"Artemus Thurman's Fitness Special" is the twenty-first mission of The Home Front.
Are you ready to travel back to the 80s with Artemus Thurman's exercise tape?
EXERCISES: Power Squat, Abdominal Crunch, Backward Lunge, Staggered Press-Up, Plyometric Double Knee Jump
Cast[]
Plot[]
The Robot
Jody is still stuck in the warehouse. There's some weird stuff happening but that's no excuse to avoid a warm up. Janine has everyone looking for any scrap of information about Artemus Thurman - and it turns out, he made a workout tape in 1987, which Jody is going to play for you. Maybe it's a really good workout?
More After These Messages
Jody starts Thurman's workout video. You hear 80s music and the voice of the elusive Artemus Thurman, recording from a Burbank sound stage. First up is Power Squats! Stand with your feet shoulder width apart, bend your knees like you're going to sit down, then raise your arms and jump up, bringing your hands above your head. One minute of those! Good job, and now it's time for a commercial break!
Modern Tech
Jody hopes you don't mind that she switched back to music instead of adverts for beach houses. The video is weird; Thurman doesn't do the exercises, just paces the stage in a lycra bodysuit. Time for part two! Thurman talks about the glory of the free market, but it's time for the next exercise, Abdominal Crunches. Lie on your back with your feet on the ground, your knees bent, and your hands by your ears. Then raise your torso off the floor using your abs. One minute of crunches! Now time for more adverts; boom boxes, digital watches, cassette players, they'll be around forever!
Faulty Wiring
Thurman talks about the rumours that he is in financial trouble, and insists that everything is fine. Hardship is life's way of making sure that you deserve outrageous profits! Next up it's backwards lunges. Stand with your feet hip width apart, take a big step backwards with your right foot, and lower your hips towards the floor, keeping your left shin vertical. Raise your right ankle away from the ground, then rise back to your starting position. Thirty seconds on each foot! The sound is overcome by static, and Jody tells you that she's going to find a replacement wire.
Patchy Resume
Jody found a cable, and takes you back to the workout video. Thurman says that there's no point worrying about pollution, or the ozone layer, not when there's an apocalypse coming. He believes that the Russians will do it, drop bombs out of spite. Anyway, it's time for Staggered Press-ups! Get into a push-up position, parallel to the floor, help up on your hands and toes. Now stagger your arms by putting one hand slightly ahead of the other and lower yourself to the floor and back up. Switch hands after every push-up. One minute! Thurman is interrupted by a producer telling him that he's distressing people. Thurman insists that people should be distressed, and yes, he has been drinking. Alright, one minute down. Take a break while Thurman speaks to his producer.
Pre-orders
Thurman returns and tells you that he fired everyone in the studio - except for Greg the camera operator, because he doesn't whisper about how Thurman is crazy. But it isn't crazy to talk about what's coming. Thurman says that he made this tape so all of his customers would be in top shape for the apocalypse. After all, he needs his bit of the economy to survive! Now it's time for Plyometric Double Knee Jumps! Stand with your feet shoulder width apart, then squat down keeping your back straight. Then jump into the air, bringing your knees to your chest and your hands to your knees. Land on the balls of your feet with your knees bent. One minute of these! And that is time! Thurman talks about how he has many backup options if his bunker fails. His new book will cover every way of cheating death imaginable. Pre-order details coming up!
Mysterious Friend
Jody says that's as far as the video goes. The last few minutes of the tape are static like it's degraded, or someone recorded over it. Thurman apparently died in 1991 in a skiing accident, with 10,000 witnesses, and he never finished the book. Whoever was hiding in his secret floor in the shopping centre was there for a reason, so there must be something useful there. You'll have to find that person and ask them!
Transcript[]
JODY MARSH: Hiya, everyone! Jody here. Still living it up in my warehouse. And I really don’t know what to expect from today’s workout, so best get warmed up properly. Stretch your legs, do some jogging on the spot or something. Truth is, there’s some weird stuff happening. Runner Five found a secret floor in the Spectrum Mall and bumped into a mysterious stranger there. Whoever he was - and Janine says surveillance images look like a man - he ran away straight through the superhorde, no idea how.
