"Phil Cheeseman Edition" is the sixth mission of The Home Front.
Public Broadcast Radio at its finest. Phil is stuck in the radio studio, so he might as well use his time to stay in touch.
Exercises[]
Cast[]
Scenes[]
Favourite Song
Hello ci-ti-zens! Phil is stuck in the radio studio, being stared at by Zoe's unicorn mug. No need to worry though! Zoe is safe in a mysterious location. Phil has been listening to Abel's lockdown exercise broadcasts, and has picked out his favourite exercises. Start with a warm up by moving to Zoe's favourite song. You can dance, do jumping jacks, or just wiggle your shoulders!
Rest and Celebrate
Apparently that isn't one of Zoe's favourite songs, as she has explained in a Rofflenet message to Phil. Phil has chosen exercises designed to get you ready to battle, starting with some Jabs. Stand with your legs shoulder-width apart, knees bent, and arms at your side. You can also stay seated if you need to! Bring your hands up to chin level and make fists. Then extend your arm just short of locking your elbow, like you're punching a zombie in the face, and bring your arm back to the starting position. 30 seconds for each arm! Time to rest and celebrate, but keep moving during the break!
Kitten Petting
Welcome back! Phil has been doing an interpretative victory dance to keep warm, while reading a message from Zoe about the merits of the film 'Snake Alley'. Now it's time to play defence with a Side-to-Side Shuffle, which should help you get away from danger. Get back into your fighting stance, but try to get a little lower, as if you were doing a half-squat. You can also stay seated and just move your feet! Take a bit step to the side with your right foot, then move your left foot into the space your right foot was in. Do that twice more, then repeat in the opposite direction. Try one minute of this, as quickly as you can. Then time for a rest and music suitable for petting kittens!
A Clue!
Zoe and Phil have made a bet; Phil has to turn away from violence, and instead lead everyone in Zoe's favourite exercise; Sit-Ups. Lie down on the ground with your knees bent so you can put your feet flat on the floor. There are a few options for how to do sit ups. You can start with your arms flat above your head, and use your stomach muscles to sit up and end with your hands flat on the ground next to your feet. You can raise a little less so you tap the tops of your knees instead. You can also put your hands just behind your ears or neck, but remember not to pull yourself up that way! When you've raised yourself, lower yourself back down in a controlled way. 60 seconds of these! Sounds like Phil won the bet!
Need to Think
Phil spent the break doing the robot, but he isn't very good at it. Zoe once said it looked like the Tin Man being electrocuted. Speaking of Zoe, she has given a clue about where she's holing up after losing the bet. He's going to try working it out while he does some cool down stretches. Unsurprisingly it involves cats! Phil needs to think about this, so why not keep stretching through the music?
Being Heard
Phil has figured it out! There was someone on Rofflenet asking for help with cat relocating. Zoe made a joke about cat herding, along the line of One Man and his Dog. Zoe must have been helping with the cat resettlement when the horde got loose. The kennel has access to Rofflenet and to the radio, as well as to many fluffy animals (and a couple of snakes). Hopefully, wherever you are, you've got something warm and comforting around you. Remember, we may be far apart, but it's good to know you're being heard. Stay safe out there!
Transcript[]
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hello, ci-ti-zens! Welcome to Radio Phil! [laughs] It’s not the most creative name, I know, but at least you know what you’re getting into. As you might have guessed, I’m here in the radio studio by myself waiting out our current lockdown. Not that different from any of you, I’m sure, though you probably have a lot fewer cables and chairs and odd knickknacks that your co-host Zoe has been collecting and now seem to be staring at you. Yes, unicorn mug, I am talking about you. [laughs] Now before you ask, there’s no need to worry about Zoe. She’s safe and sound in an "undisclosed location". [laughs] I’m fairly sure she’s not telling me just to make herself sound all mysterious.
