Welcome to Radio Abel: the first post-apocalypse radio station! Hosts Jack Holden and Eugene Woods will entertain and inform you between missions, with the hottest playlist this side of civilisation.
Cast[]
- Sam Yao
- Jack Holden
- Eugene Woods
- Janine De Luca
- Maxine Myers
- Ed Harrison
- Jody Marsh
- Sara Smith
- Father Michael
- Maria
- Michelle
- Hannah
- Elizabeth
- Julie
- Drew
- Naomi Alderman
- Matt Wieteska
- Adrian Hon
Crew[]
- Writer: Matt Wieteska
- Director: Matt Wieteska
- Sound Designer: Mark Pittam
- Series Created By: Naomi Alderman
Transcript[]
Testing[]
SAM YAO: Hey Five! Uh, listen. Some guys at the base here are testing something. Uh, I have to listen to it, so I’m going to kick it through to you as well, while you’re out there. You just keep doing your thing, though. Run until you’re tired, and we’ll see how far the signal reaches. That cool? Cool.
[static]
EUGENE WOODS: Testing, testing, four, eight, fifteen, sixte-
JACK HOLDEN: Stop, stop, that does not sound good.
EUGENE WOODS: Thanks.
JACK HOLDEN: Shh, shh, shh, shh.
[sounds of switches being flipped, audio ringing]
JACK HOLDEN: Try that?
EUGENE WOODS: … Hello?
JACK HOLDEN: Cool, cool, right. That’s good.
EUGENE: Good. Nice work.
JACK HOLDEN: Thanks. Uh, shall we?
EUGENE WOODS: Oh! Yeah, uh, okay. Um. [clears throat] Welcome, listeners. If you’re out there. I’m Eugene and that other voice you are hearing is my partner, Jack.
JACK HOLDEN: Hello.
EUGENE WOODS: We’re uh, we’re here at Abel Township, and I guess, uh, well, I guess you’re listening to our first broadcast!
JACK HOLDEN: Welcome, welcome. Uh, it’s taken us a while to get all the equipment together, but here we are, and we’ll be broadcasting as often as we can on this frequency, pending our grisly demise.
EUGENE WOODS: It’s a constant threat.
JACK HOLDEN: Obviously.
EUGENE WOODS: Obviously. [both laugh] Uh, but until then, we’ll be playing you whatever music we can rustle up.
JACK WOODS: I’ve got a few thousand tracks here, as long as this solar charger keeps working.
EUGENE WOODS: Thank you, Steve Jobs.
JACK HOLDEN: Indeed.
EUGENE WOODS: So, we’ll be bringing you whatever music we can, along with important news and notices from Abel and the surrounding area.
JACK HOLDEN: Everything you need to know to make your life safer and marginally less miserable.
EUGENE WOODS: Wow. Soften the blow, why don’t you?
JACK HOLDEN: Shut up. No one’ll be listening yet anyway, except for Sam!
EUGENE WOODS: Hi, Sam! Hope we’re coming through loud and clear.
JACK HOLDEN: Hello to Sam Yao! Alright, good buddy, this track’s for you.
The Major Won't Be Happy[]
Note: This radio clip has been removed from the app.
EUGENE WOODS: And you know, the weird thing is it still itches, like, I don’t know.
JACK HOLDEN: Ah, so is that why you’re always clenching your fist?
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah. That, and the fact that I’m trying to restrain myself from hitting you most of the time.
JACK HOLDEN: [laughs] Now, just because civilization has fallen, doesn’t mean you can smack me around. I’ll call the Major on you.
EUGENE WOODS: Oh God, can you imagine? She’d take it so seriously!
JACK HOLDEN: [imitating the Major’s accent] Now, Mister Woods, I’ve had a very disturbing report about a case of what we once would have called “domestic abuse”. I’m certain I don’t need to remind you of my stance on law and order here at Abel.
EUGENE WOODS: [laughs] Stop it, that’s uncanny!
JACK HOLDEN: [continues to imitate the Major] I’ll have you tried in the court if I hear any more about it!
EUGENE WOODS: Oh God… it’d be like an after school special.
JACK HOLDEN: [imitating an American accent] This week on “Days of Our Zombies”, Eugene makes a terrible mistake!
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah, letting you follow me around since the outbreak.
JACK HOLDEN: You should have known better!
EUGENE WOODS: I’m a sucker, what can I say?
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, you fell for my “I have the only extant copy of Tom Waits’ discography” schtick.
EUGENE WOODS: Speaking of which… how about a song?
JACK HOLDEN: Ooh, now you’re talking sense!
Stay Away[]
EUGENE WOODS: Okay, welcome back. Now, we hope there aren’t too many of you out there planning to travel today.
JACK HOLDEN: It’s not the safest activity, nowadays.
EUGENE WOODS: At least, not the way we were doing it.
JACK HOLDEN: I told you, that wasn’t your fault.
EUGENE WOODS: [whispers] Never mind! Forget it. [out loud] Anyway, we hope you can stay indoors. But if you can’t, there are some areas you absolutely have to stay away from, according to what we’re hearing around here.
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, apparently there are high levels of activity around the following landmarks: now that’s Flacoe Field, the old Diamond campus, the grounds of the Madison School, and Sturge Plaza.
EUGENE WOODS: If you find yourself near any of those locations, keep quiet, seek shelter, and move quickly away as soon as you’re confident in your ability to do so safely. These are not safe places to be, people.
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, and that pretty much covers the whole east end of town, too.
EUGENE HOLDEN: Yeah. I think there are a lot of bedroom heroes on the campus. Thought that they could outlast the end of the world with a few gallons of bottled water and a Swiss army knife. Now, a few months later, they’re all pouring back out onto the streets, and that whole part of the city is a no-go.
JACK HOLDEN: See, it makes you kind of hate all of those survival horror films, doesn’t it? Giving everybody the idea they’ll be able to survive.
EUGENE WOODS: Stupid Romero…
JACK HOLDEN: Damn that guy!
EUGENE WOODS: But hey, it’s not all bad news. Supposedly, there are a few new green zones springing up, too. So get your maps out.
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, firstly, we want to say a big hello to the folks at Phoenix Comics. Now, they’ve been in touch on the radio to say they’ve cleared out and secured the entire north and west sides of Hemmins Town Square.
EUGENE WOODS: We’ve been told that they’ve got clean water - some of it hot - strong walls, and some serious firepower covering all approach roads.
JACK HOLDEN: Hanging out a great big “Do Not Disturb” sign there, aren’t they?
EUGENE WOODS: [laughs] I’d say. They did let us know that peaceful visitors, especially those looking to trade tinned food or medical supplies for hot showers or… other home comforts [both laugh] should make themselves known by wearing blue cloth on their heads as they approach.
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, just some good old country courtesy, there.
EUGENE WOODS: You’ve never worn the blue hat?
JACK HOLDEN: … uh, no.
EUGENE WOODS: Um, my auntie wouldn’t let us in the house without one. She’s very superstitious.
JACK HOLDEN: You are full of it.
EUGENE WOODS: Listen to the zombie berating the corpse!
JACK HOLDEN: Get lost, right, you lot. I’m going to play some music while I have a calm adult discussion with Eugene here about not being such a massive pillock. [EUGENE WOODS laughs] Stay safe, we’ll be back soon.
Update Your Maps[]
JACK HOLDEN: Right, uh, time for more updates.
EUGENE WOODS: Yup. Apparently, Shinegoku Tower is now completely green and clean, thanks to the impressive efficiency of the boys on the top floor.
JACK HOLDEN: Is that Corbis Consulting?
EUGENE WOODS: [laughs] Yeah. Yeah, we’ve been told they’ve got the tower on total lockdown. No one in or out, and they’re hanging some kind of homemade banners from the penthouse suite informing the curious to leave in no uncertain terms.
JACK HOLDEN: Friendly guys.
EUGENE WOODS: Real one percenters.
JACK HOLDEN: [laughs] Wow, that is an old one.
EUGENE WOODS: I like to keep it old school!
JACK HOLDEN: For sure, for sure.
EUGENE WOODS: I keep it real.
JACK HOLDEN: [laughs] Are you sure your leg was the only thing you damaged in that fall?
EUGENE WOODS: Ooh, ouch, low blow.
JACK HOLDEN: Quite literally.
EUGENE WOODS: Bam.
JACK HOLDEN: Head shot!
EUGENE WOODS: We’re never going to do better than that. May as well stop trying. Let’s just play some music.
JACK HOLDEN: Done. Right. We’ll be back with you later, guys.
EUGENE WOODS: Stay safe.
More Music, More Chat[]
JACK HOLDEN: You’re listening to Radio Abel. We’re here for you. [both stifle laughter] Coming up next: more music, more chat! Stay with us.
Pretentious[]
JACK HOLDEN: Did you know I had my first kiss to that song?
EUGENE WOODS: Ugh, really? That is so…
JACK HOLDEN: Cheesy?
EUGENE WOODS: Pretentious.
JACK HOLDEN: Well, up yours! [EUGENE WOODS laughs] You don’t want to know what I did to this one. [EUGENE WOODS continues laughing]
Technical Difficulties?[]
EUGENE WOODS: Alright, everybody, we’re back.
JACK HOLDEN: Just barely.
EUGENE WOODS: [sighs] You’re being melodramatic!
JACK HOLDEN: Oh, if that’s what you want to call it!
EUGENE WOODS: Well, alright! It’s not the greatest of situations, but let’s not get carried away! Sorry. Maybe we should explain. This morning -
JACK HOLDEN: This morning, we had a little message from our resident dictator!
EUGENE WOODS: Easy, now!
JACK HOLDEN: No, sorry! I don’t care how little fuel we have - !
EUGENE WOODS: Stop it!
JACK HOLDEN: No, I’m ser- [audio cuts off]
Radio Abel is Off Air[]
EUGENE WOODS: Sorry about that. Slight… technical problem, there. As we were saying, we had a message this morning.
JACK HOLDEN: A lovely wake-up call.
EUGENE WOODS: Alright! Anyway, it wasn’t the best of news. So, to fill you in, we’re running our transmitter on a gas generator.
JACK HOLDEN: Like most other things.
EUGENE WOODS: Like most other things here at Abel, right. Which is part of the problem. Basically, as you might imagine, fuel is short. So, there’s a question of -
JACK HOLDEN: Priorities.
EUGENE WOODS: Yes, priorities. As the Major informed us, until the situation at Abel is more stable, our transmissions are -
JACK HOLDEN: - are an unnecessary drain on resources!
EUGENE WOODS: Unfortunately so. Which means we might be off air for a while. Until there’s a more steady supply of fuel to the camp. Rest assured, as soon as we can, we’ll be right back here with you.
JACK HOLDEN: God.
EUGENE WOODS: What?
JACK HOLDEN: I just, I… I just don’t know how you can be so calm. This is ridiculous -
EUGENE WOODS: We’ll talk about it later!
JACK HOLDEN: What?
EUGENE WOODS: Let’s just… let’s just talk about it later.
JACK HOLDEN: … [sighs] Fine.
EUGENE WOODS: … alright. Thanks. … So listeners, as you can hear, we’re in a tough spot, here. We’re going to do our best to work it out. We’re going to be back with you as soon as we can.
JACK HOLDEN: If anyone out there has a few spare tanks of petrol, that’d really help.
EUGENE WOODS: It’d certainly speed things up. For now, we’ll leave you with a song. Until we’re back, look after each other, and stay safe.
JACK HOLDEN: Stay safe, everyone.
Getting Some Air[]
(Unlocks after completing Season 1 Mission 4: A Lost Child)
JACK HOLDEN: [imitates a trumpet fanfare] [both laugh] And we’re back! This is Jack Holden here, with my main man, the Merry to my Pippin, my rock - Eugene Woods.
EUGENE WOODS: Well, we’re very chipper today, aren’t we?
JACK HOLDEN: Oh, what can I say? Things are looking up. Back to work, fresh supply of fuel, what more could a guy want?
EUGENE WOODS: A window in the tiny shack he spends twenty hours a day in?
JACK HOLDEN: Well, yeah, there’s that.
EUGENE WOODS: A hot shower.
JACK HOLDEN: Of course, but -
EUGENE WOODS: Even a can of deodorant at this point.
JACK HOLDEN: Whoa, whoa, alright, I get it. We’re a bit ripe.
EUGENE WOODS: Yes, but it is good to be back.
JACK HOLDEN: Damn straight. I am in a good mood.
EUGENE WOODS: Well, why don’t we welcome everyone back with something from your collection?
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, sounds good to me. This one here goes out to all our wonderful runners. Stay safe out there, guys.
Public Service Content[]
EUGENE WOODS: Alright! Nice to be back everyone, and that was a great song.
JACK HOLDEN: Definitely. It’s an old favorite of mine.
EUGENE WOODS: With good reason! Okay, uh, shall we fill in the guys on what’s happening?
JACK HOLDEN: With pleasure! So, when last you heard our dulcet tones, we’d been asked to refrain from broadcasting until fuel for our generator was more plentiful. A request to which we were happy to acquiesce.
EUGENE WOODS: I thought it was “bleeping censorship”?
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, yeah, very good. Anyway, we’ve had an influx of supplies lately, as well as a, uh, very productive discussion with our dear Major. Two things which have combined to put us back on the air!
EUGENE WOODS: As you can hear.
JACK HOLDEN: Indeed. And after our discussion with the Major, um, it’s given us a whole bunch of ideas about what we can do with the station from here.
EUGENE WOODS: Yes. She had plenty of input, didn’t she?
JACK HOLDEN: Very bright woman, very creative!
EUGENE WOODS: Glad you agree. So, in the coming days, we’re going to be trying to bring you more, uh, how did she put it?
JACK HOLDEN: “Public Service Content”.
EUGENE HOLDEN: Right, and less, um…
JACK HOLDEN: Innuendo-ridden gossip?
EUGENE WOODS: No. Dead air. [both laugh] That’s right, we’re going to try to up our game, give you guys the best we can.
JACK HOLDEN: Earn our keep.
EUGENE WOODS: Exactly. We’re talking about more solid information about the state of play, more useful tips and tricks, even some ideas about how we can help coordinate the distribution of vital supplies.
JACK HOLDEN: Basically, guys, we’re hanging up the drive time jokes, and bringing out the solid, hard-hitting journalism you’d expect from two such consummate professionals as ourselves.
EUGENE WOODS: Wow, uh… yeah. That, uh. In short, we’re back, and we’re going to be better than ever.
JACK HOLDEN: But the one thing we won’t be changing is our unbroken record of playing great songs for you all, and here’s the next.
EUGENE WOODS: We’ll catch you all soon. Stay safe.
Misting Up[]
JACK HOLDEN: Listeners, I hope you enjoyed that as much as we did.
EUGENE WOODS: Speak for yourself.
JACK HOLDEN: Oh, don’t give me that, grouchy! I can see you misting up in the corner there!
EUGENE WOODS: I had something in my eye!
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, sure you did, buddy, sure.
EUGENE WOODS: Oh, just get on with it!
JACK HOLDEN: Alright, here we go.
Happening Tune[]
EUGENE WOODS: You’re listening to Radio Abel. If it’s happening, we’ll tell you about it.
JACK HOLDEN: Nice. Uh, speaking of which, here’s a really “happening” tune for all our loyal fans. Stay safe, guys.
Stay Safe[]
EUGENE WOODS: Sunset is expected around 7:45 pm, so that gives you about an hour to get inside. Uh, remember, if you don’t have anywhere, if you can’t get inside, you’ll need to find yourself a bottleneck and hole up until sunrise. Look for a place with only one or two angles of approach, and keep them covered. Just keep quiet, and make sure not to let yourself get surrounded, and good luck.
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, we’ll be right here waiting for you on the other side.
EUGENE WOODS: Do we have anything to play just now?
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, I’ve got a track all queued up.
EUGENE WOODS: Great. Well, then, let’s uh… Here’s a song for everyone out there.
Reminders of Home[]
EUGENE WOODS: [whispers] I don’t know if I like her…
JACK HOLDEN: [whispers] Shh shh shh! [out loud] And, uh, we’re back! We hope you enjoyed that.
EUGENE WOODS: [laughs] Yes! Well, it’s one of my favorites, and it’s great to hear it again. You, uh… you don’t really appreciate these things until they’re scarce, do you?
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, no, of course.
EUGENE WOODS: I mean, there are so many things from before that I never gave a thought to, like shower gel, or honey, or sushi! But now they seem much more important.
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah. A link to the past.
EUGENE WOODS: A link home. Exactly! And that’s, you know, that’s what we’re here for, if we can be. As well as all the informational stuff. A reminder, of -
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, and speaking of that, we’ve got some reminders and notices coming up in just a second, but I’ve really got to play you something special I found before we get there. I think you’re going to like this.
Small-Caliber[]
[papers rustling]
EUGENE WOODS: Okay, so it’s time for some important notices for everyone here at Abel Township.
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, and the rest of you out there in the big wide world, feel free to tune out for a bit. Maybe go plant a corpse or two, yeah?
EUGENE WOODS: We’ll be right here when you get back.