Janine’s gone into full investigation mode, wants us looking up every scrap of info we can find on the mall, the secret floor, and the guy who built them both, this dead 80’s tycoon named Art Thurman. And guess who found a workout tape from ‘87 made by Thurman himself, just collecting dust on a shelf? So I’m setting up a TV and a vintage VHS player and we’re gonna watch the tape for today’s session.
Well, I’ll watch, you listen. I figure the more of us paying attention, the better. And who knows? It could be a really great workout. While I finish getting the telly ready, have a listen to this to get you in that 80’s mood, and if you fancy a bit of themed dancing, the robot’s always fun.
JODY MARSH: Right, now you’re nice and warmed up, time to get you started on Art Thurman’s 1980’s workout. Playing the tape now.
[snippet of an 80’s workout tape jingle]
ARTEMUS THURMAN: Hello, viewers! Artemus Thurman here, innovator, visionary, CEO of Thurman Spectrum International, and I’m coming from this lovely Burbank soundstage to get you into shape the Thurman way. That’s with twice the style of my competitors at half the price. So let’s get to it.
First exercise: power squats. Stand with your feet shoulder-width apart, hands at your sides. Bend those knees and sit back with your hips like you’re parking yourself right in the seat of the chairman of the board. Feel the power in your thighs as you take the seat that’s rightfully yours. Raise your arms to shoulder level, making sure your back’s straight and your knees don’t poke out past your toes. Then bam! Jump up like you’ve just come up with a million dollar idea, raising your hands above your head, landing with your knees bent.
Give me one minute of that, starting now. Go! 15 seconds gone. Make sure you’re flattening your feet after you land. 30 seconds left. Power on through, you’re the champ! 15 seconds left. Don’t be afraid to shout my name out if you’re flagging, always perks me up. And that’s your minute!
Time for a commercial break. Can you believe my idiot producers didn’t want to put commercials in a fitness tape? What are we, a charity? Anyway, these are preeminent offers coming up from Thurman Spectrum Real Estate, so feel free to keep squatting or relax, but either way, don’t you dare take your eyes off the screen.
JODY MARSH: I hope you don’t mind, folks, I turned you on some music during the break. You didn’t miss much, just a bunch of ads for beach houses. He’s a weird one, this Thurman. He’s not even doing the exercises, he’s pacing the stage in a Lycra jumpsuit while backing dancers demonstrate. And that slicked-back hair… looks like he dumped it in Thurman-brand margarine butter spread. That stuff got banned for not containing any actual food. I think it was made of machine oil? Anyway, ready for part two? Here we go.
[snippet of an 80’s workout tape jingle]
ARTEMUS THURMAN: Outstanding properties there. Designed them all myself. Did you like the cabin shaped like a dollar sign? That’s a reminder to whoever buys it, your hard cash earned this place. That’s the beauty of the free market, it takes your value as a person and turns it into assets you can touch. I tell you, I get a little misty-eyed thinking about it.
On to the next exercise: abdominal crunches. Lie on your back, then put your feet flat on the ground so your knees are pointing up, just like a profit graph heading for the sky. Raise your hands up so they’re by your ears. Keep your neck and back straight and lift your torso slightly off the floor using your abs. If you need to dial it down a notch, you’re still a champ. Just extend your arms out in front of you.
I want 60 seconds of crunches like that. From my mark, and go for Thurman! 15 seconds done. Know why I like this exercise? It’s all about endurance, like the Thurman brand. You buy a house from me, you know it’s built strong. 30 seconds left. And if some smart mouth’s thinking of the Thurman Bridge in Alaska, that collapsed from an earthquake, can’t blame the brand for that. 15 seconds left. Work those abs like they’re lazy employees,. And that’s one minute!