You know what? Let’s chat a little less and move a little more. I’ve been picking up some of the broadcasts from Abel of Ministry workouts and I’ve chosen a few of my favorite exercises from the manual. But before we get started with those, let’s get moving. Uh, during this next song, do whatever you like to get your heart pumping. Dance, do jumping jacks, uh, wiggle your shoulders, [laughs] what have you. And Zoe, if you’re listening, I know this is one of your favorites, so wherever you are, I hope you’re moving.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Okay, it turns out that song isn’t one of Zoe’s favorites, and the reason I know that is she sent me a ROFFLEnet message saying so. And I quote, [imitate’s ZOE’s accent] “Phil, you numpty. I may be working like a dog where I am, but I still have time to listen to the show and if you don’t tell everyone how I really feel about that terrible dirge, a zombie horde will be the least of your worries.” No, because obviously sending ROFFLEnet messages to your poor co-host - who can keep track of your strange opinions on songs - is just the break you need from whatever it is you’re doing.
Well, luckily for you - and for me - the exercises I’ve picked for today are all about being ready for a battle. We’ll start our mano a zom-o routine with some jabs. Begin by getting into a basic zom punching stance. Stand with your legs shoulder-width apart, arms at your sides and knees a little bit bent. Uh, if you’d prefer, you can also stay seated. Now bring your hands up to chin level, slightly to either side and in front of your face, and curl your hands into fists. If you’re standing, take one step forward with your right foot.
Perfect. I can’t see you, but I’m sure you look just like uh… oh, that old movie poster for Snake Alley, which despite what Zoe claims, is definitely not a heartwarming action classic that will have you rooting for the snakes. [sighs] Now for each jab, you’re going to extend your right arm forward like you’re socking a zom in the face, stopping just short of fully locking out your elbows. To give that jab even more power, rotate your right shoulder forward as you throw the punch. Once your arm is all the way extended, bring it back to the starting position, and that’s a jab. [laughs]
Oh, ready to put into practice? Let’s do 30 seconds of jabs with your right arm. Go at your own pace and rest as you need to. Starting… now. That’s it, that’s it, right there. Oh yeah, you got that one! Oh, I saw his teeth fall out. Beautiful! Yeah, keep going. Yeah, you’re doing brilliant. Halfway through. If it helps, you can always picture punching your least favorite zom. Although does anyone really have a favorite zom? Ah, good style! And done.
Except, of course, that now we’ve got to jab from the other side. This time, put your left leg in front and jab with your left arm. I’ll put 30 more seconds on the clock. Starting...now. That’s it. Don’t forget, roll in that shoulder. Beautiful, wonderful. Yeah. Very, very good. 15 seconds. And you got that one right in the eye! Or the jaw. Definitely somewhere painful. Keep going. Ah, wonderfully done. And we’re done. Shake those arms out and get ready to do a victory lap while I play something appropriately heroic. If you think you’ve got a few more jabs in you, you can keep going during the break. But otherwise, this is your time to rest and celebrate.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: W-w-welcome back! I hope you enjoyed celebrating your triumph. I did a bit of an interpretive victory dance myself, uh, while reading a very thorough explanation by one Zoe Crick of the merits of Snake Alley. Apparently, [imitates ZOE’s accent] “It starred the most adorable boa constrictor with the cutest little tongue ever seen on the screen.” As I recall, it eats a full-grown man in the middle of act two, but to each their own.
Now where were we? Oh yes. You’ve delivered your jabs, and now it’s time to play a little defense with a side to side shuffle. This move lets you get out of the way of any danger, whether that’s a zom or a vicious yet somehow adorable snake. Let’s start by getting back in that fighting stance, legs shoulder-width apart, knees slightly bent, and fists up. This time, try to get a little lower, as if you were thinking about doing a squat but changed your mind halfway down. If you’d prefer, though, you can stay standing all the way up or do the exercise seated and just move your feet, whatever works best for you.