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, yeah. We basically live here, so…
EUGENE WOODS: He snores like you wouldn’t believe.
JACK HOLDEN: [laughs] Yeah, get on with it!
EUGENE WOODS: Okay. Well, our dear leader here would like you all to know the following. [papers rustling] Thanks to an influx of supplies -
JACK HOLDEN: And a new runner, apparently.
EUGENE WOODS: Thanks to an influx of supplies, we will now be increasing our each resident’s daily ration by 25%. Distribution times remain unchanged. Also, any resident carrying a firearm should be sure to get it checked at least once a week, along with its ammunition. [laughs] Yeah, we’ve had a few unfortunate misfires, recently. No one’s been hurt! But, well -
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, better safe than sorry.
EUGENE WOODS: Exactly! If you don’t look after your tools, they can’t look after you. So weapon checks are carried out every day around noon at the armory. Residents are also reminded that it is advisable for all children under the age of fourteen to carry small caliber semi-automatics only.
JACK HOLDEN: I dunno, do you remember that kid in Surrey?
EUGENE WOODS: The one with the shotgun? [laughs] Yeah, but that’s a story for another time. Right now, we’re going to take a break, stretch my leg, but we’ll be back with you at dusk. Stay safe out there.
JACK HOLDEN: Stay safe.
Flashing The Quad[]
EUGENE WOODS: Great stuff, there, Jack!
JACK HOLDEN: Why, thanks, Eugene. You’re not doing too bad, yourself.
EUGENE WOODS: Thanks. [laughs] Alright! This is a quick shout-out to anyone who was in the quad this morning: I’m sorry for flashing you. I had an unfortunate trouser-related malfunction, and well, um… I’m sorry.
JACK HOLDEN: [tries to hold back laughter] You flashed in the quad? You didn’t tell me about that!
EUGENE WOODS: Because I knew you’d find it funny!
JACK HOLDEN: [completely fails to hold back laughter] What happened?
EUGENE WOODS: Well, I was trying to readjust my crutch - my crutch! - while I was out walking, and well, I-I hadn’t done my belt up properly, and I guess I… Yeah, my… my pants fell down. [both laugh] Oh, sure, thanks! You’re so supportive! Anyway, listeners, I’m sorry if you saw that. If not, let’s forget I mentioned it. Here’s a song.
Tips From The Road[]
EUGENE WOODS: Okay! Welcome back, and good day to you all! Hopefully we have the same number of listeners as yesterday.
JACK HOLDEN: Or more.
EUGENE WOODS: Or more. Basically, we’re just hoping everyone made it through the night safely.
JACK HOLDEN: Well, that’s actually what I want to talk about, uh, just now.
EUGENE WOODS: Oh yeah?
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, yeah, I was thinking we could, uh, we could share a few tips, uh, from our tales on the road. You know, spread the wisdom?
EUGENE WOODS: Well, won’t that be a bit, you know…
JACK HOLDEN: What?
EUGENE WOODS: The phrase “teach your grandma to suck eggs” comes to mind.
JACK HOLDEN: I’m… I’m not even sure what that means.
EUGENE WOODS: Seriously. Uh, it means to teach someone something they already know how to do very well.
JACK HOLDEN: Oh. Well, you don’t think… Well, I mean, I just thought it’d be interesting, and uh, and useful…
EUGENE WOODS: Well, yeah, I guess. But, you know. It’s been quite a while, now. Anyone who’s listening out there is already pretty good at staying alive.
JACK HOLDEN: Okay, yeah, I mean. Alright, it’s a fair point. But, well. I just thought it’d be a good way of us telling some stories from the road, you know?
EUGENE WOODS: Uh, uh, sure. If you want. Just, listeners, don’t expect any of this to be, like, mind-blowing, you know?
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, thanks, buddy. Really selling it.
EUGENE WOODS: My pleasure. Hey, now how about a song before we get started? It’ll give me some time to think about so I can join in.
JACK HOLDEN: Oh, oh, so now you want to join in?
EUGENE WOODS: Just play something, dummy.
Quiet Is Key[]
JACK HOLDEN: A little something there to whet your appetite, uh, before we have some first-rate survival tips from your favorite post-civilization radio hosts.
EUGENE WOODS: Nice. So, uh, what’s on the agenda?
JACK HOLDEN: Well, obviously, as my esteemed partner noted, if you’re listening to us, you’re still alive, so you probably have your own method pretty well sorted.
EUGENE WOODS: Either that, or you’re the luckiest person left.
JACK HOLDEN: Or that. Anyway, um, we figured it wouldn’t be very interesting to go over the usual “shelter at night, it’s only safe if it’s stopped moving, first a cough, uh, then a groan” bollocks.
EUGENE WOODS: Incredibly useful bollocks!
JACK HOLDEN: Incredibly useful bollocks, yes, but bollocks with which we are already familiar.
EUGENE WOODS: [laughs] Easy there, tiger!
JACK HOLDEN: Oh, oh, grow up! [laughs] Right, uh, so none of the basics. We wanted to talk about some stuff you might not have thought of. Some unorthodox tricks we’ve seen, and some of the characters we met on the road to Abel.
EUGENE WOODS: Shall I begin?
JACK HOLDEN: Uh, go ahead!
EUGENE WOODS: Okay. Well, one thing I wanted to talk about was weaponry.
JACK HOLDEN: Sure thing. Now, it’s pretty important, nowadays.
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah. Now, everyone’s probably figured out the really important stuff you want from a weapon.
JACK HOLDEN: Effectiveness.
EUGENE WOODS: Durability.
JACK HOLDEN: Ease of use.
EUGENE WOODS: Exactly! Put simply. it should hit hard, never break, and be easy to swing.
JACK HOLDEN: Aw. Like W.G. here.
EUGENE WOODS: Yes, exactly like W.G. For those of you unable to see through your radios, W.G. is Jack’s cricket bat.
JACK HOLDEN: A faithful companion since day one.
EUGENE WOODS: It has held up rather well.
JACK HOLDEN: Good old W.G.
EUGENE WOODS: And like W.G. here, there are some other attributes we think are vital in the perfect weapon. Jack?
JACK HOLDEN: Oh, uh, well, firstly, uh, you want to think about its weight. Now, you’ll be carrying this thing around with you, so it’s probably best to go for something lightweight, uh, like a cricket bat.
EUGENE WOODS: Of course.
JACK HOLDEN: Rather than something heavy, like a chainsaw or a sledgehammer.
EUGENE WOODS: You might think it’s worth the weight for the extra hitting power, but trust us, [both laugh] after a week on the road, you’ll wish you’d left it behind.
JACK HOLDEN: Now, the second thing you want to consider is maintenance.
EUGENE WOODS: How easy is your weapon to repair and clean?
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, exactly. Now, uh, a couple of days lugging around a rake, covered in little bits of, uh, viscera you just can’t get out, and you’ll be wishing you had something that was stainless steal.
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah, God, like Zach’s -
JACK HOLDEN: Oh God, that fork! Oh God, that was rough.
EUGENE WOODS: So Zach was this guy we traveled with for a while. He had this thing that, uh, it was like a garden trident. Uh, what do you call it?
JACK HOLDEN: What, tri - ? [laughs] A garden fork!
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah, alright, that’ll do! Anyway, it was really difficult for him to clean, and by the end of the second week with him, the thing just stank.
JACK HOLDEN: Ugh. Bits of um, bits of brain on the pointy bits. Ugh, it just wasn’t nice.
EUGENE WOODS: No. And of course, one day he trips, scratches his leg, and -
JACK HOLDEN: And that’s all she wrote.
EUGENE WOODS: Keep them clean, guys. Be safe.
JACK HOLDEN: Oh, and the last thing we want to talk about with your weapons is acoustics.
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah, alright, okay, yes. Everyone knows that guns are terrible weapons for travelers.
JACK HOLDEN: One shot calls the horde.
EUGENE WOODS: Exactly. But we’re talking about something else, guns aside.
JACK HOLDEN: Well, take, for example, the humble frying pan.
EUGENE WOODS: Lightweight, easy to clean, heavy-hitting, easy to swing. You’d think it’d be the perfect companion!
JACK HOLDEN: Absolutely! But -
EUGENE WOODS: But, and it’s a big but -
JACK HOLDEN: [snorts] Careful now.
EUGENE WOODS: [laughs] Grow up! The problem with the frying pan is, every time you take a swing, you get this huge -
JACK HOLDEN: This resonant, this gonging noise -
EUGENE WOODS: Zombie-attracting… far from ideal.
JACK HOLDEN: Well, exactly! Absolutely.
EUGENE WOODS: Quiet is the key.
JACK HOLDEN: In a weapon, at least. Now, for this next song, however, you’ll want to crank it up as loud as is safe.
EUGENE WOODS: We’ll be back with you soon.
In a Post-Civilisation World[]
EUGENE WOODS: Okay, you’re listening to Radio Abel. Keeping you informed in a post-civilization world. We’re always here. You should be, too.
Terrible B.O[]
EUGENE WOODS: Huh…
JACK HOLDEN: Big fan?
EUGENE WOODS: Not really.
JACK HOLDEN: Huh. Well, what are you sighing for, then?
EUGENE WOODS: Uh, reminds me of an ex.
JACK HOLDEN: Oh. Great, thanks for that.
EUGENE WOODS: Oh, come on, it was in the past.
JACK HOLDEN: Never a truer word.
EUGENE WOODS: Terrible B.O. anyway.
JACK HOLDEN: Speaking of things you never thought you’d hear today, here’s another.
Not Anymore[]
JACK HOLDEN: That’s, um… [laughs] That’s not as good as I remember it being.
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah, it hasn’t aged well, has it?
JACK HOLDEN: Oh well. Can’t all be Mozart.
EUGENE WOODS: [laughs] Thankfully.
JACK HOLDEN: Ooh, ooh, not a fan?
EUGENE WOODS: I was always more of a Miles Davis kind of guy.
JACK HOLDEN: Ah, bit of “Spanish Key” next time, then?
EUGENE WOODS: Now, don’t make promises you can’t keep!
JACK HOLDEN: Alright, well, we’ll see. Anyway, we’ve got some more stuff to talk about now, which we’ll introduce with a bit of a story from the road.
EUGENE WOODS: Right, so, back in the early days, when we were moving around -
JACK HOLDEN: - on our way north.
EUGENE WOODS: Right, trying to get away from the Big Smoke, we’d been traveling for a bit with these three guys from the city -
JACK HOLDEN: - hedgies, right?
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah. Impressively prepared, though.
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, you’d have expected them to be real prima donnas, but they weren’t.
EUGENE WOODS: One guy -
JACK HOLDEN: - Shawn -
EUGENE WOODS: - Shawn, had this incredible bug-out bag full of supplies, useful gear. Said he’d had it packed for months.
JACK HOLDEN: Right, and these guys were total machines. Just steel!
EUGENE WOODS: So we’re traveling with these guys, trekking up through the country, and they’re just unflinching. Like, really solid, tough guys. No sob stories about kids, or family left behind, no complaining about sleeping on the ground, they just got on with it.
JACK HOLDEN: Better than us, mostly. Until this one night.
EUGENE WOODS: Right. One night, we’re holed up in this abandoned motorway services.
JACK HOLDEN: It was raining.
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah, so it’s raining outside, really pissing it down, and we’re all camping out in this bookstore, with the shutters down.
JACK HOLDEN: It was pretty nice.
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah, it wasn’t bad. We got a fire going.
JACK HOLDEN: Old copies of Heat magazine.
EUGENE WOODS: Boom!
JACK HOLDEN: Ha, thanks!
EUGENE WOODS: We had a pretty nice setup.
JACK HOLDEN: Until -
EUGENE WOODS: - until we hear this sort of groaning, choking noise behind us.
JACK HOLDEN: And I immediately grab my bat.
EUGENE WOODS: He’s been carrying the same cricket bat since day one.
JACK HOLDEN: Good old W.G. Anyway, I think there must have been some back room or something we haven’t checked.
EUGENE WOODS: Right, so he whips around with his bat raised, ready to just like, go to town on whatever comes out of the back room.
JACK HOLDEN: I am such a boss!
EUGENE WOODS: You’re my hero!
JACK HOLDEN: I try!
EUGENE WOODS: So there he is, in full action mode, when Shawn comes stumbling out of the back room, throwing his guts up, his eyes streaming with tears!
JACK HOLDEN: Just puking like you have never seen!
EUGENE WOODS: And none of us know what to do! Like, this rock-hard guy down on his knees like a little kid, throwing up, and crying all down the front of his shirt.
JACK HOLDEN: Really gross!
EUGENE WOODS: And I stick my head around the corner to the back room, [both laugh] and I look around the door, and there’s just this huge scattered pile of marshmallow packets!
JACK HOLDEN: [laughs] Dozens of the things!
EUGENE WOODS: And sure enough, when we go to help him, he’s just vomming up all these little chunks of bright pink and white!
JACK HOLDEN: And he looks up at us, and he says, “I used to love these things!”
EUGENE WOODS: And Jack, he just rests on his bat, cool as a cucumber, and says -
JACK HOLDEN: “Not anymore!” [laughs]
EUGENE WOODS: Amazing. [laughs]
[both catch their breath from laughing so hard]
JACK HOLDEN: Thank you! Uh, we’ll be right back.
Balanced Diet[]
EUGENE WOODS: And welcome back. The point of that story, the reason we bring it up, is we want to talk to you about food safety.
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, yeah. Now, it’s hard, we know, when you’re on the road, and you’ve not eaten properly in days, not to just wolf down anything half decent that comes your way.
EUGENE WOODS: But you really have to be careful. Surwi - “Surwival”? Survival’s not just about staying alive, it’s about staying healthy, staying well.
JACK HOLDEN: Well, because let’s face it, all other things aside, it’s really hard to run away from zoms when you’re gushing out of both ends!
EUGENE WOODS: Oh yuck, that is disgusting!
JACK HOLDEN: It’s true!
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah, yeah, but well, a bit more… decorum next time, perhaps?
JACK HOLDEN: [laughs] Oh, decorum, alright.
EUGENE WOODS: [laughs] Anyway, what we’re trying to say is think about what you’re putting into your body. Check expiry dates. We know there’s not much out there that’s still fresh, but you really don’t want to be eating tinned meat that’s six months old.
JACK HOLDEN: I dunno. Does that stuff ever go off? Was it even ever fresh to begin with?
EUGENE WOODS: There’s plenty of stuff you can forage or catch if you’re in a rural area.
JACK HOLDEN: In fact, we’re planning on putting together a forager’s cookbook broadcast, soon.
EUGENE WOODS: But if you’re stuck for options, at least try to use your common sense. Fresh-caught pigeon might get pretty dull after a while, but it’s better than being laid up with food poisoning when your camp’s being overrun.
JACK HOLDEN: Same goes for water. Be sensible, make sure to sanitize it as best you can. Water-borne illnesses could be crippling back when we had proper medical provision, but nowadays -
EUGENE WOODS: - let’s just say, being caught off guard by a pack of zoms isn’t the only way to go.
JACK HOLDEN: Exactly. Now, finally, beyond being safe, where at all possible, you really need to be balancing your diet. Now, get as much green in you as you can, safely.
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah. Try to remember, you need to take in carbs, proteins, vitamins, minerals, water, and fats.
JACK HOLDEN: We’re not asking you to count up your RDA or anything, just, you know, keep it in mind.
EUGENE WOODS: A healthy body is your best asset, remember that.
JACK HOLDEN: Alright, alright, enough of us blathering on, uh, have a listen to this instead. Stay safe!
Touch It And See[]
JACK HOLDEN: And that song was for our gracious host, Janine! One of the best electricians I’ve ever had the good fortune of being electrocuted by.
EUGENE WOODS: Oh yeah! That looked super painful.
JACK HOLDEN: It was! As she pointed out, mostly my own fault. Apparently, uh, “touch it and see it” is not an approved method for checking if something is live.
EUGENE WOODS: Sometimes, I’m amazed you’re still walking around.
JACK HOLDEN: What can I say, I’m a lucky man.
EUGENE WOODS: If by “lucky”, you mean “utterly stupid”, then I agree.
JACK HOLDEN: You’re a real charmer.
EUGENE WOODS: Indeed, I am. And anyway, Janine, thanks for saving him from his own stupidity. Here’s another one we know you’ll like. Hope you’re listening.
Zee-Bay[]
JACK HOLDEN: Ready?
EUGENE WOODS: Yep, go!
JACK HOLDEN: Okay, and we’re back!
EUGENE WOODS: Welcome back, listeners. I think we’re up to about half a dozen of you, now.
JACK HOLDEN: Which is exciting!
EUGENE WOODS: Very exciting! Anyway, as you might not know, we started broadcasting here because we wanted to find a way for us to help everyone out.
JACK HOLDEN: Uh, to provide a service.
EUGENE WOODS: Exactly, to provide a service without having to, well, leave this chair.
JACK HOLDEN: Which is difficult.
EUGENE WOODS: Which is difficult, exactly. So we wanted to help everyone out, which is why we’re always trying to give you up-to-date information about what’s going on out there, and so on.
