an old warehouse up near Hayfield.
EUGENE WOODS: Generator malfunction is what I heard.
JACK HOLDEN: Me too. Uh, there were a few people holed up there, unfortunately, but the important thing’s what happened next.
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah. Apparently, the warehouse used to be owned by some big cleaning company.
JACK HOLDEN: And a couple of hundred gallons of bleach, floor cleaner, and other nasty chemicals have leaked into the nearby river.
EUGENE WOODS: This is really bad news, guys, so whatever you do, do not drink water from the Dundrennan river.
JACK HOLDEN: We’re serious about this, guys. Stay away from the Dundrennan unless you’ve got a death wish.
EUGENE WOODS: This is so serious, we’re not going to even make any witty remarks about the situation. We’re just going to remind you: do not drink from the Dundrennan.
JACK HOLDEN: And now here’s a song.
Going Well[]
EUGENE WOODS: All right, guys. Now, to wrap things up for this feature, we’re going to get down and dirty with a quick shoutout to all the new green zones we’ve been hearing about. Take it away, Jack.
JACK HOLDEN: E.B. Park is clean. They’ve got a nice butterfly house, remember?
EUGENE WOODS: I believe you’re right. Also, Elan Amphitheater is clean.
JACK HOLDEN: Big up to the folks down there. Not an easy job.
EUGENE WOODS: The Ellis Stone Estate, clear of zoms.
JACK HOLDEN: Pendleton Heights, clear of zoms.
EUGENE WOODS: And finally, Venture Plaza.
JACK HOLDEN: Phew! Well, I’m glad to hear things are going so well.
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah, well, let’s hope they all stay clear for a while.
JACK HOLDEN: Totally. Uh, we could certainly do with some more good news.
EUGENE WOODS: And some more good tunes!
JACK HOLDEN: You read my mind. Right back after this.
Rota Rota Rota[]
JACK HOLDEN: All righty, guys, it’s now time for us to sign off and hand you back to the B team.
EUGENE WOODS: But before we go, we just have a quick tip to share with you all.
JACK HOLDEN: We do! Uh, this is the latest thing from the folks over at the New Times.
EUGENE WOODS: It’s all the rage right now. You see, listeners, since the whole zombie… invasion?
JACK HOLDEN: Kerfuffle?
EUGENE WOODS: Mishegoss.
JACK HOLDEN: Ooh.
EUGENE WOODS: Cool. Since the whole zombie mishegoss, it’s become increasingly difficult to keep track of your friends.
JACK HOLDEN: Where they are, what they’re doing.
EUGENE WOODS: Right, so the guys over at the NT have -
ZOE CRICK: Right, time’s up.
JACK HOLDEN: What?
EUGENE WOODS: Hey!
PHIL CHEESEMAN: We’ve been waiting twenty minutes for you to finish so we can get on.
ZOE CRICK: To be fair, it’s actually only been seven minutes.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: That’s not the point! We had an agreement. If these two would stick to the script -
ZOE CRICK: I don’t get the impression they actually have a script.
JACK HOLDEN: I beg your pardon! We plan our broadcasts very carefully, thank you very much!
EUGENE WOODS: Well, apart from the, uh -
JACK HOLDEN: Oh, yeah, apart from that. That is -
PHIL CHEESEMAN: The point is, the rota we agreed on isn’t working -
JACK HOLDEN: Oh, come on, Phil, don’t be that guy! Don’t -
PHIL CHEESEMAN: What guy?
JACK HOLDEN: The rota guy! Don’t – don’t do that to us.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: I am not Rota Guy.
JACK HOLDEN: [mockingly imitates PHIL CHEESEMAN] “Nah nah nah, I’m Phil. Rota rota rota!”
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Listen, you fa-
[JACK HOLDEN shouts]
ZOE CRICK: Whoa!
[three ascending synthesizer notes play, a echoing voice whispers, “New Tomorrow”]
Jingle[]
EUGENE WOODS: Okay. Now, things got a little heated, there -
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Why did you interrupt me?
JACK HOLDEN: Why did I interrupt a complete tool using a homophobic slur?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hey, I wasn’t - !
EUGENE WOODS: Jack, easy!
ZOE CRICK: We all need to calm down.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: I’m not a homophobe!
JACK HOLDEN: Oh, you were about to call me -
PHIL CHEESEMAN: - a fat idiot. A fat idiot. That’s what I was going to call you! “You fat idiot!”
JACK HOLDEN: Oh. Oh, sorry. … I’m not fat!
EUGENE WOODS: Okay, okay. Everyone, let’s just take a minute, okay?
ZOE CRICK: You know what I think our problem is? We’ve got a jingle, and you haven’t.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Really? You think that’s the problem?
ZOE CRICK: Yes. So, as a fence-building exercise – oh, hold on. Do I sound like Esteban?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yes.
ZOE CRICK: As an olive branch, I thought I’d do you guys your very own jingle.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: But you can’t sing, or play an instrument. You’re tone deaf.
ZOE CRICK: I didn’t say it would be a good jingle.
EUGENE WOODS: I can hardly wait. We’ll be back after this.
The Floor Is Yours[]
[accompanied by an electronic keyboard melody and shaker percussion beat, ZOE CRICK sings, “Jack and Eugene are… Radio Abel!”
ZOE CRICK: That’s it! In my defense, I didn’t have much time, and as Phil pointed out, I am tone deaf.
EUGENE WOODS: No, no, it was great. Thanks a lot.
JACK HOLDEN: Ugh. Sounded like a deodorant advert from the 70s.
EUGENE WOODS: Jack!
ZOE CRICK: Thanks.
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, sorry. That came out harsher than I thought it would.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Maybe try thinking before you speak next time.
JACK HOLDEN: Oh, and what would you know about that?
EUGENE WOODS: All right, all right! Jeez, enough. I need some air. Zoe, thank you for the song. Phil, the floor is yours. We’ll try not to overrun so much next time.
ZOE CRICK: Sure.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Goodbye! So nice of you to stop in.
ZOE CRICK: Phil! Just… oh God, just play a song, would you?
Tales From The Road[]
JACK HOLDEN: Okay. Now, we’ve been looking forward to playing these to you guys.
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah. When we asked you all to get in touch a while ago, we were really hoping this is what we’d get.
JACK HOLDEN: We’re about to play you all a series of stories from other listeners to Radio Abel. Now, I think it’s really important for us to tell our stories, to share them and understand what it was that we’ve all been through these past months.
EUGENE WOODS: It’s part of the healing process.
JACK HOLDEN: Right, exactly! We can’t accept our situation and cope with it unless we’re able to talk about it.
EUGENE WOODS: It’s how we’ll understand everything that’s happened.
JACK HOLDEN: Absolutely. So, we’re going to play you a song, and then we’ll be back with some tales from the road.
EUGENE WOODS: Stay safe, listeners.
JACK HOLDEN: Stay safe, guys.
Drunk Zombies[]
GARRETT: Hey there, guys. Uh, I’m not exactly sure this transmission will go through. Eh, regardless, I have a quick story you two might enjoy. So the other day I was casually avoiding getting my calves bitten off and I came across an overrun and trashed bar. Needless to say, looked like some down-and-out survivors got a bit, well, drunk. I guess the end of the world would be a good time as any to take up the bottle, right? [laughs] Yeah.
Well anyway, uh, they weren’t too lucky, and then about five minutes after scavenging the place, I was getting chased by wobbly, unbalanced zoms. Guess turning into a zombie doesn’t exactly sober one -
JACK HOLDEN: - up.
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah, you got cut off there, Garrett. We hope you’re all right.
JACK HOLDEN: Pretty great story, though. Did you ever see any drunk zoms, Gene?
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah, actually, just before we met. A group of rugby players near a tour coach. It was kind of creepy, though. They could barely stand, but every few seconds, one would manage to stagger to its feet, make a few steps towards me, and stumble and faceplant right back down again.
JACK HOLDEN: [laughs] Sounds hilarious to me.
EUGENE WOODS: It would have been, for sure, if it weren’t for the tenacity of them, you know? Like the Terminator.
JACK HOLDEN: Mm. I see your point. Creepy.
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah. Thanks for reminding me of that, Garrett.
Aces and Eights[]
SAMANTHA: Hi, my name’s Samantha. If you guys are looking for stories, I’ve got one for you. Back at the beginning, we were hiding out inside of this school. Wasn’t so bad. There was still food, and we barricaded inside the gymnasium. Baseball bats: very handy.
Anyway, this once, one zom almost got in, up to the shoulder. We managed to lop it off and get the door shut again, but the arm… no one wanted to touch it. It just laid there. And I guess we’d started to lose it, because it became sort of a pet. We named it. Aces and Eights, because um, it was a dead man’s hand. [laughs] Yeah, we… we definitely lost it.
JACK HOLDEN: Boom, boom!
EUGENE WOODS: [laughs] I love that joke.
JACK HOLDEN: It’s a poker thing, right?
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah, a poker thing. I’ll explain it later.
JACK HOLDEN: Oh great, I look forward to that turning into another tortuous bad beat story.
EUGENE WOODS: That? That is an essential part of any poker story.
JACK HOLDEN: I wish it wasn’t. Anyway Samantha, great stuff. I hope you and Aces and Eights are still well.
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah. I hope you’re not drawing dead.
JACK HOLDEN: I hate you.
[EUGENE WOODS laughs]
Corned Beef and Lentils[]
JENNY: Hi, Jack! Hi, Eugene! I just wanted to call up and say how much we all love your show. It’s great to hear the radio playing again. Almost like the old days.
I’m Jenny. I was on holiday with my two girls up in the north at the time of the outbreak. We were staying in a log cabin in a holiday village. Someone must have got cut and bled into the swimming pool because virtually everyone in the place went down at the same time. We hadn’t been using the pool because my youngest looked like she was going down with chicken pox, and we didn’t want to infect anyone else. Ironic, eh? One minute we were in a holiday camp, next minute, a death camp, holed up in the restaurant kitchen with a few non-infected members of staff. Some holiday that was.
Um, if it’s okay with you guys, I’d like to send a shoutout to my husband. Mark, if you’re still out there somewhere, we’re at your dad’s old place. We’re all fine. Missing you, though, obviously. Gabrielle’s got her first wobbly tooth, and Anna’s becoming a great cook. You’d be amazed at what she can do with some corned beef and lentils! Anyway, hope to see you again sometime. Love you.
EUGENE WOODS: Thanks for that, Jenny.
JACK HOLDEN: We’re really glad you guys are safe.
EUGENE WOODS: Amen to that. Mark, if you’re listening to this, buddy, you’ve got a wife and kids to get back to.
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah. And you’d better let us know how great Anna’s cooking is when you get there. Corned beef and lentils sounds delicious.
EUGENE WOODS: Jenny, Gabrielle, Anna, we hope Mark hears your message, and that he finds his way back to you soon. Until then, stay safe out there, guys.
JACK HOLDEN: Stay safe.
Our Idiots[]
[EUGENE WOODS and ZOE CRICK speak simultaneously]
EUGENE WOODS: Oh man, I love that song!
ZOE CRICK: Dear God, I hate that song!
[characters take turns speaking]
EUGENE WOODS: Oh, sorry.
ZOE CRICK: Hi. Sorry about that.
EUGENE WOODS: No, uh. No, it’s uh… Jack’s helping Janine with something, and uh…
ZOE CRICK: Yeah uh, Phil’s out, too. Feeling a bit useless?
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah.
ZOE CRICK: Yeah. [laughs] Me, too.
[EUGENE WOODS and ZOE CRICK speak simultaneously]
ZOE CRICK: So, uh -
EUGENE WOODS: Anyway -
[characters take turns speaking]
ZOE CRICK: [laughs] Again!
EUGENE WOODS: Sorry.
ZOE CRICK: It’s weird how you just get into a rhythm, isn’t it?
EUGENE WOODS: Totally! And you know, that gets thrown off really easily.
ZOE CRICK: Yeah.
EUGENE WOODS: I mean, Jack, he can be a real doofus, but…
ZOE CRICK: You two work well together, I’ll give you that.
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah. Yeah, we do. And you and Phil?
ZOE CRICK: Well, he’s an idiot, obviously.
EUGENE WOODS: [laughs] Yeah.
ZOE CRICK: But God help me, [laughs] I guess I’m stuck with him.
EUGENE WOODS: They’re idiots, but they’re our idiots.
ZOE CRICK: [giggles] Yeah. Maybe that should be the Fraternal Alliance’s new motto.
EUGENE WOODS: Hey, how about a song?
ZOE CRICK: Yeah, sounds good.
EUGENE WOODS: Now, you may not know this one…
Miracles[]
ZOE CRICK: Hey, that was actually all right.
EUGENE WOODS: Thanks. You know, I play bass on that one.
ZOE CRICK: Seriously?
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah, but I got fired pretty soon afterwards. They couldn’t handle how funky I was.
ZOE CRICK: That must have been hard on you.
EUGENE WOODS: No, I’m uh… I was joking. … Oh.
ZOE CRICK: [laughs] Come on.
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah, okay.
ZOE CRICK: You know, we don’t have our senses of humor surgically removed when we move into New Canton. I mean, I didn’t. I can’t speak for Phil.
EUGENE WOODS: No, no, I mean… Look. We sort of -
ZOE CRICK: - got off on the wrong foot?
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah. This hasn’t been the easiest time for us, you know, and -
ZOE CRICK: - it didn’t help that you came back to find someone else had been keeping your chairs warm.
EUGENE WOODS: No.
ZOE CRICK: It’s not like we did it to spite you guys.
EUGENE WOODS: No, of course not. Listen, uh, I’ll have a word with Jack, and you know, we’ll try and give you guys a little bit more space in the future.
ZOE CRICK: Maybe we could do a show together sometime. [laughs] How badly wrong can it go?
EUGENE WOODS: Apocalyptically badly?
ZOE CRICK: Still, let’s give it a shot.
EUGENE WOODS: If we can get Jack and Phil to behave.
ZOE CRICK: Apparently, miracles do happen. [laughs]
EUGENE WOODS: [laughs] Yeah, all right. Time for a song?
ZOE CRICK: Sounds good. Here’s one you might not have heard.
Hug Alison[]
( Plays if Season 2 Mission 12: Relight My Fire has been completed.)
ZOE CRICK: If you’ve just tuned in, today’s a special broadcast just for Jamie’s rugrats.
PHIL CHEESEMAN and ZOE CRICK simultaneously: Hi, kids!
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Right now, it’s the art competition! We asked you to draw a picture of an important place, person, or animal. Jamie’s sent them all in for us to pick some of our favorites.
ZOE CRICK: This is great. I feel just like Tony Hart. It’s time for the gallery. [hums theme tune]
PHIL CHEESEMAN: [whispers] They’re at primary school, Zoe. They don’t know who Tony Hart was. I didn’t know who he was until you started going on and on and on about him. [out loud] First up, there’s Tasha, aged seven. She’s sent us a picture of -
ZOE CRICK: I think that might be Jamie. I didn’t know he had three legs and bright blue skin, but -
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh yes, Tasha’s written it on. It’s a lovely picture of Jamie. That’s great, Tasha! You’re very talented.
ZOE CRICK: Six year old Eric has sent us a picture of what’s definitely a horse. And I think that’s him riding it. You’ve got a very realistic sense of motion there, Eric, I have to say. That horse definitely looks like it’s galloping, which makes sense, because you’ve drawn three zombies chasing it.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: And this is from… oh.
ZOE CRICK: Yeah, that’s… Jamie, if you’re listening, I think little Alison might need a hug. Or a very good therapist. Actually, probably both, unless you really have been reading the children the collected works of HP Lovecraft, in which case, well done, Alison! That does look exactly look like Shub-Niggurath, the Black Goat of the Woods.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Anyway, kiddos, this song’s for you.
Dry Cereal[]
( Plays if Season 2 Mission 12: Relight My Fire has been completed.)
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Now, we’ve heard that Runner Fifty-Three’s found sixteen whole packets of rice krispies, so we thought it’d be fun to learn how to make rice krispie cakes! Apart from the rice krispies, you’re going to need, uh… two ounces of unsalted butter. Yeah, that could be a problem. Do you think lard would do instead?
ZOE CRICK: How would I know? I once set fire to spaghetti. I don’t mean I burned it. It was actually aflame.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, lard’s fat, isn’t it? And Abel’s got a whole van full of it. Uh, let’s say two ounces of lard. You’re also going to need golden syrup, or honey if you haven’t got golden syrup. And if you haven’t got any honey, I suppose anything sweet will do. And then… yeah, the chocolate’s going to be a problem as well.
ZOE CRICK: Instant coffee powder?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Don’t be an idiot.
ZOE CRICK: But it is brown. And Runner Five just found a supermarket full of it.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: You know what, kiddos? Why don’t you all just have a lovely bowl of rice krispies.
ZOE CRICK: Is there any milk?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: A lovely dry bowl of rice krispies.
Question Time[]
( Plays if Season 2 Mission 12: Relight My Fire has been completed.)
PHIL CHEESEMAN: It’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for: question time. This was Jamie’s idea. He got you to write down all those confusing things you don’t understand, and we’re going to explain them to you. Isn’t that fun?
ZOE CRICK: Because, he says - and I quote – “It’ll stop the little monsters asking me the same thing over and over and over again.”
Our first question is from Jordan, and Jordan’s asking, “Why is the sky blue?” Well, it’s because the atmosphere refracts the different wavelengths of light, and -
PHIL CHEESEMAN: It’s because that’s the color the unicorns painted it.
ZOE CRICK: It’s – what?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: We all know it’s the unicorns’ job to paint the sky, and blue is their favorite color, Zoe. Next question.
ZOE CRICK: Right. Okay. Jasper wants to know where babies come from. That’s easy. It’s when two people have sex without protection -
PHIL CHEESEMAN: When a man gives a woman he loves a very special hug.
ZOE CRICK: ...Of course it is. Aaron’s asking why mommy and daddy had to go away and leave him alone, Phil. Perhaps you’d like to answer that one, too. I’m sure unicorns must have been involved somehow. Rather than, you know, zombies.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: ...It’s because sometimes bad things happen to good people, Aaron, and that’s very sad. But your mommy and daddy loved you very, very much, and every time you smile, they’ll be smiling right back at you from heaven.
ZOE CRICK: ...Yeah. That’s right, Aaron. You listen to what Phil’s telling you. He’s not always as stupid as he sounds. Your mommy and daddy are watching over you, and they asked me to play this song specially for you.
Stick Around[]
(Plays if base morale is greater than 50%.)
JACK HOLDEN: Well, uh… greetings, dear listeners. Uh, welcome back to Jack in the Shack! [laughs] This is our semi-regular segment where I witter on about nothing and do terrible impressions of stand-up comedians whenever Eugene has to leave for one reason or another.
You know, I’m not really sure where the hell he went. Dashed off in a right hurry during that song like it was the most important thing in the world. Anyway, uh, I’ve got a little routine I’ve been saving up for an occasion just like this. [paper rustles] One second, just have to find it…
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hello, ci-ti-zens, and welcome to today’s broadcast from Radio New Tomorrow. Zoe can’t join us today, so -
JACK HOLDEN: Hey, hey, ocupado!
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, sorry. Uh, Zoe said I should jump on to fill some dead air.
JACK HOLDEN: Oh. Really. Well, this is awkward.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: [humorless laugh] Just a bit.
JACK HOLDEN: Eugene ran off as well. Didn’t – didn’t say where.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, Zoe didn’t say where she was, either.
JACK HOLDEN: Oh. Oh my God, do you think they’re together?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: I, uh… I doubt it. You know, because um…
JACK HOLDEN: Oh, yeah, all that zombie-filled wasteland between here and there. Silly old me.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah. That. ...Listen, Jack, I uh, had a think, and uh, I just wanted to say, you know, I understand why you overreacted the other day.
JACK HOLDEN: Overreacted?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: No, I mean, I get why you’d be sensitive about that. Even if I wasn’t going to say it, I guess lots of other people have. So I’m sorry I upset you.
JACK HOLDEN: Oh. Uh, sure. Thanks. Hey, do you want to hear my impression of Louis C.K.?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, do you play trumpet?
JACK HOLDEN: What?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: He was a trumpeter, wasn’t he?
JACK HOLDEN: Oh, no no no, that’s uh, that’s Louis Armstrong.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh! [laughs] That’s funny.
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah. So, you want to stick around for a bit? I’ve got an idea.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, uh… yeah, okay.
JACK HOLDEN: Sweet! Let’s have some music on.
Tip Your Runners[]
(Plays if base morale is greater than 50%.)
JACK HOLDEN: All right, ready?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, ready.
JACK HOLDEN: Okay. Welcome back to Jack in the Shack, where we’ve got a special guest today! He’s a rising star on the Wasteland Comedy Circuit, and he’s here today to give us a preview of his hit routine. Please put your hands together for Phil!
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Thank you! Thank you! Thanks a lot. How are you doing tonight, ci-ti-zens? Listen, I um, I was on my way over here, and I noticed something - you know, have you noticed this? - how New Canton runners run like this: [imitates runner breathing and military tone] “On target. Hostiles in-bound. Location secure.” But then Abel runners run like this: [imitates out of shape runner breathing] “Oh! Oh, my feelings!” [JACK HOLDEN laughs in background] “Lord, I can’t believe he said that about that to him! I mean, did you hear that? I just - my emotions!”
JACK HOLDEN: [laughs] We do talk like that.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: And then – have you seen this? Have you noticed this? - how Abel makes decisions like this: [imitates leadership tone] “I’m in charge, chaps, and this is the plan.” But then New Canton makes decisions like this: “Oh, let’s have a double subcommittee round robin discussion to shortlist options on how to debate the decision, and then not do anything at all and end up with no hot water.”
JACK HOLDEN: [laughs] Zing! Right on the nose.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Thanks a lot, citizens, and good night! I’m here for the rest of my life. Tip your runners.
JACK HOLDEN: Phil, everybody! I’m going to go find Eugene, and then we’ll be right back. Here’s a song.