Instead of stepping forward, this time you’ll step straight out to the right with your right foot. No need to take a big step, but you’ll want your feet to be further apart than they were before. Now step your left foot into the space that your right foot was in before it moved. It’s almost like your right foot is you and your left foot is the zombie trying to catch you, but never quite making it. Now do the same thing two more times, right foot stepping straight over to the right and then left foot taking its place. And that’s a side shuffle to the right. To go back the way you came from, start with your left foot, taking it to the left, and then having your right foot try to catch up. Do that two more times and you’ve side shuffled right back to where you started. Just shake your legs out to relax them.
Now the side shuffle is meant to be used to do quick dodging and weaving, so let’s get back in our stance and pick up the pace. Go as quickly as works for you, shuffling first to the right and then back to the left. Let’s do this for a minute, if you can. And go! That’s 15 seconds. Right now I’m shuffling over to ROFFLEnet because someone is sending me messages instead of doing their training, but you keep going. Halfway through, and here’s a tip from Zoe. “If you have extra energy at the end of each shuffle, reach down with the arm on the side you were shuffling towards and pretend you’re picking up a kitten to cuddle.” Only 15 seconds to go. I know your legs are burning, but you can do this! Leave those zoms in the dust! And done! [laughs] Nice work.
[sighs] Oh, time for a rest, I think. Here’s some music perfect for stroking cats - just for you, Zoe - or more shuffling, if you feel up to it.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: And we’re back again, just in time for a little wager. [laughs] Zoe’s made me a bet during our dance-slash-rest break. If I win, she reveals her secret location. If she wins, I have to play the soundtrack to the climactic Snake Alley Rattlesnake Tango, and none of us want that, trust me. So here’s the wager: I have to turn away from simulated zombie violence and instead successfully lead you through one of Zoe’s favorite exercises, the sit-up, which actually could be used to lie in wait in tall grass and then pop up to grab a zombie by the leg, so it fits with our zombie battle royale theme of the day.
Ready? Start by laying down on your back on the floor. If you have a yoga mat or even a folded blanket or towel, you can lay on that to give your body something softer to rest on. Even the carpet would be good so that you’re not directly on a hard floor. Bring your knees up so that the bottoms of your feet are flat on the ground. Now it’s time to pick your range of motion. The larger it is, the more energy and strength the sit-up takes, so we’ll start big and then talk about a few ways to modify.
Option one is to start with your arms back behind you so that the backs of your hands are resting on the floor. Now you’re going to use your stomach muscles to raise your torso from a lying to an upright position. Your arms will come all the way forward and tap the ground on either side of your feet. If coming that far doesn’t work for you, you can raise your torso a little less and tap on the top of your knees instead.
You can also vary your starting arm position by either putting the fingertips of each hand just behind each ear so that your arms almost look like wings, or resting them gently on your legs. Just remember that if your fingers are behind your head, don’t tug on your ears or head or hair to come up, it’s not good for your neck. Once you are all the way upright, lower your upper body back to your starting position in a controlled motion. Try not to just flop down. Okay, let’s try one more slowly. Come up and then go down. Wonderful.
Zoe, I hope you’re ready to reveal all your secrets - or at least this particular one, anyway - because we’re putting 60 seconds on the clock to do as many sit-ups as we can. Start your sit-ups… now! Ah, you’re doing great! We’re 15 seconds in and I’m sure Zoe has already conceded defeat. Keep going. Halfway through! Remember to only sit up as far as you can manage without overstraining yourself. Only 15 seconds left to go! You’ve got this. And we’re done!
