"Battle at Rackthorn" is the twenty-eighth mission of The Home Front.
Janine leads you in battle against the giant spiders at Rackthorn Castle! Can you lay waste to the arachnids?
EXERCISES: High Knees, Side-to-Side Hop, Plyometric Double Knee Jump, Forearm Plank, Air Punch
Cast[]
Plot[]
Tactical Theory[]
Janine is broadcasting today and lets everyone know Runner Five is safe and well. When Thurman met Five at the top of the lift shaft, he just turned and walked away. If Five is listening, you will be rescued soon. Janine has found Sam's notes for a supposedly unwinnable Demons & Darkness campaign and believes she can win it – as long as you can keep up with the workout.
Spilled Tea[]
Janine plunges you into the campaign. You enter Castle Rackthorn's packed feasting hall and climb its staircase towards your summoner. For the next minute, do High Knees on the spot as you ascend. The castle has been besieged by giant spiders shortly after your arrival and it will be your mission to join the knights in battling them while the castle evacuates.
Cleared Traps[]
You enter a bedchamber where King Sigmund is slumped over a desk, bejewelled and asleep. You spot a secret passage but before you enter must steal one of the King's gold chains. This wakes the King, who shouts at you as you escape, calling you Doref. He activates an arrow-shooter and you must dodge the arrows! Use Hopping Side-to-Side for one minute. You evade the arrows and head towards the tunnel's exit.
Chocolate Notes[]
You emerge in a woodland glade full of giant spiders. To move among them you must jump from one of their backs to another! Jumping on the Spot is ideal for this – make sure to keep your knees bent. You escape the spiders and make for a waterfall upriver.
Spider Caves[]
Casting the King's chain into the Water Elemental river satisfies its desire for treasure and the waterfall sweeps to one side, revealing a cave. However, the river wants yet more treasure and a great wave follows you as you enter the cave. You climb the cave wall. Assume a Plank for a minute or more to keep you steady while the waves crash around you. This is where the spiders have been coming from – where their master must be.
Water Tendril[]
Deep inside the cave you discover Doref, the King's chief warlock and advisor, commanding the spiders. He sees you and whispers to a crystal in his hands, causing the spiders to charge – the crystal must control them. One minute of Air Punching should see them off. Doref has been plotting to overthrow the King! The Water Elemental river crashes after you and you direct it at the crystal treasure in Doref's hand. That and your thrown sword dislodge it and the burst of energy created when it shatters collapses the cave. You flee, but the river drags Doref back in, hungry for his glittering rings.
Major Rewriting[]
Sam's back! Janine was called away and he's finished baking. She's... she's what? Cool down? Castle Rackthorn is saved?! You weren't meant to reach Doref yet and the spiders should have been impossible to evade! Looks like Sam has a lot of rewriting to do.
Transcript[]
JANINE DE LUCA: Hello, listeners. Colonel De Luca here, and I must warn you, today’s fitness session may differ from your expectations. Do begin warming up. Stretch out, or commence jogging on the spot. Before I begin this workout, I will repeat my briefing for runners in the field who are concerned for Runner Five’s well-being: Runner Five is safe and well. Repeat, Five is safe and well.
We do not know how Artemus Thurman found his way to the top of the lift shaft before Five got there. We can only presume he knows the secrets of Spectrum Mall better than any of us. However, for reasons we also do not understand, he simply looked at Runner Five for a few moments and then walked away. Five is now back in the camping shop in the Spectrum Mall. I have personally instructed Five on how to board up and secure the entrance to the underground village. If you are listening, Five, we will rescue you.
And for that purpose, we all need to be fitter than ever, which brings us to this so-called workout. Of late, Mr. Yao has been littering Abel’s comm facilities with notes from his [paper rustles] "Demons and Darkness" campaign, a type of fantastical war game, I believe. Normally I am not one to engage with Mr. Yao’s absurdities, but certain notes have caught my eye: a scenario entitled Battle at Rackthorn, in which a castle is besieged, a situation not dissimilar to our own, trapped in our shelters, surrounded by zombies.
The siege is described as unwinnable, something I have never countenanced in tactical exercises. Indeed, examining the particulars, it seems to me there is an obvious way to win, provided my solution is within the bounds of physical endurance. So in the coming break, you may continue warming up or rest, and when we return, you will test my solution.
You will adopt the motions required of Mr. Yao’s fantasy hero to prove his war game can be resolved, but I must emphasize, this will not be one of Mr. Yao’s cleaning romps. It is an exercise in tactical theory intended to test my thinking and keep your minds and bodies sharp. When the break ends, be assured, I will be pushing you to your very limits, and this absolutely most certainly will not be any fun.
JANINE DE LUCA: Now, during my tactical training days, I often undertook simulated exercises. For such sessions, it is vital to fully invest in the scenario. So direct your mind to accept the following field conditions: you are a bold adventurer. Having bested the mighty Abhorroghast, you have been summoned to Castle Rackthorn, a hilltop fortress. The castle’s feasting hall surrounds you, a vast stone chamber lit by flaming torches. [flames crackle]
The hall is packed with frightened, wide-eyed peasants. [crowd chatters] Pushing past them to the back of the hall, you find a staircase. The man who summoned you is at the top. The staircase is a spiral of unevenly-sized stone blocks rising through a turret. You must ascend quickly.