Getting The Major[]
(Plays if base morale is less than 50%.)
JACK HOLDEN: Okay. Hi, guys. Um, I’m back, on my own, because apparently something was so bloody urgent that Eugene’s had to barge out of here with no warning, so… that’s great. Thanks, Gene. Sometimes… I don’t know. It’s just… never mind. Sorry.
[sighs] I’m a bit wired. Sorry. Uh, none of us are really getting much sleep around here at the moment, and you know, it’s just a bit much. But as Eugene says, if we’re suffering, someone else is getting a break. I always like that idea -
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Right. Test, test, one two… Test, test, two three… Two, two -
JACK HOLDEN: Three.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Jesus!
JACK HOLDEN: You’re on air, idiot!
PHIL CHEESEMAN: What?
JACK HOLDEN: I’m broadcasting! We are live. And in our airtime, too, according to your precious rota.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: How was I supposed to know that? Zoe said I had to come in to fill some dead air while she was resting.
JACK HOLDEN: Well, that’s just bloody great, isn’t it? Dead air? I’ll give her dead air!
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, what, you going to spend another two hours discussing which type of leaf is best for toilet paper? Better leave some BAFTAs for the rest of us, Jack.
JACK HOLDEN: That was - ! I cannot believe - !
PHIL CHEESEMAN: What? Cannot believe that you have any listeners at all? Because neither can I.
JACK HOLDEN: You - ! You had… That’s it. I’m getting the Major. I’m done!
Best Service[]
(Plays if base morale is greater than 50%.)
JACK HOLDEN: Everyone ready?
EUGENE WOODS: Yup.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Ready.
ZOE CRICK: I’m good.
JACK HOLDEN: Great. Eugene?
EUGENE WOODS: Okay. Hello to all our dedicated listeners and to all the fans of Radio New Tomorrow. We’ve got an important broadcast for you all today.
ZOE CRICK: Miraculous, even.
EUGENE WOODS: Absolutely. So, as you might have noticed, we’ve been having a few -
ZOE CRICK: Conflicts of interest.
JACK HOLDEN: Blazing rows.
EUGENE WOODS: - heated discussions about the future of this station, and we want to apologize for those. It was unprofessional for us to air that dirty laundry in public. You deserve more from us, and we want to do better. As such, we’ve decided to come together to resolve these issues.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: And we’ve got to do it on air, in front of all of you. You see, this isn’t the old world anymore. We can’t be petty or -
ZOE CRICK: The evidence would suggest otherwise.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: We can’t afford to be petty, because we’re clinging on by our fingernails here, all of us. So it’s pull together, or fall apart.
JACK HOLDEN: The fact is, guys, if we don’t work together, we’re going to lose everything we’ve struggled so fiercely to protect. It’s natural for us to feel protective of the things we’ve built for ourselves, but we can’t let that instinct get in the way of our bigger goals.
ZOE CRICK: So everyone out there who’s listening, whether you’re at Abel or New Canton, whether you’re out there on your own or finding your feet in a new settlement, here’s what we want to say: [sighs] But honestly, Phil, this doesn’t even sound like me.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Just read it, Zoe. I spent hours over that. It’s not like you could have written something heartwarming for yourself, is it? I’m not sure you have a heart to warm.
ZOE CRICK: Fair point. So, listeners, it’s so easy to focus on the things that divide us that we can forget how much we have in common. We’ve all lost somebody to the outbreak. We’ve all been uprooted from our homes, had our livelihoods and our communities taken from us. We’ve all seen horror we could never have imagined. We’re all afraid.
EUGENE WOODS: But we also have an opportunity, a chance to come together and build a new world. One where we can put the problems of the past behind us and start again. One where the tragedy we’ve lived through gives us strength rather than driving us apart. One we’ve created together.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Now, we know what you’re thinking.
JACK HOLDEN: This is all just a bunch of bull coming from some guys on the radio who’ve had a falling out, and yeah, maybe you’re right.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: But we want to make this work. We want to show that we can make something better by working together than we can by fighting with each other.
JACK HOLDEN: So, we’re going to take some time to figure out how we can provide the best service for you guys. Then we’ll come back and let you know the plan.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: And until then -
ALL FOUR: Stay safe out there.
Ultimatum[]
(Plays if base morale is less than 50%.)
ZOE CRICK: Right. We’re back.
EUGENE WOODS: Hello, everyone.
ZOE CRICK: So, it appears that due to the inability of certain people to play well with others -
JACK HOLDEN: Hey!
PHIL CHEESEMAN: You tricked us.
ZOE CRICK: Because of your blow-up on air, we’ve now all been issued an ultimatum.
EUGENE WOODS: Yes. It seems that neither the Major nor the Council take well to being pestered by – what was it?
ZOE CRICK: “The whinging complaints of some overgrown schoolchildren at a time like this.” I think that was Janine, actually.
EUGENE WOODS: So, if we can’t come to an agreement here, if we don’t show that we can work together within the next five days, well, then…
ZOE CRICK: They’re going to shut down the station and throw us all in the brig for a month.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Which is ridiculous.
JACK HOLDEN: Exactly.
ZOE CRICK: I don’t know. I’d want to throw me in the brig if I’d been listening for the last few days. I say me, but really I mean Phil and Jack. I’m just trying to be tactful.
EUGENE WOODS: Yes. Zoe and I managed to work it out.
JACK HOLDEN: Oh, bully for you.
EUGENE WOODS: So - ! So, the two of you should be able to as well. We should be an example here, guys. An example of how we can work together as two communities. Because if we don’t, then what the hell is the point in all this rebuilding? We’ll just blow ourselves apart again once the zoms are gone.
JACK HOLDEN: ...Okay.
EUGENE WOODS: I’m sorry?
JACK HOLDEN: Okay.
EUGENE WOODS: Good. Thank you.
ZOE CRICK: Phil?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, yeah, okay. I’ll give it a try.
ZOE CRICK: Good. Okay, listeners, so that’s the situation. We’ve got a lot of work to do here, but we’re going to try to get better at this. And we’ll be back after this to explain how.
Radio Cable[]
ZOE CRICK: And we’re back.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hello, everyone.
ZOE CRICK: Jack and Eugene are here with us.
JACK HOLDEN: Hi!
EUGENE WOODS: Hello!
ZOE CRICK: Because we’re going to outline our plans for getting this station back on track while we still actually have some listeners.
EUGENE WOODS: And here’s how we’re going to do it. Firstly, we’re doing away with this Radio Abel, Radio New Tomorrow business.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Esteban says we’re "unifying our brand".
EUGENE WOODS: Exactly. From now on, we’re going to be -
JACK HOLDEN: WNYZ?
EUGENE WOODS: No.
JACK HOLDEN: Radio Cooperation.
EUGENE WOODS: No. Radio Cabel, because -
PHIL CHEESEMAN: It’s a mix of Canton and Abel, but catchy!
ZOE CRICK: Can you tell it was Phil’s idea?
[PHIL CHEESEMAN laughs]
EUGENE WOODS: Hey, I like it! So, you’re now listening to Radio Cabel.
ZOE CRICK: We’ll still do individual broadcasts, but we’re going to be trying out some ideas we’ve had for joint shows.
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, I hear Phil and Eugene are even working on a new sitcom.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, it was just a joke, really.
EUGENE WOODS: Oh, I liked it.
JACK HOLDEN: What was the title, Phil?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh, “The Living Bread.” [JACK HOLDEN laughs] It’s about zombies running a bakery.
JACK HOLDEN: Genius! Ah, so you’ve got that to look forward to, and much more as we move forward into a new age for post-apocalypse broadcasting. An age of cooperation, consistency, and co-entertainment.
ZOE CRICK: Smooth.
JACK HOLDEN: Contertainment.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Cotertainment?
JACK HOLDEN: Enteration?
EUGENE WOODS: Whatever it is, you can be sure it’ll be worth listening to. So stick with us on Radio Cabel. We’ll be right back.
Libellous[]
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Radio Cabel, bringing you up to date news, views, and true stories from the post-civilization world.
ZOE CRICK: Ooh! Is that our new ident?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah. Me and Jack made it up.
ZOE CRICK: It sounds pretty good.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Really?
ZOE CRICK: No. It’s terrible.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, I think it’s cool! Makes us seem more professional.
ZOE CRICK: And God knows we need all the help we can get. And on that front, don’t we have some notices?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Ooh, yeah, just a sec. [clears throat] The next meeting of the Citizens Advisory Meeting will be on Friday at noon. Amongst the issues raised will be -
ZOE CRICK: [laughs] Who are you, Jon Snow?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: [?], actually.
ZOE CRICK: Yeah, maybe set your sights a bit lower. Start with Gordon the Gopher and work up to Phillip Schofield.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Fine. You read out the next one, then.
ZOE CRICK: Okay. Lice screenings… ugh.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Ugh.
ZOE CRICK: Lice screenings will be carried out from four to six in the medical center for the next two weeks. All citizens must receive a screening certificate to be eligible for laundry tickets. Lovely.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, I know I’m clean.
ZOE CRICK: Oh, been down to the infirmary already, have you?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, I went yesterday.
ZOE CRICK: And I don’t suppose that was just to have a certain nurse stroke your hair, was it?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: What? No! No, I’m very conscious about my health, that’s all.
ZOE CRICK: Of course you are. Next notice.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: The last one. All citizens should note that many people need to use the communal bathrooms. As such, harsh penalties will be enforced on those using these facilites for recreational purposes. I think we all know what they mean by recreational.
ZOE CRICK: Yeah. I wonder who got caught.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: I can tell you, it was John -
ZOE CRICK: - someone we’re not going to name for legal reasons.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: What, you think they’re going to sue us? How?
ZOE CRICK: You never know. One day, civilization might be rebuilt, and if it is, I don’t want my first thought to be, “Well that’s blown it, now I’m going to get sued for libel.”
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Fair point. Let’s play one more song, then we’ll hand you all back over to Jack and Eugene.
ZOE CRICK: Sounds good.
Underpants[]
ZOE CRICK: Okay.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Welcome.
ZOE CRICK: Back.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Ci-ti-zens.
ZOE CRICK: Now.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: It’s.
ZOE CRICK: Time.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: To.
ZOE CRICK: Pass.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Over.
ZOE CRICK: To.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Our.
ZOE CRICK: Friends.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Colleagues.
ZOE CRICK: At.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Abel.
ZOE CRICK: Radio.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Guys.
ZOE CRICK: Are.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: You.
ZOE CRICK: There?
JACK HOLDEN: Yes.
EUGENE WOODS: We.
JACK HOLDEN: … oh, uh. Are.
EUGENE WOODS: Hello.
JACK HOLDEN: New.
EUGENE WOODS: Canton.
JACK HOLDEN: This.
EUGENE WOODS: Is.
JACK HOLDEN: Lots.
EUGENE WOODS: Of.
JACK HOLDEN: Fun.
EUGENE WOODS: Talking.
JACK HOLDEN: Of.
EUGENE WOODS: Fun.
JACK HOLDEN: It’s.
EUGENE WOODS: Also.
JACK HOLDEN: Fun.
EUGENE WOODS: To.
JACK HOLDEN: Sing.
EUGENE WOODS: About.
JACK HOLDEN: Underpants.
ZOE CRICK: [laughs] True.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: The.
JACK HOLDEN: Underpants.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Song.
ZOE CRICK: Is.
JACK HOLDEN: Purple.
ZOE CRICK: And.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Melodious.
ZOE CRICK: Nice.
JACK HOLDEN: Thanks.
EUGENE WOODS: Canton.
JACK HOLDEN: Have.
EUGENE WOODS: A.
JACK HOLDEN: Great.
EUGENE WOODS: Day.
JACK HOLDEN: Here’s.
EUGENE WOODS: Some.
JACK HOLDEN: Music.
[accompanied by three long ascending synthesizer notes and a shaker percussion beat, RADIO CABEL sing, “Jack and Eugene, Phil and Zoe, Jack and Eugene, Phil and Zoe, on… Radio Cabel!]
Buster Keaton[]
JACK HOLDEN: Well that was fun.
EUGENE WOODS: Says Mr. Underpants.
JACK HOLDEN: [singing] Underpants Song, it's the Underpants Song!
EUGENE WOODS: [laughs] I'll tell you something though. I'm certainly glad that last notice wasn't about us. That's mortifying.
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah. Well, we've never been caught.
EUGENE WOODS: Jack, we've never been in a position to be caught. Stop giving our listeners a bad impression.
JACK HOLDEN: Pshh, I dunno what's wrong with two grown men using the bathroom to make model airplanes.
EUGENE WOODS: I agree, but I'm not sure our bosses would.
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, but they just don't understand. That's the only place we can build them. [trying not to laugh] Without Sam messing around and glueing his fingers to his head again.
EUGENE WOODS: [laughs] He was so mad the last time that happened!
JACK HOLDEN: I know, right? Stomping around with one hand up to his face.
EUGENE WOODS: "Why didn't you guys stop me?"
JACK HOLDEN: "Now I have to get Maxine to cut me free!"
EUGENE WOODS: "How am I gonna open my marmite like this?"
JACK HOLDEN: [laughs] Sam Yao. Ah, the Buster Keaton of Abel Township, eh?
EUGENE WOODS: Except without the dress sense.
JACK HOLDEN: I dunno, he looks pretty good in the band camp hoodie he found.
EUGENE WOODS: Oh yeah, you're right. Speaking of band camp, here's a band for you now!
JACK HOLDEN: Seriously. That was like the worst segue ever.
EUGENE WOODS: Hey! They can't all be winners, buddy. It's not like we all have a team of writers here.
JACK HOLDEN: God. That'd make things so much easier. Then we wouldn't have to introduce songs like we'd had lobotomies.
EUGENE WOODS: Just play it, doofus.
JACK HOLDEN: Alright.
Disaster Preparedness[]
(Plays if base morale is less than 50%.)
EUGENE WOODS: Okay, guys. Now, we know things haven’t been so great around here lately.
JACK HOLDEN: That is, unless you enjoy constant attacks, a lack of supplies, and a general air of gloom and discontent.
EUGENE WOODS: And we’ve been asked to make a special broadcast to make sure everyone’s well-prepared for emergencies.
JACK HOLDEN: Now, we want to make it clear that no one’s expecting anything to go wrong in the near future, there’s – well, there’s no special reason to think we’ll be facing another disaster, but well…
EUGENE WOODS: Well, with the way things have been going lately, it’s better to be prepared.
JACK HOLDEN: Exactly.
EUGENE WOODS: So we’re going to be running through some things you can do to make sure you’re well-prepared for any problematic situations that might arise.
JACK HOLDEN: This has been a big topic of discussion ever since the outbreak. The prevailing opinion is that casualties would have been drastically lower had more people been properly prepared for a large scale disaster.
EUGENE WOODS: And just because we’re now living in its aftermath doesn’t mean we should be any less prepared for something else to happen.
JACK HOLDEN: More so, if anything.
EUGENE WOODS: Exactly. So we’re going to run through the three most important things you should do to make sure you’re ready should the worst happen.
JACK HOLDEN: Stay with us.
Bug-Out-Bag[]
(Plays if base morale is less than 50%.)
EUGENE WOODS: All right. We’re back with our first piece of advice on disaster preparedness, and this is really vital, guys, so do pay attention.
JACK HOLDEN: Okay. Um, now I don’t know about you, but there were countless days on the road when we were running out of food, or clean water, or some little essential, and I would have given anything to go back in time and pack myself a bag.
EUGENE WOODS: I certainly would have killed for a wheelchair at one point.
JACK HOLDEN: Right, exactly. Well, here we are now, ahead of time, able to pack ourselves a bag for the future.
EUGENE WOODS: Getting together your "bug-out bag” as we call it is one of the most important things you can do to prepare for a disaster situation. All you need here is to get yourself some kind of easy to carry bag, pack it with essential supplies, and place it somewhere where you can grab it quickly should you need it.
JACK HOLDEN: Now, essential supplies aren’t exactly in abundance right now, so we have to do a bit of modification to the standard list, but here we go.
EUGENE WOODS: First, as much clean water as you can spare. If you have three gallons per person, that should last you about three days, but really, you’ve just got to make sure you have at least a couple liters with you.
JACK HOLDEN: Second, you’ll ideally want any non-perishable food you have available. This is a difficult one right now for obvious reasons. There’s not a lot of food to spare, and we certainly can’t have people trying to hoard it while we have such a shortage.
EUGENE WOODS: As such, for those of you listening at Abel or New Canton, it’s been decided that emergency ration kits containing whatever food can be spared by the community as a whole will be placed in designated locations around the townships.
JACK HOLDEN: Now, these will be marked with yellow paint, and you can check your township’s community noticeboard for your nearest location. In an emergency, um, you should make sure you pick one of these kits up on your way to a safe location.
EUGENE WOODS: Uh, next you’ll want to make sure to pack some warm clothing and one blanket per person if you have it to spare. There’s no telling when you’ll need to use this bag, so it’s best to be prepared for the cold if you can.
JACK HOLDEN: After that, matches or some other method of lighting a fire are essential.
EUGENE WOODS: Fire’s not just vital for keeping yourself warm, but also for keeping yourself safe, cooking your food, and purifying your water.
JACK HOLDEN: Mmhmm. Uh, now finally, although we really shouldn’t need to be telling you this, you’ll need a weapon of some description. Now, we’ve spoken on this topic before, and you probably already have your own favorite piece of hardware, so we’ll leave this one up to you.
EUGENE WOODS: And make sure your bag’s somewhere convenient and easy to grab hold of quickly. When things start turning, you’re going to want to pick it up and head for your safe location right away.
JACK HOLDEN: And we’ll be back shortly to talk safe locations.
Planning[]
(Plays if base morale is less than 50%.)
EUGENE WOODS: So, safe locations. Again, this is one of those things we all wish we could have organized before Day Zero.
JACK HOLDEN: You’re going to want to take some time to identify a place that you can travel to quickly -
EUGENE WOODS: Within an hour or so on foot at the most.
JACK HOLDEN: - that’s also secure, easy to defend, and preferably has decent shelter from the elements.
EUGENE WOODS: Now again, Abel and New Canton have each identified a number of such locations nearby, which will be used as rallying points should either township need to be evacuated. These will be listed on your local community noticeboard.
JACK HOLDEN: So do take some time to check those out, guys.
EUGENE WOODS: If you’re not in Abel or New Canton, there’s a Rofflenet page on which people are posting details of safe locations around them, so you can check there to see if there’s an established safehouse near you.
JACK HOLDEN: Knowing this stuff ahead of time and having several different routes planned to each safe place could really make a difference in an emergency, so take the time to do that as soon as you can.
EUGENE WOODS: And don’t forget to make sure everyone you’re with knows the plan, knows where your bag’s located, and knows what to do should the worst happen.
JACK HOLDEN: Making sure the people you love have all the information they need to survive is one of the best ways you can keep them safe nowadays.
EUGENE WOODS: Finally, remember: in a disaster, it’s so easy to panic, but your best shot at survival is to stay calm and follow the plan.
JACK HOLDEN: Now we’re going to take a break to let you go and get your plans together. Stay safe out there.
Supply Slalom[]
(Plays if base morale is greater than 50%.)
EUGENE WOODS: All right, folks, welcome back. If you’re just joining us, we’re about to kick off our coverage of the first annual Abel Township Games.
JACK HOLDEN: That’s right, Eugene! Spirits are running high here at Abel as the whole township comes together to celebrate a period of relative peace and harmony with a day of organized sport. What have we got coming up, Gene?
EUGENE WOODS: Well Jack, our first event today is the supply collection slalom.
JACK HOLDEN: Ooh, talk us through it for those new to the sport.
EUGENE WOODS: Basically, it’s your standard running slalom: two hundred meters in each direction, with obstacles.
JACK HOLDEN: Those are our fake zombies.
EUGENE WOODS: Hats on sticks, yes. Now, along the slalom route are placed a variety of things the runners will need to collect.
JACK HOLDEN: Bottles, weapons, tins of food…
EUGENE WOODS: Exactly. You get half a second off your time for each thing you collect, half a second added if you knock a hat off a stick, and the winner is the one with the quickest time around the course.
JACK HOLDEN: And uh, it looks as if they’re starting soon! We’ll be right back with our coverage after this.
Jody Marsh[]
(Plays if base morale is greater than 50%.)
JACK HOLDEN: All right, they’re lining up at the starting line. Eugene, do you want to run us through the contestants?
EUGENE WOODS: Absolutely. In lane one, we have Runner Three -
JACK HOLDEN: Come on, Simon!
EUGENE WOODS: Hey! Unbiased sports broadcasting, remember?
JACK HOLDEN: All right, sorry.
EUGENE WOODS: Lane two holds Jody Marsh, Runner Four -
JACK HOLDEN: Come on, Jody!
EUGENE WOODS: Lane three, we’ve got Runner Nine, Roman -
JACK HOLDEN: Come on, Roman!
EUGENE WOODS: All right! All right, enough! It’s time. Lane four holds Runner Thirteen, Cameo Wood, and they’re taking their marks -
JACK HOLDEN: - and they’re off! Nice quick start from Jody there. She’s around the first zombie in a flash.
EUGENE WOODS: Stopping to pick up the water bottle. Good work.
JACK HOLDEN: Oh, but here’s Cameo Wood on the outside lane ignoring the first couple of items, already around the third zombie.
EUGENE WOODS: Interesting tactic, there. But Roman’s looking strong, three tins already in his pack, rounding the second zombie now with Jody ahead at number three.
JACK HOLDEN: While Cameo’s already on his way back, now going for the pickups he missed on the way out, but will it be enough?
EUGENE WOODS: Jody’s there, too, turning around, stooping for the Glock, back around the first zombie. Simon’s coming up close behind, neck and neck with Roman, and -
JACK HOLDEN: Oh! Nasty! Cameo slipped, taking down a zombie. That does not look good for Runner Thirteen.
EUGENE WOODS: And that’s given Jody time to catch up! She’s seeing the finish line, but Simon and Roman have gained ground on her. Simon’s carrying more, but Jody’s got the lead, she’s coming to the finish!