JACK HOLDEN: As well as spinging - “spinging”? - some banging tunes!
EUGENE WOODS: Oh, car crash! Just don’t! [laughs] Anyway, in that spirit, we’re starting a little community notice board section. About once a week, we’ll be reading out various ads that people from Abel have sent us.
JACK HOLDEN: Or from elsewhere.
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah. We’ll be reading out your ads and notices, trying to help you all find what you need, set up a little ad hoc trading system where we can.
JACK HOLDEN: I like to think of it as Z-Bay.
EUGENE WOODS: Ugh, that is terrible.
JACK HOLDEN: [laughs] You see what I did there? Because it’s zombies? Z-Bay? You know -
EUGENE WOODS: [shudders] Just play some music!
JACK HOLDEN: Humbug!
Clean, Dry Feet[]
EUGENE WOODS: Right. We’re back, and we’ve got the first of our notices for you. Jack?
JACK HOLDEN: Uh, yeah, um… This one comes courtesy of Doctor Maxine Myers here at Abel. The good doctor would like it to be known that she’s been sitting on a year’s supply of clean socks she acquired during the crisis. Um, she’d like it to be known that she will be offering these rare and wonderful things as a reward for anyone who’s willing to help out down at the hospital tent.
EUGENE WOODS: She’s given us a little price list here, and we’ll just uh, run through that quickly, so listen up.
JACK HOLDEN: Okay, so, uh, “basic grunt work” - that’s lifting, carrying, cleaning - one pair for every four hours worked. “Maintaining the hospital” - one pair every three hours. Uh, and if you have any kind of first aid training, Doctor Myers is offering one pair for every hour of help you give her. She’s especially keen for any volunteers who can clean and suture wounds, and [laughs] these are her own words, not mine - “more competently than a three-year-old”.
EUGENE WOODS: Wow, you just can’t get the staff, these days, huh?
JACK HOLDEN: Mm, guess not.
EUGENE WOODS: Anyway, those are all pretty good deals, I think. So, if you can help Doc Myers out, get yourself down to the hospital tent, and rediscover the joy of clean, dry feet.
JACK HOLDEN: Who knows, you might even save someone’s life.
EUGENE WOODS: That too, uh… here’s some music.
Pretty Addictive[]
EUGENE WOODS: Fantastic song! Who was that, Jack?
JACK HOLDEN: Uh… oh, I have to check the screen…
EUGENE WOODS: Oh, never mind, we’ve got another notice to read out.
JACK HOLDEN: Oh, uh, yeah, why yes we do! Uh, this one… who’s this one from?
EUGENE WOODS: Alice and Amber.
JACK HOLDEN: Oh, they’re helping look after the kids here at Abel.
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah. They’d like me to forward this urgent plea: “If anyone out there has a copy of Harry Potter books three to seven, we will pay any price for them. We’ve started reading the series to the kids, and have now finished book two. They will not let us hear the end of it. Please help us.”
JACK HOLDEN: Wow, I’ve heard actual distress calls that were less emotive.
EUGENE WOODS: But those books are pretty addictive. And we certainly could do with a little help from Dumbledore right now.
JACK HOLDEN: Amen to that, yep. We’ll be back in a mo with details on how to contact us.
Drop Us A Line[]
JACK HOLDEN: Okay, well, that was pretty good for our first Z-Bay, right?
EUGENE WOODS: Please stop calling it that.
JACK HOLDEN: No! Now, if you’d like us to read your request out to our listeners -
EUGENE WOODS: - literally billions of listeners.
JACK HOLDEN: [laughs] Yeah, then all you’ve got to do is come over here to Abel and speak to us.
EUGENE WOODS: He’s kidding. We’ve got a couple of methods set up just now. Firstly, if you know anyone fast enough, or crazy enough, you can send a good old-fashioned letter through the runner network. Just address it to Eugene and Jack, Abel Township.
JACK HOLDEN: Although we can’t guarantee we’ll still be alive by the time it gets here.
EUGENE WOODS: [laughs] Ha, yeah. Uh, for runners, it does take them an awfully long time to make it here, doesn’t it?
JACK HOLDEN: Another way you can get in touch with us is with your good old ham radio. Now, we’ll be tuned in on 5250 kHz every day, from noon, for two hours. So just jump into the channel and let us know what you need.
EUGENE WOODS: And finally, if you’re one of the tech elite currently ensuring that even the apocalypse can’t stop the signal, you can e-mail us. You’ll find our address on Narwhal Station’s bulletin board.
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, and we are connected to Narwhal.
EUGENE WOODS: And if you’re out there right now, wondering what the hell we’re on about, we’ll be filling you in on the network resurrection sometime soon, so don’t worry.
JACK HOLDEN: But for now, we’re going to sign off, and go hunting for Harry Potter books!
EUGENE WOODS: Can’t leave those kids hanging.
JACK HOLDEN: Stay safe out there, and we’ll be back at you soon.
Network Recovery Effort[]
EUGENE WOODS: Right, welcome back to Radio Abel.
JACK HOLDEN: I thought we were going to be WNYZ?
EUGENE WOODS: I wonder why I keep you around sometimes?
JACK HOLDEN: Isn’t it obvious?
EUGENE WOODS: Anyway, last night, after we got off air, we spent a little while chatting with our friends over at Narwhal Station.
JACK HOLDEN: Which we’ll be explaining in just a second.
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah. We’ve been coordinating for a couple of days, working on a big new service we’ll be rolling out later in the show.
JACK HOLDEN: And hello to Alex, Liv, and Richard!
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah, hello guys! Thanks for listening, and for all your hard work over there. As I was saying, we were all chatting last night, and Alex wanted me to clarify something.
JACK HOLDEN: You got us in trouble, didn’t you?
EUGENE WOODS: No, no, not at all! It’s just that Alex took a little exception to my use of the term “network resurrection” last night.
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, I did wonder at the use of the “R word”.
EUGENE WOODS: Anyway, he corrected me, and apparently, the preferred nomenclature is “network recovery effort”. So now we know.
JACK HOLDEN: And knowing is half the battle.
EUGENE WOODS: Exactly, right. Uh, Jack’s going to serenade you for a second, and then we’ll be back to explain how we’re helping out with said network recovery effort. Enjoy.
ROFFLENET[]
EUGENE WOODS: And we’re back!
JACK HOLDEN: Welcome back, everybody! So, today we’re talking about a bunch of super talented guys and gals who are out there working on the network recovery effort. Care to explain, Eugene?
EUGENE WOODS: Absolutely! So, in very basic terms, what the recovery effort’s all about is trying to restore peoples’ ability to communicate and access information over long distances.
JACK HOLDEN: The internet.
EUGENE WOODS: Exactly.
JACK HOLDEN: Well, correct me if I’m wrong here, Gene, but doesn’t the internet need phone lines and routing stations, and stuff that was all wrecked during the outbreak?
EUGENE WOODS: You’re dead right, Jack! And that’s what the recovery effort’s focusing on - relatively low-tech solutions. It’s really all about getting everyone connected together using stuff you can probably scavenge within a mile of your bunk. They’re calling this the “Radio-Operated Free-Form Link-Layer Emergency Network”.
JACK HOLDEN: The, um… “Rofflenet”. [laughs] That’s geeky.
EUGENE WOODS: It’s an affectionate homage. Get back on track!
JACK HOLDEN: Alright, sorry. That sounds fantastic, Eugene! Do you mean I’m going to be able to get back on YouTube soon? I do miss my cat videos!
EUGENE WOODS: Alas, no, because the recovery effort’s aim is to get everyone connected. The technology they’re advocating is very simple, and therefore, much slower than the internet we got used to before the outbreak. But you will be able to send and receive e-mails, as well as browsing important text-based sites like Wikipedia and the Survivor’s Bible.
JACK HOLDEN: That does sound useful, but how do I get connected?
EUGENE WOODS: Well, Eugene, we’ll be hosting a regular series on Radio Abel -
JACK HOLDEN: - WNYZ -
EUGENE WOODS: We’ll be hosting a regular series on our alternate frequency - 5250 kHz - every day at this time. We’ll be taking you from building your first cantenna, right through to chatting with Narwhal Station.
JACK HOLDEN: [puts on an accent] Gee, that sounds fantastic! I can’t wait to get started!
EUGENE WOODS: Well, Jack, you won’t have to wait long. We’ll be broadcasting the first part of our instructional series this time tomorrow.
JACK HOLDEN: [maintains fake accent] Boy oh boy, Mister!
EUGENE WOODS: Too far! That's just gone a bit creepy!
JACK HOLDEN: I’m sowwy!
EUGENE WOODS: Oh, stop. Music, now. Don’t look at me!
JACK HOLDEN: We’ll be back later. Stay safe, guys.
Totally Moronic[]
JACK HOLDEN: Here’s an interesting thought for you guys - what would happen if a zombie bit another zombie?
EUGENE WOODS: That’s not interesting, it’s moronic!
JACK HOLDEN: Gee, thanks! Just trying to provoke a bit of uh, bit of debate, there.
EUGENE WOODS: Stick to what you’re good at. How about a song?
JACK HOLDEN: Fine! Hope you enjoy this one, listeners.
Cool Story[]
JACK HOLDEN: - yeah, I couldn’t sit down for days.
EUGENE WOODS: That’s your pro tip for today, then, listeners! Check for nettles before you make camp. Hydrocortizone’s hard to come by, these days.
JACK HOLDEN: And dock leaves. Now that is just an old wives' tale.
EUGENE WOODS: Plus they leave gross green stains everywhere.
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, that, too. [laughs]
EUGENE WOODS: You never did throw away that sleeping bag.
JACK HOLDEN: Alright, TMI! Did I ever tell you about that time I saw a nettle-eating contest?
EUGENE WOODS: Nope.
JACK HOLDEN: Oh, yeah, this was um, a couple of years, uh, I guess maybe four before the outbreak, at this pub in… Dorset. Yeah.
EUGENE WOODS: Right, uh, what happened?
JACK HOLDEN: Well, um, everyone in the pub sort of, well uh, a bunch of people just wanted to see who can eat the most nettles in an hour.
EUGENE WOODS: Right…
JACK HOLDEN: And it, well it hurts their mouths and hands…
EUGENE WOODS: … yeah.
JACK HOLDEN: … well, that’s sort of it. Uh, I’ll just, uh, play a song, then.
EUGENE WOODS: That’s probably for the best.
The Well Has Run Dry[]
JACK HOLDEN: Alright, uh… what were we supposed to be talking about?
EUGENE WOODS: Don’t look at me. I just live here.
JACK HOLDEN: Um… tips? Yeah, tips.
EUGENE WOODS: No, we did that already.
JACK HOLDEN: Oh… Rofflenet?
EUGENE WOODS: Nope, done it.
JACK HOLDEN: Well, we haven’t finished the instructions -
EUGENE WOODS: We do that on the other frequency.
JACK HOLDEN: Well, what about news and updates from the outside world? Zombie sightings, new safe zones, all that good stuff.
EUGENE WOODS: Nothing today.
JACK HOLDEN: … wow.
EUGENE WOODS: Yep.
JACK HOLDEN: Has it finally happened?
EUGENE WOODS: I think so.
JACK HOLDEN: Listeners, um, I’m sorry to tell you this, this is devastating news, uh, but I think we’ve finally run out of stuff to blather on about!
EUGENE WOODS: The well has finally run dry.
JACK HOLDEN: Um… just give us a few minutes to think, guys. Listen to this.
Call For Equipment[]
JACK HOLDEN: It’s us again!
EUGENE WOODS: Aren’t you glad to hear that, listeners? Any thoughts in the break, Jack?
JACK HOLDEN: You know what? Yes. Yes, I did have some thoughts in the break, Eugene.
EUGENE WOODS: Any useful thoughts in the break, Jack?
JACK HOLDEN: Ah. No.
EUGENE WOODS: [laughs] You’re lucky I’m here, then.
JACK HOLDEN: Oh, you’ve got something?
EUGENE WOODS: I do. Listeners, you won’t know this, but we’ve been… how would you describe this stuff, Jack?
JACK HOLDEN: Oh. Uh, “hoarding”?
EUGENE WOODS: “Collecting”, right. We’ve been collecting various bits of equipment since we arrived here at Abel.
JACK HOLDEN: Most of it junk that I keep telling you to throw out.
EUGENE WOODS: Oh, hush! It could be useful! [JACK HOLDEN laughs] Most of what we collect gets used to keep Abel’s electrics and other systems up and running. But we do get to keep some of it for ourselves.
JACK HOLDEN: Joy.
EUGENE WOODS: Now, in amongst all this stuff, we’ve got almost everything we need to really up our game here. We’ve got a MiniDisc deck, a sound desk, a fairly decent compressor…
JACK HOLDEN: Not bad!
EUGENE WOODS: Not bad, right? But also not functional. Unfortunately, while we’ve got all the big, flashy bits -
JACK HOLDEN: Ooh!
EUGENE WOODS: Oh, grow up! [laughs] While we’ve got all the big flashy bits, we’re missing all the small essential things like cable, connectors, discs and tapes, and so on.
JACK HOLDEN: Which makes all this stuff, as I often point out, about as useful as a chocolate chainsaw.
EUGENE WOODS: Well, it does, for now. But maybe we can get some help from our listeners on that front.
JACK HOLDEN: Ooh, Z-Bay?
EUGENE WOODS: [laughs] If you must. Yes, listeners, we’d like to put out an advert of our own. If any of you out there have any spare cables, jacks, or any of the other stuff I mentioned just now, we’d be extremely grateful if it could find its way to us.
JACK HOLDEN: See, that way, we can pimp out our systems, and bring you all more innovative, entertaining, and informative programming!
EUGENE WOODS: What he said. We’ve got a few ideas up our sleeves, and there are some folk here at Abel who are keen to help us with them. But we can’t get any of it done without those parts.
JACK HOLDEN: So listeners, if you will, spare a thought for us when you’re next scavenging in the ruins of an electrical store. In return, we’ll keep you informed and keep you entertained!
EUGENE WOODS: Mm. Amen!
JACK HOLDEN: [laughs] Starting with this song! Stay safe out there, guys.
EUGENE WOODS: Stay safe.
Eugene's Choice[]
EUGENE WOODS: Alright, uh… that was interesting.
JACK HOLDEN: You being sarcastic?
EUGENE WOODS: Not that much.
JACK HOLDEN: Well, why don’t you choose the next one?
EUGENE WOODS: Uh, alright!
JACK HOLDEN: [whispered] No… no, you’ve gotta… click it, no, look…
EUGENE WOODS: What?
JACK HOLDEN: Just there… just…
EUGENE WOODS: Like this?
JACK HOLDEN: For god’s sake, just let me!
EUGENE WOODS: Play that one!
JACK HOLDEN: … seriously?
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah!
JACK HOLDEN: [laughs] Fine! But if we get complaints, I’m blaming you. Listeners, this is all his fault.
Singalong[]
EUGENE WOODS: Oh man! That is the stuff, there.
JACK HOLDEN: It’s actually really great, yeah!
EUGENE WOODS: Did you hear that bit in the middle?
JACK HOLDEN: Ah, the sort of, uh, ah, they did the crescendo-y bit.
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah, that like -
[EUGENE WOODS starts imitating rock instrumentals, JACK HOLDEN joins in, both continue for a while and then dissolve into laughter]
JACK HOLDEN: Uh. [laughs] Yeah, sorry about that, guys. [laughs] Um…
EUGENE WOODS: We’ll chalk that one up to, uh, cabin fever, I think.
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, yeah, we should probably leave at some point today.
EUGENE WOODS: Alright! Uh, you guys, uh, listen to this, while he helps me get outside.
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, we’re going to remind ourselves what the sun looks like.
Fever Dreams[]
Note: This radio clip has been removed from the app.
EUGENE WOODS: Hey, that was great, eh? That was, uh… who was that, Jack?
JACK HOLDEN: What?
EUGENE WOODS: Who was that?
JACK HOLDEN: Oh, uh, um… I’m not… um…
EUGENE WOODS: Jack?
JACK HOLDEN: What? Sorry.
EUGENE WOODS: Are you okay?
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, I’m fine.
EUGENE WOODS: Are you sure? You seem a little distracted today.
JACK HOLDEN: No, no, I’m fine!
EUGENE WOODS: Okay, well, let’s… let’s try and keep it together, yeah?
JACK HOLDEN: Sure.
EUGENE WOODS: Great! Well, then, listeners, sorry about that -
JACK HOLDEN: I tell you, I had some strange dreams last night.
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah?
JACK HOLDEN: Real doozies, like… like fever dreams, almost. Something about… something about a snake? I think.
EUGENE WOODS: Is that all you wanted to say? Or are you going to share with the class?
JACK HOLDEN: Um… that’s it, I think. I… I don’t remember. Sorry.
EUGENE WOODS: Okay, listeners. I’m going to play us all something, and go see if a bit of fresh air won’t clear Jack’s head. We’ll be right back with you. [away from microphone] What the hell are you doing?