For the next minute, run on the spot, lifting your knees as high as you can and swinging your arms. High knee running will keep your strides large enough to avoid tripping on the irregular steps. Begin. [rapid echoing footsteps] As you ascend, you pass a window. Outside, knights crowd the battlements, armor shining in the moonlight. Beyond them, a horde of gigantic spiders claw at the castle walls.
The castle was besieged shortly after your arrival. Nobody knows where the spiders hail from, though rumors say they were bred by dark magics in nearby caves. [swords clash] Maintain your pace. According to Mr. Yao’s story notes, you were to join with the knights to battle the spiders while the castle evacuates before it inevitably falls...though Mr. Yao has overlooked better uses for your sword, I think.
You are nearing the top. That is one minute passed. Unfortunately, Mr. Yao has spilled tea over the notes describing the dimensions of the castle. I judge one minute to be a sound minimum for reaching the top of the stairs, but if you would like to keep running in the break, by all means consider it a reasonable addition to Mr. Yao’s campaign.
JANINE DE LUCA: Atop the spiral staircase, there is a wooden door slightly ajar. Entering, you find a bedchamber, its walls covered by oak bookshelves. Slumped over a desk, there is a bearded man wearing thick gold chains and red velvet robes, snoring. The man is King Sigmund, the castle’s cowardly ruler who has given in to despair at the spider horde, retreating into his cups. Near the king, you notice a bookcase drawn away from the wall, revealing a stone tunnel beyond, a secret passage.
You must snatch a gold chain from the king’s neck. I believe the rules of the game mandate a dice roll to judge your success. [dice clatter] Ah. You successfully snatch a gold chain, but the king is woken from his drunken doze. As you dart into the secret passage, he rants - Mr. Yao specifies a Scottish accent for the king. Odd, in a world with no Scotland. Very well, for the sake of the simulation -
“Stop, blaggard! Doref, is that you? You’ll never take this castle as long as I’m alive!” While you plunge through the secret tunnel, the king pulls a lever by his desk. Arrows shoot from hidden mechanisms in the ceiling above you. Listeners, balance on one foot with your knees and arms bent. Now hop to one side, landing on the ball of your opposite foot, then hop back again. One minute of side-to-side hopping will simulate you dodging your way through the tunnel. Go!
Racing down the passage, you hear the king’s distant ranting descend into pitiful sobs. You continue dodging as arrows strike the floor around you. Halfway there. Mr. Yao has described the king as "a vicious, petty oaf who exiled even his most trusted advisor in a fit of paranoia". The passage is lit by torches which grow fewer and fewer as you advance. Continue your evasive action. You are nearing the end.
You feel fresh air on your face. The darkness ahead must conceal an exit. The arrows have stopped. You’ve likely cleared the traps. You can stop dodging, though if you’d rather continue during the break, that would be a reasonable abundance of caution, given your current position.
JANINE DE LUCA: You emerge from the secret passage into a woodland glade far from the castle. Behind you is a scarp of stone. Before you is a group of enormous spiders, each the width of a wagon, far too large to storm the secret passage. A hundred eyes gleam under starlight and hairy mouthparts twitch. [spiders hiss and chitter]
To your left, there is a boulder. Clamber atop it quickly. Now the dimensions of these spiders are clearly laid out in Mr. Yao’s creature compendium. Their abdomens are bulbous and they cannot reach their own backs. To get past, you must jump across the spiders, leaping from abdomen to abdomen.
Jumping on the spot will serve for the motion. Keep jumping for one minute, landing with your knees bent. Go. The spiders move their mouthparts in odious glee as they perceive how close you are. The spiders are trying to shake you off their backs as you move from hideous body to hideous body. Jump faster.
[dice clatter] You’re halfway over the spiders. One leaps towards you, but you are able to duck it. I must admit, these dice are a fair simulator of the luck element in any engagement, though the bright colors are unnecessary. You are almost across the spiders. They hunger for your living flesh. Do not slow. One minute elapsed.
You have jumped across the spiders, landing beyond their reach, and may stop jumping. You have a fair start on the monsters, but they are giving chase. Ahead, between tall trees, you spot a river. [water flows] The river descends from a waterfall uphill and is crowded with slippery rocks. Jump onto the rocks, then leap up river toward the waterfall.
Regrettably, Mr. Yao has smeared chocolate over his notes on the local geography, so the distance to the waterfall is unclear. To compensate, please keep jumping for as long as you can manage in the coming break.
[water flows]
JANINE DE LUCA: You near the waterfall. The spiders are some way behind, slipping on the rocks. Approaching the fall, you cast the king’s gold chain into the water. Abruptly, the waterfall sweeps aside, revealing a cave. According to Mr. Yao, the fall is a water elemental which guards the cave, but has a weakness for glittering treasure. Your offer has bought passage. Rather reminds me of bribing enemy patrols with bullion in the Caucasus.