Fine job, all of you. More commercials next, and if you’re not after real estate, don’t worry, I sell more products than you can shake a wallet at. Digital watches, boom boxes, pocket cassette players, we’ve got them all. And trust me when I say the way Art Thurman makes his products, you can bet they’ll be around forever.
[snippet of an 80’s workout tape jingle]
ARTEMUS THURMAN: Now I’m sure some of you have heard the rumors. Thurman’s in financial trouble, Thurman has another run-in with the regulators, Thurman invests a fortune in failed water parks. And you know what? Maybe we have been spending a little much on coffee machines around the office, but don’t you count old Thurman out. I’ve been bankrupt more times than I’ve been divorced, and I’ve always bounced back from both. Hardship is just life’s way of making sure that you deserve outrageous profits. If tough times make you strong, I’m gonna live forever.
And speaking of success from the back foot, next up, it’s backward lunges. Stand straight with your feet hip-width apart, making sure your knees aren’t locked like my third wife locked me out of our beachfront property. Take a big step back with your right foot, then bend your knees, lowering those hips toward the floor, keeping your left shin vertical. Let your right heel come off the floor. Make sure your left knee doesn’t extend past your left toes. You can’t bust expectations if you’ve bust your knee. Then rise back up to your starting position.
We’ll do 30 seconds lunging backward using your right foot, then switch to your left. And...go for Thurman! 15 seconds down. You know, that last divorce was the only one that really hurt. She took my darling boy, sweet little… Brady, or Brandon, or whatever she named him. That’s 30 seconds.
Shake out your legs and switch to stepping back with your left foot. Ready? 30 more seconds, snap to it. 15 seconds left. Took everything except my name, Penelope. Didn’t know she had it in her. Only left her because she started talking hogwash about saving whales and socialized medicine. All right, time’s up. Before we move on, let me - [static]
JODY MARSH: Sorry, guys, there’s a problem with the TV. It’s gone all fuzzy. One of the wires connecting it to the tape player must be faulty. I’ll get a replacement, you take another music break. Either keep exercising or relax, I’ll be right back.
JODY MARSH: I’m back, folks. Just let me connect this cable. Well, I think that’s got it working.
ARTEMUS THURMAN: I always used to tell Penelope there’s no point worrying about sick people or fishes or any of that ozone nonsense. None of it will matter in the long run, not with an apocalypse coming. It’s the Russians that will do it. Ever since Reagan knocked on their wall, they have known their way of life is done. Hell, we all saw what happened in Chernobyl last year. That’s just the start. When the commies can’t pretend anymore, they’ll drop their nukes out of spite. It’s what anyone would do in their shoes. So we’ve got to get these exercises in while we can. Only the strong will survive the end times.
Next up, staggered press-ups. Get into a traditional press-up position, holding yourself parallel to the floor with your weight on your hands and toes and your arms shoulder-width apart. But there’s nothing traditional about old Thurmy, so stagger your arms by placing one hand slightly ahead of the other, keeping your elbows unlocked, then lower yourself down to the floor and push yourself back up again. After every press-up, switch hand position, alternating your front and rear hands.
Give me one minute of that, or as much as you can manage. Don’t be scared to stop and rest if you need to. We need our young capitalists fighting fit, not fit to be tied. And Thurman says start! 45 seconds left. Excuse me? I need to do what? Sorry viewers, I’ve got a producer buzzing in my ear. You’re doing great. Let me deal with this. I’m distressing? Have you looked out of the window lately? Maybe people should be distressed! Uh yes, Stephen, I have been drinking because that is my right as a free citizen. Maybe if you weren’t such a goddamn hippie… Hold on. 15 seconds left, viewers, keep it up. All right, all right, that’s enough.
Sorry viewers, but my producers are telling me I need to lighten up, can the doomsday talk, as if my customers can’t handle the truth. Tell you what, we’ll take another break. You enjoy the ads. I’ve got some jackasses to fire for underestimating your intelligence. Honest to God, this is the last time I hire anyone who puts art films on your resume.