You all did wonderfully, which means that Zoe has to give us a clue about where she’s riding out this lockdown. While we wait for that, stand back up and let’s get ready for our reveal with one more dance break. Try using the time to do that dance move you’ve always loved but might have been a bit embarrassed to do in public? Now’s the time.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hope you enjoyed the dance break. [laughs] I’ll be honest with you, I spent it doing the robot. I’m not very good at it. I think Zoe once described it as looking like the Tin Man suddenly got electrocuted. And then fell into a swimming pool. And then got electrocuted again. [laughs] She doesn’t mince her words, I’ll give her that. Which means she should have plenty to say about where she’s holed up while we stretch out. You can do whatever stretch works best for you. I’m going to start with bringing my left arm across my chest and supporting it with my right while trying to puzzle out this first clue.
[imitates ZOE’s accent] “Wherever I am, I can tell you this: it’s the cat’s meow.” Well, that’s about as much use as a chocolate fire guard. Though Zoe did make that reference to scooping up kittens earlier, and if anyone could manage to find a cat in the middle of a zombie lockdown, it would be her. And now switching arms, just in time for a hopefully much better clue, which is, [imitates ZOE’s accent] “It’s just one woman and her cats here. Honestly Phil, I’m starting to think you don’t even listen when I tell you things.” One woman and her cats… hmm. I need to think about this. Listeners, uh, why don’t you carry on stretching through this next song? Or have a go at some dancing yourself, if the mood takes you. You can’t be any worse at the robot than I am.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: I figured it out. Zoe’s secret hideout. One woman and her cats. There was a person on ROFFLEnet who asked for help relocating cats from a house that had fallen into disrepair before this whole zombie situation began. I remember now. I said something about professional cat herding and Zoe came up with a whole scheme for a competition. Like that old sheepdog show, One Man and His Dog, only with cats and treats and lots of jumping.
Stretching obviously gets my brain working. Oh, uh, next I’m bringing my left arm over my head and leaning to the right while I puzzle the rest out. Hmm. Zoe must have been helping with the cat resettlement when the zombies got loose, and the kennel has access to the radio and to ROFFLEnet. That has to be it. Not to mention that the kennel also has dogs, rabbits, a turtle, and even a couple of snakes. Switching to my right arm overhead and leaning to the left to give Zoe time to congratulate me for being the next best thing to Sherlock Holmes.
Oh. [imitates ZOE’s accent] “Yes, Phil, I am at the kennel. Only one here, so I’ve got plenty of animals to keep me in line. Not so different from our show, really. But in truth, I miss you and I look forward to doing the show together and preventing you from playing that one ridiculous song ever again.” [sighs] Me too, Zoe. Me, too. Well, I hope that wherever you all are, you’ve got something warm and comforting around you, like a cuddly toy, or the sound of a friendly voice. And thanks for listening. We may be far from each other, but it’s always good to know you’re being heard. So for now, Cheeseman out.
Codex[]
Letter[]
Hi Runner Five,
Thanks for tuning in today! Sorry if I sounded a little daffy - I know anthropomorphising the furniture and doing impressions of your co-hosts might not make for the best radio, but I think we're all struggling a little with not being able to see each other in person lately. You know, it's funny - I think this might actually be the longest time Zoe and I have spent apart since... blimey, Radio New Tomorrow! It all feels a bit off these days, doesn't it?
Still, I'm glad that if I have to be stuck indoors anywhere, that it's the radio studio. Being able to continue broadcasting and reaching out to people has been a bit of a godsend, to tell the truth - I think I'd be a lot more miserable if I didn't have a way to stay in touch with all of you. And as much as I’m looking forward to having her back, I'm glad Zoe's somewhere safe too- though I suspect she’s probably having an easier time of things than a lot of us. Being surrounded by kittens AND having a mandated reason to stay inside and avoid people? That's practically her preferred state of being!
Anyway, I won't keep you too long - I should probably check in with the others and see if there've been any updates. I hope you're doing well and staying safe, Runner Five. Take care of yourself, and we’ll talk again soon!
All the best,
Phil
Supplies[]
The following supplies can be found in this mission.
(List may be incomplete.)
Board game
Flashlight
Football
Mobile Phone
Pain Meds
Shorts
Sports Bra
Underwear
Whisky
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