Paging Dr Freud[]
Note: This radio clip has been removed from the app.
EUGENE WOODS: Okay. How you feeling, Jack?
JACK HOLDEN: Oh, yeah. Yeah, fine…
EUGENE WOODS: Good to hear it! So, listeners, we wanted to fill you in on how our search for equipment’s been going. Jack?
JACK HOLDEN: Uh, yeah, so, we’ve managed to get hold of… sorry.
EUGENE WOODS: Wow.
JACK HOLDEN: It’s just, there was this… In my dream, I was-I was working in a hospital, like a field hospital or something. We were at war, I think.
EUGENE WOODS: Okay…
JACK HOLDEN: And this guy came in, all shell-shocked, just staring into the distance, like, like he was candy-hopping or…
EUGENE WOODS: … right…
JACK HOLDEN: And he said that my sister had been ingested by the cheetah.
EUGENE WOODS: Well, of course.
JACK HOLDEN: And I remember thinking to myself, “God, no! No, she can’t go up in there, she’s too young to survive in the cheetah.” But before I could freak out, one of the doctors reminded me that I knew how to work the dream door that would allow me to resc-
[a knock on the door]
EUGENE WOODS: [under his breath] Oh, thank God…
[another knock on the door]
EUGENE WOODS: Come right on in! Listeners, we’ll be right back. I hope this song repairs some of the damage Jack’s inflicted on your psyches.
Full Upgrade[]
Note: This radio clip has been removed from the app.
EUGENE WOODS: Oh, well, well, well. That was unexpected, listeners!
JACK HOLDEN: I’ll say. And I also want to apologize for being so distracted for the last few minutes.
EUGENE WOODS: Not sleeping too well, eh?
JACK HOLDEN: No, not so well. I think it’s finally catching up on me.
EUGENE WOODS: Understandably. Anyway, you want to share our news?
JACK HOLDEN: I’d be delighted to! Listeners, we just had a lovely visit from our friend, Sam Yao. Now, you might remember us saying we could really do with certain items to help us upgrade our operation, here. Uh, they’ve been coming in in dribs and drabs over the past few days, but the wonderful Mister Yao just delivered the final thing we need!
EUGENE WOODS: Da-da-da-da! And that means, thanks to Sam and all the wonderful runners here at Abel, we’ll shortly be able to bring you all kinds of wonderful new programming.
JACK HOLDEN: That’s right! Uh, we’ve got a whole bunch of ideas, including something that Eugene here’s [EUGENE WOODS laughs] been pestering me about for days, and we’re really excited about bringing them to you!
EUGENE WOODS: Very excited! So, listeners, we’re going to sign off for a little while in order to get all this lovely new gear installed, and then we’ll be right back with some brand new programming!
JACK HOLDEN: [laughs] Stay safe, guys!
EUGENE WOODS: [laughs] Stay safe!
Robot Radio Abel[]
JACK HOLDEN: Listeners. Dear, dear listeners. Welcome back to Radio Abel on this momentous day.
EUGENE WOODS: Yes, welcome back. Now, as we told you last time we spoke, we’ve recently received the final piece of equipment we need to upgrade our capabilities around here.
JACK HOLDEN: That’s right! We’re now able - “Abel”? Get it? [snorts]
EUGENE WOODS: [laughs] It wasn’t even funny the first time, let alone the last twenty!
JACK HOLDEN: Well, don’t give me that! I see you in the -
EUGENE WOODS: Shush! Alright, alright. Listeners, we’ve recently acquired several new capabilities. We can record -
JACK HOLDEN: - both in the studio, and in the field!
EUGENE WOODS: - edit, and play back recordings from a variety of media -
JACK HOLDEN: - cassette, CD, MiniDisc, DAT, thumb drive, vinyl -
EUGENE WOODS: - and most importantly, schedule recordings to play in advance!
JACK HOLDEN: See, now that one is the cleverest. I love that one. It means we get to sleep properly. In a bed.
EUGENE WOODS: And to show off that last capability, we’re going to take a break, and leave you with some scheduled programming we’ve made around Abel.
JACK HOLDEN: Radio Abel’s growing up, listeners. Take a look around you, so you’ll be able to tell your grandkids where you were. Now, here’s a song, and then Robot Radio Abel will be back with you. We’ll catch you soon.
EUGENE WOODS: Stay safe, listeners.
Priorities[]
JACK HOLDEN: You’re listening to Radio Abel, and this is the first in our new series, “Expert Advice”, where we bring you top survival tips from our experts here at Abel. Uh, today, we’ve got our good friend Janine talking about home safety. Stay safe, listeners!
JANINE DE LUCA: … Ah.
Hello Radio Abel audience. I’m recording these messages to inform you more properly about home safety, should you be lucky enough to be in possession of a home. Before we continue, I would like to thank my gracious hosts, Jack and Eugene. I find their broadcasts both uplifting and entertaining, whenever I find the time to listen to them.
When talking about home safety, I like to begin by discussing what should be our priorities in establishing a place to live and in improving that place. The first of these priorities will be the topic of today’s message [paper rustles] - security!
[whispers] Yes -
JACK HOLDEN: [muffled whisper from the background] Don’t forget to take breaks for music!
JANINE DE LUCA: [whispers] Yes, thank you, Jack. [clears throat] [out loud] I’m going to take a short pause here, so that Jack can play you some music. After that, we’ll begin by discussing security! Stay safe, listeners!
Useful Starting Location[]
JANINE DE LUCA: Welcome back, listeners. Now, I’m going to talk about security. Security should be your first priority when choosing or improving a home. If zombies can come and go as they choose, murdering you and your fellows, every other consideration is irrelevant.
So what should we look for when considering the security of a potential home? [clears throat] Firstly, consider the structure of the building. Are the walls thick? Is it well-built? Is it free of existing damage? If those answers are all “yes”, then we may be on to something.
Secondly, look at the layout of the building. We’re looking for a place with few entrances, few ground floor windows, and lots of defensible vantage points. If it looks like you could hold it for a day and a night of constant attack, it’s probably safe enough.
Thirdly, look at the location of the building. Is it isolated? Does it have a clear view of all approaches? Are those routes of approach more difficult than other nearby thoroughfares? Again, if you can answer “yes” to all three of these questions, then you have found yourself a useful starting location.
After this music break, we’ll talk about improvements. Stay safe out there!
Think Big[]
JANINE DE LUCA: Now, what about improvements? I’m going to give you my Top Five Wishlist for security improvements to your home!
Number one: reinforced windows. It’s not enough to just nail wood over your ground floor windows. I want to see well-anchored metal bars, reinforced meshes, or the use of concrete to fill in your window frames.
Number two: reinforced doors. Zombies don’t give up, so your doors can’t either. If you get the chance, install some metal plating into your doors at the very least. Solid bars for reinforcement are preferable. Remember, you want something that braces at both sides of the frame, and you want your bracing to run across three or four points of your door, not just the middle!
Number three: cameras. If you’re lucky enough to have electricity, and you’re handy with the equipment, CCTV is a godsend. Our cameras and scanners here at Abel have saved our lives more times than I can count. Remember, you’re not looking for high definition, just broad coverage. Use anything that’ll send a picture.
Number four: airlocks. Now, this is an advanced improvement, but if you can create a secure, separate buffer zone between your entrance and the inside of your home, you will increase your security tenfold. This way, you can make sure a small breach doesn’t turn into a full-scale catastrophe. Also, it’ll allow you to keep everyone’s muddy boots out of your clean hallway.
Number five: sustainability. If you’re happy that you’ve created a safe and stable home for you and your fellows, the next step is to ensure you can stay there for as long as possible. After all, if you’re inside, you’re safe. We’ll cover this in a later recording in more detail, but you should definitely be considering your ability to grow your own food, and source your own water. Remember, the ideal home is one you never need to leave.
Okay, that’s it for today. Stay safe!
Thursday![]
JACK HOLDEN: Alright, and we’re back, with All Requests… uh, what day of the week is it?
EUGENE WOODS: … God, I… I have no idea. Thursday? It feels like a Thursday.
JACK HOLDEN: Really? I’d have said more of a Saturday.
EUGENE WOODS: Nah, Saturday’s more… exciting!
JACK HOLDEN: You’re right, you’re right. Okay, let’s try that.
EUGENE WOODS: Sure.
JACK HOLDEN: And welcome back! To All Requests Thursday. Playing your requests -
EUGENE WOODS: - if we can find them -
JACK HOLDEN: - playing your requests and dedications all day!
EUGENE WOODS: Or until we get bored.
JACK HOLDEN: Up next, we have a bit of something special for Stephanie Miller, our resident music expert. Apparently, it’s one of her favorites.
EUGENE WOODS: Rock on, Stephanie!
JACK HOLDEN: Indeed!
Indulgences[]
JACK HOLDEN: [imitates EUGENE WOODS] Well, welcome back, listeners! I… This is Eugene -
EUGENE WOODS: [imitates JACK HOLDEN] - and this is Jack! Hello, everyone! Do you like my banging tunes? [JACK HOLDEN stifles laughter in the background] Yeah, yeah…
JACK HOLDEN: [imitates EUGENE] Jack! Jack, my leg hurts again! [laughs]
EUGENE WOODS: [imitates JACK] Quit your whining, you… stupid Canadian! I’m in charge around here!
JACK HOLDEN: [own voice, in the background] I do not sound like that! [laughs]
EUGENE WOODS: [imitates JACK] I’m in charge around here, mister. You rely on me for everything!
JACK HOLDEN: [imitates EUGENE] Okay, we’re going to put on another track! [both laugh]
EUGENE WOODS: [own voice, whispers] That’s ridiculous, you sound ridiculous. That’s the worst idea you’ve ever had. Worst. [out loud] Sorry, sorry about that, it was a bit indulgent. Um… yeah, uh…
JACK HOLDEN: Um, okay, uh, shall we, uh…
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah, let’s um, yeah. You got a song lined up?
JACK HOLDEN: Yup!
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah, great, okay. Um.
JACK HOLDEN: It’s by a Canadian. [both laugh] Another one.
EUGENE WOODS: Yes, well, we’re not sure that that’s absolutely true. Anyways -
JACK HOLDEN: I'm not gonna use that one.
EUGENE WOODS: - uh yes, Jack’s going to put on a song, and um, yes, we’re going to, yeah, we’re going to go get some air or something. Stay safe.
JACK HOLDEN: Stay safe, listeners.
Money Where Your Mouth Is[]
JACK HOLDEN: - that is total crap!
EUGENE WOODS: And we’re back, listeners. Hope you enjoyed that.
JACK HOLDEN: Hello, listeners. I was just telling Eugene how utterly idiotic he is.
EUGENE WOODS: Just because you disagree doesn’t mean I’m wrong!
JACK HOLDEN: Of course it does! There is absolutely no way on earth that Runner Four is faster than Runner Five!
EUGENE WOODS: I’m telling you, Jody can really move! You should have seen her the other day on that decoy run.
JACK HOLDEN: I don’t care if she’s Usain bleeding Bolt. Any time, any place, my money’s on Runner Five.
EUGENE WOODS: Hmm. You know, I bet we could just ask them to race.
JACK HOLDEN: [laughs] Yeah, I’m sure the Major would love that.
EUGENE WOODS: No, I’m serious, just uh… okay, listeners! We’re going to play you another song, while we put our heads together.
Abel Minds[]
EUGENE WOODS: Hello, listeners! We’re about ready to kick off with a new feature. You want to fill them in, Jack?
JACK HOLDEN: Uh, sure thing! Okay, guys, so, as you know, we’ve recently gained the ability to go and record outside our little studio. So, we thought it’d be fun to get out into Abel and talk to the good folk we live with, and get their opinions on all sorts of interesting questions.
EUGENE WOODS: That’s right, so here we go. For the next… amount of time, [laughs] you’re listening to Radio Abel’s “Abel Minds”!
JACK HOLDEN: Enjoy!
What Are You Thankful For?[]
JACK HOLDEN: Welcome to “Abel Minds”, the segment in which we ask various residents of Abel Township a few questions about their experiences of life, post-civilization. Uh, we’ve edited these together by theme, and we’ll play them with little bits of music in between. We hope you enjoy them!
MAXINE MYERS: What am I thankful for? … to be able to help. Say what you like about Abel, but we look after our people. We may not always have the supplies we need, and the hospital’s still not in great shape, but no one suffers here unduly. Being able to say that is a blessing.
SAM YAO: Marmite! … nah, I’m kidding. … No, I’m not. Really, marmite. Oh God, it’s tasty.
ED HARRISON: I’m surprised you even need to ask. Molly, of course. My daughter! I never thought we’d find a place where she could grow up normally. I mean, obviously, it’s not totally normal, but there’s a school and some other children, and we’re safe. My daughter gets to have a childhood here.
JODY MARSH: Oh, I… I dunno. It’s kind of cheesy, but I’m really thankful for everyone else here. We all look after each other.
SAM YAO: Seriously? … Janine. She’s kind of spiky at first, but wow, you know, the way she talks about the future - she’s so focused on improving and rebuilding. Other people talk about it like a fairy tale, but for her, no, it’s real.
SARA SMITH: The walls of that farmhouse, no doubt. Only other places I’ve seen that safe are military bases. Yup, those things’ll outlast the lot of us, you mark my words.
JODY MARSH: It’s like, for the first time since the outbreak, I feel like I’m a part of a community again. This place, it… it feels like home. That’s what I’m thankful for.
What's Your Weapon?[]
JACK HOLDEN: We’re back with “Abel Minds”, asking people here at Abel - what’s your weapon?
JODY MARSH: Aww, it sounds nerdy! No, really. Well, um, I don’t get much use from it anymore, but I used to carry my bow with me everywhere. Really! A bow. It was super hard to find arrows, but I tell you, if you know how to use it, there’s nothing like the silent efficiency of a well-strung bow.
SAM YAO: Well… well, at the moment, my weapon is my voice. Aha! Aw, that’s so smooth. [puts on an accent] “My voice is my weapon!” [own voice] You know what I mean. Before, though, I used to have this ax. Yeah… yeah, it broke a little while ago. I still miss it.
SARA SMITH: Give me a loaded pistol any day of the week. Of course, it’s better if you don’t have to use it, but everything doesn’t always go to plan, now does it?
JANINE DE LUCA: What would I need with a weapon, Mister Holden? I have all of you fine people to protect me! But, well, in a pinch, I daresay I can swing a crowbar as well as the next woman.
JACK HOLDEN: And of course, you all know mine. Good old W.G. Never was a bat more true!
Hopes For The Future[]
EUGENE WOODS: Next on “Abel Minds”, we ask everybody about their hopes for the future.
JANINE DE LUCA: The future? I hope that, whatever form civilization takes, it doesn’t forget the lessons we’ve learned. If there’s any good to be taken from this dark, terrible period, I hope they can find it. I hope our suffering isn’t in vain.
ED HARRISON: I’d like to take Molly back to London, if I can. Once it’s safe, once it’s a city again. I’d like her to see it, to walk across Waterloo bridge. Yeah, that’d be nice!
MAXINE MYERS: I hope to get back to America. It’d be nice to get home one last time.
JODY MARSH: I want to spend an entire weekend knitting. Just sitting in front of a fire, with the radio on, knitting. But only if you guys are still on the air, of course.
MAXINE MYERS: A real pipe dream? Well, we all have people we’d do anything to see again, don’t we? Well, that must be everyone’s secret hope - in this life or the next, to see our loved ones again – but, well, I just hope I can make it home, at least.
To The Doctor![]
JACK HOLDEN: Pretty good, pretty good!
EUGENE WOODS: Not bad, not bad.
JACK HOLDEN: So, Gene, uh, you were just telling us all about how you ended up in England before the outbreak.
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah, so, as I said, I… sorry, uh… ugh, I’d been commissioned to write a piece about the rise of pop-u-… po-… pop-up restaurants in London. Sorry. [clears throat] Just a second.
JACK HOLDEN: You okay?
EUGENE WOODS: [coughs] Yeah, yeah, I’m fine, just a bit…
JACK HOLDEN: Take a breath there, it’s alright.
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah, I’m fine! So, my editor sent me over here for this piece, wanted me to write… write it up for the weekend magazine. I was only supposed to be staying for a week, but what… sorry [vomits]
JACK HOLDEN: Oh! Hey hey hey, it’s okay, love. Go on and get it out.
EUGENE WOODS: Oh, sorry, sorry, God [vomits]
JACK HOLDEN: It’s alright, shh shh shh, don’t worry about it, come on.
EUGENE WOODS: Oh God, sorry.
JACK HOLDEN: Come on, let’s get to the doctor. Come on.
EUGENE WOODS: No, no, you stay on air! Stay on!
JACK HOLDEN: That’s what the recordings are for. Come on, no arguments, just… there.
Water, Food, Fuel[]
JANINE DE LUCA: Hello Abel Radio listeners. In our last discussion, we covered what factors you should take into consideration when choosing a place to live, and what improvements can usefully be made in order to make that place more secure.