[snippet of an 80’s workout tape jingle]
ARTEMUS THURMAN: Well, I’ve fired them. Not just the producers, everyone in the studio. Except for Greg, the camera operator. You’re a good egg, Greg, keeping your mouth shut, not whispering about me being crazy like the rest of them. Who needs backing dancers, anyway? It’s not crazy to be ready for what’s coming.
That’s why I made this tape for all of you, my customers, so when the bombs drop, you’ll be in top shape to survive the nuclear wastes. I’ve got my bunker, but what’s the point in lingering alone? My whole life is about buying and selling, trading and taking, building my name. Can you imagine how awful it would be to live without that? The economy has to survive, or at least my little corner of it.
So I need you working extra hard on this next exercise, the plyometric double knee jump. Stand with your feet shoulder-width apart, arms at your sides. Squat down, keeping your back straight, making sure your knees don’t extend past your toes. Then jump into the air, bringing your knees into your chest, touching your hands to your knees in mid air. Land on the balls of your feet with your knees bent, and repeat.
Give me one minute of that, and...go for Thurman! 45 seconds left. Feels dynamic as hell, doesn’t it? 30 seconds left! Imagine you’re training to fight mutant cockroaches in the nuclear waste! 15 seconds left. Don’t you dare let Thurman down! And that’s time!
Now I know what you’re thinking, viewers. [chuckles] Artemus, what if your bunker isn’t enough? What if radiation gets to you? What if the living dead were to rise from their graves? What if a hundred other things? Well, don’t you worry. Thurman always has backup options.
That’s why my coming book, The Reaper Ultimatum, is going to catalogue every way of cheating death imaginable. Vampires, werewolves, the holy grail, I’m researching it all. And I’m willing to sell it on to you at a very reasonable price, in dollars or radioactive ash, depending on what currency we’re using when it’s published.
In fact, I’ve got pre-order details for the book coming up in this next commercial break. Put down money now and I’ll guarantee delivery later. So sit back, soak up the ads, maybe even do a few more jumps. I’ll be back right after with some final words of wisdom. Don’t go anywhere, viewers, because I’m not finished yet.
JODY MARSH: Hey, folks. Looks like that’s it as far as Thurman’s video goes. Might as well do some cool down jogging to relax. There’s a few more minutes on the tape, but it’s all static, like the tape’s degraded or someone recorded over it.
Thurman wasn’t exactly Mr. Stable, was he? Guess he was right about an apocalypse coming, just really wrong about which one. Sam says he died in a skiing accident in 1991, super public, about 10,000 witnesses. He never did finish that book, but he must have left something valuable behind. Whoever that stranger was on Thurman’s secret floor, he was there for a reason. Maybe Thurman hit on something useful for our apocalypse in his research, something connected to the way the stranger can walk right through zoms. Or maybe he just owed the stranger money.
Whatever the truth is, folks, I don’t think we’re going to find it on old fitness tapes. If we really want to know what our mysterious friend was doing in Thurman’s den, I think… I think we’re just gonna have to find him and ask him ourselves.
Codex[]
Letter[]
Hey Runner Five!
I thought I’d pass along the copy of Art Thurman’s tape, on the off chance it had anything that could clue us in about whatever’s happening at Spectrum Mall (or in case you wanted to see that godawful lycra jumpsuit in action for yourself). We’ll check in with you as soon as we have a plan, but in the meantime, stay safe, okay?
Drop us a line on ROFFLENET if you need anything, and look after yourself. I’m sure we’ll get to the bottom of this!
Jody
Supplies[]
The following supplies can be found in this mission.
(List may be incomplete.)
Anti-depressants
Board game
Candles
Cricket bat
Dress
First Aid Kit
Flashlight
Football
Makeup
Mobile Phone
Overcoat
Pain Meds
Shirt
Sports Bra
Trainers
Umbrella
Underwear
Whisky
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