Unfortunately, the elemental is too impressed by the offering. Suspecting you have more gold, it summons a wave to wash you under the river. As you enter the cave, you hear a great rush of water coming from ahead. You climb the cave wall to your right. There is a crack in the wall just below the cave roof with a thin ledge opposite. You can wedge your feet in the crack and lean on the ledge.
Adopt a plank position, lying on your front with your weight on your forearms and toes. Hold that for one minute from now. [wave splashes] The first wave washes over your head and you’re almost swept away. Hold on! The wave washes through the cave, seemingly endless. Hold fast. Now the first wave has passed, your perch is just above the water line. The wave is still coming. Fortunately, it washes away the spiders chasing you as they enter the cave. Water is still rushing below you, but you can feel the wave waning. Maintain the plank!
The wave has died down, leaving only puddles in the cave. The elemental should be too tired to summon another, but feel free to plank a little longer in the break, just in case. Otherwise, climb down and rest. The dark cave lies ahead, beckoning, for this is the cave system the spiders hail from, and deep within its heart, you are sure to find their master.
JANINE DE LUCA: Deep within the caves in a dank cavern filled with luminous blue moss, you discovered a hunched figure in a black cloak sitting amid a circle of giant arachnids, all bent in supplication. The figure has long dark hair and many jeweled rings. He is Doref, the king’s chief warlock and most trusted adviser. Plainly, he commands the spiders.
Mr. Yao describes Doref’s treachery as "shocking", which is naive. In my experience, political advisors are often complicit in coup d'etat. In any case, Doref sees you and shoots to his feet. There is a glowing shard of crystal cupped in his hands. He whispers to it and the spiders charge. You must fend them off.
[spiders hiss and chitter]
Since it is doubtful many listeners will have a sword to hand, one minute of punching air will suffice to simulate combat. Begin punching now. The spiders reel from your blows. but Doref seems confident of victory. Doref mocks you. “For too long, I have schemed to overthrow that cowardly king. I won’t let you stop me now! Rip and tear, my spiders!” Unhelpfully, Mr. Yao has simply specified “evil voice” for the warlock. I trust that was a fair attempt. [dice clatter] However, the dice are against you. Few spiders lie slain. Keep fighting. As Doref whispers to his crystal, more spiders appear from the shadows. Clearly, the crystal controls them.
You have survived one minute and bought yourself a temporary reprieve, but spiders keep coming. As you rest, a horizontal column of water comes crashing into the cavern, thrashing like a snake. [water splashes] It is the water elemental, still seeking your life. Thinking swiftly, you point at Doref’s crystal, and the elemental, entranced by the shine, descends upon it. Quickly, while Doref is distracted, aim your sword at the crystal and throw it. [dice clatter] A 20, excellent! Your sword smashes the crystal from Doref’s hand while he gapes at the elemental. The crystal shatters, releasing an explosion of incandescent magical energy.
Around you, the cavern begins to shake and collapse. To your left, you spot a tunnel to the surface. As you flee, Doref leaps to follow, but the rings on his fingers have caught the elemental’s attention and a tendril of water drags him back into the collapsing cavern. You have nearly escaped, but if you’d like to keep exercising over the break, feel free to strike an additional spider or two as you climb toward the surface.
SAM YAO: Hey folks, it’s Sam here. Janine was called off on urgent business, so she asked me to take over the broadcast. I’ve been busy baking in the kitchens, but she’s left a note to catch me up.
“Dear listeners, begin cooldown jogging. Congratulations! Many of you have confirmed completion of the simulation via ROFFLEnet. Your character has escaped the collapsing caves and the warlock has been crushed behind you. With the crystal gone, the spider horde is scattered. Castle Rackthorn has been saved and the villain slain, far more efficiently than in Mr. Yao’s planned story.”
I don’t… are these… are these my D&D notes? Oh no! No! You’re not supposed to get to Doref yet! All the obstacles… it’s supposed to be impossible! That can’t… how did you get past the spiders? [sighs] Listeners, I think um… yeah, I think we’re going to have to end the session here. It’s about time anyway, which is good because uh… because it-it looks like I’ve got some major rewriting on my hands. Oh boy. [sighs] Janine, what have you done?
Codex[]
Letter[]
Hi Runner Five,
Sam here again! Sorry for all the notes lately, I feel like I'm constantly bombarding you with these messages. I think it helps me feel a bit more connected to my runners, especially when we're not running as many missions as we normally might, but please do let me know if it's getting annoying, okay? The last thing I'd want to do is smother you!
Thanks for being such a good sport about following along with Janine's session today, by the way. Don't get me wrong - I was glad to have a break to stretch my legs and do a bit of baking, but man, sometimes her Terminator-like efficiency is... a lot to keep up with.
I hope you're doing well and staying safe! I think I've just about mastered this banana bread recipe, so the next time we're all together (supplies permitting, of course), I'll have to make you some!
Love,
Sam
Supplies[]
The following supplies can be found in this mission.
(List may be incomplete.)
Anti-depressants
Baseball Bat
Board game
Cricket bat
Dress
First Aid Kit
Flashlight
Football
Laptop
Makeup
Overcoat
Pain Meds
Shirt
Shorts
Trainers
Umbrella
Underwear
Whisky
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