JACK HOLDEN: This is a real nail-biter, and – yes! There she is across the line with Roman in second and Simon in a close third. Cameo Wood, looking so strong at the beginning, crosses the line at fourth place after a disastrous tumble on the homeward leg.
EUGENE WOODS: Time to tot up the points, and it’s looking good for Jody Marsh. Here comes Janine with a count.
JACK HOLDEN: So, Simon got around in 63 seconds with 5 items collected and no penalties, which gives him a total of 60.5 seconds.
EUGENE WOODS: And Jody’s got, let’s see, she’s got around in 61 seconds. That’s got to be a winning time. And with 3 items collected, which puts her down at 59.5 seconds.
JACK HOLDEN: Things are looking good for Runner Four for certain. Now it’s time for Roman in lane three, who got around in 62 seconds, but only collected 2 items, looked like. He’s going to be just behind Simon with 61 seconds total.
EUGENE WOODS: And finally, Runner Thirteen, unlucky with that fall after such a strong start, crosses the line at 82 seconds with that half second penalty wiping out their only bonus, Cameo finishes with 82 seconds and comes in dead last.
JACK HOLDEN: So there you have it, listeners. Jody Marsh wins our first event, the supply collection slalom. We’ll be back right after this.
Janine De Luca[]
(Plays if base morale is greater than 50%.)
EUGENE WOODS: Okay, you are rejoining us as we cover the second event in today’s games. This one is kind of a novelty. Jack, care to explain?
JACK HOLDEN: Sure thing, Eugene. This event was actually inspired by one of our runners.
EUGENE WOODS: Naming no names…
JACK HOLDEN: Of course. Uh, the aim of the event is to be the person who can wear the most sports bras and still be able to touch their toes.
EUGENE WOODS: And if any of the bras pop off, then -
JACK HOLDEN: Do they pop off?
EUGENE WOODS: Uh, I don’t know. Don’t they have clasps?
JACK HOLDEN: I don’t think so. Aren’t they just like, tank tops?
EUGENE WOODS: Uh, I don’t know.
JACK HOLDEN: You know, I’m pretty sure they’re just a single piece of fabric.
EUGENE WOODS: All right then, well, let’s go with any of the bras tearing?
JACK HOLDEN: Yep, that works.
EUGENE WOODS: Cool. So, tearing will earn you an instant disqualification, as will falling over or tapping out due to discomfort or lack of breath. What are we up to?
JACK HOLDEN: Well, uh, we’re down to our last two competitors. Now, the current record is 18, held by our friendly neighborhood mechanic, Ed. And we’ve had three disqualifications with Maxine Myers having to tap out on 19, Anna Jackson toppling over while trying to touch her toes on 15, and uh, Sam Yao managing to tear his 20th bra while trying to put it on.
EUGENE WOODS: And now here comes Janine De Luca – an unexpected contender in this event – taking an unorthodox stance here. She’s already at 19, so she could go for the bend at this point and take the lead, but it looks like she’s trying to get another one on as well.
JACK HOLDEN: Going for the round 20 here, looking for the shut-out, but that’s the tactic that got Mister Yao disqualified, of course.
EUGENE WOODS: Certainly a risky one, but that’s Janine for you. And here she goes! That’s a pretty clean fit, nice smooth motion. Now she’s getting ready for the bend, and – yes! Yes, she’s made that.
JACK HOLDEN: Impressive work there from Miss De Luca, and she takes first place with 20. It’s always exciting to see someone playing at the top of their game, isn’t it? Only one contestant remains: Stephanie Miller. She’s been watching Janine with interest, trying to spot her tactics, get some tips on placement. And she’s stepping up to the mark now, sixteen bras already in place.
EUGENE WOODS: She’s getting the next couple on quite quickly here. I think she’s trying to outrun the discomfort and get this done as quickly as possible.
JACK HOLDEN: This is, after all, as much a sport of stamina as of dexterity.
EUGENE WOODS: Of course. And she’s up over, number 18 now, just 2 more to beat De Luca, but she’s not looking comfortable.
JACK HOLDEN: Looks like she’s got her arm caught, there.
EUGENE WOODS: Ooh, tricky position from Miller now. She’s going to have to free herself without assistance and before she runs out of steam.
JACK HOLDEN: Ooh, but it’s not looking good here. She’s trying to wiggle free but she’s getting short of breath. This is of course exactly what happened to Doctor Myers. Yep, she’s looking increasingly uncomfortable, and – ah, yes, there it is. She’s tapping out.
EUGENE WOODS: Oh, that’s unfortunate. They’re stepping in to help her, now. She’s looking pretty red in the face, pretty winded, but I’m sure she’ll be fine when she catches her breath. And with that, we have the pleasure of announcing Miss Janine De Luca as the victor!
JACK HOLDEN: Congratulations, Janine! She has to be happy with that result.
EUGENE WOODS: Absolutely. She showed guts, determination, and no small amount of technique. A well-deserved victory, and a new record.
JACK HOLDEN: ...Really?
EUGENE WOODS: Yes.
JACK HOLDEN: Huh! Well, we’ll be bringing you the next event after this.
Simon Lauchlan[]
(Plays if base morale is greater than 50%.)
EUGENE WOODS: And now we’re heading into the last event of the afternoon, and we’re joining it as the final competitor enters the arena.
JACK HOLDEN: Quite an ingenious event, this.
EUGENE WOODS: Oh, it’s a real masterwork from Ed.
JACK HOLDEN: Absolutely. And now, to explain, listeners, Ed has rigged up an arena with pulleys and ropes which are attached to, well…
EUGENE WOODS: Sacks.
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, sacks. Sacks full of straw with little targets on, and one at a time, the competitors are going to step into the arena and Ed starts pulling on the ropes, and -
EUGENE WOODS: The sacks swing at them like zombies. They have one minute to take down as many sacks as possible with the weapon of their choice.
JACK HOLDEN: Excluding guns, of course.
EUGENE WOODS: Of course. Points are awarded for style, efficiency, and of course, number of targets hit. I’m surprised you didn’t enter this one yourself, Jack.
JACK HOLDEN: Oh, you know Gene, I didn’t want to compromise your journalistic integrity.
EUGENE WOODS: Why? You knew I’d root against you.
JACK HOLDEN: [laughs] Ouch! Anyway, guys, the leader so far is Garik Duvall. He managed to make a very impressive 95 points with his golf club.
EUGENE WOODS: Some really accurate swings in there, Garik. Nice work.
JACK HOLDEN: But here comes Simon Lauchlan, looking cocky and ready for action. What’s that he’s carrying, Gene?
EUGENE WOODS: It looks to me like it’s just a pair of old garden shears.
JACK HOLDEN: Huh. I think you’re right. An odd choice.
EUGENE WOODS: Not like Simon to go for something so humdrum.
JACK HOLDEN: He does normally prefer things with a bit more flair, doesn’t he?
EUGENE WOODS: You can say that again.
JACK HOLDEN: He does normally prefer things -
EUGENE WOODS: Don’t!
JACK HOLDEN: Sorry.
EUGENE WOODS: So, Simon’s stepping into the arena and he’s getting his countdown. Four, three, two, one. Here he goes! And he’s side-stepping the first zombie. Didn’t seem to be interested in that one at all.
JACK HOLDEN: No. He hasn’t even raised his weapon. In fact, he’s stepping around the edge of the arena and he’s – what’s he doing?
EUGENE WOODS: He can’t be.
JACK HOLDEN: What?
EUGENE WOODS: No, that’s -
JACK HOLDEN: What’s he doing?
EUGENE WOODS: He’s clipping the ropes! He’s breaking the arena to down the targets all at once!
JACK HOLDEN: Oh my God, has he - ? He actually has. He’s Kobayashi Maru’d it.
EUGENE WOODS: What?
JACK HOLDEN: Star Trek. I’ll explain later. Ed does not look happy about this.
EUGENE WOODS: Not at all. He’s running down into the arena and – oh man, Simon’s in some trouble here. He’s backed against the wall, and – oh! People are rushing in to separate them, and – oh. Well, that escalated quickly.
JACK HOLDEN: It sure did. Looks like that’s probably going to be the end of the day’s play.
EUGENE WOODS: Garik Duvall taking the event, do you think?
JACK HOLDEN: I’d imagine so. And with that, we’re going to take a break and make sure Simon doesn’t end up in the infirmary.
EUGENE WOODS: Stay safe out there, sports fans.
JACK HOLDEN: Stay safe.
Iestyn[]
PHIL CHEESEMAN: We’ve got a surprise for you today, ci-ti-zens. Some of you have been getting in touch with us, offering us your services for the radio, and it turns out there’s a load of untapped talent in New Canton.
ZOE CRICK: Either that, or they’re sick of the sound of our voices.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: One of those people was Iestyn Williams, and he’s in the studio with us right now. Hello, Iestyn.
IESTYN WILLIAMS: Uh, yes. Hello!
ZOE CRICK: Iestyn used to be the editor of Swords and Wands, the West Country’s premier tarot, astrology and psy powers magazine. Hmm. How many tarot, astrology, and psy powers magazines were there in the West Country?
IESTYN WILLIAMS: There was West Country Weirdness. That was our main rival. Then there was Cups and Coins. Our former deputy editor founded that one. And then, there was -
ZOE CRICK: A lot. There were a lot.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Iestyn’s offered to do us a tarot reading, which is very kind of him.
ZOE CRICK: Us as in you and me?
IESTYN WILLIAMS: I thought I might do one for the whole community.
ZOE CRICK: Sure, why not? That makes as much sense as anything.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: So, stay tuned to find out what the cards have to say about your future, citizens.
Death[]
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Okay. While you’ve been gone, Iestyn’s been, um…
IESTYN WILLIAMS: I’ve cleansing the space.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Ah.
IESTYN WILLIAMS: Smudging it.
ZOE CRICK: What he means is he’s been burning some… is that sage?
IESTYN WILLIAMS: Sage, yes. Very useful for driving out bad spirits or influences.
ZOE CRICK: Also useful for seasoning meat, if you hadn’t burned it. But let’s not worry about that now.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: No, let’s not. Now you’ve cleansed the space, Iestyn, what are you going to do?
IESTYN WILLIAMS: Righto. Well, as time is limited, I’m going to be doing a simple five card spread. My first card, which goes at the center, tells us the general theme of the reading. And it’s -
ZOE CRICK: It’s death. I know that because it says so, and also because it shows a skeleton using a scythe to cut off peoples’ heads, which is nice.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: But the death card doesn’t really mean death, does it?
IESTYN WILLIAMS: Actually, it’s the death card reversed, which uh… no, well, some people say that means the most negative possible interpretation.
ZOE CRICK: And what would that be? The most negative interpretation of the death card would be… I’ve almost got it. Think, Zoe.
IESTYN WILLIAMS: Yes, all right, it’s death, but it doesn’t necessarily mean we’re all going to die!
ZOE CRICK: Only probably.
Bad News[]
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Iestyn’s now drawn the rest of the spread for us, ci-ti-zens. Can you tell us what that card means, Iestyn? The really happy-looking one with the cherubs on it that doesn’t seem to have anything to do with death.
IESTYN WILLIAMS: The right hand card, that’s all about the future. And what you’ve got there is the page of cups, reversed.
ZOE CRICK: Not good?
IESTYN WILLIAMS: Well, if it wasn’t reversed -
ZOE CRICK: It is.
IESTYN WILLIAMS: Yes, okay. Well, that’s a change for the worse. You'll have failing, falling in despair, losing your faith, that sort of thing, um…
ZOE CRICK: Thank you very much, Iestyn. I hope you’ll pop over again to update us on what the future holds. If we’re not all dead, obviously.
Astrology[]
ZOE CRICK: I’ve got a confession. Before Iestyn came along, I was pretty cynical about this whole tarot business, but death, despair, and the end of hope seems like a pretty accurate reading of the mood around here.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Were you always this gloomy, or was it, you know - ?
ZOE CRICK: The zombie apocalypse and total destruction of everything I know and love?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah.
ZOE CRICK: I was always like this.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: But it does kind of prove astrology is rubbish, doesn’t it? Otherwise, all the stars this week would have been, uh, "Taurus: you will meet a tall, dark stranger. He will eat you.”
ZOE CRICK: [laughs] “Gemini: with Jupiter in the house of Venus, you can expect some family trouble, mainly involving them turning into zombies and trying to eat you.”
PHIL CHEESEMAN: [laughs] “Capricorn: Cupid will be paying you a visit this month. Consider stealing his bow and arrows. They could come in handy against the zombies.” But that’s astrology! Obviously, tarot reading’s not stupid at all. Thanks again to Iestyn for his insights.
ZOE CRICK: And keep bringing us your talents, listeners. We appreciate them. Really. This one’s for you, Iestyn.
Number Five[]
ZOE CRICK: All right. And now you all know what time it is.
JACK HOLDEN: It’s time for -
ALL FOUR: [singing] The Radio Cabel Top Five! [laughing]
ZOE CRICK: The post-apocalypse’s longest-running and indeed only chart show.
EUGENE WOODS: Bringing you all the latest and greatest hits every week.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: And at number five -
EUGENE WOODS: This is a new entry from a band that started life as the Raging Piranhas.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Something you might not know about these guys is that they were once banned from using the word “pickle” on-stage.
ZOE CRICK: Some people just don’t know when to stop.
JACK HOLDEN: And here they are, refusing to stop, in at number five -
Number Four[]
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hello, ci-ti-zens. I mean, Cablers. You’re back with us for the Radio Cabel Top Five.
EUGENE WOODS: Don’t touch that dial, guys!
ZOE CRICK: However tempted you might be.
EUGENE WOODS: You’re going to want to stay right here as we count down to this week’s number one.
JACK HOLDEN: And up next, we’ve got a stubborn little number that’s been in the top five for over 400 weeks!
EUGENE WOODS: It certainly seems to be on track to beat the record for the longest stint in the top five.
JACK HOLDEN: Let’s hope so. Phil, what was the previous record?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, let me check. Uh, 672 weeks.
JACK HOLDEN: Wow. Nearly there, then.
ZOE CRICK: And here it is, for its 403rd time at the number four slot -
EUGENE WOODS: Take it away!
Number Three[]
JACK HOLDEN: Kapow! Let’s keep this party going and barrel straight into number three. What can you tell us, Zoe?
ZOE CRICK: Well, Jack, this one’s very close to my heart.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Really?
ZOE CRICK: Yeah, absolutely. You see, this track was recorded in my hometown.
EUGENE WOODS: Hey, isn’t that also where Isaac Newton was born?
ZOE CRICK: It was. Good knowledge. Him and -
EUGENE WOODS: Kim Kardashian, right?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Wow, home to so many luminaries.
ZOE CRICK: It’s a place that just breeds genius, what can I say?
JACK HOLDEN: Let’s have a listen and judge for ourselves, shall we?
EUGENE WOODS: Hit it!
Number Two[]
ZOE CRICK: All right, now we’re getting close to the top spot, and I’ve got to tell you, it’s been a really close race this week.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Neck and neck, honestly.
EUGENE WOODS: Our first contender was the cause of some controversy over the past few days when a popular religious group began to protest a perceived undertone of zombie worship in its lyrics.
ZOE CRICK: They say there’s no such thing as bad publicity, but that’s because they never read the press coverage of Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark.
[PHIL CHEESEMAN laughs]
JACK HOLDEN: And our second runner’s had a meteoric rise from obscurity with its creator being offered a 27 record deal after publishing the lyrics on Rofflenet.
ZOE CRICK: A real Cinderella story, this one. But its loyal following of Rofflenet fans wasn’t quite enough to propel it into the top spot, so here it is at number two.
Number One[]
EUGENE WOODS: And here it is, your number one hit of the week!
JACK HOLDEN: It’s controversial!
EUGENE WOODS: It’s catchy!
PHIL CHEESEMAN: It’s the hit tune you just can’t stop talking about.
ZOE CRICK: No matter what the priests and politicians might say, it struck a chord with all of you out there in the wild, so everyone give it up for this week’s number one!
I Know[]
[JACK HOLDEN sings a rock tune]
EUGENE WOODS: What… what are you doing?
JACK HOLDEN: Uh, nothing. [imitates guitar] That song’s just really stuck in my head, that’s all. [imitates guitar]
EUGENE WOODS: But that’s not what we just played.
JACK HOLDEN: I know!
EUGENE WOODS: You are so weird.
JACK HOLDEN: I know. [imitates guitar]
Text Me Up[]
(Plays if Season 2 Side Mission 5: Top 40 has been completed.)
EUGENE WOODS and JACK HOLDEN: [singing] Come on and text me up, whoa-oo-oo-oo-oo-oh.
JACK HOLDEN: [sings] You got my number, I want your I.L.U.!
EUGENE WOODS: [sings] Text me up, tell me your love is true!
EUGENE WOODS and JACK HOLDEN: [singing] Don’t have to speak, don’t have to phone. Text me and tell me you’re mine alone. Come on and text me up, whoa-oo-oo-oo-oo-oh. Come on and text me up, whoa-oo-oo-oo-oo-oh.
EUGENE WOODS: Ugh, why won’t that song leave us alone?
JACK HOLDEN: It’s so damn catchy! I want it out of my head!
EUGENE WOODS: Quick, stick something else on, try and knock it loose.
JACK HOLDEN: Good idea.
Checkmate[]
EUGENE WOODS: Let’s see… bishop to C4
JACK HOLDEN: Nice.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Mm. Good move, good… good move, if you like being chess idiots!
JACK HOLDEN: Bring it, Cheeseman. Bring it!
ZOE CRICK: What about - ?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hmm, yeah. Yeah, that might work. [laughs] King to H8. Suck it!
JACK HOLDEN: Ooh, getting all feisty, are you, Phil?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Don’t get scared, Jacky boy. It’s just the trademark Cheeseman thunder coming.
JACK HOLDEN: You talk better than you play, old man. [whispers] Gene, try that.
EUGENE WOODS: No, that’s not going to work.
JACK HOLDEN: No, it is. Trust me, just -
EUGENE WOODS: Fine!
JACK HOLDEN: Look!
EUGENE WOODS: Oh. Oh, yeah. Queen to F4.
JACK HOLDEN: And that is how we do that.
EUGENE WOODS: Bada-bing, bada-boom! Chessed!
ZOE CRICK: Damn! Nice game.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: No, no, wait. We can -
ZOE CRICK: It’s over, Phil. Well-played, guys.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Good game, Eugene.
EUGENE WOODS: Thanks, Phil. Well-played. [JACK HOLDEN clears throat] Oh. [laughs] Jack spotted the winner.
JACK HOLDEN: Aw, shucks, it was nothing.
ZOE CRICK: Hey, Jack, didn’t you have a song you wanted to play me?
JACK HOLDEN: Oh, yeah! Yeah, here we go.
Sir Geoffrey[]
JACK HOLDEN: Right, listeners. Welcome back. What’s up next, Gene?
EUGENE WOODS: Uh, you know, I’m not sure. Uh, why don’t you check the schedule?
JACK HOLDEN: Wait, we have a schedule?
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah. I think it’s uh, I think it’s under this pile of socks.
JACK HOLDEN: Are you sure? Wouldn’t it be in the in-tray? Well, the in-pile? Mound? Heap?
EUGENE WOODS: No, no, I’m pretty sure it’s - just look under the socks, would you?
JACK HOLDEN: All right, grumpy pants. Give me a second. Hey, what’s - ?
EUGENE WOODS: Do you like it?
JACK HOLDEN: What’s this?
EUGENE WOODS: Well, you know, since you broke W.G. -
JACK HOLDEN: Gene, this is…
EUGENE WOODS: I’ve had the runners keeping an eye out, and Twenty-One picked this up the other day. Is it… is it okay?
JACK HOLDEN: It’s perfect. Perfect!
EUGENE WOODS: W.G. the Second.
JACK HOLDEN: No, no, no. No, it will be Sir Geoffrey.
EUGENE WOODS: That’s another reference I don’t get, isn’t it?
JACK HOLDEN: Of course. It’d be no fun if you understood me.
EUGENE WOODS: Sometimes I wonder why I bother trying.
Just A Zombie[]
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hello, ci-ti-zens! Have we got a treat for you today.
ZOE CRICK: We’re using the word "treat" very loosely.
JACK HOLDEN: Is she always that miserable?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Pretty much, yeah.
ZOE CRICK: Oi.
EUGENE WOODS: It is a treat. Well, it’s treat-like. Treatish.
JACK HOLDEN: Basically, it’s our version of Just a Minute!
EUGENE WOODS: Way to spoil the build-up, Jack!
ZOE CRICK: We’ve called it...Just a Zombie. You have to talk for a minute on a topic of the compère’s choice without hesitation, repetition, or mentioning zombies.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: So stay tuned. You won’t want to miss this.
ZOE CRICK: It’ll be great! Possibly.
Repetition[]
JACK HOLDEN: First up is Phil. Phil, you have 60 seconds on going out for a run.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, come on!
JACK HOLDEN: No argument with the compère. 60 seconds on going out for a run, without hesitation, repetition, or zombies. Go!
PHIL CHEESEMAN: I often like to go for a pleasant jog in the mornings, and when I am jogging -
[buzzer sounds]
JACK HOLDEN: Yes, you’re right, Zoe! Repetition.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: That’s not fair! You can’t say it for her. She’s got to say it for herself.
JACK HOLDEN: [sighs] Okay. Zoe, why did you just buzz?
ZOE CRICK: Um, repetition?
JACK HOLDEN: Yes! Yes, it was.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, of course she says that now! You told her to.
EUGENE WOODS: Did you or did you not repeat the word jog?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, I did.
JACK HOLDEN: So join us after this musical interlude, when Zoe will have 54 seconds to talk about going for a run without mentioning zombies.
She Cheated[]
JACK HOLDEN: Welcome back, listeners. And Zoe, the ball’s with you. 54 seconds on -
EUGENE WOODS: I think everyone knows by now.
JACK HOLDEN: Okay. Zoe, go.
