"Lessons in Love" is the seventh mission of Season 6.
Tagging along on Maxine and Paula's date night turns out to be an epic adventure.
Cast[]
- Sam Yao
- Paula Cohen
- Maxine Myers
- Harold Wincher
Crew[]
- Writer: Naomi Alderman
- Director: Matt Wieteska
- Sound Designer: Mark Pittam
- Series Created By: Naomi Alderman
Plot[]
The Kids Are The Worst[]
Maxine's arranged this mission with you and Paula - on date night no less - and Paula is less than pleased. Officially you're collecting cables, unofficially you're picking up Xena DVDs.
Blake's 7 And Plastic Lightsabers[]
Sam, Maxine and Paula discuss the rumour that this warehouse is home to a dangerous nerd cult. Maxine doesn't believe that anyone broadcasting Xena could be bad.
Just Here For Xena[]
Once inside the warehouse you find some of the pickers still at work. Unfortunately they are now zombies, and have spotted you, so you'll have to run!
In The Shadows[]
You evade the zombies by hiding in a storage cupboard, which luckily contains the very items you're looking for! The zombies you avoided are now trapped so you can leave, but Sam sees something else on cams...
Need To Get Out Of Here![]
Sam now has a clear view of what's chasing you, and it appears to be a mob of angry, costumed nerds. Looks like those rumours were true!
That Was Amazing[]
You try to hide from the mob, but to no avail. It seems they plan to re-enact the end of The Wicker Man and burn you alive! Maxine saves the day by fighting fandom with fandom - shaming the mob into backing down.
Leave The Doctors To It[]
Safely on the way back to Abel, Paula concedes that the mission was actually a pretty good date night. It's clear you're now a third wheel however, so Sam suggests an alternate route home.
S06E07 // Rofflenet[]
Discussion regarding this mission can be found on Rofflenet
Transcript[]
MAXINE MYERS: Wait, wait. So and Nadia’s gone to work with Amelia because Amelia’s taken over New Canton?
SAM YAO: Not so much taken over as, um… well, yeah. Taken over. But it’s not like she’s running things for them. She’s got them mostly running things for her. She’s just very… you know. Decisive.
PAULA COHEN: People do like a decisive leader. And I suppose they can’t do much worse than they were before. Any word on the location of the babies?
SAM YAO: Mm, no. We’re working on it. Even the Laundry can’t find anything for us. You see, ideally, we need someone inside Sigrid’s inner circle, but well, that’s going to be hard to arrange. In the meantime, getting parts for this transmitter of Jody’s is a good start.
MAXINE MYERS: So that’s what we’re heading to this comms station for. We’ve caught snatches of their transmissions. We know they are bound to have the cables that Jody needs. I, for one, am glad to be serving Abel.
PAULA COHEN: It didn’t need to be us, though, did it? Tom was going to go, and you insisted we went instead. Five, has Maxine told you the real reason she wanted to go on this mission?
MAXINE MYERS: For Abel?
PAULA COHEN: It’s because she hasn’t been able to find any copies of Xena: Warrior Princess since the apocalypse, and that just happens to be what this place is broadcasting.
MAXINE MYERS: That’s just a coincidence! Back me up, Sam.
SAM YAO: Oh whoa-ho-ho, no. No, no, no. You two can leave me out of this. Remember our co-parenting contract?
MAXINE MYERS: I don’t think that really applies…
SAM YAO: Oh yes, it does. I can read you the exact clause. When we agreed to be co-parents, I got it from both of you, in writing, that I would never, ever be asked to adjudicate in a row.
PAULA COHEN: Fine. Five, listen to this: Max volunteered us for a mission, on date night - a date night where I was planning to make latkes - because she has a crush on Xena flipping Warrior whatever.
MAXINE MYERS: You’ve never seen Xena: Warrior Princess?! [laugh] Right, we need to make that right immediately.
SAM YAO: Yeah. Guys, before you get Xena: Warrior Princess, you’re going to have to make it through that playground full of child zombies. I think they must have been trapped in the school until the storm the other day.
MAXINE MYERS: Oh God! The kids are the worst! Run!
SAM YAO: Okay, I think you lost them. Hey, it’s weird, though. That school playground’s been safe for months. I’ve got the report here. We sent in runners to check it clear, room by room, last month.
PAULA COHEN: You think it could be a deliberate deployment, then? By the comms station?
SAM YAO: Mm, maybe. I mean, it’s a bit weird for a comms station, to be honest. Not only are they broadcasting Xena, their building used to be a distribution center for Geek King. You know, you know, the online retailer.
MAXINE MYERS: Yep. Which is why they have access to Xena DVDs.
PAULA COHEN: I’m surprised it hasn’t been cleared out before now. People always want DVDs and stuff.
SAM YAO: [imitates Boromir from the Lord of the Rings] “Ah, but one does not simply get DVDs during a zombie apocalypse.”