Today, I’d like to talk about an important aim for any post-civilization dwelling: full self-sufficiency. Once you’ve established for yourselves a safe and secure place to live, your next priority should be to work towards making your home self-sufficient. This means that you should be able to produce, without needing to leave your home, the following resources: water, food, and fuel. You should aim to complete these three improvements in the order I have just listed. Accomplishing these are long-term goals, but they will, once successfully implemented, vastly improve your quality of life, and the long-term survivability of your group.
I’m going to break away for a moment, to give Jack and Eugene a chance to play you something, and then we’ll begin by discussing water supplies.
Find It, Filter It, Boil It[]
JANINE DE LUCA: Excellent! Now, there are three different water sources that we’ll be discussing today: precipitation, ground water, and surface water. For all three sources, we’ll also need to treat our water to ensure that it doesn’t contain any pathogens which may lead to us becoming ill. Before the outbreak, our water was treated well before it ever arrived in our homes or places of work, but now, along with the loss of adequate phone lines and cable television, we must learn to cope with the loss of our water treatment network.
Luckily, there is a very simple method for treating water ourselves. The first step, which we will cover in a moment, is to locate a source of water.
The second step is to filter our water if it is cloudy or contains any amount of mud, dirt, or other residue. To do so, pour the water into a new, clean container through a filter made from a clean cotton t-shirt or, if you are lucky enough to possess any, a coffee filter.
Once the water is filtered, step three is to bring the water to a rolling boil for one minute before allowing it to cool for storage. If you’re unable to boil water at your location, don’t panic. There is another method which, though slower, is almost as safe as boiling. For this method, you will require clear plastic bottles such as those used to store fizzy drinks. Pour your water into these bottles, seal them, and then place them in direct sunlight for six hours.
There you have it! Clean, safe drinking water. Just remember the three steps: find it, filter it, boil it.
We’ll be right back. Stay safe out there, listeners!
Committed to Your Entertainment[]
JACK HOLDEN: Okay, alright, uh, sorry about that, everyone! Eugene just had um, a little digestive emergency that required some medical attention. He’s-he’s-he’s fine! Well, I’m sure he’s fine, he’s in the hospital, so… I’m sure he’s fine! I mean, um, he wouldn’t let me stay to make sure, so I dunno, but well… yeah, I’m sure he’s fine… totally. Anyway, um…
I hope you enjoyed that little sojourn with our dear friend, Janine. Hadn’t intended on playing that to you for a little while, so… Oh well, needs must, I suppose.
So, um, while Eugene’s away, I guess I’ll be flying solo. [imitates EUGENE WOODS] “I’ll be listening,” he said. “If I hear any dead air, so help me…” [own voice] Well, you know what he’s like. Committed to your entertainment! You know, I never thought of him as a “show must go on” sort of guy, but well, you live and you learn, don’t you? So, rest assured, my man, I’m keeping the fire burning in your absence. Feel better soon, Eugene. This one’s for you.
Brain Freeze[]
JACK HOLDEN: Okay, and we’re back! Uh, well, I’m back. Hello! If you’re just tuning in, I’m kind of on my own right now. Eugene’s been taken ill, so it’s just me while he recovers. If he recovers. Until he recovers! He’ll be fine! Until that happy day when we’re reunited, I’m afraid you’re stuck with me, dear listeners. Lucky you!
Yeah, this place seems massive with just me in it, you know. For someone missing an entire limb, Eugene takes up a lot of space! [imitates EUGENE WOODS] “You’re not exactly Kate Moss yourself, Jack!” [laughs] [own voice] First sign of madness, eh. Well, I suppose I’m not exactly talking to myself, am I? I guess it can’t be much fun listening to me moping on about it.
Right then, here then, here’s one: why don’t zombies eat snowmen? Why don’t zombies eat snowmen? Why don’t zombies eat snowmen? Why? Because they’ll get brain freeze! [verbal finger guns] That’s how you tell them! Classic!
Alright, listeners, you go recover from that humor assault with some music, and I’ll be back with you after. Stay safe out there.
Tim Vine Jokes[]
JACK HOLDEN: Welcome back, listeners.
Zombies, eh? What’s all that about, anyway? Brains. Brains. What is it with zombies and brains? They’re crazy for them! It’s like, I’m human. I like a nice balanced diet. I’ve got my veggies, I’ve got my red meat, white meat, my fruit, my grains, my little seed things, chocolate, fish, bread. There’s a whole world of food I’m interested in. Then, I get bitten one time, and bam! Brains. It’s all I want! Brains, brains, brains. I tell you, if I were them, I’d be looking for something a little less high-maintenance.
Brains. Why brains, eh? It’s not like you can even fry them up with some fava beans and a nice Chianti anymore. Brains, man. Zombies and brains. The only thing I know that loves anything more than zombies love brains is my mother, reminding me how disappointed she is that she won’t have any grandchildren. … That one’s a bit close to the truth, actually. Just kidding, I’ve got a great relationship with my mother! Only thing is, she’s always biting my head off! Or trying to.
It’s just not the same without a live studio audience, is it? It’s much harder on your own, you know? Tell you what, here’s some music. I’m going to try and remember some old Tim Vine jokes.
A Mess Without You[]
JACK HOLDEN: Hello again, listeners. You know, I’ve just thought… I don’t actually know whether or not you’re out there. For all I know, I could just be speaking into the void. Man, that’s a lonely thought.
I guess we should have some interaction on the show, really. We had Z-Bay, but that sort of died a death after that first round of requests. Never did find those Harry Potter books. It took ages for requests to come in via courier. It’s not like we ever get anyone on the radio, except the odd QSL. Oh, that’s the, um - QSL, that’s the radio operator’s equivalent of a Facebook poke. Not that you’d know what one sounds like. I should play one to you, sometime. It’d be more interesting than me, anyway.
Actually, we probably can record anything incoming, now. [laughs] That’s sort of given me an idea. Eugene, I hope you’re listening, and I hope you forgive me for shooting from the hip, but here goes: let’s get a proper call-in thing going. Listeners, let’s be friends! Sure, we might be separated by miles of wasteland and by hordes of ravenous undead, but why should that stop us talking?
So, you out there, wherever you are, get on your radio. Drop us a line, and let’s connect! Tell us your stories, ask us questions, hell – even give us your best recipe for nettle and lima bean soup. You know, you know, yeah, yeah – it’s been a while now, and we need to stop hiding and living in fear and worrying about who’s going to steal our tinned tomatoes. Let’s start the change here, listeners. Let’s start being a community again!
Man… got a bit carried away there, for a moment. You’ll have to forgive me, listeners. It’s been an emotional day. I’m… well, I’m a bit all over the place. Hey, Eugene? Feel better soon. Get back to me soon. Because I’m obviously a mess without you.
Here’s a song, guys.
Phreatic Aquifer[]
JANINE DE LUCA: And so, as you’ve heard, with very little effort it is possible for even the smallest habitation to secure for itself a stable, sustainable supply of clean water for years to come. So long as you keep in mind my ten water safety commandments, you’ll be like our good friend, the phreatic aquifer - unconfined and always ready to supply water! [giggles]
But seriously, I hope you’ve found this segment both instructive and entertaining. I’ll be returning soon to discuss sustainable food supplies. Stay safe out there, listeners!
Thrunners[]
[JACK HOLDEN snoring] [door opens]
EUGENE WOODS: [sighs] [whispers] For God’s sake. I didn’t mean to stay on the air at all costs literally, dummy. [out loud] Well, listeners, I’m back. I hope you weren’t as worried as Jack obviously was. Just a little food poisoning. Someone in the kitchen was a little fast and loose with some SPAM, and my guts paid the price.
But hey, worse things happen every day, right? And it was nice to get a little time away, being pampered by the wonderful Maxine Myers. I tell you, for a patchy tent, the hospital’s pretty comfy. Or at least it is when you’re not emptying your stomach into a bucket! Thank God for all the runners here, who have made sure the hospital is well-stocked with anti-emetics. I owe you all a big thanks. So thanks, runners. ...Thrunners.
Right, I’m going to put Sleeping Beauty to bed here, so here’s a little something to tide you over until I get back.
Emotionally Open Individual[]
JACK HOLDEN: And we’re back! Welcome back, everyone! Welcome back, Eugene! Eugene and Jack, back together! Hooray!
EUGENE WOODS: Go to bed, Jack.
JACK HOLDEN: No, I’m fine!
EUGENE WOODS: You’re barely holding your head up. Go to bed!
JACK HOLDEN: YOU’RE barely holding your head up!
EUGENE WOODS: Go to bed, Jack.
JACK HOLDEN: Your FACE is barely holding its head up!
EUGENE WOODS: Jack?
JACK HOLDEN: What?
EUGENE WOODS: You’ve been broadcasting for two days straight. You need to go to sleep!
JACK HOLDEN: But you’re back! And that means we can get back to work properly! I’m not going to bed until you do.
EUGENE WOODS: I was gone for forty-eight hours, it’s not like I was in another country!
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah… [sighs] I missed you.
EUGENE WOODS: [laughs] God, you are a sap, aren’t you?
JACK HOLDEN: That’s a derogatory term! I’ll have you know, the preferred nomenclature is “emotionally open individual”.
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah, yeah - bed. Now. Yeah, yeah, I’m coming, I’m coming! Listeners, Mister Holden is in severe need of rest, so I’m going to make sure he gets it. We’ll be back with you tomorrow. Stay safe out there, listeners.
JACK HOLDEN: Stay safe out there, guys.
No More Spam[]
EUGENE WOODS: Alright, good morning, listeners.
JACK HOLDEN: Good morning, everyone. … Is it morning? Afternoon?
EUGENE WOODS: We’ll stick with morning. How are you feeling, Jack? Rested?
JACK HOLDEN: Just about. Certainly feeling less crazy!
EUGENE WOODS: Well, eighteen hours of sleep will do that for you.
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah. How about you? All better?
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah. I don’t think I’ll be eating SPAM any time soon, though, if I can help it.
JACK HOLDEN: [laughs] That’s probably a good idea.
EUGENE WOODS: The way you were behaving, though, you’d have thought YOU were the one that had been poisoned.
JACK HOLDEN: Hey, now, I was stricken with grief!
EUGENE WOODS: Of course. You must have been so scared!
JACK HOLDEN: Well, you know me. … Did I really do zombie-themed stand-up?
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah. It was pretty atrocious.
JACK HOLDEN: Alright, Jimmy Carr. At least I didn’t vomit live on the radio.
EUGENE WOODS: Well, you could have fooled me.
JACK HOLDEN: Aw, ouch! Snap!
EUGENE WOODS: Za-zing!
JACK HOLDEN: I think I need a trip to the hospital, now.
EUGENE WOODS: For third-degree burns?
JACK HOLDEN: You got it. So glad you’re back!
EUGENE WOODS: It’s certainly good to be back. Uh, are you going to stare at me all day, or are you going to play a song?
JACK HOLDEN: Oh, right. Listeners, this one’s for all of you who had to endure my terrible comedy yesterday.
Martyr[]
EUGENE WOODS: Okay, let’s see what we’ve got here. [papers rustling]
JACK HOLDEN: Old notice, old notice… old Z-Bay request! [laughs] Letter from the Major, letter from Janine, letter from Sam…
EUGENE WOODS: [laughs] Wow. We should, uh, we should probably get around to doing this a little more often.
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, this does not reflect well upon our clerical skills!
EUGENE WOODS: No, uh, not good.
JACK HOLDEN: Oh, here’s one, here’s one – “Anyone who was at dinner last night should report to the hospital immediately, as some spoiled meat may have been served.” … Well, that’s good to know.
EUGENE WOODS: Yes. Certainly valuable information.
JACK HOLDEN: I’m so sorry.
EUGENE WOODS: Well, [laughs] I’d been blaming you as a joke before, but now the truth is out.
JACK HOLDEN: I’m so sorry!
EUGENE WOODS: Well, I’m sure that’s not going to be good enough.
JACK HOLDEN: You know how these things get buried in the – ugh, God, I am so sorry!
EUGENE WOODS: Oh, come on, stop it. Don’t be such a martyr.
JACK HOLDEN: Martyr?
EUGENE WOODS: You know, I don’t care. It’s my fault as much as yours.
JACK HOLDEN: The shame! The guilt. Oh, woe is me! I must repent my sins. This song, listeners, this song, is my penance. I beg you to accept it graciously.
EUGENE WOODS: You are such an idiot.
JACK HOLDEN: What’s that? I can’t hear you over the sound of me being a martyr.
EUGENE WOODS: Play the song, you doofus!
Like You'll Ever Forget[]
EUGENE WOODS: Wow, you… you remembered.
JACK HOLDEN: [laughs] Yeah! Do you like it?
EUGENE WOODS: I didn’t think you’d remember.
JACK HOLDEN: Hey, you should give me more credit!
EUGENE WOODS: Hmm. Yeah, I should.
JACK HOLDEN: So you liked it?
EUGENE WOODS: [laughs] Of course. [JACK HOLDEN laughs] God, it seems a long time ago.
JACK HOLDEN: [clears throat] Now, the thing to which Eugene is alluding, dear listeners, is that the song we just heard was the song playing when we first met. [laughs] Shall we tell the story, Gene?
EUGENE WOODS: Aw, I don’t know. Isn’t it best to keep the mystery alive? I’m sure our listeners have lots of wild theories, and…
JACK HOLDEN: Come on, it’s a good one!
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah, okay. Well, let’s have a song first, uh, give me a second to remember?
JACK HOLDEN: Like you’ll ever forget. We’ll be right back, listeners.
Alright[]
[EUGENE WOODS and JACK HOLDEN laugh]
EUGENE WOODS: Oh!
JACK HOLDEN: Oh what?
EUGENE WOODS: Uh, the song’s finished.
JACK HOLDEN: Oh, damn. Uh, right, um, hello listeners. Sorry about that, we got a bit -
EUGENE WOODS: - caught up in reminiscing.
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah. Shall we share the story?
EUGENE WOODS: If we must. Want to start?
JACK HOLDEN: Well, isn’t it better from you?
EUGENE WOODS: No.
JACK HOLDEN: Alright, then. [clears throat] Well, then, listeners – cast your mind back to the very beginning of the outbreak. Imagine, if you will, a field in Hampshire. A rave - a proper, old-school party of… well, questionable legality. I’d been there for a couple of days, and had heard literally nothing of the news. For two days, though we didn’t know it, we’d been partying our way through the beginning of the apocalypse!
EUGENE WOODS: I should interject here, listeners. He’s making it sound a hell of a lot more important than it actually was.
JACK HOLDEN: Hey, hey, you’ll get your turn!
EUGENE WOODS: I’m just saying, it was a couple of hundred people off their faces in a muddy field. Hardly the last days of Rome, my friend.
JACK HOLDEN: Shush! So, towards the end of my second day there, I was feeling a little bit, shall we say, “tired”. So, I wandered off for a lie-down in the woods.
EUGENE WOODS: A thirteen hour lie-down, as it happened.
JACK HOLDEN: I was very tired.
EUGENE WOODS: Sure, and during your little disco nap, the rest of the partiers fell prey to some wandering zoms.
JACK HOLDEN: A fact to which I was blissfully ignorant, until -
EUGENE WOODS: Alright, this is where I come in. Let’s take a dramatic pause for some music.
"If You Want To Live"[]
JACK HOLDEN: So, we left our hero lying in the middle of the woods, not five hundred yards from a newly-turned pack of rave kiddies with a sudden craving for human flesh. Enter Eugene, stage right.
EUGENE WOODS: I, unlike Jack, was thoroughly aware of the rapidly spreading plague and was doing my best to avoid it. My plan had been to get away to a friend’s farm near Nottingham, but, uh, my plan had turned to mud the minute my car broke down.
JACK HOLDEN: Luckily, as it turns out -
EUGENE WOODS: I’m getting there! I’m getting there. Now, it’d only been two days, but I already knew enough to know that staying with my vehicle and awaiting rescue wasn’t, uh, wasn’t an option. So I grabbed as much of my stuff as I could carry and I just got off the road.
JACK HOLDEN: Cue ridiculously unrealistic turn of fate.
EUGENE WOODS: Where, barely a few minutes into the woods, my foot catches on something stinky lying in my path.
JACK HOLDEN: Hello!
EUGENE WOODS: I go down like a sack of potatoes right on top of him.
JACK HOLDEN: You’re not kidding about that. And enough of the “stinky”!
EUGENE WOODS: And now, from the way this thing looks and smells, I assume it’s dead. So when it opens its eyes and starts flailing at me, I panic.
JACK HOLDEN: Hey, you’d be flailing too if some random dolt fell on top of you while you were napping.
EUGENE WOODS: Right. So, I’m assuming he’s a zom. I reach for my weapon.
JACK HOLDEN: At which point I manage to sit up, and ask -
EUGENE WOODS: “Is the party over?”
JACK HOLDEN: Some understatement, eh?
EUGENE WOODS: At which point I begin to realize what’s happened, so I… well, we teamed up, and headed off to escape the zoms.
JACK HOLDEN: No, no, no, hang on! That’s not how it happened! You’ve missed the best bit!