ZOE CRICK: I frequently exercise in the morning -
[buzzer sounds]
JACK HOLDEN: Phil?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: No, you don’t. You never get out of bed before midday if you can avoid it.
EUGENE WOODS: And you know that how?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: No, I mean… not like that! Get your mind out of the gutter.
JACK HOLDEN: Anyway, no one said you can’t lie, so carry on, Zoe. 48 seconds.
ZOE CRICK: When enjoying my morning constitutional, I traverse the territory at a brisk pace, which I find is good for my breathing. Along the way, I pause to observe many beautiful sights. I admire trees, bushes, birds, bees, grasses, hedges, ha-has, ditches, ponds, lakes, shrubs, flowers, and occasionally mosses.
EUGENE WOODS: Damn. She’s good.
ZOE CRICK: And ponder the ineffable beauty of nature as -
JACK HOLDEN: Time’s up!
PHIL CHEESEMAN: She cheated.
ZOE CRICK: No, I didn’t. How?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: I’ll tell you after this song.
Implied Zombies[]
JACK HOLDEN: So, Phil, now the song’s over -
EUGENE WOODS: And you’ve had time to think something up -
JACK HOLDEN: How did Zoe cheat?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: There were zombies in her talk, weren’t there?
ZOE CRICK: No, there weren’t. I didn’t say zombie once.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: No, but think about it. There were… there you were, going for a run first thing in the morning – you know, as you never do. You ran through woods and over hedges and all that. Do you really expect us to believe in all that time, you didn’t see a single zom?
ZOE CRICK: I didn’t mention any.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: But they were there. They were like, in the background of your oral painting.
ZOE CRICK: Maybe I was running before the apocalypse.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: You didn’t say that.
JACK HOLDEN: Actually, he’s kind of got a point.
ZOE CRICK: Really? You’re really going to let him get away with that?
JACK HOLDEN: Gene?
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah, there were definitely assumed zombies in that story.
ZOE CRICK: Assumed? Did Phil bribe you?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Bribe them so I could win Just a Min- I mean, Just a Zombie? How pathetic do you think I am?
ZOE CRICK: About that pathetic.
JACK HOLDEN: Ladies and gentleman, it’s official. Phil Cheeseman is the winner of our inaugural game of Just a Zombie. So keep listening to Radio Cabel, because there’s lots more where that came from.
Pride and Prejudice[]
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hello, ci-ti-zens! You’re listening to Radio Cabel, and I’m your host, Phil -
JACK HOLDEN: Uh, one of your hosts.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: - one of your hosts, Phil Cheeseman.
JACK HOLDEN: [laughs] Cheeseman.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Now, I’ve been thinking -
ZOE CRICK: Always dangerous.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, that’s my cohost there, Zoe -
JACK HOLDEN: One of your cohosts.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: - one of my cohosts, Zoe Crick. Anyway, I was thinking. Back before Day Zero, people were always putting zombies into things. Uh like, you know, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. But nowadays, wouldn’t it be better to take zombies out of things?
EUGENE WOODS: If you took the zombies out of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, you’d get Pride and Prejudice. I think someone’s already written that.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: No, I mean uh, things that had zoms in originally. Like uh, what would Resident Evil be about if there were no zombies?
JACK HOLDEN: Film or game?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Film, obviously. Because you know, Milla Jovovich.
JACK HOLDEN: Whatever floats your boat. Well, okay. It would be a story about the Umbrella Corporation releasing the T-virus into their underground base, and then their mad creepy girl computer – why are little girls always so creepy? - anyway, the mad computer would kill everyone, and that would solve the entire problem. The end? I like this game.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, then. We’ll be back with more zombie-reduced entertainment after this, ci-ti-zens.
Pet Semetary[]
ZOE CRICK: So listeners, we’re talking about what famous zombie movies – and TV shows?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Anything, really.
ZOE CRICK: - what they’d be like without the zombies. Less commercially successful would be my guess, but let’s roll with it. Shaun of the Dead?
JACK HOLDEN: Good one! That would be a comedy about two layabouts who can’t get girls.
ZOE CRICK: So pretty much any sitcom ever.
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah. Dawn of the Dead?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: A bunch of people go shopping in a big mall. They manage to get what they want, and all go home.
ZOE CRICK: The Walking Dead?
EUGENE WOODS: A man wakes up from a coma to discover that his best friend is sleeping with his wife. Yeah, that’s pretty much the same.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Pet Sematary.
JACK HOLDEN: Ooh, um, this couple’s child dies, um, they bury him in the local pet cemetary – which is a little bit weird – and then they’re very sad… this is getting a bit depressing. Isn’t removing the zoms supposed to make the stories happier?
ZOE CRICK: Yeah. I think it may be time for a musical interlude.
Die Happy[]
ZOE CRICK: I know what we’re doing wrong. We took the zombies out of all those stories, but we didn’t put anything else in to replace them.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Like what?
ZOE CRICK: I don’t know. Kittens?
JACK HOLDEN: So Dawn of the Dead is a film about people who go to a shopping center which gets mobbed by an enormous horde of kittens. Aww!
EUGENE WOODS: Shaun of the Dead is about a man whose best friend gets replaced by a kitten.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Which he keeps locked up in the shed. [laughs] Oh, this is getting a bit weird again.
JACK HOLDEN: But the Umbrella Corporation would be spending loads and loads of money trying to fill the world with kittens! They’d be like, the best company in the world!
PHIL CHEESEMAN: [laughs] Yeah, instead of the one with the worst thought-out corporate strategy ever.
ZOE CRICK: [laughs] So there you have it, listeners. If you’re having a hard time with zombies, just try to imagine they’re kittens instead. They’ll still eat you, but at least you’ll die happy.
Two Little Boys[]
PHIL CHEESEMAN: You’re listening to Radio Cabel. For those of you who’ve just joined us, me and Zoe are flying solo right now.
ZOE CRICK: Jack and Eugene are celebrating the four month anniversary of the first time Jack cleaned their tent of his own free will. God knows why.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: It’s the little things, isn’t it? Nowadays we have to celebrate being together whatever chance we get.
ZOE CRICK: [sighs] Do me a favor. Anyway, it’s their...four month tentiversary, and they want to spend the day together.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: They’re going for a romantic walk around Abel’s vegetable patch, and the runners have all been secretly collecting stuff for them, so after that, they’re having a candle-lit dinner with champagne.
ZOE CRICK: It’s kind of nauseating.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: No, it’s not! It’s sweet.
ZOE CRICK: Of course you think that.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: What, because I’ve actually got a heart?
ZOE CRICK: I’ve got a heart!
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, a very small, shriveled, black one.
ZOE CRICK: Not everyone can be as soppy as you.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: I’m not soppy.
ZOE CRICK: You cried at Kindergarten Cop! I saw you. It was kind of cute. And you tear up every time you hear Rolf Harris singing “Two Little Boys”!
PHIL CHEESEMAN: I’m not ashamed of that. It’s a good song. He comes back for his friend even though he puts his own life in danger. It’s moving.
ZOE CRICK: Yeah, in a really cheesy way. Don’t worry, listeners. This next one isn’t by Rolf Harris… probably.
Embarrassing[]
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Thing is, I’m not the weird one. It’s you.
ZOE CRICK: I’m the most normal person on the planet.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Except you don’t like puppies, or happiness.
ZOE CRICK: Well, who likes puppies? They wee on your carpet and try to hump your leg.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Everyone likes puppies. It’s like a law of nature. Actually, it is a law of nature. We’re genetically designed to go gooey at the sight of big eyes.
ZOE CRICK: ...I love kittens. Does that count?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: That’s cheating! You’d have to be Satan not to like kittens. Look, it’s not a bad thing. You’re just a bit more hard-headed than the rest of us.
ZOE CRICK: Well, not about everything. I weep buckets at Terms of Endearment.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, but that’s the saddest film ever made. They showed it in the great hall last month, and the whole Permanent Advisory Council were in bits.
ZOE CRICK: Oh, okay! I’ve got another one… but…
PHIL CHEESEMAN: What?
ZOE CRICK: [sighs] It’s a bit embarrassing.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Ooh! Stay tuned, ci-ti-zens. Zoe’s going to be embarrassing herself after this.
Blood On The Sand[]
ZOE CRICK: This is pretty silly.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, whereas crying at Kindergarten Cop is really manly.
ZOE CRICK: All right, you asked for it. 50 Cent: Blood on the Sand.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: ...What?
ZOE CRICK: You know, the second 50 Cent game. The one where he’s chasing after that Damien Hirst diamond-encrusted skull that terrorists stole off him? For some reason. I never really understood that.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, I know what the game is. It’s just… you cried at that? I mean… why?
ZOE CRICK: Well, it’s at the end, when he gets the skull back, and I was just thinking, well, I’d gone through the whole game, and I’d saved the cash so I could buy all the best taunts – because as we all know, swearing is both big and clever – and I’d picked up all the posters of 50 Cent - which he was very keen to collect even though he presumably knows what his own face looks like - and I’d killed so many people, I’d just been mowing them down like there was no tomorrow, and what did I get at the end of it? A diamond-encrusted skull.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: To be fair, that’s probably worth quite a lot of money.
ZOE CRICK: Yeah, but it was mine already! Or, you know, 50 Cent’s. And it all felt so… [sighs] meaningless. So when the game finished, I started crying.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: You are weird.
ZOE CRICK: Says the man who laughed at the bit in Bambi where his mom died.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: It was a stress reaction! All right, we’re both weird.
ZOE CRICK: Yes. Yes, we are. Time for another song, listeners. Hankies at the ready for this one.
Cava[]
EUGENE WOODS: I’ve got one: New Year’s Eve.
JACK HOLDEN: For those of you who’ve just joined us, we’re talking about the things we don’t miss since the zombie apocalypse.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: New Year’s Eve does still exist, you know.
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah, but it’s different. There’s not as much -
ZOE CRICK: Fun?
EUGENE WOODS: - stress. You know how it was: you’d spend months wondering if you were going to get invited to any parties at all -
JACK HOLDEN: - and then you’d get three, and you wouldn’t know which one to go to -
EUGENE WOODS: - and whichever one you chose, even if you managed all three, you’d always get the secret fear that there was a much better party going on somewhere else that you hadn’t been invited to.
ZOE CRICK: There’s that whole midnight snogging thing, too. You know – on the lips, on the cheeks? One kiss, two kisses? It’s a social minefield. And there are some people you definitely don’t want to kiss on the lips, and they’re always the ones who insist on doing it.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Plus it’s really annoying when you shell out for a good bottle of bubbly and everyone else brings Cava and you end up necking the swill while some other bugger enjoys your 30 quid champagne.
JACK HOLDEN: … I uh, I always bring Cava.
ZOE CRICK: Yeah.
EUGENE WOODS: Actually, Phil, I bring Cava, too.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Right. Well, I know who I’m not spending New Year’s Eve with.
Empty Room[]
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Worrying about trivial stuff. I don’t miss that.
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, like, “Are these trainers cool enough?” Who cares? If I can outrun a zombie in them, we’re good to go.
ZOE CRICK: And worrying about losing weight is a thing of the past. I remember going on the grapefruit diet once. Now every day’s like a fad diet. The kidney beans and SPAM again diet.
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah. When the apocalypse is over, we could totally market that. “The Abel Township diet: guaranteed to trim off those excess pounds.”
EUGENE WOODS: “Because if you don’t do it, the zoms’ll do it for you!” [laughs]
ZOE CRICK: Housework. I definitely don’t miss housework.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Actually, I kind of liked housework.
JACK HOLDEN: Weirdo.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: No! It was… soothing. Also, you could probably see you’d made a difference. You dust the surface, and the dust is gone.
ZOE CRICK: I guess that’s true. When you’re a DJ, it’s like shouting into an empty room.
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, if you’re on Radio Norwich.
EUGENE WOODS: No, I know what Zoe means. Sometimes you feel like you’re talking to yourself. So, listeners, if you’ve enjoyed the show, why not drop us a line or a message on the Rofflenet. We’d love to hear from you.
Syndechrion[]
ZOE CRICK: Worrying about the apocalypse.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: What?
ZOE CRICK: Worrying about the apocalypse. That’s something I don’t miss since the apocalypse.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, obviously, because it’s actually happened. Is that a good thing?
EUGENE WOODS: Zoe’s right. It’s always worse waiting for something bad to happen than when it actually happens.
ZOE CRICK: Exactly.
JACK HOLDEN: So, really? You were really worrying about apocalypses worse than the one we’ve got? You must have a very sick mind. I mean, what did you think was going to happen?
ZOE CRICK: Ah well, you see, it was written long ago that when mankind grew fat on the land and could no longer reach their arms to lay claim to the stars, the great serpent Syndechrion would return from his mother nest on the far side of the moon, laying waste to the slothful empires of men and drowning the skies with blood.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Right.
ZOE CRICK: So with the collapse of funding for NASA, and the rising levels of obesity across the Western world, there were many of us who were just waiting for the sky to darken and for his glorious wrath to return us to the ashes from whence we came, at which point we were to take the streets with our ceremonial axes to hasten the harvest of humanity. I’ve still got my ax somewhere.
EUGENE WOODS: That’s… interesting. Thanks… thanks for sharing, Zoe.
ZOE CRICK: [laughs] You guys don’t know me at all, do you?
JACK HOLDEN: You’re joking.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: [laughs] A joke! It was a joke. Funny joke! [laughs]
ZOE CRICK: [laughs] “Hasten the harvest of humanity”? Are you kidding me? Well, you know what they say: small tricks work on small minds.
EUGENE WOODS: [laughs] All right, all right, well-played, Zoe. And there I was going to say I used to worry about swine flu.
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah! Every time you get a slight sniffle, it’s “oh no, I’m dying of a rare strain of malaria crossed with leprosy.”
PHIL CHEESEMAN: And there’s that Mayan calendar thing.
ZOE CRICK: Surely you didn’t believe that bollocks?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well no, not really. But there’s always a part of you thinking, you know, what if I’m wrong and they’re right? Then I’d feel really stupid.
JACK HOLDEN: Oh, oh! The hole in the ozone layer.
EUGENE WOODS: And global warming?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Massive overpopulation…
ZOE CRICK: And bloodthirsty cosmic serpents, of course.
JACK HOLDEN: Of course. Can’t forget that.
EUGENE WOODS: So, Zoe, how about you do the honors and pick us a song to go along with your vision of the end times?
ZOE CRICK: In Syndechrion’s name!
Smiling Too[]
(Plays if base morale is greater than 95%.)
JACK HOLDEN: Can I do my song?
EUGENE WOODS: [sighs] Do you have to?
JACK HOLDEN: What? It’s a morale booster.
EUGENE WOODS: You think?
JACK HOLDEN: Sure it is! Can I do it?
EUGENE WOODS: [sighs] If you must.
JACK HOLDEN: All right. Awesome. So, here it is: “Smiling Because Of You,” by Jack Holden. [clears throat] [sings] When you’re walking down the street, chances are the people that you meet will be frowning. But if you put a smile upon your face, in every single place that you’re found in, the chances are that smile will catch on, and then not before long, the world will be smiling, too. Smiling with you, and smiling because of you!
EUGENE WOODS: Is that it?
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah.
EUGENE WOODS: Right. So listeners, uh, time for a real song.
JACK HOLDEN: Oi!
One Shot[]
(Plays if your base has been attacked.)
JACK HOLDEN: - so I’m not really a -
EUGENE WOODS: Jack was asked to help man the defenses last night.
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, I was.
EUGENE WOODS: Go on, tell them.
JACK HOLDEN: It was like Time Crisis. I was like, bang! Zombie! Splat! Head explodes!
EUGENE WOODS: Ooh, that’s not what I heard.
JACK HOLDEN: Oh, it was like one of those moments where you think, “Yeah, the zombie apocalypse is bad and everything, but occasionally, it can be pretty awesome.”
EUGENE WOODS: So, how many zombies did you kill?
JACK HOLDEN: Well, it’s not about how many -
EUGENE WOODS: You were up there for hours, so it must be like triple figures, right?
JACK HOLDEN: Sometimes you’re more on “slow them down” duty, so the actual kill count isn’t that important.
EUGENE WOODS: I heard you got one. Singular. Uno.
JACK HOLDEN: [sighs] Yeah, all right. Turns out I’m not a very good shot, so -
EUGENE WOODS: They’re not asking you back.
JACK HOLDEN: No. Turns out my special skill is witty banter to help calm the populace.
EUGENE WOODS: Wit away, my friend. Wit away.
JACK HOLDEN: Just play the track.
Warning[]
(Plays if your base has been attacked.)
EUGENE WOODS: To all our listeners out there, Abel has just come under a sustained attack from a horde of zombies. We managed to put down a lot of them, but we’re seeing huge amounts of sustained activity out there.
JACK HOLDEN: As ever, only travel if it’s strictly necessary, and stay safe.
EUGENE WOODS: Stay safe, folks.
Please Stop[]
(Plays if your base has been attacked.)
EUGENE WOODS: And you’re listening to Radio Abel with Jack and Eugene.
JACK HOLDEN: Hi, guys. Uh, we thought we’d make a personal appeal.
EUGENE WOODS: You know who you are.
JACK HOLDEN: You might feel a little bit zoned out -
EUGENE WOODS: - or possibly even a little bit more bitey than usual.
JACK HOLDEN: Does the smell of human flesh just make you want to chomp down?
EUGENE WOODS: Or have you forgotten quite how to use all of your limbs properly?
JACK HOLDEN: Yes, you. We’re talking to you. Now, we know that you think it’s funny to gather in groups and then suddenly attack us in what some might call a horde.
EUGENE WOODS: I would say it, Jack. I would call it a horde.
JACK HOLDEN: But actually, we were wondering if you could just leave us alone?
EUGENE WOODS: Have you ever thought about not forming concentrated zombie attacks?
JACK HOLDEN: We’re just not quite sure what we did to deserve that last one. There are a lot of you, and we’re not even sure where you came from.
EUGENE WOODS: We’re good people. We’re sure you’re good people, too.
JACK HOLDEN: Just leave us alone.
EUGENE WOODS: And stay safe.
File A Complaint[]
(Plays if your base has been attacked.)
JACK HOLDEN: Do you remember Shaun of the Dead?
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah.
JACK HOLDEN: And how it sort of made zombies look like quite a lot of fun?
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah.
JACK HOLDEN: Well, you know what?
EUGENE WOODS: What?
JACK HOLDEN: Zombies aren’t really fun, Eugene.
EUGENE WOODS: What, seriously?
JACK HOLDEN: Seriously. Real zombie attacks have fewer slides and no Nick Frost. There are no star cameos, and no one plays Queen while you’re fighting for your life. No fun at all.
EUGENE WOODS: We should really file a complaint.
JACK HOLDEN: [shouts] I file a complaint!
EUGENE WOODS: That’s… that’s not how that works.
JACK HOLDEN: Oh.
Lock and Load[]
(Plays if the armoury has been upgraded.)
EUGENE WOODS: Jack? Jack? Hey, Jack!
JACK HOLDEN: What? Hmm? S-sorry.
EUGENE WOODS: What the hell’s got you so distracted?
JACK HOLDEN: Oh, uh, nothing.
EUGENE WOODS: Are you staring at the soldiers again?
JACK HOLDEN: No.
EUGENE WOODS: Jack.
JACK HOLDEN: Maybe.
EUGENE WOODS: Do you want to come back and do some work instead?
JACK HOLDEN: Oh, yeah. Do you think, right…
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah?
JACK HOLDEN: Do you think when they got all that new equipment and guns and stuff, do you think they like… do you think any of them went like, [imitates weapon being cocked] “Lock and load!”
EUGENE WOODS: Oh, sure. For sure.
JACK HOLDEN: Nice.
PEW PEW PEW[]
(Plays if the armoury has been upgraded.)
JACK HOLDEN: Wow.
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah.
JACK HOLDEN: I mean - !
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah! You know, I’m really not a military man. I never got taught gun or anything, but -
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah.
EUGENE WOODS: - that is something.
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah!
EUGENE WOODS: May I have your permission?
JACK HOLDEN: Silliness permission granted.
EUGENE WOODS: How do you like us now, zombies? Pew! Pew pew pew, pew!
JACK HOLDEN: Pew.
Leg Room[]
(Plays if communications has been upgraded.)
EUGENE WOODS: Oh man, it is nice to have more room in here. I can actually extend my entire leg.
JACK HOLDEN: And I don’t have to reach over you to choose a song.
EUGENE WOODS: The Rofflenet connection’s way stronger.
JACK HOLDEN: The chairs have backs.
EUGENE WOODS: [sighs] This is bliss.
JACK HOLDEN: Gene! Gene, look. Look, Gene! I can’t touch all four walls at the same time!
EUGENE WOODS: Ah, bliss.
Swing A Cat[]
(Plays if communications has been upgraded.)
[something meows]
EUGENE WOODS: No.
[something meows]
JACK HOLDEN: Oh, but I’ve always wanted to.
EUGENE WOODS: It’s cruel!
JACK HOLDEN: But – but it’ll be so funny.
[something meows]
EUGENE WOODS: Jack, we already know how much room there is in here.
JACK HOLDEN: But - !
EUGENE WOODS: No! Put it down and let it go.
JACK HOLDEN: Mean.
[EUGENE WOODS meows, coughs]
JACK HOLDEN: Damn it, Gene!
[EUGENE WOODS meows]
JACK HOLDEN: Always ruining my jokes.
Carrots[]
(Plays if the farm has been upgraded.)
EUGENE WOODS: You know that’s not true, right?
JACK HOLDEN: What? No, come on. Don’t ruin this for me.
EUGENE WOODS: I’m not saying you shouldn’t be excited about the prospect of fresh carrots. I’m certainly not saying you shouldn’t be grateful that the farm’s expanding its repertoire of produce. I’m just saying they don’t make you see better in the dark.
JACK HOLDEN: But… but that’s what my gran always told me.
EUGENE WOODS: And you don’t think she might have had some ulterior motive for getting you to eat your greens?