MAXINE MYERS: There’s a dumbass rumour that this warehouse is full of kind of extreme nerds. Dangerous. Murdery.
SAM YAO: The Winchers. Like, imagine nerds, but if they went feral. Took cosplays too far, reenacted all the goriest parts of the stuff they’re into. The rumor is they used to be 4chan “alpha male” believers, and then the zombie apocalypse came, and they blamed the "feminazis", and - [sighs] they just went down that rabbit hole and just kept on going.
MAXINE MYERS: They’re broadcasting Xena. No one who broadcasts Xena could be an evil man.
SAM YAO: What, even if they’re setting zombie traps around their perimeter?
MAXINE MYERS: Well, we don’t know that was them. We’ll probably find some people holed up in there, sending out Xena clips to make contact with other fans. We’ll get the cables and come back later with everyone’s orders for specific Blake’s 7 episodes and plastic lightsabers. [laughs] It’s going to be great. Come on!
[door creaks open and clangs shut]
SAM YAO: Are you in?
MAXINE MYERS: We’re in. This place is huge! And… kind of spooky.
[zombie moans]
PAULA COHEN: Uh oh. Not all the warehouse pickers are gone. Some of them have turned zombie. Look, they’re still at work trying to fill internet orders. See that one stacking Game of Thrones box sets?
SAM YAO: Ooh, ooh! Do they have the last season? Because I never -
MAXINE MYERS: No, Sam. We’re just here for Xena. I mean, Xena and those cables. Anyway, we’ve got to move fast. I think that one of them spotted us.
MAXINE MYERS: Quick, into this storeroom.
[door creaks open and snaps shut]
PAULA COHEN: Wait, this is the transmission room. See? There’s the broadcasting equipment.
MAXINE MYERS: Yes. These are the cables, and - !
PAULA COHEN: Oh, the DVDs. Xena: Warrior Princess. Let’s see. You know you said I’m your Gabrielle, but looking at this, maybe you’re the Gabrielle and I’m the Xena.
MAXINE MYERS: Honey, you have never seen the show. How can you possibly know who’s the Xena?
PAULA COHEN: Uh, because she’s the one who has Warrior Princess in her name? I know what you like.
SAM YAO: Okay, I’ve got the cams up. Uh, yup, it’s clear for you to come out of there. Those zoms are trapped in an aisle of Funko figures. Oh my God!
MAXINE MYERS: What? What is it?
SAM YAO: Well, they’ve got an Ursula from The Little Mermaid! Do you have any idea how – well, dear God, don’t eat it! Look, if you pass those Funkos on your way out – oh God! I need another camera. There’s something coming, in the shadows. Someone. Guys, I think you should get out of there. Go, now!
SAM YAO: Yeah, okay. Guys, just really keep running. I’ve got more cams up, and [sighs] no, it doesn’t look good.
PAULA COHEN: More zoms?
SAM YAO: I don’t really know how to say this, guys. It appears to be Voldemort.
MAXINE MYERS: What? Voldemort is coming after us?
PAULA COHEN: Someone dressed as Voldemort.
SAM YAO: Well, I guess. It just looks so like him! Ugh, no! I just got a full face view. Actually no nose.
PAULA COHEN: Someone who has dressed up as Voldemort, and taken it so seriously, they’ve cut off their own nose?
SAM YAO: He’s heading your way. And oh. Oh! He has a mob behind him.
MAXINE MYERS: Death Eaters?
SAM YAO: More like Ewoks, or um, Daleks? But sort of a costume mash-up? They’re Darwoks? Ewoleks? Oh, that is so wrong.
PAULA COHEN: I can hear them. Oh God, they sound so weird!
MAXINE MYERS: It’s not just weird, it’s them. Winchers are very real. Okay, I can admit when I was wrong. They’re not going to be our friends. We are not going to reenact Xena together. We’ve got our DVDs, we’ve got our cables. We need to get out of here.
SAM YAO: Uh, okay, okay. Yeah, uh, right, then left, then third right. Go. Run!
MOB: [chants in the background] Sacrifice! Sacrifice…
PAULA COHEN: Sam, this is a dead end. And it’s dark.
SAM YAO: Yeah. They’ve turned off the lights. And I think they’ve cut access to half my cams!
MAXINE MYERS: Where are the Winchers?
SAM YAO: Uh… no, I can’t see them on the cams.
PAULA COHEN: If we hide here for a while, maybe they’ll lose interest and we’ll get away.
[door opens, MOB chants in background]
WINCHER: Oh, I don’t think you’ll be getting away. Not now, or ever!
MAXINE MYERS: Oh God, it’s Voldemort. Ugh, your nose! Did you do that to yourself?
WINCHER: Call me...Harold! Harold Wincher! And I was Voldemort, but now I am – [chokes] Ah. Sorry. Uh, could somebody help me with my robe? It was meant to fall dramatically to the floor by itself, but it snagged on the Elder Wand.
MAXINE MYERS: Sam, get us out of here!
