"Red Riding Hood" is the twenty-second mission of The Home Front.
It's time for another fairytale retelling with Phil and Zoe, as they tackle the story of Little Red Riding Hood!
EXERCISES: Inchworm, Backward Lunge, Uppercut, Squat
Cast[]
Plot[]
Sunny Afternoon
Welcome back Citizens! Zoe is still waiting out the superhorde in the animal shelter, but she and Phil have a special treat for you. They are going outside... through the power of storytelling because two-thirds of way too many zombies is still too many zombies. They've gone with Little Red Riding Hood this time. Take an imaginary skip down a peaceful forest path with your red hood and basket of treats.
Measuring the Marigolds
But wait! Is that the Big Bad Wolf up ahead? The wolf tries to lure the girl off the path by extolling the adventures and virtues of straying away. Eventually Red Riding Hood decides to take a detour, and has to squirm through some brambles to reach a meadow. Let's do the same by doing some Inchworms! Red Riding Hood reaches the meadow and is surrounded by beautiful daisies. Now she just has to return to the path.
Showdown
Red Riding Hood reaches Granny's cottage, but finds the door ajar. She creeps inside and finds her grandmother in bed looking suspiciously furry. Realising that something is wrong, Red Riding Hood backs away from the bed. You can join her by doing some Backward Lunges. Red Riding Hood reaches the door, but the wolf leaps out of bed and starts to give chase!
Wolf-slime
Unfortunately, while you were listening to music, the wolf ate Red Riding Hood. In the wolf's stomach, she found her grandmother still alive! Time to help them escape with some wolf-fighting Uppercuts. Red Riding Hood and her grandmother escape the wolf's stomach!
Rock Piling
The wolf has passed out from the punching, so Red Riding Hood and her grandmother decide to fill his stomach with heavy rocks so he can't hunt down and eat anyone else. You can help them with the rocks by doing some squats. Well done! You've dumped every rock you can into the wolf's stomach.
Happily Ever After
Great work! In some versions of the story, the wolf chases Red Riding Hood and Grandma across a river, where the rocks caused the wolf to drown. But in this story, the wolf wakes up and realises the error of its ways, then goes to culinary school instead. Phil enjoys being able to rewrite stories to give himself a bit of control, when there is so much outside his control these days. The spirit of invention and optimism can still help you to reach your happily-ever-after!
Transcript[]
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hello again, ci-ti-zens, and welcome back to Radio Lock-In. Zoe’s still waiting out the superhorde in an animal shelter and talking to me via ROFFLEnet, but she and I have a special treat for you today. We are going outside. Not literally outside. While the horde seems a bit smaller than it used to be, two-thirds of way too many zoms are still way, way too many zoms. No. Instead, we are going outside through the power of storytelling.
So start warming up because you are in for a treat… possibly. Anyway, Zoe and I had such a good time bringing you Cinderella that we’re going to retell another fairy tale classic, complete with Ministry workouts and our own spin on the story. We thought about doing Rapunzel, but being trapped in a tower seems a bit too on the nose at the moment, so instead, we’ve gone with Little Red Riding Hood. I never cared for it much myself, but uh, Zoe insists it’s great and it’s actually all about a young girl coming to terms with her burgeoning sexuality. I’d fill you in on the explanation, but we haven’t got two hours.
Anyway, it’s definitely a story that features two things we are both very sorely missing at the moment: fresh air and delicious baked goods. And with that, let’s begin with an imaginary skip down a peaceful forest path. Your riding hood is beautiful and uh, red. Your basket is full of goodies, and you’re enjoying the scenery. So saunter along to this track made for the perfect summer day.
[PHIL alternates between different voices for characters and his own voice for narration and exercise instructions]
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Ah, the smell of imaginary oak and blackberry jam. But wait, is that a Big Bad Wolf further up the forest path? Let’s listen in on the conversation between him and Red Riding Hood, which was written by Zoe and yours truly. Zoe wrote the wolf and I wrote Red Riding Hood, which you’d probably never be able to guess if I hadn’t told you. Zoe’s wolf speaks first, obviously.