JACK HOLDEN: Well…
EUGENE WOODS: [sighs] The story that carrots make you see better in the dark originated in World War II. Air command circulated the myth that British pilots could see better than German pilots because they ate more carrots in order to hide the fact that the British had radar.
JACK HOLDEN: Oh.
EUGENE WOODS: Sorry, Jack.
JACK HOLDEN: That is so cool! Wartime spy veggies!
EUGENE WOODS: What?
JACK HOLDEN: Oh man, I can’t wait to get some carrots now.
Sheep[]
(Plays if the farm has been upgraded.)
[EUGENE WOODS and JACK HOLDEN imitate sheep sounds]
BOTH: Sheep!
Maxine[]
(Plays if the hospital has been upgraded.)
EUGENE WOODS: Hey Jack, guess who I saw today?
JACK HOLDEN: I know. I was there.
EUGENE WOODS: Well, yes, but our listeners weren’t.
JACK HOLDEN: Oh. Oh, okay. I don’t know, Eugene. Who did you see today?
EUGENE WOODS: Well, Jack, I saw our very own Doctor Myers, looking in very fine spirits.
JACK HOLDEN: Oh, really? And why do you think she was so happy?
EUGENE WOODS: I suppose it could have something to do with finally having a proper hospital to work in again.
JACK HOLDEN: Ooh. Yeah, that does make sense. Good theory.
EUGENE WOODS: Thanks.
JACK HOLDEN: You’re a regular Sherlock Holmes.
EUGENE WOODS: All right.
JACK HOLDEN: Proper Columbo.
EUGENE WOODS: Okay, okay, enough.
JACK HOLDEN: Doc, congrats on the new digs. Keep up the good work.
Refreshed[]
(Plays if the hospital has been upgraded.)
JACK HOLDEN: I must say, I’m impressed.
EUGENE WOODS: Really? By what?
JACK HOLDEN: By – now really, don’t take this the wrong way -
EUGENE WOODS: Okay.
JACK HOLDEN: Right. Sure? Yeah, okay. Now normally, when you come back after having a night in the hospital for rehab…
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah?
JACK HOLDEN: Normally you look a bit more disheveled, but this time you look refreshed!
EUGENE WOODS: Oh! Oh, well, that’s easy enough to explain. Normally when I spend the night, I’m in a freezing cold tent on a crappy camp bed with water dripping on my head. But this time, I got to sleep in a proper building with a real sleeping bag. Dry and warm and happy.
JACK HOLDEN: Maybe I should chop off my own leg next.
EUGENE WOODS: But then who would go to collect my laundry for me?
JACK HOLDEN: Hmm. Do you have a spare ax lying around?
EUGENE WOODS: [laughs] You’re such an idiot.
Ambulances[]
(Plays if the hospital has been upgraded.)
JACK HOLDEN: They’re just so… so cool!
EUGENE WOODS: Aw, it’d be super handy to have one.
JACK HOLDEN: Runner ambulances!
EUGENE WOODS: You could pull me around everywhere!
JACK HOLDEN: Runner ambulances!
EUGENE WOODS: I wouldn’t have to worry about breaking my crutch!
JACK HOLDEN: I bet I could get enough speed to pull off a sweet jump with one of those.
EUGENE WOODS: Oh, that would be so cool.
JACK HOLDEN: So cool!
EUGENE WOODS: Hmm.
JACK HOLDEN: What?
EUGENE WOODS: I’m not sure the doctor would be too happy if we stole one of her brand new ambulance carts for stunt testing.
JACK HOLDEN: Well, can’t hurt to ask, can it?
A Place To Call Your Own[]
(Plays if housing has been upgraded.)
EUGENE WOODS: Exciting day!
JACK HOLDEN: Very exciting day!
EUGENE WOODS: Listeners, we’re excited about today!
JACK HOLDEN: Very excited!
EUGENE WOODS: We’re excited because we’re waiting to find out about our housing allocation.
JACK HOLDEN: We’re getting a tent!
EUGENE WOODS: A tent of our very own!
JACK HOLDEN: Oh, I hope it’s near the loos.
EUGENE WOODS: Oh, that would be great.
JACK HOLDEN: Oh, oh, I hope it has a window flap.
EUGENE WOODS: Oh God! Do you think we might get a window flap?
JACK HOLDEN: Well, someone has to, right?
EUGENE WOODS: Man, I just realized how much life has changed in the past year. Excited about a window flap in ancient tent.
JACK HOLDEN: Oh, don’t spoil this. Window flap!
EUGENE WOODS: Oh, I hope it’s us.
Moving Day[]
(Plays if housing has been upgraded.)
JACK HOLDEN: Ugh, when did we get so much stuff?
EUGENE WOODS: Jack, we have two bags between us.
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, but ugh. Moving. I hate it.
EUGENE WOODS: We’re moving two bags of stuff into a bigger tent that is six feet from where our old tent used to be. It’s hardly the Exodus. [JACK HOLDEN pouts] Oh, lighten up, would you? We’re getting a nicer place to live. It’s an exciting day. We’ll have enough room to stand up. We’ll have enough room to put some flowers. It’ll be nice.
JACK HOLDEN: I’m just… I’m just going to miss the window flap.
EUGENE WOODS: You’re never happy, are you?
JACK HOLDEN: It was just so...flappy.
Colour War[]
(Plays if housing has been upgraded.)
JACK HOLDEN: Blue house rules!
EUGENE WOODS: Blue house forever!
JACK HOLDEN: Red house – we’re coming for you!
EUGENE WOODS: Green house, you better watch your back.
JACK HOLDEN: Yellow house, don’t even start!
EUGENE WOODS: Listeners, if you’re confused, we’re talking smack.
JACK HOLDEN: Smack talk!
EUGENE WOODS: For the Abel housing color wars. We’ve just been moved into the new housing.
JACK HOLDEN: Shiny housing!
EUGENE WOODS: It’s the very shiny new housing, and we’re in blue house.
JACK HOLDEN: Blue house rules!
EUGENE WOODS: And all the houses have decided to have a competition over the next week, and blue house is going to dominate!
JACK HOLDEN: Blue house rules!
EUGENE WOODS: We’re going to bring home the trophy!
JACK HOLDEN: Ooh, is there a trophy?
EUGENE WOODS: Well, a commemorative pot plant.
JACK HOLDEN: Pot plant, woohoo! Blue house!
EUGENE WOODS: [laughs] And to further psych out all the other loser houses, here’s the blue house fight song!
JACK HOLDEN: Blue house fight song, woo!
Toys[]
(Plays if the playground has been upgraded.)
EUGENE WOODS: I’ve heard they’ve got a Scrabble set.
JACK HOLDEN: Oh no, I’m not playing Scrabble with you again. You cheat! QI is not a word. It’s a TV show.
EUGENE WOODS: It is a word, you idiot.
JACK HOLDEN: Then show me a dictionary.
EUGENE WOODS: You know we don’t have a Scrabble dictionary.
JACK HOLDEN: Then I refuse to believe you, cheater!
EUGENE WOODS: You’re impossible. What about Snap?
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, Snap I can do.
EUGENE WOODS: Good! Then as soon as we can get over there, I’ll kick your ass at Snap.
JACK HOLDEN: Bring it on!
Demons and Darkness[]
(Plays if the playground has been upgraded.)
EUGENE WOODS: Well, I’m really excited about it.
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, well that’s because your character isn’t trapped inside a spiked pit, slowly bleeding to death.
EUGENE WOODS: Well, we’ll come and rescue you.
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, if you can get past the guards.
EUGENE WOODS: Well, I think Maxine’s character still has an invisibility spell left.
JACK HOLDEN: Hmm. And when did you say this was happening?
EUGENE WOODS: As soon as we’re allowed back into the rec after renovations. There’s enough room in there now for the six of us to get a table, even.
JACK HOLDEN: Really?
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah.
JACK HOLDEN: No more standing around the walls?
EUGENE WOODS: No.
JACK HOLDEN: Mm. Okay, now I’m excited.
EUGENE WOODS: Great! Here’s a song that’ll really get you in the mood for a game.
Ball Pit[]
(Plays if the playground has been upgraded.)
EUGENE WOODS: Ball pit!
JACK HOLDEN: [laughs] You’d fall over!
EUGENE WOODS: Ball pit!
JACK HOLDEN: [laughs] There’s only about 40 balls.
EUGENE WOODS: Ball. Pit.
JACK HOLDEN: You’re a grown man, Gene.
EUGENE WOODS: Look! They just made the place bigger, better, and now they want ideas on how to make it more fun, and all I’m saying is the obvious answer is ball pit!
JACK HOLDEN: [laughs] I’ll talk to Janine.
EUGENE WOODS: Ball pit!
Crow's Nest[]
(Plays if the defense tower has been upgraded.)
JACK HOLDEN: Do you see what I mean?
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah, I see.
JACK HOLDEN: It’s like Abel’s a pirate ship, and the tower’s a crow’s nest.
EUGENE WOODS: [imitates pirate voice] Arrr matey, Captain Eugene’s crow’s nest, rising above the good ship Abel.
JACK HOLDEN: Oi, why do you get to be the captain?
EUGENE WOODS: [imitates pirate voice] Jack, come on now matey. I got the missing leg, ain’t I?
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, I guess so.
EUGENE WOODS: [imitates pirate voice] And I got you.
JACK HOLDEN: What’s that got to do with anything?
EUGENE WOODS: [imitates pirate voice] You’re my squawking parrot, ain’t ya?
JACK HOLDEN: [imitates parrot voice] Pretty Polly, pretty Polly. [squawks]
EUGENE WOODS: [imitates pirate voice] Polly want to play a song?
[JACK HOLDEN squawks]
Hornburg[]
(Plays if the defense tower has been upgraded.)
EUGENE WOODS: “It is said that the Hornburg has never fallen to an assault,” said Theoden.
JACK HOLDEN: Nerd.
EUGENE WOODS: “But now my heart is doubtful.”
JACK HOLDEN: Nerd!
EUGENE WOODS: “How shall any tower withstand such numbers, and such reckless hate?”
JACK HOLDEN: By being real, and well-built, and manned by trained snipers with rifles, and by not being in a fantasy book.
EUGENE WOODS: They call it a fantasy book. A fantasy book!
Tour[]
(Plays if the defense tower has been upgraded.)
EUGENE WOODS: I can make it.
JACK HOLDEN: Eugene, it’s a lot taller than you think it is.
EUGENE WOODS: I can make it!
JACK HOLDEN: The Major specifically forbade anyone who isn’t fully fit from going on the tour.
EUGENE WOODS: I am fully fit, Jack.
JACK HOLDEN: You’re about seven-eighths fit, but you’re missing a rather crucial eighth when we’re talking about getting up a watchtower.
EUGENE WOODS: But how will my morale get boosted? The Major said the tour was intended to show Abel residents how much safer we are now, to boost their morale. I want my morale to be boosted.
JACK HOLDEN: You’ll need a pretty freaking big boost to get up there, is all I’m saying.
EUGENE WOODS: Well then, I’m lucky you’re so strong, aren’t I?
JACK HOLDEN: Oh, this is going to really suck for me, isn’t it?
EUGENE WOODS: Oh yeah, you’re going to be totally exhausted.
JACK HOLDEN: Great. Just great.
Marathon[]
(Plays if the training area has been upgraded.)
JACK HOLDEN: It’s going to be great!
EUGENE WOODS: I don’t know, are you sure I’m ready?
JACK HOLDEN: Come on, you’re a master on that crutch now.
EUGENE WOODS: But training for a walking marathon, really?
JACK HOLDEN: We have facilities now.
EUGENE WOODS: I’m not sure.
JACK HOLDEN: You can do it!
EUGENE WOODS: You really think so?
JACK HOLDEN: You’re Eugene freaking Woods, you can do anything!
EUGENE WOODS: All right.
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah?
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah.
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah?
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah!
JACK HOLDEN: All right! Marathon training starting tomorrow!
EUGENE WOODS: Nervous!
Montage[]
(Plays if the training area has been upgraded.)
EUGENE WOODS: In case you’re all wondering how my training’s going -
JACK HOLDEN: Eugene’s training for a walking marathon, if you hadn’t heard -
EUGENE WOODS: - yup, and we’ve just -
JACK HOLDEN: - because he never shuts up about it now.
EUGENE WOODS: Okay. Abel just improved its training facilities, so we’re just starting using some of the new equipment, and it’s going well.
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah. We’ve got a whole yoga thing going on -
EUGENE WOODS: - and bodyweight exercises -
JACK HOLDEN: - and one of those tire jumping thingies…
EUGENE WOODS: Although that’s not really my thing.
JACK HOLDEN: Not really, no. But well, we’ve kicked it up a notch, is the point.
EUGENE WOODS: And I’m really feeling the burn. Every second day, we’re out there -
JACK HOLDEN: - reenacting our favorite training montages.
EUGENE WOODS: Your favorite training montages.
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, all right, my favorites. But I’m the coach, so I get to pick.
EUGENE WOODS: He still hasn’t let me do Rocky. Mean.
JACK HOLDEN: And where are we going to find a thousand stairs for you to climb?
EUGENE WOODS: Mean.
Marathon[]
(Plays if the training area has been upgraded.)
JACK HOLDEN: And you’re not nervous?
EUGENE WOODS: No. I got this.
JACK HOLDEN: Course you do! When is it, again?
EUGENE WOODS: Just as soon as Janine works out the schedule for the new training facility.
JACK HOLDEN: Amazing. God, this is exciting, isn’t it?
EUGENE WOODS: Sure is. Listeners, the training facilities have just received a refresh, and the new circular running track is perfect for my walking marathon.
JACK HOLDEN: So…
EUGENE WOODS: So we’re waiting on Janine to set a date for me, and then I’m going for it.
JACK HOLDEN: And I’m going to be there cheering you on.
EUGENE WOODS: You better be!
JACK HOLDEN: I think Jody’s going to knit me a couple of pom-poms, even.
EUGENE WOODS: Okay, now I’m really excited!
JACK HOLDEN: Here’s one from your training mix, then.
You Shall Go To The Ball![]
(Plays if the farm has been upgraded and base morale is greater than 75%.)
ZOE CRICK: All right. Now, I believe Jack and Eugene have had a letter. Am I right, boys?
EUGENE WOODS: That’s right, Zoe. Someone sent us -
JACK HOLDEN: Anonymously.
EUGENE WOODS: That’s why I said someone, Jack.
JACK HOLDEN: Oh. Oh right, right. Carry on.
EUGENE WOODS; Someone sent us an anonymous letter asking for advice.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Ooh, I’ve always fancied trying my hand at the whole agony aunt thing.
JACK HOLDEN: Well, now’s your chance. Gene, do you want to read the letter?
EUGENE WOODS: Sure thing. Here we go: “Dear Jack, Eugene, Phil, and Zoe - ”
JACK HOLDEN: Thorough.
EUGENE WOODS: “I’m a resident at Abel, and there’s a person here I’d like to start dating. I’m not much for the standard approach of getting drunk on Ed’s moonshine and having a fumble behind the rec center [laughs] and I don’t think the object of my affection is, either.
Instead, I’m looking for a more traditional dating experience. Now, for obvious reasons I’m not keen on planning anything that needs us to leave Abel, and I’d rather not spend the whole day playing table tennis in the rec. What other activities would you suggest for a first date in the new world?”
PHIL CHEESEMAN: That’s a great question, listener. Thanks for writing in. Now, my first suggestion would be to take her -
JACK HOLDEN: Or him.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: - or him up to the farm. Uh, they’ve got some lovely sheep up there, haven’t they?
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah, uh, there’s a few sheep there.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Great! So, there’s sheep, and you can have a nice time petting them, and um… feeding them, and uh, talking to them… the sheep. Or your, uh, friend.
ZOE CRICK: Well, that’s completely terrible. Sheep stink, and they have fleas, and unless I’ve got completely the wrong idea about our listeners, I doubt their date is going to be a seven year old.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Jeez, pull some punches, why don’t you? I don’t hear you suggesting anything.
ZOE CRICK: Yes, well, that’s uh… what about the cinema?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Abel doesn’t have a cinema, Zoe. Does it?
JACK HOLDEN: Well, there’s a DVD player in the rec room, but Janine only lets us use it once a fortnight, so no, not really.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Abel doesn’t have a cinema, Zoe.
ZOE CRICK: Right, so… how about -
JACK HOLDEN: Dancing!
ZOE CRICK: What?
JACK HOLDEN: Dancing! You can organize a dance party in the quad! We could rig up our system to the PA speakers and have music, and you could invite them along to be your date, and… yeah! Dance party!
EUGENE WOODS: We’d have to ask Janine.
JACK HOLDEN: Oh, you know she can’t say no to me!
EUGENE WOODS: Except for every time you ask her for anything!
JACK HOLDEN: Well yeah, except for that.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: It’s a good idea though, Jack.
JACK HOLDEN: I’m going to ask Janine. Listener, you shall go to the ball!
ZOE CRICK: Oh Lord. Well, listener, just in case Jack actually manages to pull this off, here’s a song to get you in the mood.
Laundry Day[]
(Plays if the day is Monday.)
EUGENE WOODS: All right folks, I’m just popping in between songs here to remind you that it’s Monday, and you all know what that means. Yes, it’s clean laundry day for those of you lucky enough to have won a laundry ticket in last week’s ballot. So if that’s you, head on down to see Rajit and pick up your nice fresh socks.
Garfield[]
(Plays if the day is Monday.)
EUGENE WOODS: Oh man…
JACK HOLDEN: Don’t say it.
EUGENE WOODS: You know what, Jack?
JACK HOLDEN: I’m not kidding, Gene! I’ll leave!
EUGENE WOODS: No, it’s just -
JACK HOLDEN: Seriously. Don’t.
EUGENE WOODS: I hate Monday - !
JACK HOLDEN: La la la! No, really, every freaking week with the Garfield. Just stop, Gene!
[EUGENE WOODS laughs]
Ruby Tuesday[]
(Plays if the day is Tuesday.)
JACK HOLDEN: Ah! “Ruby Tuesday.”
EUGENE WOODS: Oh, good one. Ugh, it’s tough!
JACK HOLDEN: You can surrender.
EUGENE WOODS: Never! Uh, “Tuesday Afternoon.”
JACK HOLDEN: Shenanigans. Who’s it by?
EUGENE WOODS: Moody Blues.
JACK HOLDEN: Hmm. All right, sounds plausible. I’ll let it pass.
EUGENE WOODS: Your turn.
JACK HOLDEN: “Tuesday’s Gone.”
EUGENE WOODS: Nice. Didn’t have you pegged for a Skynyrd fan, though.
JACK HOLDEN: Oh, I went through a phase.
EUGENE WOODS: Who was he?
JACK HOLDEN: Oh, shush.
Etymology[]
(Plays if the day is Tuesday.)
EUGENE WOODS: Here’s something I bet you didn’t know.
JACK HOLDEN: Oh God.
EUGENE WOODS: What?
JACK HOLDEN: You’ve got that voice on.
EUGENE WOODS: What voice?
JACK HOLDEN: That explainy voice you get.
EUGENE WOODS: I don’t get a voice!
JACK HOLDEN: Hmm. Fine. Well, what is it?
EUGENE WOODS: I don’t want to tell you now.
JACK HOLDEN: Oh no no no, go on! It’ll annoy me otherwise.
EUGENE WOODS: No, I’m too worried about "the voice" now.
JACK HOLDEN: Oh, just tell me, for God’s sake.
EUGENE WOODS: [sighs] Fine. What I was going to say was we get the word Tuesday from Tyr, the Norse god of war and law. So Tuesday’s the day for lawyers and soldiers.
JACK HOLDEN: Shame we’re not either, really, eh?
EUGENE WOODS: Hmm. Yeah.
JACK HOLDEN: That was actually quite interesting, though.
EUGENE WOODS: See?
Hump Day[]
(Plays if the day is Wednesday.)
EUGENE WOODS: Ugh. Hump Day, eh?
JACK HOLDEN: What?
EUGENE WOODS: You know, Wednesday, the hump of the week? Got to get over it to get to the weekend? Classic office chat from before the fall?
JACK HOLDEN: Oh, uh, I don’t really know. I’ve never had a job as such.
EUGENE WOODS: Seriously?
JACK HOLDEN: Well, uh… never in an office.
EUGENE WOODS: Right.
JACK HOLDEN: Or well, during what you might call “working hours.”
EUGENE WOODS: I don’t want to know, do I?
JACK HOLDEN: I’ll tell you later.
Birthday[]
(Plays if the day is Wednesday.)
EUGENE WOODS: You know, I was born on a Wednesday.
JACK HOLDEN: Really? That’s funny, actually, because I’ve never had a birthday on a Wednesday.
EUGENE WOODS: What?
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah. My birthday’s never been on a Wednesday.
EUGENE WOODS: But that’s… do you not know how a calendar works?
JACK HOLDEN: [snorts] Mister Woods, do you not know when my birthday is?
EUGENE WOODS: Oh. Well, no, not really. Uh, to be honest, after the whole apocalypse thing, it never really came up.
JACK HOLDEN: Ah ha ha! Well then, you’re about to feel right stupid, boy-o. It’s February 29th.
EUGENE WOODS: Oh, that’s pretty cool!
JACK HOLDEN: Why, thank you.
Appointment[]
(Plays if the day is Thursday.)
JACK HOLDEN: Hey Gene, I keep forgetting to ask you. How was your appointment this morning?
EUGENE WOODS: My what?
JACK HOLDEN: Your appointment with Maxine?
EUGENE WOODS: Oh.
JACK HOLDEN: Seriously?
EUGENE WOODS: No, look -
JACK HOLDEN: Oh, don’t give me any of that.
EUGENE WOODS: But listen, Jack, it was just -
JACK HOLDEN: No, I know what you were just -
EUGENE WOODS: It’s not that important.
JACK HOLDEN: Seriously? Eugene, you lost a leg. Yes, you’re doing a little better, yes, it’s mostly healed, and yes, it was a little while ago, but not that long. So when Maxine says you turn up on Thursday to see her, you turn up on Thursday to see her.