WINCHER: I am… Lord Summerisle! … It’s uh, it’s from The Wicker Man. Look, I had to put it together very hastily when we saw you approaching, and he doesn’t have the same striking look as our old Voldy. But you know, I’ve yet to actually master Avada Kedavra, but everyone loves a barbecue!
SAM YAO and MAXINE MYERS and PAULA COHEN: What?!
SAM YAO: The end of The Wicker Man! They burn Edward Woodward alive! I think the Winchers are going to reenact that. Guys!
MAXINE MYERS: The mob are going to burn us alive!
PAULA COHEN: This was meant to be a date night.
WINCHER: Ewoks! Daleks! Seize them! Bind them to the poles!
SAM YAO: Yeah, I’ve got a clear eye line on the mob now. Oh my God, this is so many kinds of horrible. Uh, they’re all in costume, but that one is wearing a Sith Lord robe with a Time Lord headdress. How could you?! Also, guys, most of their costumes are bloodstained. They’re really for real.
PAULA COHEN: Maxie, if this is it, I’m sorry I was so whiny about coming here. I love spending time with you. I can’t believe I was jealous of your stupid show. I love you, Max.
MAXINE MYERS: Paula, I know, love. I do. And we’ve been through too much for it to end up like this. Right? They are crazy fans. I am a crazy fan. I know how to get under their skin. Wincher. Harold Wincher.
WINCHER: How may I help you, heathen? A last request before you are condemned to the flames?
MAXINE MYERS: Yes. My request is: be better! [MOB quiets] Harold, this reenactment is terrible! You’re just wearing an Aran jumper. Lord Summerisle had a tweed jacket. Your mob of supposedly bloodthirsty pagan villagers look like they’ve run naked through the merch hall of Comic-Con, covered in glue! [MOB grumbles] And we’re meant to be burned in a wicker man, not tied to poles!
WINCHER: Okay, but the wicker man is a very big prop. We had no lead time, and – oh God, she’s right. This is a mess! None of you are even standing like bloodthirsty pagan villagers! I – look, I’m sorry. This was a rush job, and it shows. All right, take five. Let them go.
PAULA COHEN: That was amazing, Max.
MAXINE MYERS: Not now, honey. Quick, before they change their minds. Run!
PAULA COHEN: Okay, I have to admit, that was a pretty good date night for someone who likes seeing her girlfriend save the day by being brilliant.
MAXINE MYERS: What can I say? I’m pretty motivated when I’m trying to get home so I can watch Xena with my hot girlfriend… maybe dress up in my old Xena outfit for my hot girlfriend… reenact a few Xena bathing scenes with my hot girlfriend.
PAULA COHEN: Xena outfit, you say? Like the one on the DVD box? Mm, I don’t hate it.
MAXINE MYERS: Oh, mine is way better than that. I made it from scrap metal in my spare time. What? [laughs] Isn’t that what anyone would do in their spare time? [laughs] [continue chatting in the background]
SAM YAO: Hey, Five, now you’ve got those cables, I think I’ve worked out an alternative route home for you. How about you and me take a little detour and leave the doctors to it, hmm?
Codex[]
Letter[]
Found this while we were in the warehouse - thought you might want to see what that cult has been up to!
- Maxine
But now for the news you’ve all been waiting for: we’ve confirmed our sci-fi and fantasy convention programme! We’re calling this convention “ConTaminate”. Get it? Like “Con” for convention and “contaminate” for…well, you get the idea. The schedule will follow in the next few days!
- Sacrifice: join us in opening the convention with a sacrifice. We have a surprise guest joining us! - Kaffeklatsch with Neil Gaiman: a convention staple, coffee with Neil should prove illuminating, undead or not! - Workshop: Robe Making: want to be a jedi, Death Eater or a wizard? We’ll be teaching you how to throw together a robe you can use for any cosplay! - Panel: The Rest of Westeros?: George R.R. Martin was bitten before he could complete his series - we'll explore what might have happened in the Game of Thrones! - The Zombies Awards: our posthumous award shows for the fan-voted zombies. - Closing Ceremonies: mark the end of ConTaminate with - you guessed it! - another sacrifice to Cthulhu.
Supplies[]
The following supplies can be found in this mission.
(List may be incomplete.)
Axe
Bandages
Cricket bat
Hearing Aid
Laptop
Matches
Mobile Phone
Overcoat
Playing cards
Radio
Rope
Tampons
Tinned Food
Toothbrush
Trousers
Underwear
USB Key
Base Unlocks[]
The following objects unlock for your Base upon completing this mission.
Warehouse
- Description: Abel's become a real hub, so there's a need to store everything that's made and is passing through. You can find everything from scavenged special ops equipment to rare DVDs here!
- Cost: 250 supplies, 1 material (level 1); 400 supplies, 2 materials (level 2); 500 supplies, 4 materials (level 3)
- Effect: Increases population by 20 (level 1); increases morale and population by 20 (level 2); increases morale and max. population by 30 (level 3).
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