EUGENE WOODS: I don’t think I’ve missed anything -
JACK HOLDEN: So, I wake up, and I’m staring at this disheveled, panicked-looking guy holding a length of steel pipe and glaring at me like he’s expecting me to attack him -
EUGENE WOODS: Which I was!
JACK HOLDEN: Right. And the rave sound system’s still blaring out music - that song we just played you – and then he looks behind me, back into the woods, and seems to come to a decision. And he reaches out his hand, just as the song hits this big crescendo, and he says – go on, Gene!
EUGENE WOODS: [reluctantly] … “Come with me if you want to live.” [JACK HOLDEN bursts out laughing] I didn’t realize what I was saying!
JACK HOLDEN: Sure, sure you didn’t! You cheesy douche!
EUGENE WOODS: Seriously.
JACK HOLDEN: Oh, whatever! So, I’m still completely oblivious to what’s going on, but, well, how can you refuse an offer like that?
EUGENE WOODS: Quite.
JACK HOLDEN: And the rest, as they say, is history.
EUGENE WOODS: History that you can’t resist recounting to everyone we meet.
JACK HOLDEN: It’s a good story!
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah, yeah, alright. Listeners, so now you know, and now, here’s a song.
JACK HOLDEN: Stay safe out there, listeners!
EUGENE WOODS: Stay safe.
Martin![]
JACK HOLDEN: Matthew.
EUGENE WOODS: No.
JACK HOLDEN: Martin?
EUGENE WOODS: Nope.
JACK HOLDEN: Michael.
EUGENE WOODS: You’ve said that, and no.
JACK HOLDEN: Okay. Um…
EUGENE WOODS: It’s -
JACK HOLDEN: No no no! Don’t tell me, I want to guess!
EUGENE WOODS: For God’s sake.
JACK HOLDEN: Martin!
EUGENE WOODS: No!
Tyresias[]
JACK HOLDEN: Tyrone?
EUGENE WOODS: Tyrone. Seriously, you think my middle name is Tyrone?
JACK HOLDEN: I think it’s a nice name!
EUGENE WOODS: It’s not Tyrone.
JACK HOLDEN: Fine. … Tybalt? Tybalt?
EUGENE WOODS: No, it’s not Tybalt.
JACK HOLDEN: Tom? No, that’d be daft. “Eugene Tom Woods”, ugh. … Tyresias?
EUGENE WOODS: Yes!
JACK HOLDEN: Seriously? Yes, Tyresias! … Oh, you’re joking.
EUGENE WOODS: You think?
Ben? Ben![]
JACK HOLDEN: Zack.
EUGENE WOODS: No.
JACK HOLDEN: Zephaniah.
EUGENE WOODS: No.
JACK HOLDEN: Zebidee.
EUGENE WOODS: No.
JACK HOLDEN: Ugh! Zi… Zim, Zam, Zeus, Zaul, Zop? Zoop? Aw, God, no. I can’t guess! I’ve gone mad! I’ve forgotten how to say words and what names are, and just – just tell me! Put me out of my misery!
EUGENE WOODS: It’s Ben. My dad’s name.
JACK HOLDEN: Ben. Ben? I said Ben!
EUGENE WOODS: You didn’t.
JACK HOLDEN: I did the B’s ages ago!
EUGENE WOODS: But you didn’t say Ben.
JACK HOLDEN: Ugh! Why didn’t you stop me?
EUGENE WOODS: You wanted to guess.
JACK HOLDEN: Ugh, just – no. No, not cool.
EUGENE WOODS: What? Are you mad?
JACK HOLDEN: Not cool, man. Not cool!
Father Michael[]
EUGENE WOODS: Listeners, welcome back.
JACK HOLDEN: Hello, everyone.
EUGENE WOODS: Now, we’ve got a bit of alarming news for you.
JACK HOLDEN: Hey, let’s not oversell it, big horse.
EUGENE WOODS: Alarming news, listeners. If you’ve been tuning in to Radio Abel for a while, you’ve probably come to the conclusion that we’re not only the best post-civilization radio show, but the only post-civilization radio show.
JACK HOLDEN: Wow! Ego, much?
EUGENE WOODS: Says the man with the monogrammed underwear?
JACK HOLDEN: Ouch! Zing! I give up. Pray, continue, dear friend.
EUGENE WOODS: So, you may be thinking that we here at Radio Abel have a total monopoly on the airwaves, the only surviving transmitter, and are the only two people handsome and talented enough to do this kind of thing on a regular basis.
JACK HOLDEN: This is not so. At least, certainly not in Eugene’s case. [EUGENE WOODS slaps JACK HOLDEN] Ow!
EUGENE WOODS: Rude though he may be, listeners, my feckless and stinky cohost is right about one thing. We are not alone. The air around Abel is in fact alive with other signals, teeming with other voices, and music, and stories. They’re weird, they’re wonderful, and some are downright heartbreaking. But beginning today, on Abel Radio, we’ll be bringing you some of the best. Our own homemade highlight reel. Up first, a personal favorite of mine.
JACK HOLDEN: Oh, I think he’s creepy, to be honest.
EUGENE WOODS: [announcer voice] A personal favorite of mine, the Shakespeare of fear, the Howard Hughes of alarming news, the Hunter S. Thompson of don’t turn that light on, it’s Father Michael!
JACK HOLDEN: How long did you spend writing that?
EUGENE WOODS: Do you like it?
JACK HOLDEN: Oh, absolutely, Mister Zaltzman. [whispers] Weirdo.
[]
FATHER MICHAEL: Alarming news, children. Real alarming news for you all, as much as I hate to say it. Listen to me now. Day after day, my sources are bringing me more and more evidence that this situation we’re in - this stink-pit of a global conundrum, this screaming foxhole - every day I become more and more convinced, as much as I don’t want to believe it - every day I see things that have me thinking, you know what? I don’t think this thing was a surprise. I don’t think this was a surprise at all. To those people who knew about. Those people who planned for it. Those people who prepared for it, who worked for it, who engineered it!
That’s right, children. That’s right – who engineered it. I don’t use that word lightly, because the truth is – listen. The truth is, the more I see, the more evidence I see, the more my sources tell me, the more I believe, the more I know that we are living in the aftermath of a planned, designed, engineered culling of the human race.
Alarming news. I don’t want to believe it, but children, I have to believe it. We, the survivors, are the mistakes. It is not those shambling horrors, it is us! We are the mistakes, we are the aberrations. We are the margin of error in their great experiment because we survived. And they did not want any survivors.
Now, I know what you’re saying. I can hear you out there, gathered around your receivers, straining for the good word, listening for the message. You’re saying, “Father Michael, we love and respect you, but you’ve always told us to listen not to the empty declarations of proud men. You’ve always told us to seek the evidence ourselves!” And right you are, listeners. Right you are! Fear not, fear not, I will not disappoint. I will share my evidence. Listen to me now!
JACK HOLDEN: Ugh, it’s so creepy! Just - ugh!
EUGENE WOODS: More from Father Michael after this.
Be Wary[]
FATHER MICHAEL: In October, just one month before the event, just one month, the water supplies at all government offices were switched off. No more public water for our precious bureaucrats, oh no. Now, just one month before the event, new private water supplies were introduced. That’s right! Barely one month before the outbreak, the government was supplying its party faithful, its dearest workers with antidote! Ensuring that the survival of the great machine through to the new age. Were you aware, oh children, that fewer than three percent of government workers were killed during the outbreak? No no, that tidbit is far too juicy for you to hear on the official channels. The Rofflenet won’t give you that piece of meat, no sir! And boy, I tell you, that’s just the beginning.
In the six months leading up to the downfall, two hundred and eighteen tankers of petroleum oil were redirected from their commercial refineries to secret, military-controlled installations around the country. Stocking up, you say? Of course! Of course, stocking up to protect such a vital resource for the future. Can’t let those careless civilians get their sticky hands all over it, oh no. Most certainly not. Not when they’ll soon be gray and hungry. Oh no no no.
And here’s the big one. Here’s the doozie for you. Just two days before the event, just two days, a teleconference was held between the fifteen most senior members of the Emergency Action Committee. On top level secured lines, across five different time zones, at only three hours notice! Is this it, listeners? I believe it is! I believe we have, in this phone call, discovered the very moment of commitment. The very point at which our fate was enacted. This was the kill switch. This was the fatal decision, the crossing of the Rubicon, the dropping of the Fat Man. And they call it an accident!
An accident! Such a global catastrophe, such widespread fear and death and desolation. No accident, dear friends. Here’s the alarming news – the outbreak was from day one, from the beginning, orchestrated and engineered by those sworn to keep us safe. The very people elected and enshrined to protect and serve us. This world is of their making, listeners, it is theirs! And that is the message. Be wary, listeners! Be wary, until I return.
Erase You From My Mind[]
JACK HOLDEN: Thank God that’s over.
EUGENE WOODS: Oh, come on. It’s hilarious.
JACK HOLDEN: It’s freaking creepy! I had enough of madmen like that before all this. All that stuff about the water? If that’s the case, then how does he explain the Prime Minister and half the Cabinet going gray? And how is it possible that in the country where the government can’t spend an extra twenty quid on a cab fare without people being up in arms about it, they get a multi-billion pound secret zombie initiative past the taxpayers? I mean -
EUGENE WOODS: Jack!
JACK HOLDEN: It’s just - !
EUGENE WOODS: Well, listeners, maybe you agree with Jack, but I hope you at least appreciated hearing, uh, hearing an alternative perspective on recent events.
JACK HOLDEN: And hey, if you didn’t, why not let us know? You can leave us a message on Rofflenet, or get in touch via the radio. Let us know your opinions on this piece, ask us a question, or just tell us your story of survival, post-civilization.
EUGENE WOODS: Please do. We’ll answer your questions, hear your messages, and generally keep the conversation flowing just as soon as you guys start it.
JACK HOLDEN: They have been rather reticent up until now, haven’t they?
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah, well, we all can’t have motormouth like you, darling.
JACK HOLDEN: Oh man, sometimes I wish I could just erase you from my mind.
EUGENE WOODS: That’ll be the day.
JACK HOLDEN: For now, I’ll just have to drown you out with this.
Very Exciting[]
ACK HOLDEN: Hey, Eugene!
EUGENE WOODS: What?
JACK HOLDEN: Eugene!
EUGENE WOODS: What?
JACK HOLDEN: Eugene!
EUGENE WOODS: I know what you’re going to say!
JACK HOLDEN: Eugene.
EUGENE WOODS: Just say it, Jack!
JACK HOLDEN: Eugene!
EUGENE WOODS: Dear God, give me strength. What?
JACK HOLDEN: Eugene. [EUGENE WOODS slaps JACK HOLDEN] Ow! Alright, I’m just excited! … Aren’t you going to ask me what I’m excited about?
EUGENE WOODS: No, I already know what you’re excited about! That’s what – the whole thing right then, that’s what I was saying… were you even listening to me?
JACK HOLDEN: Eugene.
EUGENE WOODS: Don’t start!
JACK HOLDEN: Eugene.
EUGENE WOODS: Oh God, fine. What are you excited about, Jack?
JACK HOLDEN: I’m so glad you asked, Eugene! I’m excited because we’ve recorded our first call-in from a listener!
EUGENE WOODS: That is exciting, Jack! So exciting, I’d have thought you’d have wanted to get to it a lot quicker than that.
JACK HOLDEN: Aw, piffle. Right, listeners, we’re going to play you guys a song, and then, we’re going to be back with our first ever recorded call! [laughs] Excited!
EUGENE WOODS: Very exciting! We’ll be right back guys.
Cookbook[]
MARIA: Hello? This is Maria. Um, Jack and Eugene, I don’t have much time, but I wanted to thank you for doing your radio show. It’s been really, really good to hear a voice other than my own out here. It’s just me and the cat, and well, I’m low on battery, but thank you! Thank you.
EUGENE WOODS: Wow, thanks for the call, Maria! It’s great to know you’re out there and I hope you’re listening now, safe with your cat.
JACK HOLDEN: Absolutely. It’s great to hear from you.
EUGENE WOODS: There’s just one thing though, Jack.
JACK HOLDEN: Oh, here it comes.
EUGENE WOODS: Don’t you think it’s a bit egotistical that the first message we play is just about how awesome we are?
JACK HOLDEN: Okay, two things. Firstly, we are awesome, so you know, so we should be spreading the word. Secondly, that’s not all Maria had to say. She actually got back in touch, with this:
MARIA: Hey, guys! This is Maria, and I was just wondering if you’d made any progress on that survival cookbook. I’ve got some pretty good recipes for “shovel blade cuisine”, if you will, and yeah, let me know if you’re interested. Keep up the great work, you are my audio oasis. Thanks guys.
JACK HOLDEN: Ah, yes, the survival cookbook. How is that coming?
EUGENE WOODS: I see what’s going on! You think you’ve dropped me in it, don’t you?
JACK HOLDEN: I don’t know what you’re talking about!
EUGENE WOODS: You think that I’ve not written a word, and that by playing this message, you’re going to be embarrassing me as revenge for me beating your ass at chess the other day.
JACK HOLDEN: You, sir, are a scoundrel for suggesting such a thing, and a paranoid madman besides. And you cheat!
EUGENE WOODS: If by “cheat”, you mean possess significantly greater skill, then yes, I “cheat”. If not, you are mistaken. You are also mistaken in your little revenge plot, here, because I am proud to announce that I have in fact almost finished the cookbook.
JACK HOLDEN: Oh, really?
EUGENE WOODS: Yes, really! I just need to make sure I’ve got my guide to identifying poisonous mushrooms right.
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, probably vital information to check.
EUGENE WOODS: And then it’ll be ready to put up on Abel’s Rofflenet server.
JACK HOLDEN: Oh. So it’s an e-book.
EUGENE WOODS: No, dummy, I’ve got a printing press in the empty leg of my pants - trousers, whatever you want to call them.
JACK HOLDEN: Well, I’m less impressed now. Anyone can self-publish.
EUGENE WOODS: Oh, get lost! Play some music, you loser.
JACK HOLDEN: Alright, Heston! We’ll be back with you later, listeners. Stay safe out there.
EUGENE WOODS: Stay safe, listeners.
Apology Song[]
EUGENE WOODS: Hmm…
JACK HOLDEN: What?
EUGENE WOODS: Nothing.
JACK HOLDEN: Well, it’s obviously something.
EUGENE WOODS: No, it’s just, well… I’m just not sure that was the best choice.
JACK HOLDEN: Why?
EUGENE WOODS: Don’t you think it was a bit… insensitive?
JACK HOLDEN: How do you mean?
EUGENE WOODS: You know, with uh, with everything that’s going on with Runner Twelve?
JACK HOLDEN: Oh! Oh God, I feel horrible now! Listeners, I am so sorry about that!
EUGENE WOODS: We’re both sorry if that song offended anyone. We hope you all know it wasn’t our intention.
JACK HOLDEN: No, no, no, not at all! But wow, I feel so stupid!
EUGENE WOODS: Hey, we all make mistakes, let’s just um… Let’s just move on, yeah?
JACK HOLDEN: Sure. Uh, here’s a… [whispers] This one’s okay to play, right?
EUGENE WOODS: [whispers] Uh… yeah, uh, I can’t see why not.
JACK HOLDEN: [whispers] Okay, good. [out loud] Guys, here’s an apology song. We’ll be right back after this.
EUGENE WOODS: Stay safe!
JACK HOLDEN: Oh, uh, and I’m sorry.
Be Careful![]
EUGENE WOODS: Alright, so we’ve got an important announcement for you guys, don’t we, Jack?
JACK HOLDEN: That we do, Eugene. A very important announcement, actually.
EUGENE WOODS: So listen up, everyone out there.
JACK HOLDEN: Your lives may depend on it. Okay, so, last night, we received a message from the guys up at Narwhal Tower.
EUGENE WOODS: Hello to Liv, Richard, and Alex.
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, hello, guys. This message they sent us – [sighs] It’s not something that I would have imagined would still be going on.
EUGENE WOODS: No, it’s really shocking.
JACK HOLDEN: Disgusting, really!
EUGENE WOODS: Absolutely. So, the guys up at Narwhal wanted to warn you all about a new danger that’s arisen on the Rofflenet.
JACK HOLDEN: Totally despicable. People perverting such a – such a great thing!
EUGENE WOODS: Alright, let me fill the listeners in!
JACK HOLDEN: Sorry, go ahead.
EUGENE WOODS: So Liv, Alex, and Richard wanted everyone to know that apparently there’s a group of – brigands?
JACK HOLDEN: Bandits! Thieves! Thugs, and scoundrels!
EUGENE WOODS: Thugs, that’s it. There’s a band of thugs sending messages on the Rofflenet, posing as military officials.
JACK HOLDEN: Civilian Relief Provision Teams, they call themselves.
EUGENE WOODS: Civilian Relief Provision Teams, right. So they send messages to a whole bunch of Rofflenet addresses -
JACK HOLDEN: Oh, for a good spam filter, right?
EUGENE WOODS: Right. And these messages, they offer military assistance for civilians around the country.