EUGENE WOODS: Fine, fine! I know, I just… no, you’re right.
JACK HOLDEN: Didn’t I even come and annoy you about it?
EUGENE WOODS: I know! You’re right. God, I hate saying that. Feels wrong.
JACK HOLDEN: I know, it’s weird for me, too.
EUGENE WOODS: What are you doing?
JACK HOLDEN: Nothing, just checking to make sure the earth is still rotating around the sun.
EUGENE WOODS: [laughs] God, you’re such a dork! Get back here and play some music, would you?
Print Deadline[]
(Plays if the day is Thursday.)
EUGENE WOODS: You know what, Jack, I’ve been thinking.
JACK HOLDEN: Ooh, careful now.
EUGENE WOODS: Idiot. I was thinking about how less than a year ago, I dreaded Thursdays.
JACK HOLDEN: Oh yeah?
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah. It was my print deadline for the weekend magazine at the paper, which meant I was usually desperately trying to finish rewriting some review or source some picture for an article, or convince my sub-editor not to replace my carefully-crafted headline with a crappy pun on the word flambé.
JACK HOLDEN: Sounds tough.
EUGENE WOODS: It was stressful, I guess, but yeah. I’d end up working late, not getting out of the office until 10 or 11, then get up on Friday and start working on the next week’s magazine. At the time, I hated it.
JACK HOLDEN: And here it comes.
EUGENE WOODS: Here comes what?
JACK HOLDEN: Here comes the wistful, “What I wouldn’t do to be back there right now, sub-editing an article at the last minute while my face fell off from tiredness.”
EUGENE WOODS: Oh? Well, yeah. What’s your point?
JACK HOLDEN: It’s post-apocalypse nostalgia! Gene, everyone’s got it. “If I could just go back to that time, I’d never complain about taxes or traffic jams or anything.”
EUGENE WOODS: So? It’s true.
JACK HOLDEN: Well it’s total crap! People always complain. There’s always someone worse off than you, but that doesn’t stop stuff annoying you. Back then it was work and X Factor and the government.
Now, it’s no showers and sleepless nights and the possibility of being slaughtered by the living dead. But it’s all just the… I don’t know, the high cost of living, I guess. No matter how good they’ve got it, every complains, all the time. Get over it!
EUGENE WOODS: Hmm.
JACK HOLDEN: What?
EUGENE WOODS: You are so full of it.
Home Time[]
(Plays if the day is Friday.)
JACK HOLDEN: Hey Gene?
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah?
JACK HOLDEN: Remember when you were a kid, right?
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah.
JACK HOLDEN: And like, you were at school.
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah.
JACK HOLDEN: And on Friday you’d get all excited in the last couple of hours of the day, and just sit there staring out of the window, waiting to get home for the weekend?
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah.
JACK HOLDEN: That was great, wasn’t it?
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah.
Friday, I'm In Love[]
(Plays if the day is Friday.)
EUGENE WOODS: Hey Jack?
JACK HOLDEN: What?
EUGENE WOODS: You know, I’ve been thinking.
JACK HOLDEN: Oh yeah? What is it now?
EUGENE WOODS: Well, I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t care if Monday’s blue.
JACK HOLDEN: Oh! Or like, if Tuesday’s gray.
EUGENE WOODS: And Wednesday, too.
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah. And Thursday, I don’t care about you.
EUGENE WOODS: It’s Friday.
JACK HOLDEN: Friday?
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah. It’s Friday, and I’m in love.
[JACK HOLDEN and EUGENE WOODS laugh]
Weekend[]
(Plays if the day is Saturday.)
EUGENE WOODS: Oh man, I’m so glad it’s the weekend.
JACK HOLDEN: Tell me about it. No work to go to.
EUGENE WOODS: No commute.
JACK HOLDEN: No colleagues sniping behind your back.
EUGENE WOODS: No deadlines, no quotas.
JACK HOLDEN: Just a long lie-in and a day spent watching cartoons in your underwear.
EUGENE WOODS: [sighs] Ah, bliss.
[JACK HOLDEN sighs]
EUGENE WOODS: I feel like we’re forgetting something.
JACK HOLDEN: Oh God. It’s not Monday, is it? Have we done that thing where you think it’s Saturday but it’s actually Monday?
EUGENE WOODS: Um, no, wait. Let me just check something… holy God, what happened to my leg?!
JACK HOLDEN: Oh my God, your leg’s off!
EUGENE WOODS: What the heck is going on? Oh, wait. I remember.
JACK HOLDEN: What? What is it?
EUGENE WOODS: That apocalypse thing.
JACK HOLDEN: Ohhh.
EUGENE WOODS: [snaps fingers] That’s what we were forgetting.
JACK HOLDEN: Oh yeah!
EUGENE WOODS: So that’s what it was.
JACK HOLDEN: But does this mean we don’t get a lie-in?
EUGENE WOODS: Afraid not.
JACK HOLDEN: Bummer.
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah. This sucks.
Roast Dinner[]
(Plays if the day is Sunday.)
EUGENE WOODS: I want a roast.
JACK HOLDEN: No. No, you can’t say that!
EUGENE WOODS: Well, I just did.
JACK HOLDEN: Putting the idea of a roast into an innocent man’s head. I was quite happy with the idea of the Sunday meat slop. Now you’ve put thoughts of gravy into my head.
EUGENE WOODS: Yorkshire pudding…
JACK HOLDEN: Stop it!
EUGENE WOODS: Crispy skin of a roast chicken…
JACK HOLDEN: That’s enough, now!
EUGENE WOODS: Brussels sprouts…
JACK HOLDEN: [laughs] Yeah, that’s not going to work.
EUGENE WOODS: Roast potatoes…
JACK HOLDEN: Too far! Too far, Gene! I’m off.
EUGENE WOODS: Jack!
JACK HOLDEN: No, that is not cool. You know how I loved roast dinners, and you had to push it, didn’t you?
EUGENE WOODS: ...Mint sauce.
JACK HOLDEN: That is not funny! I’ve had it up to – you can just – ugh!
EUGENE WOODS: Are you going to pretend to storm off? Will that make you feel better?
JACK HOLDEN: Yes. [opens door]
EUGENE WOODS: Well, will you get me water while you’re out?
JACK HOLDEN: Sure. [shuts door]
EUGENE WOODS: He’ll be back.
Atwood Macmullin Boyd[]
JACK HOLDEN: Okay Eugene, how about we start the rundown?
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah, seems as good a time as any.
JACK HOLDEN: The – [laughs] the “run"down?
EUGENE WOODS: Very good.
JACK HOLDEN: Because it’s all about the best runs.
EUGENE WOODS: I get it. Very nice pun.
JACK HOLDEN: Don’t you mean "run”?
EUGENE WOODS: So guys, we’re celebrating all the hard work our runners do by taking a look at the best runs as and when they happen.
JACK HOLDEN: And today we’ve got a little piece of tactical genius from Runner Nineteen.
EUGENE WOODS: That’s Atwood Macmullin Boyd, for those of you who aren’t lucky enough to know the man personally.
JACK HOLDEN: Right. So, this took place this morning on a fuel run out to the motorway. Talk us through it, Eugene.
EUGENE WOODS: My pleasure. Now, this starts out as your standard fuel run. A couple of cannisters, some hose to drain the cars. Nothing but open road and a couple of distant shamblers to slow our man Nineteen down.
JACK HOLDEN: Until -
EUGENE WOODS: Until a bus full of previously undisturbed zoms bursts open and floods the road with the dead.
JACK HOLDEN: Everyone’s worst nightmare: an unexpected swarm right between them and home.
EUGENE WOODS: Exactly. But our man Atwood is not one to panic or lose his head. No. Instead, he takes a look around him, spots a car with all four tires still intact, pops the handbrake and sets that thing rolling down towards the swarm.
JACK HOLDEN: Instant zombie roadkill.
EUGENE WOODS: And it doesn’t end there! Knowing he couldn’t possibly hit them all in one go, he’s tossed his noisemaker into the passenger seat and turned it on. That made sure the remaining zoms were distracted long enough for him to climb onto the roof of the bus, sneak around the back of them, and make his escape back to Abel.
JACK HOLDEN: What a hero!
EUGENE WOODS: That’s our man.
JACK HOLDEN: Only…
EUGENE WOODS: What?
JACK HOLDEN: Well, wasn’t Janine super annoyed that he’d lost a noisemaker?
EUGENE WOODS: Uh, yeah. Apparently, she chewed him out for around 20 minutes about “properly respecting the technology which he had been issued.” But then the Major reminded her that a runner and six full cans of fuel were less easy to replace than an old smoke alarm, and so she backed off.
JACK HOLDEN: Fair point. Still, wouldn’t have liked to be him for those 20 minutes.
EUGENE WOODS: No. But here’s a song for you, Atwood, in the hope that it’ll wipe the experience from your mind.
Justin Miles[]
JACK HOLDEN: And it’s that time again, guys, for the run of the day. What have we got today, Gene?
EUGENE WOODS: Well, this is more of an entry for the blooper reel than anything else, to be honest with you, Jack.
JACK HOLDEN: Oh no. No, Simon didn’t do a supply run naked again, did he?
EUGENE WOODS: No, thankfully. You know what the Major did last time he insisted on uh, showing off his glutes?
JACK HOLDEN: Yeesh, yeah. Three days without clothing must have been pretty nippy.
EUGENE WOODS: He certainly looked cold.
JACK HOLDEN: [clears throat] So uh, not another streaking incident?
EUGENE WOODS: No. This little incident occurred when Runners Four and Eighteen were both out on separate missions.
JACK HOLDEN: Right, right. Eighteen was out checking cameras -
EUGENE WOODS: - and Jody was grabbing firewood, right? Now, as you probably know, Mister Miles -
JACK HOLDEN: Justin Miles, Runner Eighteen.
EUGENE WOODS: Right. Now, Justin’s a stealthy man, as you probably know, which is why he’s sent out to the cameras and other high-risk areas.
JACK HOLDEN: I can see where this is going.
EUGENE WOODS: And a lot of the cameras are in rather… wild?
JACK HOLDEN: Muddy?
EUGENE WOODS: Messy places. So when Justin comes out of the trees just as Jody’s on her way back to the gates -
JACK HOLDEN: - he must have looked a right state.
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah. And Jody’s just escaped a pack of sprinters out in the woods, so she sees Justin running towards her covered in mud and scratches from the bushes -
JACK HOLDEN: Oh God!
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah. She swings for him with this huge log she’s carrying -
JACK HOLDEN: Yeesh!
EUGENE WOODS: Luckily, his reaction time’s better than a zom’s, so he ducks at the last moment and manages to avoid a busted face.
JACK HOLDEN: Thank God.
EUGENE WOODS: Exactly. I think Jody’s agreed to give him her laundry ticket for this week as an apology.
JACK HOLDEN: So all’s well that ends well, I guess. Justin gets some clean socks, and Jody, uh…
EUGENE WOODS: Jody gets this song.
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah.
EUGENE WOODS: To remind her to stop feeling guilty about it. Jody, it wasn’t your fault.
JACK HOLDEN: And Justin, maybe less running directly at people the next time you look like you’ve been dragged through the hedge backwards, yeah? Enjoy this one, guys.
Erik Englert[]
EUGENE WOODS: All right! Now, it’s time for another run of the day, and today it’s something pretty special.
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, I really couldn’t believe this when I heard it.
EUGENE WOODS: I suppose, with the number of runs we send people out on and the laws of chance, it had to happen at least once, right?
JACK HOLDEN: I don’t know. I can’t believe this is just chance, though. Maybe it’s a sign.
EUGENE WOODS: Come on, you can’t really… wait, we should explain what’s happening here.
JACK HOLDEN: Oh, oh yeah. Um, right. So, listeners, Runner Twenty-One’s just returned from the old pharmacy -
EUGENE WOODS: - out to get some antibiotics and so on.
JACK HOLDEN: Right, and… no, you won’t believe this. The whole time he was out – that’s four hours! - He didn’t see a single zom.
EUGENE WOODS: Not a one.
JACK HOLDEN: Nothing on the cameras, no visual contact, not even a murmur on the breeze.
EUGENE WOODS: Incredible, right?
JACK HOLDEN: Now obviously, we’re not saying that there are no more zoms.
EUGENE WOODS: Obviously not.
JACK HOLDEN: Just that for this one blissful, perfect, four hour period, Mister Erik Englert managed to run from here to the pharmacy and back again without seeing a single one.
EUGENE WOODS: The perfect run. Man, remember when you could just run for fun?
JACK HOLDEN: Well, maybe you could run just for fun. It was always torture for me.
EUGENE WOODS: But not for Erik. At least not today.
JACK HOLDEN: Not today. Erik, this song’s for you.
Runner Zero in The Forest of Fear[]
[RADIO CABEL sings “Runner Zero in the Forest of Fear” theme tune]
EUGENE WOODS: And now, Radio Cabel presents the sensational first installment of “Runner Zero in the Forest of Fear.”
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Runner Zero, Runner Zero, come in. Do you read me, Runner Zero?
ZOE CRICK: Reading you, Control. What’s the 411?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Bad news, I’m afraid, Sally. Seventeen and Twenty-Two have got themselves in a bit of a jam.
[zombies groan]
JACK HOLDEN: We’re treed, Sal!
EUGENE WOODS: It’s our own fault, Control. We got too greedy, got surrounded.
ZOE CRICK: How many, Twenty-Two?
EUGENE WOODS: A couple of dozen, Control.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Dear God. I haven’t seen a swarm that size since Grimthorpe.
ZOE CRICK: We lost a lot of good runners that day, Control. Never again.
JACK HOLDEN: There’s something in the trees. It’s -
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Sally, there’s not a runner on my books who could take on that many zombies after dark and survive!
ZOE CRICK: Lucky I’m not on your books, then.
JACK HOLDEN: Oh God! It’s coming back! Hurry, Zero!
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Runner Zero, you are not cleared for this mission. This is totally against the rules! They’ll take your number for this!
ZOE CRICK: No fear, Control. You know there’s only one rule I live by: run faster. Hang tight, boys. I’m coming for you.
[RADIO CABEL sings ominous music]
EUGENE WOODS: Will Runner Zero reach them in time? Will all of our heroes survive the unstoppable onslaught of the undead? What untold evil lurks in the darkness between the trees? Find out next time on “Runner Zero in the Forest of Fear”!
The Forest of Fear Part Two[]
EUGENE WOODS: And now we return to the shocking second installment of “Runner Zero in the Forest of Fear.”
[RADIO CABEL sings “Runner Zero in the Forest of Fear” theme tune]
[zombies groan]
ZOE CRICK: I’m approaching the forest now, Control. Seventeen, Twenty-Two, get ready to run.
EUGENE WOODS: Roger that, Zero.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Be careful out there, runners. I don’t like these odds.
ZOE CRICK: You know me, Captain. I never made a bet I didn’t think I could win.
JACK HOLDEN: But Sal, there’s so many! How are you going to distract them all?
ZOE CRICK: I’m going to show them the stars. Tie your laces, boys! It’s time to run.
[RADIO CABEL imitate firework explosions]
EUGENE WOODS: Fireworks! Sal, you’re a genius! Keep running!
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Go, runners! Go! Get out of that forest and come on home!
JACK HOLDEN: You don’t have to tell us twice, Control.
[JACK HOLDEN and EUGENE WOODS struggle to get out of trees; something attacks]
EUGENE WOODS: Oh God! What’s – what’s that?
JACK HOLDEN: No! They’re alive! They’re alive!
[JACK HOLDEN and EUGENE WOODS shout]
ZOE CRICK: Seventeen, Twenty-Two, report!
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Their lines are dead! What the hell is out there?
ZOE CRICK: Only one way to found out, Captain: I’m going in.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Sally, no! It’s too dangerous.
ZOE CRICK: All the more reason to get them out of there. Put the kettle on, Control. We’ll all be back before you know it.
[RADIO CABEL sings ominous music]
EUGENE WOODS: What will Runner Zero find? Who or what has taken the other runners? Will our hero survive? Find out in the next mind-bending installment of “Runner Zero in the Forest of Fear.”
The Forest of Fear Part Three[]
EUGENE WOODS: And now, dear listeners, we bring you to the thrilling third installment of “Runner Zero in the Forest of Fear.”
[RADIO CABEL sings “Runner Zero in the Forest of Fear” theme tune]
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Runner Zero. Runner Zero, report!
ZOE CRICK: Reading you, Control. I’m heading into the forest now. No sign of the zoms, thankfully, but no sign of Seventeen or Twenty-Two, either.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Um, that noise… any sign of what’s making it?
ZOE CRICK: None yet, Control. But I bet my boots on the fact that I’ll find it when I find the boys.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: If you find them.
ZOE CRICK: No fear, Control, I’ll find them.
[JACK HOLDEN shouts]
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Move, Zero! They sound nearby!
ZOE CRICK: I’m coming, Seventeen!
JACK HOLDEN: Well, good, Sally! Help! [chokes]
ZOE CRICK: I see them, Control! Oh! Oh my God!
PHIL CHEESEMAN: What is it? Zero? Zero, report!
ZOE CRICK: It’s the trees, Control! They’re alive!
[RADIO CABEL sings ominous music]
EUGENE WOODS: Living trees? Undead fiends? What horror will Runner Zero face next? Will she reach the boys in time? Find out as we continue “Runner Zero in the Forest of Fear.”
The Forest of Fear Part Four[]
EUGENE WOODS: And now, we rejoin our heroes as they flee for their lives. It’s part four of “Runner Zero in the Forest of Fear.”
[RADIO CABEL sings “Runner Zero in the Forest of Fear” theme tune]
EUGENE WOODS: Thanks for the rescue, Sal.
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah. Pretty lucky you were carrying your trademark machete.
ZOE CRICK: It’s just like me, Seventeen: fearless, no-nonsense, and sharp as hell.
EUGENE WOODS: And it’s really useful for cutting through killer vines when they imprison your fellow runners!
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hate to interrupt the chat, guys, but I could do with a status update, here.
ZOE CRICK: Just trying to escape these sentient killer vines and find our way out of the forest, Control.
JACK HOLDEN: And just how in the heck did trees start thinking for themselves, anyway?
EUGENE WOODS: Uh, speaking of which -
PHIL CHEESEMAN: What? What is it?
ZOE CRICK: Our route’s blocked! The forest is – it’s knitting itself together!
[RADIO CABEL sings ominous music]
EUGENE WOODS: Escape seems impossible. Our heroes seem doomed. Will they be consumed by the coniferous carnivore? Tune in next time for the thrilling conclusion of “Runner Zero in the Forest of Fear.”
The Forest of Fear Part Five[]
EUGENE WOODS: Up next, we are proud to bring you the thrilling, the chilling, the fear-instilling final part of “Runner Zero in the Forest of Fear.”
[RADIO CABEL sings “Runner Zero in the Forest of Fear” theme tune]
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Runners, report!
ZOE CRICK: Bit of a sticky thicket here, Control. Seems these plants weren’t too keen on letting us get away after all.
EUGENE WOODS: The – the thing I can’t work out is why they didn’t try and grab us when we were up in the trees.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Mike, you’re a genius!
JACK HOLDEN: Don’t tell him that, Control. It’ll go to his head.
EUGENE WOODS: The only thing that’s going to my head right now is blood! These damn things have me hanging upside down!
ZOE CRICK: What are you thinking, Control?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: The zoms, Zero! The trees must be repelled by them! Maybe some auto- autono- [out of character] autonomic pheromonal response. [in character] Autonomic pheromonal response to the zombies’ less – [out of character] oh dear God - [in character] lessened biorhythmic signature. Do you still have - do you still have a noisemaker?
ZOE CRICK: [laughs out of character] [in character] Uh, it’s in my pack, but I can’t – I can’t reach it!
JACK HOLDEN: I think – I think I might be able to -
[PHIL CHEESEMAN hits ZOE CRICK]
ZOE CRICK: Ow, Phil. Too hard.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: [mutters] Sorry.
JACK HOLDEN: Got it! [imitates noismaker ringing]
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Great job, Seventeen.
ZOE CRICK: They’re coming!
EUGENE WOODS: The vines, they’re retreating!
ZOE CRICK: We’re free. Come on boys, let’s make like a tree before those zoms catch us.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Good job, Zero. Come on home. The kettle’s boiling.
ZOE CRICK: Two sugars today, I think, Control.
[RADIO CABEL sings triumphant music]
EUGENE WOODS: And so, Runner Zero escapes the Forest of Fear, returning once more in triumph to Cain Castle.
JACK HOLDEN: Runner Zero in the Forest of Fear was a Radio Cabel production, written, directed, and produced by Phil Cheeseman, Zoe Crick, Jack Holden, and Eugene Woods.
ZOE CRICK: Control was played by Phil Cheeseman.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Zoe Crick provided the voice of Runner Zero.
EUGENE WOODS: Jack Holden played Runner Seventeen.
JACK HOLDEN: And Eugene Woods appeared as Runner Twenty-Two.
[RADIO CABEL sings Radio Cabel production theme]
The Ablers Part One[]
PHIL CHEESEMAN: It’s time to join our friends over at the De Luca Farm for another episode of “The Ablers,” where Lee is having problems with the wheat crop.
[RADIO CABEL sings “The Ablers” theme tune]
ZOE CRICK: Afternoon, Lee. Not having much luck with the wheat, is it? I hope we don’t have to start trading with Monton, again. They were charging us three cans of fuel a ton last time, and that’s well above the market rate.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Aye, aye. With the recent droughts, though, it’s a seller’s market, you know? More’s the pity for us. I’m not ready to ring any alarm bells yet, but I’m starting to worry we might have a case of take-all on our hands.
[JACK HOLDEN loudly imitates chicken squawking in the background]
EUGENE WOODS: [whispers] Shh, Jack! Jack, too much!
ZOE CRICK: Oh yes, I can see. All the seeds are going white. That’s not a good sign, is it?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Not so good, no. But luckily it’s only in this patch by the fence. I think we should be able to save the rest if we can get the affected stuff out before the fungus gets its hyphae out and spreads too far.