“Hello, little boy, I mean, little girl. Aren’t you bored of staying on the forest path like mother New Canton taught you? Life’s much more fun if you stray.” “Is that why you’re out here in the forest, for fun? Or is it because you went for a walk and got lost and then when the zombie horde descended, you ended up stuck miles away from home, sleeping in a nest made of old jumpers? You know, hypothetically speaking.” “Oh, maybe, but just think, straying off the beaten track could lead you to a shelter full of adorable animals, one of whom is now named Snuffle McCheeseman because he bears a strong resemblance to a man named Phil whom you haven’t seen in ages. Also hypothetically speaking, of course.”
It went on like that for a bit, but we should skip ahead. So Red Riding Hood decides to take a detour from the path through a bramble patch to reach a beautiful field of wild daisies, carefully squirming her way through the undergrowth to avoid being prickled by the thorns. Let’s do the same and inch our way through with some inchworms.
Start in a standing position, feet hip-width apart and knees slightly bent. Now bend over and put your hands on the floor in front of your feet as close as you can get, then walk your hands forward until your back is flat and you look like you’re at the top of a push-up. Once you’re there, walk your hands back to your feet. Perfect! If you were near a bramble patch right now, you’d be getting through scratch-free.
All right, let’s do a minute of inchworms. Go! 15 seconds in. Red Riding Hood can see the daisies through a gap in the bushes, but they’re not quite in reach. Halfway there. Now she’s nibbled on a few wild blackberries and composed a short limerick that begins, “There once was a red hood for riding.” 15 seconds left to go. The daisies are almost close enough to touch. Keep going! All done!
And wow, absolutely worth it! Red Riding Hood is surrounded by the biggest and most beautiful daisies she’s ever seen. Now she just has to inch her way back to the path and skip along to Granny’s. Feel free to continue doing inchworms during this next song along with her, or use it to rest and smell the imaginary flowers.
[PHIL alternates between different voices for characters and his own voice for narration and exercise instructions]
PHIL CHEESEMAN: With sweets and flowers in hand, Red Riding Hood has now reached Granny’s cottage. Finding the door ajar, she creeps down the hallway to find a suspiciously furry grandmother who says, “Hello, little girl whose name I definitely remember because she is my granddaughter. Come here and hug me.” “How convincing. You are definitely not a wolf trying to eat me, I’m sure.”
“Of course not! Would I lie to you and say, try to convince you that the radio studio was haunted until you tossed salt over your shoulder whenever you stepped over the threshold every day for a month?” “Obviously not, and if I’m backing away right now, it’s absolutely not because I’m beating you at your own game by, say, making you think I’m going to stage an elaborate studio spirit cleansing ritual until you admit your wrongdoing.” Um, but of course, Red Riding Hood is backing away as fast as she can.
Let’s join her with some backward lunges. Start by standing with your feet hip-width apart again, then take a big step backwards with your right foot. Now bend both knees to lower yourself to the floor. Your left shin should stay vertical and your left knee should stay behind your toes. Once you’ve got as far down as you can, rise back up. Step that right foot forward so your feet are parallel, and then do the whole thing again on your left side.
Ready? Let’s do this for one minute. Go! 15 seconds in. “Granny, what a lot of fur you have all over your body. Perhaps you should have that looked at.” Halfway done. “An unfortunate side effect of my blood pressure medication, my dear.” Only 15 seconds left. “The same medication that seems to have given you fangs and a tail?” And done!
Red Riding Hood has made it all the way back to the front door, but the wolf, who’s sensing that she’s not falling for his nonsense, gets out of the bed and starts charging forward! Fortunately, I have the perfect song for this moment of dramatic tension. While it plays, you can keep lunging your way backwards or practice your favorite fighting stance as you get ready for a showdown!
[PHIL alternates between different voices for characters and his own voice for narration and exercise instructions]
PHIL CHEESEMAN: I have some bad news for you. While we were listening to that track, the wolf ate Red Riding Hood. “So rude.” “I agree, my dear. I thought the same thing when he gobbled me up not an hour ago.” “Granny, how are you still…” Look, sorry, losing track of the voices a bit there. I meant to say, “Granny, how are you still alive?” I don’t know much about biology, but this seems a bit far-fetched, like that time I told my mum that I had a separate stomach compartment for sweets, which is why I could be full from dinner and still want pudding. Uh, but that’s not the point.