JACK HOLDEN: Supply drops, medevac, air support - you name it.
EUGENE WOODS: But, and here’s the important part – if you reply with your location, asking for assistance, they’ll come over to where you’re hiding, and…
JACK HOLDEN: Well, it’s not pretty. That’s the important part.
EUGENE WOODS: They need to know, Jack! There are reports that they’re, well…
JACK HOLDEN: Taking prisoners. Slaves.
EUGENE WOODS: And some worse...things. These are -
JACK HOLDEN: - monsters
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah, monsters.
JACK HOLDEN: The moral of the story, listeners, is to be careful with your details.
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah, don’t give out any personal details over the Rofflenet, unless you know who’s receiving them, and you trust that person.
JACK HOLDEN: Right. We might be a long way from the old internet, guys, but that doesn’t mean we left the danger behind.
EUGENE WOODS: Far from it, so remember – be careful who you trust.
JACK HOLDEN: And stay safe out there!
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah. Stay safe.
Survival Tips[]
JACK HOLDEN: Alrighty then. Eugene, I think it’s time.
EUGENE WOODS: Time for what?
JACK HOLDEN: Well, I think it’s probably time to play some more of our listeners’ messages!
EUGENE WOODS: You know what, my man? I think you’re right. You want to get one all queued up while I do the intros?
JACK HOLDEN: Heck yes.
EUGENE WOODS: Okie-dokie. Everybody, in the past couple of weeks since we suggested the idea, we’ve been really pleased to receive dozens of messages from all of our wonderful listeners. It’s fantastic to know how many people there are out there, fighting the good fight and keeping the torch burning.
JACK HOLDEN: Mixing metaphors, much?
EUGENE WOODS: Oh, shut up. Just do your job and let me do mine.
JACK HOLDEN: Alright, mate, my job’s done, isn’t it?
EUGENE WOODS: You’re ready?
JACK HOLDEN: Yup!
EUGENE WOODS: Wow. Great, okay. Guys, uh, we’re going to give you a bit of music, then we’ll be back with some survival tips from the wonderful listeners to Radial – Radio? Radio!
JACK HOLDEN: Radio Abel!
EUGENE WOODS: Radio Abel.
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, we'll call it that.
Spatter[]
LISTENER: Alright, tips. If you’re going to survive outside the walls, you might want to remember this old monster movie standby – “cut off the head, you know it’s dead”. A good long-handled ax is very useful. However, don’t think you need to decap a zom on your first strike. It’s actually wiser to get it down first, ideally faceplanted if you can manage it. Then, put one foot on its back, and have at it. This helps to reduce spatter, and as a result, reduces your chance of infection.
EUGENE WOODS: Great advice, there.
JACK HOLDEN: Truly excellent. Practical, simple, catchy. Though I must admit, if I never have to hear the word “spatter” again, it’ll be too soon.
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah, it's a high squick factor word. Just one of the realities of life with zombies, I guess, though.
JACK HOLDEN: Well, of course. I did love the monster movie reference, too. Although I prefer to live by another motto myself.
EUGENE WOODS: Which is?
JACK HOLDEN: “Run the heck away, live another day.”
EUGENE WOODS: Ah yes, the coward’s mantra.
JACK HOLDEN: It’s served me well! I am a proud coward.
EUGENE WOODS: No, don’t undersell yourself. I’ve seen you swinging W.G. Man’s got moves!
JACK HOLDEN: Well, when needs must, I certainly have an effective cover drive.
EUGENE WOODS: Every shot a… four!
JACK HOLDEN: A six.
EUGENE WOODS: Six!
JACK HOLDEN: You’re too kind!
EUGENE WOODS: I suppose I am.
JACK HOLDEN: Hey!
EUGENE WOODS: More calls after this.
Standards[]
LISTENER: Hi, guys. My tip to all the runners out there: if you want to avoid any unwanted zombie attention, uh, best trick is to uh, not wash your running kit. Repeat, not wash your running kit. I’ve found that if you smell like the undead, the undead don’t seem to bother with you. Stay safe, guys!
EUGENE WOODS: You know, I think we’ve found your soul mate!
JACK HOLDEN: What? What do you mean?
EUGENE WOODS: [sniffs]
JACK HOLDEN: Rude!
EUGENE WOODS: [laughs] You can’t say it’s not true.
JACK HOLDEN: If my unique odor doth offend -
EUGENE WOODS: No no no, it’s good! You’re keeping me safe from zombie attacks, obviously.
JACK HOLDEN: Oh, shove off! Paul, I think it’s a great tip. As we all know, survival is far more important that certain personal luxuries, nowadays.
EUGENE WOODS: Personal luxuries like hygiene?
JACK HOLDEN: Hygiene, clean clothes, matching socks…
EUGENE WOODS: Oh, don’t start with that again. I told you, no one cares, and you know what? You’ll just have to make due with what you’ve got.
JACK HOLDEN: Eugene Woods, I may smell like an Olympic weightlifter’s underwear, but come on! One red sock, one blue sock? I have standards, sir!
EUGENE WOODS: [laughs] I’ll give you standards.
Mud[]
LISTENER: Yeah, I’m a first time caller, long time listener, and I just want to call in, and – I’m not going to give you my name, because I’m still convinced that this whole thing is just a government ploy to take our guns – but I wanted to throw this out there and see if anybody had considered rubbing themselves down in mud to keep the zombies from seeing you. I firmly believe that they have infrared vision and that the mud will cool down your body temperature.
JACK HOLDEN: … right.
EUGENE WOODS: Wow.
JACK HOLDEN: I know.
EUGENE WOODS: I love that guy.
JACK HOLDEN: What?
EUGENE WOODS: That was great!
JACK HOLDEN: Is this your love of the crazy coming back to the fore?
EUGENE WOODS: Oh come on, that call had everything – paranoid conspiracy theories, gun rights, Predator references! That’s my number one favorite call so far.
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, not exactly good advice, though, is it?
EUGENE WOODS: Like that matters!
JACK HOLDEN: It will if people start thinking covering themselves in mud will make them invisible!
EUGENE WOODS: We don’t know it doesn’t! He could be right!
JACK HOLDEN: No! No. I’m not letting you say that. Listeners, do not cover yourselves in mud to hide from the zoms. It won’t work. Eugene’s just being an idiot.
EUGENE WOODS: But… Predator!
Ear-present[]
MICHELLE: Hey, folks. My name is Michelle. I’d just like to remind everybody to conserve their explosives. Now, like every other red-blooded America, I love 'splosions. They are, however, only good for two things: attracting zombies away from something important, or gaining entry into something important for myself and other survivors. Explosives are - and I’m very serious about this – no good whatsoever as a weapon against the zoms. I know it’s tempting, believe me, I know it. But explosions don’t do anything but turn shamblers into crawlers, and everybody hates goddamn crawlers.
EUGENE WOODS: Yep.
JACK HOLDEN: Yep. Everybody -
EUGENE WOODS: - hates -
JACK HOLDEN: - crawlers.
EUGENE WOODS: Everybody.
JACK HOLDEN: Seriously good advice, there.
EUGENE WOODS: Absolutely. Guys, listen to Michelle, she’s obviously a clued-in lady.
JACK HOLDEN: Damn straight. Now, I don’t know where the hell you are getting these massive stockpiles of explosives from -
EUGENE WOODS: Dynamite trees?
JACK HOLDEN: Must be. But, if you do have any boom sticks or thunderboxes, you keep them safe until you need them. Remember – decoys or forced entry, that’s it.
EUGENE WOODS: Boom sticks. Thunderbox? Have you had a stroke?
JACK HOLDEN: [puts on an accent] ‘Ey, guvna! Don’t you know the lingo? Next you’ll be telling me this voice capture’s called a “mink-rophone”, and that bottom-swaddler’s actually a chair! Bally colonists!
EUGENE WOODS: I will never understand your brain, will I?
JACK HOLDEN: No, no.
EUGENE WOODS: [attempting same accent] Okay, attentioneers. We’ll be back after this shiny tune gives you this ear-present!
JACK HOLDEN: [laughs] That’s Australian!
A Mixed Bag[]
EUGENE WOODS: Alrighty, uh, it’s time for some important announcements.
JACK HOLDEN: Well, semi-important.
EUGENE WOODS: Quasi-important.
JACK HOLDEN: They're...interesting.
EUGENE WOODS: Listeners, we have some messages for you which you may -
JACK HOLDEN: - may or may not -
EUGENE WOODS: - find informative or interesting.
JACK HOLDEN: They’re a mixed bag, is what we’re saying.
EUGENE WOODS: Your Radio Abel public service announcements, after this.
Twice a Day![]
HANNAH: Hey, guys! So, I’m a huge fan, and I was just calling in to see if you could do a little public service announcement for me. Um, I was a dentist before. And… um, I mean, I guess I still am, but we’re a little more limited, and so it has become even more important for people to be brushing and flossing their teeth when possible. I mean, at a minimum, maybe use a rag to wipe your teeth off every day, or the corner of your shirt. Just make sure there’s no contamination on there. Please don’t become a zombie because you’re trying to take care of your teeth. Uh, anyway, it would really help me a lot, because man, I hate having to extract peoples’ teeth without anaesthetic. Right, well, if you have a toothbrush, brush twice a day. If you have floss, at least once a day, you guys.
EUGENE WOODS: Certainly an important thing to remember.
JACK HOLDEN: But an easy thing to forget!
EUGENE WOODS: Mm, maybe for you, mister.
JACK HOLDEN: I’m doing better! I even have my own tooth rag, now.
EUGENE WOODS: That’s only because you’ve heard Hannah’s message.
JACK HOLDEN: Well, yeah. It’s a recent development.
EUGENE WOODS: And I’m very glad for it. Thanks for the advice, Hannah.
Eye Candy[]
LISTENER: Ladies, I’m sure one of the things you’ve noticed now that you’ve survived the Gray Plague for a while, is your figure. Yes, what with food being scarce and exercise kind of being mandatory, we’ve all slimmed down and firmed up. However, I’ve come across runners in nothing but shorts and a sports bra. Now, inside the gates, that might be fine, but out in zom territory, you are risking your life to look good! Every bit of skin that isn’t covered is a chance to get scratched if you take a fall, and every scratch that isn’t covered means a chance to get infected. Fellas, I’m sorry to cut down on your eye candy, but I figure you want the ladies safe and healthy too, am I right?
EUGENE WOODS: Well, that’s just common sense, isn’t it?
JACK HOLDEN: It is. It is, but…
EUGENE WOODS: What?
JACK HOLDEN: I dunno. It’s weird, isn’t it?
EUGENE WOODS: What is?
JACK HOLDEN: Well, I guess it’s weird how, nowadays, even fashion advice is life or death.
EUGENE WOODS: Hmm. I hadn’t thought of it like that.
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah.
EUGENE WOODS: Man, that’s actually sort of depressing, isn’t it?
JACK HOLDEN: [sighs] Yeah. Hmm.
EUGENE WOODS: Still. Everyone out there, it’s good advice. Dress safe. No more bare ankles.
JACK HOLDEN: Aw, I love a good ankle.
EUGENE WOODS: Pervert.
Squidlet[]
ELIZABETH: I wanted to let you guys know that one of my dogs escaped the fence the other day. Um, if you could please let the community know to be on alert for a large Rottweiler breed - answers to the name Squidlet - that may be headed in your direction. I would greatly appreciate it, thank you.
JACK HOLDEN: Elizabeth, consider the community informed. Community, keep your eyes open for [laughs] Squidlet.
EUGENE WOODS: And maybe, if you’re in the area, it’s a good idea to stop carrying raw meat in your pockets for a while, unless you want to have a surprise encounter with a large dog.
JACK HOLDEN: Mm, yeah. Yeah, that’s a real trend around here, isn’t it.
EUGENE WOODS: I do not understand it at all.
JACK HOLDEN: Quite. Well, thanks, Elizabeth. We hope Squidlet finds his, uh -
EUGENE WOODS: Her?
JACK HOLDEN: [laughs] Their way home soon.
EUGENE WOODS: Stay safe, Squidlet.
No More Sports Bras[]
LISTENER: Hey, fellas. Listen, I’m glad the runners are bring back supplies. Those crutches and fresh batteries went a long way, but… do they have to bring back so many sports bras? I mean, yeah, we need fresh underwear, but are they just lying around randomly everywhere they go? It just seems a bit excessive, is all I’m saying.
JACK HOLDEN: Well, I think we all know who he’s talking about.
EUGENE WOODS: You know the Major doesn’t like us gossiping.
JACK HOLDEN: But! No, okay, but naming no names, it does seem to be a certain runner in particular who’s the culprit here.
EUGENE WOODS: Naming no names.
JACK HOLDEN: [coughs] Runner Five? [coughs]
EUGENE WOODS: It’s like some sort of… fixation.
JACK HOLDEN: Weird, right?
EUGENE WOODS: Now, now. No judging.
JACK HOLDEN: Speak for yourself.
Ring[]
EUGENE WOODS: No no no, you’ve got it all wrong. He was definitely awake at the end.
JACK HOLDEN: You’re a fool! Listen to me. His totem was still spinning. It was a dream! The kids were -
EUGENE WOODS: Don’t start with the kids again! They’re different actors.
JACK HOLDEN: It’s the same flipping shot! Exactly the same – costumes, lighting, everything. It’s a dream!
EUGENE WOODS: Ah, but the kids are four years older at the end.
JACK HOLDEN: You only know that because you read that stupid article by the casting agent.
EUGENE WOODS: It’s a valid line of inquiry! Anyway, this is all missing the most important point – the second totem.
JACK HOLDEN: Oh God, here we go.
EUGENE WOODS: Look, it’s simple! Watch his ring finger. Does he have his wedding ring on? If so, it’s not a dream. Mickey Mouse stuff.
JACK HOLDEN: What? So, he’s awake during the training sequence with Ariadne where the city flips upside-down?
EUGENE WOODS: He’s not wearing his wedding ring during the sequence!
JACK HOLDEN: Yes, he is!
EUGENE WOODS: No, seriously, he isn’t.
JACK HOLDEN: Are you sure?
EUGENE WOODS: Well, it has been a year since I saw the film.
JACK HOLDEN: … yeah, this debate would be much easier if there were a surviving copy to watch, wouldn’t it?
EUGENE WOODS: Mm, yeah.
JACK HOLDEN: Music?
EUGENE WOODS: Probably a good idea.
Resurrection[]
JULIE: Hi, Jack and Eugene, this is Julie calling. Um, I’m calling in because I want to place an ad on your Z-Bay thing, because, I mean, if you had asked me before the… before, what I would have missed in a zombie apocalypse, I’d have said probably something big, like the internet, because let’s face it - Rofflenet does not hold a candle to cute cat videos, right? But that’s not what I really miss the most.
What I really, really miss is food that tastes like something. I mean, canned meat, canned vegetables, canned fruit, canned beans – none of it tastes like anything. And I mean, I know most of the store-bought ground spices from before are probably way past their shelf date, but if anyone out there has whole spices – peppercorns, cinnamon, coriander, cumin – anything you have, just send it my way.
I am willing to make an extremely good deal. I’m a decent seamstress, I’m an okay gardener, heck – I’ll teach your kids to read, if you want. I used to be a schoolteacher. Just get in touch with me, okay? Jack and Eugene have my Rofflenet contacts.
EUGENE WOODS: I thought Z-Bay had died a death?
JACK HOLDEN: Wow. Seems like it’s sort of… come back to life!
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah, there’s a lot of that going around there, isn’t there?
JACK HOLDEN: Still. Nice to have an ad.
EUGENE WOODS: Yes! So, listeners, if you have any spices, and you’d like to trade them with Julie in exchange for any of the things she mentioned, let us know.
JACK HOLDEN: I have to say, her mention of peppercorns has my mouth watering.
EUGENE WOODS: Oh don’t, don’t. I’m starving.
JACK HOLDEN: Peppercorns… mmm…
EUGENE WOODS: Go away!
Brock Samson[]
JACK HOLDEN: Jason Bourne, obviously!
EUGENE WOODS: You must be high! Brock Samson, every time.
JACK HOLDEN: Oh, you cannot be serious. There is no way that an animated guy with a mullet who doesn’t even ever use guns could win the fictional spy fighting tournament.
EUGENE WOODS: Samson, man! Samson. Guy’s a Swedish murder machine!
JACK HOLDEN: Jason Bourne once killed a dude with a newspaper!
EUGENE WOODS: Five words: Brock Samson is David Puddy.
JACK HOLDEN: Dude, you had to go and play the Seinfeld card, didn’t you?
EUGENE WOODS: Am I right, or am I right?
JACK HOLDEN: Fine. You’re right.
EUGENE WOODS: Yesss.
Stay Strong[]
DREW: Jack and Eugene, and all those listeners to Radio Abel, this is Drew. I’m calling you to see if you’ve found my wife Samantha, my friend Chris, and my sister Elizabeth. If you know anything about them, please let me know. I lost them to the Gray Plague. I hope that they’re alive out there. Thanks, guys.
EUGENE WOODS: Samantha, Chris, Elizabeth – I hope you’re hearing this.