ZOE CRICK: Better grab a spade, then.
[PHIL CHEESEMAN imitates a doorbell ringing]
JACK HOLDEN: Ah! Hello, Dan. What is it that brings Abel’s most beloved operator to the commissary this afternoon? Horlicks, is it?
EUGENE WOODS: Not today, Bob, no. I’m actually after a dab of vinegar.
JACK HOLDEN: Oh, well, you’re lucky, I could tell you! I’ve just had half a bottle in. What is it you’re wanting it for?
EUGENE WOODS: Cleaning, I’m afraid. You know me. Someone spilled something on the comms desk, and I’d like to clean it before anything jams or breaks.
JACK HOLDEN: Always taking care of your equipment, eh?
EUGENE WOODS: You take care of it, and it’ll take care of you, that’s my motto. And vinegar’s best for this bit of cleaning.
JACK HOLDEN: Right then! I’ll just nip out back to get it for you.
[RADIO CABEL sings “The Ablers” theme tune]
The Ablers Part Two[]
PHIL CHEESEMAN: We return now to the De Luca Farm, where Lee’s attempts to save the wheat crop are causing tension.
[RADIO CABEL sings “The Ablers” theme tune]
JACK HOLDEN: Listen, Lee, all I’m trying to say is if you’re looking for somewhere new to plant, you need to consider the drainage. Look uphill of me. The makeup of the soil’s all wrong. This is all silty clay on shale. The water’ll run right through that and the next time it rains, you’ll have to go fishing your dinner out of the river!
PHIL CHEESEMAN: I understand what you’re saying, Bob, but the crop has to go somewhere. The soil at the farm’s contaminated with take-all now. The only way to fix that for the next season is to plant in a new spot and put something else where the wheat is!
JACK HOLDEN: Right, but what about over there by the eastern fence? There’s an empty patch over there now they’ve condemned the shed after Pete fell off it onto Bess’s prize cow, and the soil over there is all loamy. Perfect water retention!
PHIL CHEESEMAN: You make a good point, Bob, but I’m worried about the mineral balance over there. Ground’s been leached with the thawing of the winter frost. It’s just too nitrogen poor.
JACK HOLDEN: Surely you can solve that with some fertilizer.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, don’t give me that again! We don’t have any appropriate fertilizer.
[PHIL CHEESEMAN imitates doorbell ringing]
ZOE CRICK: Oh! Hello, Dan. Are you looking for Bob? He’s out in the field, arguing with Lee again.
EUGENE WOODS: Oh no, what is it this time? Not a replay of last month, is it?
ZOE CRICK: The cricket thing? No, no. Bob conceded it probably was unlikely that he’d seen Jimmy Anderson on his way out of London, given that they were defending the Ashes in Australia at the time of the outbreak. It’s the first time I’ve ever heard him admit he was wrong!
EUGENE WOODS: Oh well, that’s good at least. And will you be going up to Janine’s for the book club later?
ZOE CRICK: Oh yes. You know me. Can’t get enough, can I?
EUGENE WOODS: And what’s the book this time?
ZOE CRICK: The first half of Great Expectations. The second half’s missing, but Janine’s going to fill us in on what happens before we start our discussion.
EUGENE WOODS: Well, that’ll be nice.
ZOE CRICK: I’m sure it will. Anyway, what can I get for you?
EUGENE WOODS: Just some Horlicks for today, Poppy, if you got any.
ZOE CRICK: One second. I’ll just have to pop out back to check.
[RADIO CABEL sings “The Ablers” theme tune]
The Ablers Part Three[]
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Now let’s check back in with our pals over at De Luca Farm, where Poppy’s niece, Rosie, has been feeling a bit under the weather.
[RADIO CABEL sings “The Ablers” theme tune]
EUGENE WOODS: Morning, Poppy. Just thought I’d stick my head in to see how your Rosie’s getting on.
ZOE CRICK: Not so well I’m afraid, Dan. Looks like she’s coming down with the flu.
EUGENE WOODS: Oh, that’s a shame. Well, at least Marlene has just had some more medicine through.
ZOE CRICK: Yes, she’s about to bring some around now.
EUGENE WOODS: Ah well, that’s… that’s… oh, sorry. Guys, I just, I can’t do this. This is so boring.
[PHIL CHEESEMAN gasps]
JACK HOLDEN: Gene!
EUGENE WOODS: What? I know this is supposed to be some beloved British classic or something, but I’m sorry, I just don’t get it at all.
JACK HOLDEN: A lot of people love The Archers, Gene.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Myself among them. Oh, to curl up in a big chair on a Sunday for the omnibus. It’s a slice of life! Like uh, a home comfort. Like hot soup made by your mom or something. It’s a restorative.
ZOE CRICK: God, Phil, it’s a radio show, not a religious experience.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Speak for yourself. And now it’s all ruined.
EUGENE WOODS: It was ruined when we started, if you ask me.
ZOE CRICK: Hear, hear.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, now you -
JACK HOLDEN: Look, listen. Why don’t we… why don’t we just take a bit of a break from the whole Archers thing and come back to it later maybe?
EUGENE WOODS: Sounds good to me.
ZOE CRICK: Yup. I could do with a day without fertilizer or farming equipment.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: If we must.
JACK HOLDEN: Great! Then, listeners, we’ll have a song, and then we’ll be back with something completely different.
Up All Night[]
(Plays if the time is before 9:00 AM.)
EUGENE WOODS: [yawns] Okay, right. Here we go.
JACK HOLDEN: [yawn] Damn, that is contagious.
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah, wow. Okay. Good morning, everyone. If you’re just joining us, we’re… we’re with you a bit earlier than usual today.
JACK HOLDEN: Just a bit.
EUGENE WOODS: Well, quite a bit actually, if we’re honest.
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah. You know us media types: in bed until noon, out in the clubs networking until three.
EUGENE WOODS: Well, not today.
JACK HOLDEN: Nope!
EUGENE WOODS: Today we’re here early with you after a long sleepless night.
JACK HOLDEN: Not a wink between us.
EUGENE WOODS: Nope. You see, it seems one of the kids next door has entered their screaming night terrors phase.
JACK HOLDEN: Which is understandable, given the circumstances.
EUGENE WOODS: Of course. Wailing child, we do not blame you.
JACK HOLDEN: Not at all. But we do wish you a swift return to peaceful sleep.
EUGENE WOODS: Mainly because we’d like some of that ourselves.
JACK HOLDEN: Absolutely. [yawns] I’m exhausted.
EUGENE WOODS: [yawns] You and me both. Right. Let’s kick off the day with a song, shall we?
JACK HOLDEN: Great plan. Here you go, guys. A little something to wake you up.
Fire Drill[]
(Plays if the time is before 9:00 AM.)
EUGENE WOODS: Oh, it is too early. Too, too early. Jack? Jack, it is just too early to be here.
JACK HOLDEN: Well, it’s hardly my fault we had to be up for that fire drill.
EUGENE WOODS: No, I know, I know.
JACK HOLDEN: I mean, what was Janine thinking?
EUGENE WOODS: I know!
JACK HOLDEN: Probably something about efficiency.
EUGENE WOODS: Preparedness.
JACK HOLDEN: Pushing the population of the township to fatigue-induced psychosis.
EUGENE WOODS: [laughs] That does sound like Janine.
JACK HOLDEN: [sighs] The worst bit is she’s probably bloody right.
EUGENE WOODS: Almost certainly. Janine, we hope you’re listening. We hate you for killing our sleep cycle, but we love you for keeping us safe.
JACK HOLDEN: Maybe just let us sleep in a bit more next time though, eh?
EUGENE WOODS: That’d be nice. We’ll be back after this.
Be Witty[]
(Plays if the time is before 9:00 AM.)
EUGENE WOODS: Okay, everyone. It’s far too early for us to be witty.
JACK HOLDEN: Uh, speak for yourself.
EUGENE WOODS: All right, go ahead then. Dazzle us with your wit.
JACK HOLDEN: Um… [imitates cowboy voice] Howdy, partners! My momma always said, uh – [laughs] you gotta rise early to –
[BOTH laugh]
JACK HOLDEN: Okay, point taken.
EUGENE WOODS: What was that?
JACK HOLDEN: [laughs] Oh, shut up.
Danke Schoen[]
(Plays if the time is before 9:00 AM and base morale is greater than 75%.)
JACK HOLDEN: All right! Uh, good morning, everyone. We’re with you bright and early today, catching the worm, rising with the flock, making hay while the sun shines, gathering rosebuds… [laughs] Well, basically, getting out of bed at an appalling time because Eugene wanted to watch the sunrise.
EUGENE WOODS: Well, Jack, you know what they say: life moves pretty fast if you don’t stop to look around once in a while. You could miss it.
JACK HOLDEN: Oh God, you’re not going to start singing “Danke Schoen” again, are you?
EUGENE WOODS: [sings] I recall Central Park in fall…
JACK HOLDEN: La la la la la! Nope nope, no no, just stop! Stop. It is too early for this.
EUGENE WOODS: [laughs] Fine, fine, fine. I get the message. You’re tone-deaf, and you have no appreciation of the wonderful things in front of you, like this sunrise, which I am going to go and enjoy outside.
JACK HOLDEN: Go right ahead, Bueller. I’ll be here, you know, doing our job.
EUGENE WOODS: Hey Cameron, do you realize if we played by the rules right now, we’d be in gym?
JACK HOLDEN: [laughs] Get out of here. I’ve got a song to play.
Bleurgh[]
(Plays if the time is before 9:00 AM and base morale is less than 30%.)
EUGENE WOODS: Ugh.
JACK HOLDEN: Bleurgh.
EUGENE WOODS: Ugh.
JACK HOLDEN: Ugh!
EUGENE WOODS: Why can’t there be coffee, Jack?
JACK HOLDEN: I hate this.
EUGENE WOODS: Ugh.
Cereal[]
(Plays if the time is between 9:00 AM and 12:00 PM.)
JACK HOLDEN: Ah! Good morning, good morning, good morning!
EUGENE WOODS: Good morning, everyone. You know, Jack, this time of day always reminds me of cereal commercials.
JACK HOLDEN: Well, that’s a pretty weird start to a conversation, Gene.
EUGENE WOODS: I don’t know, [laughs] it’s just on my mind, I suppose. What was your favorite cereal commercial when you were growing up?
JACK HOLDEN: What… what was my favorite cereal commercial growing up?
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah!
JACK HOLDEN: Oh, well uh, that’s such a tough question. There are so many. Cocoa Puffs, Rice Krispies, Cheerios of course, and then there’s Frosties. Man, I’m going to have to think about this for days, come up with a shortlist and get back to you.
EUGENE WOODS: All right, all right. So no major preference.
JACK HOLDEN: It’s a tricky question, is all.
EUGENE WOODS: No, fine, you’re indecisive. We know this. Listeners, I’m sure you’re desperate to know what mine is.
JACK HOLDEN: Drum roll, please.
EUGENE WOODS: Lucky Charms!
JACK HOLDEN: Was that the vampire one?
EUGENE WOODS: No, the leprechaun. You didn’t have them over here?
JACK HOLDEN: [snorts] No. A leprechaun? Seriously? Amazing.
EUGENE WOODS: It was cool.
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, for a given value of cool.
EUGENE WOODS: Oh, shush. Listeners, why don’t you drop us a line and let us know your favorite. And in the meantime, do we have a song?
JACK HOLDEN: Yep.
EUGENE WOODS: In the meantime, here’s a song.
Morning Person[]
(Plays if the time is between 9:00 AM and 12:00 PM.)
EUGENE WOODS: Good morning, Abel Township!
JACK HOLDEN: And environs.
EUGENE WOODS: Good morning, Abel Township and environs! And let me tell you something, it’s a fine, it’s a lovely, it’s another great morning here at the end of ci-vi-li-zation!
JACK HOLDEN: Well, someone’s perky, today?
EUGENE WOODS: Not a fan of the impression?
JACK HOLDEN: No no no, I love it! It’s just, not sure how you’ve got the energy for it.
EUGENE WOODS: Oh well. You know me, Jack. I’ve always been a morning person.
JACK HOLDEN: [laughs] Oh yeah?
EUGENE WOODS: Oh yeah! You know, back home there was nothing I liked more than getting up early and going for a walk around the park…
JACK HOLDEN: Hunting a few bears, cutting down a few trees…
EUGENE WOODS: Grabbing a cup of coffee…
JACK HOLDEN: Going dog sled racing…
EUGENE WOODS: And then heading to work feeling properly ready to start the day.
JACK HOLDEN: Hmm.
EUGENE WOODS: What?
JACK HOLDEN: We really are two alien species to one another, aren’t we?
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah. I have no idea how this works at all.
JACK HOLDEN: Me either. Uh, let’s try to figure it out in a break. Music?
EUGENE WOODS: Music.
JACK HOLDEN: Back at you soon, guys.
Rite and Shine![]
(Plays if the time is between 9:00 AM and 12:00 PM.)
JACK HOLDEN: All right, Abel Township, rise and shime!
EUGENE WOODS: Rise and shime?
JACK HOLDEN: Rine and shise… [laughs]
EUGENE WOODS: What? Rhyme and - ? [laughs]
JACK HOLDEN: Rime and shie! [laughs] God!
EUGENE WOODS: [laughs] Don’t! I can’t!
JACK HOLDEN: Rite and shine, Abel! Rite and shine! [laughs] That’ll have to do.
The Sound Of Peace[]
(Plays if the time is between 9:00 AM and 12:00 PM, and base morale is greater than 75%.)
EUGENE WOODS: Ah, good morning, Radio Abel.
JACK HOLDEN: Good morning, listeners. We hope you’re well-rested and ready for another day.
EUGENE WOODS: Absolutely. And well, I don’t know if you can hear it -
JACK HOLDEN: Hear what?
EUGENE WOODS: Listen.
JACK HOLDEN: ...Nope. Are the voices talking to you again?
EUGENE WOODS: Yes. They’re telling me to punch you repeatedly until you’re quiet.
JACK HOLDEN: Ooh, creepy. Oh, you weren’t kidding? ...Okay, okay, I give up. Sorry, what is it we’re listening for?
EUGENE WOODS: Nothing. Just the sound of kids on their way to the quad for school. The sound of food growing on the farm. The sound, Jack, of peace.
JACK HOLDEN: Oh. Yeah, that is nice.
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah. Yeah, it is.
The Semantics Of Time[]
(Plays if the time is between 9:00 AM and 12:00 PM, and base morale is less than 30%.)
EUGENE WOODS: Good morning, Radio Abel listeners.
JACK HOLDEN: It’s not morning. Good afternoon, Radio Abel listeners.
EUGENE WOODS: Jack, it’s definitely morning.
JACK HOLDEN: It’s clearly afternoon. Look at where the sun is.
EUGENE WOODS: Yes, it’s rising up to the highest point in the sky, a.k.a. morning.
JACK HOLDEN: No, it’s lowering down, a.k.a. afternoon. Look, that’s east over there.
EUGENE WOODS: Dear God, that is west, you idiot!
JACK HOLDEN: Don’t call me - ! Look, that’s clearly east, because New Canton’s over that -
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah?
JACK HOLDEN: Oh.
EUGENE WOODS: Right.
JACK HOLDEN: Hm.
EUGENE WOODS: So, good morning, Radio Abel listeners.
JACK HOLDEN: Oh, shut up.
The Porch[]
(Plays if the time is between 6:00 PM and 10:00 PM.)
[EUGENE WOODS sighs]
JACK HOLDEN: Whoa there, Mister Wistful. What’s going on in there?
EUGENE WOODS: Hmm? Oh, nothing.
JACK HOLDEN: No, now, come on. We talked about this. Your “strong and silent” act may be very appealing, but it’s not necessarily the most healthy thing in the world, Mister Woods.
EUGENE WOODS: All right, all right. [laughs] I was just thinking about how much I miss having a porch.
JACK HOLDEN: A porch?
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah! You know. This time of day, a lovely quality to the dusk, sitting out on the porch with a nice four pack from the local microbrewery and some fresh homemade eggplant chips, just soaking it in. But I guess that’s all gone now.
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah. Yeah, I guess so. Does sound nice. But…
EUGENE WOODS: But what?
JACK HOLDEN: Microbrew? [laughs] Homemade eggplant chips? Eugene, dear, your food critic is showing.
EUGENE WOODS: As is your smart-ass. Now shut up, play some music, and let me enjoy the memory.
JACK HOLDEN: Aye aye, Cap'n.
Daylight Savings[]
(Plays if the time is between 6:00 PM and 10:00 PM.)
JACK HOLDEN: You know, that song really reminds me of something.
EUGENE WOODS: Really? Do tell.
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, yeah, that song and this time of day, it makes me remember that we used to have daylight savings time. Like, we used to change what the time was. The time used to change! And now it doesn’t.
EUGENE WOODS: Well, quite apart from the major question of how the heck that song reminded you of daylight savings time, I don’t think you understand what time is, or how it works.
JACK HOLDEN: Hey! I do. I, well… well, I think I do.
EUGENE WOODS: Right. Well then, you obviously know that the way we measure time is just a system that we invented, right? There isn’t some objective thing that makes it five p.m., that’s just what we call it.
JACK HOLDEN: Right. Yeah, yeah, of course. So changing the clocks -
EUGENE WOODS: Come on.
JACK HOLDEN: Changing the clocks just changes what we call it.
EUGENE WOODS: Yup. Bang on.
JACK HOLDEN: Huh. Physics always confused me.
EUGENE WOODS: This isn’t – oh. Sure, whatever. Just play the song, would you?
Peepers[]
(Plays if the time is between 6:00 PM and 10:00 PM.)
[JACK HOLDEN shudders]
EUGENE WOODS: What’s wrong?
JACK HOLDEN: No, I just… do you remember when you were a kid -
EUGENE WOODS: Vaguely, yes -
JACK HOLDEN: - right, right, and when you were a kid, and it got all dark outside but the curtains were still open, and the worst thing you could possibly imagine was that there would suddenly be like, a really creepy face outside the window, staring back in at you?
EUGENE WOODS: [shudders] Yeah.
JACK HOLDEN: Eugene?
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah?
JACK HOLDEN: We don’t have any curtains.
EUGENE WOODS: Ugh, shut up!
JACK HOLDEN: I’m scared!
EUGENE WOODS: It’s fine! … I’m sure it’s fine.
Party Time[]
(Plays if the time is between 6:00 PM and 10:00 PM, and base morale is greater than 75%.)
EUGENE WOODS: All right, guys, I’m afraid we’re getting towards the end of our day’s live programming.
JACK HOLDEN: Wow, is that the time? Oh, come on, we don’t want to be late!
EUGENE WOODS: Don’t worry, we’ve got plenty of time. We don’t need to sign off just yet.
JACK HOLDEN: Aww, but I want it to start now.
EUGENE WOODS: I know, but you’ll just have to be patient. The thing Jack’s talking about, everybody, is the fact that tonight, Janine is hosting a little soirée at her house.
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, and we’re going to miss the best bits if we don’t get there on time.
EUGENE WOODS: Jack, we have plenty of time. Come on, do your job.
JACK HOLDEN: Ugh, all right!
EUGENE WOODS: Anyway, things have been pretty good around here lately. Everyone’s feeling pretty safe, pretty secure, so Janine’s having a little party to celebrate that fact.
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah! The runners have managed to find some old bottles of wine.
EUGENE WOODS: I heard there’ll be rum, too.
JACK HOLDEN: Oh God, keep that away from me.
EUGENE WOODS: No rum?
JACK HOLDEN: Never again. My friend Nick from uni once got me so drunk on rum that I threw up on the night bus. [laughs] It was not a pleasant experience.
EUGENE WOODS: All right, no rum for you, then. And no buses.
JACK HOLDEN: Good idea.
EUGENE WOODS: So there’ll be wine -
JACK HOLDEN: Yep, wine, and music, and Janine’s going to wear a dress!
EUGENE WOODS: Now that, I can’t wait to see.
JACK HOLDEN: I know, right? I’m so excited!
EUGENE WOODS: How about another song to get us in the mood, then?
JACK HOLDEN: Ooh, ooh yeah, I’ve got just the thing.
EUGENE WOODS: Enjoy!
Another Long Night[]
(Plays if the time is between 6:00 PM and 10:00 PM, and base morale is less than 30%.)
EUGENE WOODS: And we’re back. Hope you guys enjoyed that.
JACK HOLDEN: Mm.
EUGENE WOODS: At least, I hope you enjoyed it more than Jack.
JACK HOLDEN: So, more than zero enjoyment, then.
EUGENE WOODS: Well, hopefully. What’s wrong with you?
JACK HOLDEN: I’m just… [sighs] I don’t know if I can keep doing this.
EUGENE WOODS: What? What do you mean?
JACK HOLDEN: This, all… this. All this bloody darkness, and monsters, and struggling to get by is just – [teary voice] I can’t. Gene, I can’t do it anymore!
EUGENE WOODS: Jack -
JACK HOLDEN: No, I just -
EUGENE WOODS: Jack, look to me. I know this is hard. No one finds this easy. But that doesn’t mean we can give up! Yes, it’s dark. Yes, there are monsters out there, and yes, life sucks sometimes. But we’re still here to know it sucks, and that has to count for something, right? We’re still here, together, and it’s going to get light again.
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, okay. Yeah.
EUGENE WOODS: Okay?
JACK HOLDEN: Okay.
EUGENE WOODS: Put a song on. We’ll get some fresh air, eh?
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, okay.
Night Person[]
(Plays if the time is after 10:00 PM.)
EUGENE WOODS: Hey Jack?
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah?
EUGENE WOODS: Got a question.
JACK HOLDEN: Okay, shoot.
EUGENE WOODS: Right. So before all this, were you a morning person or a night person?
JACK HOLDEN: Hmm… well, when I was at uni -
EUGENE WOODS: College.
JACK HOLDEN: Thanks for the clarification.