Right now, we’re gonna help Red Riding Hood and Granny get out of their furry food prison with some wolf-fighting uppercuts! Begin by getting into boxing stance by standing with your feet shoulder-width apart, stepping back with your right foot and bending your elbows to put your fists up, left fist in front of your face as a guard and right closer to your body. Now to do an uppercut, bend your knees, rotate your right shoulder forward and push off with your right calf as you punch upwards with your right arm. Your right heel should rotate and release as you’re punching. Now return to your starting position and you’re ready for the next uppercut.
We’re going to give the wolf what for, first with 30 seconds of right-handed punches, then 30 from the left. Let’s go! 15 seconds in. Give that wolf what for! Halfway there, and Granny’s joined in with some well-placed jabs. Now switch sides to put your left leg behind and get ready to finish the job with your left fist. Only 15 seconds left. The wolf is ready to let you free, just keep going! And done. Back out the...way you came? Disgusting, but better than the alternative. Take a minute to wipe that pretend wolf slime off, or um… or keep practicing your punches in preparation for any future wolves during this next song.
[PHIL alternates between different voices for characters and his own voice for narration and exercise instructions]
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Great job! Red Riding Hood has all dried off and the wolf has passed out from what has got to be the world’s least pleasant meal. Red Riding Hood and Granny could slip away, but Red has an idea. Which, in case you think means ‘oh, we have sick minds,’ it’s actually part of the original story.
So Red’s idea is, “Grandma, let’s fill the wolf’s stomach with heavy rocks so he can’t chase any more people and eat them.” “Are you serious? Where’d you come up with these cockamamie ideas? What’s next, we build a house of gingerbread and cook small children for fun?” “That’s… oddly specific, Grandma, but no. I just know how our story is supposed to go. Trust me, I know a lot about this particular tale. I once played a wolf in a children’s troupe. I am an expert.” So the two agree to fill the wolf with rocks, and we’ll be helping them out with some squats.
Stand upright like before, with your arms out in front and your feet hip-width apart. Now sit backwards as if you were gonna sit into a chair, taking care that your knees stay behind your feet, just like you did when we were lunging. Go down as low as feels comfortable, and then stand back up, and there you have it.
Ready? Begin. 15 seconds in. Picture yourself picking a big rock out of the pile and lifting it up with each squat. Halfway through. Pile those rocks in the wolf’s stomach. He’ll be feeling that when he wakes up. 15 seconds of rock piling left to go. Take that, wolfie! Done! You’ve dumped every rock in sight into the wolf. Now all you have to do is wait to see what happens next, either by shaking out your legs or by squatting your way through this next song.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Great work. Now if we were in the original version of Red Riding Hood, the wolf would chase after Red and Granny across a river, where the rocks would weigh him down until he drowned. Well, as Zoe points out, you really can’t be that mad at a talking wolf for doing what talking wolves do. So our wolf, after waking up with a belly full of rocks, realizes that eating people is way too dangerous a lifestyle choice and decides to go to culinary school to learn how to cook plant-based food instead, eventually becoming an acclaimed vegan chef who releases several cookbooks about big, bad, bold flavors, the end.
It’s nice being able to rewrite a story like this so it works out better for all the characters involved. I think with so much outside our control right now, it’s good to remember that our imaginations are still our own and in them, we can make everything work out for the best. We may not know what comes next in our world, but I believe the spirit of optimism and invention can still help us all reach our own happy ever afters.
Codex[]
Letter[]
Hi Runner Five!
It’s Zoe here. I hope you’re doing well and staying as safe and sane as possible given the circumstances.
Settle this for us, would you? Doesn’t this extremely adorable and highly accurate artist’s rendition of Snuffles McCheeseman look EXACTLY like his namesake?
Phil insists I’m cheating by putting him in glasses made out of paper clips, but I disagree - Snuffles clearly has an inherent ~Cheeseman Aura~ about him, right? I mean, look at him!
Love,
Zoe
Supplies[]
The following supplies can be found in this mission.
(List may be incomplete.)
Baseball Bat
Board game
Candles
Cricket bat
Dress
First Aid Kit
Flashlight
Football
Laptop
Makeup
Mobile Phone
Overcoat
Pain Meds
Shirt
Shorts
Sports Bra
Trainers
Umbrella
Underwear
Whisky
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