JACK HOLDEN: We hope you guys are out there, and that you’re safe. Let us know if you hear this. Drew is looking for you.
EUGENE WOODS: Stay strong, Drew. We’ll get that message to them.
JACK HOLDEN: Stay strong, stay safe.
Lady Cluck[]
JACK HOLDEN: Robin Hood, Hercules, Shere Khan, Mulan, and Aladdin.
EUGENE WOODS: No Lady Cluck?
JACK HOLDEN: Lady Cluck?
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah, you know, the badass hen from Robin Hood?
JACK HOLDEN: Uh… oh, right! No, no, just those five. I’ve already got my positions filled! Mastermind, muscles, stealth, disguise, and pickpocket.
EUGENE WOODS: Hmm, alright. I’m convinced. That is probably the best Disney character heist team ever hypothetically assembled.
JACK HOLDEN: Mmhmm. Thank you very much.
Dark[]
HANNAH: So, I’m calling to see if I can get some trades. Uh, I was… I am? I was [laughs] a dentist, and I’ve done some really awful stone age dentistry since… I mean, when your tooth hurts, there’s nothing worse, and I would absolutely kill for some unexpired dental anaesthetic cartridges if anyone happens to come across those, or you know, some dental instruments. They’re small, and they look like carving tools sort of, but uh… yeah, anything I have to trade. Uh, I have some medical knowledge, I can patch you up, do stitches, whatever. I would love to trade for that sort of thing. So, uh, just let me know! Thank you!
JACK HOLDEN: That’s pretty specific stuff.
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah, it’s, well, I mean, it could happen. It’s not impossible.
JACK HOLDEN: Nothing’s impossible.
EUGENE WOODS: Exactly. So guys, if you find any dental supplies, there’s a dentist in need out there.
JACK HOLDEN: We have to look after our teeth, right?
EUGENE WOODS: Absolutely. Otherwise, how will we infect others once we go gray?
JACK HOLDEN: Wow, dark.
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah, yeah… sorry about that.
JACK HOLDEN: Alright, guys. Let us know. Good luck with your search, Hannah.
This Zombie Life[]
Note: This radio clip has been removed from the app.
JACK HOLDEN: So, you really want to do it?
EUGENE WOODS: Heck yes! It’s all recorded and ready to go! And it’s not as if anyone else is doing it, these days. No one’s heard from Chicago for months now.
JACK HOLDEN: Fine, I just think that Radio 4 should be good enough for anyone.
EUGENE WOODS: [pointedly clears throat]
JACK HOLDEN: Okay, okay, I’ll shut up.
EUGENE WOODS: Thank you! Man, I have always wanted to do this.
[beginning of recording]
EUGENE WOODS: A few months ago, there was an event which changed the life of Sam Yao forever. We all know the one I’m talking about. It was cataclysmic. Heart-wrenching. Practically the end of the world. It was, of course, the moment when his beloved ax handle finally broke.
SAM YAO: So, um, Major de Santa has me out on a routine inspection on the eastern wall. The usual runners have fallen ill, and she wants someone to check its condition, you know, for cracks or water damage or whatever. And I’m thinking that nothing can possibly go wrong because we’ve got the scanner on, there’s still plenty of light, we did a sweep of the area in the morning – when I hear this noise, and I instantly know what it is.
The zom is already rising out of its little cubby hole which I guess had been uncovered by the storm waters and I’m desperately struggling to get my ax out, and you know, I get it out the wrong way! So I’m like, bashing it over and over again with the handle, not the ax head. And then, finally, it’s dead, probably dead, and I’m totally untouched, not even a scratch.
Except the handle is ruined. The handle on this ax I’d had for months, right from the start, and… [laughs] Well, I just break down. I can’t believe it. I know it’s weird to get so attached to a dumb ax, but this thing was my best defender all that time.
EUGENE WOODS: Sam’s not alone. We’ve all become attached to something – or someone – that’s kept us alive and safe. Sometimes we choose it, like Sam’s ax or Jack’s beloved W.G. cricket bat, and sometimes, it chooses us.
Well, from WNYZ Radio, it’s “This Zombie Life”, distributed by Abel Radio International. I’m Eugene Woods. Each week, of course, we pick a theme, and bring you a variety of stories on that theme. This week’s theme: weapon of choice.
Today’s show is in three acts, three stories from our new world. Act One - Final Judgement, where Naomi Alderman takes on an age-old legal battle, and I don’t mean in the normal sense. Act Two - Those Who Slay Together, Stay Together, where Matt Wieteska realizes that sometimes, being eaten alive isn’t the worst thing that can happen to you. And then Act Three - Game Transfer Phenomenon, where Adrian Hon finds that not everything that Valve teaches you will serve you well in the apocalypse.
It’s going to be dangerous, it’s going to be ugly, but we promise – we’re here to keep you safe. Stay with us.
This Zombie Life[]
Note: This radio clip has been removed from the app.
EUGENE WOODS: Act One – Final Judgement. Now, before the zombies came, there were millions of people around the world who stood toe-to-toe every single day in deadly combat. No quarter was given, no mercy was granted. I’m not talking about the army, or mixed martial arts, though. I’m talking about something even more important and painful. Naomi Alderman explains.
NAOMI ALDERMAN: So, I used to work for this law firm. Big international law firm, corporate clients, state clients…
EUGENE WOODS: State clients – that means you represented governments?
NAOMI ALDERMAN: Yeah, actual governments. Do you remember when we had those? It was a big deal place. Everyone wore suits, polished marble floors, seventeen hour work days. They had bedrooms in the office so you could sleep there if you were working all night. It was not the kind of place you could show any weakness.
EUGENE WOODS: Mm, no crying in front of the boss.
NAOMI ALDERMAN: Practically no breathing in front of the boss. People coming up colds and flu all the time. Everyone came in when they were sick, because, you know, if you missed the big deal, you’d never get promoted. There was one guy who had – this is true – two heart attacks. And his secretary had covered them up so his wife never knew because she’d have made him cut down his hours if she knew.
EUGENE WOODS: Showing no weakness.
NAOMI ALDERMAN: Exactly. Showing no weakness. That was like, our motto. So, you can imagine, it was pretty much a hot house. We had no reason to watch the news at work, secretary brought our lunches to our desk, and after, our dinners and our breakfast, too. There was one time, I think I didn’t leave the building for five straight days.
We all lived nearby anyway, barely saw anyone from outside of work, all personal calls diverted to voice mail when you were working. We were in the center of the most populated area in the UK, and we might as well have been in some remote hill farm for all the attention we paid to those wild rumors about like, sudden fevers and people biting each other. I mean, we’d all had flu shots, paid for by the firm, so we were safe, right?
EUGENE WOODS: Right. So then, you get called into a big meeting?
NAOMI ALDERMAN: Yeah. So, on what I now know was officially day three of the outbreak - the first day it spread from those isolated pockets - I get called into a meeting. A senior lawyer is pitching for work to a big international bank. [laughs] Do you remember those? What happened to all that money? So this guy - Casey, his name was - he did not look well. Coughing, pale skin, red eyes -
EUGENE WOODS: Animal bite on his neck?
NAOMI ALDERMAN: Yeah, on his wrist. Uh, covered with a bandage. Kept scratching at it. But he’s determined to make this deal, uh, because that’s how we’re all programmed. Deals first, your own health, or your zombie reanimation status, later. So we’re all in the meeting, and Casey just keeps going. I mean, we all know the signs, though, right? Coughing, and then a brief collapse, or sometimes a bit of a longer one, and then you reanimate. But this guy was so hopped up on caffeine -
EUGENE WOODS: He was drinking coffee?
NAOMI ALDERMAN: He was chugging back Pro Plus pills with his espressos! He was so hopped up, and so goddamn focused on like, risk evaluations, and tax strategies. I swear, I swear, his reanimation period was seriously, like – he blinked. I mean, one moment, he was pushing on through, all red eyes and pale skin, going, “And if we examine the tax implications in Delaware…” and then he blinks, and while he’s still saying the word “Delaware”, he reaches over and takes a bite out of the arm of the senior partner to his left. And then he carries on talking!
EUGENE WOODS: What? No!
NAOMI ALDERMAN: I swear to God! Never have seen it before or since. This guy was so goddamn focused. It was like those zoms who, you know, still know how to open doors or climb ladders because they did that a lot in life? Talking was his thing. So, he rapidly stopped making so much sense. Uh, it was just a sort of weird, undifferentiated word. He would go, like, “[groans] Advantageous tax system! [groans] Restructured debt obligations!”
EUGENE WOODS: And what was everyone else doing?
NAOMI ALDERMAN: Well, okay. So, of course, the usual screaming, panicking, running away from him because he was trying to bite people in the middle of his sentences. And then I saw that my brother had texted me something about zombies, and I was like, “I know what this is.” Uh, people kept trying to help him, of course, so he bit four or five people in the room before I managed to convince anyone to just barricade those guys in the conference room.
EUGENE WOODS: Oh yeah, that must have been hard, in the early days.
NAOMI ALDERMAN: Yeah. So, this was when I really had to use my skills as a lawyer. I remember this moment, of standing on the table, swinging a chair wildly from side to side -
EUGENE WOODS: Chair fighting, hell on the arms.
NAOMI ALDERMAN: No kidding. I was swinging that chair around while shouting to the other guys that Casey was a zombie. And they were going, “No, it’s not possible!” And I had to muster all my resources, and seriously, do a blooming bullet-point list for them. I was like, “Okay, one – look what happens when I hit him with the chair. Two – he got bitten yesterday. Three – even if he’s not a zombie, he’s still trying to bite people. Four – think of the risk implications for the firm if it turns out we were all exposed to a virus in the office.” I just kept arguing and arguing. I think it was that last one that got them in the end. Um, the three of us who survived the meeting barricaded the rest of them in the conference room. Got to be a real mess in there… I guess all those years of arguing for a living paid off!
EUGENE WOODS: And do you ever see any of those guys now?
NAOMI ALDERMAN: Nah. I probably saved their lives, but no one likes it if you beat them in an argument, do you know what I mean?
EUGENE WOODS: Hmm. Coming up, what happens when your most tried and trusted weapons can’t be trusted anymore? That’s in a minute, from Abel Public Radio and Abel Radio International when our programming continues.
This Zombie Life[]
Note: This radio clip has been removed from the app.
EUGENE WOODS: We’ve reached Act Two of our program. Act Two – Those Who Slay Together, Stay Together. This story is told by Matt Wieteska.
MATT WIETESKA: So, you probably all heard what happened there, right? Yeah, it wasn’t a pretty scene. Through some fluke, some random collision of circumstances, the news hit Edinburgh a couple of days before the plague did. Now, you might think that’s a good thing, right? It gives people time to prepare maybe, gives them a better chance of surviving what’s coming. That wasn’t the case. Panic’s a killer. Panic and fear and paranoia. A city full of people arming themselves, holing up, afraid every other person they see is a zom. It’s a recipe for disaster and bloodshed.
By the time the plague hit, there were barely any survivors left to infect. “Collateral damage”, they called it. For those of us who escaped, it was hell. Humanity at its worst. That’s the story you all probably heard already. It’s the little details you never hear, the individual stories. Here’s the one that stuck with me the most.
So, Edinburgh’s a university town, right? And Edinburgh University has its own sort of theater, operated by the students - Bedlam Theater. Now, when the news hits, this bunch of students – theater kids, technicians, you know – they’re miles away from home, no chance of getting back to their families. They’re all young, so they get together in the place they feel safest – the theater. They stock up with what food they can, barricade the place. They do a pretty good job of it, too. Maybe too good a job, as it turns out.
These were creative types. Technicians, as I said. They’d rigged up this elaborate system of booby traps to snag any intruders. In all my days, I’ve never seen anything like this. I’m talking about table saws rigged to drop from the roof, pyrotechnics turned into makeshift landmines. A real Home Alone setup. It would have been impressive if they hadn’t gone too far.
You see, the final thing they tried to set up - their masterpiece - was an electrified floor trap. They’d taken every piece of wiring in the place, every metal plate or bar at their disposal, and rigged the whole foyer. Any zom, any human steps foot in there, they get fried. Clever, right? The only problem was, this was a really old building. Not in the best state of repair. So the first time it rained, water ran right down from the balcony they were all sleeping on. Just formed this river right down to the foyer. They were electrocuted right where they slept. Just… horrible. I’ll never forget the smell of that place. Jesus… the stupid things people do out of fear.
This Zombie Life[]
Note: This radio clip has been removed from the app.
EUGENE WOODS: Now we arrive at Act Three of our show. Act Three – Game Transfer Phenomenon. There are a lot of people out there who talk about Danny Boyle - Saint Danny even - for teaching us how to react in this precise situation. But for those of a certain generation, Danny’s films weren’t as important as a certain series of games.
ADRIAN HON: So, I was a game designer back before the fall, and every month or so, I’d get invited to talk or write about some new calamity. About how games are rotting the minds of our youth, as if that were the most important thing to be thinking about.
Anyway, some newer scientists came up with a bright idea called Game Transfer Phenomenon. And the idea was that if you play games enough, then you’d start to see everything like a game. So if you played Assassin’s Creed a lot, then you’d start to want to climb up every building you could see. If you played Half Life 3 a lot, well then you’d start thinking you could time travel everywhere.
So the game I was playing was Left 4 Dead. You’ve probably heard of it – first person shooter, where four players kill zombies. And back then, it had all sorts of crazy stuff in it, like Monsters and Boomers and Hunters and Smokers, not like today. Anyway, back then, I did it night and day with my buddies, and to cut a long story short, when the zombies came, we were ready. I mean, we knew all about head shots, covering fire, sticking together, gathering supplies, communications – all that stuff. So, when we heard the news, we cycled down to the shooting range, loaded up on guns and ammo, and got moving.
The whole thing was like we’d been trained with the ultimate weapon. You know, a zombie survival simulator. And I’ll be honest, it felt great. I mean, it sounds stupid now, I’ll give you that, but we saved more than a few people while getting out of London. And then Philip says, “Maybe we should head to Blue Water Mall, try and stock up, even barricade the place. We can take things back from there. So we cleared out a whole lane of shops, teamed up with some other guys who had the same idea, and we tried to make a go of it.
And for the first few weeks, it was okay. But then there were just too many zoms, and too few of us. People got tired, couldn’t do the watches, started making mistakes. And that’s when the Game Transfer Phenomenon turned nasty, when Josh just couldn’t stay awake. He’d gotten some adrenaline from a pharmacy. We thought that, you know? Just like in Left 4 Dead, he could just inject some adrenaline, and he’d be fine. Instead, he got tachycardia, and well, that was that. The next day, Alex got bashed around while trying to defend the Apple store, took some pain pills, which helped some, but not as much as they did in the game. Actually, they slowed him down, and he got bitten! Had to put a bullet in him before he turned. I didn’t want to think much about games after that.
By then, we’d gone from twenty people in the mall down to just six, and we needed to get out. I was on the team holding out food supplies and Tescos when a horde arrived – dozens and dozens of them – just against three of us. And we had an escape route all set up, like you do, through the service corridors. We barricaded the front doors, but I guess the pressure from all the zoms managed to smash the windows or something. One of them got in, Annie got knocked back into the drinks aisle from the kickback from the shotgun, was looking battered. So, she wasn’t dead, thank God, but we needed to move her fast and stop the zombies.
So what did I do? Well, that’s right – molotov cocktail. It’s a bit harder to do than in the game. I had to take care not to blow myself up. But yeah, it definitely bought us enough time to carry Annie back into the service area and get the hell out of there. Something useful.
And so yeah, here I am. I’m pretty sure I’m only alive because of Game Transfer Phenomenon. But I’m also sure that Alex and Josh were killed by it. These days, I don’t really care much for playing games anymore. I don’t find them much fun. I just mod them. Turns out, there’s still plenty of work for people like me, making Left 4 Dead mods to help simulate combat situations for, you know, the military types. No smiles from the people playing them now. It’s deadly serious work.
This Zombie Life[]
Note: This radio clip has been removed from the app.
EUGENE WOODS: Well, our program today was produced by myself, Jack Holden, and Sam Yao. Our senior producer is Richard Bell. Very special thanks to Matt Wieteska, Naomi Alderman, and Adrian Hon for sharing their stories with us. "This Zombie Life” is distributed by Abel Radio International. Support for “This Zombie Life” comes from Abel Hospital, providers of medical attention, trauma assistance, and health check-ups to everyone in this township. Please donate your time and resources to the hospital. “Abel Hospital - what heals you.” WNYZ management oversight for our show is provided by our boss, Major de Santa. I’m Eugene Woods, back next week with more stories from “This Zombie Life”.
Codex[]
Supplies[]
The following supplies can be found in Season 1 Radio Mode.
9mm Ammo
Axe
Bandages
Baseball Bat
Batteries
Book
Bottled Water
Box of Lightbulbs
Mobile Phone
Pain Meds
Power Cable
Radio
Shirt
Shorts
Sports Bra
Tinned Food
Tool Box
Trousers
Underwear
USB Key