EUGENE WOODS: No problem.
JACK HOLDEN: Out of curiosity, just how many North American listeners do you think we have?
EUGENE WOODS: I don’t know. There’s me -
JACK HOLDEN: You’re a host, not a listener.
EUGENE WOODS: Doctor Myers!
JACK HOLDEN: Okay, so one.
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah, well okay, it’s just a force of habit, isn’t it?
JACK HOLDEN: That’s your excuse for everything, Mister Still Pulls the Flusher on the Toilet.
EUGENE WOODS: All right, all right. Skip to the end.
JACK HOLDEN: As I was saying, at uni, I never started classes before about two.
EUGENE WOODS: Oh, the brutal life of an art history student.
JACK HOLDEN: Hey, it’s a vital and challenging sub- no, no you’re right, I mainly took it for the social scene.
EUGENE WOODS: Which was - ?
JACK HOLDEN: Phenomenal, and boozy, and full of very attractive folk.
EUGENE WOODS: Sounds like heaven.
JACK HOLDEN: It was. Well, for me. Not for my overdraft, or my sleep schedule.
EUGENE WOODS: So definitely a night person, then?
JACK HOLDEN: Yup!
EUGENE WOODS: I thought you were a bit more lively at the moment.
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, I always perk up around this time of… day? Night. Night.
EUGENE WOODS: Lord, if this is you on the ball, then – [JACK HOLDEN slaps EUGENE WOODS] Ow!
JACK HOLDEN: Time for some music.
Late-Night Radio[]
(Plays if the time is after 10:00 PM.)
EUGENE WOODS: Well hello there, all you night owls and moonlight dreamers. You’re here with us for the graveyard shift on Radio Abel.
JACK HOLDEN: That’s right. You better take your hand off that dial and lean back in your chair now, friends, because we’ll be taking good care you all night long.
EUGENE WOODS: I hear that, I hear that. We’ll have the best in smooth tunes and smoother talk from now until the sun comes up, so stay right here with Papa Eugene, and -
JACK HOLDEN: Texas Holden. [snorts]
EUGENE WOODS: Texas…
JACK HOLDEN: Texas Holden. [laughs]
EUGENE WOODS: [laughs] Oh God!
JACK HOLDEN: [laughs] Papa Eugene!
EUGENE WOODS: Don’t! [laughs] Don’t!
JACK HOLDEN: Oh… oh God…
Stars Above Abel[]
(Plays if the time is after 10:00 PM.)
JACK HOLDEN: Wow! The stars are bright tonight.
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah, they’re really clear, huh?
JACK HOLDEN: [laughs] That is one of the benefits of losing all the cities, I suppose.
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah, no light pollution. Listeners, if you’re able, uh -
JACK HOLDEN: Ba-boom.
EUGENE WOODS: [laughs] Indeed. By which I mean, if you have the ability to see the stars tonight, go and take a look. This is really beautiful.
JACK HOLDEN: Do you know what any of them are?
EUGENE WOODS: Oh. Yeah, for sure. My dad taught me. Uh, let’s see… uh, okay, there’s Callisto.
JACK HOLDEN: Where?
EUGENE WOODS: Look, just… no, over there to the left. You see that?
JACK HOLDEN: Uh - ? Oh, the Big Dipper.
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah, that’s her. Listeners, you’re looking for a big U shape in the sky with three others coming off it in a crooked line to the left.
JACK HOLDEN: And that’s Callisto?
EUGENE WOODS: Mmhmm.
JACK HOLDEN: She’s beautiful.
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah. Yeah, she is.
Imposters[]
(Plays if the time is after 10:00 PM and base morale is greater than 75%.)
[door opens, two people shush each other]
SAM YAO: No no no no no, it’s fine! Look, we’re in!
MAXINE MYERS: No, but shhh, what if we get caught? They’ll be back soon!
SAM YAO: Pffft, we’re not going to get caught. We are stealthy. Like… ninjas.
MAXINE MYERS: Yeah, like… drunk ninjas!
SAM YAO: [gasps] Are you drunk?
MAXINE MYERS: I am so drunk!
SAM YAO: Because like, you hadn’t mentioned that 10 or 11 times in the past hour, so I wasn’t sure.
MAXINE MYERS: Oh Sam, you are mean. I don’t know why I’m friends with you.
SAM YAO: Because you’re drunk. Now come on, come on, let’s do this.
MAXINE MYERS: Oh, I’m just going to sit here, just for a little minute.
SAM YAO: Okay. Hang on, wait, wait a minute. Oh! The mic’s still on.
MAXINE MYERS: Ah! Janine will not be happy about time wasting her batteries.
SAM YAO: Never mind about all that. Come on. [clears throat] Hello, Radio Abel listeners! [laughs]
MAXINE MYERS: [laughs] Hello, listeners, and welcome to Radio Abel!
SAM YAO: [laughs] What is that? Oh. [imitates EUGENE WOODS] I am Eugene Woods, and this is my partner -
MAXINE MYERS: What? Oh, yeah. [laughs] Uh, I am Jack Holden. Hello, listeners. We’re here tonight to talk to you about -
[door opens]
JACK HOLDEN: Oi! Get away from that mic, you!
[MAXINE MYERS laughs]
SAM YAO: [laughs] We have to go, listeners. Stay tuned - [laughs]
JACK HOLDEN: What are you even – come on! Shift!
SAM YAO: Stay safe out there!
MAXINE MYERS: I’m going to wet myself! [laughs]
33[]
(Plays if the time is after 10:00 PM and base morale is less than 30%.)
EUGENE WOODS: Okay, welcome back. Uh, I know it’s late. I know it’s dark, so I hope you’re safe, if you’re listening.
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, guys. We know it’s tough out there right now. Things – well, look, just… let’s try to hold it together, okay? … Gene? What is it?
EUGENE WOODS: Shh!
JACK HOLDEN: What? Again?
EUGENE WOODS: Shh, just - ! No, clear.
JACK HOLDEN: Oh God. Okay. Oh, it’s… I thought we were done with this. All this… all this jumping at shadows. I thought we left that behind on the road!
EUGENE WOODS: No, I don’t think that’ll be behind us for a long time.
JACK HOLDEN: No. No, I suppose not.
EUGENE WOODS: Okay, everyone. Listen uh, we’re here with you all night. We’re just not going anywhere, so you don’t leave us either! You just stay safe. Stay positive.
JACK HOLDEN: Stay safe.
Good News, Everyone![]
(Plays if base morale is greater than 50% and base defense is greater than 50%.)
PHIL CHEESEMAN: All right, Cablers! Welcome back. We’ve got a bit of a statistical treat for you, now.
ZOE CRICK: Way to sell it, Phil.
JACK HOLDEN: That’s right, Phil. You see, today we’re going to give you the results of our recent post-civilizational living survey.
EUGENE WOODS: You see, we polled residents of Abel and New Canton, asking them to rate various statements on a scale of one to five, with one being totally disagree, and five being agree completely.
ZOE CRICK: There’s nothing people like more than facts and figures, so let’s start our rundown. When asked to rate the statement “I feel safe,” 75% of respondents agreed strongly or completely.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Which is obviously a testament to the sterling work of our defense forces, and our phenomenal runners. I swear, every time I see that Runner Five bringing us back another huge pack full of supplies… [laughs] Oh! And uh -
ZOE CRICK: It’s a testament to everyone involved, exactly, Phil.
JACK HOLDEN: As is the next statistic. Now, when we asked people to respond to “I feel happy,” 82% of respondents from Abel and New Canton agreed!
ZOE CRICK: Hm. I mustn’t have sent in my ballot.
EUGENE WOODS: Aw, come on, Zoe. Our company’s not that bad.
ZOE CRICK: It’s not you I’m complaining about, Gene.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hey, you too, Zo.
EUGENE WOODS: Anyway, our most interesting response was this: over 66% of respondents strongly or completely agreed with the statement, “I feel optimistic about the future.”
JACK HOLDEN: We’re obviously doing a good job of cheering them up, guys.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, now that we’re all working together, it’s hardly surprising, is it?
ZOE CRICK: Oh, come on, Phil. You can’t believe that’s all down to us.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: No, I meant like, now that we’re all Abel and New Canton working together, planning for the future. You know.
JACK HOLDEN: Building a better tomorrow?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Exactly.
EUGENE WOODS: Well, whatever the reason, it seems the future’s looking bright. So what do you say to a song, Zo?
ZOE CRICK: You read my mind, Gene. Here’s one to the future.
Pretty Terrible[]
(Plays if base morale is less than 50% and base defense is less than 50%.)
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Okay, Cablers, welcome back. Now we’ve got a bit of a statistical newsflash for you.
ZOE CRICK: That’s one way of putting it.
JACK HOLDEN: That’s right, Phil. You see, today we’re going to give you the results of our recent post-civilizational living survey.
EUGENE WOODS: You see, we polled residents of Abel and New Canton, asking them to rate various statements on a scale of one to five, with one being totally disagree, and five being agree completely.
ZOE CRICK: Yeah, and there’s nothing people like more than facts and figures, so let’s start our rundown. Now, when asked to rate the statement “I feel safe,” only 25% of respondents agreed strongly or completely.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Which is to be expected, what with the uh, apocalypse and everything.
ZOE CRICK: Sure. Although our runners are out there everyday fighting hard to keep us safe, risking their lives, being heroes, it’s… it’s still pretty hard to feel like everything’s fine when the world’s covered with the undead. So… yes, as expected.
JACK HOLDEN: And um, so’s this next statistic. Yeah, uh, when we asked to respond to “I feel happy,” 10% of respondents from Abel and New Canton agreed.
ZOE CRICK: [laughs] Nice to see I’ve got my finger on the pulse.
EUGENE WOODS: Oh, come on, Zoe. Our company’s not that bad.
ZOE CRICK: [laughs] It’s not you I’m complaining about, Gene.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hey, you too, Zo.
EUGENE WOODS: Anyway, unfortunately, the picture doesn’t get much better. Less than 30% of respondents strongly or completely agree with the statement “I feel optimistic about the future.”
JACK HOLDEN: That’s not good. Look, I know it’s tough right now, guys, but things’ll change. Right?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, now that we’re all working together, it has to get better, doesn’t it?
ZOE CRICK: Oh, come on, Phil. You can’t believe we’re going to have that much of an affect.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: No, I meant like, now that we’re all Abel and New Canton working together, planning for the future. You know.
JACK HOLDEN: Building a better tomorrow?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Exactly.
EUGENE WOODS: Phil’s right, everyone. We’re having a hard time, and it can be difficult to feel that things will ever change, but we can’t give up. The only way this doesn’t get better is if we stop trying to make it better.
ZOE CRICK: Hear, hear, Eugene! And here’s a song to help cheer everyone up.
Not Great...[]
(Plays if base morale is less than 50% and base defense is greater than 50%.)
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Okay, Cablers, welcome back. Now, we’ve got a bit of a uh, statistical newsflash for you.
ZOE CRICK: That’s one way of putting it.
JACK HOLDEN: That’s right, Phil. You see, today we’re going to give you the results of our recent post-civilizational living survey.
EUGENE WOODS: You see, we polled residents of Abel and New Canton, asking them to rate various statements on a scale of one to five, with one being totally disagree, and five being agree completely.
ZOE CRICK: Yeah, and there’s nothing people like more than facts and figures, so let’s start our rundown. Some good news to start: when asked to rate the statement “I feel safe,” over 70% of respondents agreed strongly or completely.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Which is a testament to the hard work our defense forces are doing to protect us. Especially our runners.
ZOE CRICK: Absolutely! Those folks are putting their lives on the line for us day after day, and they’re doing a great job keeping us safe. Why, just the other day I saw Runner Five escape a pack of 10 zoms, all while carrying four spades and a can of fuel. Pretty inspirational stuff, as these responses show.
JACK HOLDEN: But um, well, this next statistic’s a bit of a different story, I’m afraid. Um, yeah. When asked to respond to “I feel happy,” only 10% of respondents from Abel and New Canton agreed.
ZOE CRICK: Nice to see I’ve got my finger on the pulse.
EUGENE WOODS: Oh, come on, Zoe. Our company’s not that bad.
ZOE CRICK: [laughs] It’s not you I’m complaining about, Gene.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hey, you too, Zo.
EUGENE WOODS: Anyway, unfortunately, the picture doesn’t get much better. Less than 30% of respondents strongly or completely agree with the statement “I feel optimistic about the future.”
JACK HOLDEN: That’s not good. I know it’s tough right now, guys, but things’ll change. Right?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, now that we’re all working together, it has to get better, doesn’t it?
ZOE CRICK: Oh, come on, Phil. You can’t believe we’re going to have that much of an affect.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: No, I meant like, now that we’re all Abel and New Canton working together, planning for the future. You know.
JACK HOLDEN: Building a better tomorrow?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Exactly.
EUGENE WOODS: Phil’s right, everyone. We’re having a hard time, and it can be difficult to feel like things will ever change, but we can’t give up. The only way this doesn’t get better is if we stop trying to make it better.
ZOE CRICK: Hear, hear, Eugene! And here’s a song to help cheer everyone up.
Could be better...[]
(Plays if base morale is greater than 50% and base defense is less than 50%.)
PHIL CHEESEMAN: All right, Cablers! Welcome back. We’ve got a bit of a statistical treat for you, now.
ZOE CRICK: Way to sell it, Phil.
JACK HOLDEN: That’s right, Phil. You see, today we’re going to give you the results of our recent post-civilizational living survey.
EUGENE WOODS: You see, we polled residents of Abel and New Canton, asking them to rate various statements on a scale of one to five, with one being totally disagree, and five being agree completely.
ZOE CRICK: There’s nothing people like more than facts and figures, so let’s start our rundown. We’ll go with the bad news first. When asked to rate the statement “I feel safe,” only 30% of respondents agreed strongly or completely.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Which is to be expected, what with the uh, apocalypse and everything.
ZOE CRICK: Sure. Although our runners are out there everyday fighting hard to keep us safe, risking their lives, being heroes, it’s… it’s still pretty hard to feel like everything’s fine when the world’s covered with the undead. So… yes, as expected.
JACK HOLDEN: Well luckily, this next statistic’s a different story. Now, when asked to respond to “I feel happy,” 82% of respondents from Abel and New Canton agreed!
ZOE CRICK: Hm. I mustn’t have sent in my ballot.
EUGENE WOODS: Aw, come on, Zoe. Our company’s not that bad.
ZOE CRICK: [laughs] It’s not you I’m complaining about, Gene.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hey, you too, Zo.
EUGENE WOODS: Anyway, our most interesting response was this: over 66% of respondents strongly or completely agreed with the statement, “I feel optimistic about the future.”
JACK HOLDEN: We’re obviously doing a good job of cheering them up, guys.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, now that we’re all working together, it’s hardly surprising, is it?
ZOE CRICK: Oh, come on, Phil. You can’t believe that’s all down to us.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: No, I meant like, now that we’re all Abel and New Canton working together, planning for the future. You know.
JACK HOLDEN: Building a better tomorrow?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Exactly.
EUGENE WOODS: Well, whatever the reason, it seems the future’s looking bright. So what do you say to a song, Zo?
ZOE CRICK: You read my mind, Gene. Here’s one to the future.
Christmas Day[]
(Plays on Christmas.)
JACK HOLDEN: Songs with Christmas in the title… go!
EUGENE WOODS: “I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas.”
JACK HOLDEN: “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas.”
EUGENE WOODS: “Do They Know It’s Christmas?”
JACK HOLDEN: “Last Christmas.”
EUGENE WOODS: Uh… “All I Want For Christmas Is You!”
JACK HOLDEN: “Lonely This Christmas.”
EUGENE WOODS: Oh no, hang on…
JACK HOLDEN: “I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day.” “Christmas Time (Don’t Let The Bells End.” “Wombling Merry Christmas.”
EUGENE WOODS: Now you’re making these up!
JACK HOLDEN: “Rocking Around the Christmas Tree.” “Mister Hanky, the Christmas Poo,” “Christmas Alphabet,” “The Gift of Christmas”…
EUGENE WOODS: Hang on.
JACK HOLDEN: What?
EUGENE WOODS: Show me.
JACK HOLDEN: No, show you what?
EUGENE WOODS: You’ve got them written on your hand! Did you just Rofflenet these? The only person you’re cheating, mister, is yourself.
JACK HOLDEN: “Father Christmas, Do Not Touch Me.” [snorts]
EUGENE WOODS: No, that’s not real.
JACK HOLDEN: It’s by The Goodies. [laughs] Shall we do presents live on air tomorrow?
EUGENE WOODS: Oh! Uh, yeah, awesome.
JACK HOLDEN: I love Christmas!
Presents[]
(Plays on Christmas.)
EUGENE WOODS: All right, all right.
JACK HOLDEN: Open it. Ladies and gentlemen and runners, it is Christmas Day, and we thought we’d open our presents live on air.
EUGENE WOODS: Well, you thought.
JACK HOLDEN: Have you not opened it yet?
[wrapping paper rustles]
EUGENE WOODS: Thanks, Jack!
JACK HOLDEN: It’s a Fawlty Towers DVD! I got him a Fawlty Towers DVD.
EUGENE WOODS: Thank you so much, Jack. Where’d you get it?
JACK HOLDEN: You see, when Eugene was sent to the UK, one of the sub-eds gave him a whole load of British comedy DVDs to watch on those lonely hotel nights, and his favorite was -
EUGENE WOODS: Fawlty Towers! Thanks, that’s really great.
JACK HOLDEN: So, what did you get me?
EUGENE WOODS: Uh, let’s not do this now, let’s do it during a track.
JACK HOLDEN: No, come on. On-air is more fun.
EUGENE WOODS: Right.
JACK HOLDEN: Ooh, it’s heavy. Quite heavy. Oh, I’m just going to do it. [wrapping paper rustles] It’s a brick. In a sock.
EUGENE WOODS: For the zombies, if they get close. You swing it!
JACK HOLDEN: A brick.
EUGENE WOODS: In a sock!
JACK HOLDEN: Thanks.
EUGENE WOODS: I’m sorry. I didn’t realize we were doing presents until yesterday. You know, with the apocalypse…
JACK HOLDEN: Just play a track.
Halloween[]
(Plays on Halloween.)
JACK HOLDEN: Now, obviously there are some children out there that know it’s Halloween tonight.
EUGENE WOODS: A holiday we keep celebrating.
JACK HOLDEN: Because it’s brilliant.
EUGENE WOODS:I just don’t know if that’s true anymore. Anyway, Major De Santa has requested that – and this should be obvious, but - nobody is to dress up as a zombie. Just to repeat that: nobody is to dress up as a zombie.
JACK HOLDEN: If you do dress up as a zombie, you may well be shot.
EUGENE WOODS: Which would probably put a damper on your trick-or-treating.
JACK HOLDEN: Stay safe, guys.
New Year's Day[]
(Plays on New Year's.)
JACK HOLDEN: So we’re not -
EUGENE WOODS: We’re just going to -
JACK HOLDEN: - play some tracks today, let you enjoy some quality tunes.
EUGENE WOODS: The problem with New Year’s Eve in the apocalypse is that everyone’s aware that it could be their last New Year’s Eve.
JACK HOLDEN: Play the track.
EUGENE WOODS: Ugh.
Dia De Los Muertos[]
(Plays on Dia De Los Muertos.)
EUGENE WOODS: So, I don’t think any of us were expecting this.
JACK HOLDEN: I didn’t even know it was a thing.
EUGENE WOODS: Today is the Mexican festival, the Day of the Dead, and the zoms are…
JACK HOLDEN: Well, they seem to have a slight heightened awareness.
EUGENE WOODS: No, no. This is a joke. Someone’s trying to wind us up!
JACK HOLDEN: Well, it’s true. Major De Santa told me personally. And when have you ever seen her joke?
EUGENE WOODS: Okay, fine. [paper rustles] So apparently, they’ve been seen opening doors, sitting, and… you read this out.
JACK HOLDEN: No, I’m not going to read it. You read it.
EUGENE WOODS: I’m going to sound like an idiot!
JACK HOLDEN: Look. Before, people who believed in zombie apocalypses are idiots, and now look. Who knows what the zombies can do, and what obscure Mexican festival they’re connected to?
EUGENE WOODS: It’s actually not that obscure. It’s a pretty big thing.
JACK HOLDEN: Was a pretty big thing.
EUGENE WOODS: Okay. [sighs] One of the zombies has been caught having a cup of tea.
JACK HOLDEN: With a -
EUGENE WOODS: With a saucer. So we’re not sure what the zoms are capable of today, so stay safe, guys.
[JACK HOLDEN snorts]
EUGENE WOODS: You made this up, didn’t you?
JACK HOLDEN: A little! Imagine – with a saucer. [laughs]
EUGENE WOODS: You said De Santa -
JACK HOLDEN: Right. This is me fishing – [imitates fishing pole sound] and here’s me reeling you in, hook, line, and sinker. [laughs]
EUGENE WOODS: Great. But of course, no one fishes anymore. Pike are the only animal that our zombie disease transferred to. Now there’s loads of zombie fish, all sorts.
JACK HOLDEN: Ugh! No way. Hang on, didn’t we have fish the other day?
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah, from a lake. Lakes are like, well… lakes are like some of those Caribbean islands for humans. No way for them to get infected.
JACK HOLDEN: Didn’t we wade through a river? Well, that’s… that’s creepy. Zombie fish? Ugh!
EUGENE WOODS: [laughs] I didn’t even have to try hard.
JACK HOLDEN: What? Oh! Oh, ha ha.
EUGENE WOODS: This next track’s for all our zombie fish listeners, or any zoms just sitting down to their afternoon tea.
Codex[]
Supplies[]
The following supplies can be found in Season 2 Radio Mode.
9mm Ammo
Axe
Baseball Bat
Bandages
Batteries
Book
Bottled Water
Box of Lightbulbs
Mobile Phone
Pain Meds
Power Cable
Radio
Shirt
Shorts
Sports Bra
Tinned Food
Tool Box
Trousers
Underwear
USB Key